In the not too far-off future---Tokyo, Japan, A.D. there was a guy named Josh, not too different from you or me, he worked for Kitty Enterprise with a couple of evil scientist guys, they did not like the manga he makes, so they strapped him in a Valkyrie and shot him into space! BAAAAAAKKKKAAAAAAA! We'll net him corny Fanfics, (whoo hoo) the worst of all kinds, (la la la) And he'll have to read each one carefully just so he won't blow his mind, (la la la) Now don't forget that Josh can't choose when the story begins or ends, (la la la) because he bought two one-way tickets to invite his anime friends! ANIME ROLLCALL!!! (Let's go!) Nene! (Kawaii!) Kyosuke! (Psychic Dude!) Are you sick yet? (You bet!) Oooooohhhh! If you're wondering how they can stand this crap, in that tiny little space, (la la la) just remind yourself, "It's just a Fanfic", now shut up and keep your place! For BAD ANIME FANFIC THEATER 3000! (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, K) (Josh and the anime are surrounded by art and craft materials; macromae, etc.) Josh> Hi everyone, and welcome to the 'Cellulite of Load.' I'm Joshua P-Seames & these are my two anime friends, Nene Romanova and Kasuga Kyosuke. Nene> Konnichi Wa! Kyosuke> Hello there! Josh> Today, I decided to give ourselves something creative to do to pass the time and get our minds off those awful experiments. So guys, how are your arts & crafts projects coming? Nene> Well, I was working on a paper to post on the net that talks about why black holes don't collapse in on themselves and try to promote peace between marsupials and man at the same time. Josh> Wow. Kyosuke? Kyosuke> Well, I WAS working on a popsicle stick sculpture of the Eiffel Tower...but that seems somewhat....meager now...(Glares at Nene) Showoff! Nene> (Sticks out her tongue and does that eye-stretch thingie) Bleah! (Both start to argue) Kyosuke> Dork! Nene> Psychic Freak! Josh> Guys! Kyosuke> You...you..LAMER!! Nene> WHAT!!!!!!? Josh> Hold on you, guys! Hey! Stop it! (Looks at camera) We'll be right back. Maybe. (Hits the light) (Commercial break) (Scene of utter destruction as popsicle sticks and strips of paper are strewn all over the room. Josh is standing between the two Animes.) Josh> Now I hope you two are happy. Look at the mess in here. Nene> Sorry. Kyosuke> Yeah, sorry Josh. Josh> Forget it. As the great philosopher Archimedes said, "Best be stupid and sorry, than be...." Well...I don't know how the rest goes. Just help me clean up this mess, OK? N&K> OK. (The comm light starts flashing) Josh> Oops, looks like Milk and Cheese are calling. (Hits the button) Hi, sirs. What's up? (Creep 13) (Picture shows the Manga Mads working hard moving things around while trying to take on a conversation) Dr. Macek> My temper! Our equipment is being reposessed! Just because we're doing experiments on human beings! Can you believe that? HUMAN BEINGS! ARRGGHH! (sigh) Look Josh, we can't talk much now so just do your anime exchange. Frank! The horribly mutated monster bunny experiments go over there! CRASH!! TV's Frank 2> Oops, sorry! Dr. Macek> FRANK!!! GET THEM! THEY'RE HOPPING AWAY! (COL) Josh> Wow. Well, we three sat together and thought, "Hey! Isn't there an easier way to merge all of the comedy, violence, and wacky hijinx of Rumiko Takahashi's series' into one?" That's when we came up with this (Pulls out a poster with various Takahashi characters) 'Urusei Ikkoku's Scar Gospel 1/2!' It meshes all the ingenious of Rumiko's work so you can see it all at once! Nene> There is the world that is known, there is the unknown, and there is what Takahashi knows. Kyosuke> But in this series, we offed Jariten! Josh> What do you think, sirs? (Creep 13) TV's Frank 2> They killed Jariten?! All right! Dr. Macek> (Looks at Frank) Frank! Get back to work! (Looks back at Josh) Cute, booby, but, we've got something so evil for you it's unspeakable. (COL) Nene> Gawd, it's not as bad as "Rumictrek" is it? (Creep 13) Dr. Macek> Worse. It's a little trip down dismemberment lane by Fred Byon. It's called 'BGC Trek' and it's pure EVIL!! TV's Frank 2> Doctor where do these empty pizza cartons go? Dr. Macek> Frank, if you keep it up, I'm going to have to KILL you again. TV's Frank 2> (frightened) Poopie! (COL) Kyosuke> Man! Why don't they give these kind of assignments to Hou Bang? (Creep 13) Dr. Macek> Don't worry though, my little cockroaches! They'll get much worse! Mwa ha ha ha ha! TV's Frank 2> Ha ha ha ha ha! Uh...What are we laughing about? Dr. Macek> (sigh) Just send them the file, Frank! Oh, and get me that chainsaw over there. TV's Frank 2> Uh, Right. (pushes the button; hands him the chainsaw) (Just before we switch back to the Satellite, we see Dr. M bringing the chainsaw down on Frank's head) (COL) Josh> (Pointing out their poster) I wonder if Rumiko would be interested in this? Kyosuke> Hey Nene, cool clip art of Kyoko! Nene> (Bows) Why, thank you! (Alarm goes off) ALL> Aaahhhh! Story sign! (K, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1) ----------------------------------------------------- Nene> BGC, huh? They better not make any cracks about me! Kyosuke> How bad could it be? Josh> Hm, well let's read and find out! ANNOUNCER: A NEW FORCE THREATENS THE FEDERATION... Josh> The Reagan/Bush Adminstration. N&K> Yaaah! (Shot of Largo and his boomer army) ANNOUNCER: ...AND THEY'RE OUT FOR DOMINANCE OF THE GALAXY... Kyosuke> Republicans? LARGO: I'm giving Starfleet and the Federation twenty four hours to surrender... Kyosuke> Oh no! Not another 'LARGO' story! Accckk! ADMIRAL KYSON: BAKA! We won't do it! ANNOUNCER: HE'LL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GET WHAT HE WANTS... Kyosuke> "CRUSHING THOSE FOOLISH ENOUGH TO GET IN HIS WAY!" (Largo and the boomers destroying the USS Mega-Tokyo) Nene> Heh! Boy, you know, I love these original ship names. Josh> Hmm Hmm! ANNOUNCER: ...AND EVEN JOIN FORCES. (Largo inside the Borg ship) ANNOUNCER: ONLY PICARD AND THE ENTERPRISE... Josh> (whining) Oh no! Not only is it a Largo Story, it's a Star Trek cross-over! Kyosuke> Through complaining yet? Josh> Almost. PICARD (to Largo, who is on the viewscreen): ...it is apparent that you'll suffocate the entire universe...! Kyosuke> "By this time, my lungs were aching for air!" ANNOUNCER: ...AND A MERCENARY GROUP FROM THE PAST...CAN STOP HIM... SYLIA STINGRAY: Largo, you said you wanted me. Now you got me. Nene> Sylia really can be forward when she wants to. ANNOUNCER: ...BUT CAN THIS GROUP BE TRUSTED? Kyosuke> Hell no! (Shot of the Knight Saber ship firing at the Enterprise.) (Enterprise firing back) (shot of Linna Yamazaki getting pinned to the floor) Josh> Wh-Huh? Did we slip into one of Mackie's dreams? RIKER: ...they can't be trusted! COMMODORE MCNICKOL: What are you talking about...? Nene> Yeah Josh, what ARE they talking about? Josh> (shrugs) Don't ask me. PICARD (to McNickol): ...then why aren't they responding to our hails? Kyosuke> Why ask why? Why are we even reading this? Josh> Got me. Nene> I dunno. ANNOUNCER: IT'S THE FIRST CHAPTER OF A NEW EARTH FOR SYLIA STINGRAY AND THE KNIGHT SABERS... Kyosuke> 1st? You mean there's more than one? Nene> Oh, sure. Sylia's name always goes up in lights first. Never a mention of me, the intelligent, good-looking, computer genius. Josh> Oh, get over it. (Sylia and Co. in their 24th century hardsuits) ANNOUNCER: ...IN THE "UNOFFICIAL" CROSSOVER ALL> Lawsuit, lawsuit, lawsuit!! OF BUBBLEGUM CRISIS AND STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION...GET READY FOR BUBBLEGUM TREK. (Insert BGT logo and TNG theme song) Kyosuke> (Insert Blowing Chunks sound) BUBBLEGUM TREK Kyosuke> First a Crisis, then a Crash, and now a Trek! Where will it end?! BY FRED BYON Nene> Heh, THANK YOU, Fred. Josh> F-r-e-d B-y-o-n. Ladies & Gentlemen, remember this name. "In the year 2022, man continued his technological advancements by producing the most intelligent artificial life form ever created, the boomer. It was created to work with humans, side by side. Nene> "But, it had a few bugs. That was version 1.0." But Brian Meson, Kyosuke> Isn't that "Mason"? Nene> Pretty sure. Josh> Ok guys, no spelling flames. the head of the infamous Genom Corporation, had other ideas; he abused boomer technology in an attempt to flatten the city of Mega-Tokyo so that he can have world domination. No one was about to get into his way, including my father, one of the creators of boomers, who was assassinated by Meson. Nene> How long has Fred watched the series? Unless I've gotten his name wrong all this time and the others were laughing at me behind my back. No one except... Josh> Jimi Hendrix? Oh. the Knight Sabers. I, Sylia Stingray, led these group of punishers to stop the Genom Corporation from continued abuse of my father's technology. We've succeeded every time, but we've paid the price once too often. Kyosuke> "Uh, 'Meson', will you take a check?" Now...we've been faced with what could be our tougher challenge ever... Josh> To pat your head and rub your belly at the same time? Kyosuke> Huh. You know, I can't do that. Josh> Really? On one fateful autumn day, we, I, Priss S. Asagiri, Nene Romanova, and Linna Yamazaki, were transported 300 years into the future, in which we discovered an Earth that no one in the 21st century could ever imagine. Josh> I don't know...I can imagine a lot. Kyosuke> Too much, in fact. The problems of the world has been eliminated, and man has reached the outer limits of the universe...and beyond. An organization known as the the United Federation of Planets governed the universe, along with it's exploration/military organization, Starfleet. Although Earth is nearly a perfect utopia, ALL> Ha ha ha! Nene> This guy sure has a sense of humor! the universe still has its enemies, such as a certain race known as the Romulans. But one entity from the past still exists; Meson, Josh> "...whose name should really be Mason, but that's besides the point.." now known as Largo, was in hiding for over 300 years and has reemerged with higher stakes. Kyosuke> "I see you and raise you 50." He destroyed a Federation starship known as the USS Mega-Tokyo, and sent a message to Starfleet that he intends to be the new ruler of the universe. Nene> At least he gives forewarning. Although the stakes are higher, his motives remain unchanged; Kyosuke> To let ballerinas have the freedom to run nude among the fields and valleys? J&N> Huh? the captain of the Mega-Tokyo was a relative that I would never have the chance to meet, Mackey Stingray the Fourth. Kyosuke> Only 4 times as pervertish as the original. Josh> I'm starting to think that all people spell the names differently. Kyosuke> Yeah, Priss should be 'Piss' and Nene, 'Ninny'. Ha ha! Nene> Hey! Josh: Been reading 'Bubblegum Cards: Knight Foils' have you? Now, after 300 years, we meet again. This time, though, it will be Largo who will bite the dust." Nene> "I prefer mud anyway..." --------- Sylia Stingray "To Boldly Fight Where No One Has Fought Before!" Josh> Yah, uh, whatever. CAST OF CHARACTERS: THE KNIGHT SABERS: Sylia Stingray Lieutenant JG Priss (S. Asagiri) (will serve on Enterprise) Linna Yamazaki Ensign Nene Romanova (also will serve on Enterprise) Nene> Ensign?! What crap is this? I should be 'running' the ship! GENOM: Largo THE BORG (need we say more?) Josh> (sarcastic) Oh, please DO! THE USS MEGA-TOKYO (NCC-2030) Captain Mackie Stingray IV (The descendant of Sylia's brother) THE USS ENTERPRISE (NCC-1701-D) Captain Jean-Luc Picard Commander William Riker Lt. Commander Data Lt. Worf Lt. Commander Geordi LaForge Counselor Deanna Troi Chief Medical Officer Dr. Beverly Crusher Ensign Wesley Crusher Transporter Chief Miles O'Brien Ensign Ro Lauren Josh> And the usual cast of hack actors. Nene> No one cares about these people! Get on with it! Kyosuke> _I_ CARE! Nene> Well... REFERENCE TO THE AD POLICE: Commodore Jeffrey McNickol (Leon's great-great-great-great grandson) Josh> Look, I know this is a BGC filk, but does it really need _another_ Leon involved? STARFLEET COMMAND HQ Admiral Bennett Kyson Commander Tommy Hwang AND SPECIAL GUEST APPEARENCES BY: Ret. Captain James T. Kirk (hologram) Ret. Captain Montgomery Scott (hologram) Admiral Leonard "Bones" McCoy Kyosuke> "Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a English Teacher!" AND NOW ON TO THE STORY!!!!!!! Josh> "Once upon a time there was a crappy fanfic called, "BGC Trek...." PART 1: WE'RE NOT IN MEGA-TOKYO ANYMORE....OR ARE WE? Kyosuke> Isn't that supposed to be Kansas? Nene> "Have a little fire, Scarecrow!" CADET: Um, computer, run "Kirk "n" Scotty" sequence. Josh> I hope this isn't one of those sick Holodeck fantasies. Kyosuke> (porn music) BWOMP CHICKA BWOMP BWOMP! (SCENE: Starfleet Command HQ in San Fransisco. In a rather desolate area of the Command building, Montgomery Scott is seen working on something with several students from Starfleet Academy. James Kirk walks in the room to pay a visit) SCOTTY (suprised): Ooch! Ah, Captain Kirk! Captain Kirk! What a pleasure to meet you again! (Hugs Jim) Josh> Occh! Occh! Kyosuke> I dinna' think I can handle this story any more Cap'n! Nene> But it just started... KIRK: Ugh! Be careful, Scotty. My body isn't what it was 80 years ago, y'know. Josh> Yeah, it used to be a lot worse! Kyosuke> Has he gotten rid of that ridiculous rug yet? SCOTTY: Sorry about that, sir! So what brings you down here? KIRK: Oh, I just wanted to visit. It's been such a LONG time since I've been to this building. This place sure have changed a lot. As a matter of fact, a lot of things have changed. Nene> "Yeah, instead of hiring corny, overacting, Shakespearean actors, they hire good ones now!" Josh> Ooo, ouch. Sting! SCOTTY: I couldn't say it any better, Cap'n! Yah, things HAVE changed. I thought I would never see the day that communicators would be worn ON the uniform! Kyosuke> "And just where were you wearing it before?" Josh> Buh dum bum! (Comedy rim-shot) KIRK (starts to pace around the room, Nene> "...and walks face first into a wall." observing what the Academy cadets are working on): Uh-huh. I don't know if I would prefer what it's like today to what is was a long time ago. Every year turns out to be a new step for mankind in some way shape or form. Today you have Klingons on starships. Today you have hollydecks... Nene> 'Deck the Halls with boughs of Holly!' Kyosuke> 'Fa la la la la la la la la.' Josh> Oh, DO shut up. SCOTTY: HOLOdecks, sir, HOLOdecks. Josh> "Heh, heh! GET OUT! GET OUT!" KIRK: Whatever. I guess I'm getting way too old now for this century. I guess perhaps I'm more used to the "good 'ol days". Kyosuke> Would the 'good 'ol days' refer to when the Enterprise was destroyed; his right hand Vulcan get killed; his son killed; put on trial for death of Klingons? Nene> Old age must of made him forget it. Josh> I doubt that would explain the authors lack of plot conceivement. Oh well, at least it's good to know that there's still an Enterprise around. SCOTTY: Yah, but a different one. The Enterprise-D! KIRK: Yeah, I noticed that they get bigger and bigger every year. Anyway, I sense that my days on Earth will come to a close soon. I sure wish I could just...go back in time and do it all over again. SCOTTY: Me too! Funny you should bring that up, cap'n, my students are working on that right now. Nene> A 'do-it-all-over-again' machine? KIRK: Really? A time machine? Nene> Oh.. SCOTTY: Well, not really. (points to the machine) This is what we've been working on all semester. It's supposed to bring something back from the past. KIRK: Does it work? SCOTTY: That's the point, cap'n, it's not SUPPOSED to work. Josh> "Scotty, you been drinking that Romulan ale again?" KIRK: Then what's the purpose of working on something that won't work? SCOTTY (smiles): Ah, y'know, cap'n, they're only Academy cadets, so let their imaginations run wild every once in a while! Who knows, maybe this thing WILL work. We could bring back a car from the 20th century. We could bring back farm animals, birds, airplanes, helicopters, anything! Kyosuke> How about searching time for a stable plot? But the chance is VERY small. Kyosuke> I knew it! I estimate about a 8.25% chance of this thing working. So in all probability, it won't work, and I'm pretty sure of it. KIRK: Are you trying to make sure these guys become engineers or something? SCOTTY: Hey, I certainly think they have the potential, cap'n. Like the old earth sayin' goes, "If you can build better minds, you can build better moosetraps." KIRK: Mousetraps. Josh> Doh, ho ho ho! SCOTTY: Ooch! I guess I'm getting too old too, cap'n! Josh> Ooch? What's ooch? Did he hurt himself and mispronounce 'ouch'? Nene> Ooch. You know, something that stereotypical Scottish people say in TV shows and stuff. Kyosuke> No, that's 'Och'. CADET: Scotty, I think we're ready to give the machine a try. Kyosuke> Why would they call him by his first name, aren't they cadets? Nene> Maybe they're friends? Josh> I dunno. SCOTTY: Excellent! Give it a go! ANOTHER CADET: What year should be set this on? SCOTTY: Hmm...how about the 21st century, 2040... Josh> Welcome to Plot Convenience Theater. Kyosuke> Isn't it around 2032 though? Nene> What, you think we won't be around later? let's try to bring back a Chinese wok from Tokyo, Japan. ALL> CADET: How can you bring back something Chinese from Japan? SCOTTY: Oh, I don't know! Just set it there and give it a shot! Josh> Bang! (Some of the cadets push some buttons on the machine. The machine makes some funny noises and stops. Some smoke starts to come out) ALL> Cough, cough, cough! KIRK: Well, did it work? SCOTTY: Ah, I doubt it. With all that smoke, there must have been some bad connection....I don't see no wok, either.... Kyosuke> Oh yeah, like a wok is EXACTLY what it'd bring back. Josh> They shoulda' used it to bring back another rug for the captain. (SCENE: Mega-Tokyo, AD 2040. Knight Sabers HQ. Nene is standing on a digitized scale while the other three Knight Sabers surround her) LINNA: Ha ha! Look! Nene gained another five kilos! Nene> OK, this is where I get MEAN! Kyosuke> Hold down, girl! Josh> It'll be OK, just think happy thoughts. Nene> In this? Josh> I see your point. Carry on. PRISS: Sheesh, must be those late night snacks again. Nene, there IS a lot more to life than food. Josh> Yeah...like, ummm....give me a minute.. NENE: Hey, c'mon guys. A woman HAS to live a little sometime. Kyosuke> Heh! Yeah, 'live' by clogging your arteries and looking like the Pillsbury Doughboy. Nene> Shut up. Kyosuke> Yes'm. SYLIA: I think Priss has a valid point, Nene. There IS a lot more to life than food. It certainly isn't good for your own health and it's also detrimental to the Knight Sabers. Josh> Since when did Sylia get philosophical? Kyosuke> Philosophical? I'm not too sure if I can make a suit bigger than the one you have now. Nene> But I'm not that heavy!! Josh> It'll be fine. Calm down. Anyway, I think we should start our training now. Genom's been quiet for awhile, and they could be planning their next move right now... Josh> (director voice) "And...cue transporter!" (Just as Sylia says that, a transporter beam engulfs the four women) (SCENE: Mega-Tokyo. AD 2365. Same building. The four girls reappear) Kyosuke> Hah! Neat! It turned them from women to girls! Nene> Huh? LINNA: Huh? What happened? Josh> Didn't you read the aforementioned? "...a transporter beam engulfs the four women.." (They look around and notice it's the same building, but all their equipment is gone.) Kyosuke> Boy, those lootings are getting worse. PRISS: This doesn't look like our HQ. Josh> Yeah, it looks CLEAN! NENE: It's the same building, but where's all the equipment? Nene> Repo man. (They step outside to notice that their cars are gone. Kyosuke> "I told you guys NOT to double park, but would you listen to me?" Instead, the streets are filled with hovercrafts and they also notice a big crowd gathering down the street. Sylia notices a passerby) SYLIA: Excuse me, but can you tell me what is the name of this city and what year? PASSERBY: It's 2365, and you're in Mega-Tokyo. (Notices the four women) Josh> He just NOW notices them even after talking to them? Nene> Uh, I'm going to have to ask you to start making SENSE here!! Sheesh, you chicks been living in a cave or somethin'? Josh> Well, I see SEXISM hasn't died out yet. SYLIA (points to the crowd): What's going on down there? PASSERBY: Don't you know? It's the inauguration of the new Starfleet Academy Branch in Mega-Tokyo. It's the big news of today. Gotta go! (runs off to join the crowd) Kyosuke> (effeminate voice) "Giggle! Run like a pixie!" SYLIA (to the girls): I have a feeling that...we've been sent to the future. Josh> Now, now, let's not jump to any conclusions. (The other three girls look shocked as we cut to the opening) Nene> How about we cut to the CHASE instead? (TNG music starts. Shot of the 24th century Mega-Tokyo, then the scene spans out to outer space at the Milky Way planets.) Kyosuke> Oh no, that planet's gonna hit us!! ALL> Ahhhhhh!!! Josh> Whew! Close one. SYLIA: Space...the final frontier. These are the continuing voyages of the Knight Sabers. Our never-ending mission...to obliterate Largo and the Genom Corporation. To restore peace in the entire universe. Nene> "To Obtain Big-time Merchandising rights!" To boldly fight where no one has fought before! Josh> Uh..yah, O.K.! Kyosuke> Uh-huh. Nene> Coo-coo! Coo-coo! (BUBBLEGUM TREK pops up here) (BGC music comes on here. Shots of the four girls in the 24th century Mega-Tokyo, and then the scene changes to the USS Enterprise, where the bridge crew is shown.) (Opening credits appear) Kyosuke> Uh, yeah, thank you, we already saw those. No need to show them again. (SCENE: Mega-Tokyo, AD 2365. The four Knight Sabers are still befuddled by their time travel to the futuristic Mega-Tokyo) Nene> "You know what? I'm STILL befuddled!" LINNA: This is a joke, right? We can't be 300 years in the future! PRISS: Well, if this is a bad dream, I want to wake up NOW! Kyosuke> This isn't a bad dream, it's a nightmare! NENE: Guys, I think whining about it won't do us any good. Josh> Oh yeah, right. Nene, the 'whining queen'. Nene> Hey! Kyosuke> (claps hands) Hear, hear! SYLIA: Girls, I think Nene is right. Face it, we're now stuck here. We have no idea how we got here or who brought us here. Everything is real. Josh> "Oh really? I thought it was a mirage." LINNA: Well, what are we going to do? Josh> Cry? Kyosuke> Hug our teddy bears? Nene> Attend a Spanish Ballet? J&K> What? SYLIA: The only thing we could do is to find a way to get back to our original time. I would assume the technology in the 24th century is a lot stronger than what we're accustomed to, so perhaps I could find a way out. In the meantime, I guess we'll all have to blend in with the "new" Mega-Tokyo. NENE: Will they still remember me at ADP? Josh> "You know Nene, I seriously doubt it. You being dead and all..." PRISS (sneers): Don't count on it. Josh> How could anyone forget a woman with hair like that? Kyosuke> He he he. Nene> Hey! I like my hair! LINNA: Or perhaps an even better question: what is this city like now? We don't really know how different it could be. SYLIA: That's why I want you to get accustomed to it. I have a feeling that this will be our home for awhile. (SCENE: Mega-Tokyo, AD 2365. It has been one month since the Knight Sabers appeared in the "new" Mega-Tokyo. ALL> Huh?! Josh> A month already? Nene> Actually it does seem like we've been sitting here for years. They all seem to like it: no such thing as money, no pollution, and endless hours of shopping) Josh> Some things never change. (Nene and Priss are seen walking by the Starfleet Academy Building) NENE: You know, I just realized something... PRISS: What? Josh> "I'm a redhead." Kyosuke> "No! Get out of here!" NENE: This would be where the AD Police building would normally be. I wonder... PRISS (shrugs): Who cares? If it's gone, it's gone. This "Starfleet" place could be a blessing, actually. NENE: C'mon, Priss! You can't just hang onto that grudge forever! PRISS: As far as I'm concerned, the ADP took everything that was meaningful to me. Josh> "My life, my friends, my little sheep statue with a plaque that says, 'I love Ewe'". Kyosuke> Chalk up another joke that belongs to Hou Bang. Nene> Sssh! We don't want the reader to know that! Kyosuke> Oops! (Whistles) NENE (sighs): Oh, well. I guess you'll always be you. Nene> Isn't that a Beatles song? Josh> "I am you, and you are me..." Kyosuke> Something like that... Josh> "I am the Walrus..." PRISS: Frankly, I don't see how you can stand working for a bunch of... Kyosuke> "...Republicans!" Josh> Two Re-pub jokes in one fic? Are you bitter or something? NENE: Hey, they're not ALL that bad! I made friends...I made good friends like Leon... PRISS (becomes teary-eyed suddenly): Did you have to mention him. I miss home. I mean, I like it here. Virtually no problems in the 24th century. But it's not...home. I wanna go back HOME! (starts crying as she falls into Nene's arms) Josh> No! No emotions! Absolutely no emotions coming from Priss will be tolerated! Kyosuke> "Umph! Uhh, Priss...uhh, your kinda heavy..ugh..my..back!! Urk!" NENE: C'mon, you're not THAT soft to cry. PRISS (sobs): I know. I really love it here...no pollution, no hassles, no money to spend, everything is free...and even no boomers...but somehow, it's simply not the same. The world is too...perfect. NENE: Yeah, it really is. Sometimes I feel too...lazy. PRISS: Sounds like you, Nene. Nene> C'mon, Nene! Give her what for! Spit on her! Snicker snag! Dangle-spit! Chocolate Nuke Gurbs! Josh> Ok, Nene. It's just a story. You'll be all right. There there. Kyosuke> Remember the theme? "..just remind yourself it's just a Fanfic....Now SHUT UP and keep your place!"? Josh> (whispering) We're not supposed to know about that! NENE (sarcastic): Well, thank you. Sheesh! Seriously, I still WANT to make myself useful somehow. (Looks up at the Academy Building) That's it. PRISS: What is? Kyosuke> "That's why I said 'IT'! Geez! I don't know its name!" Josh> Huh? NENE: I want to become one. I want to join. Josh> The Marines? Kyosuke> Semper Nene! Ha ha ha! Josh> Ha ha ha! (sigh) Oh boy, that's for fun! Nene> PRISS: Become what? NENE: I want to become a Starfleet Officer. PRISS: You? Traveling in the stars? (laughs) Well, I always thought your brain was in another dimension. NENE: Humph. Well, since you seem to know so much, why don't you join me? PRISS: What's there to do out there? Space is probably a utopia just as it is here on Earth. NENE: Au contrare. Nene> I didn't know I spoke Swahili. Josh> (whispers) That's FRENCH! Nene> Oh. I've heard many things about what it is now in outer space. During the last 300 years, mankind managed to discover many different alien races. Conflict still exists, as man and alien struggle to exist. That's why there's a United Federation of Planets. They try to make all living beings live in peace. Kyosuke> The Klingons' goal is different. They want all living beings in PIECES. Josh> Heh, heh! PRISS (shrugs): I find that hard to believe. Josh> I find this whole story hard to believe. NENE: It's true. And even today, man still makes discoveries. That's why they have those gigantic starships. As one famous captain once said, "To boldly go where no man has gone before." Josh> For crying out loud. Now she's quoting "Kirk-onian"?! Nene> Ho boy. PRISS: But we're women. Josh> "Boy Priss, nothing gets past you, does it?" NENE: So what? Anyone can be an officer. This could be an experience of a lifetime. C'mon, Priss. Join me. This could boost your morale. PRISS: Like as if I HAVE any. OK, so what's going to happen to Linna and Sylia if we join? NENE (pauses): Kyosuke> She playing a video game? Josh> Uh, no Kyosuke, no. Kyosuke> Oh. Well...gee, I kinda forgot about them...but even in the situation we're in now, we should lead lives of our own, right? PRISS: Hmm...well, I suppose... NENE: And we can still keep in touch with them. Knight Sabers never break up no matter what. PRISS: Well...all right. I'll go into the stars with you. (Nene smiles) Josh> Uh, you got some gunk between your teeth there, uh...oh, never mind. Nene> Time to go guys. Josh> Already? That was quick. C'mon Kyosuke. Kyosuke> Coming. ---------------------------------------------- (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, K) (Josh is reading a book and sipping from a bottle of Wizzy Fizz: The soft drink of Champion Gator Wrestlers. Nene & Kyosuke enter.) Nene> Josh! Josh> Yeah? Kyosuke> J-Josh! Josh> (putting down book) Over here guys! What's up? (Nene & Kyosuke enter stage right) Kyosuke> Well Josh, Nene and I were playing 'Sonada' tag down in Loading Bay 3, and we got to start talking about this Fanfic. Josh> Oh yeah, what about? Nene> Well, we're confused. Just why is Star Trek such a powerful influence in stories nowadays? I mean, we just saw 'RumicTrek' last week and now this. Kyosuke> And I know I've seen literally hundreds of Fanfics for Star Trek, TOS to Voyager on the Internet, so what's the deal with this ST frenzy? Josh> I don't know if you're ready for this... Nene> Oh, please, oh wise hentai master! Teach us! Kyosuke> Mold us! Josh> Oh, all right...um...uh..Well, perhaps it'd be better explained in a song. (pulls down a chart) Professor Sonybot! Give me a beat! (Music starts) (Roddenberry Genealogy Song) (Sing to the tune of Godzilla Genealogy Song; Sort of) Josh: In order to understand Star Trek, we've got to look into it's past. Nene: You know studying a past canceled series is gonna be a real blast! Kyosuke: Oh! Josh: Ah, you've got it my little kawaii friend, we're shifting into high.... Kyosuke: Oh, just cut to the chase you couple of bakas and explain the ST Family Tree! Josh: Huh? Nene: Hey! Josh: It started with Roddenberry who had a vision of unexplored space frontiers, this brilliant idea came to him over a dinner of Heineken beers! N&K: Huh? Josh: The idea was to become a series, one that was devised, Nene: to entertain America, and to promote an Enterprise? Kyosuke: Ooh, good one! Ha ha! Josh: Right! The series was such a huge success, it hit poor Gene in the face, Kyosuke: Ouch! Josh: But the show only lasted 3 seasons, and thus it was erased. Nene: Too bad! Josh: But fans wanted more and more and in the 70's came, Kyosuke: A really bad first movie, but still it spread Star Trek fame! Nene: Wow! Josh: That's right! The miracle sci-fi legend grew a hundred times it's size... Nene: Oh, that would explain Shatners's humongous rug, and thunderous thighs! Kyosuke: Huh? Nene: It rhymes! Josh: That's fine my little pupils, but now we must move on. You see, Shatner wasn't the only one to benefit from this box office bomb! Kyosuke: (Pointing at chart) Oh yeah, there's Patrick Stewart and Gates McFadden of TNG (Didn't she have a baby in the spring?). Josh: And born to Rick Berman was DS9... Kyosuke: AND NOW WE BEGIN TO SING! Nene: Yeah! Josh: Berman went to Hollywood; a friend to all the stars.. Kyosuke: His lovable buddy Brent Spiner had an affair and smoked some big cigars! Nene: Not! Kyosuke: And out of the agent's movie deal, "ST: Generations" resulted.. Nene: 2 thumbs up was suggested for them, but Siskel & Ebert weren't consulted. Josh: Oh my, no. Nene: Then Berman met Adam Nimoy, and they began to spawn...! Kyosuke: ...A couple of hundred horrible episodes as messy as Josh's front lawn! Josh: Huh? Kyosuke: There they are: there's Hallie Todd, Majel Barett, and Michael Dorn too! Nene: But those people aren't messy! Kyosuke: Well, let them sing and they are! J&N: *WHAT?!* Josh: This starting not to make sense. Nene: Did it ever? Hey? Who's that at the bottom of the chart...? Kyosuke: ...A wallowin' in her shame?! Josh: Oh, that's just Soleil Moon Frye of Punky Brewster fame. Nene: Oh! Josh: And out of this boiled concoction... Nene: No, you don't suppose...! K&J: ...came the horror of horrors... ALL: Wesley Crusher! Kyosuke: Doh! Nene: Heh heh... Josh> We've got commercial sign on top! Kyosuke: Dig it! (commercial break) ------------------------------ Nene> Hey, that was pretty good! Kyosuke> Woo-hoo! Josh> I kinda liked that. (SCENE: Night, Knight Sabers HQ. The place appears more liveable. Josh> Oh yeah, before, this place was full of cardboard boxes and piled up high with bags of dirty laundry. Kyosuke> Hmm? The four women are gathered around a table) SYLIA: All right, ladies, what do you have to tell me? Kyosuke> "Sylia, you're a bad person, and nobody likes you." NENE: Well, first of all, have you made any progress in sending us back home? SYLIA: Not really. Obviously, the technology of this century is much more sophisticated than our time, and even so, I still can't find a way out. We've been stuck in square one ever since we've came here. But I seem to be more accustomed to the computer systems right now than in previous weeks, so there's still hope. LINNA: So how long will it be until we go home? SYLIA: Lord knows. Realistically, I would guess between a few months to a few years. Kyosuke> Could you get any LESS specific? I'm sorry, but I'm trying the best I could. I hope you can make yourselves useful until then. NENE: Oh, that's what we wanted to tell you. Me and Priss will be signing up to become Starfleet Officers. Josh> "Me and Priss go hunt Buffalo." SYLIA: Really? Nene> Nope, APRIL FOOL! LINNA: And I got a job at the Academy to be an aerobics instructor. SYLIA: Well, I'm glad to hear that. I guess that would certainly make the time fly by. When do you start? Kyosuke> When the cows come home? NENE: Class starts tomorrow. SYLIA: My best wishes to all three of you. Just as well; as I said, it's not likely that we'll be out of here anytime soon. Keep in mind that even though we're in a different time, I'd appreciate it if you follow Knight Saber regulations at all times. After being here for more than a month, I'm sure that I don't have to remind you of that. Josh> "Uh, remind us of what?" Kyosuke> Doh! LINNA: Understood. It's kind of funny, though... Nene> No, believe me, it's not funny. there doesn't seem to be anyone who remembers the Knight Sabers. PRISS: What did you expect? We're 300 years in the future. NENE: And I don't think ANY of us has seen a single boomer here. Josh> "Or a decent Fast Food Joint!" SYLIA: I recently checked through some files from Starfleet Command's public access computing center, and one of the files mentioned that Genom's last boomer attack on Mega-Tokyo occurred in the year 2062. They haven't been seen ever since. PRISS (small smile on her face): Just as well. Looks like your father's dream is now just a distant memory. NENE: Does it say anything about us? Nene> "Uh, yeah. We're dead." SYLIA: Nothing. The only other information I managed to dig up was about the AD Police. The powers-that-be of the United Federation of Planets started to negotiate with the ADP about a 100 years ago to see if the ADP can "join" the Federation. Josh> Oh yeah, like the AD Police would even last THAT long! Many citizens of Mega-Tokyo thought that the ADP was more pathetic than ever before, so the ADP was more than willing to become part of Starfleet. The ADP officially dissolved at the turn of the century and Starfleet Command took over from then on. That's why we see the Academy building right where the ADP used to be. NENE: Didn't they save the ADP's computer banks? SYLIA: I think some files were saved, but most of them got lost or erased when Starfleet inserted their own data. Nene> Heh, they must've used 'DoubleSpace'. LINNA: So nobody knows what our final fates are? Aren't we written in some history book somewhere? Nene> "Yeah right. Try looking under 'Armored Mercenaries of the 21st century' and see what YOU find!" SYLIA: Maybe it would be best if we didn't know. NENE, PRISS AND LINNA (together): Why? SYLIA: Because there's always that chance that whatever our final fate is may not be good at all. Kyosuke> Yeah, they might of been found naked, dead, and ODed on caffeine. Josh> Huh? We're now stuck in the future, and as far as we're con- cerned, Josh> Con-cerned? Kyosuke> That's a form I've never seen it in. Nene> Qui-te In-ter-est-ing. N-ot! we now control our OWN destiny. We can't let whatever was supposed to happen to us bother us now. LINNA: I guess you're right. SYLIA: Anyway, my best of wishes to all three of you. I hope you become successful in your endeavors. And please keep in touch with one another. Josh> (Casey Casem) "And keep reaching for the stars!" (SCENE: Mega-Tokyo Starfleet Academy building. First day of classes) (Insert BGC Pop Song) Josh> Bum bum dum, wakachawaka wakachawaka, etc. Kyosuke> (Guitar sounds) (Scene of Nene paying attention to lecture, while Priss appears bored) Josh> Heh, heh. No suprise here. LECTURER: ...one of the most important things to become a Starfleet Officer is to be able to make POSITIVE and FAST decisions. As with many other things in life, timidness cannot be tolerated... NENE (in her mind): Hmm...I think I know this already... PRISS (in her mind): When is this bullsh*t going to end... Nene> I was asking myself that same exact question. (Priss falls asleep) Kyosuke> Snore! ZZZZZZZ Josh> Wake up! Kyosuke> ZZ..Whoops, sorry. Got carried away there.. (Scene change to an aerobics class, with Linna as the instructor) LINNA: One, two, three...c'mon, lets see those legs and arms go higher! (Priss appears to be with the flow with the rest of the class, while Nene appears tired, panting, and sweaty) Nene> Uh! This is getting monotonous. LINNA: Hey, red head! Get with it! NENE (huffing and puffing): Linna, you're a slave driver! LINNA: I'm Miss Yamazaki to you. If you don't shape up, I'll make you run penalty laps around the gym. Kyosuke> "Oh, THAT hurt." NENE: Grrr.... (The workout ends. Nene falls on her back, still panting) PRISS: Guess you're too wimpy for this, eh? I told you to stay off the junk food. (Nene has an angry look) Nene> This Nene has an angry look, too! (Weeks and months pass. Scene change to a typical Academy classroom. Nene and Priss get their graded exams back) PRISS: What did you get? NENE: A+. This stuff is TOO easy. What about you? PRISS: C minus. (Nene sticks her tongue out at her. Priss makes a swipe at Nene and misses) Josh> Oh, THAT was mature. Nene> That's Priss for you. Josh> I was talking about you. Nene> Hmph! (Scene change to a Academy gymnasium, where Nene and Priss are in a martial arts class) INSTRUCTOR: Today, we'll learn some basic moves in the ancient Korean martial art, Tae-Kwon-Do. Would any of you like to volunteer? Kyosuke> I bet something funny will happen like everyone will step back leaving Nene in front. (Priss and Nene eagerly raise their hands) Kyosuke> Oh. INSTRUCTOR (points to Nene): Your name, cadet? NENE: Nene Romanova, Sir. INSTRUCTOR: Okay, Nene, come over here... Josh> "Nene steps forward, and the Instructor trips her." Kyosuke> "The class cheers." (A few minutes later, Nene makes a kick toward the instructor but misses. Her momentum causes her to fall to the floor) INSTRUCTOR: Nene, you got the right idea, but your kick is still TOO slow. If I was a Romulan, I would have killed you. Kyosuke> "The class cheers." Josh> Heh heh heh! Nene> Is everyone against me today? (Nene joins the rest of the class) INSTRUCTOR: Any other WILLING volunteers? (The instructor sees Priss's hand) Kyosuke> Heh, knowing Priss physique, I thought he'd be looking at some others parts. INSTRUCTOR: Okay, come over here. Your name? PRISS: Priss. Who wants to know? Nene> "Me. Didn't you hear me ask you?" INSTRUCTOR: And your last name? PRISS: Don't know what it is. My parents were killed when I was young. Nene> "Interesting last name. I'm Mark." Josh> I thought it was Asagiri. Kyosuke> Well, not officially. Josh> Oh, THAT clears it up. INSTRUCTOR: Ok, if you say so. Anyway, here is how you do a basic kick in the chops (Does the demonstration to Priss) Very simple. But the thing is, you should TRY to execute the move quickly in order for it to be effective. Even a moment of tardiness could be costly during a battle with the enemy. All right, you give it a try. (Priss at super speed whacks the instructor in the stomach) INSTRUCTOR: Oof. Wow, you're fast. (Priss continues to pummel away at the professor) INSTRUCTOR: Okay, okay...AAGH! You've done your part. Now... Josh> Does Priss usually beat people without Mercy? Nene> Sometimes. (Priss then does an arm chop in the chops) INSTRUCTOR: Hey, we haven't learned that yet! Will you... (Priss continues to beat him up without mercy) INSTRUCTOR: Hey, STOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPP!!!! Helppppppppp!!!!! Josh> Heh. Uh... Kyosuke> Nene> OK, you can stop anytime now! Kyosuke> You know, I'd like to beat the pulp out of Fred. (The other students in the class cheers Priss on as she beats the instuctor to a pulp. Afterwards, she places her foot on his fallen body, indicating victory. The cadets go crazy for Priss) INSTRUCTOR (groggy): Class......dismissed. (Head flumps back to the floor) (SCENE: Typical Starfleet Academy classroom. Priss is there. There is an empty seat where Nene should be) LECTURER: Cadet Nene Romanova! (silence. A small smile appears on Priss's face) Cadet Nene Romanova! Cadet Priss, do you know where Romanova is? Kyosuke> He he! Probably in the Cafeteria. Nene> (trying to grab Kyosuke) Let me at him! Don't hold me back! I'll kill him! No jury would ever convict me! Especially not up here! Josh> Stop! Stop! (Priss shakes her head) Josh> "....And it falls off her shoulders.." (SCENE: Back to the gym for yet another martial arts class) Nene> Back to the gym for another pointless sequence of needless plot development. Josh> Hey, where do Trekkers go for a workout? Kyosuke> The "He's Dead, Gym"? Josh> He he he. INSTRUCTOR: ...and now it is time for your first martial arts test. All of you are required to take it in order to pass the course. Any willing volunteers? (Priss raises her hand.) INSTRUCTOR: Oh, Priss. Well, OK, but the test will be a little different for you. PRISS: Huh? INSTRUCTOR: Normally, you would have to take me on for the test, but since you've already...um, made me look bad, I'd figure you should take on one of the other instructors. (Gestures toward one of the gym doors) (As the side door opens, a large figure steps out. He appears to be 6 foot 10 inches Josh> Specific, isn't he? and has a "Bruce Lee" type figure) Kyosuke> What kind of figure DOES Bruce Lee have? Josh> Not much of one since he's dead. Kyosuke> No one tells me anything. INSTRUCTOR: Priss, this is Okyorama. He recently won the Far East Tae- Kwon-Do tournament in Seoul and is the current Martial Arts Champion of Mega-Tokyo. (Priss gasps) OKYORAMA: How doo you doo. (Realizes that Priss is female) Wait ah minoote, do yoo expact mee too take on GOILIE? Kyosuke> Their translator must be on the fritz. Nene> Pbbt! I thought in the future, bad English dialogue would be eliminated. Josh> Well, in the future, maybe stories like this will be eliminated. Kyosuke> Not bloody likely. INSTRUCTOR: Of course! She beat the crap out of me the other day. OKYORAMA (to instructor): You GOOT to be KEEDING. You actually LOOST to GOILIE? PRISS: "GOILIE"? Who are you calling a GOILIE? OKYORAMA (to Priss): Oooops. My apologees, Madame Goilie. I doo not weesh to hurt a weeekaling like you... Josh> And I doo not weesh to reed a storee like thees. Stoop Coomplaneeng. PRISS: Weakling?!??! Okay, that's it! (to the instructor) I'll take him on! INSTRUCTOR: Good luck! OKYORAMA: Now wait, goilie...I don't want to...OOOAUF!!! (Priss hits him hard in the chops) Kyosuke> Pork or Lamb? Josh> HMMMMMMMM.... (Lip smacking sound) (We now see shots of Priss hitting Okyorama on various parts of his body. Okyorama tries to fight back but Priss is too much for him) Josh> Kin-ky! OKYORAMA: AAAAGHHHH!! OAMUFFF!!! OOOOOOOGHHHHHHHH!!! CADETS IN GYM: PRISS! PRISS! PRISS! PRISS! PRISS! PRISS! PRISS! PRISS! PRISS! PRISS! PRISS! PRISS! PRISS! GO PRISS! YAAAAAAAAAAY! (Finally, Okyorama lands on the floor face first in exhaustion. Cadets surround Priss in jubilation. Instructor comes up to Okyorama's face) INSTRUCTOR: I told you. (Okyorama's head falls back onto the canvas) Nene> "And breaks into a million pieces..." (SCENE: Another Academy classroom.) LECTURER: Cadet Nene Romanova! (silence) Cadet Romanova! DANG IT! WHERE IS SHE? Josh> "In the Can." (Scene change to Nene's Mega-Tokyo apartment. She is sitting in front of a computer terminal hacking away) Kyosuke> Ooops! She found Priss' politically incorrect gifs. NENE: Dum da de dum dum... Kyosuke> Is she talking about the story? (Something with the United Federation of Planets logo appear on the screen) Kyosuke> "Hmm...what's this say? 'You are unauthorized. Stay were you are.' Hmm hmm 'Your equipment will be confiscated.' Uh-huh. 'DO NOT PASS GO....'. Yeah, yeah.." NENE: Hey! Now I can change my grades...wait, er, NAH! I'm not that dishonest. Kyosuke> "Ha, who am I kidding?! I'll change them!" Nene> Ahem! (SCENE: Several days later. Some of the Academy Instructors are talking in a lounge) INSTRUCTOR (the same guy who taught the martial arts class): I tell you, she's a tough cookie! Josh> Gingerbread, eh? Nene> Hmm? OKYORAMA: Yah. She beat me up. Read bawd. ANOTHER MARTIAL ARTS INSTRUCTOR: You wimps. A woman beat you guys up? (Both instructors nod their heads) Kyosuke> "Heh, heh. Then she handcuffed me, whipped me until I was a good boy..." Josh> Kyosuke! Kyosuke> What? ANOTHER MARTIAL ARTS INSTRUCTOR: I can't believe that. Okay, we'll see how tough she really is... (Scene change to another part of the lounge) LECTURER: Hey, do you have a Nene Romanova in your class? LECTURER 2: Romanova...Romanova...ah yes. Best grades in the class, I think, but she never shows up for lecture. LECTURER: Same here. I've haven't seen her for the past two lectures. Gawd, I hate losing students. Nene> It's better than losing your lunch. Josh> (comedy rim-shot) LECTURER 2: Past two lectures? You're lucky. I haven't seen her for the past two weeks. (Another lecturer comes up) LECTURER 3: Past two months for me. (The other lecturers look astonished) Kyosuke> "My God! Are we all really THAT boring?" (SCENE: A cafeteria. Nene and Priss are sitting together eating lunch) NENE: So how are your grades? PRISS: So so. And you? Kyosuke> "I'm Nene. I thought we were past that stage." NENE: 3.68 on a 4.0 GPA scale. PRISS: Huh? You hardly show up for class. NENE (arrogant): I'm a brain. Hee hee! (smiles) Josh> "Steve Romanova, in 'The Man with NO Brains.' " Nene> Hey! PRISS: Humph. For your info, my best classes are in martial arts. NENE: So I heard. At this rate, the Academy won't have any more instructors if you keep mutilating them. PRISS: Guess I need to beat up a boomer sometime. Too bad there aren't any around here. (Takes out a white envelope from her bag). Kyosuke> "Gotta feed my secret heroin habit. NOW!" By the way, what classes are you going to take next semester? Kyosuke> "Taxidermy, Pornography 101..." Josh> What IS IT with you today? NENE (pondering): Hmm....if I recall, mostly on technical and mechanical stuff. What about you? PRISS: I'm going to find out right now. (Opens the envelope and reads the her class schedule) Phaser weaponry, warp technology...huh? NENE: What's the matter? Josh> "Burning pain. Right here...in my side. Urk! Need...Rolaids! Need..to...spell....'Relief'! PRISS: I don't remember signing up for Sumo Wrestling. Kyosuke> "And I don't remember most of the 60's. Your point?" Nene> "You weren't born then, doofus!" Kyosuke> "Oh." (SCENE: Office of the Dean of Martial Arts. Priss is in the office. A secretary sits behind a desk working.) SECRETARY: Cadet Priss, Mr. Toshiyaba is ready to see you now. PRISS: Thank you. (Priss stalks through Mr. Toshiyaba's door and throws down her class schedule onto his desk) PRISS: What is this? TOSHIYABA: It's a class schedule. Nene> (comedy rim-shot) Josh> Please, don't try to be funny. PRISS: Very good. You're smarter than I thought. Okay, I'll get to the point. Who signed me up for Sumo? TOSHIYABA: Oh, yes. I know you, Cadet Priss. The instructors told me that you are REQUIRED to take that course in order for you to graduate. PRISS: WHAT!!! Why? Josh> "Oh, just the usual administration bullshit." TOSHIYABA: Umm...well they didn't say. Nene> "I'm not too smart. I usually believe anything my faculty tells me." PRISS: I hope you're not lying. You better tell me or else you won't have any more teeth. Josh> What, are they going to wait for a couple of decades until his teeth fall out? TOSHIYABA: Now come on, Cadet! One more class of martial arts class is very useful. Starfleet likes true fighters in their ranks. Besides, Sumo is very easy. PRISS: Easy? TOSHIYABA: Very easy, especially of your calliber. Trust me, you won't take on anyone over 200 pounds. Trust me. PRISS: You got to be kidding. Nene> If he is, he's the lousiest comedian I'VE ever heard. TOSHIYABA: No joke. Nene> Oh, ok. PRISS: All right, if you say so. (SCENE: Academy Gymnasium. Priss is looking at a 520 pound sumo wrestler) Kyosuke> Doh! PRISS: He doesn't look under 200 to me. INSTRUCTOR: Oops, our scale is broken, I think. Nene> "Priss precedes to claw his eyes out." PRISS: "Trust me"; yeah, right. Hey, who else signed up for this class anyway? INSTRUCTOR: You're the only one. PRISS: HUH? Josh> "I SAID, 'YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE!'" INSTRUCTOR: From what others told me, you're the only one fitted for this class. PRISS: This is a set up! Kyosuke> "You're right! You're Under Arrest! Miyuki, get the cuffs!" Josh> Heh! Double pun. INSTRUCTOR: Hey, I only told you what others have told me. Kato, attack the woman! Kyosuke> Is O.J. coming out to play, too? Josh> Or is that 'The Green Hornet'? (Kato lunges forward in his sumo stance. Priss appears ready as well.) KATO: HYAAAAA!!! (Kato attacks and hits Priss in the chest. Instructor giggles) INSTRUCTOR: Looks like you have met your match. PRISS: Ha! Nobody gets off that easily. (Priss gets up and chops him in the chest. Kato doesn't move. A smile appears on his face) PRISS: Looks like you'll be tougher than I thought. Nene> Heh. Yeah, it should take about THREE sentences to beat him. (Kato hits Priss again and she falls to the floor) INSTRUCTOR: Ha ha! Do you give up? PRISS (angry and breathing hard): NOOOO! (Priss makes a flying tackle to the face. Kato wreaks in pain. She then hits him continually in the midsection) KATO: OOOOF! AAAAAAGHGH! I'm hurting! I give up! (Falls to the floor) Nene> Ok, four. INSTRUCTOR: Wow! I am impressed with your stupendous strengh! Josh> Well, I'm not impressed with this story, I'll tell you that much. Nene> Nuh-uh. Kyosuke> Nope. (Priss does a tae-qwon-do kick to the instructor's head. He falls to the floor too) PRISS: Yeah, I hope you're impressed with that too. (Priss leaves) ALL> Waaah, waaah, waaaaaaaaaaaaa! (More weeks and months pass. We see more scenes of Priss and Nene's academy training. More aerobics, computer training, combat situations with Klingons, Nene skipping class constantly...) Nene> Thank god we didn't have to read all of that! Josh> At least this isn't the 'Un-cut Director's version'. (It is now exactly two years since the Knight Sabers landed in Mega-Tokyo. Kyosuke> Geez, quick. Josh> Phew! We now see a commencement ceremony in the Mega-Tokyo Starfleet Academy Gardens. Priss and Nene are there along with hundreds of other cadets) DEAN: Distinguished Cadets, welcome to yet another stage of your life. You have now mastered the fine arts and training of space travel. As you all will go your separate ways, whether here on Earth or on one of Starfleet Command's heralded starships, I hope that your vast experiences in Starfleet Academy were most memorable. Josh> Yawn! Kyosuke> "Yeah, yeah, cut the balloon juice! I'm late for a party!" Our guest speaker is one of Starfleet's most recognized veterans. He has been very invaluable to the United Federation of Planets for more than 80 years. He was a doctor on the USS Enterprise for some 30-plus years and is currently the head of Doctorial Affairs for Starfleet. Please give a big round of applause for Admiral Leonard "Bones" McCoy! ALL> "Boooooo! Hisssss! Get that old man off stage!" (Cadets clap as McCoy takes the stand) Josh> "And throw assorted syntho-fruits and vegetables!" MCCOY: Thank you, Admiral. First of all, I'd like to say that I am, um, honored to be here talking to you. I, um, am not much of a speaker, but ,um, I could give it the ol' Academy try. Get it? Academy try? (The cadets remain emotionless) Kyosuke> There's a joke there, I can sense it. Josh> You think? MCCOY: Oh, well. I still remember when I, um, first graduated from the Academy. It was, um, a very good experience. I was, um, looking forward to being a full-fledged doctor in space. Working under James T. Kirk was very, um, exciting for me. In my time, there weren't a lot of "quacks in space", anyway. Get it? Quacks in space? Kyosuke> "Heh, heh. Uh, just smile and nod." (Cadets have puzzled looks on their faces) Josh> That sentence could also apply to anyone who reads this. MCCOY: Oh, dang it! I'm a doctor, not a speech-giver! In short, good luck with your careers in Starfleet. Thank you. (Cadets cheer) (Soon, the cadets were given their commissions. The Dean is once again on the stand calling out names) DEAN: Cadet Nene Romanova! (Nene goes up and gets her commission certificate. She reads it: Josh> "SO LONG SUCKER!!" THIS CERTIFIES THAT NENE ROMANOVA HAS SATIFIED THE REQUIREMENTS TO BE AN OFFICER FOR THE UNITED FEDERATION OF PLANETS GRADUATING RANK: Ensign ASSIGNMENT: Navigator and Engineering USS Enterprise (NCC-1701-D) NENE: Wow! I'm on the Enterprise! Kyosuke> And thus the plot sickens... DEAN: Cadet Priss! (Priss gets her certificate and sits back down. She becomes elated when she reads it) Nene> "All the instructors cheer." NENE: You happy too? PRISS: Yep. (She smiles as she shows her certificate) NENE (surprised): Huh? How? Why? (SCENE: The Academy Credit Evaluation Office) NENE (to administrator): Why? ADMIN: Well, she proved something that you never were. NENE: What? Josh> "A better dancer." ADMIN: Comparing her record to yours, she had a better class attendance record than you, and she seem to be an expert in all sorts of combat. You had better grades than her, but you only seem to be here a quarter of the time. Also, Priss is the only cadet in Starfleet's history who managed to injure three Academy Martial Arts instructors. NENE: That's stupid. I'm good at combat too! Kyosuke> "Yeah, if you were really desperate, you might be able to slap a Romulan in the face or hit him with your purse." Josh> He he he! Nene> Hmph! ADMIN: Yes, your record indicates that, but only particularly in phaser warfare. She is all-around. NENE: This is unfair. Josh> Having to read THIS is unfair. Get over it! ADMIN: We could do a re-evaluation, but it would only be on her permission. All evaluations are final unless requested by that particular cadet. (Nene groans) ADMIN: Look at it this way. You're serving on the Starship Enterprise. Only the best gets to serve on that ship. NENE: Then promote me if I am the best. ADMIN: Can't. You're record isn't good enough. Look, I got work to do, so if you don't mind... (Nene stomps out without a word) Josh> "The Honeymooners!" (SCENE: Knight Sabers HQ. Sylia is sitting in front of a computer terminal wondering.) SYLIA (in her mind): How did we get here...how did we get here... why are we here...who brought us here...in this distant time...will we ever go home...oh God...someone help me Kyosuke> Are we dead? Josh> Is this Heaven or Hell? Kyosuke> What's the meaning of life? Nene> Daddy, what's Vietnam? Josh> How big is God? LARGO'S VOICE: Sylia...Sylia...Sylia... Nene> "What?...What?...What?..." SYLIA: What? (Sylia finds herself in another place, different from her previous surroundings. She sees nothing but blackness around her. Then Largo's form materializes in front of her) LARGO: Hi, Sylia. Welcome...to another time...your destiny rests here. Here...in a time where boomers don't exist...but only humans think that. We are still alive...we still exist...only humans don't know that. We are still alive...we will control the universe... Josh> "Do not adjust your set. We will control what is BORING!" SYLIA: Impossible! You will never succeed. LARGO (laughing): Ha! Your father had a dream...a good one...if not for him we would not exist...you wouldn't exist either...but we had yet a better dream. We are more superior that those crummy humans...this is your chance to share my glory with me...join me...be part of me...I love you, Sylia... SYLIA: No! I will never... Kyosuke> "...dance nude on the front lawn, carrying mango fruits in each hand!" Josh> Huh? LARGO: Foolish one. You will lose eventually. Join me now...forget the Knight Sabers...we will show you...that we will rule eventually...and the universe will be ours to share..together...in love. As one. Join me... SYLIA: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Nene> YEESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!! LINNA: Sylia? (Sylia wakes up, realizing that she was dreaming. She finds herself in the room again and sees Linna at the doorway) LINNA: I came over to see how you were doing. Is something wrong? SYLIA: I...had a bad dream. (sighs) We've been here too long. I just can't find a way. Everything's getting to me... Kyosuke> Oh, just GIVE UP! LINNA: I know what you mean. I like it here; it's just that...well you've already heard the same thing from us zillions of times already. Josh> "Yeah, I know. Will you just shut up for once?!" SYLIA: Yeah. I still can't find a way for us to go home...but.... LINNA: What is it? SYLIA: Come with me. Kyosuke> (Arnie Voice) "...if you want to live." (Sylia shows Linna to a back door. Linna sees a giant blue-colored spaceship, which looks awfully familiar. She also sees some very familiar hardsuits) LINNA (astonished): What? How? How did all this get here? Josh> "Appeared by magic. Pretty cool, huh?" SYLIA: I made them. LINNA: Really? Kyosuke> "No, actually I got them on sale at 'Big Lots'." SYLIA: I was very impressed with the vast technological advancements of the 24th Century. The databanks of Starfleet Command's public access sites seemed very useful. LINNA: Wow. They look just like our hardsuits. SYLIA: They are--and a lot better too. We probably won't use them now... LINNA: Then what's the point of all this? Nene> My thoughts exactly. SYLIA (sighs): I made them...in the event that we go home. But...it really seems hopeless. No boomers in the 24th century. No wonder that there is such thing as a Starfleet Command instead of an AD Police. Maybe Priss was right, when she said...boomer technology is dead. I guess this is all out of frustration, making all this. But still, I wanted to fill the time. Josh> Yeah, well, They seem to be filling up the time pretty well with this POINTLESS CONVERSATION!!!! I tried to find a way back. I've read about stories in the databanks about time travel. Some captain of a previous starship Enterprise--forgot his name--managed to go back to the 20th century in an effort to save the earth from ecological disaster. Nene> Duh! I wonder who THAT could be? So far, that feat hasn't been duplicated. Josh> It's easy. Just fly around the sun. Didn't you guys ever see the movies? I want to do that too, but even I couldn't find the right pieces to the puzzle. Kyosuke> "I accidentally dropped a few of them down the heating vent." After a few months, it seemed that reality started to strike in. There was nothing I could do. I figured that this will be our home for the rest of our lives. So I made all this...in case we do find a way home. Josh> Uh, guys? Are you as confused by Sylia's last few sentences as I am? Kyosuke> Wasn't paying attention. Nene> Me neither. But then again...there are no boomers here... Josh> "Look on the bright side. At least Disco isn't popular anymore." LINNA: You tried, Sylia. I know you don't want to let us down. But even someone like myself can realize that your human like the rest of us. Josh> Huh? Kyosuke> Yeah, that's nice. Ever thought of putting two similar sentences together?!!! SYLIA: Yes, I...suppose. (sighs) (Chime is heard from the doorway) SYLIA: Who is it? Nene> "The Angel of Death." Josh> "Your worst nightmare." Kyosuke> "The Ghost of Plots past." Josh> "The author." ALL> YAAAAAAAHHH!!!! PRISS'S VOICE: It's me! Let me in! Josh> What, did Priss forget her own name? (Sylia presses a button on a table and the door slides open. Priss runs in frantically. Priss is wearing a red Starfleet uniform) SYLIA: Priss! What's wrong? Kyosuke> "They're re-running episodes of 'The Brady Bunch'!!" Josh> "Oh God! That's different! Get in! Get in!" PRISS (panting): Hide me! SYLIA: Hide you? Who is chasing you? PRISS: Never mind that! Just hide me! (sees a closet) I'll go in here! (Priss presses a button and the closet door opens. She goes in and hides under some of Sylia's clothes) (Another chime from the door) Josh> "Every time I turn around, that damn chime goes off! Calgon, take me away....." SYLIA: Who is it? Kyosuke> (falsetto voice) Avon calling. NENE'S VOICE: Hi, Sylia! It's me, Nene. Is Priss in there? SYLIA: Er, yes. She went into the closet. Come on in. (Door opens and a red-faced Nene enters. She is also wearing a red Starfleet uniform. She then marches to the closet and presses the button. Nene sees Priss huddled under party dresses) Kyosuke> Does Sylia goes to parties? Nene> Oh, yeah. Usually on the weekends. Very few people know that. NENE: There you are! PRISS: GAAAAAAAAAK! Kyosuke> "By Nickelodeon." NENE: I ought to... (starts choking Priss) Josh> (wrestling announcer voice) "...and Nene's got Priss in a sleeper hold! I don't know folks, this COULD be it! Right there!" N&K> (audience cheers) Yaaaaay!!! LINNA: Nene, what are you doing? Let her go! (tries to separate them) Kyosuke> Uhh, I'm not touching that one. Josh> Are they joined at the hips? You know, Siamese Twins? (Sylia intervenes and drags them both out of the closet. SYLIA: Could one of you explain what is going on here? NENE: Okay, the good news...we both graduated from Starfleet Academy. SYLIA: That's good! Then why are you mad at Priss? NENE: The bad news... Nene> "I have a thing for hamsters...." Josh> ????? she got a promotion! (points to Priss) PRISS: Well, that's what you get for skipping class three thousand times... NENE: Grr...(lunges toward Priss) Josh> Cat fight! Kyosuke> Meow! Hissss! SYLIA: Ladies! Ladies! Let's knock it off, shall we. I'm sure the 24th century don't need any hostility now. Nene, you apologize for being mean to Priss. Nene> "Say IT, Say IT!" Josh> Oh, yeah. Two grown up women need a moderator. Kyosuke> "Kiss and make up, children." NENE (reluctant): Okay, sorry. But I'm still jealous. I should be a Junior Lieutenant, not her. PRISS: Well, you fight like a wimp in combat... SYLIA: Priss! Nene> "....did you eat the last slice of cheesecake?!" Josh> (sigh) PRISS (trying to look innocent): Yes? SYLIA: Nene is NOT a wimp. If she was, she wouldn't be a Knight Saber. PRISS: Oh...sorry, Nene. I didn't mean that. Kyosuke> "I meant a lot WORSE!" SYLIA: Now that's better. Ladies, I don't think this is anything to make a fuss over. If I recall, Lieutenant Junior Grade is one step higher than Ensign. NENE: Yeah, but... SYLIA: So, if you ask me, you two are capable of doing anything at any time. Rank isn't everything. To me, you two are exactly the same. PRISS: Well, Nene is fatter than I am, so... Josh> He he he. Nene> SYLIA: Physically, there may be differences, but deep down inside is what really counts in order to be successful in life. And I think you two have proved that. (Nene and Priss look at each other) Kyosuke> "And begin to hock loogies at each other." Josh> (shivers) Eeew! Don't say that! NENE & PRISS (at the same time): I'm sorry! SYLIA: That's better. So, when are you two leaving for the stars? NENE: The Enterprise is expected to take a one day shore leave tomorrow and we're going to board tomorrow morning. SYLIA: And you two will be serving on the same ship? (Nene and Priss nod) Josh> "...and knock each other out." SYLIA: Good. Keep in touch with one another, and I hope you have a good journey. I'm very proud of you two, making the best out of a tough situation. Oh by the way, here's something I'd like to show you... Nene> Uh oh. Josh> Convulated plot device time. (Sylia shows Nene and Priss to the back room) NENE: Our hardsuits! PRISS: How did all this get here? SYLIA: I made them. Nene> D-U-H. I'm pretty impressed with 24th century technology. (smiles) NENE: But we probably won't be using them now... SYLIA: Correct. We'll be bringing them back with us when we go home... that is...IF we go home.... NENE (unhappy suddenly): Gee, you HAD to remind us. ALL> "THANKS, SYLIA!" SYLIA: Sorry. It's got to me too. (looks at a digital wall clock). Kyosuke> "Oops, time for 'Power Rangers'!" It's getting late. You two got a long day ahead of you tomorrow. NENE: You're right. C'mon Priss, let's go. LINNA: Hey, wait up! I want to go with you! (Sylia waves the three girls good-bye. After they leave, Sylia goes back to the back room and stares at the new improved Knight Saber equipment. She then have afterthoughts of the dream she just had) SYLIA: Largo...are you still out there? Josh> I hear a song cue coming up. Kyosuke> (singing) "Ohhh, sweet mystery of life...At last I've found you!" Nene> Tom Servo you are NOT. (SCENE: Outer Space. Border of the Romulan Neutral Zone. We first see an army of 50 boomers enter view. Then, a giant cubicle ship, about 10,000 times larger than a single boomer, appears) BORG: IDENTIFY YOURSELF. LARGO (in boomer suit): I'm glad you asked. I am Largo, leader to the Genom Conglomerate. We are pleased to meet you. BORG: YOU APPEAR HUMAN, YET OUR SENSORS INDICATE THAT YOU ARE ALL MACHINES. Kyosuke> "...and like to take long strolls along the beach." LARGO: Yes, you are correct. I, myself, was human, but I am...immortal. We terrorized planet earth some 300 years ago, but we were defeated by a... stronger force, shall we say. Nene> "That was about the time they decided to dub us." We have been hiding until now. Now we want to rule the universe. BORG: ONLY THE BORG SHALL RULE THE UNIVERSE. LARGO: I know that. How about if we...work together as a team? Josh> "All the Borg laugh simultaneously." BORG: TEAMWORK? UNITY? Josh> "LET ME GET THE DICTIONARY. SIT DOWN. MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME." LARGO: Yes...two strong minds as one. While we were hiding, we have improved ourselves in many ways. We are now a force that the universe will fear forever! BORG: IF WE WERE HUMAN, WE WOULD BE LAUGHING. Nene> Hey guys, isn't laughing even irrelevant to these guys? Josh> Probably, but that's the fault of the author. LARGO: Now, C'mon! Give us a chance! BORG: OPPORTUNITIES ARE IRRELEVANT. Josh> Confusion is RELEVANT in this case. LARGO: Now wait a minute! Isn't your ultimate goal...to capture and enslave all races? Kyosuke> "Actually, our main goal is to prompt the eating of all different kinds of cheeses." Nene> That was just plain weird. BORG: CORRECT ANALYSIS. LARGO: Well, how about if we became...a PART of you. The borg is all one collective mind, correct? BORG: CORRECT. LARGO: And when we do...we, you...ALL of us...will become the most destructive force in the universe. Think about it...just give us a chance to see what we could do. All the power and glory... (Silence) BORG: VERY WELL. WE WILL GIVE YOU AN OPPORTUNITY TO PROVE YOURSELVES. Josh> Oh, yeah. Like the Borg would give in THAT easily. Kyosuke> How are the talking in the middle of space, anyway? Doesn't the absence of oxygen make that kind of impossible? LARGO: Thank you. You wont regret it. By the way, can you tell me if there is a Starfleet Command Captain named...Stingray? BORG: CHECKING AVAILABLE STARFLEET INFORMATION...CAPTAIN MACKEY STINGRAY THE FOURTH, OF THE USS MEGA-TOKYO, REGISTRATION NCC-2030. LARGO: Excellent. J&K> EXCELLENT! (air guitar) (SCENE: USS Mega-Tokyo. View of the ship as Captain Mackey Stingray IV does a personal log) Nene> "Urrgh. You know, it's hard to write on oak." Josh> He he he. MACKEY (voiceover): Captain's Personal Log Stardate 45825.1. I am bored. Bored as hell. Josh> Join the club. Seems that the time between assignments last an eternity. This is only the ship's maiden voyage Kyosuke> Wait, if it's the ship's maiden voyage, how did the Borg know about it so quickly? Josh> I dunno. Free Upgrade? and already I long for some hard-hittin' action. I should be asleep with the rest of my officers, but I don't feel tired at all. Just darned bored. With nothing better to do, I guess I'll mess with my computer terminal. Josh> "Mackie, stay out of those gifs!" Kyosuke> Choosy perverts choose GIF. (We now see Captain Stingray in his ready room. He turns on his desktop computer) Josh> "Hello-Mackie. You-really-turn-me-on." MACKEY: Computer, give me a family tree listing of the Stingray family. COMPUTER VOICE: SEARCHING...FAMILY HISTORY FOUND. (The screen is filled with Stingray family members and relatives. Mackie notices that there were three other Mackies before him. Nene> Well, I suppose that would explain why his name is Mackie Stingray the FOURTH. Josh> Hmmm...guess you're right. He also notices that the first Mackie had a sister) Nene> Wow, BIG coincidence. What are the chances of THAT happening? MACKEY: Hmmm....computer, give me all available information regarding Sylia Stingray. (Computer screen now displays a picture of Sylia but nothing more) COMPUTER VOICE: NO OTHER DATA FOUND. MACKIE (looking at the picture): Josh> "Wow, she was HOT!" Nene> NOW, it's 'Mackie'? That's weird...hmmm...odd, she looks like the scientific type. I know that my great-great grandfather was involved with developing some...robotic race. Prehistoric androids, perhaps? I wonder if this Sylia had something to do with it too... Kyosuke> (singing) "I wonder, I wonder...about the game of love.." Josh> .."Love.." Kyosuke> "Love, luv, la, la, love." Nene> Wrong song guys. INTERCOM VOICE: Bridge to Captain Stingray. MACKEY: Stingray here. Kyosuke> "...and there. I do not like this story Josh-I-am. I would not read this in the can." Josh> He's turned back into 'Mackey'! Nene> The author must be struggling in a difficult inner conflict on deciding who to put down. Josh> Split personality. INTERCOM VOICE: You're wanted on the bridge. We're picking up a weird distress signal. (Mackie enters the bridge) MACKIE: Report. Josh> " It says, 'HEEEEELLLLLLPPPPPPP!!!!'" SECURITY CHIEF: The signal is coming from the Romulan Neutral Zone. MACKIE: Idenification? SECURITY CHIEF: Unconfirmed, sir. Doesn't sound like anything familiar. MACKIE: It's not coming from a Romulan or Vulcan vessel? SECURITY CHIEF: Negative. We'd know it if it was. Kyosuke> "Oh, sure! You know EVERYTHING!" MACKIE: All right, let's check it out. Ensign, set course for the Romulan Neutral Zone. Warp 4. Nene> Uh, shouldn't they call StarFleet first? Josh> Um.... ENSIGN IN NAV: Course set. Warp 4 ready. Estimated time of arrival: 30 minutes. MACKIE: Engage. Stingray to Engineering. LIEUTENANT IN ENGINEERING: Engineering here. MACKIE: How are the shields? LIEUTENANT IN ENGINEERING: Shields are operative and at full strengh, sir. MACKIE: Good. We might need them in case this is a Romulan hoax. Stingray out. LIEUTENANT IN CONN: What do you think, sir? Josh> "Absolutely nothing, but back to the subject at hand." MACKIE: Right now I'm guessing that is another cargo ship that went off- course again. Not that uncommon. But this might be a Romulan trap, so I'm ready for anything. (SCENE: Mega-Tokyo arriving in the Neutral Zone border) ENSIGN IN NAV: We have now arrived at the border of the Neutral Zone, sir. LIEUTENANT IN CONN: Captain, sensors are picking up...something. Nene> "Could you maybe be a bit more specific?" MACKIE: Identification? Josh> Didn't he already ask that? LIEUTENANT IN CONN: It appears to be a herd of...android-like robotic beings. I think they're withing viewing range. MACKIE: Onscreen. (The army of boomers appears on the screen) MACKIE: My God, what are they? Suggestions! Josh> (wimpy voice) "Uh, giant killer robots, sir?" SECURITY CHIEF: Recommend that we raise shields and try to communicate with them. They appear not to be hostile, but I don't think we should take any chances. MACKIE: All right, make it so. Raise shields, open hailing frequencies. SECURITY CHIEF: Hailing frequencies open, sir. Kyosuke> "...and they get blown out of the galaxy." Josh> I hope Mackie's not wearing a red uniform. (Mackie gets out of the command chair and walks to the viewscreen) MACKIE: This is Captain Mackie Stingray of the USS Mega-... LIEUTENANT IN CONN: Captain! They're locking on... (An array of laser fire violently rocks the ship. Red Alert sirens go off) MACKIE: Damage report! SECURITY CHIEF: Shields are now down to 48 percent! MACKIE: What! You gotta be kidding. Stingray to Engineering! Can you divert more power to the shields? Nene> "No, but thanks for asking." LIEUTENANT IN ENGINEERING: I can try, Captain, but it's going to be hard! The laser fire knocked out some systems down here! MACKIE: Make it so! (Another array of laser fire hits the ship. Ship rocks more violently. (Lights on the bridge dim) MACKIE: Damage report! SECURITY CHIEF: Shields inoperative! MACKIE: My Stars, who ARE they? Josh> "My stars"? Kyosuke> More like, "Holy mother of @!$#ing pearl!" Nene> Watch it! SECURITY CHIEF: Captain, decks 5 through 27 are reporting serious injuries and casualties! LIEUTENANT IN CONN: Captain, sensors are indicating that the robotic beings are surrounding the ship in an oval! They're now on both our port and starboard bow! MACKIE: Engineering! Where's the power to the shields? LIEUTENANT IN ENGINEERING: I think I can get some more, Captain! Now rerouting to secondary power. Josh> Wait a minnit! A second ago it was HARD to get power. Kyosuke> "Captain! Plot holes on our port & starboard bow!" (Scene changes to outside the ship. All the boomers fire at the ship at the same time. Ship rocks again and starts to viabrate uneasily) Josh> "Quick, bridge lurch, NOW!" ALL> (All lurch left and right as the ship rocks) SECURITY CHIEF: Shields are completely out! All systems are now offline! LIEUTENANT IN ENGINEERING: Captain! Both impulse and warp engines are severely damaged. Picking up mass energy fluxuations throughout the shi...AAAAAAAGGHHHH! Josh> "Captain, I've got an boo-boo! Kiss it and make it better!" (Explosion is heard through the speaker) (Lights continue to flicker and dim on the bridge. Ship rocks violently) LIEUTENANT IN CONN: Captain! All systems inoperative! Mass energy fluxuations throughout the ship! This thing is going to blow! MACKEY: All hands abandon ship! Get the hell out of here NOW! Get escape pods rea... Kyosuke> Mackie, this is no time to freeze in the middle of a sentence! (Ship explodes in a flash of fireworks and white light. Boomers flee the scene.) Kyosuke> Oh. Josh> Music crescendos, fade to black. (SCENE: Neutral Zone, one hour later. The Borg returns) BORG: WE ARE...IMPRESSED. LARGO (smiling): I knew you would. BORG: WE WELCOME YOU...TO THE WORLD OF THE BORG. Josh> "I hope that's better than Euro-Disney." Nene> Face it, ANYTHING is better than Euro-Disney. (Largo smiles and lets out an evil laugh as we fade away to commercial) Josh> And we laugh as we get away from this dumb fanfic! Nene> Sorry guys, not over yet. Kyosuke> Damn. (sits back down) Josh> (sigh) COMMERCIAL (We see an ordinary person) ANNOUNCER: Wouldn't it be great if you decided to take a nap... Josh> I'm about to. (The guy falls asleep on a hammock) ANNOUNCER: ...and you woke up to see that you became a... (The guys now appears as Kyosuke Kasuga) ANNOUNCER: ...Japanese animation character! Yes! You are now Kyosuke Kasuga from Kimangure Orange Road! Kyosuke> Who hoo! Yeah! Josh> Hmm.. KYOSUKE: Wah! Josh> 'Wah'? What's 'wah'? Nene> 'Wah' you mean? Josh> Doh. ANNOUNCER: And your date for the evening was... (Madoka drives up in a red convertible wearing a skimpy dress) ANNOUNCER: ...the voluptuous Madoka Ayukawa! Josh> Insert sleazy Music. Kyosuke> Ayukawa! KYOSUKE: Ayukawa! MADOKA: Kasuga-Kun! Nene> John! Josh> Marsha! (Scene changes to a beach with a sunset. Madoka and Kyosuke are eating picnic food.) Kyosuke> Ahhhhh.... Josh> I think we better get him out of here. Nene> I'll go get an ice pak. (leaves) Josh> Ok. ANNOUNCER: And during your date she brought lots of...BEER! Josh> What, no Zima? Wait, check that. Zima Zucks. (Madoka brings out a six-pack of Keystone) ANNOUNCER: Cold-filtered Keystone and Keystone Light. Canned beer that tastes like beer in a bottle with Keystone's specially lined can. Josh> "Lined with lead for that special poisoned taste!" (Kyosuke about to kiss Madoka) ANNOUNCER: And wouldn't it be great if Hikaru-Chan never showed up? HIKARU: Darling!!! Kyosuke> NO! (Hikaru falls from the sky and lands on Kasuga. Madoka slaps Kasuga and walks away) KYOSUKE: Wa..wa..Ayukawa! HIKARU: Darling! (hugs Kasuga. Kasuga appears embarassed and upset) Kyosuke> Noticeably so! ANNOUNCER: Cold filtered Keystone and Keystone Light. Bottled beer taste in a can. Now wouldn't that be great? Kyosuke> (coming to) Wouldn't it be great if this was over? Josh> I think it is! END OF PART 1 Josh> Acccckkkk!! There's more than ONE? "Bubblegum Trek" Copyright 1992 Byon Productions, Inc. All rights, lefts, ups, and downs reserved. Josh> "If this story is taken internally, induce VOMITING! Ecck! (leaves) Kyosuke> Oh man, we are OUT of here! (leaves) -------------------------------------- (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, K) (Kyosuke is holding an ice pack on his head.) Kyosuke> Oh yeah, that's better. Nene> You know guys, for the life of me, I can't understand the popularity of these kind of stories. Josh> Well, that's no mystery, Nene. Star Trek just happens to be a solid part of our culture, and because of that, Star Trek areas on the Internet become full. But sometimes authors get overwhelmed over which to do (a fanfic or a Star Trek story), and the 'crossover' results, the most profit-making device in the known universe. Nene> Heh, neat. But I still think these kind of stories ought to checked by some kind of control board. Josh> Oh, you mean the U.S. Congress? Kyosuke> Hey guys, is it just my headache, or is there a ship coming into range? Josh> Oh yeah, you're right! Sonybot, give me Rocket No.#9! (A ship appears on the screen, The U.S.S. Enterprise TOS) Nene> Hey, it's the Enterprise! Josh> Well DUH, didn't you read the above description? Kyosuke> Hey, something's coming up on the Octo-field viewscreen! (Octo-field viewscreen opens) ALL> CAPTAIN KIRK! KIRK> I am Captain Kirk of The...United Federation Starship... Enterprise. You are in....Federation territory. Identify yourself. Josh> Well, I'm Joshua P-Seames, this is Nene Romanova, and this is Kyosuke Kasuga. KIRK> (To offscreen) Spock, who..or..what..are these creatures? SPOCK> (offscreen) I believe the 2 'colorful' creatures are two specimens of a rare race called, 'cartoons'. The other is just a human. Nene> (offended) Cartoons, hell! We're Anime's! KIRK> Enough of that. What are you...doing in...Federation Territory? Josh> Huh? Kyosuke> (whispering) What's he talking about? Nene> (whispering) I don't know! Josh> Captain...WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! KIRK> According to computer files...you aren't registered in... StarFleet records. We have to take your...ship into custody. Josh> Hear that guys? We're going home! N&K> Yaaaaaaaaaaaayyy!!!! KIRK> .....by blasting it into bits.. ALL> WHAT?!!! KIRK> Federation policy. If we think that a ship...is a possible threat, we reserve the right...to blow it up. Josh> Ummm...give us a minute Captain. (The 3 break into a huddle) ALL> (mumble) (mumble) (whisper) (whisper) Josh> (head up) Uh, captain? KIRK> What...is it...Captain...P-Seames? Josh> How bout' you go after the owners of this satellite instead? KIRK> What good would that do? Josh> Laughs? KIRK> Spock? SPOCK> The Captain of the invading ship makes a logical conclusion, Captain. Cheap laughs are always good for ratings. KIRK> Very well...Captain. Send us the...coordinates of the owners...of your ship. Nene> (typing on a keyboard) Already sent Josh! Josh> Well, well. Nice doing business with you Captain. SPOCK> Coordinates received Captain. Location indicated in an underground research facility on Earth named, "Creep 13." KIRK> Prepare for...beamdown. Thank you...Captain. ALL> Bye! Bye! (Octo-field closes) Josh> Well, it's been a big day. Nene> Yep. Kyosuke> I'm gonna' go lay down. I've got a headache. Josh> All right. Nene> (Yawn) I think I'll go read or somethin'. Josh> Ok. (waits until she leaves) Ohhhh, Dr. Macccekk. (CREEP 13) Dr. Macek> Well booby, I.... (3 figures beam into the lab) Dr. Macek> ...What?!!! KIRK> Dr.Carl Macek...you owe..the Federation...a disciplinary fee of...500000 Credits. Round 'em up Redshirt. (Redshirt precedes to tie up Dr. Macek) Dr. Macek> Quick, Frank! Push the button! Frank! TV's Frank 2> Wow! Captain Kirk! KIRK> Redshirt... REDSHIRT RUDY> Aye, Captain. Dr. Macek> Frank! Earth to Frank! PUSH THE BUTTON! TV's Frank 2> You know Captain, I REALLY love the way you overact. KIRK> Why...Thank you. Want to hear some of my Shakespearean acting? TV's Frank 2> Sure! Dr. Macek> NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! ---------------------------------------------- CAST Joshua Phillips-Seames as Himself Nene Romanova as Herself Kyosuke Kasuga as Himself Sonybot as Himself Tracy Beaulieu as Dr. Carl Macek Frank Conniff as TV's Frank 2 Original Concept by Joshua Phillips-Seames Written by Joshua Phillips-Seames Moral Support by God, Drew Webber, Aran Schiro, and Mom Caffiene provided by Coca Cola, Inc. HOW TO CONTACT ME (Joshua Phillips-Seames) Call the Graviton BBS, gain access, and leave a message to: Joshua Seames Graviton BBS #-914-342-6730 LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO: Bubblegum Crisis, Crash, and all characters involved in the said series were created by Keiichi Sonada & copyright of Artmic/Youmex. Nene is from Bubblegum Crisis & Crash and is (c) Copyright of Artmic/Youmex Productions. Kyosuke is from Kimagure Orange Road and I have NO idea where he belongs, perhaps Animeigo? Star Trek and all its spawn are copyright of Paramount Pictures. Thanks go to the gang on MST3K, Hou Bang, Keiichi Sonada for BGC (and of course, Nene), and all the fun-loving Anime's of the world. Oh, and you...the reader! Thank you most of all! Don't take credit for this story as your own idea. I will hunt you down to the very ends of the earth and get you in the night if you do. You have to sleep sometime. Thanks to Fred Byon whom without this would not be possible. (He doesn't know about this, but thanks to him anyway...) This writing was done for the express purpose of entertainment, and is not meant as a personal attack on the original author(s) in any way. Copyright Notice and such crap This work is 50% original, and 50% satire. Any references to persons, ghosts, spirits or Animes, is totally intended, (except when we're talking real people. In that case it isn't intended except in cases of satire.) This fanfic's heckling and other things not associated with the original fanfiction except for above mentioned copyrights are the intellectual property of Joshua Bryan Phillips-Seames. Copyright 1995 Joshua Comics, Inc. & the Michigan Anime/Manga Association. SPECIAL THANKS To Hou Bang> Some of these jokes belong to you, but I hope you don't mind that I took the liberty of borrowing some. Keep up the fanfic heckling. When's your next one coming out? To MST3K> Thanks to Best Brains, Inc. With whom this would not be possible. Great stories, great heckling, great writing. Keep up the good work. Goodbye, Frank. You were enjoyed. To Reader> Hope you enjoyed #2 of BAFT3K. In the next one, I'll try to keep Nene's & Kyosuke's personalities truer to their original forms. By the way, read some of Hou Bang's 'Bad Bubblegum Crisis FanFic'. It's GumBallistic! Leave all comments, suggestions, or complaints at Graviton BBS. To Drew Webber> Thanks for letting me use your BBS as the launching platform for all my stories and all the anime help. Risky, risky, risky. ------------------------------------------------------------------- To Nene's & Kyosuke's kin and friends: They won't be home for dinner tonight. Trust me on this. About the author and character Josh- Currently hooked on "You're Under Arrest" (I can't resist those cute cops!), and trying to write 9 different Fanfics at once, Josh is currently attending Tecumseh High School (junior year). He still loves comments on his work, so send 'em in! Loves spending time with his Anime friends. Currently the only author of BAFT3K. Looking for new authors for help on it. (I can't keep up! I'm not funny enough!) About the Character Nene Romanova- Currently starring in a ADP and BGC Fanfic by Joshua P-Seames, Nene is figuring out a way to cut the outrageous costs of modem bills for everyone by installing viruses in everyone's computers! Problem solved! (Just kidding. Nene doesn't know a line of code anyway, except 'Advanced Super Duper Isometric Basic Visual Turbo'. (It's what they use in the future.)) She's finally getting used to time alone on the satellite with her friends. About the Character Kyosuke Kasuga- In his spare time, Kyosuke is trying to figure out how to get poor lit'l Hikaru out of his hair, and get back to Madoka. That is, if he can ever get off the 'Cellulite of Load'. He's driving everyone on the satellite nuts by constantly reading their minds. About the Manga-Mads- Who Cares? They're evil and that's it. Keep circulating the 'filks. PHASE OUT! ----------------------------------------------------------------- Joshua Comics, Inc. LINNA: "Ha ha! Look! Nene gained another five kilos!"