Bryan Hamilton A while back, a Doctor Who fanfic appeared before me. I never expected it, but when I saw the fanfic, a thought formed. That thought was.. NOTHING IS SAFE! BUAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! And then I set to work ripping the one script I knew by heart into manageble chunks and sending it through a super deformed meat grinder. Before you now is the end product. One part Monty Python, one part Ranma 1/2 and a little Ah! My Goddess for seasoning. So sit back, open the nearest 'Dew and enjoy the ride... Rumiko Takahashi's Quest for the Holy Grail! By Bryan Hamilton This is the first time I have tried to write this kind of story, so any suggestions or flames will be taken in stride. If you really like the story, please respond on fidonet or repost this story elsewhere as I do not have the ability to post it anywhere else. I apologize to Monty Python, Kosuke Fujishima and Rumiko Takahashi for any copyright infringements or anything else they could possibly sue me for. The Monty Python script was used as background and all characters not of Manga or Anime origin, escept Bryan and Scott, came from Monty Python. The script used as a reference was itself an amateur document written by someone who's handle was Zaphod Beeblebrox. All of the pieces existed separately, but the situation is unique. I just pushed things together nobody to my knowledge has thought to combine before, and watched the sparks fly. We start our little journey were I am sure all too many of us otakus, hentai, beginner or otherwise, find ourselves all too often..... .....in front of a TV, arguing over what to watch next. The electric hiss of static fills the room as a VCR is being prepped for use. Little scraps of cellophane fall off of a fresh copy of Ranma 1/2 the Movie: Big Trouble In Nekonron, China. The person handling the tape pauses only long enough to take a long drink of Mountain Dew, which happens to be a delicacy in this apartment. "Why don't you want to watch my new movie," Bryan calls out to the only other person in the room, "Have you got something you would rather see?" Apparently, this argument has been going on for quite some time. Scott replies while stealing the remote control, "I haven't seen Quest for the Holy Grail in over a year. And Comedy Central is showing it in five minutes!" As a beer commercial comes to its close on the TV screen, an idea forms in Bryan's head. He starts, "How's about a compromise?" "Huh?" Is all Scott could get out before Bryan rose to give the TV a swift THUMP with his mostly full Mountain Dew. As the static cleared, both men looked towards unnatural creation who's opening credits were now clearing the screen. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- England, 932 A.D. Ranma Saotome and company are tramping through the forest. Sasuke beats a pair of coconuts together to help another one of Kuno's sick fantasies. They soon encounter a dreary old castle, from which a pair of sentries are arguing about how a pair of swallows could go about carrying a coconut between them. In the distance, someone is walking off to the east, and the sound of a second pair of coconuts can be heard slowly diminishing. Ranma-chan, cold, wet and angry, calls out. Ranma: Yo, up in the castle. What's a guy got to do to get a little food and shelter around here? The guard which appears to be in charge replies instantly. Guard 1: Halt! Who goes there? Bloody 'ell, someone else beating coconuts together? Kuno: I, Tatewaki Kuno, the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High, require the sounds of travel befitting my station! Guard 2: But where did you find the coconut? I can understand one pair of migratory swallows learning how tho carry a coconut by chance, but two?? This by the second guard, keen on continuing with the whole swallow- coconut discussion. Now feeling the same impatience as Ranma had expressed earlier, Soun turns to Happosai, who is riding the back of a giant panda. Soun: Master, how are you going to get us out of this predicament? It's your fault we came on this training exercise to begin with. Never one to take responsibility, Happosai turns to Ranma-chan. Happosai: Ranma, my boy. It is you who must find a way to preserve our group as the only heir to the Saotome Anything-Goes Martial Arts dojo. You must find a way to feed and house all of us for as long as this training exercise may last. (to himself) And it won't be short, I assure you. He, he, he ,he! After an unusually long period of self restraint, Ranma finally snaps. Within milliseconds, Ranma-chan's bare foot is where the old man's head should have been. She looks down to late to keep Happosai from diving into the shirt now several sizes too big. Happosai has to be pried from Ranma's bosom. He is bound, gagged and stuffed into Ryoga's backpack just before Ryoga is sent out to collect firewood.... ....alone. Our less than merry group eventually enters a small village. The foul stench of rotting flesh is almost enough to turn even Kuno away from the only hint of civilization in many hours. To nobody's surprise, Nabiki seems to have set up shop right away. Nabiki: Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! The sign on the side of the cart reads, for those few in the village who can read, 'Tendo Corpse Disposal Service, 20 Yen Please'. Client: Here's one. Hold on, I thought you were supposed to pay me! He revives his friend, who seems to be getting much better now, and attempts to leave. With a quick nod from Nabiki, Ranma-kun (as to where he found some warm water in the English countryside, don't ask) knocks out both men with lightning speed and places them both on the cart. Nabiki is dis- appointed when she can only find ninepence on the men. Ranma takes this time to ask when he is going to get the photos back before Akane sees them as promised. Nabiki: I told you, when we have cleared the whole village, then you will get your reward. Within ten minutes, Ranma and company are the only conscious people in the entire village, and Ranma asks again for the photos. His reward is a swift boot into orbit by Akane. Nabiki never did say what the photos were of this time. Once rested, the group decides to return to Japan, now that Happosai isn't around to stop them. On the road, they pass four locals arguing about "anarcho-cynicalist" this and "watery tart" that. For the first time, Sasuke's coconuts are the only ones that can be heard clapping together. The trail ahead seems to be something other than oppressive. The sun is shining, birds are chirping and two heavily armed knights are beating the brains out of each-other. Although Ranma is looking forward to getting some practice in with these experienced fighters, the majority vote to sneak through the stream while the two knights fight on undisturbed. Ranma: You first, tom- That is all Ranma could get out before Akane lands a roundhouse kick on his chest, sending him end over end into the cold stream so conveniently placed in this scene. Ranma: Wad'ya do that for!?! Akane: Ranma, you dolt. With that over, everyone crosses the stream and prepares to enter the village about a hundred meters off. This village doesn't have the number of plague victims the last one had, much to the disappointment of Nabiki. This doesn't stop her from figuring out how to soak this town though, and in a minute's time, she has caught the attention of many peasants. As the crowd grows larger, their cries for help increase in volume until, finally, Nabiki agrees to help them find a witch among the crowd. Nabiki: (to herself) This is TOO easy, I shouldn't go back to Tokyo after all. For the price of a carrot and a few well chosen words, she brings back a few coins some local herbs and a small, unconscious pig for Kasumi to include in tonight's dinner. Akane: P-chan! In the next clearing, Mr. Macek is narrating this unusual tale.... Macek: Now with the return of Ryoga, the band numbered twelve. Much to the relief of everyone else, Happosai had yet to find his way back to the weary group. Of the dirty dozen, only Nabiki had any reason to stay in this plague infested country, thousands of miles from the nearest ramen shop or dojo. Behind this training expedition, another group was forming. At it's lead was King Arthur himself. His followers include Patsy, the Servant, Sir Lancelot, the Brave, Sir Galahad, the Pure, Sir Bedevere, Sir Robin, Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Film, and a few others not worth mentioning. As these noble men ride forth to Camelot, Ranma and company use Nabiki's hard earned money as well as part of the staggering wealth of the Kuno family to pay for a night's lodging and for once they wake up clean and happy. But today, there are weird clouds on the horizon, obviously created by another form of animation unknown to Ranma or anyone else in the group. Suddenly the clouds open to reveal a golden light. Angels sing in the background as a drop dead gorgeous goddess with a dark tan, silvery hair and blue triangles on her forehead and cheeks appears to address the mortals below. Her beauty is so great that for a brief moment, Kuno ignores Akane and his Pig- tailed Venus. All: ................... Goddess: Ranma Saotome! I have come to grant your wish! All: ................... Nothing that had ever happened to the Saotome's, Tendo's or any of Ranma's admirers could ever match this vision of Urd, even taking into account numerous encounters with a cursed Chinese spring. What the silent group could not tell was that the goddess was fighting hard to keep from laughing out-loud. A smaller, dark haired goddess was hiding behind the clouds. Skuld: (to Urd) You know noone down there has a wish coming to them. What's with the big show? Urd: (under her breath) I was supposed to talk to King Arthur anyway, and he's only a few miles away. Why not have a little fun? (to Ranma- chan) If you want to rid yourself of the curse which robs you of your manhood, you must search these lands for the relic you see before you. It is the Holy Grail! A new vision appears before the clouds, that of a golden chalice studded with jewels. Everyone is impressed, but none more so than Nabiki. Nabiki: I got dibbs on that cup when Ranma's done! P-chan: Kweeee! kwee! snort! kweeeeeeeeee! Suddenly the Grail vision disappears as Urd's concentration is broken by the appearance of a small, fast blur moving over the tree tops. Happosai: Pretty Lady! Pretty Lady! How I long to hold you in my- Urd: (cutting off Happosai) Lecherous, unworthy paws! With powers only a goddess could muster, Urd mercilessly beats Happosai using the very mask she intends to put on when confronting Arthur. The human projectile hits the ground right in front of Ranma-chan. As the doors to heaven close before them. An uplifted group unite to kick the dazed old lech as far away as they can. The first, and for many days the last, thing Happosai sees is a castle who's beacon is grail shaped. He hits the stone wall of this castle hard enough to make a hole, even though the wall is eight feet thick. All: Haikiba! (and there was much rejoicing) The party (in more ways than one) moves off following the ancient forrest path to the next castle, where they hope to get information on where best to search for this Grail thing. Ranma, upon reaching the wall of the castle, calls out to any inhabitants. Ranma: Hey! Up there in the castle! Helloooooo... Guard: 'Allo? 'Oo is it? Kuno: They call me the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High! It is I, Tatewaki Kuno, age sixteen. Genma: Grunt! (he's still a giant panda) Soun: We are travelers, searching for a cup known as the Holy Grail. What place is this? Guard: This castle belongs to my master, Guy de Lombarde. 'Ah grail? Shampoo: You tell us were is Grail that Ranma searches for? Guard: Well, since you are not English, 'ah guess 'ah can tell you we don't got it. Sorry. Ranma: Thanks anyway, (to himself) for nothin'. Soun: (to Ranma) Quiet! (now addressing the guard) We are tired and hungry, would you allow us to dine with you tonight? Guard: Why not? Come on in! A very relieved group enters the castle, Kasumi immediately asks to be lead to the kitchen and more than one guard was happy to show the new cook around. Ranma, Genma and P-chan all follow hoping to find a kettle of hot water. Soun, Akane, Kuno, Sasuke, Shampoo, Moose, Ukyo and Cologne all fall promptly to sleep. Nabiki starts to plan how to sell the Holy Grail for the highest dollar. About an hour before dinner can be served, a horn from outside the castle walls announces the arrival of... Arthur: Hellooooooo.... Guard: 'Allo...' 'Oo is it? Arthur: It is King Arthur, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Guard: This is the castle of..... Ranma: Yo, Pop! Did he say he was a king? Akane: If you'd just shut up and listen more, you wouldn't have to ask such a stupid question. Genma: Akane is right boy! Silence is the key to internal peace for a true student of the martial arts! Ranma: I'm not gonna listen to some un-cute tomboy like her. Akane: (now she is angry) Who are you calling a tomboy, you... you... pervert! Guard: (oblivious to the second conversation) Oh yes, it's ver' naaiice... (to the other guards in the castle) I told 'em we've already got one! (guards snicker) Ranma: Got one what? Akane: Shut up, Ranma! Ranma: No way I'm gonna listen to you, tomboy. Akane looses control and nails Ranma with a whole barrel of cold water. Ranma-chan now falls below a cow, which then falls on top of Ranma. Summoning all of her strength, Ranma-chan lifts the cow bodily from the ground and.. the unlucky cow comes flying over the ramparts and crushes one of Arthur's party. Arthur: Right! Chaaaargge! Party: Chaaaarrggge! The battle between the guards and Arthur's knights goes unnoticed by all inside the courtyard as Genma tries to calm Ranma-chan down, which, of course, doesn't work. Ranma: An opening! Genma flies though the air after Ranma-chan places one good kick onto his chin. He lands... that's right... in a cold puddle. Genma: Rroowwwwwr! (yup, he's a panda again) Soun: (breaking up the fight) didn't either of you two hear what those men were after? They want the Grail too! Ranma: Oh, no! Shampoo: That right Ranma! Looking for Grail is now race against king and soldiers. You want me tear king apart? Nabiki: Better not, Shampoo. If you kill that king, we may not live long enough to see the Grail. Soun: That's my dear Nabiki! Nabiki: Besides, when we're done with that cup, we can sell it to this king for a pretty penny. Akane: Should have seen that one coming, Dad. That night is filled with the sounds of heavy construction from King Arthur's party, acting on Sir Bedevere's plan. Then, in the early morning's first light, a giant rabbit is rolled up to the castle gates. Kuno: Ah! They know they have met their match! No doubt they fear my prowess. I shall accept their gift! Ryoga: Fool! Even I know this is a trojan horse. Ranma, lets see who our mystery guests are! Ranma-chan and Ryoga tear a new door into the side of the giant rabbit, only to find it unoccupied. Only a hammer, chainsaw, and a few swords and spears litter the rabbit's floor. Guard: If you would allow moi.... The guards load the giant empty rabbit onto a catapult and promptly send it over the wall. Party: Run away! Run away! Run away! A second servant is crushed by the giant rabbit, and the defeated knights turn off, lifting the eighteen hour siege of the castle. Back in the other clearing of the forrest, Mr. Macek returns to narrating the story.... Macek: Due to the ferocity of the French taunting, Arthur was defeated. He then decided to change tactics. Arthur sent his knights out individually to widen the search for the Holy Grail. Nabiki, never one to be outdone, suggests the same to her companions. And so, breaking into groups of three and four, Ranma and company set out to overtake the knights one at a time. Before they go, Ranma and Genma take what may be their last chance to use warm water. Rider: Oho!!! (Macek is cleft in twain) (and there was much rejoicing) Director: Wow! CNN, here I come! Urd: (someone has to narrate) So each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Robin rode north, through the forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favorite minstrels.... After bribing a three headed knight to help them, Ukyou, Shampoo, and Moose lie in wait to see what shall become of Sir Robin, the Not-So-Brave-As- Sir-Lancelet. Shampoo: Bravely, strong, dear Ranma came forth from Tokyo, He has never met defeat- Oh, strong, dear Ranma! He is not at all afraid to fight in martial artist ways, Strong, strong, strong, strong, dear Ranma... Ukyo: Ssshhhhhh! Someone's coming! Singer: His head smashed in and his heart cut out, And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged, And his nostrils raped and his bottom burnt off, And his peni -- Robin: (interrupting) Lads... Lads, that's enough music for now, Lads... Looks like there's dirty work afoot... In the background, Denis and the woman are still arguing about politics! Denis: ... Anarcho-cynicallism is a way of preserving freedom. Woman: Oh, Denis, forget about freedom, how about that mud? Moose: This aught to be good.... 3-Heads: HALT! Who are you? Minstrels:He is brave Sir Robin, Brave Sir Robin... Robin: Shut up! (to 3-Heads) Umm, nobody really, I'm just... just passing through... Shampoo: This man a knight? We no need three headed bully to take care of him! Moose: Don't forget the plan, Shampoo. I wouldn't want you to get hurt. Shampoo: Um.. Moose? Why you talking to small shrubbery? Ukyo: You better get your prescription checked, kiddo. Shampoo: Look, coward knight is running away! Ukyo: This is gonna be easier than I thought. Now, lets get ahead of him on that trail over there. Moose we need you to scout for us... Moose: Wait! No! QUACK!?! Head 1: (looking for Sir Robin) He's buggered off! Head 2: So he has... Head 3: Our little friends are gone too!! Now there's noone to have tea with... As the minstrels begin to taunt Robin, Shampoo and Ukyo find endless ways to scare him off the trail. This gives Moose enough time to scout ahead in search of any signs of the Holy Grail. We now turn our attention to Ranma-kun, Ryoga and Akane, who have tracked Sir Galahad. Luckily, they make it to a castle with a grail shaped beacon and a strange hole half-way up the northern- most tower. An ominous storm is on the horizon. Ryoga: Look! The Grail is HERE! Akane: That hole in the wall gives me the creeps. Ranma: (knocking on the door) Hello? Is anybody in there? The door opens, and a maiden in white greets the unusual trio as they enter. Zoot: Welcome miss, welcome gentle sirs. This is Castle Anthrax! And I am Zoot. Akane: The Castle A.. Anthrax? Zoot: Oh, I know. It's not a very good name is it? But we are nice here, and will take care of your every, every need. Ryoga: Do you possess the Holy Grail? Zoot: The Holy... um... Oh, but you are tired and hungry. Relax and forget the troubles of traveling these lands. Nurses: Yes, Zoot? Zoot: Prepare three more guest beds. Ranma: Three more? Have you already received guests today? Zoot: Yes... A wrinkled old man fell from the sky and is unconscious now. He has been attended for hours. Ryoga: D.. Di... Did you say a wrinkled old man? Zoot: Yes. Ranma: About so high? (he holds his hand very low) Zoot: Why, yes! Do you know this man? Ranma: We know him all to well. No woman is safe with that lech around. You must quickly hide every young lady within a mile of his room! Zoot: I'm afraid that cannot be done. You see... we in Castle Anthrax are but eightscore young blondes and brunettes, all between the ages of sixteen and nineteen and one half... cut off in this castle with no- one to protect us. Ranma: You must be joking!?! Zoot: Nooooo... No men here, and if I am not mistaken, the old patient will revive very, very soon. Akane: We have to get that old lech out of this castle before he realizes just where he is! Ranma, Ryoga, we have to work together to beat him! All: Right! Nurses: EEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!!!!! Ranma, Akane, Ryoga and Zoot all turn to see over a dozen young ladies running down the staircase faster than was thought humanly possible. Akane quickly informs Ranma and Ryoga of a plan, and they set off to converge on the guest room. Happosai: What a haul! What a haul! I'm in heaven! Don't be afraid of little old Happy, my young, tender darlings! Akane appears in his doorway with an unusually bright smile on her face. Akane: Oh, Happosai... THERE you are! I've been searching everywhere for you! Happosai: MY DEAR AKANE!!!!!!!!!! Oh, to think that a humble old man such as myself could receive kind words from the most delicate of flowers! As Happosai turns to embrace his dear Akane, Ranma and Ryoga attack from the window. The speed of their attack is surpassed only by the speed Happosai uses to block the two young men. Akane: An opening! WHAP! Happosai is stunned enough for the three of them to bind, gag, chain and mummify the old lech. He is swiftly stored in Ryoga's backpack, again, just in case. As the danger passes, the other inhabitants of Castle Anthrax begin to fill the room. Ranma: Was this bruise on my chin part of your stupid plan? Akane: Really? Well... I thought you may not have been in top form... Inge: Oh, thank you! Thank you! You have saved us. If you desire ANYTHING as reward, I assure you it shall be yours! Akane: Well, we were looking for the Holy Grail when we came in. Inge: Oh, no! Bad Zoot! Ranma: Aren't you Zoot? Inge: I am Inge, Zoot's identical twin sister. And she has been very naughty indeed. She has set light to our beacon, which I am sure is grail shaped. You young, STRONG men must tie her to a bed and spank her. Ladies: A spanking! Yes! Inge: And after the spanking you may do with her as you wish.. and then... spank ME! Ladies: And me! And me! Akane: WHAT!?! Inge: And after the spankings, the oral sex! Akane: BAKA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! With that, she sends Ranma and Ryoga flying through the window they came in from. As she goes down the stairs to the front door, anonymous insults are hurled in her direction, many of which she has heard all too often from that pervert fiance. Inge: Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! As Akane steps outside, a light rain covers her now dirty class uniform. Ranma-chan and P-chan greet her some twenty yards into the rain soaked forest. Akane: Where did Ryoga run off t- P-chan! Ranma: The fool got lost again, what do I care. With that, Ranma earns a hard bite in the rear by one perturbed piggy. Ranma-chan and P-chan continue fighting even as Sir Galahad nears the front gates of Castle Anthrax. Akane: He's going in there!?! We will have no more trouble from him for weeks! Well... there's one thing that can't go wrong for us. Urd: And so, as Ranma-chan, P-chan, and Akane move further down the forest path, Sir Galahad faces near-certain temptation. Sir Lancelot saves him from Castle Anthrax's temptresses only to later be accused of homosexual tendencies. Meanwhile, not a swallows flight away, King Arthur and Sir Bedevere approach a carefully laid trap which has nothing to do with swallows... at all... really. The audience, blinded by lust and only remembering they were supposed to sack someone, jumps Urd. ZAP! The entire audience gets turned into a huge flock of swallows. And as the goddess admires her handiwork.... Arthur: ...and this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the Grail? Old Man: Bwwwwahahahahahahahahaha! Arthur: Where does he live? Old man, where does he live? Genma: (quietly) How is she doing? Kasumi: It seems that Shampoo's great-grandmother is having no problems, Mr. Saotome. Soun: I see... age DOES bring wisdom. Arthur: But the Grail... Where is the Grail? Cologne: Seek ye the bridge of death... Arthur: The bridge of death which leads to the Grail? Genma sneaks in behind Arthur and Bedevere, knocking them unconscious with a special move shown to him by Cologne. The two sleeping men are then taken to a nearby forest and left there. Soun: Good thing we got Tim to draw us a map. I feel great Genma, we haven't done something like this since we were Ranma's age. Genma: Your right, Soun old boy! Sending that king the long way will give us plenty of time to prepare our defenses. Soun: Kasumi dear, you must go with Cologne and make sure the Grail is safe. Your daddy and Mr. Saotome will be trying to get this Arthur arrested for what Tim says his knights did to the last narrator. Arthur and Bedevere wake up thinking no time has past. Soon they meet the inhabitants of this old forest, a group of very tall chaps, who, like the Frenchmen before them, absolutely loved Kasumi's cooking. For a meal, they agreed to give Arthur a hard time..... Knights: Ni! Ni! Ni! Arthur: Please! Please! We will find you a shrubbery! Knight 1: You must return here with a shrubbery, or else you will never pass through this wood... Alive! Arthur: Oh Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery... Knight: One that looks nice... Arthur: Of course... Knight: And not too expensive... Arthur: Yes! Knight: Now... (dramatic pause) Go! Arthur and Bedevere move off amidst theme music. There is a bit of SD characterization, for variety, which brings us to... Nabiki: Wedding photos! Wedding photos! Don't miss your chance to have your picture taken with the bride or groom! Kuno: Come, Sasuke! We must find a gift for the happy couple as befitting my high station! Sasuke: Yes, Master Kuno! (to himself) I hope he doesn't have another life- size statue of himself for me to carry in. Drums roll as Sir Lancelot runs towards Swamp Castle's gate... Drums roll as Sir Lancelot runs towards Swamp Castle's gate... Drums roll as Sir Lancel- funny, hasn't this happened before? Lancelot: HAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! One of the castle guards is slain at the front gate. Guard 2: Hey! Lancelot begins to mercilessly hack and slash through the wedding crowd. Startled, Nabiki hides behind Kuno. Kuno: Fear not, Nabiki! The sister of my beloved shall not fall to this wastrel. I shall deal with him quickly! No doubt, he shall learn to fear my prowess with the sword. Kuno: (getting behind Lancelot) Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Though Kuno's blows are strong, the armor Sir Lancelot wears protects him from Kuno's attacks. In fact, the force of those attacks serve to propel Lancelot up the stairs, where he can kill even more people. Nabiki: Over here Kuno, baby. OK! First aid kits! Get them while they're hot, and I don't mean the kits! All forms of credit accepted. (a minute latter) Oh, Kuno. I think we should leave now that the opportunity presents itself. Kuno: The great Tatewaki Kuno never runs from a fight! Sasuke: B.. But Master Kuno, the fight appears to be over. Kuno: Very well then... Guest: (in rage) There he is! Egbert: Oh, bloody hell... Lancelot: (reappearing at the top of the staircase) AHAAAAAAAAA! As Lancelot hacks his way, once again, through the crowd, Kuno begins his charge from the other direction. Egbert takes control of the situation seconds before Lancelot and Kuno meet, and the contest is narrowly avoided. Lancelot: Oh, sorry... see what I mean, I just get carried away... Sorry... Sorry... Sorry everyone. As the father of the groom warms the crowd to his new guest of honor, Nabiki, Kuno and Sasuke make their exit. Oddly enough, they pass the groom at the front door. Guest 2: Look! The dead prince! Others: Ooooh! Aaaaahh! Guest 1: He's not quite dead... Herbert: No, I feel much better... As Nabiki, Kuno and Sasuke move through the town outside of Swamp Castle, they pass Arthur and Bedevere talking to some peasant on a cart loaded with shrubberies. Some time latter, Ukyo, Shampoo and Moose join Genma and Soun as they watch Arthur's final confrontation with the Knights who until recently said Ni. It is about that time that Kasumi and Cologne reach their destination... Kasumi: Hellooooo... Guard: 'Allo? Oh! Our cook 'as returned to us! There was much rejoicing as the two women enter the castle. Over dinner, Cologne informs Guy de Lombarde of their plans, and to expect the English pig- dogs once more. Kasumi is given the Grail as a drinking cup in appreciation by Guy de Lombarde himself. Urd: (Accompanying her narration ine day... There is a rumble emanating from Ryoga's backpack... Happosai: Ho! Ho! You didn't think you could keep me in there for ever, did you? The nerve of you, imprisoning a poor old man such as myself when I was so close to so many young... tender... RANMA! I should kill you for that! Ranma: (leaping back) Come on, Akane! Tell him the truth! Happosai: AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!! Ryoga falls unconscious as Happosai attacks from behind. No doubt, Ranma is in terrible peril. Akane: He's telling the truth, Happosai! It was all my idea! Ranma: Akane! (he's not the only one surprised) Soun: That's the way, Akane! Stand up for the man you love! Akane: What? I only said it because it is the truth! Happosai: Oh, my darling Akane! Why have they turned you against me so? But you, Ranma! I cannot forgive you! Ranma: What do you want from me, you old lech! Happosai: (a bucket of cold water handy) If you would only allow me to see you in this bra... (he produces a pink, lacy bra) ... I may be able to forgive you. Ranma: Never! Happosai: Very well then! Attack! Within minutes, Ranma is cold, wet and female. Happosai then uses his battle aura to freeze Ranma-chan and proceeds to put the bra on Ranma's chest himself. Meanwhile, no more than a swallow's flight away... Tim: ...for death awaits you all with nasty big pointy teeth! Arthur: What an eccentric performance... Back where Ranma-chan lies stunned, Akane trying to pry Happosai from Ranma's chest... Nabiki: How long did you say it would take the police to get here, Daddy? Soun: Maybe an hour, maybe more... We are pretty far from the nearest police station. Don't worry, the nasty beast Tim said guards the cave is sure to hold off Arthur a little longer. Everyone heres an explosion from the cave's general direction. Soun: Ooops. Ranma: (waking up and sending Happosai once more into orbit) I have a plan! Kuno! I need both of your flashlights and a bullhorn! Akane: WHAT!?! Kuno: All that I possess, I give to you, my pig-tailed goddess! Ranma: Whatever... Akane! Come with me! Everyone else... to the castle the short way! All: Haikiba!!! Ranma and Akane enter the Cave of Caer Banoch, wherein, they discover Arthur and his knights reading some mystic runes upon the very living rock... Bedevere: Do you suppose he meant the Camalllllllll? Maynard: Where's that? Bedevere: France, I think... Ranma: (whispering to Akane) On my signal, take the bull horn and... Party: (testing word pronunciations) IIIiiives... Bedevere: OOOOooooOOOO! Ranma: (still whispering, holding both flashlights, both on, towards the party of knights) Almost... Lancelot: Oh, you mean sort of an AAAH! Bedevere: Yes, that's right. AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!! Arthur: (Finally sees the bright points of light, which, by Ranma-chan's ultimate technique, appear as hundreds of eyes) Maynard: It's the Legendary Black Beast of AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!! Ranma: Now! Akane: (through bullhorn) AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGG!!! Party: Run away! Run Away! Run Away! Cut to SD/Pythonimation of Arthur's men running away from Ranma-chan and Akane. Urd: As the imagined Legendary Black Beast of AARRGGHH chases Arthur and his knights, the ploy seemed to be working. Until... Akane: Ranma! Watch out! Urd: Ranma-chan collided with a wall. Hard. As a result, the flashlights broke and the threat of the Black Beast was no more. From Arthur's knights came much rejoicing. As Arthur passed through the cave, Akane set to work reviving Ranma-chan. Though the fog, a dazed Ranma-chan could see Akane... and one other... The REAL Legendary Black Beast had come! Beast: AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Both: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!! Urd: As the Black Beast yet again chased it's supper through the Cave of Caer Banoch, all hope of escape seemed to disappear. Kuno's sword was one thing, but a twenty foot tall, flesh eating monster from hell was something else entirely... Ranma: (trapped, no hope of living) Akane... I... I... Akane: (clinging to Ranma-chan's side) I know. (tears in her eyes) Me too. Urd: Suddenly, the animator in charge of the Black Beast has a heart attack and dies. Since there is no time or money left to get a new monster animator, the cartoon peril is no more. There is no rejoicing this time, only a kiss. (to herself) What, not even going to wait until Ranma's male? Oh, well... five to one says Ranma won't have the nerve to do that again for at least another year. (back to her job) The Race for the Holy Grail can now continue. Arthur and his knights have made it to the Gorge of Eternal Peril, which Happosai, needing some excitement, is closely guarding. Even now, Ryoga is making his way back up the cliffside after failing Happosai's little test... Ryoga: Damn you, old man..... Lancelot steps out onto the bridge... Happosai: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, 'ere the other side he see. Lancelot: Ask me the questions bridgekeeper, I'm not afraid! Happosai: WHAT... is your name? Lancelot: My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot! Happosai: WHAT.. is your quest? Lancelot: I seek the Holy Grail! Happosai: WHAT... is your favorite color? Lancelot: Blue! Happosai: (stumped) Fine... Off ya go... Lancelot: Oh, thank you... Thank you very much... Sir Lancelot crosses the bridge. After him, Sir Robin and Sir Galahad both try to cross and fail. As each answers a question wrongly, Happosai tosses them over the side so fast that Arthur cannot even see Happosai's arms move. As Arthur approaches Happosai from the path, Ryoga approaches him from below... Happosai: WHAT... is your name? Arthur: It is Arthur, king of the Britons. Ryoga: (to himself) Three... Happosai: WHAT... is you quest? Arthur: To seek the Holy Grail. Ryoga: Two... Happosai: WHAT... is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow? Arthur: What do you mean, African or European swallow? Ryoga: One... Happosai: Huh? I don't know that- At that moment, Ryoga summons all of his strength, and with the advantage of surprise, throws Happosai down into the Gorge of Eternal Peril. Happosai: AAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaa............ Bedevere: How do you know so much about swallows? Arthur: Well, you have to know these things when your a king, you know... They cross the bridge in safety, followed closely by Ryoga. Arthur: Lancelot! Lancelot! Lancelot! Bedevere: Lancelot! Lancelot! Arthur: Lancelot! Not more than a swallows flight away, Lancelot has been stopped by police officers, who are now searching him for weapons. Bedevere: Lancelot! Lancelot! Arthur: Lancelot! Arthur and Bedevere hear trumpets and turn to see a vision of the Grail. They move off in that direction until they see a lake covered in mists and a boat waiting to ferry them across. On the boat, they cut through the mists and behold a castle... Arthur: The Castle Argh! Our quest is at an end! (standing in awe) God be praised! (kneels down to pray) Almighty God, we thank thee that thow hast... Sproing! A sheep comes flying over the wall... Arthur: Jesus Christ! Guard: 'Allo, daffy English k-nnnnnighuts and monsieur Arthur-king who has the brain of a duck, you know... SO! We French fellows outclever you a second time! Ukyo: You gotta like his style. Shampoo: (snicker, snicker) Soun: Old friend, can't you see the police yet? Genma: (at the top of the walls) No, Tendo. Not, yet. Everyone decides to climb to the top, not wanting to miss the arrest. What they see is less than encouraging. Arthur is on the far bank, in command of at least twenty-thousand English soldiers. Arthur: We shall attack at once! Bedevere: Yes, my liege! Arthur: Stand by for attack! With a direct order, that is just what the army does. Arthur: FRENCH PERSONS! Today the blood of many a valiant knight shall be avenged. We shall not stop our fight 'till each one of you lies dead, and the Holy Grail returns to those whom God has chosen! IN THE NAME OF GOD, CHAAAARRRRGGGGGEEEE!!!! As the army begins to move forward, the Police finally do arrive to the cheers of everyone inside the castle. Soun: Victory! We've done it! The Grail is ours! Genma: The Grail! Everyone looks towards Kasumi, who is positively radiant (you would be too if you drank from the Holy Grail three times a day for over a year) as she holds the Grail before her. Ranma: The Grail! Ranma-chan leaps over to where Kasumi is standing. She holds out the Grail to let Ranma drink from it and end this curse forever. Ranma-chan can almost feel the change coming as his undersized hands reach out for the cup resting in Kasumi's palms. He can see it now, Akane will respect him for once and Kuno will never see the pig-tailed girl again! His heart nearly explodes. Then... it happens. Two European swallows, holding a strand of creeper vine between their dorsal feathers, swoop past. Where the Grail once was now lies a coconut, which the birds had been carrying ever since they left the tropics. Up in the sky, behind the clouds, Kasumi could swear she heard laughter. Well, there you have it. Did you really think I was going to let Ranma get the Grail? No, I didn't think so. I tell you, next time I am going to think of more ways to put myself in the script. Oh, yeah... if you want to Email me, praise or flame, go ahead at .