email to: U59090@uicvm.uic.edu Well, this is my first fanfic. I'd like to thank megazone@wpi.wpi for taking a look at this, and also my sister for her "destructive criticism." Sharp-eyed people might just find a Street Fighter II inside joke. Enjoy! RANMA 1/2: (MIS)ADVENTURES OF A FOREIGN EXCHANGE STUDENT [Exterior shot of Furinkan High School. Ranma and Akane are walking to their first class, unusually quiet for the day. A taxicab pulls up beside them as Ranma nearly collides with its passenger.] Ranma: [Backing away from the passenger] Hey, watch it! Passenger: Sorry about that! [turns to the taxidriver] Here's your fare, and is 1000 yen okay for a tip? Taxidriver: Okay? That's a pretty good tip! Thanks, kid! [The passenger, a young Chinese man, reaches into the cab to get his packages: a backpack that would rival Ryoga's and a large suitcase. The kid is your average Chinese teenager, about 16, and is the type that one wouldn't think twice about except for his strangely Occidental and intense eyes. He closes the door and the taxi drives off.] Passenger: Excuse me, but is this Furinkan High School? Ranma: [looking at Akane, then turning to the kid] Yes. Passenger: Great! Now can you tell me where to find an [digs a paper out of his pockets] Akane Tendo? Akane: That's me. Who are you? Passenger: The name's Pat Lee. I'm a foreign exchange student, at least for the next two weeks. [Looks confused when Akane stares at him blankly] You mean you didn't know? I wrote you a letter not two days ago. Akane: No, I don't remember anything about a foreign exchange program. Pat: Well, I know that I was supposed to meet either you or your sister, Nabiki, here. [Just then, Nabiki walks towards Ranma, Akane and Pat] Nabiki: Hey, what's going on around here? Ranma: You tell us. This guy says he's an exchange student. Nabiki: [Looking unfazed] My, did I forget to tell you about that? Well, now you know, bye! Ranma: [stepping in front of Nabiki] All right, how much is this guy worth to you? Pat: Hey! I'm not some kind of door prize, you know! Ranma: Sorry, but if Nabiki brought you here all the way from...by the way, where are you from? Pat: The United States, or to be more precise, Illinois. Ranma: Okay, as I was saying, if Nabiki went through all the trouble to bring you here from the U.S., there's got to be something that's worth her while. Pat: Well, the payment of room and board is 30,000 yen per week. Ranma: [glaring at Nabiki] Is that all you wanted from this guy, money!!? Nabiki: Well, I'll take my money where I can find it. [Just then, the early bell rings, bringing a timely reprieve for all involved. This doesn't last long, though, as Kuno makes his appearance, complete with a bouquet of roses and his bokken.] Kuno: Ah, Akane, these roses pale in the presence of beauty such as... [notices Pat] eh? Who is this gaijin that dares to stand between me and you? Pat: Huh? [looking around] Did I do something wrong? [thinking] And what the heck does gaijin mean anyways? [takes out an electronic phonetic Japanese translator and keys it in. Pat reads to himself the rough meaning] "A derogative term for outsider or foreigner." [looking at Kuno] Uh, listen, I may be a foreigner, but that's no reason for you to put me down. And if I'm in the way of your friend, [moves out of between them] I'm sorry. Kuno: A mere apology will not save you. You have offended me and my honor! Pr [Ranma prepares to intervene on Pat's behalf but Pat waves him off.] Pat: It's my fight. Ranma: Are you sure? Pat: [smiles] Eh, I'll be okay. [Takes off his backpack and lowers his suitcase] [Kuno takes several swings at Pat. Ranma, Akane and Nabiki look on as Pat evades each and every stroke. After about a minute, Kuno prepares for a swing down the middle of Pat's head. The bokken goes down and Pat grabs it with one hand without any difficulty. A crunching sound is heard as Pat grinds the part of the sword that he's holding into sawdust. Letting go of the sword, Pat kicks with his right leg. Kuno dodges but isn't prepared for the same leg snapping back, hitting him on the face. Pat finishes up with a roundhouse kick and does a short hop, apparently to do a drop kick.] Pat: SPINNING HURRICANE KICK! [The hurricane kick hits Kuno three times in the face, knocking him down to the ground. Landing, Pat lifts Kuno's head with one hand while the heel of his other is cocked, apparently for a killing stroke.] Pat: Okay, mister, prepare for the ultimate blow! HHHHAAAAIIII...[Pat's hand stops short a centimeter from Kuno's nose. Pat then performs a noogie on Kuno's head, complete with appropriate squeaking sound effects. Shocked, Kuno falls face first on the ground. Pat gathers his belongings as if nothing ever happened and walks towards the school.] Akane: [looking at Kuno, then Pat] You weren't actually going to kill him, were you? Pat: [looking at Akane] Nah, I wouldn't kill anybody. The look on his face was priceless! [laughing] Besides, my brother always told me that humiliation is worse than death for the other guy any day. [looking at the school clock] Uh-oh, we'd better get to class! Um, do you know where class- room 1-A is supposed to be? Ranma: Just follow us. [runs to class] Pat: [to himself] I just hope that every day isn't like this. [In class 1-A, rumors are abounding about the new kid that defeated Kuno. The teacher silences the class with a sharp look.] Sensei: Class, we have an exchange student from the United States who will be studying here for the next two weeks. I want you to treat him as if he were a regular student. [Glances at Pat] Mr. Lee, it may be appropriate for you to dress in blue jeans, a plaid shirt and a jogging jacket in the States, but around here, I expect some more civilized clothes. Is that understood? Pat: Yes, sensei. [After a lengthy and boring lecture about the history of World War II, the lunch bell finally rings, relieving the students. They stampede out of the class. Pat tentatively follows Ranma and Akane to the lunchroom.] Pat: [sitting down next to them] You know, in all the confusion, I never did get your name [looks at Ranma]. Ranma: It's Ranma. Ranma Saotome. [extends his hand] Pat: [shakes Ranma's hand] How do you do? Who was that guy that I beat, anyway? Akane: His name's Tatewaki Kuno, but everybody here either calls him upperclassman or Kuno. Pat: [grinning] With a given name like Tatewaki, it's no wonder he goes by his family name. Not many people can pronounce it. [starts digging into his backpack for his lunch] Let me see here, books, clothes, laptop computer, walkman, tapes...AHA! There's my lunch, all the way down there! [pulls out a small lunch bag, amazingly intact considering what was on top of it] Ranma: [amazed at the contents of Pat's backpack] How the heck can you fit all that in your backpack? And why do you need a laptop computer in that thing? Pat: Number one, I manage. Number two, it's for sending letters to my family. Hardly anybody goes by conventional mail anymore. By the way, does every day start off like this? Ranma: No, you kind of caught us on a slow day. Pat: That was slow!!!??? Akane: You kind of get used to it after a while. Pat: [muttering] That's what they said about smog in Chicago. [to Ranma and Akane] By the way, where am I going to stay, since you weren't really expecting me to drop by? Akane: Well, you could stay in Ranma's room. [Ranma glares at her] Or, we could make some arrangements when we get home. Pat: Cool. Now, on to lunch! [he swiftly devours his lunch, with nary a hair out of place] Ranma: Y'know, you kind of remind me of my dad. Pat: How so? Ranma: You both like to eat a lot. Pat: [raises an eyebrow] Well, it's nice to know that you hold your father in such high esteem. Akane: You don't know Uncle Saotome very well. [Kuno appears, somewhat bruised from the morning encounter with Pat. He's holding another bokken and a small slip of paper. He saunters over to Ranma and Akane's table and slaps the paper down in front of Pat.] Kuno: Do not think that you have defeated me simply because I have been humiliated. I challenge you to a duel tomorrow. One other thing, prepare to make peace with whatever gaijin deity you worship. [leaves the lunchroom] Pat: [looking at the paper] Great, it hasn't even been a day that I'm here and someone's tried to kill me! What do I do now? I didn't come to Japan just to be skewered by some self-righteous sword-swinging maniac! [looks at Ranma] What would you do in my place? Ranma: Well, I'd just knock him down again, but nothing gets through to that head of his, if you know what I mean. [interior scene of the Tendo household. Pat is being introduced to the various members of the family.] Akane: This is Kasumi, my father, and Mr. Saotome [who is amazingly a person, not a panda]. Pat: [bows formally to all of them] I'm sorry that you were caught...unaware of my arrival. Kasumi: [smiling] Well, I hope that you enjoy your stay. If you'll excuse me, I have to prepare dinner. [leaves the parlor] Soun: I think that you'll find that things are pretty peaceful around here. Ranma: Once you get used to Akane's temper tantrums. [SLAP!] Akane: BAKA! Soun: Now, now, there's no need for language like that. Remember, Pat is a guest in our humble home. Pat: By the way, do you mind if I settle into my room for a bit? I've got some things that I have to unpack. Ranma: [picking up Pat's suitcase] Follow me. [Ranma and Pat arrive at the guest room (i.e., Ranma and Genma's room. Pat takes off his backpack as Ranma puts down the former's suitcase and leaves.] [Pat unpacks his laptop computer and connects it to the power supply in the room. He powers it up and begins to type.] Pat: (voice-over) Well, I finally made it relatively intact to Japan, bro. So far things have been pretty uneventful, if you call someone trying to kill me uneventful. This guy, Kuno, seems to have this crush on one of the daughters of my "foster family." I don't think that she's returning the favor. The guy challenged me to a duel tomorrow because I humiliated him when he probably expected a death blow. I know that the first and only rule in street fighting is to get your opponent down and make sure that he never gets back up, but I just can't kill anybody. Also, you know those letters from Akane, my "foster sister?" They were written by her sister, Nabiki. She set this whole foreign-exchange thing up just to get some money for room and board. You were right, the person that wrote those letters seems really scheming. Akane, however, I just don't know what to make of. She seems almost like a tomboy, and she has this love/hate relationship with Ranma (she loves to hate him and hates to love him). I guess you'd call it tolerance. As to this Ranma guy, he can be a real jerk to Akane sometimes, but nothing really malicious. Other times, however, he's actually pretty nice to her. Well, that's about it from Japan today. I'll write to you a little later. Pat. [At the same time that Pat's writing his letter, Ranma and Akane are sitting outside near the fish pond.] Ranma: So, what do you think about this guy? Akane: I really don't know what to make of him. He seems to be a nice person. Then again, he might be a real jerk. I'll...we'll just have to wait and see. Ranma: Does that mean you like him or something? Akane: [standing up] WHAT?! Ranma: [backing away] I mean as a friend. Akane: You mean as a boyfriend! [pushes Ranma into the fish pool] Ranma-chan: Waugh! What was that for? Akane: For calling that guy my boyfriend! [storms off] Ranma-chan: [to herself] What a hot-tempered uncute tomboy. [walks into the house to take a quick hot shower. She passes by her room, with Pat still typing away. Unfortunately, Pat looks up from his laptop and sees Ranma-chan walking by. He gets up to intercept her.] Pat: [tapping Ranma-chan on the shoulder] Hey, I don't think I know you. What's your name, anyways? Ranma-chan: [turning around] Come on Pat, it's me, Ran-[pauses, then realizes that Pat doesn't know anything about her curse]-ko. I'm Akane's cousin. Pat: [looking somewhat unconvinced] Um...yeah, right. Then how come you're wearing Ranma's clothes and you're sopping wet? Ranma-chan: [squirming] Uh...Akane kind of pushed me into the fish pond outside, and Ranma lets me borrow his clothes. Pat: [thoroughly unconvinced] I don't think so. Nabiki's letters never mentioned you as either part of the family or staying here. What the heck is going on here? I want the truth. Ranma-chan: All right, but I need to take care of something in the bathroom. Pat: Okay. I'll be waiting outside. [pats Ranma-chan's shouler] [Rnama-chan goes into the bathroom and douses herself with hot water from the shower. Ranma then exits to find a somewhat confused Pat waiting.] Pat: Hey, where did that girl go? Ranma: What girl? Pat: The girl that just went in there not five minutes ago. Ranma: Nope, no-one in there except me. [turns and starts to walk away. We (and Pat) notice a small yellow smiley face sticker on his shoulder. Pat catches up with Ranma.] Pat: Hold it for one minute! [grabs Ranma by the shoulder] You see this smiley face on your shoulder? I stuck that on the shoulder of the supposedly nonexistent girl! Now, either you switched clothes with the girl, which is highly unlikely, or there's something going on here that I don't know about. Now, Ranko or Ranma or whatever your name is, I want some answers! [Ranma sighs, then begins to explain his situation] Pat: ...so let me get this straight, because you fell into a magical cursed pool at Jusenkyo, you turn into a girl whenever you get doused with cold water, but when you get splashed with hot water, you turn back into a boy. If that's not enough, your father becomes a panda, a girlfriend of yours turns into a cat, and someone you know turns into a pig. Is that about right? Ranma: I know it sounds crazy, but I have to live with this for the rest of my life, or at least until someone finds the man-drown pool so I can turn back to normal. I can't tell you who turns into a pig, though. It's a matter of honor. Pat: Well, the way Nabiki painted life here in her letters, you'd think it was pretty boring here. That's another thing she lied about, other than her name. [Ranma and Pat shuffle along to the parlor. Kasumi has just finished cooking dinner and is about to call everyone to the table.] Kasumi: Oh, Ranma, Pat, could you tell everyone that dinner's ready? Ranma & Pat: Sure. [Soon, everyone is at the table, devouring the food. Everyone, that is, except Pat.] Pat: Okay, Nabiki, why didn't you tell me what was *really* going on around here? Nabiki: What was I going to say, that we live with some gullible jerk that turns into a girl, and his panda father? Pat: Well, at least you could have been honest about your name! Nabiki:.... Akane: [to herself] They couldn't be talking about...no, Ranma wouldn't be *that* stupid. [Later, Pat's talking with Akane and Ranma in Akane's room (a rare occurrence indeed)] Pat: So, what am I supposed to do about the duel tomorrow? I know I just can't chicken out, he'd never leave me alone then. Akane: I have to warn you, he's very dangerous. Ranma: Except when he's fighting Akane, then he holds back a little. [WHAP!!!] Pat: I am not going to be using my "foster sister" as a shield, for crying out loud! Ranma: I wouldn't really worry about him. Akane: You should. Remember when you had to go to Tofu-sensei after fighting him? Ranma: [matter-of-factly] I remember that I had to go after a certain hot- tempered fiancee' twisted my arm backwards, among other things. Akane: It was your fault! [Ranma and Akane start up their usual argument over various subjects, everything from A to Z. Pat puts up with it for two minutes, then holds up his hand in a (futile) attempt to quiet the two.] Pat: Guys...er, people, there's still the matter of my duel with Kuno. [They still keep arguing. Pat finally loses what little frayed patience he has left.] Pat: All right, CUT IT OUT!!! Now, what's the matter with you two? I could be killed tomorrow morning and you two would still keep on arguing on whose fault it was! AAARRRGGGHHH!!! I GIVE UP! [storms off] Ranma & Akane: ... Akane: Ranma, I guess you'd better talk to him. Ranma: Okay. [Ranma wanders around the house, looking for Pat. He checks his room, the kitchen, and then goes outside. He hears some shouts from the dojo, along with sounds of mass destruction. Ranma enters to find Pat practicing street fighting. The latter just punched through a series of bricks. Pat then proceeds to demolish other assorted objects. Just before he destroys another stack of bricks, Pat notices Ranma standing outside the dojo.] Pat:....Listen, I'm sorry I blew up like that at you guys. I know you were only trying to help. Ranma: Well, I'm sorry that you saw us fight. You didn't come here for that. Pat: Yeah, well. By the way, any suggestions on what to do with Kuno? Ranma: [smirking] Yeah. Try this on him for starters.... [The next day, Ranma, Akane and Pat are walking to school.] Pat: So, do you think that suggestion of yours will actually work? Ranma: Trust me, it'll work. Kuno is nothing if not predictable. Pat: Yeah, I noticed. I could see some of his swings coming a mile away. But, that doesn't take away the possibility of me being skewered. Akane: Exactly what kind of suggestions did Ranma give you Kuno, Pat? Pat: Well, Ranma has to plead on my behalf, as a girl. Akane: [glaring at Ranma] You told him? Ramna: [squirming] He kind of cornered me. Akane: Great, why don't you tell the whole world about yourself? Ranma: I told you, I didn't have much of a choice. He cornered me. Akane: That's no excuse! You could have at least... Pat: [exaggerating] AY-HEM!!! Now, I hope you have a strong stomach for this. [They arrive near the gates of Furinkan High. Ranma and Pat go behind the bushes as a SPLASH is heard] Ranma-chan: GAAAAHHHH! NOT SO COLD! Pat: [whispering] Sorry, but I didn't know how cold the water had to be, so I packed ice water into my backpack. [looks at Ranma-chan] You know, you look pretty cute as a girl. [smirks] Ranma-chan: All right, cut it out! I just hope that I don't feel sick afterwards. [they both go through the gates as Kuno arrives, right on schedule.] Kuno: So, gaijin, you have actually arrived. I expected you to be cowering under your bed. [spots Ranma-chan] Oh! My pig-tailed goddess! [starts crying] I have counted the moments when we might meet again! Ranma-chan: Sempai, I humbly ask for you to spare this young man. [Kuno looks reluctant to say the least] Kuno: But, he has dishonored and humiliated me! Ranma-chan: [looks at him with huge puppy dog eyes] Please? Kuno: Very well. I give you your life. Pat: Oh, by the way, I do have a name other than gaijin. My name's Pat. Kuno: Don't push your luck. [Pat and Ranma-chan go into an empty hallway. The former takes out a thermos from his backpack and pours the contents over Ranma-chan, turning her back into the male Ranma. Kuno is approaching them.] Kuno: By the way, do either of you know where the pig-tailed girl went? Pat: [points to another hallway] She went thataway. [to himself] I've always wanted to say that. [Kuno leaves, in hot pursuit] Ranma: Yech! I'm gonna have nightmares for a week about that guy! Pat: Well, at least he's off my back. Thanks, Ranma. Ranma: Don't mention it. [cut to the end of the day. Pat enters the kitchen of the Tendo Dojo to find Kasumi cooking.] Pat: Ah, Kasumi? Is it okay if I talk to you about something? Kasumi: [lowering the heat on the stove] Sure, what's on your mind? Pat: I dunno. I guess it's all this craziness going on, especially Ranma and Akane. Kasumi: Why, is there something wrong with them? Pat: It's not that. [sighs] I guess I don't really understand those two. One moment they seem fine, the next, they're at each other's throats! It's driving me nuts! I know they're engaged, but they sure as heck don't act like it. Kasumi: [thinking for a bit] Well, your confusion is perfectly understandable. I think it's because they're still trying to work out their relationship. When they first met, they didn't like each other at all. Now, I think that enjoy each other's company. Maybe they really do love each other , deep down inside. [smiles] They'll never admit it, though. Of course, things have been complicated by Ranma's friends like Shampoo, Ukyo, and Ryoga. Trust me, everything will work out fine. Oh, by the way, this conversation never happened. I do have a reputation, you know. Pat: [starting to leave] Thanks...[smiles] oneechan. [Kasumi smiles back and resumes her cooking] Pat: Oh, by the way, I'll be back in time for dinner, about a half-hour from now. I'm going to check out the town. Kasumi: You're not going with Ranma or Akane? Pat: No, they're working on their homework. See you in half an hour! [leaves] [Pat is checking out the sights in town when he encounters a familiar (to us) backpacked figure] Ryoga: Excuse me, do you know the way to the Tendo dojo? Pat: Sure, you just go that way, then turn left on the 2nd street you encounter. Ryoga: Thank you. [goes the wrong way] Pat: [grabbing Ryoga's arm] Ah, I think you'd better follow me there. Good thing I've got 10 minutes till Kasumi finishes dinner. Ryoga: You're staying at the Tendo dojo? Pat: Yup, at least for the next 13 days. I'm a foreign exchange student. Ryoga: I see. You wouldn't happen, by chance, to know Ranma Saotome would you? Pat: Sure, he saved my hide today. Ryoga: He also ruined my life. Pat: Really? How so? Ryoga: [about to speak, then thinks better of it] Never mind. [the two arrive at the dojo, with five minutes to spare.] Pat: I may be overstepping my bounds a bit, but, would you like to stay for dinner? Ryoga: No, thank you. I have to have a little...talk with Ranma. Pat: Well, at least take off that backpack of yours. There's no sense in lugging that thing around. Ryoga: [takes off his pack and removes his umbrella] I always keep this for sentimental reasons. Pat: [somewhat confused] Okay. [Pat begins to lift Ryoga's pack with one hand, almost juggling it, much to the surprise of Ryoga.] Ryoga: Isn't that a little heavy for you? Pat: Nah, this is nothing, really. Ryoga: Nothing?! That's all that I have in the world! Pat: [realizing that he may have made a huge mistake] Uh, I didn't mean it like that, I meant that it wasn't as heavy as some other things that I've lifted. Ryoga: Are you sure that's what you meant? Pat: Well, yeah. Listen, I don't want to start a fight here. [Just then, Ranma comes out of the house looking for Pat.] Ranma: Pat, Kasumi wanted to me to tell you that dinner is rea-urk! [sees Ryoga with umbrella in hand] Ryoga! What are you doing here? Pat: [to himself] Uh-oh, I think I've brought trouble to the front door--- literally! [to Ranma] This guy's Ryoga? The same guy that's tried (among other people) to kill you over a stupid misunderstanding? Ranma: That's him. What were you thinking when you brought him here? Do you know what he can do?! Pat: [counting on his fingers] Well, yeah, you told me. Let's see, he's unusually strong, carries a bamboo umbrella as a weapon, throws bandanas... [trails off] [Ranma glares at Pat for being so literal.] Pat: Well, he asked me for directions, and I thought that I'd go one step further, since it's where I'm going. Ryoga: I don't expect you to understand revenge...Pat, is it? Pat: You know what, you're right. To me, revenge is an exercise in futility. It's just a waste of time and effort. Jeez, can't you see that Ranma has enough on his mind, what with several girlfriends, a perverted grandfather, a father that's made his life a living hell... Ranma: [sulkily] Thanks for reminding me of how miserable my life is, Pat. Pat: [whispering] I'm trying to discourage the guy from killing you here and now, do you mind? [Kasumi comes out of the house.] Kasumi: Ranma, Pat, dinner's getting cold. Pat: Ryoga, if you're going to kill Ranma, could you at least let him have a last meal? Ranma: You know, Pat, you're really encouraging. Pat: I'm trying to buy you some time, here. [to Ryoga] Can you just wait here until Ranma gets done? Ryoga: [relenting] All right, but no tricks. [starts wandering off] Kasumi: Come on, you two. [As Ranma, Pat and Kasumi go inside the house for supper, a faint SPLASH comes from outside. Pat glances outside and sees something emerging from the fish pond.] Pat: Hey, what's that outside near the pond? Akane: [who has been waiting, along with everyone else] Well, whatever it is, it can wait until after supper. [Everyone's seated and starts to eat dinner. A small black pig nonchalantly makes his entrance and sits down near Akane.] Akane: P-chan! [hugs the pig] Where have you been? I haven't seen you for a while! [P-chan only snorts and gives an almost human-like dirty look at Ranma. Ranma glares back at the pig. Pat notices three things: The yellow checkered bandana around P-chan's neck, the fact that P-chan is dripping wet, and Ranma's reaction to the animal.] Pat: [to himself] Hmmm. What's with Ranma and that pig? [to Akane] So, how long have you had that pig, Akane? Akane: [feeding P-chan] Oh, I've had him around for a couple of months. Isn't he adorable? Pat: I wouldn't know. I'm a lousy judge of pigs. Mind if I hold on to him for a while? Akane: [handing over P-chan] I don't see why not. [Pat examines P-chan.] Pat: Hmmm. This guy's pretty healthy. [P-chan starts squealing] Whoa, there, settle down! [jokingly] I make it a point to never eat pets. [CHOMP! P-chan bites deep into Pat's hand. Pat simply detaches the pig from his hand and looks deeply into the pig's eyes] You do that again, and I'm going to have to hurt you. Now, sit down, relax, and enjoy your dinner, all right? [P-chan is actually intimidated. He scoots back to Akane, cringing next to her.] Akane: Look what you did! You scared him! [hugs P-chan again] Oh, are you all right? Pat: Akane, I suspect that he'll live. Besides, I was just joking about that last part. I wouldn't hurt a defenseless animal. [to himself] I don't think that pig's really defenseless, though. There's something funny about him. I just can't put my finger on it. [dinner is finally finished and Pat goes outside near the fish pond. He peeks inside and sees Ryoga's clothes, backpack, and umbrella. He goes to his room to type out his daily letter. Meanwhile, P-chan manages to jump into a tub of hot water. Ryoga emerges and heads towards the pond to retrieve his clothes.] Pat: [voice over] Well, brother, I've actually survived that duel with Kuno. To be honest, though, I didn't really fight. A friend of mine managed to talk that guy out of skewering me. I can't go into the specifics, though. You wouldn't believe me if I told you. I found out today that Akane has a pet pig, P-chan. Suffice it to say, I didn't get along with him, and neither does Ranma, for some unknown reason. Speaking of Ranma, this guy, Ryoga, came around the house just to...[various fighting noises are heard outside. Pat goes outside to see Ranma and Ryoga going at it. He ducks inside just as Ryoga is hurled right through the door into the wall.] Ranma: Let's see you try that again! [jumps towards Ryoga, who dodges] Ryoga: [waving his umbrella] Eat this, you... [Pat goes between them, trying to separate the two. He's thrown back by their collision into the wall. Shaking his head, he re-enters the fray in order to try again. As Ryoga jabs his umbrella, Pat grabs it and throws it outside. Ranma barely manages to swerve around Pat.] Pat: All right guys, CUT IT OUT!!!!! Now, either take it outside [a rumble is heard outside, and then it starts to rain.] or at least wait two minutes until I finish this letter to my family! [the two reluctantly sit down facing Pat while the latter reseats himself at his laptop.] Ryoga: [pissed off] WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TO TELL ME WHEN AND WHEN NOT TO FIGHT?! [goes after Pat with one of his ki-reinforced punches.] Ranma: Pat, look out...[a SMACK! is heard as Pat blocks Ryoga's punch with his palm. Pat continues to type with his other hand.] Ryoga: [flabbergasted] How the...you're not supposed to be, I mean...[trails off] Pat: [in an offhanded manner] Ryoga, what'd you do? My hand feels a little warm. Oh, well, it couldn't be anything important. [voice over] ...try to kill Ranma over some stupid misunderstanding. If there's one thing I'm glad of, it's that I don't live here, at least not on a permanent basis. It would drive me nuts! That's about it for today, bro. "See" you tomorrow. Pat. [to Ryoga and Ranma] Okay, now you can resume fighting. One other thing: [glares at Ryoga] DON'T BITE ME AGAIN, P-CHAN. Ryoga: Who's... Pat: You are. [Ryoga glares at Ranma] No, he didn't tell me anything. I just happen to be very observant. You know, you shouldn't leave your clothes in the pond. Now, would you care to tell me why you turn into a pig? Ryoga: I don't have to tell you anything! Pat: Fine. I just thought that you might want to talk about it, get it out of your system. [Ryoga starts to walk away] Then again, maybe not. By the way, I just hope Akane will take this as well as I have. Ryoga: [turns around] You wouldn't! That's blackmail! Ranma: Even I didn't consider doing that! Pat: [crosses his arms] Calm down, you two. I wouldn't do anything like that. I'm not Nabiki, you know. I'll keep quiet about this, no ifs, ands or buts about it. Ryoga: [barely audible] ...Thanks. Pat: You're welcome. [Ryoga then walks out into the rain, and P-chan comes back in. P-chan then goes towards Akane's room.] Pat: [to Ranma] So, why does he keep turning into a pig when he gets wet? I suppose that he fell into another magical pool like you, but that doesn't explain why he hates you so much. Ranma: [embarassed] Well, I kind of accidentally knocked him off a cliff into a pool while chasing after my dad. Pat: Uh huh. Well, that might be a major factor. [suddenly, squeals are heard in the house. Pat and Ranma rush to investigate. They find Akane barely holding on to P-chan as he's squirming out of her grasp.] Pat: Okay, what's going on? Akane: [struggling] Well,(oof!) P-chan just came in from the rain and, since I was going to be taking a bath anyways (hey, hold still!) I thought that I might take him in with me and warm him up (whoa!). Pat: [thinking] Akane, are you going to be taking a really hot bath? Akane: Huh? What does that have to do with it? (P-chan!) Pat: Well, pigs don't have any sweat glands, right? That's why they roll around in the mud, to cool themselves off. If they didn't, one of two very nasty things could happen. They could either (1) die of heat prostration or (2) implode. That's why P-chan is so reluctant to join you in the tub. Akane: Really? What do you suggest, then? [by this time, P-chan has calmed down considerably.] Pat: Well, I think you should just wrap him up in a towel and keep him warm. Gradual changes in temperature are better for his health. [Ranma has this "oh, brother" look on his face. Pat pretends not to notice.] Akane: [hands P-chan to Pat and runs off to get a towel] Thanks Pat! [P-chan has this somewhat embarassed look on this face.] Pat: [looking directly into the pig's eyes and emphasizing each word] You owe me big time, buddy. Ranma: So, was all that stuff you said about pigs true? Would they really die of heat prostration without mud? Pat: [looks around to check if Akane's nearby] Actually, yeah. But, I think the more immediate problem, Ranma, is that of Akane dousing this guy [gently pokes P-chan] with hot water and having a naked Ryoga with her in the bath. [to P-chan] I don't think Akane will think of taking a bath with you, again. [Akane returns with a towel and wraps P-chan like a mummy in it.] Akane: There you go! Are you comfortable? [P-chan merely snorts.] You're welcome. [Cut to a little later. Pat is standing outside of Nabiki's room, considering something. He looks like he's decided and knocks on the door.] Nabiki: [talking on the phone] All right, nobody will find out about it if you just keep quiet, got it? [Pat knocks again.] Gotta go, so meet me at lunch. [hangs up] Who is it? Pat: It's me, Pat. Nabiki: What do *you* want? Pat: May I come in? I think that we need to talk about a few things. [Nabiki lets him inside. Pat sits on a chair near her bed.] Pat: [sighs] Nabiki, I've been thinking some things over and I'd like to ask you a something. Nabiki: What? Pat: What's the *real* reason why you had me traipsing over to Tokyo? Nabiki: I think you know why. It's the 30,000 yen a week room and board. Pat: I don't think that's the real reason. 30,000 yen only comes up to about $200 a week. You don't seem *that* desperate for money, what with the school and all. Nabiki: Well, then, what's the *real* reason why I wanted you to come here? Pat: I think that you wanted someone to talk to. Nabiki: You think that I want to talk to *you*? Pat: Well, laugh if you want, but I think that that's the reason. [digs a couple of letters out of his pocket and waves them a couple of inches from her face] Remember these? A person once said that it was almost impossible not to put a little bit of yourself in your writing. You wrote that you were a little resentful of your mother for dying. You also seemed a little lonely, as if you had no one to really talk to. Am I right? Nabiki: [thinks] Damn. That's what I get for writing to an overly observant goody two shoes. [to Pat] Well then, Sigmund Freud, what's the reason why I'm so money-grubbing? Pat: Well, I think that money is kind of like an anchor to you. It's stable, never changes, never disappoints you, and it also never dies on you. [Nabiki shifts uncomfortably] You seem to think that, judging by your letters, if you could accumulate enough money, you wouldn't have to depend on anybody but yourself. Therefore, no one could ever disappoint you again, like your mother. Nabiki: [thinks] I hate it when people are right. [to Pat] When I wrote you those letters, I was looking for someone to talk to. So, what are you going to do now? Brag it over the intercom that I'm insecure? Pat: I didn't come into your room to blackmail you. I just wanted to know if you wanted to talk about it with me. Nabiki: What makes you think that I'm going to just open up to you [snaps her fingers] just like that? Pat: Because I know you. Nabiki: [shaking her head] I hate a guy who's always right. [they start talking about almost everything. Soon, they're laughing like old friends.] Nabiki: Are you kidding? Pat: No, that's what my brother really did. Nabiki: [settles down] By the way, you never told me that you knew kempo. Pat: I don't, at least not really. It's a form of street fighting which is kind of like a mix and match of various martial arts. My brother taught it to me. Nabiki: Well, since you never mentioned it in your letters, I thought you'd be dead meat when Kuno came around. Pat: Well, I can handle myself. [looks at her clock] Jeez, look at the time! Listen, I've gotta get to bed. G'night. [leaves] Nabiki: Hmph. I never thought that I'd actually like someone that honest. Pat: [calling out over his shoulder] I heard that! [the next day, Ranma, Akane and Pat are walking to school. They meet Ukyo in front of the gates.] Ukyo: Ran-chan! Ranma: Ucc-chan! Hi! [Pat has this silly grin plastered on his face. He mouths out "Ran-chan?" and tries to keep from laughing. He doesn't succeed very well.] Pat: Ran-chan? How did you get a nickname like that? [Ukyo flattens him from behind with her giant spatula.] Ukyo: It's a term of affection, jerk! Pat: [who's sprawled over the grass] Oog. [shakes his head.] Great, now I know what a fly feels like. Akane: Pat, please, don't do what I think you're going to do. Pat: [flails his arms and legs around and cries out in a high-pitched voice] Help me! Help me! Ranma: You just couldn't resist, could you Pat? Pat: [gets up chuckling] Nope. Ukyo: Who's the weirdo? Ranma: He's staying with us for a couple of days. Pat, this is Ukyo, Ukyo, Pat. Pat: Charmed. So, do you usually squish people with spatulas, or am I the only one to receive that honor? Ukyo: Only idiots who make fools of themselves. Since you know Ran-chan, however, I won't do that again. Pat: Ah, touche. [grins at Ukyo, who lightens up a little.] Ranma, you still haven't told me about your "pet name." Ranma: [somewhat uncomfortable] It's from when Ucc-chan and I were a lot younger. [whispers] Of course, I didn't know she was a girl back then. Pat: You didn't--? Boy, you *must* have been young! Ukyo: Well anyway, the principal is on the haircut rampage again. I just thought that I'd let you know. [goes inside the gates.] [Akane has been glaring at Ukyo the entire conversation. Pat notices and waves his hand in front of her face.] Pat: Hello, anybody home? Akane: [gives him a warning look] What? Pat: You know, if you keep making that face, someday it's going to stick. [Akane lightens somewhat.] Kiddo, you need to relax, lighten up. You're so serious all the time. [there's a loud noise from inside the gates] What the heck--? [The principal is cruising on a skateboard, Hawaiian shirt, clippers, and all. The threesome scatter in their respective directions.] Pat: [who's hit the dirt again] Let me guess, the principal? Ranma: [sarcastically] What was your first clue? Principal: [laughs maniacally] Now, I'll finally get that ponytail of yours, Saotome! [swings around for another approach. Ranma, as usual, knocks him off the skateboard.] OOF! Just for that, you'll also have to spend a month cleaning toilets! [Pat reaches into his backpack for something, then runs over to the Principal.] Pat: [helps the Principal up] Listen, sir, could you kind of overlook this incident? Ranma's been having a really bad day. Besides, what can one ponytail hurt? There's always tomorrow, you know. [Ranma looks rather confused right now. Pat surreptitiously flickers his eyebrows at Ranma.] Principal: Well, I guess you're right. [turns to Ranma] I'll be back for you later, Saotome. [Pat puts something on the Principal's back. As he skates away, we see a sign that says, "KICK ME, I MAKE STUPID RULES." Everyone tries to control their laughter.] [later, at lunchtime, the threesome are at the cafeteria.] Pat: Guys, I'm going to take a look around town and see if there are any good Chinese restaurants around. Any recommendations? Ranma: Well, there's always the Nekohan-hmmf! [Akane has just slapped her hand around Ranma's mouth. Ranma pulls her hand off his mouth.] Akane: Don't you dare go there! You know how much that Shampoo bugs me! Pat: Shampoo? Wait a minute, is she the one that turns into a... Ranma: Don't say that word! I hate cats! Pat: Ookay. I was about to say Felis domesticus, but let's not get too fancy here. What's wrong with that particular restaurant? Akane: It's not really the restaurant itself, it's the hostess. Pat: Ah hah. Would you like to elaborate on that? Akane: No. Pat: Well, all I want to do is to go in, get some carry out, and then get out. You two can just lead me there and then I'll go in solo, if that place bothers you so much. Ranma: [to Akane] Hmm, what do you think? Akane: It's worth a try. [They go down to the Nekohanten. As per the plan, Pat goes in alone.] Shampoo: Nihao! Pat: [his ears perk up at Shampoo's Cantonese] Shampoo: Pat: [hands her a slip of paper with their orders] Shampoo: Pat: [in Japanese] I just hope that Ranma and Akane aren't kept waiting too long. Shampoo: Pat: Shampoo: [Just then, Mousse comes blundering out of the kitchen. He's balancing several dishes precariously when he spots who he thinks to be Shampoo and lunges for her, dropping his dishes. Unfortunately, he's just gone for Pat.] Mousse: [hugs Pat] Pat: Geez, I knew you guys were into customer service, but not like this! [tries, in vain, to shove Mousse away.] [Shampoo has disappeared from the scene] Boy, she does a better vanishing act than Houdini. [Mousse lets go] Mousse: Pat: [Mousse reluctantly hands them over, squinting. Pat looks through the lenses from a distance. Meanwhile, Ranma and Akane enter, hearing the racket.] Pat: Yow! [to himself] It's a wonder this guy's not carrying a cane! [hands the glasses to Mousse, who nearly pokes his eyes out putting them back on.] Mousse: [takes a knife from his sleeve] Pat: [Pat grabs Mousse's nose *hard*] Mousse: [drops his knife] YOW! Pat: Mousse: Pat: [Pat smacks the hand holding Mousse's nose (yech!) away to the side.] Mousse: YEOWTCH! [Pat then knees Mousse in the gut, followed by an open-handed punch to the nose, and then finishes up with a spin kick. Mousse falls down.] Pat: Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk. [jokingly, to Ranma and Akane] Well, are you going to help me get our order or are you just going to stare at this guy on the floor? Shampoo: [holding a stopwatch] Akane: What did she say? Pat: She wants me to try to fight her. [looks at Ranma and Akane, who are wildly shaking their heads no] Shampoo: Pat: Shampoo: [gives him one of those "come hither" looks] Pat: [backing off somewhat] [Ranma, Akane and Pat leave the Nekohanten.] Akane: What were you doing, picking a fight with Mousse? He's dangerous! Pat: Akane, I didn't pick a fight with him. The guy just burst out of the kitchen and hugged me, calling me Shampoo. Ranma: [raises one eyebrow] That sounds about right. Mousse was always blind as a bat. Akane: Well still, I thought it was a mistake to go to that...WACHOO! Pat: You okay? Akane: [sniffs] I'm fine. There must be a draft or something. [cut to later, afterschool. Akane's "draft" has turned into a full-blown doozy of a cold. Ranma, Kasumi and Pat are in her room.] Pat: So, did this thing start off with a sore throat? Akane: [coughs rather violently] Yes. Then I started to sneeze. [Kasumi takes her temperature, then frowns at the result.] Kasumi: I'm afraid you're going to have to stay in bed for at least tonight and tomorrow. You've got a 101 degree fever. Ranma: Sounds about right for a hot-tempered girl. [Akane lunges for Ranma, only to have a sneezing fit.] Pat: Ranma! You're not helping much. Kasumi, could I talk to you outside for a minute? Kasumi: Sure. [They go outside Akane's room.] Pat: Kasumi, I've had this nasty little bug before, about a week before I came here. She'll be miserable for about three days, but otherwise she'll be fine. Kasumi: I see. Is there any particular medicine or food she needs? Pat: Well, just give her something to keep her fever down and lots of fluids. It sounds generic, I know, but it works. [gets an idea] In fact, I think I'll make some wonton soup for her. Kasumi: [confused] Wonton soup? Won't that upset her stomach? Pat: [smiles] Not the way I make it. [inside Akane's room, at about the same time.] Ranma: [hesitantly] So, you're not going to be in school tomorrow, huh? Akane: [sniffs] Not unless you've got some kind of miracle cure on you. Why, are you actually worried about me? Ranma: [awkard] Who, me? Nah. [pauses] Yeah, I guess I am. Akane: It's all right. [Pat enters with his walkman and a couple of tapes.] Pat: Well, since you're going to be in bed for a while, I kinda figured you might want to listen to something. [puts the tapes and walkman on her bed] Akane: [reads out the titles] The Little Mermaid? Beauty and the Beast? The Best of Billy Joel? Pat: [blushing] Uh, yeah, I listen to those to help me relax. [whispers to Ranma] Hey, why are you still here? Akane's very contagious right now. Ranma: [Whispers back] Then why are you still hanging around here? Pat: Um, because I've had this disease before. Akane: All right, Pat, what am I in for? Pat: Honestly? Akane: Yes, honestly. Pat: [takes a deep breath] These days are, without a doubt, going to be the worst three days of your life. Akane: [sinks into her pillow] Oh, great. Pat: Akane, I thought that I was really clear of that bug when I came over here. [hangs his head] I'm sorry. Akane: Well, it's not like you did this on purpose. [sighs] Well, at least I have some time off from dealing with Kuno. Pat: Listen, I'll be back in about an hour with a surprise. [An hour later, Pat enters the room with a large soup bowl on a tray. Akane is listening to one of his tapes in his walkman.] Pat: Here you go, kiddo! [Akane takes off the headphones] Akane: [sniffs the soup before barely turning her head to sneeze] Wachoo! What is it? (sniff) Pat: Wonton soup, made my own special way. Akane: I wish I could smell it. Pat: Well, this bug won't kill your taste buds like it has your sinuses. Come on, try it out. Akane: I don't know. I'm not sure my stomach can handle it. Pat: Ah, come on. [jokingly] What are you trying to do, hurt your "big brother's" feelings? Akane: All right, since you put it that way. [tries a dumpling] Hey! This is actually pretty good! I just wish my cooking turned out this good. Pat: Well, I'm pretty sure that you just need more practice. [a loud crash is heard outside. Pat and Akane look out the window to see Ranma and Ryoga going at it again. He sighs and heads for the door.] I'll be back in a little while, after I break up the fight between those two chowderheads. You just eat up and relax. Akane: Do I have much of a choice? Pat: Not really. [Pat runs outside the house. He tries, in vain, to separate the two combatants.] Pat: ALL RIGHT, BREAK IT UP YOU TWO!!! WHOUF! [Pat catches an umbrella jab meant for Ranma and is knocked down to the ground. He recovers quickly, and looks really ticked off.] Okay, THAT DOES IT! NUKE ATTACK! [a tremendous amount of lightning-like ki energy seems to surround Pat. Ranma and Ryoga look at Pat, shocked. They both have this "uh-oh" look on their face. Whereas Ryoga's power seems to be that of an aura, Pat's energy is like a violent thunderstorm, begging to be released. The energy buildup continues until it erupts in a mushroom-cloud like column of light. Ranma and Ryoga are caught like flies in a tornado and are flung against the wall of the dojo. The discharge fades, leaving Pat in the center of a 50-foot diameter crater in the yard, exhausted.] Whew! That was one of my better nuke attacks. [goes over to Ranma and wakes him up] Hey, are you okay? Ranma: Uunnnhh...What the heck did you hit me with? Pat: Well, the formal name for it is "exploding mushroom energy column attack," but, I figured that "nuke attack" seemed more appropriate. Besides, who has time to say "exploding etc. etc." in the middle of a fight? How do you feel? Ranma: [gets up] I feel like I've been run over with a steamroller. Pat: Good. Then it worked. I was trying to hold back, you know. Ranma: You were WHAT? Pat: Well, let me put it this way. The first time I used this, I nearly vaporized the school gym, with everyone in it. Ranma: If it was so dangerous, why'd you try it on Ryoga and me? Pat: I figured that it'd be a sure-fire way to get your attention. I was trying to tell you guys to cut it out because Akane needs her rest. Ranma: Let me try to understand this. You wanted both of us to stop fighting and be quiet, right? Pat: That was the general idea, yes. Ranma: So you cause an explosion, which would probably wake the dead, to shut us up! You also caused a 50-foot crater to appear right in their backyard! Pat: Hey, it worked, didn't it? [looks at Ryoga's unconscious form] Do you think I should wake him up? Ranma: NO! He'd just start something up again. Pat: Keep it down, will you? [pauses] Come to think of it, I'd better let him sleep it off. Good thing it's not going to rain today. [He hears a rum- ble in the distance and sighs] That figures. Come on, let's get him inside before he starts squealing on us. Ranma: [helps Pat drag Ryoga inside the dojo] That was a rotten joke, Pat. [cut to much later. Pat enters Akane's room and collects the soup bowl and tray. He leaves and we see Ranma sneaking in.] [the next day, Pat and Ranma are walking to school. Pat keeps glancing at Ranma out of the corner of his eye. Ranma has conspicuous bags under his eyes.] Pat: What's the matter, did you have insomnia last night? Ranma: [distracted] Hmm? Oh, no, I didn't have insomnia last night. Pat: Then how come you're so tired? Ranma: I...had things to take care of last night. Let's just leave it at that. Pat: Okay, fine with me. [two days later, before breakfast, Pat is writing on his laptop.] Pat: [voice over] Dear brother (geez, that sounds so generic). Sorry I haven't been writing lately. My "foster little sister" accidentally caught that nasty little bug I had some time ago, so I've been keeping an eye on her. She seems pretty well recovered, and she's working out in the dojo as I type this out. The funny thing is, Ranma's also been worried about her, although he'll never admit it. Anyways, I've been getting her homework, let- ting her in on the latest "gossip," etc. You know, it's unusual but, with girls talking to other girls, it's called "gossip." With men talking to other men, it's called "exchanging vital statistics and information." Go figure. If you notice, I'm writing shortly before breakfast, Japan time. I'm going to have a workout with Akane, and if I'm right, I probably won't be in any shape to write later. By the way, I found something very interesting in my suit- case. Tell our dear sister that I blushed incessantly after finding those pseudo-nudie magazines, she'll get a real kick out of that. Fortunately, Ranma leaves my stuff alone, otherwise I'd be branded a pervert. Gotta go. Pat. [he presses a button to send the message. After the words "MESSAGE SENT" appear on the screen, he turns the laptop off. Pat heads towards the dojo where Akane is already working out. She's just finished a series of kicks.] Pat: Hi. Mind if I join you? Akane: Sure. [takes a stance] Pat: [also getting into position] Y'know, if you don't mind me being a mother hen, you really shouldn't be working out so hard after being so sick. I mean, when I was recovering, I felt a little weak in the knees. Akane: Don't worry about me. I feel fine. [throws a few punches, which Pat blocks.] Pat: Hmm. Your timing was a little bit off on those punches. I'd hold off a bit on cutting loose. I think it's my turn. Akane: Go ahead. Pat: Could you kind of stand back about three feet? Akane: Hmm? How come? Pat: Trust me. Oh, and feel free to block if you think I'm kicking too close. Akane: All right. [she moves back. Pat goes into a very complicated routine using a few moves. Akane is impressed by the fact that, although Pat apparent- ly doesn't use a variety of moves, he does use what he has very effectively. There's also the fact that Pat's kicks and punches stop short of Akane by a very small margin. In spite of this, she doesn't block. He finishes up.] Pat: Well, what do you think? Ranma: [from behind] Not bad. Not bad at all. Pat: [turns around] Didn't your dad ever tell you not to sneak up behind people? Ranma: No, he didn't. In fact, some of my best moves are sneaky. Pat: [somewhat disgusted] Figures. [lightens up] Well, what's up? Ranma: Kasumi told me to tell you two that breakfast is ready. [the three of them head inside the house] Pat: You know what? I think that Kasumi probably needs a day off or some- thing. I mean, look at what she does. She takes care of the house, makes the meals, does the laundry, and probably, although I'm not sure, keeps everyone from going crazy. What do you think? Ranma: I never really thought about it much until a while back. Akane: Neither did I. Pat: [concerned] Really? What happened? Akane: Oneechan got injured and we learned to appreciate what she does around here.+ Pat: [thinking that Kasumi ended up in the hospital] Uh huh. [the threesome discuss it over breakfast. Soun is somewhat reluctant to say the least.] Pat: So, what do you think? Kasumi: I don't know. I'm really pretty busy for a night off. Pat: That's why it's called a "night off." Soun: Well, not to sound selfish but, who's going to cook dinner? Akane: I'll fix dinner. It's no trouble at all. Ranma: It is if you're the one eating it. Akane: Are you saying that I'm a bad cook?! Ranma: Let me put it this way. Good cooks don't use ammonia when preparing fish. [they begin to argue again. Pat exaggerates clearing his throat.] Pat: AHEM! Actually, I was thinking of cooking dinner. Everyone: YOU WHAT?! Ranma: You never told me you could cook! Pat: To use an old cliche, you never asked. Panda: [sign] So, exactly how good are you? Pat: Just ask Akane. Akane: [embarassed] Umm...He made some pretty good Chinese food for me when I was sick. Ranma: [sarcastically] You cook, you do martial arts, you're a good listener ...is there anything you don't do? Pat: [leaning over and smirking] I don't do windows, blackmail people, kill or maim, or a bad Sean Connery imitation. Ranma: .... [cut to later, in the kitchen. Kasumi is preparing to leave for her much- deserved night off.] Kasumi: ...So, if you need me, I'll be right here. [hands a phone number and address to Pat.] Pat: Don't worry about us, we'll be fine. Besides, it's only for a night. Akane: Besides, you do look like you need the rest, oneechan. Kasumi: Well, I'm off. [leaves] Akane: Have fun! [waves] Pat: So, let's get started, shall we? Akane: "Let's?" Do you mean I can help you in the kitchen? Pat: Of course. I can't do everything by myself, now can I? [They both start getting various utensils, etc. Akane puts on an apron and offers an especially cute ruffled one to Pat.] Pat: [slightly embarrassed] Um, no thanks. Do you happen to have anything a little less...frilly? Akane: Pat, you're actually blushing! Pat: Ah, it's no big deal. I'll work without one. [They both begin cooking. Just when the two of them were about to start on a cake, Ranma bursts in chasing P-chan, again.] Ranma: Come back here you pig! [slides to a stop just in front of Pat, nearly colliding with him.] Whoops! Pat: Whoa! [measures the distance between the two of them] Cutting it a bit close now, are we? Akane: [hugging P-chan in her usual way] Ranma, were you chasing him again? Can't you just leave him alone for once? Pat: Ranma, I've got a little job for you. Ranma: [somewhat irritated] What? Pat: I just want you to keep an eye on P-chan for today. Akane: Are you sure that's a good idea? Pat: Trust me. Now, could you hang onto this pan while I hold onto P-chan? [they exchange what they're holding onto] Thanks. Now, Ranma, I want your word that you will in no way irritate, aggravate, or otherwise antagonize P- chan for the rest of the day. All I want you to do is keep an eye on him. And that goes for the same for you [looks at P-chan]. Got it? Ranma: [mumbling] Right. [They both stand on the sidelines watching Akane and Pat cook. They both give each other dirty looks, but nothing overly antagonistic] Pat: Akane, would you mind checking up on that pot of soup? Akane: Sure. [opens the pot and takes a look] Looks like it's boiling right now. Pat: Okay, then turn down the heat. In the meantime, while you're at it, would you mind starting up on the cake? Akane: I've got it. [starts cracking the eggs] Ranma: Akane is cooking?! ARE YOU NUTS? [starts turning green] Unnh, suddenly, I don't feel so well. [starts to leave. P-chan has also started getting nauseous at the thought of eating Akane's cooking. The former looks surprisingly green around the gills for black piglet.] Pat: Oh, come on, it can't be that bad. Ranma: YES IT IS! [whispers] She's practically found several ways to burn water. Pat: [crossing his arms] Ranma, I may be a bit of an optimist, but absolutely *nobody* can be that ba--YIKE! [turns his head to see Akane cracking a 1 to 1 ratio of shells to yolk in the bowl. He zips over to Akane.] Um, Akane? Akane: Yes? Pat: [thinking] Geez, she's on the verge of committing a culinary catastrophe. [diplomatically] I don't think we'll need the eggshells in the cake. Akane: You want me to take the shells out of the bowl? Pat: [trying to be nice] Oh no, that's all right. I'll take care of it. [starts separating the shells] Ranma, could you please hand me some flour from over there? Ranma: Why me? Pat: Because you're the one closest to it. [Ranma sighs, and gets the flour container. However, P-chan has seen fit to pass out (rather conveniently) right in front of Ranma. The latter trips on the former and spills the entire container. The kitchen is soon obscured with flour.] Pat: [coughs] Ranma, I only wanted about two cups worth. Ranma: Hey, how was I supposed to know? Besides, it wasn't my fault. I tripped on something...or someone. [eyes P-chan] You little--! [starts chasing him until Pat clears his throat] Pat: AHEM! Ranma, I seem to recall that you promised you wouldn't... Ranma: [grumbling] All right, all right. [Pat manages to ventilate the kitchen, and some visibility is restored. Every- one is, amazingly, only dusted with flour. He realizes something and dashes over to the pot.] Pat: [thinking] Please let the soup be okay! [waits until the dust settles and lifts the cover.] Phew! It's all right. Akane: What now? Pat: Did Kasumi have any more flour? Akane: No, that was all we had. Pat: [to himself] Great. [to Ranma and Akane] Well, I'll get some more flour from the store. In the meantime, let's try to get this place cleaned up. [They start to sweep up the kitchen. A half hour later, they're finally done.] Pat: [putting away broom and dustpan] Finally! Now, I'm off. Ranma: Really? I knew from the day you arrived that you were a little off. Pat: [sour faced] Cute, Ranma, really cute. I meant I'm off to the store to get some more flour. Akane: What about supper? You were the one with all the recipes. Pat: Good point. [takes out several pieces of paper] Here you go. Ranma: [looks at the recipes and frowns] Pat? Pat: [sighs] What's wrong? Ranma: These recipes are in Chinese. Pat: All right, all right, I'll translate it for you. [starts scribbling something down on another piece of paper] Here you go. [about to leave the kitchen] Akane: [tries to read the recipes, then puts the paper down] Pat? Pat: [stops and sighs] What's wrong now? Akane: You translated them into English. Pat: Well, what's wrong with that? [Ranma and Akane start blushing and back- ing off] Let me guess, you two aren't doing so hot in English class, huh? [They both start fidgeting and clearing their throats.] That figures. All right, I'll leave my translator here. Just type in the words and it'll give you the Japanese equivalent. Is that it? Ranma: Yeah, that should be it. [turns the translator on, then lifts an eye- brow.] Pat? Pat: [who has one foot out of the door and is almost exasperated] What?! Ranma: Why do you have a password on this thing? Pat: [walks over to Ranma] Here. [takes the translator from Ranma and presses a few buttons] There you go. The security function's been disabled. Ranma, can I talk to you about something? Ranma: Sure. [they both walk outside] Pat: Listen, all I want you to do is to make sure that Akane follows the instructions EXACTLY as they're printed. Also, make sure that she gets the correct ingredients, all right? Ranma: You're asking *me* to help *her* in the kitchen? Pat: I'm counting on you. Oh, and one more thing. PLEASE don't antagonize her. Just help her out. [leaves] Ranma: [sarcastic] This is going to be just peachy. [re-enters the kitchen.] [twenty minutes later, Pat returns with the flour. He enters the house to find the kitchen deserted. He puts down the flour and looks around.] Pat: Hey, where did everybody go? [hears someone running around in the family room and goes to investigate.] Ranma: KAWAIKUNE! Akane: RANMA NO BAKA! Pat: [peeks his head out] What's going on around here? [Akane is chasing Ranma around with a wooden mallet around the room. Ranma dashes past Pat and dodges a swing from Akane. Pat, however, isn't so lucky and takes the full blow on his head.] Pat: Ouch. [falls face first on the floor, unconscious.] [Ranma and Akane both freeze dead in their tracks. While Ranma is shocked, Akane goes pale at what just occurred.] Akane: What have I done? [rushes over to Pat.] Ranma: Great, it wasn't enough for you to try to knock me silly, now you just clobbered your "big brother!" Akane: Ranma, SHUT UP! Help me get him to the couch. [They both drag Pat onto the couch and wait for him to wake up. Five minutes later, he does.] Pat: Uunnhh...what hit me? Ranma: Offhand, I'd say a musclebound girl's wooden mallet. [Akane slaps him.] [Pat's eyes drill into Akane's. She begins to fidget.] Pat: [slowly] You did this...to me? [does a Marlon Brando imitation] What have I done to deserve a hammer on the noggin? Akane: It was an accident! Pat: [continuing the M.B. imitation] I try to treat you nice because you're like the little sister I never had. Now, you stab me in the back and say it was an accident. Akane: I'm sorry! I don't know what else to say! [hugs him] Please forgive me. Pat: [back to his regular voice] Sawright. Akane: Hmm? [lets go of Pat] Pat: [has a BIG grin on his face] Gotcha. Akane: [starts getting flustered] Why you, you... Pat: [cockily] Y'know, you look so cute when you're flustered. Akane: But I--- Pat: [still grinning] You thought that I was going to hold a grudge? Come on! It takes more than that, kiddo! Ranma: [muttering] Well, you've got a lot more patience than I do. Pat: Aw, geez. Well, I half expected to be clobbered sooner or later, what with all that's going on here. [smiles] I'm just surprised that Akane actually took a swipe at me. By the way, what was that you called Akane? Ranma: [sees that Akane is ready to pound him] Um, I really don't want to repeat it now. Pat: Well, then, could I have my translator back, please? [Ranma hands it back to Pat. We see that it's noticably more worn than last time, including a few scratches and nicks.] Ranma, have you been using this other than as what it was supposed to be? Ranma: [fidgeting] Well, there were a few close calls... Pat: [sighs and turns on the translator. He keys in the word that Ranma called Akane. He reads to himself the meaning.] Literal meaning: uncute. WARNING! Never call a girl this unless (1) you have a death wish and want a sure-fire way to commit suicide or (2) you are mentally incapacitated due to drugs, alcohol, etc. [to Ranma] You don't happen to have a death wish or something, do you? Ranma: Not that I know of. Pat: Well, then, are you mentally incapacitated in any way? Akane: Do you have a couple of hours? [Ranma glares at her. She just grins.] Pat: Do you want Akane to stop chasing you around? Ranma: Well, I... Pat: THEN DON'T CALL HER UNCUTE! Ranma: Okay, okay. Geez, what a nutcase. Pat: [ignores that last remark] Sorry about that, but it's just that I'm tired of this never-ending cycle. Akane: What cycle? Pat: [takes a deep breath and calms down] Never mind. Akane: No, really. What cycle? Pat: I'll tell you later. In the meantime, exactly how much cooking did you two accomplish before either of you went on the rampage? Ranma: Well, we finished just about everything except for the cake. The next thing you know, she gets mad at me for trying to be nice to her! Akane: That's not true! He was just complaining about how you made him promise not to bug me. He was also grumbling something about helping out such a horrible cook. Then, I slugged him. [They both notice then that Pat isn't around to hear their comments. They find him in the kitchen, testing the food they were both cooking.] Ranma: Hey, why'd you run off like that? Pat: [looking up from a pot] I wanted to preserve my sanity. Y'know, this is actually pretty good. Akane: [slightly miffed] What, you were expecting otherwise? [Ranma is mouthing out to Pat, "Don't take her up on that question." She glares at Ranma, only to see him whistling.] Pat: I didn't know what to expect. Come on, let's finish this stuff up. [cut to later, at dinnertime. Everyone is somewhat cautious, not knowing what to expect. Dinner is served, and only Akane and Pat are eating it.] Pat: C'mon, eat up. There's more where this came from. [The panda and Soun reluctantly try some fish. They both taste a piece, look surprised, and then start devouring it. Everyone else joins in.] Pat: Oh, by the way, Akane was a big help in making dinner. [Everybody except Pat, Ranma, and Akane stop eating and instinctively start choking on their food. Several Heimlich maneuvers later, order (or what passes for order around here) is restored.] Nabiki: [coughs] What are you trying to do, poison us? Pat: Hey, you were eating pretty heartily until I mentioned that your sister cooked it. Soun: [crying] Can it be? Has my youngest actually learned how to cook? Akane: Well, it was really Pat's reci-- Soun: It doesn't matter. It just means that you can finally take care of yourself and Ranma when you get married. Ranma: Uh-oh. [leans over to Pat and whispers to him] Hey, I don't suppose you have any more recipes, do you? Pat: [whispers back] It doesn't really matter what she cooks. It's kind of funny, though. Ranma: What? Pat: After all that time you spent ridiculing Akane's cooking, she produced some of her best stuff when you were helping her. Ranma:..... [The next day, Sunday, Pat's about to stroll around town to see some sights, dressed casually in a green jogging jacket, plaid shirt, and blue jeans. Ranma and Genma are training outside while Kasumi's cooking in the kitchen. He notices that Nabiki's also about to go out. She goes into Akane's room upstairs. Without meaning to, he overhears snippets of a conversation.] Nabiki: Hey, is it all right if I borrow your white blouse? Akane: [somewhat hesitant] Well...all right, but don't get it dirty. Nabiki: Don't worry. [she walks out with the blouse in her hand, goes into her room and shuts the door. Pat decides to stick around for a bit. Several minutes later, Nabiki comes out of her room wearing the blouse and some jeans. Pat's idly looking through a magazine when he sees her coming down.] Hi, Pat. Pat: [putting down the magazine] Hi. Nabiki: [showing off her outfit] What do you think? Pat: [looking her over] You look good. Nabiki: [brightens] Thanks. Listen, I'm going to be doing a few...errands around town. You want to come? Pat: What're you doing? Collecting money from people? Nabiki: [mischieviously] Maybe. Pat: Hmm...tempting offer. But, I was thinking more about some sightseeing. Nabiki: [a little disappointed] Oh. Well, maybe next time. Pat: Maybe. See ya! [they both leave the house in separate directions.] [Pat walks around town, enjoying the peaceful day. He sees Nabiki on the opposite side of the street going into various shops. Coming out of a clothing store, she's splattered with mud by a passing car. Cursing, she goes back into the store.] Pat: I'd better see if she's all right. [heads over to the store, but doesn't enter. Nabiki comes out. Her blouse is absolutely ruined because of the mud.] Hey, are you okay? Nabiki: Pat, what're you doing here? Pat: Well, I was just checking out the sights when... [she jerks him inside the store] Whoa! [he notices that she's wearing another blouse. He also notices that Akane's blouse is in her bag.] Nabiki: I need to borrow your jacket. Pat: My--? Sure, but why? [takes off his jacket and gives it to her] Nabiki: I just need it. Don't worry, I'll give it back to you. [puts it on] Thanks. [heads off somewhere] Pat: ..... [later, at the Ucchan, Pat's finishing up a quick snack when Nabiki shows up.] Pat: [jokingly] Boy, it really is a small world. What brings you here? Nabiki: [almost growling] Not now, Pat. I'm in a really bad mood. Pat: [concerned] What's the matter? Nabiki: Everything! First, I get this thing splattered with mud! Then, some wiseguy thought it'd be funny to put oil on it. Then, it accidentally dropped out of the bag onto a freshly painted fence. Pat: Sounds like one heck of a day. Nabiki: Yeah, just peachy. [orders an okonomiyaki, which Ukyo promptly prepares and gives it to her. Nabiki pays her.] Thanks. Ukyo: You're welcome. By the way, have either of you two seen Ran-chan lately? [points a spatula at Pat] And not another crack from you, wiseguy! Pat: [raising his hands in front of him] Okay, okay. No problem there. Nabiki: Well, he's been keeping an eye on a certain someone. [leans over in Pat's direction.] Pat: [protesting] I don't need to be kept an eye on. Nabiki: Uh-huh. [looks around for something] Now where's the mustard? Oh, here it is. [picks up the bottle and tries to squeeze it. It doesn't work. She tries again. Still no mustard.] C'mon! Pat: Here, let me give it a try. [she gives him the bottle and he squeezes it. A stream of mustard flows up from the table into Nabiki's bag.] Oh, no. Listen, I'm really sorry... Nabiki: [sighs] Don't worry about it. At least it's not mine. Pat:....Jeez, this is a switch! Most girls I know would usually be crying their eyes out right about now. Nabiki: Switch...yeah, that's the ticket! Pat: Huh? Nabiki: [getting up to leave] Thanks, Pat! [leaves] Pat: [looking at Nabiki, then at Ukyo] Did I just miss something, here? Ukyo: Don't ask me, I just run the place. [later, Nabiki is at another clothing store. We see that she's buying another blouse just like Akane's. There's just one catch: It's a size smaller than Akane's. Nabiki's hoping that she'll never notice. She even clips out the label to cover her tracks.] [cut to the Tendo house. Nabiki has returned from her "errands" and gives the blouse to Akane.] Nabiki: Here you go! Your blouse is safe and sound. [turns to leave, then stops] Oh, by the way. I had it washed just now. Akane: Thanks. [A little later, Akane is trying on the blouse that Nabiki borrowed, but with little luck. It seems to be too tight. She goes downstairs. Ranma, coming in from practice, notices her discomfort.] Ranma: Hey, what's with you? Akane: It's this blouse. I don't get it. It fit just fine this morning. Ranma: Maybe you're getting fat. Akane: RANMA NO BAKA! [slaps him, leaving a very painful imprint on his face. She then starts chasing after him.] Pat: [just entering the house.] Hi, guys! Whoa! [barely sidesteps Ranma. Akane stops chasing him, remembering what happened the last time. In the mean- time, Ranma makes his getaway.] Okay, I give up. What went wrong now? Akane: I was trying on this blouse. It seemed a little tighter than when I last wore it. Then, Ranma said that I was getting fat. Ranma: [peeking his head in the doorway.] She is getting fat! Pat: [sighs to himself. It's going to be one of those days.] Hey, isn't that the blouse that Nabiki borrowed from you? Akane: Yes, so? Pat: Did she say anything to you before you put it on? Akane: Well, she did say that she put it in the wash. Pat: And how much experience does she have with doing the laundry? Akane: I don't know. Kasumi usually does it. Pat: There you go. Nabiki probably accidentally shrank it. [to himself] Although, I don't think anything can get out oil and paint. I wonder... Akane: Thanks, Pat. [to Ranma] I told you I wasn't getting fat. [he sticks out his tongue at her.] [cut to that evening. Pat's typing his usual letter home.] Pat: [voice over] Dear brother (yes, I know that sounds generic. Bear with me!). Nothing much happened today, with the exception of it being one of Nabiki's worst days. She borrowed one of Akane's blouses and, apparently, got it all messed up. The next thing you know, she comes home and hands a clean blouse back to Akane. The weird thing is that she got oil and paint on it. That stuff just doesn't come off. I wonder...could she have switched blouses on her little sister? It'd certainly explain why it was a size smaller. Well, that's about it for today. See you later! Pat. [the next day, at lunchtime. Pat and Ranma are walking around town. They come to a corner where they usually turn to get to the Nekohanten. However, Pat just keeps going straight.] Ranma: Pat, the Nekohanten's that way. [jerks his thumb] Pat: I know, but I just want to see what's that way. Ranma: [catching up to him] The only thing that way is St. Hebereke's Girl's School. Pat: St. Hebere--hey, doesn't that mean "dru--?" Ranma: Yeah. Whoever named that school must have been in that condition. Pat: So, what is it, the girls are constantly wobbly or something? Ranma: Well, there is this one girl I know over there...good physical bal- ance, but she's a little unhinged, if you know what I mean. Pat: You have another girlfriend? Ranma: [gets a chill] Brrr...Don't ever call her my girlfriend! Pat: Ah. [notices their destination outside the gates] Well, keeping me away from this place seems to be a moot point. We're here. Ranma: Gak! If Kodachi sees me, I'm dead! [dives into a hedge] [Pat sees a familiar (to us) figure. Kodachi makes her usual rose-laden entrance. Pat dusts himself off.] Kodachi: Excuse me, I thought I saw someone else with you. Was there a boy with a pony-tail with you? Pat: [looks around, carefully avoiding the hedge] Well, it doesn't look like it, now does it? Kodachi: [somewhat sadly] No, I guess not. [sighs] Ranma-sama... Pat: Ranma-sama? That's rather high praise for the guy, don't you think? Kodachi: [sticks out a spiked club at him] Are you questioning my taste in men? Pat: [leaning away from the club] No, it's not that. Kodachi: Good. [retracts the spikes] Do you happen to know where he might be? Pat: [straightening up] Well, I imagine that he might be at Furninkan High School having lunch. I think he said that he was a bit bushed. [Inside the hedges, Ranma grimaces at Pat's pun, but keeps quiet.] Kodachi: Oh. Well, if you do see him, give him these for me. [whips out a bouquet of black roses. Pat takes it, cautiously. He notices something in Kodachi's hand. She seems surprised at his lack of reaction.] Until later... [prepares her ribbon] Pat: Oh, by the way. [she stops. Pat opens his hands to reveal three thumb- tacks wedged between his fingers.] I believe that these are yours. [flings them near her, where they land in a tree.] Kodachi: My, I guess it's true. Old habits are hard to break. [swirls her ribbon and exits.] Pat: Geez, what a nutcase. Ranma, you can come out now. [he does, slowly.] Ranma: NOW, do you see why I didn't want to come here? Pat: Okay, okay, you don't have to rub it in. [hands him the bouquet. It has a card on it saying, "With love, from the Black Rose." Ranma tosses it into the garbage.] You know, there's something familiar about her, I just don't know what. She reminds me of... Ranma: Kuno? Pat: [snaps his fingers] Exactly. [turns to face him] How did you know? Ranma: Kodachi is Kuno's sister. Pat: Well, it all fits. They're both skilled in some kind of martial art, both have a crush on you in one way or another, both have this thing for roses, and, most importantly, both seem to have this overactive imagination. Ranma: You forgot one thing: Both are a pain in the neck. Pat: I was getting to that. So, how'd she get this crush on you? Ranma: I---accidentally hit her on the head. Pat: Really? It hasn't done a thing for her. [jokingly] By the way, you didn't strike me as being so desperate for a date that you'd actually have to hit--- Ranma: PAT! Pat: I was just joking. Ranma: Well, it's not very funny! Can you imagine being chased around by those two as both a boy *and* a girl? Pat: Hmmm... [thinks it over for a good minute.] No, not really. Ranma: [slaps his forehead] Arrgh! Pat: But, I guess it'd be a constant pain in the rear. Ranma: You got that right. [sarcastically] Have you satisfied your curiosity yet? Pat: [quietly] Yeah, let's go. [they head back to Furinkan High School.] [meanwhile, the Principal is at his desk, dreaming about another Hawaiian getaway.] Principal: Ah, yes, I could certainly use the time off, especially after what happened to me last week. [winces] When I get my hands on the student who put that sign on me, I'll shave off all his hair and make him clean toilets for a month. [calls to his secretary] Do you have the figures for the yearly budget ready? Secretary: [nasal voice] Yes, sir. Principal: Well, how do my prospects look for another getaway? Secretary: Nonexistent, sir. Principal: [rushes over to her desk] WHAT????! What do you mean, nonexistent? Secretary: Well, apparently, sir, you've already had two "getaway" trips. We're in serious debt. Principal: How much? Secretary: [looks through some papers] About 75000 yen, sir. Principal: Oh, no. If the board of education finds out we're in debt, I could lose my job! What do I do? Secretary: Well, sir... Principal: [snaps at her] Don't interrupt me when I'm thinking! Secretary: But sir, we could always run some kind of contest, with the pro- ceeds going to the school. Principal: Nonsense! [thinks] Hmmm...I know! Secretary: What, sir? Principal: We could run some kind of contest, with the proceeds going to the school. Secretary: [sarcastically, but with her voice, who can tell?] You're a genius, sir. Principal: [full of himself] I know. That's why I'm the Principal, and you're a lowly secretary. Secretary: [thinking] Just wait until tax time comes, then you'll see how lowly I am! Principal: Put me through the speaker system. Secretary: Yes, sir. Principal: Attention, students! Please continue to listen to your teacher during this announcement! Due to a...bookkeeping error, we are short 75000 yen. In order to make this up, I am announcing a martial arts contest this Friday afternoon, afterschool. All the proceeds will be put in a "booster fund" for special activities, etc. All students are welcome to enter, and entry forms and tickets will be available tomorrow. That is all. What a bunch of idiots. All I have to do is give one of them a cheap trophy and I get to cover...Hey! Is this thing still on? Secretary: You never told me to turn it off, sir. Principal: Well, turn it off! Secretary: Yes, sir. Principal: Do you think they heard that idiots part? Secretary: I don't know, sir. [hides a malicious grin.] [meanwhile, everyone's either laughing at the Principal's incompetence, or ticked off at the fact that he called them a bunch of idiots.] [Afterschool, Ranma, Akane, and Pat are walking home.] Pat: So, are you going to enter that contest? Ranma: Yeah, I'm going. Pat: How come? Ranma: What do you mean, how come? It's a martial arts contest, I'm a martial artist. Pat: Well, there's a complex answer for you. [Ranma gives him a sour look.] Akane: Why, are you thinking about entering? Pat: Well, [thinks for a bit] why not? It could be interesting. I mean, it's not like I'm fighting for my life or anything. How about you, Akane? Akane: I'm in, as long as nobody's cheating. Ranma: Then you'd better count out Shampoo and Kodachi. Pat: I'll keep an eye on those two, just to make sure they're not up to any funny stuff. Ranma & Akane: Thanks. [later, after dinner. Pat's typing his usual letter home.] Pat: [voice over] Well, bro, except for a close call with a mentally unstable girl, nothing much really happened today. It seems that Kuno has a younger sister, Kodachi. I really didn't talk much with her, thankfully, but I did get the impression that she's the type that would pluck the wings off butter- flies. As if he didn't have enough problems (or girlfriends), Ranma also has to deal with Kodachi, who's crazy (emphasis on crazy) about him. Well, there's nothing much else to say. Oh, by the way. I'm going to enter a martial arts contest in a few days. Apparently, the Principal of Furinkan High School found that he was short a bit on the budget. So, he's having a kind of "winner is the best martial artist" deal. All the ticket sales go to what I call the "booster club." I suspect that there are only so many trips to Hawaii included on the current budget, and he's used them all up. (trans: he's covering his rear for his expenses.) I wouldn't be surprised, however, if I see Nabiki scalping tickets for all the good seats. Well, it might be fun, providing they have referees to keep it under control. Gotta go, bro. Pat. [The next morning, at Furinkan High School.] Pat: So, do you think I can start practicing with you two for the contest? Ranma: Why? You're already a pretty good fighter. Pat: Well, people can always learn new things, can't they? Besides, while I may be good at what I know, I really don't know that much. It's better if I have a variety of moves so that I can be less predictable to an opponent. Ranma: You know, you sound a bit like my dad. Pat: Really? Ranma: Right before he dropped me into a pit of hungry cats. Pat: Ouch. Akane: Ouch is right. To this day, Ranma still doesn't like cats. Ranma: Akane! Akane: Well, it's true, isn't it? [They hear, in the distance a very wicked cackle. It comes nearer and we see the source: Kodachi.] Ranma: Uh-oh...[looks for some place to hide. He can't find one.] [Kodachi lands, and throws bouquets to Ranma, Akane, and Pat.] Kodachi: I've heard about the contest coming on Friday. I just came to wish all of you good luck...you'll need it. Especially you, Akane. [points the ribbon handle at her.] [with that, she swirls her ribbon, and makes her usual rose-laden exit.] Pat: [slowly] That is one wicked lady. [afterschool, Ranma is helping Pat train for the contest. After a few, simple moves, they both decide to go for something a bit more challenging.] Ranma: All right. You seem to have the basics down, but do you know any advanced moves? Pat: Well, you already know about my Hurricane Kick and the Nuke Attack. I've been working on something that's a little more...defensive. Ranma: What's that? Pat: It's called the Dragon's Scale Shield. Theoretically, it should be impervious to most conventional and a few magical attacks. Ranma: Theoretically? Pat: I've never really tried it against an opponent. Ranma: Well, here's your chance. Pat: Okay. [concentrates for a moment] DRAGON'S SCALE SHIELD! [a glowing blue field begins to form in front of Pat. It coalesces, gaining more defini- tion. The final form is much like a medieval shield.] Okay, fire away, Ranma. Ranma: CRACKLING FIRE SPEED FIST! [Ranma's fists begin to blur and impact on the shield. His punches have no effect, other than...] Ow ow ow ow ow ow! [stops punching and kneads his knuckles] What is that thing made of? Pat: Beats me, but I think that it's an extension of my ki. [drops the shield] What did it feel like? Ranma: [shaking his hand] Like trying to punch through a block of steel... a THICK block. Pat: [brightens] Well, at least I know that it works, now. Ranma: Maybe, but do you think it'll stand up to one of Ryoga's ki-blasts? Pat: Ryoga's what? Ranma: One of these...ROARING LION BULLET! [fires an energy blast] Pat: Whoa! [dodges the blast] Geez, give a guy some warning, will you? Ranma: Ryoga won't. Pat: Good point. Okay, let's try that again. DRAGON'S SCALE SHIELD! [once again, the shield forms in front of Pat] Ranma: ROARING LION BULLET! [the energy blast hits Pat's shield. Unfortunately, due to its angle, the blast rebounds off the shield to take out part of the roof.] Oops. Pat: Y'know, that little trick of yours is kinda neat. How do you do that? [Ranma briefly explains how to form both the Roaring Lion Bullet and the Fierce Tiger Domineering. Pat, however, is unsuccessful at both, even after several tries.] Ranma: No, what you've gotta do is to think of something that'll get you really ticked off. Pat: I can't think of a thing, offhand. Ranma: Well, how about something that made your family did to make you mad? Pat:....No, I had a pretty stable family life. Ranma: Well, how about something that you were pretty proud of, like maybe a good report card or something? Pat: I don't think that'll work. I was just a slightly better than average student. Ranma: [straining to think of ideas] Well, try this. You're the only one in your family, besides your brother, to master a martial art. Pat: Well, that's true. Ranma: So, you have something to be proud of. Pat: Not really. You see, I'm just good, not great at street fighting. [Just then, Akane enters the dojo.] Akane: Well, how's the training going? Ranma: He wanted me to show him how to fire a ki-blast. Akane: And? Ranma: [sighs] Pat, I hate to say this, but... Pat: Go ahead. Ranma: You're too nice and patient for the Roaring Lion Bullet, and too modest for the Fierce Tiger Domineering. Pat: Hmm...Whoever thought that being well-adjusted could be hampering? Hey, has anybody seen Nabiki around? Akane: Yeah, she's upstairs in her room. Y'know, I thought I saw her with quite a few tickets in her hand. Pat: [groans] That figures. They're probably all front-row seats that she's going to scalp. Excuse me. [heads inside the house] [cut to Nabiki's room. She's examining several tickets.] Nabiki: Let's see now, front row, front row...ooh! Front row, middle aisle ticket. I'll have to charge extra for this one. Pat: [knocks on the Nabiki's door] Nabiki? May I come in, please? Nabiki: [thinking] Oh, shoot, it's Pat! [shoves the tickets under her pill- ow] Pat: And take those tickets out from under your pillow... Nabiki: [thinking] Geez, how did he know? [starts to put the tickets under her bed] Pat: And don't even think about putting them under your bed. Nabiki: [thinking] What is this guy, a mind-reader? Pat: No, I'm not a mind-reader, I just happen to know you very well. May I come in? Nabiki: What do you want? Pat: I want to talk about the odds on certain people in the contest. Nabiki: Odds? [opens her door] You just said the magic word. Are you thinking about making a bet? Pat: No, I want to know the odds of my defeating certain people in the contest. Nabiki: Well, why do you need these odds? Pat: [sitting down on a chair] There's an old saying, "Know your enemy and know yourself, and you will always be victorious." Well, I know myself pretty well. Now, all I need to know are the people I'm going to fight. Do you hap- pen to have a list of people in the contest? Nabiki: Well, I've got it right here. What's it worth to you? Pat: Well, how about 200 yen? Nabiki: Come on! It's worth more than that! Pat: 400 yen? Nabiki: Nope. How about trying around the 800 yen mark? Pat: You're getting greedy, you know. Nabiki: I don't think so. [grins] Pat: [to himself] I hate to do this, but... [to Nabiki] Well, what's it worth to you for me not to tell Akane about what happened to her favorite blouse? Nabiki: [nervously] Wh-what are you talking about? Pat: Remember last Sunday when you borrowed her blouse? Well, I happen to know that the blouse she has now isn't the one you borrowed. I remember seeing you accidentally get it splattered with mud, squirted with mustard, splattered with oil, and had paint smeared on it. I also seem to recall you going to the store and buying another one, only it was a size too small. And, I seem to recall Akane trying it on, with little luck, and Ranma said that she was getting fat, am I right? So, I wonder, what would happen if it were to slip, quite accidentally, what really happened to her blouse? Why, I think you'd have a mess on your hands, now wouldn't you? And, I just happen to have several pictures of said stains on said blouse...[takes out some pictures] Nabiki: [frustrated] All right, all right! Take the darn list! Take anything you want! Just don't tell them! [hands him the list] Pat: Thank you. Oh, by the way. [hands the pictures to her] These are my vacation shots. Enjoy! [leaves] Nabiki: [fuming] Why that, that---[thinks] That's actually not bad for an amateur. The kid's got potential. Pat: [outside her door] Yech! My stomach's going to be turning for a week! [to himself] I never was cut out to blackmail people. [looks at the list] Let me see now, there's Ranma, Akane, me, Ukyo, Kuno, Kodachi...Kodachi? She's actually sane enough to fight? Hmm...there's also Shampoo, (uh-oh) Mousse, (he could actually see well enough to sign the form?) and Ryoga (he found his way to the school? Amazing! But, he's going to be one tough customer.) [walks over to his/Ranma's room, where the latter is standing on his head.] Ranma: Whaddya have there, Pat? Pat: A list of possible match-ups in the contest, and the probable odds. For instance, this list says that if you and I were to fight, the odds would be even money, same as if you or I fight Ryoga. Ranma: [rolling out of the headstand and taking a look at the list] This looks like Nabiki's handwriting. Pat: It is. Ranma: How much did she charge you for it? Pat: Nothing. Ranma: Nothing? Pat: Yup. Ranma: How'd you do that? She *never* gives away stuff for free. Pat: You seem to forget that I know Nabiki better than most people. We simply sat down and had a nice, rational chat, and out of the goodness of her heart, she gave it to me. Ranma: You blackmailed her, didn't you? Pat: [clears his throat] Not exactly. It's more like I bluffed my way through but, for all intents and purposes, I guess you could call it that. Ranma: [smiling] You know, I never thought I'd see the day when she'd get a taste of her own medicine. Good job, Pat! Pat: [mumbling] Thanks, but I feel guilty. Ranma: Why? Pat: Because I think of myself as being pretty honest. I don't like lying, even if I have to. Ranma: Well, there is such a thing as being too honest, you know. Pat: Oh, this from a guy who likes using sneaky moves when he fights. Ranma: Hey, it works. Pat: [sighs and rubs his temples.] This is gonna be a bit messier than I thought. I mean, I don't want to fight you, Akane, your friend Ukyo, or Shampoo. What am I supposed to do, knock you or Akane out? I can't do that! If I win against Shampoo, you say that I'll have to marry her, and if I lose, I'm gonna feel like I lost to her on purpose. Ranma: Well, you could always tie with her. Pat: I don't think that'll be possible for two reasons. First, she probably won't cooperate with me, as it's kinda hard to end a fight in a tie when you're trying to beat your opponent's brains out. Second, I don't think a tie's going to do much for school spirit. Hmm...wait a minute here. Ranma: What? Pat: Well, according to the scriptures of her village, if she's defeated by a male outsider, she has to marry him. However, if she's defeated by a female outsider, she gives her the kiss of death, right? Ranma: Well, yeah. I've experienced both of those. Pat: So, technically, I'm not an outsider. We're both Chinese, and therefore, I don't have to worry about marrying her. It's a stretch, I know, but I'll take what I can get. Ranma: You're lucky. Pat: How's that? Ranma: Well, you found a loophole for your situation. I'm just stuck in mine. Pat: Hey, it could be worse. Ranma: Really? How so? Pat: Well, your dad could have fixed you up with Akane, Nabiki, and Kasumi at the same time. Ranma: Pat, even my dad's not stupid enough to have me commit polygamy. He's close, but not quite. [That night, after dinner, the phone rings and Kasumi gets it.] Kasumi: Hello? You're looking for Pat? May I ask who's calling? I see. Would you hold on for a moment, please? [calls out] Pat! Pat: [runs down the stairs] Yes? Kasumi: There's someone on the phone who wants to talk to you. Pat: [thinking] Who could know I'm here? [to Kasumi] Who is it? Kasumi: It's someone named Beth. She says she's your sister. Pat: [ashen] Did you say Beth, my sister? Kasumi: That's right. Is something wrong? Pat: [clears his throat, but he's still flustered] Uh, well, I'll explain it later. [thinking] "Into the jaws of death rode the three hundred." [aloud] H-hello? Beth: Pat, hi! Guess who it is? Pat: [downhearted] Beth. Beth: [slightly sarcastic] Oh, don't get all excited, little brother. Anyways, I had some vacation time coming and I decided to check out how you were doing. And, I also have a little "care package" from Phil to deliver to you. Pat: Why didn't you just mail it over? Beth: What, with the postal service so messed up? I'd rather deliver it in person and keep an eye on you. [snickers] Pat: Beth! I'm sixteen! I don't need to be kept an eye on! Beth: Oh, this from a guy who blushes whenever he sees the slightest bit of female- Pat: BETH! [turns bright red. Ranma and Akane look over at Pat as if to say, "What's with him?"] Beth: Well, I'm staying at a nearby hotel. I'll meet you at your school tomorrow. Pleasant dreams. [chuckles] Pat: [hangs up the phone, shuddering] KYAAAAA! [regains his composure (somewhat)] Ahem. Ranma: What was that all about? Pat: [very embarassed] My older sister's in town. [thinking] God have mercy on me. Akane: Your sister? You never mentioned that you had an older sister. Pat: Believe me, Akane, if you had an older sister like Beth, you'd never mention her to anyone! Akane: Why, what's wrong with her? Pat: [represses another shudder] She embarasses me. She simply delights in embarassing me. She practically lives to make me blush like there's no tomorrow. Akane: Oh, come on. She can't be that bad. Pat: [laughs ruefully] You don't know her. Ever since I turned 13, she's been...slipping stuff in various places. Ranma: Stuff? Pat: Well, there was the occasional Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue dropped casually in my lap from behind. There was also the Playboy strategically placed on my bed. I still get the shudders when I remember the Penthouse oh so innocently placed under my pillow. Finally, there was the Victoria's Secrets catalog carefully folded within the confines of my bath towel... Ranma: I get the point. Akane: Your sister is....weird. Ranma: And how old is she? Pat: She's 22, and she always calls me either "little brother" or "baby brother," or if she's in a particularly malicious mood, "diaper breath." She also can be a little...indiscreet. Akane: Indiscreet? Pat: All right, so she can be a sharp-tongued shrew! Ranma: Oh boy. [pats Pat's shoulder reassuringly.] And I thought I had troubles! Pat: Gee, thanks. [takes a deep breath] Well, my best chance of avoiding her is to get to school really early and leave just as early. Maybe then, I can spare myself abject humiliation. Akane: Pat, she's your sister! She's the only sister you have! Pat: She may be the only sister I have, but if I could, I'd ask, no,beg, the Creator to trade her for a much sweeter person. Kasumi: Oh, come on. She sounded so nice over the phone. Pat: To paraphrase the Joker, [does a Jack Nicholson imitation] "Wait'll you get a load of her!" [later that evening, Pat is feverishly typing his letter home.] Pat: [voice over] Dear Phil, this is going to be a brief letter. WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT BETH WAS COMING OVER? Everything was going just fine over here until she just called. Oh, sure, I had to bluff my way with Nabiki to get something, but that was nothing compared to my shock when our dear sister just calls me up. [takes a couple of deep breaths] Okay, I'm done with my ranting, raving and hyperventilating. Anyways, nothing much happened except that I was practicing with Ranma for the contest on Friday. Oh, by the way. I finally managed to perfect that defensive technique I've been working on. It looks pretty cool, and it works great. I'll show it to you when I get home (that is, if I'm still sane by then). Later, Pat. [cut to the next day. Pat, Akane, and Ranma are walking to school. Pat has discreetly sandwiched himself between Akane and Ranma, fearing the worst.] Pat: See her yet? Akane: This is kinda silly. She's your sister! Pat: That's exactly why she gets to me! If she were a stranger, it wouldn't bother me half as bad. But, she's my sister, and she always will be. [shudders] Geez, I'm depressed. Ranma: She must be pretty intimidating looking to reduce you to a spineless jellyfish. Pat: No, she's only 5'4, but she's very, very feisty. I once commented on how tall I was. You know what she said? Ranma and Akane: What? Pat: She said that she could reach all she needed to. [they reach the gates of Furinkan High School.] Any sign of her, yet? Ranma: No, but we don't even know what she looks like. Pat: You'll know. She'll be a short girl waving around a dirty magazine just to embarass me. Akane: You know, I think Shampoo would like her. They both seem so... uninhibited. Pat: Well, she does have morals. They're just not immediately evident. [looks around and sighs with relief] She's not here. I'm in the clear! [cut to lunchtime. Pat's still so nervous about his sister, he's shaking. Buying his lunch, he plows into Kuno, spilling his lunch all over him. Pat doesn't even spare a look backward.] [cut to the end of school. Pat is, once again, huddled between Ranma and Akane. However, his effort's in vain as...] Beth: [waving a rolled-up magazine] Hey, "baby brother!" Pat: [literally jumps out from between Ranma and Akane and starts sprinting] GYAAAA! Beth: [catches up with him] Oh, come on over here, ya big baby! Pat: [resigned, facing Beth] Aheh. Hi. Beth: [cocky] Hi, yourself. You weren't trying to run away from me, now were you? Pat: Well, the thought had occurred to me. [Ranma and Akane are in shock. Beth is definitely shorter and more petite of build than Pat. However, this is the terror that frightens the 5'6 lean Pat into a frenzy.] Akane: This...is your sister? Pat: [trembling] What do you think? Beth: [waves cheerfully] Hi! [just then, Kuno, cleaned up, approaches Pat & co. He looks rather disturbed (in more ways than one)] Kuno: Gaijin... Beth: [icily] What did you say? Kuno: Who are you? Beth: [sarcastically] What's it to you? Kuno: What matters is that he has, again, offended my honor! [to Pat] I am glad that you are in the contest Friday. You can die conveniently, then. Beth: Hmph. Honor, or ego? No one lays a hand on my brother...Except me. Kuno: [annoyed] Who is this...woman? Pat: [takes the opportunity to introduce them] Ah, Beth, this is Kuno. Kuno, Beth. He happens to be the captain of the kendo team. (hint, hint) Beth: I've heard of you...[smirks] Kuno: Really? How so? Beth: So, you're the guy who needs to get a *real* sword. Kuno: [frustrated] Why, you---! If I do not have qualms against fighting the fairer sex--- Beth: What kind of qualms? Losing your pants in a fight? [grins evilly] [Ranma and Akane are watching this conversation, much like one watches a tennis match. Ranma is expecting Kuno to go berserk while Akane is impressed with her repertoire.] Pat: [to Beth] Beth, this is not a good idea. He's been known to fly off the handle. Beth: You don't say... [Pat can see the gleam in her eyes] Pat: [to himself] Uh-oh. Kuno's had it. Beth: Do you know the meaning of the word "no?" Kuno: [puzzled] What do you mean? Pat: [inwardly groans] Kuno, you'd better just stop talking to her right now, because... Kuno: SILENCE! [waves his bokken at Pat] Pat: Okay. Don't say I didn't warn you. Beth: Well, do you? Kuno: Of course I do! I'm not stupid, you know. Beth: [to Akane] Say something with the word "no" in it. Try something you've always wanted to say to him. Akane: Oh, I couldn't... Beth: Of course you could. Go on, say something. Akane: [takes a deep breath] Upperclassman Kuno, there is *no* way I'm going on a date with you, even if you were the last man on earth! Kuno: [sniffs, then turns on Beth] You did this to her, you... Beth: [tapping Kuno with the rolled-up magazine] Down, boy. Sit! Roll over! Play dead! Pat: [to himself] I don't know who to feel more sorry for, me or Kuno. Kuno: I have had enough of this! [raises his bokken] Beth: [sighs, then whaps Kuno over the head with the magazine. She finishes up by kicking him right where it counts.] I said *down*, boy! Kuno: [bent over] ..... [collapses] Pat: [to Kuno] I told you to quit while you were ahead. [to himself] Great, now I have to talk to her! I'm dead. Ranma and Akane:...... [they're both bug-eyed at how easily Beth took out Kuno.] Ranma: Were you ever into the martial arts? Beth: No, why? Akane: Wh-why? You just knocked out the school kendo champion! Beth: [looking down at Kuno] Really? He was a champion? Ranma: Y'know, your brother did the same thing when he first came here. Pat: Yeah, well, I didn't let him have it in his nether regions, you know. I do have some standards. Beth: Weenie. Pat: I am not a weenie! I just happen to think that you don't have to resort to kicking a guy in the...ahem, you know, to knock him out! Beth: Well, it works, doesn't it? [grins evilly] Kuno: [trying to get up, falsetto] I... Beth: Need to get a *real* sword! Pat: You'd better quit while you're down, Kuno. It only gets worse from here on in. [Kuno collapses again.] Beth: [tosses the magazine to Pat] Oh, here little brother. This is for you. Pat: [catches the magazine and cautiously opens it] A video game magazine? Beth: What were you expecting? Pat: Well, given your past record...ah, never mind. [opens the magazine] Beth: Oh, there's a nice poster in the middle. Pat: [gets nervous] Really? [turns to the middle to find Miss September in all her glory] AWK! [immediately closes the magazine and starts shredding it] How could you do this? And in front of my friends, yet? Well, friends and a jerk, anyways. [Beth is too busy laughing her head off for a coherent reply. Kuno's eyes seem to have gotten bigger as he spies the pieces of Miss September gently floating over him.] Beth: You still haven't changed, little brother. You still go crazy whenever you see just a little bit of female... Pat: BETH! Ranma: Hey, I thought that you said that you couldn't think of anything your family did to make you so embarrassed. Pat: Well, the last week and a half has been kind to me. I managed to forget all about her. [shudders] Until now. Beth: [cheerfully] Next victim! So, you mind if I see where you've been living for the last week and a half? Akane: No. Ranma: Yes! Pat: GYAAAA! [regains his composure] Umm, it's just your average martial arts school. [to Akane] Sorry about that. Beth: CHICKEN! [starts clucking, then inadvertantly steps on Kuno] Kuno: [falsetto] Ouch. Pat: Sis, it's bad enough you beat him, do you have to walk all over him? Beth: I thought I stepped in some kind of scum. [removes her foot] Let me know when your voice returns to normal, whenever that is. Pat: [to Ranma and Akane] Now you know why I freaked out. Any more questions? Ranma: Are you sure she's related to you? She doesn't seem a bit like you. Pat: Yes, she's related. Various tests have proved that, sadly. Beth: [whaps him playfully on the head.] Stiff. [The four of them start walking home. Kuno struggles to get up, but is still bent over ninety degrees. Beth shoots a look over her shoulder, and Kuno plays dead.] ********************************************************* [They enter the house, where Kasumi is making some tea.] Akane: ...and this is the house. That's about all there is. [the group is greeted by the squeals of P-chan. Akane picks him up and hugs him in the usual way.] P-chan, this is Beth, Pat's sister. Beth: Cute pig. Is it a he or a she? Akane: It's a he. Beth: [playfully] Figures. [The comment flies right over Akane's head, but P-chan seems a bit peeved. He starts squealing at Beth much like the time he squealed at Pat.] Akane: You want to hold him? Beth: Sure, why not? [Akane hands over P-chan to Beth. P-chan seems to be sweating in the presence of this strange girl, and with good reason.] So, how long have you had him? Akane: Oh, a couple of months. Beth: [while playing with P-chan] Have you ever considered getting him, y'know, fixed? [Ranma, Pat, and P-chan turn pale at the thought. P-chan starts struggling in Beth's arms] Beth: It was just a thought. [laughing] Look at your faces. You'd think a man was getting castrated or something. [Ranma and Pat breathe a sigh of relief, but P-chan is still unnerved.] [Beth gives the piglet back to Akane, after giving him a little squeeze. A large panda comes lumbering in and casually seats himself at the table.] Kasumi: Oh, how was your walk, Mr. Saotome? Panda: [sign] Oh, it was all right. Could I have some tea, please? Kasumi: Certainly. [pours him a cup] Beth: [to Pat] Who's he? Pat: Well, it's a long story. Beth: Shorten it. Pat: Okay. This is Ranma's father, Genma Saotome. Beth: Yeah, right. And boys can turn into girls, right? [Ranma starts twitching uncomfortably.] Beth: What's with you? Ranma: Uh, well, [clears his throat] not under normal circumstances, but... [trails off] Beth: [looks at Ranma] But...? Ranma: But...[starts sweating profusely.] Pop, help me out here! Panda: [sign] Well, what am I supposed to say? She's got you cornered. Akane: ...just like Pat, right? Ranma: Well... [gives Pat a "help!" look] Pat: Well, let's just say that circumstances occurred to give Mr. Saotome a coat of fur. Beth: [disbelieving tone] You don't say...[pauses] So, how did it happen? Pat: Well...magic. Beth: Magic? Pat: What else can I say, sis? Beth: [shrugs] Why not? [to Panda] What'd you do, pick on a witch? Panda:... [Ranma sighs, relieved that the attention's been switched from him to the Panda.] Pat: [changing the subject] Well, I don't know about you but, I need a break from all this constantly thinking about the contest. Is there anything, well, fun in this town? Ranma: You've been in this town for almost two weeks and you don't know what's fun? Pat: I mean, other than eating at the Nekohanten or breaking up fights between you and...whoever. [Ranma and P-chan start giving dirty looks to each other.] Akane: Well, there's the indoor skating rink. [Both Ranma and the pig's eyes start bugging out.] Ranma: [glares at Akane] Akane, do you remember what happened the last time we went ice skating? Akane: As I recall, you *did* learn how to skate. Ranma: Yeah, and I also got...[remembers that Beth's there] into a fight with that playboy, Mikado Sanzenin. Beth: [to Pat, whispering] Boy, you weren't kidding. He really does get into a lot of fights. Pat: [whispering back] Tell me about it. [to Ranma] Oh, c'mon, Ranma. The guy's probably not even there. Besides, it's the middle of spring. There won't be that many people there. Ranma: Well....[thinks for a while] you're probably right. Pat: [smiling] No, I'm definitely Pat. Beth: [smacks him across the back of his head] Bad joke. Pat: [to Ranma and Akane] Anyway, do either of you want to come along? Ranma: Sure. Someone's got to keep you out of trouble. Pat: [frowns] Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence. What about you, Akane? Akane: Why not? Beth: [curious] So, what's there to do at the skating rink? Ranma: [thinks] I'm definitely going along if she's going. I'd like to see how Mikado Sanzenin deals with her. [to Beth] Oh, nothing much. Beth: Oh. Then I guess I'll grab a magazine on the way there, and keep someone out of trouble. [looks at her younger brother pointedly] Pat: BETH! Beth: Don't you "Beth!" me! You almost got whacked by someone who needed a real sword, remember? [Ranma snickers.] Pat: For your information, I didn't get whacked-- Beth: That's 'cause I whacked him first! Pat: No, you didn't! [murmurs] I'm not really proud of it, though. [Beth looks away in disgust.] [Several arguments/discussions later, Ranma, Akane, P-chan, Pat and Beth are on their way to the skating rink. Along the way, Beth buys a Cosmopolitan and starts to show a particularly embarassing article to her brother. He reacts by looking the other way, blushing, and clearing his throat, in that order. They arrive at the rink. Pat notices several workmen filling a pool outside the rink.] Pat: [to one of the men] Isn't it a bit early to be going swimming? Man#1: Well, it's been so warm lately that the boss told us to start filling it up. [Pat shrugs his shoulders. The group works its way inside. As predicted, there are very few people around. On the rink we see a couple working on some of their moves, along with a few loners. Everyone except P-chan and Beth go to the front desk to get their skates.] Akane: Would you mind holding on to P-chan? [hands the pig to Beth.] Beth: Okay. [sits down at a table and starts reading her magazine with P- chan on her lap. The latter is understandably scared stiff about this weird girl. Feeling his tension, she absent-mindedly pats him on the head.] Don't worry, I'm not a vet. [P-chan relaxes slightly.] [Everyone returns with their skates and start putting them on. After they cruise around the rink, they see a disturbing sight: the male half of the couple turns out to be...] Ranma: Uh-oh. Pat: What? Ranma: It's that guy over there. That's Mikado Sanzenin. Pat: Who's he? Ranma: He's the guy who...[whispers in his ear]. Pat: Ah. [looking over in Beth's direction.] It looks like he's headed in Beth's direction. Ranma: This should be interesting. Pat: You could say that. [Mikado is gliding his way over to Beth's table, where she's reading her magazine. He hops off the ice and heads over to her.] Mikado: [oozing charm] Excuse me, but haven't we met before? Beth: [peering over the top of her magazine] Should we have? [switch to Pat and Ranma's point of view.] Pat: [in a Harry Carey voice] Here's the pitch...[Mikado is trying to sweet- talk Beth] the windup...[Beth grabs Mikado by the shirt front. It looks like the two are about to kiss at any moment. Then, rude reality, in the form of Beth's magazine, hits. She smacks him hard with her magazine.] and it's a foul ball for Mikado! [Ranma and Akane start laughing their heads off.] [Beth nonchalantly returns to her magazine. She puts P-chan on the table. He blushes because she's reading a particularly personal article.] Mikado: What's so interesting about that magazine? Beth: It tells me how to deal with guys like you. I wouldn't want to take advantage of a baby. Mikado: [surprised] A wha--? Beth: A baby. You look like you're still in high school. Mikado: Well, that may be. There is, however, a universal language. [tries to kiss her again.] Beth: [disgusted] Oh, please. [switch back to Pat's point of view] Pat: I don't believe it. He's going after her *again*. Akane: So? She can take care of herself. Pat: Maybe so. [starts skating over to Beth and Mikado. The former is deftly avoiding the latter's lunges. Pat looks back at Ranma and Akane.] I can't let her have *all* the fun, can I? [smiles] Beth: [beginning to show signs of irritation] Go away. Mikado: But I merely want to...apologize for my earlier behavior. Beth: You would use any excuse to kiss a girl, wouldn't you? Mikado: Excuse is such a vulgar word. I prefer to use...opportunity. [leans over to kiss her. Before he gets far, though, Pat hops off the ice and knocks Mikado's head several times. The latter turns around.] Who are you? Pat: [slightly smirking] Opportunity knocking. May I ask what you're doing with my sister? [Beth gives Pat a look that says, "Go away, I can handle myself." Pat raises an eyebrow as if to say, "Oh, really? Then how come you're in this mess?"] Mikado: Your sis--? [takes a good look at Beth] Ah, your younger sister, no doubt. Pat: [flabbergasted] My wha--? [Upon hearing this, Beth starts to fume.] Mikado: [turns his back to Beth in order to face Pat.] Well, look at you two. She's obviously the less experienced sibling. [Beth puts down her magazine and starts slowly creeping up to Mikado. Pat tries not to notice.] I would like your permission to take her out. Pat: [thinking] This guy's a goner. [to Mikado] There are two things you need to straighten out. First of all, she's my *older* sister. Secondly... [Beth grabs Mikado's pants and gives him a wedgie.] Mikado: [eyes bugging out] !!!!!! Pat: ...she doesn't need my permission for anything. [Ranma and Akane have been watching this scene with interest. P-chan is very surprised at how Beth deals with Mikado, and scoots to the edge of the table, almost falling off.] Mikado: [recovering from the "assault"] You spoiled my chance at possibly kissing a girl. Nobody's ever done that! Pat: [somewhat cockily] Well, I'm not exactly nobody, you know. Beth: [to no one in particular] I'm going outside. [irritably walks out, grabbing P-chan and her magazine.] [Mikado tries chasing after her, only to be persued by Pat. Beth halts in mid-stride, pivots on her heel, and doesn't wait for Mikado to catch up to her. He does, with Pat close behind.] Beth: Go away! Mikado: Oh, come on. It'd be a real crime not to kiss a cute girl like you. Pat: Okay, that does it! You want to pester my sister, you're gonna have to go through me, first. Mikado: Is that a challenge? Pat: [slowly] What do you think? Mikado: Fine. We fight next week at my school, Kolkhoz high. Pat: No problem there. [thinking] Of course, I'm not going to be around next week, but he doesn't know that. [to Mikado] Would you care to discuss the rules on the rink? [goes into the ice. Mikado follows.] Now, let's get some things straight, shall we? Mikado: What is there to talk about? You challenged me, I accepted, and we fight next week. It will be a one-on-one skating match. Pat: I see. [pauses] I was just wondering if we were going to be fighting by "hockey rules" or not. Mikado: [confused] "Hockey rules?" Pat: Well, if we were playing by "hockey rules," I'd be able to do *this* [knees him in the gut. Mikado bends over, both hurt and surprised.] and *this*, [trips him] maybe a bit of this, [as Mikado gets up, Pat gives him a body check against the wall. The former crumples down. Mikado struggles to get back on his feet. Pat resumes his one-sided conversation (and fight) when Mikado is barely on his feet, pushing himself away from the wall.] and maybe just a teeny bit of this. [skates behind Mikado, somersaults over him, and, while in mid-air, grabs Mikado's shoulders. Landing, Pat flips his adversary so that the latter's back meets the ice, hard. Mikado is out cold. Pat skids to a stop.] Although, y'know, maybe that last part was a bit on the borderline, what do you think? [gets no response] Gee, you don't look so good. Maybe we should forget the whole thing. [still no response] I'll take that as a yes. [cheerfully] See ya! [skates over to where Ranma and Akane are.] Ranma: What was that all about? Pat: Oh, nothing much. I challenged him, he accepted, and I was just explaining some rules to him. Akane: What kind of rules involve slamming him to the ice? Not that he didn't deserve every bit of it. Pat: I was just telling him what someone could do while playing by "hockey rules." Ranma: "Hockey rules?" Pat: [smiling] It's an oxymoron. There are very few things one can't do in hockey. Akane: [somewhat concerned] Pat, that was the most vicious I've ever seen you. Were you going to...? Pat: [looks at her] Akane, I've already told you. I don't kill or maim. [smirks] He'll be sore for about a month, but he'll be all right. Besides, what am I supposed to do, let him try to kiss my sister? Akane: She seems like she can take care of herself. Pat: [mumbling] Yeah, well. You know what? Ranma and Akane: What? Pat: Even though she drives me crazy, and even though she'll turn me gray before my time, she's still my sister. This whole bit with Mikado wouldn't drive me half as crazy if it were someone I didn't know. Ranma and Akane: ...... [the three skate over to where Beth is waiting. Her mood seems to be that of irritation. They make their way off the ice.] Pat: So, I guess you saw the whole thing, sis? Beth: [slightly sarcastic] How could I miss it? [crosses her arms] Little brother, I can take care of myself, thank you. [Pat raises an eyebrow.] And don't give me that eyebrow bit! You didn't leave anything for me! Pat: [while taking off his skates] Well, he's still over there by the wall, if you want to... Beth: No, it's not worth it. [to herself] I'll get him later. [by this time, Ranma and Akane have replaced their skates with shoes, and are heading back to the front desk. Mikado, supported by his skating partner, is almost dragged back to the table area. She takes off her skates and puts her shoes on.] Pat: [spies a stuffed animal vending machine] Hey! Hold up, people! I'm just going to try my luck with this thing. [The three stop while he inserts a coin and manipulates a claw-like apparatus to snag an adorable stuffed panda. He lifts the panda out of the machine. Mikado's partner, helping him up, spies the panda and drops Mikado flat on his face.] Girl: [squealing with delight while reaching for the stuffed panda] Jeanette! Jeanette! Pat: [surprised] What the--? [she continues to reach for the panda, but he's dodging her every try.] Akane: Oh, no...not her. Not Azusa Shiratori! [puts P-chan in her jacket.] Pat: Who? [continues to hold the stuffed panda out of her reach.] Hey, cut it out, will you? [to Akane] Who is this weird girl? Akane: [picking up P-chan] She collects cute things. And... Pat: And what? [by this time, Azusa has started trying to hit Pat with an ashtray. Pat sees this out of the corner of his eye and blocks her every time. After about four or five tries, he grabs the ashtray out of her hand.] Thanks, but I don't smoke. [flings the ashtray to another table] Akane: And she'll stop at nothing to get them. Pat: Uh-huh. [Azusa has switched to a chair. Like before, Pat simply grabs it out of her reach. He puts it down and sits on it.] Thanks. Azusa: ..... [heads for the table and picks that up.] Pat: [sees what she's doing and sighs] Oh, boy. [his eyes narrow as Azusa goes for a swing. Before anyone else can react, he turns around and grabs her arm. He says slowly,] Do you want to live? [Azusa, shocked by his speed, she can only nod.] Pat: [slowly] Then put that thing down, *now*. [She does, and then resumes trying to get the panda.] Azusa: Give me Jeanette! Give me Jeanette! [As usual, she doesn't get it. Pat gets a mischievious inspiration. A slow, malicious smile crosses his face, leaving Ranma and Akane a little unnerved. That was a look they'd only seen on Beth.] Pat: [gives the Panda to Beth] Hang on to this, will you, sis? I'll be back in a minute. [heads for the door and calls out] And if she goes for it, slug her! [Mikado has regained consciousness by this time, and is staggering over to Beth. She looks at him with utter disgust.] Beth: Oh, all right! You want a kiss? [Mikado, having had the stuffing pounded from him, can only nod.] Then close your eyes and pucker up. [He does, much to the surprise of everyone present. However, Beth has other ideas. She puts the panda in front of her so that Mikado's kissing it. Upon disengaging his lips, he looks shocked. She says pseudo-sweetly] Was it good for you, too? [Everyone's straining to hold their laughter.] [At about the same time that this is going on, Pat's outside checking the depth of the pool. The workmen have finished filling it and are gone for the day.] Pat: [mumbling to himself] Let me see now, 50 feet from the entrance to the rail, 10 foot drop, 12 foot deep water...[smiles] everything should work out just fine. [heads back inside to see everyone laughing at Mikado kissing a stuffed animal. He goes to Beth.] I'll take it back, sis. Beth: [hands it to him] It's all yours. Pat: [to Azusa] You want this? Azusa: Yes! It's so cuuuuute! Pat: Okay, fine. [throws the panda outside.] Catch! Azusa: Wah! [runs out to catch it. Pat strolls after her, apparently in no real hurry. The panda goes sailing over the pool and, as she tries to catch it, finds herself precariously balanced on a rail. Pat finds her like this and looks at her. Then, he looks at the pool. Finally, he looks at the panda safely on the other side of the pool.] Whoa! [Pat slaps her hard on her back, sending her into the pool screaming.] Waaauuuughh! SPLASH! Pat: [shouting] Atta girl! Go for what you want! Be assertive! [snickers to himself, then goes down to the pool. He nonchalantly picks up the panda on the other side. Ranma and Akane have just exited the rink, having heard the wail of a neurotic girl. Pat strolls over to Akane, who's holding P-chan, and gives her the panda.] Here you go. Akane: [brightens] Thanks. [looks at Azusa splashing around] Don't you think you should do something about her? Pat: [sighs and looks bored] Do I have to? [pauses] Oh, all right. [tosses a life preserver into the pool.] This wasn't exactly relaxing. I have to admit, though, [smirks] it was fun. [The group makes its way back to the Tendo house. They've made it just in time for dinner. Beth is somewhat surprised to see Kasumi cooking dinner and other domestic chores. Everyone (except Beth) gets seated.] Beth: Hey, how come she's doing all the housework? Pat: [gets up] Uhh...sis, can we talk for a sec? [to everyone else] I'll be right back. [takes her to his/Ranma's room. The following conversation takes place in English.] The reason why she's doing all the work is because [pauses] Mrs. Tendo died a couple of years back. There's no one else *to* do the job. Beth: [somewhat amazed] You mean she actually put her life on hold just to keep the family together? Pat: Yeah. Y'know, with all the crazy things going on around here... Beth: [smirking] Like what's-his-name who needs a real sword? Pat: Something like that. Anyways, it's nice to know that somebody's relatively normal in this place. Beth: So, you're saying that you're weird. [grins] Pat: No, I mean that, compared to her, I'm the second most normal person around here. Beth: Hmph. It's amazing. Pat: What? Beth: You're actually relaxed around me. Usually you'd be sprinting away from me. Pat: I tried that before. It didn't work. No, I'm just wary. Beth: Uh huh. [remembers something] Oh, by the way. [digs in her purse to reveal several books.] These are from Phil. [hands them to Pat.] Pat: My sci-fi books! I knew I forgot something when I packed my suitcase. [becomes wary] You didn't put anything in these, did you? Beth: [looks skyward, semi-innocently] No..but, I *could* accomodate you. [glances over at Pat, smirking.] Pat: [to himself] I'm not taking any chances. [shakes the books and flips the pages, revealing several, uh, interesting pictures. Pat responds by groaning and by massaging his temples.] Ranma: [shouting from the parlor] Hey, Pat! Hurry it up, will ya? I'm starving! Pat: [calling out] I'll be there in a minute! [They make their way back to the table. Beth notices that P-chan is absent.] Beth: Hey, where's your piglet? Akane: Hmm? Well, I just put him down for a minute, and the next thing you know, he's gone. Beth: Sounds like he had a personal agenda. Pat: [to himself] You don't know just *how* personal. [Just then, Ryoga enters. Beth notices his bandanna.] Beth: So, have you thought about getting P-chan fixed? I know this great vet back in the States. She even told me how they do it. [Ryoga turns pale as Beth goes into rather graphic detail on the procedure. Ranma is stifling his laughter as Pat is wide-eyed at the thought. Everyone else at the table seems to have had their appetites diminished considerably.] ...and eventually, it shrivels up to nothing with disuse. [Beth grins evilly. Ryoga keels over (gee, I wonder why? :-) ) Beth glances over at him.] What's with him? You'd think that *he* was about to get-- Pat: AHEM! Thanks for the...uh, anecdote, sis. I think you've just killed everyone's appetite. Beth: It's the truth. That's how they do it. [smirks] Pat: Yeah, but did you have to describe it in such...detail? [By this time, Ryoga has recovered. He gets up, slightly annoyed.] Ryoga: [slowly] Who *are*--- Beth: [points to his bandanna] P-chan! Ryoga: [thinking that she's pointing to him] WHAT? [Ranma's eyes have now taken the shape of ping pong balls as he watches Ryoga and Beth, slack-jawed. Pat has just choked on his rice.] Pat: AK---[receives a sharp blow in the back from Ranma, relieving the former. Unfortunately, Pat has just spit his rice at Ryoga's face.] Uh oh. Ryoga: [wipes the mess of his face.] Pat, you are... Beth: Now I remember where I've seen that bandanna before! It was on Akane's piglet! Since you share the same taste in bandannas as a pig, does that mean *you're* one? Ryoga: Huh? Uh, well, it's a very common pattern. Beth: [sarcastically] Yeah, right. Ryoga: It *is*! Beth: [smugly] My, my, aren't *we* defensive? Pat: [who's totally lost his appetite. He doesn't want to see the carnage that'll ensue.] 'Scuse me. [gets up and drags Ranma with him.] Ranma: [still holding his rice bowl] What--? Pat: Trust me, you *don't* want to see this. [the two go outside] Ranma: Why? If it's anything like Kuno or Mikado, it'll be entertaining! Pat: That's just the point. She doesn't have much...discretion. [From the parlor, we hear assorted sounds of frustration and malicious laugh- ter. By this time everyone else has left. They want to be clear of the line of fire. Beth and Ryoga are face to face. Ryoga is at the limits of his patience while Beth is just getting warmed up.] Ryoga: WHAAT?! YOU'RE COMPARING ME TO A PIG??!! Beth: [casually] Who's comparing? Ryoga: You must really hate men! It's no wonder you gave Mikado that... Beth: [we see a cunning light in her eyes] That I gave him what? Ryoga: Uuuhhh... Beth: Famous last words. Ryoga: [struggling] I mean, that you gave him...what he deserved. Yeah, that's right! You gave him his just desserts. Beth: Which was...? Ryoga: [realizes that he's just slipped up big time. Beth is just as observant as Pat. He finds this to be an extremely uncomfortable character- istic.] ....... Beth: [relishing every word.] You know, the only other witness was small, black, and had a bandanna *just* *like* *yours*. Pat: [seeing where this conversation is going, enters and drags Ranma with him. He's fumbling for an excuse to drag Ryoga out of this situation.] Uhh.. Beth: [highly amused] Ah, another famous orator! Pat: [clears his throat] I was just wondering...[quickly] Do you want to practice with Ranma and me in the dojo? Ranma: What? Practice with that pig? Beth: Uh *huh*. [Ryoga hears the finality in her voice and knows that she's made up her mind.] Ryoga: [smacks Ranma hard] Who's a pig?! Beth: [smirking and says mockingly] Oink oink oink. Pat: [notices that Ranma and Ryoga are going to fight. Again. He clears his throat and goes between them.] Guys, the dojo's outside. [hushed voice] Do either of you really want to see Beth at her worst? Ryoga: [wide-eyed] You mean she gets worse? Pat: Afraid so. [Ryoga trots off, eager to get away from her. Ranma follows him. He smiles lamely to Beth] Gotta keep an eye on these guys. Beth: [gives him a "tell me the truth" look. Pat shrugs as if to say, "I can't."] Uh *huh*. Pat: [exits while wiping a bead of sweat off his forehead.] Well, that was fun. [hears Beth call him from over his shoulder.] Beth: I'm gonna watch if you don't mind. Pat: [frantic] NO!!! [recovers] I mean, it's really very boring. Remember when you fell asleep during one of my practices? Beth: [smiling cheerfully] No. Pat: Oog. [He apparently has run out of excuses. He gets a worried look on his face as Beth grabs a glass of ice water.] You're not going to drink that in the dojo, are you? Beth: Why? Is there a rule against it? Pat: [lamely] Well, no... Beth: [smugly] Good. [They head over to the dojo where Ranma and Ryoga are fighting. As Beth sits down, we notice that Ryoga is slowly but surely losing against Ranma, as if she's giving him the "evil eye" or something.] Beth: Hey, guys! Cool off! [tosses the ice water at them. Ranma and Ryoga brace themselves. A SPLASH! is heard, and we see Beth's shocked face. Ranma and Ryoga prepare themselves for the worst, only to find that they're not girl and pig. Puzzled, they look over at Pat, who's between them and Beth. He's sopping wet. At the last minute, he intercepted the water before it reached them.] I didn't know you were *that* thirsty. Pat: [mops his face] Neither did I. Beth: [looks over at the other two] Something wrong? [notices that they seemed to be expecting something to happen after they got wet.] Ranma and Ryoga: [while waving their hands in front of themselves] Oh, no, nothing at all. [each gives a weak smile to Beth, then turn to the other.] Grrrrr. Beth: [shrugs and goes to return her glass.] See ya! I'm going back to the hotel. [All three men present breathe a collective sigh of relief. Beth sends them a wicked smile and laughs quietly to herself as she leaves.] Beth: [passes Akane on her way out.] Thanks for everything. Akane: You're welcome. [waves good-bye to Beth.] [Cut to later that night. Pat's typing his usual letter home. Ranma is doing a headstand on his futon and the Panda is already fast asleep.] Pat: [voice-over] Dear Phil. As usual, our dear sister made quite a splash. However, I have to admit, she did liven things up a bit. First, she kicked Kuno where it hurts (need I say more?). Then, she utterly humiliated this skater guy by giving him the king of wedgies. The expression on his face was priceless! BTW, thanks for the sci-fi books. I guess I forgot to pack them on the way here. That's about it, bro. [powers down his system and takes out one of the books that Beth gave him (sans dirty pictures, of course). We see the title: The Time Machine, by H.G. Wells. After reading it for a bit, he puts it down.] Ranma? Ranma: [still in a headstand] Yeah? Pat: [slightly irritated] Would you mind getting out of that headstand? I can't talk to people when they're upside-down. [Ranma shrugs and rolls out of the headstand.] You ever wish that you could travel in time? Ranma: I have. Pat: [raises an eyebrow] Really? How? Ranma: Well, Happosai's got this magic mirror. Pat: [somewhat puzzled] What does that have to do with time travel? Ranma: It's magic! Figure it out! Pat: He doesn't seem like the generous type. Ranma: He's not. In fact, I had to bribe him to use it. Pat: What could a dirty old man like that possibly want? Ranma: [barely audible] Pictures. Pat: Of what? [Ranma glares at him.] Uh huh. Well, that'd make sense. [The next day is a relatively uneventful one. As Ranma, Akane and Pat pass through the school gate, they notice that Kuno's shuffling, still bent over from his "close encounter" with Beth. Pat seems a bit distracted, as if he's mulling something over.] Ranma: Hey, Pat, you okay? [he doesn't respond] Hello, Earth to Pat. [still no response. Ranma takes a deep breath and...] HEY!!! Pat: [jumps nearly his height off the ground.] GYAA!! DON'T *DO* THAT!! Ranma: Well, now that I've got your attention, what're you thinking about? Pat: [glares at Ranma, then relents] I was thinking about "borrowing" that magic mirror you mentioned last night. Akane: What could you possibly use that old thing for? The last time Ranma had it, the cure to his curse was right there, only he didn't jump in! Pat: You didn't? Ranma: I FORGOT! Can you blame me? First, I changed my life so that I was never cursed. Then, I got to re-live the first couple of months that I was here. Pat: Did you remember what happened before? Ranma: Yeah. Pat: That doesn't seem so bad. Akane: [slightly sarcastic] Why don't you tell him about the part where I was supposed to die? Oh, my mistake, *one* of me! Ranma: You uncute bratty girl! If I knew that you'd be like this, I'd've never come back! Akane: I think I've heard about enough of this. [heads to the classroom.] Pat: I think you care about Akane, at least a little bit. Ranma: Yeah, right! Pat: No, really. Otherwise...Ah, never mind. Now, about that paradox...did you and Akane travel together? Ranma: Yeah, until we arrived on the day Pop and I came to the Tendo place. Then, I started having these weird dreams. Pat: About what? Ranma: [sighs] Akane. She was trapped in some kind of...non-time. She... died there. Pat: "Two objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time." In this case, I'd say that two souls couldn't occupy the same body. The Akane in the other timeline, I'm guessing, had "priority" over the Akane in this timeline when you changed it, thus ejecting "our" Akane into nowhere. Ranma: [impressed] Wow. And you say you're only an average student? Pat: [shrugs, then realizes something.] What am I talking about? I'm not going to change history with that thing! Ranma: What *are* you going to use it for? Pat: [smiles] Well, I was thinking about a little going-away present for all three girls. I can't be more specific. Ranma: [pauses for a moment] Pat, you mind if I tell you something? Pat: No, go ahead. Ranma: All right, but if you tell anyone... Pat: Hey, I can keep a secret. Remember last night? Ranma: [takes a deep breath] I...liked the Akane in the other timeline. Pat: What makes you think it's any different in this timeline? Ranma: [shocked] ..... Pat: Come on! We'll be late for class! [The two arrive just in the nick of time. However, instead of the usual gossip, people are wondering about a strange new girl sitting next to Akane. The two are getting along quite well. The girl turns out to be...] Pat: GAH! BETH!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?! Beth: [amused] What does it look like? And stop yelling! Akane: Pat, your sister's really not that bad... Pat: NOT THAT BA--[clears his throat] Not that bad?! Beth: [smirking] But, of course, you are my brother. [Pat starts massaging his temples, softly grumbling.] So, how's P-chan? Akane: I haven't seen him since last night. Pat: Yeah, after that...interesting supper. [The class shuts up when the teacher arrives. He is understandably puzzled at the apparent "new addition."] Sensei: Excuse me, but who are you? Beth: I'm Pat's sister. [of course, everyone except Ranma and Akane turn to look first at Beth, then at Pat. Obviously, they didn't know that Pat had a sister. Pat wishes (not for the first time) that Beth was someplace else, perhaps Timbuktu.] Sensei: Do you have permission from the Principal? [Beth waves a note.] All right, you may stay. Beth: Thanks. [For the next few hours, Beth watches with boredom while her mind is in high- speed, thinking of what mischief she can get into for the next four days. She goes to Akane.] Beth: [whispering] Where's what's-his-name? Akane: Who? Beth: The guy who needs a real sword. Akane: Oh, you mean Kuno. He's in E-7. Beth: [wickedly] Really? Maybe I should say hi to him later. [Lunchtime comes, much to the relief of the terminally bored. The students rush out into the lunchroom. Beth, of course, trails Pat much like a shark tracking its prey.] Pat: [tugging at his uniform collar] I'm telling you, Ranma. After all this time, I *still* hate this thing. Ranma: Well, you only have to wear it for one more day. [they overhear Beth talking to herself. They turn and look to see a malicious grin on her face. They follow her gaze back to Kuno, who seems less imperious than usual. In the background, we hear Nabiki trying to scalp last-minute tickets.] Nabiki: Oh, come on! These are the best seats in the house! Student: Well, I don't know...that much for a martial arts contest? Nabiki: [dangling the tickets in front of him.] Of course, these are the last ones I have. Once they're gone... Student: I'll buy them!!! Nabiki: Good choice. [Ranma, Pat, Akane and Beth sit down together. Pat has strategically sand- wiched himself between Ranma and Akane, and Beth is sitting next to her. The two are talking about men, and how impossible they can be, etc. Pat and Ran- ma, however, are talking about a different subject.] Ranma:...and *how* long have you been writing to Nabiki? Pat: [tries to remember] Oh, I'd say about...Five and a half years. Akane: [at the mention of "five and a half years," she freezes.] You know, I met this weird guy about five years ago while walking home from school with Nabiki and Kasumi. Beth: My brother? Akane: I don't think so. He seemed nice enough, but a little nervous. Beth: What'd he look like? Akane: Oh, he was about Pat's height. Come to think of it, he looked almost exactly like Pat. But that's impossible! Beth: So, what happened? Akane: Well, he kept talking about how nice this neighborhood was. I get the impression that he knew us from somewhere. Beth: Oh, really? Where? Akane: I don't know. I mean, he was right in front of the house when we got there, and he called the three of us by name. Beth: That *is* weird. Was there anything else unusual about him? Akane: [thinking] Well, he did walk with a bit of a limp. Beth: Did you ever see him again? Akane: [shakes her head] No. I wish I knew who he was. [cut to afterschool. Everyone's walking home. Kuno initially tries to follow Pat, but a sharp, malicious look from Beth stops him in his tracks. Pat is walking with his sister, albeit nervously.] Pat: [to Ranma and Akane] You two go ahead. I'll catch up. Ranma and Akane: Okay. [they walk off, leaving Pat with Beth.] Pat: Sis, I'll....need your help with something. Beth: What? [takes a look at him. He's not screaming and sprinting away from her, so it must be something serious.] Pat: Well, I need to get this magic mirror away from this pervert, Happosai. The only thing is, well... Beth: [impatient] Spit it out, Pat. Pat: [clears his throat] You know I've never been good at planning out huge, complicated schemes. Beth: [offhandedly] It comes from being an honest weenie. Pat: [glares at her] I'm *serious*. Beth: [smiles maliciously] So am I. [Pat looks skyward as if to say, "Why me?" He then fills her in on his plan to grab the Nanban mirror. That afternoon, the two of them shop around the town, Pat shuddering all the way while Beth cackles softly to herself. They pick up a self-inflatable raft from a sporting goods store, an extremely loud heavy-metal tape, and a cheap tape player (Pat didn't want to use his). The two of them are walking to the Tendo Dojo.] Beth: You know, Pat, I still don't like the idea of you travelling through time. What if you change history or something? Pat: If I'm right, I'll be fulfilling history, not changing it. [the two continue walking when something occurs to Pat.] Sis? Beth: Yeeessss? Pat: [grumbles something, then continues] Remember that psycho girl I wrote about, Kodachi? Beth: What about her? She sounds as much a loser as her brother. Pat: Unlike her brother, she cheats. Ranma and Akane told me that she takes out her opponents before the actual contest. Beth: And? Pat: And she hasn't made a move since Monday. The contest is tomorrow, and I thought for sure that she would have tried to knock out Akane by now. Beth: So what's your point? Pat: My point is that it's pretty odd that she hasn't gotten around to it. [As they approach the house, the sounds of two girls fighting and the occasional cluster of black rose petals flying out of the windows becomes evident. Kodachi is definitely in the house. That situation, however, is quickly remedied as the gymnast bounds out of the house, cackling.] Akane: [yelling] And stay out of this house!!! [looking around] Ranma, you can come out, now. Ranma: [pops out of the hedges] Is she gone? Pat: I'd say so. Akane: I thought you said that you were going to keep an eye on her. Pat: [sheepishly] Well, I have my hands full with...other people. [glances at Beth.] [They enter the house. Pat and Beth head to his/Ranma's room while Akane heads to the kitchen. Kasumi is currently cooking dinner.] Akane: Oneechan? Kasumi: Yes? Akane: Have you ever had the feeling that we've met Pat before? Kasumi: [thinks for a moment] Come to think of it, yes. I believe that it was about five years ago. Akane: Wasn't it the guy with a limp? Kasumi: I think so. Akane: That's very odd. [Nabiki enters. Akane heads over to her.] Nabiki? Nabiki: [thinking about her profit margin made due to her scalping] Hmm? Akane: Do you remember that weird guy who was on our front porch about five years ago? Nabiki: What about him? Akane: Do you remember what he was wearing? Nabiki: I think that he had on a green jogging jacket, [slowly realizes some- thing] a plaid shirt underneath and... Akane: ..blue jeans, right? Nabiki: [puzzled] Right. Akane: Something's going on here. [At about the same time, Pat is searching through his suitcase for Beth's little "going-away" present, namely the fake adult magazine covers with ordinary magazine contents. He finds them.] Pat: [mumbling] Here they are. Beth: So you admit that you're finally going testosterone. Pat: [flustered] No! I didn't want to take the chance that anybody would see them. [pauses] I hope I'm not being overly presumptuous about this whole thing. I mean, I'm asking them to go back in time five years to say hi to their mother just before she died. [turns to Beth] What would you do in my place? Beth: [curtly] I'd say that it was none of my business. Pat: [mumbling] You know, I should've asked them before I even started this wwhole thing. Beth: Well, why don't you? Pat: You know, that's not a bad idea. [heads out of the room looking for the three sisters.] Beth: Well, little brother, I've gotta go. [Pat's face brightens considerably.] But, I'll be back after dinner to help you with your "pet project." [Pat's face drops.] You should see the look on your face. [laughs quietly as she exits.] Pat: [finds Akane in the parlor.] Oh, hi. I was looking for you. Akane: Listen, Pat. I just wanted to ask you something. Pat: What a coincidence. I just wanted to ask you something, too. Akane: Well, can't it wait? Pat: Well, [pauses] yeah, I guess it could. What's your question? Akane: This is going to sound stupid, but...were you around here say, five years ago? Pat: Uh, no. This is my first time out of the States. Why? Akane: Well, I...oh, never mind. Pat: No, go ahead. Akane: It's just that...five years ago, all three of us saw a guy on our front porch. Pat: And? Akane: And that guy looked almost exactly like you, even down to your green jacket. Weird, huh? Pat: Yeah, that *is* weird. [pauses] Akane: So, what's your question? Pat: [distracted] Hmm? Oh, that. [takes a very deep breath] This is going to be a bit personal. You don't have to give me an answer. Akane: Okay. What is it? Pat: [to himself] Ho boy. [to Akane] Given a chance, would you want to see your mother again? Akane: [confused] What're you talking about? We see her every so often at the cemetary. The last time we went there was before Ranma's mother came to visit. Pat: [shaking his head] No no no no. [sighs] I mean, *before* she died. Akane: [suspicious] How? Pat: [fills her in on what he's about to do] ...but the catch is, we *can't* change anything when we're in the past. Akane: Won't we be changing the past by going there? Pat: No, I think we'll be going with history instead of changing it. Besides, you know that weird guy? Akane: What about him? Pat: I think that was me. Or, I should say, *will be* me. Akane: [thoroughly confused] Huh? Pat: Well, you see, I haven't visited this house until almost two weeks ago. But, the person you remember is an indicator of what I'm going to do. At some point in the future, I'm going to travel back in time to meet you five years ago. Akane: I'm getting a headache from all this. Pat: You get used to it after umpteen million sci-fi novels. Anyways, what do you think? Akane: I'll have to think about it. Pat: Well, thanks for listening. Akane: Don't get your hopes up. [Later, Pat is writing his letter home to his brother Phil.] Pat: [voice-over] Dear Phil. Well, the contest's tomorrow. Depending on who I have to fight, I might not be able to write to you tomorrow. I sure as heck don't want to fight either Ranma or Akane. Okay, enough gloom and doom. Our dear sister's agreed to help me on something (will wonders never cease!). You know that I don't like owing her anything, but I really didn't have much of a choice. [the door opens and Beth deposits what looks like a small bundle of clothes.] Beth: [relishing every word] You owe me, little brother. Pat: [mumbles] Thanks. [she leaves and he continues with his typing] I can't go into the details, but, suffice it to say, she's only in it to give massive amounts of abuse to a pervert. Gotta go. Pat. [The next morning, the Principal is in his office with Nabiki.] Principal: So, you say that you know who put me through that...humiliation? Nabiki: Yes, but it'll cost you. Principal: How much? Nabiki: For you? 3000 yen. Principal: What!? Nabiki: Take it or leave it. Principal: All right. [pays her] Now, who did that to me? Nabiki: Pat Lee, the new exchange student. Principal: [outraged] Why that little...[smiles maliciously] Well, I have something in mind for our dear Mr. Lee. [to Nabiki] You may go. [She does, counting her money all the way.] [On her way out, she bumps into Pat.] Pat: Whoa! [notices the money in her hands] Bribing someone else? Nabiki: Not exactly. [That afternoon, Pat and Ranma are leaving the boys' locker room on their way to the contest. Pat is still dragging along his backpack.] Pat: Hoo boy. Y'know, I'm not really looking forward to this. Ranma: Then why'd you sign up? Pat: I figured that it'd be just fun and games, not life and death stuff. Ranma: [thinks about something] I just realized something. [looks around, then continues] Do you usually stick smiley-face stickers on girls to see if they change in the shower? Pat: No, actually I just stuck it on your shoulder because it looked funny. [At about the same time, Kodachi is prowling around the girls' locker room. She sneaks behind Ukyo and shoves her into a locker with a bouquet of black roses and locks it.] Ukyo: Hey, what the--?! [the roses appear to be smoking. It's knockout gas. She starts coughing violently.] [The rest of the locker room isn't faring so well either. Kodachi has strate- gically placed bouquets of black roses, each of them emitting knockout gas. She cackles maniacally as she makes her exit, locking the doors to the room. On her way out, she almost flips right into Pat, who dodges her.] Pat: [jerks back] Whoa, what the--?! [Kodachi doesn't even pause to look at him and exits.] [Inside the locker room, Shampoo makes her own exit, knocking out a fair por- tion of the wall next to the door. She stumbles out, as do the rest of the girls inside. All, that is, except for Ukyo.] Akane: [coughing] That b**** Kodachi! Ranma: [looking around] Hey, where's Ukyo? Shampoo: Inside, I think! Forget about her! Pat: [takes a cautious whiff of the gas, stumbles, and then recovers. He then notices a water fountain and goes over to it. He takes out a small cup as well as a handkerchief and starts to fill it the former with water. He dips the handkerchief in the water and wrings it out. He quickly looks around to see no one except him, Ranma, Akane and Shampoo.] Hey, Ranma! Ranma: Wha? [Pat douses him with cold water] GAAHH! WHAT WAS THAT FOR!? Pat: Just in case. [throws her the handkerchief] This'll help you with the gas. Ranma-chan: [catches it and puts it over her nose and mouth area] What are you, a boy scout? Pat: What gave you that idea? Ranma-chan: [enters the locker room cautiously] Hey, this trick really works. [searches for Ukyo. She finds her, passed out in a locker, a bouquet of black roses at her feet. Ranma-chan rips it open and catches Ukyo in one arm, careful to keep the handkerchief on her mouth and nose. She helps the latter out of the locker room, where the gas is already starting to dissipate. Pat is waiting for her with a thermos in his hand, presumably with hot water. Everyone else has gone outside.] Pat: [looks around and then pours the contents of the thermos on Ranma-chan.] Sorry about the hot and cold routine, but I figured that you wouldn't want to be caught entering that locker room without a good reason. Ranma: [sarcastic] How kind. Do you always keep hot and cold water handy? Pat: With you around, always. [Ukyo begins to wake up.] How do you feel? Ukyo: Unnhh...[eyes snap open] Kodachi! That little... Ranma: What happened? Ukyo: She locked me up with one of those bouquets of hers. The next thing you know, I'm out cold. Pat: [to Ukyo] Would you mind giving me your arm? Ukyo: [cautiously takes out a mini-spatula] Why? Are you into holding hands? Pat: No, it's so I can take your pulse. [she reluctantly gives him her arm. He takes her pulse, then releases her.] It's a little slow, but about normal. [takes out a flashlight from his backpack and turns it on.] Ukyo: What's that for? Pat: Just making sure there's no permanent damage. [flashes the light into her eyes.] Ukyo: HEY! GET THAT THING OUT OF MY EYES! [bats the light away.] Since when are you a doctor? Pat: I'm working on it, all right? Now, from what I can tell, there's no permanent damage from the gas, but this isn't a thorough checkup. I really wouldn't recommend going out there to fight. Ukyo: [sarcastic] Thanks for the recommendation, "Doc." I can take care of myself. Pat: [shrugs] Okay, but if you feel any dizziness... Ukyo: [brushing him off] Right, right, right. [The three of them exit the school and enter the match grounds. There is a considerable crowd and the rest of the contenders have arrived. Ranma and Pat pass by the rest of the male fighters, each having a score to settle with one or the other. As the Principal begins to speak, everyone sits down.] Principal: [speaking into a microphone] Welcome, everyone! I'll be brief... [everyone starts cheering. He clears his throat and restarts.] There is a minor, almost insignificant change in the rules. It's nothing much, really. Instead of having everyone fight everyone else, I am going to choose one person to have everyone else fight. Pat: I wonder who's the lucky soul? [notices Beth in the crowd] Oh, great, my sister's here. As if things weren't bad enough. Oh well. [goes over to her] Hey, sis. Beth: Yeesss? Pat: Would you mind keeping an eye on my backpack? Beth: [malicious smile] Sure. It's just one more thing you owe me. Pat: Oog. Principal: The fighter who can knock down Pat Lee is the winner. Pat: [squeaky voice] Uh oh. [every fighter turns his or her head towards him.] Definitely an "uh oh." Principal: There are three rounds, each lasting four minutes. The match ends if either fighter is thrown out of the ring or is knocked out. If, at the end of the three rounds there is no decision, the winner will be decided by a coin toss. That is all. [turns off the microphone, sits, and rubs his hands in anticipation.] Heh heh heh. That'll show him not to mess with me. Referee: The first match will be Kodachi Kuno versus Pat Lee. [Kodachi makes a dramatic entrance into the ring. Pat, somewhat meekly, also enters.] Pat: [to the referee] Wait a minute. *I* have to fight *her*? Referee: That's the general idea. Now, take your place... Pat: [gets an idea] Hold it! I can't fight *her*. She's not mentally fit to be here. Referee: Not mentally fit? What do you mean? Pat: [whispering] Does a sane girl have to cheat? Referee: [shrugs] Most sane people do. Pat: [whispering] Yes, but *before* the actual contest? Why, just a few minutes ago, she gassed the entire girls' locker room. Referee: You don't say. Pat: I've heard that she actually goes to her opponent's house and tries to knock them out before the contest. Referee: [agreeing] That *is* a bit odd. Pat: No kidding. Also, listen to her. [Kodachi cackles wickedly] Does a mentally stable person laugh like that? Referee: Good point. [to Kodachi] Excuse me, but you're disqualified. Kodachi: WHAT?! What do you mean, disqualified? Referee: The guy thinks you're nuts. Frankly, I agree. [takes her away, ranting and raving all the while. He returns to announce the next match.] Uh, due to a circumstances beyond our control, Kodachi Kuno will be unable to compete in this contest. She expresses her deepest regrets... Kodachi: [calling out] I'll get you for this, gaijin! Referee: Well, anyway, the next match will be Pat Lee versus Tatewaki Kuno. Pat: Oh, fun. Kuno: [saunters into the ring with his bokken.] Prepare to meet your doom, gaijin. Beth: GET A REAL SWORD!!! [laughs] Kuno: [backs off from the edge of the ring, then regains some of his compo- sure.] I am going to enjoy this. [The referee rings the bell and the match is on.] Beth: [cheering] Come on, little brother! You can beat that wimp! [The two of them circle the ring. Finally, Kuno charges Pat. Pat somersaults over him, grabs on to his shoulders, and, landing, slams Kuno hard onto the mat. Kuno almost immediately gets up.] Kuno: [amused] Was that supposed to hurt? Pat: No, *this* is! [kicks Kuno first in the gut, then in the chest, and finally in the face. Pat then finishes up with his usual roundhouse kick. All of this occurs within a second's time. Kuno is down and out.] Referee: The next opponent will be Ukyo Kuonji. [Ukyo climbs in the ring, a bit unsteadily.] Pat: [to Ukyo] Hey, are you sure you're up to this? Ukyo: [fuming] I'm *fine*. [The match begins. Ukyo starts off with throwing a half-dozen of her mini- spatulas. Pat has no way of dodging, so...] Pat: DRAGON'S SCALE SHIELD! [the ki-shield coalesces just in time to repel the projectiles. He drops it and continues to maintain his distance. Ukyo then takes out her huge spatula in an attempt to squish him.] Wa ha hooo! [he dodges several "swats" and eventually grabs it out of her hands.] Why the heck do you need this? [tosses it out of the ring.] Ukyo: [takes out an okonomiyaki stand, seemingly from nowhere] Shut up and fight. Pat: Where does she get this stuff? [dodges for dear life several swipes. Eventually, tired of dodging, he grabs her and tosses her out of the ring.] Gomen nasai. Ukyo: WAAUUUGGHHH! OOF! [lands in an empty seat. Puzzled, she gets up to find a piece of paper on it. It reads, "RESERVED BY PAT LEE FOR UKYO KUONJI."] Why that little---! [crumples the paper] Referee: The next opponent will be Akane Tendo. [there is a thunderous roar from the crowd, particularly the male half.] Pat: [to Akane] You know, I *really* don't want to fight you. Akane: Well, it's too late to back out now. [The referee begins the match.] Pat: By the way, have you thought about what I told you last night? Akane: This isn't the time or place for that! [As the match goes on, it becomes apparent to the audience that Pat is very reluctant to fight Akane. He's constantly on the defensive and launches no counterattacks. At the end of the three rounds, there is no decisive winner, so the referee tosses a coin.] Referee: Call it. Pat: Heads. [It ends up heads, making Pat the winner by decision. He says, sarcastically] Oh yeah, I feel really great now. Akane: [glaring at Pat] You were holding back, weren't you? Why? Is it because I'm a girl? Pat: No, it's because I don't want to knock out a friend. Referee: The next match will be Mousse versus Pat Lee. [Mousse enters the ring, almost tripping over the ropes.] Pat: [begins to get nervous] Aheh. [in Chinese] Mousse: Pat: Oboy. [remembers something and goes to Ranma] By the way, what kind of martial art does Mousse practice? Ranma: He's a hidden weapons expert. Pat: [crestfallen] Great. Just what I need. [The match begins with Mousse throwing a chain. Pat dodges it, but several more come his way. Pat manages to (barely) keep dodging it until the round ends.] Pat: [to the referee] Is it illegal to carry a concealed weapon in this match? Referee: Normally, yes. In this case, however, no. [The second round begins. Pat is much more offensive than in the last round. He makes his way towards Mousse and attempts what appears to be a leg trip. Mousse dodges it by jumping up. However, Pat's leg snaps back and upwards, catching Mousse in the gut as the latter begins to descend. Getting up, Pat waits for Mousse to do the same. He does, and Pat gives him a open handed punch to the heart. Mousse staggers back towards one of the posts.] Pat: SPINNING HURRICANE KICK! [Cornered and dazed, Mousse takes three hits to the face. He collapses, only to stagger back up. By this time, Pat has landed from his hurricane kick next to Mousse. Pat grabs him by the nose.] Mousse: Pat: [gives him a noogie] Woo woo woo woo woo woo! [lets go of his nose and smacks him around the face] Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk! [prepares to put Mousse out of his misery, but then steps back. It's obvious to everyone that Mousse is barely standing. Instead of a grand finish, Pat barely taps his opponent, who promptly collapses.] Referee: The next opponent will be Shampoo. Pat: [aghast] Shampoo? [she enters the ring, carrying her maces] I'm dead. [The match starts. It becomes very evident that Shampoo is much more ruthless than Pat's other opponents. She's out to win, and Pat can barely block or dodge her attacks.] Shampoo: Pat: Whoa! [dodges another mace thrust] Shampoo: [grins evilly] Pat: [to himself] Oh yeah, that's really encouraging. [As the match continues, Pat is almost totally outmatched. Shampoo puts him on the defensive and doesn't let up. She trips him and he falls down, receiving a glancing blow from one of her maces in the process. Shampoo, eager for the kill, jumps up really high, pointing the end of one of her maces towards Pat as she descends. Pat, dazed, looks up just in time to see Shampoo coming down. He gets an idea. Trying to get up, he waits until the last possible instant before impact. About a foot before her mace would have made Pat's face a memory, he rolls out of the way. The impact results in a considerable 10-foot diameter crater, ripping through the center of the ring in the process. After a few seconds, Shampoo rises out of the crater somewhat unsteadily, and minus one mace. Pat sees his chance. Running towards her, he lets her have it with a spin kick. Shampoo, already having put most of her effort in trying to squish Pat, takes it full on the face. Pat then grabs her and tosses her out of the ring, next to Ukyo.] Pat: [lets out a long breath] I *don't* want to go through that again. Referee: Uh, there will be a short delay as we repair the ring. [Five minutes later, the ring has a new floor and the referee announces the next opponent: Ryoga Hibiki.] Pat: [tiredly] What did I do to deserve this? [wipes his forehead] At this rate, I'm not going to last long. Ryoga: [practically growling] Pat... Pat: Oboy. [to Ryoga] Why do you want to fight me? After all, I *did* save your bac---[to himself] I'd better rephrase that. [to Ryoga] I *did* help you out a few times! Ryoga: Why? Because you're an arrogant, meddling, know-it-all, that's why! Pat: [taken aback] What? Ryoga: You're also blind and obnoxious! Pat: [trying to keep Ryoga calm] No, Mousse is blind. [The match begins with Ryoga constantly pressing the attack. Pat dodges amazingly well, considering he's survived a match with Shampoo. However, he doesn't take the offensive. In fact, due to his worn out state, one of Ryoga's ki-punches catches Pat in the left knee, complete with a sickening crunching sound.] Pat: AAGGHH!! [nearly collapses, but then shifts his weight.] Ryoga: Heh. [notices that Pat *still* won't take the offensive.] Fight, dammit! Pat: [hobbles] No. And you can call me whatever you want. I still won't fight you. Beth: [crying out from the audience] Hey, Ryoga! Ryoga: [looks over in her direction] Wha? Beth: Oink oink oink! Ryoga: [starts to get frustrated, then gets an idea] So, she's your sister, huh? Pat: Yeah, what about it? [to himself] Ow...this really hurts! The thing's probably dislocated. Ryoga: Then I ought to feel sorry for you. If *she's* any indicator of what the rest of your family is like--- Pat: [tenses up a bit] What about my family? Ryoga: [condescending] Oh, nothing...unless you like being a bunch of pathetic losers! Pat: [slowly, trying not to get angry] What did you say about my family? Ryoga: What, are you deaf now? [yells] I said they're a bunch of losers! Pat: [has just reached critical mass] That does it. You sonova--- Ryoga: [notices that Pat's hands have just started glowing blue.] What the--? Pat: ROARING LION BULLET! [a ki-bolt blasts from his hands. It's Ryoga's turn to dodge as he barely avoids the blast.] Ryoga: [shocked] How--? Pat: ROARING LION BULLET! [This time, the ki-bolt knocks Ryoga against one of the ring supports. He recovers, trying to muster up a ki-bolt of his own.] Ryoga: ROARING LION BULLET! Pat: DRAGON'S SCALE SHIELD! [Once again, the shield coalesces in time to deflect the projectile. Pat slowly limps towards Ryoga, the shield in front of him.] Ryoga: ROARING LION BULLET! [the ki-bolt is deflected] ROARING LION BULLET! [musters up a *huge* energy blast, but again, the bolt is deflected.] Pat: [by this time has reached Ryoga. Seeing that Ryoga is tired from his efforts, he drops the ki-shield. He says, slowly] Finished? I'm not. Not by a long shot. [Ryoga tries to drop kick Pat, but the latter simply dodges him. For every punch or kick he attempts, Pat blocks or dodges it, getting in a hit in the gut, face, or chest every time. Pat grabs Ryoga's umbrella and tosses it away. He then jumps over Ryoga, grabbing his shoulders, and slams him down onto the mat. Ryoga staggers up.] Pat: RISING DRAGON FIST! [performs a ki-reinforced jumping uppercut. It catches Ryoga in the gut and lifts him high into the air. Pat lands on his bad leg.] AAGH! [Ryoga, however, has a somewhat longer journey to the ground. He lands, rather inelegantly, on the mat. He staggers up, ready to fall back at any moment.] Oohhh no. You're not getting away that easily. [grabs Ryoga by the shirt front.] Woo woo woo woo woo woo! Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk! Oh, a wise guy, huh? [slaps Ryoga around several times in the face, followed by a few knocks to his head. Pat then proceeds to tweak Ryoga's nose *hard*, accompanied by a noogie. Finally comes the coup de grace; Pat grabs his adver- sary's cheeks (one with each hand) and vigorously pulls them in and out, creating an intriguing suction sound. He finally lets Ryoga collapse back on the mat, having utterly humiliated him.] NEVER make fun of my family. [some students help drag Ryoga off the mat.] Referee: The final opponent will be Ranma Saotome. Ranma: [having witnessed Ryoga's utter defeat] Swell. [enters the ring] Pat: [hobbling pretty badly, says to himself] I'm not going to win this one. Ranma: Hey, are you going to fight like that? That leg looks pretty bad. Pat: Oh, don't worry. It only hurts when I move. [to himself] Or laugh. Or smile. Or breathe. [The final match begins. Neither opponent can get an edge on the other. This goes on for the first two rounds. In the third round, however, things are considerably different.] Ranma: [to himself] I've gotta put this guy away. Sorry, Pat. [Pat tries, unsuccessfully, to get a hit in. Ranma is preparing to blow him away.] Pat: [to himself] This guy's really good. Too bad I have to knock him out. I don't think he'll be so cooperative as to let me throw him out. Ranma: [to himself as he blocks Pat's blows] Bye bye, Pat. [aloud] FLYING ASCENSION DRAGON DEFEAT! [throws his cool punch just as...] Pat: RISING DRAGON FIST! [Pat throws his ki-reinforced jumping uppercut.] [The two special maneuvers collide. Both of them are thrown back into their respective corners. Pat was thrown back by the whirlwind force of Ranma's Dragon Spiral. However, the former got a good hit in before he was blown away, knocking Ranma into a post. The bell rings, and the final round is over.] Student1: What happened? Student2: I dunno. How're they going to call that? Both are knocked out. Student1: No, wait a minute! [points to where Pat is] He's trying to get up. Student2: [points to Ranma] So's Ranma! Principal: [notices what's going on] Whoever gets up first is the winner! [Predictably, both of them get up at the same time.] Referee: I'll have to toss a coin. [searches his pockets] Uh, does anyone happen to have one? Pat: Here you go. [tosses a quarter] Referee: Thanks. [checks to make sure it isn't "fixed," then tosses it.] Call it. Pat: Tails. [At thaat time, Pat's leg gives out. Ranma catches him before Pat falls.] Referee: Heads! Ranma's the winner! [picks up the quarter and tosses it to Pat] Thanks. Pat: Good job, Ranma. [Ranma is grudgingly presented a trophy by the Principal. Pat is doing every- thing he can to keep from screaming in pain.] Pat: [through gritted teeth] Uh, I hate to break up the festivities like this, but could someone get me to a doctor? [cut to 10 minutes later. Pat, wearing his backpack, is being helped to Tofu- sensei's clinic. He's being supported by Beth (AAHH!). Ranma, at Akane's insistence, is literally dragging Ryoga along.] Akane: Ranma, don't you want to pick up Ryoga? Ranma: [looks bored] Why? [They enter the clinic. Tofu-sensei examines both Pat and Ryoga.] Tofu: Well, it looks like the knee's dislocated right about here [barely touches Pat's knee.] Pat: [in a *lot* of pain] GYEE! Tofu: Sorry. Anyway, all I have to do is pop it back into place. Pat: [wary] Pop it back into place? Beth: [whispers to Akane] Are you sure he's good? Akane: [whispers back] He's a great doctor. Took care of me when I was younger. Tofu: Well, here goes...[places his hands on Pat's leg. However, fate, feel- ing particularly sadistic towards Pat today, intervenes in the form of Kasumi opening the door of the clinic. She's carrying a basket.] Kasumi: Hello. Tofu: [glasses steam up and a sickening SNAP! is heard as he bends Pat's leg up ninety degrees---towards the ceiling.] K-Kasumi... [Pat is trying not to scream. He's in so much pain, he's pounding on a wall of the clinic, making a nice hole in the process.] Beth: Uh, Doc? What're you doing with my brother? Kasumi: [to Pat] Are you all right? Pat: [hoarse whisper] Just fine. Don't mind me. [stops pounding on the wall] Tofu: Uh, wh-wh-what are you doing here? Kasumi: [cheerfully] Oh, I just came over for a visit. I brought you some- thing. [gives him the basket] Tofu: [puts it on his head] Oh, a new hat! Kasumi: [smiles] It's inside. Tofu: [takes it off his head and looks inside] Oh, cookies! Thank you! [takes one out and proceeds to shove it in Pat's mouth.] Here you go, Ranma! Pat: [mumbling] Urm Peht! [translation: I'm Pat!] Beth: Don't talk with your mouth full, Pat. Pat: [mumbling] Gurmee uh brk wullyuh! [translation: Gimme a break, will ya!] [swallows the cookie] Whew, that's better. Beth: [to Tofu-sensei] Uh, Doc, about my brother's leg... Tofu: Oh, silly me. Here you go. [CRACK! Tofu-sensei straightens out Pat's leg. (This is pretty amazing considering his present state of mind.)] Pat: [winces, then tentatively flexes his leg] A little sore, but it works. Ranma: [whispers to Pat] Time to get out of the line of fire. [exits with Pat following him, limping slightly. Beth tags along.] [Outside, the three of them start to discuss Tofu-sensei's behavior.] Pat: What is it with that guy? He just went crazy the moment he saw Kasumi. Ranma: He's always like that. I would've told you sooner, but I didn't think you'd get hurt. You seemed practically invunerable. Pat: [shakes his head] No way am I invulnerable. Otherwise...[gestures to his knee] Ranma: Yeah, I get the point. Beth: So, Pat. How could you let a guy like that hurt you? Pat: This stuff isn't as easy as it looks. That guy was about to *kill* me! Doesn't that mean anything to you? Beth: Sure it does. [smirks] It means I wouldn't have anyone to pick on. [he rubs his temples and grumbles.] Anyway, I have some bad news. Pat: What? You couldn't find amy more pictures of naked ladies around? Beth: [malicious smile] There are plenty of those around, Pat. No, I'm leaving for home tomorrow night. [Pat looks skyward and mouths out "thank you"] Don't be so eager, little brother. *You're* headed home the next day, remember? Pat: [mood goes downhill] Oh. Yeah. [Akane and Kasumi exit the clinic.] So, how's Ryoga? Akane: Tofu-sensei's still examining him. [they suddenly hear a bloodcurdling scream from the clinic] Tofu: [from the clinic] Oh, come on, Pat! How am I supposed to set your leg when you keep squirming around like that? Pat: I'd better get him out of there. Ranma: Why? It's not like Tofu-sensei's going to kill him or anything. [Everyone except Kasumi flinches at yet another of Ryoga's screams.] Tofu: Relax! I know what I'm doing. [various crunching sounds are heard] Pat: I'm definitely going in there. [about to go in, but Beth stops him.] What? Beth: Hang on. [CRACK CRACK SNAP CRUNCH!] Okay, *now* go ahead. Pat: You are sick, sis. Beth: [beams a smile] I know. [Pat goes back inside the clinic. He finds Ryoga bent at very odd angles, struggling to move. Tofu-sensei is dancing with his skeleton. Pat drags Ryoga out of the clinic.] Pat: [calling out to Tofu-sensei] We'll be back in a while. [muttering to himself] *Nobody* deserves this bone-crunching. [cut to later, after dinner. Pat is sitting on the porch when Akane approaches him.] Akane: Pat? Pat: [sits down] Yes? Akane: About what you offered me and my sisters...[pauses] Pat: Go ahead. Akane: Thanks, but no thanks. Pat: Okay. But, you know, I *have* to go back. Otherwise, you won't remem- ber me, and everything'll be messed up. Akane: [sighs] It's just that...it's taken me a long time to get over Mom dying. If I do what you're asking me to do, I... Pat: I understand. Guess it *was* pretty stupid of me to even think of it. After all, I don't know what you went through. Akane:..... [Ryoga approaches them, rather stiffly.] Ryoga: Akane-san, will you please excuse us? Akane: [gets up] Sure. Pat: [doesn't bother to look up] I believe you owe me an apology...and a debt. It's the least you owe me for what you did. Ryoga: [with great difficulty] I...wanted to thank you for straightening my bones out. Pat: [raises an eyebrow] And? Ryoga: I am in your debt for...you not telling Akane. Pat: [gets up and looks him straight in the eye] No. You owe me a lot more. Ryoga: How's that? Pat: [impatiently] An apology... Ryoga: For what? Pat: For starters...[points to his knee] Ryoga: [incredulous] You *can't* be serious. I would rather... Pat: What? Die? Ryoga: ..... Pat: [crosses his arms] I'm waiting. [still no answer from Ryoga] Okay, here's the deal. [uncrosses his arms and points a finger at Ryoga] If you act civil towards me and Ranma for the duration of my visit, and cooperate with an...unusual request of mine, I will consider the matter closed. Ryoga: [outraged] What!!?? Act civil towards that... Pat: That's all you have to do. What, you can't act civil to Ranma for two days? What's the matter? You *want* to be in debt to me forever? Ryoga: [grumbling] All right. What's the request? Pat: I need to borrow your umbrella tomorrow. Ryoga: Why? Pat: You'll see. [cut to much later. As usual, Pat is writing home to Phil.] Phil: [voice-over] Dear Phil. I have some good news and some bad news. Okay, bad news first Beth is going home tomorrow night (aahh! :-)) Also, in that martial arts contest, I kind of got my knee dislocated. I'm all right though. The local chiropractor managed to fix it up, but not before screwing it up. I'll tell you all about it a little later. I lost the contest, by the way. There was a pretty strange rule change. The person who could beat me up was declared the winner. I wonder what happened to make the Principal change his mind. As for the good news, I managed to hold out until the last guy (not much in the way of good news, I know.). I wonder...[gets an idea] Talk to you later, Pat. [gets up and heads towards Nabiki's room and knocks on the door.] Nabiki: Who is it? Pat: It's me. We need to talk. Nabiki: Now? Pat: Yes, now. [she opens the door] I'd like to know something. Nabiki: What? Pat: What do you suppose made the Principal change the rules like that? It's almost like he had something personal against me. Nabiki: Well, there *was* that note on his back. Pat: [suspicious] How'd you know about that? Nabiki: He was skating around with... Pat: No, how'd you know that it was me? The only people that were around were Ranma, Akane, Ukyo, and me. I don't think any of them would ruin the surprise. Nabiki: I could tell it was you by your handwriting. Pat: [disappointed] Uh huh. Nabiki: What? Pat: Why'd you sell me out? Nabiki: What makes you think it was me? Pat: Well, earlier today, you went to the Principal's office. I know that you cover your tracks well enough so that you usually don't go there. Also, you happen to have a long history of selling out to people. Nabiki: Who says? Pat: [counting on his fingers] Ranma, Akane, your father, Mr. Saotome... Nabiki: Okay, so I maybe told him about you. What about it? Pat: What about it? Nabiki, we've been writing to each other for the last five years! I'd think that there was some kind of trust between us. Nabiki: Hey, if I can sell out my family, I can sell out my friends. Pat: I noticed that you don't have too many of those. Nabiki: Wha? Pat: In fact, I haven't seen anyone talk to you at school for anything other than begging you not to blackmail them. Money doesn't buy everything, you know. Nabiki: No, but it does make someone really comfortable. Pat: For what? A life of loneliness? A life without friends? Nabiki: Who needs friends? Pat: Everybody. You know, I'm not really surprised that you sold me out. In fact, I expected it. Nabiki: You did? Pat: Yup. I also know that, past that scheming and conniving exterior, you're a nice girl. Why do you think I wrote to you so often? Nabiki:..... Pat: It's just too bad that you think money solves all your problems. Good night, Nabiki. [leaves] Nabiki: [thinks over what Pat's just said] Damn him! I hate it when he's right. [The next day, Pat and Beth are about to put their plan into motion. The two of them go up to Happosai's room. Pat knocks on the door.] Pat: Master Happosai? Happosai: [from inside] Yeeessss? Beth: [whispering] Why are you calling him "master?" Pat: [whispering back] You don't make friends by calling them a pervert. [to Happosai] May I come in? I need to borrow something. Happosai: [opens the door.] Borrow something? Like what? [notices Beth and starts gaping at her] Beth: [to herself] I hate this guy already. Pat: [clears his throat] I need to borrow the nanban mirror. Happosai: [stops his drooling] What? Pat: I'm prepared to give you these. [takes out a *huge* stack of what appear to be girlie magazines] Also, you get a nice leisure suit out of it. [Beth gives him a bundle of clothes.] Happosai: Gimme! [jumps up and down, reaching for the magazines] Pat: [slightly impatient] The mirror... Happosai: Oh, all right! [goes back into his room. He returns with the nan- ban mirror.] Here! Pat: Thank you. Beth: Hey, why don't you try out that suit? Happosai: Now? Pat: [fumbling] It, uh, it'll... Beth: It'll get girls' attentions! Happosai: [puts it on over his clothes.] Not a bad fit. Although, white isn't really my color. Pat: Oh, how careless of me. Look, sis, a loose button. Beth: And a loose belt hoop. What shoddy work. [tries very hard not to giggle in anticipation of what'll happen next] Here, let me pull it out! [she does, and the pants start inflating. Pat does the same for the suit top.] Happosai: WHAT THE--?! [the end result of the dual inflations is that he looks very much like a large golf ball. His head, feet, and hands are protru- ding from the "suit" so that he can't move.] Pat: [tapes on the headphones to the pervert's head and turns on the volume setting to WHOA! BOY ARE YOU DEAF!] Here, have some music! [dribbles Happosai down the stairs, totally disorienting him. Beth starts chuckling maliciously.] Happosai: WAAUUUGGHH! [he can't even reach the headphones because of the inflated suit.] Pat: How about we go outside? [dribbles Happosai onto the porch. He finally stops and places the dizzy pervert on the grass. Ryoga is waiting outside.] Ryoga, your umbrella, please? [he hands it to Pat. Beth comes outside.] Is everybody ready? Beth: Let him have it, Pat! Pat: [takes off the headphones and yells:] FOOORRRREEE! Happosai: [small voice] Fore? [Pat swings the umbrella like a golf club. He hits Happosai into the sun.] Pat: [to Ryoga] Scratch one part of your debt. Beth: You owe something to him? Ryoga: No, just the opposite. [to Pat] My umbrella? Pat: [hands it to him] Oh, here you go. [takes out the mirror and an onion.] And now... Ryoga: Wait! Where are you going? Pat: Oh, nowhere special. I'll be back in a few minutes. [rubs his eye on the onion. A tear falls on the mirror.] Take me back five years ago, Septem- ber 15, to this very porch. [A flash of light temporarily blinds all present. When it fades, Pat is gone.] Beth: Nice exit. [Scene: September 15, five years ago. Pat appears on the same porch, holding the nanban mirror. It appears that it's sometime in the afternoon.] Pat: Whoa! What a ride! [shakes his head and puts the mirror inside his jacket. He says, to himself:] Well, I'm here. What am I supposed to do now? What time is it? [looks around to see someone in both the house and the dojo.] No time like the present to ask. [knocks on the door. An older woman answers it. She has a very kind face, reminiscent of the three sisters.] Woman: Yes? Pat: Are you Mrs. Tendo? Mrs. Tendo: Yes. Why? Pat: [tries to think of something to say. Nothing comes to mind.] Uh, well... I was just... I mean, I... Mrs. Tendo: Is something wrong? Pat: No. It's just that...I came all this way and I can't think of anything to say. Mrs. Tendo: [concerned] Are you lost? Pat: No, I'm...[looks around] I'm where I want to be, ma'am. [to himself] I'm getting nowhere fast. She probably thinks I'm some sort of weirdo. [to Mrs. Tendo] So, how're your daughters? Mrs. Tendo: They're fine. [concerned] Why? Is something wrong with one of them? Pat: No, the three of them are just fine. Mrs. Tendo: How do you know I have three daughters? [puzzled] Have we met before? Pat: [shakes his head] No, but I've heard a lot about you. Uh, could I please come inside? I've got a long story to tell. Mrs. Tendo: [hesitantly] All right. [He enters the house. Not much will change in the next five years. He habitually sits down in the parlor. She finds this somewhat odd.] So, what's your name? Pat: It's Pat. [pauses] Now, this is going to sound absolutely crazy, but it's all the truth. [takes a deep breath to prepare himself] Has your husband ever told you about his training with Happosai? Mrs. Tendo: No. Well, bits and pieces, really. He doesn't want to remember those days. Why? Pat: Well, [takes out the mirror] I got this from him. Mrs. Tendo: How? Soun tells me that he and a friend of his sealed him up in a cave! Pat: Mr. Saotome, right? Mrs. Tendo: How--? Pat: [continuing] And he has a son named Ranma who's about Akane's age, and a wife named Nodoka, right? And, your husband and Mr. Saotome promised to have one of your daughters and his son married. Mrs. Tendo: How do you know all this? Pat: [lets out a long breath] I'm from the future. Five years, to be precise. I was...staying with your family there. Mrs. Tendo: Why are you here? How did you get here, assuming you're telling the truth? Pat: [holds up the mirror] This lets whoever holds it to travel wherever and whenever he or she desires. As for why, well, [pauses] I guess it's to let you know that everthing's going to turn out all right. Mrs. Tendo: Does something happen to me? Pat: I can't tell you. I'd like to, but I can't. [gets up to leave] I think I've taken up enough of your time. Thank you, for everything. Mrs. Tendo: Wait. [Pat stops in his tracks] How are my daughters? In the future, I mean. Pat: [turns to face her] Well, Akane is very strong. She says that she still hates boys, but I think that she really likes her fiance. Nabiki, she's smart and never gets into any trouble. As for Kasumi, well, she's very calm and peaceful. [notices the time] Don't they usually come home now? Mrs. Tendo: Yes. Pat: [grabs the mirror and puts it back under his jacket] I have to go. It's important. [looks back] Goodbye, Mrs. Tendo. [goes out on the porch. Sure enough, all three sisters are walking home. He sits down and calls out to them.] Kasumi! Nabiki! Akane! How do you do? [They approach Pat cautiously. Akane has a bandage on her cheek, presumably from a fight.] Kasumi: Do we know you? Pat: [shakes his head] Not yet. Akane: Who are you? Pat: Does it matter? Akane: Well, yes. Pat: It's not really important. Nabiki: Why are you on the porch? Pat: I just wanted to sit down for a few minutes. [notices Akane's bandage] Another fight, Akane? [amused] Pretty soon, the boys won't want to be near you. Akane: Good, because I hate boys! Pat: [chuckles at this. Some things remain the same. He gestures to an empty spot next to him.] Would you care to sit down? It's a really nice day. It'd be a shame to waste it. [They reluctantly sit down a respectable distance away from him.] Look around. [gestures to the neighborhood] What do you see? Akane: [looks around] Nothing. Nothing's going on. Pat: Exactly. It's quiet. Peaceful. [sighs] This is a nice neighborhood you live in. Nabiki: Oh, it's okay. Pat: Yeah, I guess you're right. [gets up and limps a bit] Kasumi: Are you all right? Pat: [smiles] Never better. [realizes something] Oh, Akane? Akane: Yes? Pat: Did you happen to get pen pal letters today? Akane: Oh, right! [suspiciously] How did you know? Pat: Oh, I happen to have had a little experience with pen pals. Akane: [takes off her backpack and digs a letter out of it. She gives the letter to Nabiki.] Here you go. I don't want to write to some stupid boy. Pat: [ironic] You never know, Akane. Maybe someday, that "stupid boy" might visit this place. Akane: [shakes her head] Not if I don't write to him. Pat: [to Nabiki] You mind if I see that, please? [she gives him the letter. Sure enough, it's his first pen pal letter.] Oh, he won't be so bad once you get to know him. [hands the letter back to Nabiki] Thanks. I've got to go. [to Kasumi] Take care of these two, all right? [heads out of sight, limping slightly. He takes out the nanban mirror and an onion. Rubbing the onion in his eye, he lets a tear fall on the mirror.] Take me back to this spot, five years from now. [He vanishes in a bright flash of light.] [cut to the present, just after Pat has disappeared. Beth is looking rather bored at the moment, considering exactly what to say to Ryoga to make him crazy. However, Pat reappears directly behind her in a blinding flash of light. She turns around, unfazed.] Beth: So, how'd it go? Pat: [shrugs] The universe didn't end, so I must've done something right. Ryoga: Where *were* you? Pat: Oh, here and there. Mostly here. Ryoga: [confused] Huh? Beth: [notices what looks like a bamboo sword near the kitchen.] Hey, what's that? Pat: Looks like a bamboo sword to me, sis. Beth: [goes inside and picks it up. She grins evilly.] I wonder if this would hurt? [Just then, Kuno, complete with red rose bouquet. He looks rather bruised up due to Friday's match.] Pat: So, what's with the roses? Kuno: Nothing you would understand, gaijin. I merely came to declare my love for Akane...[notices Beth with the bamboo sword, a malicious gleam in her eye.] ERK! Gaijin, if you have any respect for me, any at all, you will not allow her to come near me. Pat: [notices that Beth is eagerly creeping up to Kuno, itching to try out her new toy. He keeps her away from Kuno.] Easy now, sis. Take it easy! Beth: Lemme at him! Just one hit. [slowly] One BIG hit. Pat: Hey, wait a minute here. [to Kuno] Why should I help you? Ever since I arrived here, you said you were going to kill me! And now, you expect me to keep my sister away from you? HELL NO! [to Beth] Sic him! [He releases her, and Kuno bolts off with Beth in close pursuit. She gets in quite a few hits to several, uh, tender spots on his body. Akane comes out- side, looking for something.] Akane: Has anyone seen my spare bamboo sword? Pat: Yeah. Beth borrowed it to get rid of some, uh, pests. Kuno: KYAAAAA!! GET AWAY FROM ME! Beth: Stand still! How am I supposed to hit you if you keep dodging like that? Akane: Oh. [changes the subject] Well, how did it go? Pat: It went all right. Your mother was a very nice lady. [mischievious smile] Oh, by the way... Akane: What? Pat: Don't call me a "stupid boy." Akane: [blushes as she remembers what she said.] Oh. Well, I... Pat: S'right. I'm just kidding around with you. You know, it really was quieter back then. [Just then, Happosai finally comes down. He bounces several times before finally rolling to a stop.] Happosai: WAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGHHHH! OOF! Pat: So, how'd you like your tour of the atmosphere? Happosai: When I get my hands on you, I'll... Beth: [has stopped chasing Kuno with the sword. She notices that Happosai is now on terra firma.] Oh, shut up, you dirty old man. [tosses him a girlie magazine. He starts drooling over what he can see.] [They go inside. Pat heads up to Nabiki's room and knocks on the door.] Pat: Nabiki? It's me. Nabiki: Go away. Pat: No, listen to me. I just wanted to say I'm sorry. [no response] Dam- mit! We've always been able to talk to each other before. Why not now? Nabiki: [opens the door] This had better be good. Pat: I...just came to apologize about what I said last night. I had no right to say that to you. How you live your life is your decision. Nabiki: No, you were right. I don't have that many friends. And...I guess I'd count you as probably my best friend. Pat: Yeah, same here. I guess I was a little ticked off because you actually sold me out. Nabiki: What? You were expecting me to be totally honest? Pat: [shakes his head and smiles] Nah. Too much to hope for. Nabiki: Yeah, I guess it is. Pat: [pauses] I just wanted to let you know that I'm leaving tomorrow. I... Nabiki: What, you wanted to make peace with me before you left? Pat: Yeah, something like that. [extends his hand] Friends? Nabiki: [takes his hand and shakes it.] Always. And if you tell anybody about this... Pat: Hey, we've been writing to each other for five years. You should know me at least as well as I know you. Nabiki: Good point. [releases the handshake] Beth: [calling from downstairs] Hey, Pat! How about a game of "pervertball?" Pat: Be down in a minute! [to Nabiki] Thanks. Nabiki: For what? Pat: The last five years of my life. Especially the last two weeks. Nabiki: Well, I should really thank that weird guy on our porch. Pat: You wanna know something? Nabiki: What? Pat: That was me. Nabiki: [shocked] What? How? Pat: It's a long story. Nabiki: I've got time. Pat: I'll tell you on the way downstairs. Beth and I are going to play a game of "pervertball." Nabiki: Really? What're the rules? Pat: With her, you never know. [Later, Pat is walking towards the Nekohanten. He's about to settle something with Shampoo. He enters the restaurant.] Pat: [looks around] [walks around the place to find Shampoo sweeping up.] Shampoo: [glaring at him] <*You*. What do you want?> [takes out one of her maces.] Pat: [holds out his hands in front of him] Shampoo: [tentatively puts down the mace] Pat: Shampoo: Pat: Shampoo: Pat: Shampoo: [fuming] Pat: Shampoo: Pat: [shrugs] Shampoo: Pat: [Next stop, the Ucchan. Pat cautiously enters, expecting to be hit with an okonomiyaki stand. Sure enough, an okonomiyaki stand whishes by, just barely missing him.] Pat: [dodges] Waa! Ukyo: What do you want? Did you come to brag? Pat: No, I actually wanted to see how you were doing. After all, you did take a few lungfuls of knockout gas. Ukyo: Is that all? Well, I'm feeling fine, thank you very much. Now, get out of my restaurant. Pat: [holds up his finger] Let's get one thing straight here. I wasn't the one who gassed you. *I* wasn't the one who changed the rules. *I* didn't want to fight you in the first place! Frankly, if it were up to me, I'd *never* fight you! Now, at least humor me so I can see if you're all right! Ukyo: [very reluctantly gives him her arm. He takes her pulse.] So, what kind of doctor did you say you wanted to be? Pat: [looks at his watch] I didn't. But, for the record, I was hoping to go into pediatrics. Ukyo: Pediatrics, as in kids? Pat: That's what it means. [releases her arm] Your pulse is normal. Have you felt any dizziness or any difficulty thinking? Ukyo: No. Pat: Well, if you have any odd symptoms, you'd better... Ukyo: Right, right, right. If I have kids, remind me never to take them to you. Pat: You probably wouldn't want to. I'd be in Illinois. [sighs] Listen, what I'm trying to say is that I didn't want to throw you out of the ring like that. I'm sorry. Ukyo: You could have lost to me, you know. Pat: [slight smile] What, and not try my best? [heads for the door] I won't be seeing you later. [cut to later, just before dinner at the house. Beth is leaving for home.] Beth: [to everyone inside] Thanks for everything! [to Pat] I'll see *you* later. Pat: [less than enthused] Great. [Beth leaves the house.] Akane: I kinda like her. Pat: That's because you're not related to her. [goes into his room and powers up his laptop. Voice-over] Dear Phil. This'll be short. I'm leaving for home tomorrow. Japan's great, but I'd rather be back home. See ya soon! [The next day, Pat is all packed and ready to go. He disconnects the laptop from its accustomed spot and puts it in his backpack.] Pat: [takes out a good bye card for the Tendo and Saotome family.] This was fun, but, all good things must come to an end. [puts on his backpack and lifts his suitcase. He heads for the front door. Both families are there waiting for him.] Thanks for everything. [hands the card to Ranma and whispers to him:] There's a garbled message on the back. The decoder's inside. [heads to the taxi, where Ryoga's waiting.] Here, hang on to this, willya? Ryoga: [takes the backpack and is bent over ninety degrees.] OOOF! [Obviously, it's a lot heavier than what Ryoga's used to lifting. Pat puts his suitcase in the taxi, then relieves Ryoga of his burden, hoisting it with one hand.] Pat: Thanks. [to everyone] I, uh, I'm not much on goodbyes, so what I have to say is on the card. Sayonara. [bows formally, then gets in the taxi, which drives off.] [Ranma opens up the card and everyone looks inside. There is a piece of trans- parent red plastic inside, which Ranma takes. They read the message inside.] Pat: [voice over] Well, you're reading this, so I must be on my way home. I just wanted to thank all of you for putting up with me. If I ever come around this way again, I'll call first. By the way, I left a little message for Ranma and Akane on the back. It's for their eyes only, so if you don't mind... [Ranma turns over the card, then realizes that everybody's peering over his shoulder.] Ranma: Hey, do you mind? C'mon, Akane. [the two head to the dojo, where he puts the piece of plastic over the garbled mess.] Pat: [voice over] Whew, now that you two are alone (hopefully), I just wanted to get something off my chest. I know that you two are crazy about each other. It's just that you two can be so stubborn that you won't even admit it. Personally, though, I think that the two of you look good together. Keep in touch. Pat. [there is a phone number and address below] P.S., Ranma, look under your futon for a surprise. [Puzzled, Ranma and Akane head to his room and do just that. They find...] Ranma: The nanban mirror! Akane: And here's a note! [It reads: Use this before Happosai gets to it.] [Just then, Happosai enters the room.] Happosai: Hey, I've been looking for that! [grabs the mirror and runs off with it.] Ranma: Gimme that mirror, you leech! [Zoom out of the house accompanied by the sounds of utter chaos.] THE END ---------------------------WARNING! AUTHOR BABBLE!---------------------------- Well, I hope you enjoyed reading this fanfic. As usual, any comments regarding this is welcome. My address is U59090@UICVM.UIC.EDU. PLEASE, don't send any flames. BTW, I'd like to thank my sister Betty for the character of Beth. Frankly, Pat seemed a little too calm and perfect. So, I created Beth to shake him up a bit. Remember, there's nothing more boring than a character without any hang-ups or neuroses. And, there's nothing more irritating than a character who has the answer to everything. I'd also like to thank all of you who wrote to tell me how I was doing, particularly Howard and Karl Rim. Their analyses helped considerably with the progress of the story. In fact, it was Karl Rim's fanfic, "Kasumi's Story" that got me started on the idea of writing this fanfic. Last, but not least, I'd like to thank MegaZone for previewing my story. It was he who read my story and gave his okay for it. He was a lot of help. If you missed any parts of this story, FTP to WPI.WPI.EDU under the directory pub/anime/FanFiction. The complete story will be under ranma.misadventures.Z. Just remember to set it on binary, and that the file's in UNIX compressed form. This has been an unpaid plug for the Worcester Polytechnic Institute File Transfer Protocol Site. ;-) Originally, I'd intended for Pat to be anybody, but as time went on, he had more of my personality in him. He's what I'd be like if (1) I knew martial arts, (2) I were four years younger, (3) I were more demanding, and (4) I had the patience of a saint. Yes, I share the same taste (or lack thereof) in clothes as he does. Do you want to see Pat again? Write to me. Subject: Pat Lee Age: 16 Height: 5'6" Pat Lee is a highly unusual person, to say the least. He adapts quickly to new situations, and is incredibly patient with most people. He's stronger than Ryoga, and very quick. However, he's only moderately agile. Upon his arrival at Furinkan High School, he has shown that he is a very good martial artist, although most of his victories seem to be based upon chance and surprise. He becomes friends with Ranma and Akane, despite a rocky start. Having written to Nabiki for about 5 years, he gets to know the routine of the Tendo household quickly, even with its bizarre happenings. Pat values the truth very highly, and can be somewhat abrasive in obtaining it. He is not nosy, however, and takes the various news as it comes. The only thing that he really fears is his older sister, Beth, who delights in embarassing him with various girlie photos. He learned his martial arts skills from his older brother, Phil. Admittedly, Pat has a slight case of "hero-worship" with Phil, as he writes to him often. Although tough, Pat isn't invulnerable. He has been knocked unconscious by a wooden mallet and flattened by a giant spatula. He appears to have incredible yet inconsistent resiliency, probably due to the fact that he's still learning. Special attacks: Spinning hurricane kick: A series of spin kicks that hits an opponent multiple times. He achieves a continuous clearance from the ground of about a foot (no pun intended). Nuke attack: An exploding energy surge that leaves a fifty-foot diameter crater on the ground and a mushroom cloud in the air. This is his most power- ful attack and leaves him almost totally drained after using it. Dragon's scale shield: A defensive maneuver uses to protect himself from ki- bolts and the like. It first coalesces into a glowing blue medieval shield and then hardens until Pat wills it to disappear. Roaring lion bullet: Ki-bolt technique taught by Ranma. It doesn't work until Ryoga makes the big mistake of inciting Pat to fight. Fierce tiger domineering: Another ki-bolt technique taught by Ranma. It won't work because Pat has very little pride in himself. Rising dragon fist: Jumping ki-reinforced uppercut. Anyone who's played Street Fighter II knows what this is. Used against Ranma's Dragon Spiral Punch, it could go either way. (a cop-out, yes, but I really don't know what would happen.) So, until BGC: Mainframe Marauder.... Bye! All characters except Pat, Phil, and Beth Lee are created by Rumiko Taka- hashi. This is a work of fiction, and should not be confused with what Taka- hashi-sensei has already written. All rights reserved. Copyright 1993.