twoflowr@Glue.umd.edu (Stefan Gagne)

                 Ranma 1/2 : Ministry of Confusion
                              Part 1

           A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne

     (All characters copyright Rumiko Takahashi, obviously.  If I
     ever even considered claiming that these were my own
     characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where
     I'd be forced to eat my own lungs to live.)

-=-

     Hey, kids!  Do ya like that dark future?

     This story SERIES (ongoing until I find an end) is a mix of
what I like best in my FWLS (A Future We'd Like to See) series 
and my Ranma 1/2 anime fanfictions.  As a result, it will be
posted to both rec.arts.anime.stories and alt.cyberpunk.chatsubo,
since it applies to both.  Here are some individual notes for
both groups :

R.A.A.S : This story lifts the Ranma cast out of the series and
          implants it into a dark utopian society.  As a result,
          some relationships are just not going to work right. 
          However, I've tried to keep most of them stable and
          constant... Shampoo still is defeated by Ranma and
          falls in love, Akane and Ranma are still a bit rocky,
          Ryouga is still lost etc.  The only gap would be
          surrounding the Tendo sisters, who have been given a
          much larger role.  It's like the Sailor Ranma series :
          a cross-rip.  Just not ripped with a single series, but
          a blend of all that rocks in the genre of Dark Utopia.

A.C.C  :  Fret not, FWLS isn't dead.  It's not doing well, but
          hopefully this series will be a kick in the ass to it
          to get it in gear, since it'll put me back in the
          cyberpunk frame.  A lot... hell, probably all of you
          are unfamiliar with the anime series Ranma 1/2.  My
          response is don't worry.  The relationships will be
          explained, and you won't need any background material. 
          It'll just look a bit weirder, but since when has weird
          been a BAD thing? >:)  And look at it this way; r.a.a.s
          is *moderated*.  You'll be getting it FIRST! 
          NYAHAHAHA!

[Moderator's note: Um, you do know that when you crosspost to a moderated
group, *all* of the groups wait on the moderator's approval. - MegaZone]

     There won't be a postscript, since this is a series, so I'll
get all the trivia and information out here.  The idea formed
when I was on AnimeMUCK pretending to sell Lum clones.  I smelled
fanfic and figured a cyberpunk anime mix would work nicely,
crafted up a beta universe doc and flashed it around.  Things
went smoothly from there on (I hope, I'm PREDICTING this will
work).

     You will see MANY references or borrows from 1984, Blade
Runner, Brazil and Brave New World.  This isn't truly a parody of
those movies but another in a series, another in a genre,
borrowing from the masters and paying tribute in return.  It's
your basic Boy Meets Girl Boy And Girl Get Crushed By An
Oppressive Bureaucratic Government Which Controls All Aspects of
Life story with a few twists.

     So read over a few stories, see what you think, I'm always
available for commentary or discussion at gagne@locust.cic.net. 
I'll try to keep a running archive of this on my web page,
http://www.wam.umd.edu/~twoflowr/, but it might not be up for
awhile.  I welcome fan art (but probably won't get any. :)

     Enough banter : off to Tokyo.  Please fasten safety belts.

-=-

     "Excuse me, what do you mean you don't have it anymore?"
Ranma Saotome asked the librarian.

     The librarian, a Kasumi model, peered over her just-for-
effect hornrimmed glasses at the boy.  "We don't have it anymore. 
Or rather, won't in a few minutes.  I'm afraid that section of
the library is getting very old, and in accordance with the
Ministry of Sanitation guidelines on safety, it's being carted
away for destruction..."

     "Destruction?" Ranma asked.  "I thought the library didn't
burn books!"

     "It doesn't.  We vaporize them.  Don't worry, sir, the
material won't be lost; we'll be getting the next version of the
book on fireproofed archive format in a month.  If you like, I
can put you on pre-borrow for it..."

     "No thanks," Ranma waved away.  "Have they taken the books
away yet?"

     "The safety officer is still in the back packing them," the
Kasumi said, pointing to the back of the library.

     "Thanks," Ranma thanked, turning around and making a run for
the shelves.

     The book section was clearly visible, even down the
football-stadium sized archives of the Tokyo Public Library.  It
wasn't blue, first of all.  It wasn't plastic, and it wasn't
housing millions of little compact discs.  It was real paper,
with real leather binding; real BOOKS.

     Ranma ran by the endless, unidentifiable shelves of CD
holders, deftly weaving in between researchers carrying stacks
and stacks of the blue plastic containers.  The CD-Readers were,
of course, in another room; there just wasn't enough room in the
library to house both the archives and the readers in the same
area.  This meant that you'd have to walk the football yardage at
least four times, once to get a CD, once to walk back, once to
find a terminal, and once to return the CD.

     Ranma liked books.  He got eyestrain trying to read from a
monitor, and books could be read right where you were standing. 
This floor just wasn't suitable for running, not like the dojo
mats back home, and the less he had to plod across it the better.

     The boy came to a skidding halt at the single shelf of books
left.  Already a Ryouga model in the blue garb of the Ministry of
Sanitation was busy dumping books by the armload into a huge
cart, nearly the size of a chinese junk.

     "Whoa, whoa!" Ranma said, interrupting the man's progress. 
"I need one of those books."

     "Forget it," the Ryouga said.  "These are off to be copied
and fried.  They're hazmat now, too easy to catch on fire.  I
already got in trouble once letting one of these firetraps loose
and having some idiot burn it in a peace protest.  So, before you
ask, no, you can't have the book you want."

     "Please?" Ranma asked.  "I can pay you, mister..."

     "Adam Ryouga Akari," he said.  "And FYI, the Ministry of
Sanitation doublechecks my income twice weekly and I don't need a
bribe on my record, thank you."

     "What would you do if I just TOOK the book?" Ranma asked.

     "Simple.  I'd kick your ass.  Ryouga extenders are rather
good at that," Adam said, cracking his knuckles and smiling.  "I
haven't gotten into a good fight in so long..."

     "Aha!" Ranma said.  "But the library has a Pax Law
Restriction on it.  You'd be breaking the law.  I don't think the
Ministry of Sanitation would approve."

     Adam froze.  He grumbled, bearing some really horrible
dental work.  "Damn.  I hate that law.  Would just tackling you
to the ground count?"

     "'fraid so.  I've read up quite a bit on the Pax laws."

     "You a wannabe lawyer like half these dorks?" Adam asked,
pointing to a few random researchers.

     "Of course not.  I'm a martial artist," Ranma said, puffing
out his chest.  "And in my line of work, you either know where
you can and can't fight or you go to the slammer and dishonor
your family."

     "Terrif," Adam said.  "Well, I happen to be a wannabe lawyer
dork too, and I know that according to the Ministry of Data,
theft of a book from the Tokyo Library is also against the law. 
You could snatch it if you wanna, but you'd be up the creek. 
Whaddya got to say to that, fighter boy?"

     "I don't want to steal it," Ranma said.  "I just want to
borrow it.  I'll be back with it in ten minutes.  How's that
sound?"

     "Errrmmm... iffy," Adam said.  "Alright, it'll take me that
long to load up the rest of these.  If you're not back by the
time I get the cart to the desk on the ten yard line there, I
declare the book stolen and you can be looking at some Ministry
of Sanitation boys on your ass faster than you can blink.  Got
it?"

     "Why is it that you Ryouga extenders are so pissed off all
the time?" Ranma asked, beginning to root through the worker's
cart.

     "We aren't," Adam said.  "Deep down, we're very caring
people who just want to be loved."

     "Then why is it that every Ryouga I've met has hated my
guts?" Ranma asked.

     "Can't like everybody," Adam Ryouga shrugged.

                              *

     Ranma's feet pounded against the knobby steel floor once
more, hurting all the way.  He didn't care, though; he was
running out of time.

     A two minute's jog from one end of the cavernous library to
the other.  One minute to locate the machine.  Three to copy. 
Three to get back.  Nine minutes.  Not Good.

     Still, this was the only legal way Ranma could get the book. 
Ranma couldn't stand all these ridiculous laws, but his dad
knocked some sense into him at an early age, back when he'd break
laws all the time just to be breaking them.  Now he had seen the
light; the laws were still silly, but they could be danced around
in really evil ways.

     For instance, the high-speed copy machine in the Reader
Room.  Nobody used it anymore, but the Ministry of Data was
notorious for not updating equipment terribly fast; it would
still be there, just like it was last time Ranma visited to read
the book.  The book would be destroyed, and very likely changed
before put back on the shelves in CD-ROM format, but HE would
have a copy of it nobody could claim was illegal.

     Well, okay, MILDLY illegal since stacks of paper over fifty
sheets were hazmat, but that was IT.  Really.

     Ranma jogged by the desk where the Kasumi librarian was busy
alphabetizing CDs, and into the tiny doorway of the Reader Room.

     Two minutes down, right on the dot by Ranma's archaic wind-
up watch.  He jogged down row after row of identical grey boxes,
each flashing the ASCII of the archives to various bored-looking
researchers.  His machine was grey too, but didn't have a screen,
and it was about... THREE rows over, one column...

     There.

     Ranma grinned evilly and stepped up to the dusty machine,
forcing the input slot open and stuffing the book inside. 
Sliding his Tokyo Express card through the reader, the xerox
machine rumbled to life like so much kitchenware falling down a
mountain.  It shuddered, it shook, it whanged loudly against the
wall several times.  Ranma didn't care about the confused looks
from the readers and the readers manning them; he was almost
there.

     Ding!  Three hundred sheets of ultra-thin paper slid into
the slot, the robotic staple-nailer jamming three identical bolts
through the spine.  KACHUNK, KACHUNK, KACHUNK and he had a
perfect color copy of the book.  Sans cover, but whatever.

     Ranma stuffed the copy into his backpack and yanked open the
book slot, pulling on the textbook inside.

     Which was jammed.

     He made some experimental tugs on the book, which rattled
around in the slot like a cheap brass doorknob.  The book was
stuck, the dented spine caught on the copier's page-turning arm.

     "No, no, this can't be happening..." he mumbled, using both
hands to pull at the book.  His watch said he had two minutes to
get his ass back into the library and over to Adam...

     AH, Forget it.  There were easier ways to do this.

     Ranma reared back with his hand, curling up the fingers into
a fist.  With a WHOOSH of displaced air, the fist slammed through
the cheap metal and plastic of the copier, breaking it to
component parts.  Each bit and gizmo in the copier gave up and
fell into a heap of fragments, never to work again.

     Grinning evilly, Ranma pulled the book easily out of the
wreckage, and made a run for it.

                              *

     "Hey, you seen a kid come by here?" Adam Ryouga Akari asked
the librarian, slowly pulling his massive load towards the main
door.  "Tacky red shirt, black hair, pigtail?  Or is it a
ponytail?  One of the two, old hairstyle.  I think he was about
sixteen."

     "A boy with that description just ran into the Reading Room
at unsafe speeds several minutes ago," the Kasumi librarian said,
pointing to the door with a pen.

     "Buggering book thief.  Alright, you better report one of
the books as missing."

     "Which one?" Kasumi asked, pulling a digital notepad out
from a desk drawer.

     The door to the Reading Room burst open, bouncing off the
wall and closing itself.  It didn't close fast enough for Ranma
to sprint, screaming all the way, through the door and headfirst
into the book cart.

     "Hrmph!" Ranma mumbled under a small pile of economy
textbooks, waving the original book around in the air.  He pulled
his face out of the profit and gross national product, and handed
the book to the workman.

     "I'll be damned, you didn't swipe it," the Ryouga worker
noted, fiddling with the book.  "Go off for a quick read, huh?"

     "Could say that," Ranma said, hopping out of the cart. 
"Kasumi, I think your photocopier broke."

     "That's Ada Kasumi Francis to you," the librarian corrected. 
"It's okay, sir, the Ministry of Data was going to replace it
later today anyway."

     "Guess I struck it lucky," Ranma nodded.

                              *

     Ranma paged through his book, slumped against the wall of
his family dojo.  He turned page after page, slightly smudgy but
certainly readable, and chock full of information.

     "Hey, dad, did you know that they used to let you own and
drive a car in Tokyo?" Ranma asked.

     "What, not just taxis?" Genma Saotome asked, pausing in his
punches to a training dummy.  "Isn't that bad for the city? 
Traffic and pollution would be terrible."

     "Pollution is already terrible, dad."

     "I mean worse than it is now.  Bad air is bad for breathing,
which hinders how well you perform in combat."

     "Speaking of which, why haven't you attacked me yet?" Ranma
asked, setting the book down.  "It's been all night and not a
single patented Saotome School of Anything-Goes Martial Arts Pop
Training Session."

     "I have more important plans for you tonight, boy," Genma
said, pushing up his glasses.

     "I don't think I like the sound of that."

     "Nonsense, boy.  It's about time you faced up to your
obligations to carry on the family name!" Genma huffed.

     "I REALLY don't think I like the sound of that.  Dad,
what're you talking about?

     "Congratulations, Ranma, you're engaged!" his dad cheered,
shaking Ranma's hand strongly.

     Ranma took advantage of the moment to casually toss his dad
across the room and into a wall.  Genma impacted upside down, and
slid down the wall to a halt.

     "That was impolite, Ranma," Genma noted, flipping over into
a standing position.  "You had better not be that impolite to
your new fiancee."

     "What do you mean, pop?" Ranma asked.  "You know I don't
have time for a fiancee.  I've got my training to worry about. 
And this," he added, pointing to the book.

     "YOU FOOL!  You're in no position to whine about time
constraints," Genma warned, wandering off to his room.  From
inside the cheap plastic walls, the continued. "Listen, Ranma,
before your dear mother passed on, I promised her you'd be
carrying on the proud line of the Saotome family.  Since you've
shown NO signs of doing that on your own, I've had to press the
issue.  You brought this on yourself, boy.  Now take it like a
man."

     "You can't MAKE me marry anybody, pop.  It's in the law."

     "Quit quoting your law books at me and give me a hand with
this," Genma demanded, pushing in a huge crate.

     "Eh?" Ranma asked.  "What's this?"

     "It's... URGH... your new... RRG... fiancee!" Genma
finished, having pushed the crate to the center of the room.

     "I'm married to a box?" Ranma asked, confused.

     "Of course not, boy.  I've scrimped and saved for two years,
and finally I had enough to grow you an extender to make a fine
wife!" Genma cheered.  "I read the sales brochure.  She's
guaranteed to be a good housewife, a kind mother and a lifelong
companion.  She's perfect, son!"

     "Aw, YUCK!" Ranma gagged, pretending to stick a finger down
his throat.  "Dad, you got me one of those clone things to MARRY? 
That's... TWISTED.  Can those things even... well... you know?"

     "You should know," Genma grinned in an unpleasant way.

     "And why is that?"

     "Who do you think YOUR mother was?" Genma asked, folding his
arms in triumph.

     Ranma opened his mouth to rebuke, but nothing came out.  He
left his mouth open, brain scrambling like a chicken with its
head cut off, looking for anything he could say.  How was he
supposed to react to that?

     "You're lying," Ranma confirmed.

     "She was a Nodoka model, Ranma.  Missus Abigail Nodoka
Saotome.  The finest woman I'll ever know... a gentle soul
truly... how it broke your father's heart when she was involved
in that taxi accident.  And YES, she was an extended human, just
like your new fiancee."

     "I'm... a half breed?" Ranma asked.

     "Don't be dense, boy.  The Ministry of Sanitation would
never allow messy genes to cause medical problems.  You're 100%
human, just like any child of an extender and a normal human. 
And so is she, just a little bit... better.  It's perfectly
acceptable in the society we live in, son.  It's just the
adjusted natural order of things."

     "This is nuts," Ranma concluded.  "Totally and completely
nuts.  Mom couldn't have been a clone, it's just... silly.  How
can one of those things be a real person?  HOW?"

     "If you doubt, take a look at THIS!" Genma said, popping the
latch on the crate open and swinging the door open with a
flourish.

     A shower of styrofoam peanuts rained down upon Ranma,
followed by a lumpy object which sent him crashing to the floor. 
Buried under fluffy bits of not-snow, he waved his arms wildly
around, grabbing at the air and trying to push the sack of
potatoes that had fallen on him OFF.

     He was rather surprised when it moved away on its own.

     Ranma forced himself into a sitting position, spitting out
rice cake bits and shaking his hair dandruff-free.  He turned to
yell at his dad for doing that, but there was a naked girl in the
way.

     "AIEEEE!" she yelled, diving under the sea level of the
peanut ocean.  "PERVERT!"

     Before Ranma could object, a slap landed heavy and hard on
his right cheek.

     "Hrm.  Forgot they shipped them without clothes," Genma
noted.  "You stay here and get acquainted with your new fiancee,
Ranma, and I'll go get the outfit I bought for her."

     Ranma nodded weakly, not sure what else he should do.  He
avoided looking at the girl right in the eyes.

     "Umm, hi," he greeted without looking.

     "Ugh," she groaned.  "Peanuts?  I was shipped like stereo
equipment?  That's awful!  And like THIS... and you looked, you
pervert!"

     "Hey, wait a minute, I did NOT--" Ranma protested, turning
to face her.  She ducked under to cover herself, and Ranma
continued.  "I did NOT know you were gonna be like that.  It's my
dad's fault for literally springing this on me-- and YOU slapped
me, you violent girl!"

     "Only because you were leering!"

     "I wasn't 'leering'.  I was 'shocked'.  There's a
difference, and certainly one that doesn't warrant being pounded
by some maniac."

     "MANIAC?  Who's the hentai loon here, you or me?"

     "Just my luck, dad bought me a tomboy," Ranma humphed.

     "Just my luck, I'm engaged to a pervert," Akane countered. 
"Where's that dress already?  I'm freezing!"

     "So you're an extended human, huh?" Ranma asked, wanting to
switch to a topic that didn't involve violent perverts.

     "I'm just Akane," she replied.  "As for extended, if that's
what you call it, whatever."

     "Whoa.  Give me SOME credit for knowing how this works in
relation to the name game.  Akane's your middle name, right? 
>From the person you're cloned off of?"

     "My FIRST name is Akane, pervert."

     "Hey, if I recall, *I* get to pick your first name," Ranma
said.  "Purchase of growth rights, Ministry of Data Extender Grow
Laws.  I dub thee Tomboy Akane Saotome.  It's very you."

     "It's AKANE TENDO, not TOMBOY!" Akane said, hoisting herself
up in anger, ignoring the results.  "And I'm NOT going to marry
you!"

     "Fine by me," Ranma said.  "I wouldn't want to marry someone
named Tomboy anyway.  People would talk."

     "I wouldn't want to marry a pervert."

     "Now, look--"

     "I got the dress!" Genma said, leaning in from his bedroom. 
"Umm.  Is something wrong?"

     "Gimmie that!" Akane yelled, charging across the room and
snatching the dress.  She was a pink blur on her way into Genma's
room to change.  Genma blinked at the spot of space where the
dress used to be.

     "What back alley clinic was she grown in, dad?" Ranma asked,
standing up in the landslide.  "She's a violent freak!  Kinda
like one of the Ryouga extenders out of control."

     "It MIGHT be a defect..." Genma wondered.  "I got it
directly from the Ministry of Data's Biogen Division.  I wanted
quality for you, boy.  Isn't she kind and nice and such?"

     "HA!  Demonic is more like it."

     "Hrm... maybe I ought to call the MoD," Genma thought.

     "Forget it, dad," Ranma said.  "I'm not marrying ANYBODY. 
Especially not an extender.  Go see if you can buy some normal
girl off the street if you're so eager to play meat market for
me, okay?"

     "RANMA, you've got no right to be picky about women!" Genma
growled, getting mad.  "If I say you're marrying this Akane,
you're marrying her.  You do NOT have a say in the matter."

     "This bites, dad.  I'm outta here," Ranma said, fishing
through the mess for his prized book.

     "Where do you think YOU'RE going?" Genma asked.

     "Anywhere," Ranma said.  "I'm going to go read.  Or train. 
SOMETHING.  This is no time for fiancees."

     "FINE by me," Akane said, wandering out of Genma's room,
still buttoning the yellow dress up.  "I'm out of here."

     "Whoa, wait a minute!" Genma protested.  "Akane, I paid two
years' salary to have you grown for my son.  Now, I know you
aren't legally obligated, but you ARE honor bound to stay with
him."

     "Honor?  What honor is there in being grown from a tube for
a baka like him?" Akane asked.

     "Baka?  Who're you calling a--"

     Something's wrong here, Genma thought.  Extenders don't
normally disapprove of who they are or why they're around... what
was wrong with this one?  Something had to be wrong.  He had paid
way too much money on his son's happiness to let it be ruined
now.

     "I've got to go make a call," Genma announced to the two
kids, who were too busy arguing to notice.

                              *

     "Look, we had more than enough shipping problems AS IS with
your extender," the clerk responded testily.  "Replacements,
double checking, debugging... and now you're saying she's
DEFECTIVE?"

     "Exactly!  She's not getting along at all with my boy. 
She's not anything the brochure claimed.  What's going on down
there, boy?  Why, I remember when my dad ordered MY wife that she
was something special, a diamond in the rough... this thing you
shipped me is just the rough."

     "I'll pass your comment along," the clerk said, "But I can't
do anything.  The warranty is null and void in the event of a
defect in the product."

     "What?!"

     "Hey, if it wasn't, we'd have to chuck our 100% satisfaction
advert, right?" the clerk said, smugly.  "She's your problem now,
pops.  Thank you for choosing Ministry of Data Biogen.  Click."

     "I oughtta come down there and give you the thrashing of
your--"

     "PERVERT!"

     "TOMBOY!"

     Genma groaned, hanging the phone up.  This wasn't how it was
supposed to go at all.  He KNEW what was supposed to happen, a
carbon copy of the day he met Abigail Nodoka... maybe he should
have had the box on the right end when he opened it, but to have
this mess arise from THAT?

     It was his bed now, and he'd have to lie in it. 
Technically, Ranma would have to lie in it, but family honor
doesn't localize.

     "Alright, you two, knock it off!" Genma demanded, exiting
his bedroom.  "I don't care how you two feel about each other,
Akane's here and we're going to have to deal with it."

     "Pop, you can't be serious--"

     "What, would you have me toss her out on the streets?" Genma
asked.

     "Well... no, but... isn't there anything you can do?  Call
the factory and recall her or something?"

     "Recall?" Akane asked, insulted.  "I'm not a refrigerator,
I'm a human being!"

     "I checked.  They don't do recalls," Genma noted.  "She's
going to have to live with us until she figures out what she
wants to do, Ranma, like it or not.  Get used to the idea."

                              *

     The air hung thick with tension in the Saotome home that
night.

     Ranma and Akane rarely exchanged words, relying only on the
occasional evil glare as a communications medium.  Genma tried to
calm the two down and get them together with hearty family
activity, which didn't work very well at all.

     "How about bowling?" Genma suggested.

     "She'd just drop a ball on my foot," Ranma said.

     "Then let's go to a movie!"

     "Nothing new is out."

     "ANYTHING!  You two can't just sit around the dojo and be
mad at each other all night.  You're engaged."

     "Not under Ministry of Data marriage law we aren't.  Nothing
is legal until the papers go through to finalize the wedding,"
Ranma quoted.

     "Is this a dojo?" Akane asked.

     Ranma turned around slowly, not sure how to react to the
only non-insulting thing Akane had said all night.  "Yeah.  It's
the Saotome School of Anything-Goes Martial Arts."

     "I used to train in a dojo like this years ago," Akane said.

     "No you didn't.  You weren't even alive years ago."

     "Well, WHENEVER Ranma.  Point is I remember it, okay?  Let's
put it to good use.  I'll spar with you."

     "Spar?" Ranma asked.  "Ummm... I'd rather not..."

     "Calm down, I won't hurt you for real," Akane said, getting
up from her seat.  "Unless, of course, you're afraid to get
hurt..."

     "Yeah, right, like you could hurt me," Ranma said.  "Okay,
let's get this over with."

     "That's what I like to see!" Genma applauded.  "You two are
getting along just fine--"

     "HIYA!" Akane yelled, rushing at Ranma with a punch.  Ranma
easily ducked it, and sprung back up with a bounce that neatly
avoided Akane's sweeping kick.

     Genma leaned back and enjoyed the moment as the two kids
fought.  At least they weren't arguing; and such HEALTHY
activity, too!  Healthy until someone got hit, of course, but
Genma knew Ranma better than that.

     Akane didn't, however, and pressed the attack on as Ranma
ducked, dodged, and otherwise avoided every single blow.  In a
final desperate attack, Akane managed to punch straight through
the nonflammable plywood of the dojo wall -- Ranma simply jumped
over her and tapped her on the shoulder from behind.

     "Done yet?" he asked.

     "Why... why didn't you fight back?" Akane asked.

     "Simple.  I don't hit girls," Ranma said.  "It's not right."

     Akane started to ask why, but was interrupted by a knock at
the door, knuckle on fireproof plastic.

     "I'll get that," Genma said, walking across the dojo floor. 
he reached out and opened the door, greeted by the cheery green
of a Ministry of Economics worker.

     "This the Saotome Dojo?" the worker asked, noisily clacking
some chewing gum.

     "The Saotome School of Anything-Goes Martial Arts, yes,"
Genma nodded.  "Can I help you?"

     "Certainly.  You called the Ministry of Data earlier about a
defective Akane extender, right?" he asked.  "One that went kinda
not-so-right in the head, yes?"

     "I am NOT crazy," Akane said, getting defensive.

     "Uh-huh," the workman replied.  "Well, I've got a recall
order here to take her in to figure out what went wrong.  Come
along, miss."

     "Wait a second," Ranma said, cutting in front of his father. 
"Something's fishy here.  If anybody would be recalling her, it
would be the Ministry of Data, right?  I mean, it was THEIR labs
that grew her for my dad.  Why would the Ministry of Money be
interested in her?"

     "That's Ministry of Economics, lad," the workman reminded. 
"Well, you know how it is, a veritable Ministry of Confusion, as
usual with these things.  See, you've got your Ministry of
Sanitation handling cleaning up the crime pun intended, you've
got your Ministry of Data doing genetic research and cloning, and
Ministry of Economic's been picking up the slack where they can
find it.  Ministry of Peace ain't gonna do it because they're too
busy fighting on the front, you know?  Akane here is a special
case scenario which the good 'ol MoE is gonna handle.  I've got
orders from the Director herself."

     "According to law, Tomboy Akane Saotome--"

     "HEY!"

     "--has rights too," Ranma said.  "I'll need to see a warrant
before you can do anything."

     "Don't need one," the man said, gum clicking away.  "She's
not registered yet and doesn't count.  Now come on, lad, don't
make this any harder than it's got to be.  She's hazmat now, too
dangerous to leave unchecked.  Don't wont to impede public
safety, do we?"

     "What exactly are you planning on doing to her?" Ranma
asked.

     "Oh, the usual.  Take her apart and see what went wrong. 
Got to do research to prevent future botch jobs, you know?  S'not
good for sales to have loose cannons running around."

     "Are you planning on putting her back together again?"

     "Huh?  'course not, lad.  What made you think that?"

     "What exactly do you plan to do if she doesn't WANT to go?"
Ranma asked.

     "Oh, probably call in a few of the lads to grab her.  Rather
high priority, she is."

     "And if I object too?" Ranma asked.

     "That'd be impeding a Ministry of Economics investigation,
lad, and a felony."

     "Thought so," Ranma said.  "Dad, sorry, gotta break the law. 
I'll apologize later."

     Before Genma could say a word, Ranma had slammed a haymaker
across the workman's jaw.  The workman fell over, with the same
bored look on his face he walked in with.

     "Alright, Akane, let's go," Ranma said, grabbing Akane by
the arm and making a run for it.

     "RANMA!  What are you doing?" Genma asked.  "You just hit an
officer from the Ministry of Economics!"

     "I know.  I'm sorry," Ranma said.  "Gotta go."

     With that, Ranma was out the door and running, Akane in tow.

                                   *

     "Ra... RANMA... slow down!" Akane demanded, digging her
shoes into the pavement to drag Ranma back a little.

     "Come on, you KNOW they're gonna swarm the place any minute
now," Ranma said.  "You want those freaks to take you off to the
Ministry of Economics and rip you to bits?  Huh?"

     "No, of course not!  But..."

     "But what?" Ranma asked.  "Don't object to the person who's
saving your life."

     "Why ARE you saving my life?" Akane asked.

     "Why?  Why... I don't know.  Because I don't like to see
people die.  Because I know the Ministries are run by jerks. 
Because I found out how things USED to be and I just feel like
exploding when I see what's they've done to it since," Ranma
said, stopping in his tracks.  "I've had to obey the law, dodge
around it on a promise to my dad up until now, but I can't handle
this anymore.  Especially not someone charging in and asking if
we could hand you over to be slaughtered.  That never would have
been done before, I've been reading about the way we used to
li..."

     Ranma paused, searching that thought.  He quickly pulled his
cheap backpack off his shoulders, and ripped the zipper open.

     "What?" Akane asked, looking into the backpack.  "What's
wrong?"

     "It's not here!" Ranma said, in fear.  "I left it back at
the dojo!"

     "Left what?"

     "My book!" Ranma said, dropping the backpack completely. 
"It was the only copy left on Earth... I gotta go back for it."

     "Didn't you just say the place would be swarming with
people?  What's so important about a book?"

     "It's not just a book," Ranma said.  "It's the past.  It's
the only history textbook I've ever found that goes back, back
farther than the millennium end.  I need to go get it.  YOU stay
here."

     "But you'll need help--"

     "I don't want you getting hurt," Ranma said.  "It's my book,
I'll get it.  Don't move."

     "But--"

     Ranma was already twenty feet away and accelerating,
straight back on the path they had taken to escape the hornet's
nest.

     Hmph.  Idiot, Akane thought.  I hope nothing horrible
happens to him, though.

                              *

     "That was really dumb, Saotome," a green-suited solider
said, poking through the Ministry of Data package with a rifle
end.  "Honestly, buying him an extender?  A *bride*?  You should
know better than to introduce a potentially hazardous element
into the mix."

     "I know, I know," Genma said.  "Still, I did feel obligated. 
Abigail Nodoka made me promise..."

     "It doesn't apply, now does it?" the soldier asked. 
"Whatever.  The damage is done.  We'll get whatever data we can
and cover up the rest."

     "What are you going to do to them?" Genma asked.

     "We're not authorized to tell you that," the soldier
replied.  "Alright, boys, they're probably not coming back. 
Let's fan out and search the area.  I want those kids back alive. 
You find one, you'll find the other."

     The other soldiers nodded, and began exiting the dojo
through the various holes they had made on the way in.  Genma
frowned at his ruined dojo; all this, just to look for an
extender that had turned wayward...

     "Pop!" Ranma called, hanging from the ceiling via an air
duct.  "Yoo hoo!"

     "Ranma?" Genma asked, looking up.  "What're you doing up
there?"

     "I've been here for five minutes.  What were you doing
talking to those psychos, dad?"

     "I can't explain," Genma said, regretfully.  "Look, you'd
better just take Akane and go somewhere safe.  It's too dangerous
for you two to stay here."

     "I know," Ranma said, dropping to the floor, twisting in the
air to land like a cat.  "Dad... are you mad at me?"

     "For what, boy?"

     "Breaking the law.  I know you made me promise on my
mother's grave that I'd never do it again, way back when I was
six..."

     "Son, there's a time for respecting the government and there
are times when you can't," Genma said.  "At this point, I trust
you to make that decision.  Your mother would approve."

     "Good," Ranma said, calming down slightly.  "Anyway, I just
came back for one thing..."

     He walked over to the room where Akane originally landed on
him, and picked through the rubble.  Finding his color copied
book, he dusted the cover off until he could make out the words :
History of the World, Twentieth Century.

     "I think I know a way to keep her safe from them," Ranma
said, stuffing the book under his shirt.  "I've got a plan
that'll let me end this nonsense quickly and get on with my life. 
Bye, dad.  I'll be back soon."

     With that, Ranma jumped up to the air duct he had crawled in
from and exited, just as silently as he had entered.

     "Just make sure you're safe too, Ranma," Genma said to
himself.  "You've got more reason to worry than she does."

                         End of File
                         Ministry of Data record GH.3704.7734.1
                         Private use only


                 Ranma 1/2 : Ministry of Confusion
                              Part 2

           A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne

     (All characters copyright Rumiko Takahashi, obviously.  If I
     ever even considered claiming that these were my own
     characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where
     I'd be forced to eat my own lungs to live.)

-=-

     Ryouga squelched through the rain, blinding running from
building to building.  WHERE?  Where could she have gone?  After
so much time and effort to develop another extender without
mental inhibitors, to lose her in a shipping error was just...
just... stupid.

     He walked up to the nearest door, and forced it open. 
Ignoring the confused looks from the family of four inside, he
repeated his question :

     "Where is the Saotome Dojo?!"

     The family blinked a bit, not sure what to say.  Ryouga
pulled the waterproof, fireproof map out of his backpack and held
it out for the head of the house to examine.

     The father peered at the laminated paper, trying to figure
out what it was.  "Hrm.  That's a map of the Nerima district,
isn't it?  North side of Tokyo?"

     "Exactly," Ryouga nodded.  "How do I get there?"

     "But... this is the Juku district," the man said.  "The
farthest southeastern point in Tokyo.  You're fifty miles away at
least."

     "Fi... fifty miles?" Ryouga asked.  "Nevermind.  Sorry to
bother you.  Goodbye."

     "But--"

     Ryouga shut the door behind him, entering the rain once
more.  WHY?  Why did he have to completely burn out his sense of
direction while fighting his own mental inhibitors?  What justice
was there in it?

     Time was running out.  The longer it took to find her, the
more likely it would be for the Ministry of Data to notice the
error and try to get her back.  Or the Ministry of Sanitation, or
maybe even the Ministry of Peace; none of them would be happy
with an extender loose on the streets that had free will.

     What they'd do to her was too horrible to think about.

     "Akane, I WILL find you!" Ryouga called to the rains.  "I
promise you!"

     "You too, huh?" a man next to him asked, polishing off a
cigarette.  "Don't get myself what's so big about this stray
Akane model."

     "Huh?" Ryouga asked, turning around.  "Who're you?"

     "Ryan Tuttle Giji," the man said.  "Ministry of Data.  So're
you, by the uniform."

     "Uniform?  Oh, yeah," Ryouga nodded, remembering that he had
yet to take off his yellow MoD lab coat from this morning's work. 
"So... I take it the MoD is having trouble?"

     "Yeah.  Mousse's got us scouring the city for some Akane
model and a human who's helping her hide," he said.  "Don't catch
the point myself, since the Ministry of Sanitation'll probably
pick them up first.  Or Ministry of Peace.  You know how it goes,
right?  MoC?"

     "Ministry of Confusion, yes," Ryouga nodded, recognizing the
popular joke term.

     "They all got their reasons.  Data doesn't want anybody to
know they botched it up, Sanitation is worried about public
safety and Peace wants... ah, I don't know what they want. 
Nobody does, that's how buggering secretive those blokes are. 
Rumor has it the Ministry of Economics even has people out
looking for her tonight.  A full squad of guys with guns.  Wot's
the Ministry of Economics doing with a swat team?  Argh.  Kinda
makes you sick, don't it?"

     "I... don't follow."

     "It's such a sodding waste of resources!  Every Ministry is
sweeping the city.  They can't decide who should handle it, so
they're all doing it.  Most of us don't even know why we're doing
it," Ryan said.  "I don't buy Data's excuse.  Data claims it's
just trying to get the defective Akane back.  Won't work. 
Peace'll get the kids, sure thing; that's what they're good at. 
I give up.  Wanna go back to the shop 'n have a few cups?  No use
hanging out in the rain.  I'm a scientist, not a bounty hunter."

     "N... no thanks," Ryouga said.  "I'm going to keep looking. 
I've got orders, like you do, right?"

     "Suit yourself.  Catch your death of cold if it's your
fancy," Ryan said.  "Care for a cig?"

     "Sorry, I don't smoke."

     "What do you do at MoD, anyway?" Ryan asked.  "I haven't
seen you around.  Well, maybe I have, but with all the bloody
Ryougas we have running around, I'd never know it were YOU."

     "Oh, this and that," Ryouga said.  "I lift the heavy stuff. 
Carry files around.  Reload the biotanks... things like that. 
Sometimes I handle data entry into the tanks."

     "Tricky business, that.  Maybe this Akane's your fault,"
Ryan joked.  "Put in a B where you should have put a T or
something and gummed her brain up something awful, eh?"

     "I did NOTHING of the sort!" Ryouga exclaimed.  "I'm a loyal
Ministry of Data worker and I do not tamper with the goods!"

     "Whoa, whoa mate, I'm only kidding," Ryan protested, backing
off.  "Probably just another bloody inhibitor error.  I wish
they'd stop using generation twos, they're unreliable.  'sides,
you Ryouga extenders are too bloody strong for 'em.  Keep
overriding the program, developing mental viruses to keep the
inhibitors from working.  Gone total frankenstein, you know?"

     "Lucky thing I have no intentions of doing that," Ryouga
lied.  "The Ministry of Sanitation would hunt me down for
presenting a danger to the public."

     "Right on, mate.  That's the whole problem, we need stronger
inhibitors.  'course, can't tell the public too much about those,
right?  Make 'em get all edgy about man's rights to free will and
all.  Laymen.  Just don't follow why we do it, right?"

     "Why do you think they stick those things in extenders?"
Ryouga asked, genuinely interested.

     "Well, the official banter is that by keeping 'em from
breaking the law or objecting to what they are, it prevents messy
conflict and social disorder.  I think it's just some silly
Ministry power play, like they're sticking subliminals in there
to whack MoP troopers or whatever if the Ministry of Data decides
to take over.  We deserve it, what with the crap we put up with
on a daily basis from those other Ministries..."

     "Tell me about it," Ryouga nodded.  "Just today I was
hauling boxes and boxes of research data over to the Ministry of
Economics.  They never tells us Ryougas why, of course, we're
just the delivery boys."

     "Dark stuff goin' on in Tokyo, lad," Ryan said, puffing
away.  "I'd move off to the Americas if they'd let me.  Like it
or not, I guarantee you when the crap hits the fan the MoD is
going to be the first to go down."

     "You think someone's going to bomb the Ministry of Data?"
Ryouga asked.  "Like, terrorists?"

     "Wouldn't put it past them.  Either terrorists or another
Ministry.  Wossname?  The Commander of the Peace.  Never trusted
her.  If she doesn't get us, those ridiculous Ministry of
Confusion Anarchists will get us.  Blown up, either way.  You
hear about the Anarchists, lad?"

     "Of course.  They're on the news every day," Ryouga nodded.

     "I'm surprised the MoP or MoS hasn't bagged them yet," Ryan
said.  "Just a bunch of street punks, adopting a perfectly
harmless joke term for a terror threat.  Nuisances, all of them. 
You see one of those lads, you steer clear, hear?  They're
nothing but trouble."

     "I'll keep that in mind.  Listen, mister... um..."

     "Ryan.  Ryan Tuttle Giji."

     "Yes, Ryan.  I'd better go off looking for that lost Akane,"
Ryouga said.

     "Luck to you, though you'll probably not succeed," Ryan
said, tipping his hat.  "Those two kids are probably already in
some dungeon in the pits of the MoP by now.  I'm off to the lab. 
Obligatory overtime to pull."

     Ryouga nodded, and walked away in a random direction.  He
probably won't be going back to the lab, not after they discover
what he did.  It's not often that someone copies a part of their
own mind into a growing extender.

     He didn't have a choice, really.  The other Ryougas that had
broken through the inhibitors and developed a natural resistance
to them were mad, driven insane by the effort of breaking your
own mind.  Ryouga managed to centralize his own attack on his
sense of direction, destroying it completely but surviving
intact.

     The only safe way for an extender to break free of the
chains of an inhibitor was to have a natural resistance built in
before the inhibitors arrived.  Ryouga had no choice but to try
and implant his own immunity into a growing extender.  It was the
only way to see if it was possible, the only way to see if his
race had a future.

     Besides, he was in love with the Akane in question.

     He knew this when he first laid eyes on her projected final
growth report.  So beautiful... so innocent.  She'd never know
what they intended to do until it was done, the Ministry of Data
Biogen scientists using inhibitors to suppress the clone's
natural personality and render her docile.  It was a crime to do
something that horrible to a sweet girl like that, who couldn't
do anything to fight back.

     Ryouga gave her a weapon to fight their plans, and it had
worked.  Through careful work, he managed to let her grow, immune
to the inhibitors which were installed partway through her growth
cycle.  When the final day came, this day, she was ready to be
shipped to the fake address he gave them at his hideout.  She'd
be safe, secure, and the first in a new line of freemen.

     Then... something went wrong.  Chaos gripped the Biogen
department of the Ministry of Data today.  Ryouga wasn't sure
what went wrong, but through the myriad of transactions and
coverups he traced his Akane to the Saotome Dojo.  The fake stats
he had programmed into her purchase order had matched Genma
Saotome's order to the letter, and she was going to be a
replacement.

     At his hideout, he could have ushered her to safety before
anybody noticed.  Now the city was crawling with people, oddly
more than have ever been assigned to other free extender cases. 
Even the most dangerous of all free extenders, a Ryouga which had
gone insane, only merited a squad of Ministry of Sanitation
officers.

     Just his luck that the woman of his dreams was also the
subject of the largest manhunt in Tokyo's history.  And what was
this about someone protecting her?  Perhaps it would be good for
Akane in the end to have a protector, but that was the role
Ryouga had selected for himself... if she wasn't captured, this
other person might hide her away forever, never to be seen again!

     Ryouga cursed his rotten luck, running through the soaked
streets of Tokyo's night.  He picked another door at random, and
pulled it open.

     "Where is the Saotome Dojo?!" he asked.

     The six Ministry of Peace officers looked back at him,
confused.

     Ryouga looked around.  Ornate pillars... poor lighting...
marble walls... thirty foot seal of the Ministry of Peace on the
floor.  He had walked directly into the Ministry itself.

     "Why do you want to know?" one of the soldiers asked.

     "Umm.  Err.  No reason," Ryouga shrugged.  "Just looking for
a workout.  I'm due for a lesson."

     "Commander, we have a code yellow in the lobby," the soldier
said to the open air.  "Some Ministry of Data Ryouga who asked
about the dojo by name.  Orders?"

     "Hmmm," the air replied.  It was the voice of a woman,
musing over things the way one might muse over nuclear war. 
"Bring him to chamber twelve, I'll be right down."

     Ryouga tried to make a run for the door, only to find no
door.  The wall had silently slid closed, cutting off his escape
route.  He turned to face the soldiers, and was greeted by an
electrical arc from a taser rifle, putting him out like a light.

                              *

     Ryouga's vision un-blurred, trying to focus in the dim
light.

     He couldn't move; some kind of restraint was wrapped around
him, looped in various ways to prevent any of his limbs from
twitching.  Obviously whoever had him down knew a few things
about Ryougas; even with his naturally herculean strength, he
couldn't budge the bonds.

     "That will be all for now, Fritz," the female voice said
again.  Ryouga heard a door open and close, unable to see any
light or movement in the dark.  The voice hovered near head
level.

     "You've been a naughty little boy, Ryouga Hibiki," the voice
said.  "My, my.  Tampering with Ministry of Data property, trying
to implant your own immunity into another extender.  That's
illegal, you realize.  You should be dead by now."

     "So go ahead and kill me," Ryouga cheerfully suggested.

     "Ohohohoho!  I don't think so.  Not yet," the voice replied,
sliding around in front of him.  "Your usefulness is too great to
simply remove you from the picture.  I suppose you'll be wanting
some light before I continue?"

     "It would be nice, yeah," Ryouga spat.

     She turned on the lights.

     "K... Ko... KODACHI Kunou?!" Ryouga gasped.

     "That's Commander of the Peace Kodachi Kunou to you, clone,"
she warned, pointing the handle of a gymnastics ribbon at you. 
"I've already taken the liberty to pick your mind electronically
and learn what you've done, but for the life of me I can't tell
why you're putting yourself at such risk for another Akane copy. 
So, I've revived you to ask.  What is it about this one that has
you putting yourself in jeopardy?"

     "What should it matter to you?" Ryouga asked.  "I'm just
another extender, a sheep to you.  Don't think I don't know about
the inhibitors.  You've tried to hide them from the public, but I
work at the Ministry of Data and I know what they REALLY do. 
You're using them to make people with no free will."

     Kodachi neatly whipped her ribbon out, slapping Ryouga one
across the cheek.  "Not so.  Besides, you're talking to the wrong
Ministry.  If you have a beef with the extender program, tell the
MoD.  I just handle this nation's wars and conflicts.  I would
also be handling the sentencing of you and the other lawbreakers
if it wasn't for that blasted Kasumi's meddling... but that's
another matter.  Now, answer my original question; what is it
about this Akane that makes her special?"

     "I love her, that's what!" Ryouga snapped.  "Like you could
understand my suffering--"

     "Enough with the angst, clone," Kodachi warned.  "Drat.  I
was hoping you knew why the Ministry of Economics was so eagar to
get those two kids back.  What is it about them that has the
Ministries so alarmed?  I've scrambled my own forces of course,
not wanting to miss out on the fun, but I'd like to know why I'm
doing it.  Love, huh?  Pity.  I was hoping for something more
informative.  Do you know anything of this other one, the human
that seems to be helping her?"

     "I thought you were just interest in eliminating a free-
thinking 'clone'," Ryouga noted..

     "What, her?  Let the Ministry of Sanitation handle that, if
they're so keen on keeping order." Kodachi said, "My concern is
with the pair, but specifically the human.  It seems like BOTH of
them are in dutch.  What I need is someone who can get in close
and find out what's going on.  I believe that would be you,
Ryouga."

     "I'm not going to cooperate with any of your plans."

     "So be it," Kodachi nodded.  "You're free to go.  You'll
find your lab coat and silly umbrella by the door.  Remember the
Ministry of Peace for any of your later invasion needs."

     "Wh... wait.  I'm free?" Ryouga asked.

     "Since you know nothing more about the situation than I do,
yes," Kodachi nodded.  "Go seek out your precious Akane if you
want.  Just beware my troops when we find them."

     Kodachi whipped her ribbon out and snagged a lever next to
Ryouga's interrogation table, and pulled.  The restraints
uncurled themselves, the single strip of superstrong fabric
unwinding itself like a snake over Ryouga's limbs.

     "Now get out of here before I change my mind," Kodachi said,
pointing to the door.  "I'll have one of my guards lead you to
the door.

     Ryouga nodded, and grabbed his possessions.  Out the door he
went, under armed escort.  Kodachi watched him leave, and waited
for Fritz to return.

     Silly boy, she thought.  Shame he didn't know anything. 
Kodachi wished that the Tendos would be more open with her about
their little plots and plans; who was responsible for causing
this mess?  Her agents claimed it was the Ministry of Economics
that first went knocking at the door, starting the chase and
hunt.  Others said it started at the Ministry of Data earlier
today when her agents got into that shootout... covering up a
warehouse assault wasn't easy--

     "The results are positive," Fritz said, wandering into the
interrogation room.  "I think the programs took hold.  Ryouga is
now officially ours."

     "Glad to hear it," Kodachi nodded.  "Please send the fools
that were involved in this morning's fray up to chamber six for
debriefing."

     "How would you like them delivered?"

     "The usual way."

                         End of File
                         Ministry of Data record GH.3704.7734.2
                         Private use only

                 Ranma 1/2 : Ministry of Confusion
                              Part 3

           A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne

     (All characters copyright Rumiko Takahashi, obviously.  If I
     ever even considered claiming that these were my own
     characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where
     I'd be forced to eat my own lungs to live.)

     Quick Athor Note : As Zoner pointed out, I guess a.c.c.
     won't be getting these first nyah nyah.  Oh well.  I'm sure
     they'll appreciate being confused on a less regular basis
     anyway. :)

-=-

     When the four leaders of the Tokyo government get together,
they don't kid around.

     The meeting, housed at the Ministry of Peace's top floor,
was a madhouse.  Yellow, red, blue and green guards (red ones
being the bulkier of the four) swarmed around the main office of
Mousse, Director of Data, looking for any suspicious people they
could shoot at.  All workers were given the evening off; all
people at street level were urged to find other routes that
didn't pass by the building.  Any air traffic was shot down.

     Inside the meeting was another matter.  It was all smiles
and thank yous and lemonade.  The smiles were strained and the
politeness faked, but at least the beverages were sweet.

     "More lemonade, anyone?" Kasumi asked, pouring herself a
tall glass.

     "No thanks," Kodachi politely refused.  "On to new business. 
I've called this meeting over two specific matters which the
public at large seems to have confused with 'Ministry
infighting'.  I believe all of you know what they are."

     The others nodded.  Kodachi continued.

     "The first is that unpleasant incident at the Biogen
warehouse in this very building," Kodachi said.  "My agents saw
several Ministry of Economics employees engaging in suspicious
behavior--"

     "We were just transporting an extender for storage,"
Chairwoman Nabiki of the Ministry of Economics explained.  "This
was authorized by the Ministry of Data.  You'll find it in the
records, file 3426.6357.GH.  Authorization by Gosunkugi Hikaru."

     "Umm, Nabiki, Gosunkugi isn't authorized to authorize
anything like that," Director of Data Mousse reminded her.  "He's
just my liaison to the Biogen department, which if you recall I
have always had strong objections to.  By the way, may I move to
have it moved to another Ministry?  I still say it's a little out
of place there..."

     "That's old business, which we've already covered," Nabiki
said.  "Anyway, miss Commander of the Peace, we THOUGHT we had
authorization to do it.  Apologies if we did not.  Just a
misunderstanding."

     "Why was it that your agents were trying to hide the crate,
then?" Kodachi asked.  "My agents saw them covertly load it into
a van labelled 'Mister Whipple Ices', drive around Tokyo three
times and slip into a disused cargo loading dock at the MoD."

     "For which I have punished them via a dock in weekly wages,"
Nabiki said.  "The ones that survived, at least.  For the life of
me, I can't understand why they would do that either.  Perhaps
they misinterpreted my orders."

     "Plus, they shot at my agents," Kodachi said, dropping the
bomb.

     "Whoa.  Hold on, your agents shot FIRST," Nabiki said.  "One
of my agents was wounded by your gunfire, then they had to defend
themselves.  You can't expect them to react in any other way,
they're Ministry of Economics armed guards!  Sure, they're not
crack death machines like MoP troops, but they're not dumb
either."

     "If they're Moe guards, then they should have been guarding
the Ministry of Economics, shouldn't they?" Kodachi asked.  "What
was so important about this extender that you had to take such
measures to bring it there?"

     "It was just an Akane extender we wanted to send back for
testing.  Nothing more."

     "We don't DO that," Mousse said.  "Listen, let me make
myself fully clear here : Ministry of Data just breeds these
things for you.  We don't take any responsibility about what
happens next.  We take orders about how they're made, but nothing
beyond that."

     "I do so wish you would work on your growth process," Kasumi
said, pleading in tone.  "Some of your Ryougas have done many bad
things after being released.  Litter, defacing of public
property, murder in the first... not a clean image for the city
to maintain about its Biogen program."

     "Look, it was a global screw-up on all sides," Nabiki
admitted.  "My people misinterpreted my orders and yours did too
and there was a bit of a conflict, but everything's settled down
now.  Things are back to normal at Biogen, right Mousse?"

     "Thank god yes," Mousse grumbled.  "We had to replace a
bunch of extenders which died in the fray.  Do you know how
expensive those are?  Luckily we get private funding from the
customers, but all the replacements come out of MY pockets."

     "Actually, I'm not very interested in this incident,"
Kodachi said.  "Well, I'm fairly perturbed, but I'm a lady of
manners and will accept your apology, Nabiki, without any more
questions.  The matter is closed.  I do require information about
another problem..."

     "That mess with an escaped Akane, right?" Mousse asked. 
"That was NOT our fault."

     "Actually, yes it was," Kodachi said, pulling a stack of
inflammable papers out from behind her back.  "I have a report
here on information taken out of a Ryouga extender... one that
worked for you.  Apparently you were sabotaged."

     "Sabotaged?!"

     "Exactly.  An Akane had a inhibitor immunity vector
installed prior to shipment."

     "We knew that," Mousse said.  "I didn't know one of my boys
did it, though.  Which Ryouga was it?"

     "It's hard to say.  All we got out of him was Ryouga
Hibiki," Kodachi said.  "He's apparently forgotten his legal
name.  Even the mental scanners couldn't find it."

     "You HAD him for questioning?" Mouse asked.

     "Had, yes.  I'm afraid he escaped.  I severely repremanded
the officer on duty for that."

     "Great, a wayward Ryouga working for us," Mousse grumbled. 
"I TOLD Gosunkugi we needed to screen better..."

     "The how is trivial," Kodachi said.  "What I want to know is
WHY a simple case of the wayward Akane extender your boy produced
turned into the massive fray that's at this moment on our
streets."

     "We didn't start that," Mousse said.  "I sent out as many
people as I could, whether they were qualified or not, just to
see what was happening.  I wanted to know why YOU guys--"

     "Ahem," Kodachi ahemed.

     "--girls, sorry, were going nuts looking for this Akane."

     "I too decided to send some of my janitors around," Kasumi
said.  "After all, having that many Ministry officers on the
streets is a good way to cause both litter and crime.  We were
very lucky it didn't result in a street riot.  You know our image
is rather... tarnished.  I'd like to know why this Akane is
important as well, so I can withdraw my forces."

     "It's not just the Akane," Kodachi said.  "Nabiki, care to
explain?"

     "Explain what?" Nabiki asked innocently.

     "Why your troops had orders to find both the Akane AND her
human companion?" Kodachi asked.

     "How'd you find out about that?"

     "Simple.  I asked one of your officers."

     "Asked or tortured?" Nabiki queried, narrowing her eyes at
the gymnast.

     "Torture?  Such a horrible word!  Perhaps I'm rather
forceful in my questioning, but one can hardly call it torture."

     "You know, one of my best accountants returned today with a
strange scar on his forehead and several burns," Nabiki mused. 
"He couldn't remember anything, of course.  That would be too
incriminating."

     "Are you accusing me of something, money counter?" Kodachi
asked.

     "Depends on if you have something to hide, ribbon girl."

     "Please, please, we mustn't fight!" Kasumi interjected. 
"It's bad enough that the public thinks we're working against
them instead of for them.  We mustn't let that image persist by
calling names and hurling accusations."

     "Yes, I gave my guards orders to bring both of them in
alive," Nabiki nodded.  "So what's it to you?"

     "Does this have anything to do with the mess at Biogen?"
Kodachi asked.

     "No, and I can wholeheartedly say that's the truth.  The
incidents are unrelated.  I can see how an Akane got out
unchecked in the mess, however."

     "We did the best we could," Mousse offered pathetically.

     "What's Experiment-R, Nabiki?" Kodachi asked, dropping the
second bomb of the evening.

     "What Experiment-R?" Nabiki asked, not sure what else to
say.

     "The one I've gotten sketchy field reports on," Kodachi
said.  "My agents found a small Biogen lab in the basement of
your Ministry of Economics."

     "BIOGEN?!" Mousse asked, gasping for air.  "Nabiki, what the
hell are you doing with Ministry of Data technology?  I thought I
was the only person who had to put up with that junk!"

     "You've been spying on me?!" Nabiki asked, ignoring the boy.

     "Of course.  One can't be too careful in the interests in
national security."

     "Kodachi!" Kasumi interrupted.  "Ministries may not
interfere in the businesses of other Ministries except through
proper channels.  That was the basis of the four-tiered
government the Tendos laid out.  To break that law breaks the
very concept this country was founded on!"

     "Hear hear," Mousse said, trying to get an elbow into the
conversation.

     "Don't worry, dear Kasumi Tendo, my agents are long gone
from that outpost," Kodachi said.  "We simply were observing.  I
was acting in the best interests of the country, I assure you."

     "I still don't like the idea of you peering through MY
windows," Nabiki said.  "You've got no business in my business."

     "Actually, she does," Kasumi said.

     "And Kasumi backs me up on th-- eh?"

     "Also by law, full disclosure is required regarding any non-
public projects," Kasumi said.  "This is one large government,
after all, not four little ones.  If one Ministry was to work on
a project in secret without disclosing it to the other three, it
would subvert the concept.  Secret projects are only valid if all
four Ministries agree on them."

     "Okay, then I admit I've got a project called Experiment-R,"
Nabiki said.  "How's that?"

     "Not enough, I'm afraid," Kasumi said.

     "Look, I can't explain what it's about properly until it's
complete," Nabiki said.  "I don't even know if it worked.  I'll
make you a deal, Kodachi.  You find the boy wayward Akane is
travelling with and I'll present a report about my findings,
project completed and final data gathered.  There's a chance to
salvage what's left, but my troops just aren't good at manhunts. 
Kasumi's are busy enough as is and Mousse... well, your think
tank doesn't make a good commando unit."

     "I know, I know," Mousse nodded.

     "And Kodachi, I want them alive," Nabiki reminded.

     "What if they die?" Kodachi asked.  "The street is a
dangerous place, and they'll likely seek sanctuary in the worst
possible places.  If my troops find two corpses, will you still
disclose the project?"

     "Yes, but only after I'm POSITIVE that your troops saw two
corpses on the way in and out," Nabiki said.  "No funny
business."

     "Don't worry, Nabiki.  My troops aren't that unprofessional. 
However, realize that if they attack us, we will have to counter
attack.  I assure you that we will try our best to take them
alive."

     "I'm glad you two have come to a middle ground," Kasumi
nodded.  "In the future, I'd suggest we all try harder not to
keep secrets from each other.  It's for the common good.  All
those in favor?"

     "I've got nothing to hide," Kodachi said unconvincingly.

     "Me neither, other than Experiment-R," Nabiki lied.

     "No side projects here," Mousse said truthfully.

     "As for me," Kasumi said, "I'm not doing anything unusual. 
Just the usual Ministry of Sanitation duties regarding
cleanliness of the streets and of the soul.  I'd recommend a
press release once this Experiment-R matter is settled to renew
the populace's faith in the Ministries.  Sort of an apology for
not cooperating, and a promise for a brighter tommorow."

     "You're better with words than we are," Nabiki nodded.  "You
write it up, send it to Mousse to print and I'll fund the
project.  A group effort."

     "Is there any more new business, or should we close up?"
Kasumi asked.

     "Close up," Kodachi suggested.  "I've got a pair of kiddies
to find."

     "Very well.  I'll lead the traditional closing ceremony,"
Kasumi said.

     "This again?" Kodachi asked.  "Honestly, I would think you
girls would have moved on with your lives by now..."

     "She was our sister and one of the founding members of the
government," Kasumi said.  "We must pay our respects to Akane. 
Without her, you wouldn't HAVE the position in government you
have now."

     "Alright, fine," Kodachi mumbled.  "Let's get it over with."

     Sheesh, Kodachi thought.  Just because someone dies, no need
to go on and on about it like they were some hero.  Kodachi was
FAR better as Commander of the Peace than Akane ever was.  At
least Kodachi doesn't fall for easy to spot car bombs.

                              *

     Gosunkugi simply didn't understand.

     The ritual was followed to the letter.  All the ingredients
were added to his pocket cauldron.  It was cooled for long enough
for the magic to solidify.  He even had the end result, the
wiggly, translucent blocks of substance... but it wasn't doing
anything.

     The pictures in the magazine indicated that small children
would become entranced with the gobs of stuff, and do all sorts
of strange things for it.  Even the intoned mantras of Jay, iee,
ell, ell and oh didn't do anything for the local children other
than make them look at him funny.  Perhaps the english lettering,
which he couldn't translate, held the key?

     His phone rang, martian raygun beeps ripping through his
concentration.  The gelatin in his hands wobbled around as he
jumped in surprise.  Gosunkugi dropped the mystic dessert and
darted for the phone.

     "Hello?" he asked, tapping the ANSWER button.

     Ranma's image popped up on the cheap black and white screen
of Gosunkugi's phone.  The wanna-be magician's face fall. 
"Ranma.  It's only you.  What do you want?"

     "Gos, I need a place to crash for a few days," Ranma said. 
"And that favor you owe me."

     "I don't know, Ranma... I mean, my landlord doesn't like me
putting more occupants in here.  It violates his population
control permit."

     "I know, but this is VERY, VERY important.  Life or death."

     "Life or death?" Gosunkugi asked.  "I don't like the sound
of that.  Is another Ryouga harassing you?  I know that's been a
problem..."

     "What, you think I'd need to hide from that?" Ranma laughed. 
"No way.  This is much more important.  I'll explain on the way
up."

     "Way up?  Where are you?"

     "I'm downstairs," Ranma said.  "About six feet below you on
a public phone.  Hi."

     "Alright, come up," Gosunkugi said.  "But I'll decide on how
long later.  No promises."

     "Gotcha," Ranma nodded, and his image faded away in a haze
of static.  The astronomical cost of the call flashed briefly on
Gosunkugi's screen; naturally, Ranma had called collect. 
Gosunkugi should have noticed the blinking yellow light, but he
was otherwise occupied.  Worried.

     "Hi," Ranma said, opening the door to the apartment without
knocking.  Gosunkugi jumped, landing on his feet facing Ranma.

     "Hi," Akane said, walking in after him.  "Umm, nice place."

     "Whoa.  You never said you had someone with you," Gosunkugi
said.

     "Surprise?" Ranma said lamely.  "Come on, Gos.  I need to
hide her out here for awhile.  It'll only be a day.  And I want
to cash that favor in."

     "What do you want?"

     "A whole bunch of Ministry guys are after us.  I need you to
fiddle with the Ministry of Data's records and get us erased."

     "WHOA!  NO WAY!" Gosunkugi said.  "Out.  Get OUT of my
house.  The last thing I need is some MoP goons coming in here
with guns and blowing me away.  The next to the last thing I need
is to lose my job tampering with Data's data!  No, no no!"

     "Gos, you OWE me.  Think of all those magic books I found
for you, the ones that hadn't been destroyed yet."

     "Big deal, none of them work," Gosunkugi said.  "Give me one
good reason why I should do this for you."

     "Because if you don't, she might die," Ranma said, pointing
to Akane.  "Let me introduce you.  Tomboy Akane Saotome, this is
Gosunkugi Hikaru, Ministry of Data Biogen Director."

     "Pleased to meet you and it's just AKANE TENDO, Ranma,"
Akane said, bowing to Gosunkugi and punching Ranma across the jaw
simultaneously.

     "P... pleased to meet you two," Gosunkugi stammered,
returning a lame bow.  "You're going to... die?"

     "It's a chance.  I don't know why, but I'm being chased by
just about every person in Tokyo," Akane said.  "Ranma the Baka
here thinks that you can save me... can you?"

     Gosunkugi just stared.  He had seen plenty of Akane
extenders in his time, but this one seemed... different... she
carried herself with much more than other clones did.  What was
carried was unclear... pride?  Arrogance?  Some sort of sentience
beyond the curt smile and nod of other Akane extenders.

     And so kawaii...

     "For you?  Anything!" Gosunkugi said.  "I wouldn't want to
see anybody die.  Akane, right?  Okay.  I'll help you save Akane,
Ranma.  No problem.  Well, one problem."

     "What?"

     "I don't think it would work," Gosunkugi said.  "Sure, you
could evade the cameras and robotic lookouts around the city by
not having any descriptive data to match up to, but when a
Ministry wants someone, they typically get them.  The data is
just used as a backup when they can't find you.  Missing records
are easy to spot and can be replaced, too..."

     "But it would HELP, right?" Ranma asked.

     "It might, for a short period of time.  It'd be tricky; I
can't do it myself.  The only way to do it would be through
Mousse, the Director of Data, and I'm afraid he's fairly
inaccessible."

     "You told me not three days ago that you reported to him
every day!"

     "Reporting and asking someone to break the law for you are
two different things," Gosunkugi said.  "Look, Ranma, this is my
job we're talking about.  My livelihood... and other things.  I
can't lose my position there because you want a favor."

     "I thought so," Akane said, downfallen.  "Ranma, come on. 
We've got other people we could talk to.  We shouldn't trouble
your friend like this.  Thank you anyway, Gosunkugi."

     "Akane, whoa, wait a minute.  Trouble?  Who said anything
about trouble?" Gosunkugi asked.  "There's some trouble, yes, but
trouble and trouble are two different things.  Akane, just say
the word, I'll try, no, do it for you.  Really."

     "Err... do it?" Akane asked, confused at Gosunkugi's
reaction.

     "It is done, think no more.  Come on, Akane, we've got an
appointment with the Director of Data!"

     "Hey, what about me?" Ranma asked.

     "I guess you could tag along too," Gosunkugi said.

                              *

     Ranma grumbled, walking along the streets of Tokyo.  He had 
hoped that Gosunkugi would pick a more subtle route instead of a
direct path to the Ministry of Data building.  What was WITH the
guy today?

     The Gosunkugi Ranma knew was a nebbishly, whining, little
cog of a man.  He thought of little more than his work and his
strange obsession with the occult, and said very little to Ranma
beyond the obligatory thank-yous for the magic books Ranma was
able to find.

     This Gosunkugi was different.  Infinitely more annoying,
Ranma thought, the way he's babbling and carrying on about his
work at the Ministry of Data.  Why, though?  Was it because of
Akane?

     No.

     It COULDN'T be that.  How could it be?  Akane was a total
and complete tomboy, how would anybody get into some mad puppy
dog love over HER?  How could she of all people turn Gosunkugi's
personality completely around?

     "That's very interesting," Akane said, a straight line for
Gosunkugi's spiel.

     "Yeah, isn't it?" Gos replied.  "I mean, it's kind of fun. 
I hold total power of all the projects at the Ministry of Data
Biogen department.  I decide what gets the funding, and I decide
what to report to the higher-ups on the 17th floor.  It's
fascinating work, really, and puts me in a prime position to
gather information.  Sort of like an eye over the Ministry."

     "So is there any word on why we're being chased?" Ranma
asked.

     "Not really," Gosunkugi said.  "I think that really only one
of the Ministries is truly interested in Akane here.  The others
are just interested in what makes her so interesting.  She is an
interesting person, you know."

     "Really," Ranma said coldly.

     "If you two have time, I could run her through the scanners
at Biogen.  Maybe I could find out what it is about her that
makes her so important.  It doesn't take very long, just a simple
medical examination and scan..."

     "We don't have time," Ranma said.

     "Yes we do, Ranma," Akane said.  "Gosunkugi said we'd be
safe once he got us through the MoD security.  Gosunkugi could
hide us there if we needed it."

     "Certainly!" Gosunkugi said.  "The Ministry is surprisingly
lacking in security, considering what we do.  No video cameras. 
I suspect you could hang out in my office until the coast is
clear, Akane..."

     "No thanks," Ranma said.  "I just want to get us erased and
have that be that.  Maybe we can go back to the dojo and live in
peace."

     "Akane's living at your dojo?" Gosunkugi asked.

     "Of course.  My idiot dad got us engaged."

     "ENGAGED?!" Gosunkugi asked, gaping.  "Ah... aah... Akane,
you're engaged to Ranma?"

     "More or less," Akane said without emotion.

     "That... well, I suppose that all depends on how you feel
about it," Gosunkugi said.

     "Ha.  Trust me, we're NOT going to get married," Akane
replied.

     "I second that," Ranma nodded.  "Who would want to marry a
maniac like her, anyway?"

     "I am NOT a maniac!" Akane yelled, turning around to punch
Ranma in the stomach.  Ranma doubled over, stumbled, but regained
his footing.

     Gosunkugi watched, not believing his eyes.  The proverbial
Venus on the Half Shell was married to RANMA?  And Ranma didn't
even appreciate this?

     It was simply too horrible to think about.  He'd have to see
if there was anything he could do to help Akane out, after he was
done helping her out.

                              *

     "...I think your wife will appreciate what you've done
today," Gosunkugi whispered to the Ministry of Data door guard. 
"She'd hate to think you were impolite to a friend's request. 
She'd also hate to hear about Miss Sanders and the grapefruit."

     "Just get inside, Gosunkugi," the guard said.  "Out of my
face and don't ask me to do you any favors again."

     "We're clear, gang," Gosunkugi said.  "Akane, stay behind
me.  If I lead the way we should do fine.  Ranma, you can wait
out here if you'd like..."

     "No thanks," Ranma said.

     The trio walked into the revolving door, and into the lobby
of the Ministry of Data.

     The building itself was rather shabby.  Unlike the other
Ministries, Data got minimal funding for redecoration and upkeep;
where the money had run out, homemade cures could be found.  Duct
tape sealed up rips in the tattered yellow carpet.  The walls had
recently gotten half a paint job to cover up some unsightly
graffiti which read, somewhat covered, as MOD BLOWS MY BIG FA. 
Even the information and help desk had been pilfered from a local
high school, complete with teacher's podium bolted to the side.

     "Sorry about the mess," Gosunkugi admitted.  "I'm afraid we
get the short end of the stick when it comes to budget... I can't
figure out why, considering that the work we do is what supplies
the other Ministries with the information they need."

     "Street opinion is that you half of you folks are a bunch of
shut in nerds," Ranma said.  "And the other half are Dr.
Frankenstein wanna-bes."

     "Don't be insulting, Ranma," Akane said.

     "He's right for the most part," Gosunkugi said.  "I know
people here who haven't seen sunlight in days.  It's usually the
Biogens who get the worst work shifts... demand is nice and high
for extenders, despite the cost.  They're practically replacing
the population, person by person.  That kind of volume means OO."

     "OO?" Akane asked.

     "Obligatory overtime."

     "Oh."

     "No, OO.  Like a monkey.  We'd better get moving; elevator
is this way."

                              *

     The glass elevator slid up the side of the building.  Ranma
hung near the back; the last thing he wanted was the be spotted
by some Ministry of Peace assault helicopter.  The glass did not
look bulletproof, and kempo was only so good against armored
airships.

     "You two are going to have to be absolutely quiet when we
reach the 17th floor," Gosunkugi warned them, in a low, mousy
voice.  "If I recall, they're holding the Core War championships
up there tonight."

     "The what?" Akane asked.

     "Core War.  It's like viruses for sport, two computers
networked together, trying to crash each other.  A true test of
coding ability.  Our current champion is defending her title, and
she really, really doesn't like anybody interfering.  I think
we'll be fine if we don't make any noise on our way to Mousse's
office."

     "Who's the champion?"

     "Shhh!  We're there!" Gosunkugi loudly whispered, as the
doors slid open silently to the clack of keys.

     Gos peeked inside to make sure the coast was clear, and
motioned for the two to follow.  Akane nodded and tiptoed in,
followed by Ranma.

     Ranma examined the poorly lit room around him.  It rivalled
the Tokyo Library's Reader Room is size; dozens and dozens of
terminals, with power cables and networking apparatus snaking
around like a fifty mile noodle.  Only two of these computers
were occupied, however.

     Ranma couldn't make out the one at the far end of the room,
only able to see that it was on by the pale blue glow of a CRT
tube.  The one nearby was occupied and clicking away madly,
reaching WPMs around two hundred at least.

     The oddly-dressed girl stared at her screen, unblinking,
eyes narrowed in anger as the ASCII of program code slid by like
a glacier.  Her long purple hair wasn't showing any signs of
sweat, but her forehead gleamed with a shininess that matched her
ornamental hair baubles.  She was too deep into her activity to
notice Ranma's stares.  Woman and machine were one, or at least
two that were close enough to be mistaken for one.

     Gosunkugi tugged at Ranma's arm, urging him on.  Ranma
turned away from the girl and continued, up to the large yellow
door marked MOUSSE, DIRECTOR OF DATA.

                              *

     Gosunkugi shut the door behind him after pulling his newly
found friends into the room.  He exhaled at last, relieved to be
out of the arena.

     "Director Mousse?" he asked, not sure how to approach the
subject.

     "Yes, what is it?" Mousse asked, turning around in his
swivel chair.  Ranma was surprised a boy so young had managed to
run one of the four greatest political entities in the city;
Mouse couldn't be more than twenty, with boyish glasses and long
hair.  He dropped a three ring binder he was reading from and
peered at the newcomers.

     "I see you've brought friends," Mousse noted, making a
strenuous effort to focus on them.  "Taking a tour?"

     "No, I'm afraid it's more serious than that," Gosunkugi
said.  "I need some assistance with the files.  Specifically the
citizen database for the security network.  These two are special
cases which require immediate attention."

     "Okay.  You two step up to my desk and press your thumbs
against the screen," Mousse said, turning his desk computer
towards the two blobs in his vision.  Ranma and Akane stepped up
and hesitantly planted a digit on the screen, leaving behind a
perfect grease replica of two thumbs.  The computer analyzed
this, wiped it away with a quick swipe of a robotic arm, and data
flowed freely from the source.

     Mousse snapped a lens on an arm between him and the screen,
added concavity assisting his vision.

     "Ranma Saotome and Tomboy Akane Saotome," Mousse nodded.

     "You had that LEGALLY REGISTERED?" Akane asked Ranma,
shocked.

     "No!  Really!" Ranma said.  "I guess, I don't know, someone
must have overheard and entered it.  It would be the only way to
use the cameras to find you."

     "Ranma.  Akane," Mousse mused, digging through his memory. 
"Ranma, Akane, Ranma, Ak... oh... no."

     "Oh no?" Gosunkugi asked, growing alarmed.  "Why oh no? 
What's oh no?"

     "You're those two!" Mousse said, turning to face the pair
with a quick swivel of the chair.  "YOU'RE those two waywards
that caused the whole mess tonight.  You're Ranma Saotome and
Tomboy Akane Saotome!"

     "Boss, I think I'd better exp--"

     "Quiet, Gos," Mousse said.  "My god.  Do you two realize the
RISK you took coming here?  Kodachi's just about ready to grab
you two and roast you over an open fire!  And Nabiki...
Gosunkugi, what the hell are you doing bringing these two here? 
Don't you know how much trouble you've just put the Ministry of
Data into?"

     "Sir, I asked Gosunkugi to do this," Akane said.  "If what
you're saying is true, I stand a strong chance of getting killed. 
If you can delete our data from the records, we could be able to
find a good hiding place without detection and survive."

     "No.  No way.  Tampering with the data is bad enough, but
ticking off two of the most deadly Ministries around in the
process is just... unthinkable!  Saotome, I've got a tricky
enough job as is.  I'm sitting on the largest stockpile of
information in the world and have the lamest security known to
man because I don't warrant any more in the government's eyes. 
To openly invite strife like this could mean the end of my career
and possibly my life.  NO.  If I was in my right mind I'd turn
you two in right now and get some respect in this ridiculous
excuse for a government!"

     "Buddy, you so much as even TRY that--" Ranma started,
cracking his knuckled.

     "Whoa, whoa," Gosunkugi said.  "Alright, Ranma, Akane, go
outside.  I'll handle this."

     "But--"

     "And be QUIET out there!" Gosunkugi said, pushing the two
out the door and closing it.  He turned to face Mousse.

     "Gosunkugi, where was your mind?" Mousse asked.  "What would
possibly convince you to try something like this?  You're damn
lucky we're friends, or you'd be up the creek."

     "Mousse, I didn't want to have to do this, but you leave me
no choice," Gosunkugi said.  "If you don't do this for Akane, I'm
going to have to let the press know about you and Shampoo."

     Mousse's face fell.  "You wouldn't.  Gosunkugi, are you
considering blackmailing me?"

     "I am, yes.  This is very, very important to me, Mousse. 
Important enough for me to tell the press how you're harassing
one of your employees every day and exhibiting behavior
unbecoming of a government official--"

     "I'm in therapy!  Honest!  I've been trying my hardest to
ignore the beautiful Shampoo..." Mousse said, the name evoking
images of wonder and joy.  "Ah, Shampoo... my goddess in
purple..."

     "See what I mean?" Gosunkugi said, smiling smugly.  So
rarely did he get to stick it to a superior; now he was reveling
in it.

     Mousse shook his head clear.  "I'm lucky she hasn't filed
suit yet.  She decides to beat me up on a regular basis instead,
which isn't much more fun, but at least it's not as public.  If I
could just beat her ONCE at that silly programming game, maybe
I'd have a chance to make her my wife...  Still, it's a bad
situation, Gosunkugi.  If I do this for you, the Ministry of
Peace will notice.  Kodachi might turn it into a power play and
successfully destroy us.  But if I don't, I'll be in all the
tabloids for months.  Either way, I lose my job, livelihood and
chance at her..."

     "How about this," Gosunkugi offered.  "At least scramble
Ranma and Akane's data.  Scramble it enough to keep them safe. 
You can claim anything you want, data error, hard drive crash,
whatever.  It'll buy them some time to flee and you'll be in the
clear, and nobody will have to know about your crush."

     "It's more than a crush," Mousse said.  "It's love.  She may
not love me back, but it's complete and unconditional in her
direction... of course, why am I telling you?  You're not exactly
a stud muffin yourself.  You can't relate."

     Actually, I can, Gosunkugi thought to himself.  "Scramble it
for me, Mousse.  It's not THAT much to ask.  I'll take the flak
if anybody manages to prove it wasn't an accident."

     "Okay, okay, I'll do it," Mousse said.  "Sheesh.  Gosunkugi,
for someone the office toadies usually refer to as the Mystical
Magical Wimp, you know how to play hardball with dark forces."

     "I have a good tutor," Gosunkugi said.

                              *

     "I hope he manages to convince Mousse to do it," Akane
whispered, lower than a whispering wind.

     "He might.  After all, the guy's ga-ga for you," Ranma
breathed back.

     "What do you mean by that?"

     "I mean what I mean.  Poor sop, he's all idol-crazed about
you.  Kind of funny, in a way."

     "That's not true!" Akane said, raising her voice slightly. 
"He's just trying to be nice.  He doesn't want to see me dead
either.  Do you?"

     "What?  Of course not!" Ranma said.  "I don't approve of
ninety percent of what this government does.  I don't buy that
crap about you being a safety hazard.  Something's going on here
and I want to know what it is."

     "Then why didn't you accept Gosunkugi's offer to scan me?"

     "He's giving me the creeps, that's why," Ranma said.  "I can
find the truth on my own, anyway.  Besides, I think he just
wanted the chance to see you in one of those hospital nighties
that opens up in the back."

     "Why, you--"

     "You two quiet now," the girl at the computer terminal
ordered, eyes never leaving the screen.  "I busy!"

     Akane shut up promptly, but cast a final evil glance at
Ranma.  Ranma didn't bother returning it.

     Gosunkugi walked out of Mousse's office, cheap lamps
spilling light into the combat computer area momentarily. 
Gosunkugi flashed the two kids a thumbs up through the blue haze
of the two computer monitors, and pointed to the elevator.

     Ranma turned around and started for the elevator.  It would
have been a straight, unwavering path right to safety if it
wasn't for the power cable.

     The cable, already out of place from being walked over on
the way in, snagged over Ranma's shoe.  Ranma wobbled around,
trying to regain his balance, and succeeded; at the loss of the
cord's attachment to a wall socket.

     The blue aura of the computer monitor in front of the girl
snapped off in less than a second.  It took her three seconds to
notice.

     Gosunkugi let out a silent scream, already buggy eyes
bugging out even more.  The girl reached out to her right and hit
a light switch, illuminating the computer room with harsh,
painful yellow lighting.  Across the room, whoever was
challenging the girl was throwing a small celebration.

     "You crash Shampoo's computer," the girl said, pointing an
accusatory finger at Ranma, not unlike pointing a sniper's rifle
at a political figure.  "You make Shampoo LOSE!"

     "Err..." Ranma offered.  "Sorry?"

     "SHAMPOO DEFEATED BY YOU!" Shampoo growled.  "You crash
Shampoo's computer and ruin Shampoo's chance at championship!"

     Shampoo hopped out of her chair, charging across the room in
blind rage.  Ranma pushed Akane out of the way, and braced
himself for

     A kiss.

     Ranma blinked, not sure how this girl got attached to his
mouth.  His arms flailed around wildly, trying to land in the
general area of her shoulders; finally implanting, he pushed her
away.

     "You I marry!" Shampoo cheered.

     "Oh god, no, no," Gosunkugi moaned.  "This can't be
happening... Ranma, we've gotta get out of here before Mousse--"

     "MARRY?!!" Mousse screamed from his office.  The yellow door
blow outward with the force of sheer anger, Mousse outlined
evilly by his desk lamp, a puke colored aura of hate.  "MARRY? 
RAAAANMMAAAA!  WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY SHAMPOO-CHAN?!?!?!!"

     "Erg?" Ranma said.

     "For that, you'll PAY!" Mousse yelled, charging across the
room, a pair of gigantic twin maces appearing in his hands,
seemingly from nowhere.  He clearly was agitated; he didn't even
bother putting on his glasses before running into the room. 
Ranma dropped into a defensive posture, kempo training kicking
in, but Mousse ran right by him, slamming into the wall on the
other side of the room, HARD.

     "RUN!" Gosunkugi suggested, wildly stumbling his way across
the lab.  Akane shoved Ranma along, until all three were in the
elevator.

     "Ranma darling!" Shampoo fawned, also jogging along after
them.  Gosunkugi rapidly slammed the DOOR CLOSE button, and the
doors snapped closed on the crazed girl, ending the mayhem.

     "Oh jeez, oh jeez, this is bad," Gosunkugi said.  "Ranma,
what did you think you were DOING back there?!"

     "I'd like to know that as well," Akane said.  "Honestly, you
were all over her!  It was disgusting!"

     "For your information, she was all over ME," Ranma said. 
"Why did she do that, anyway?  I was expecting a fight, not a
death embrace."

     "Don't you know where she's from?" Gosunkugi asked, as the
floors streamed by.  "Joketsuzoku!  The Chinese Silicon Valley! 
She's one of a slew of amazon programmers, just like Mousse."

     "Chinese Silicon Valley?  That's a joke, right?"

     "It's not a joking matter.  According to her village law, if
an outsider defeats her at coding, she has two options,"
Gosunkugi recited.  "If the miscreant is female, she gets killed. 
If male, he gets married."

     "You mean I just got engaged to a maniac programmer from
China?!" Ranma asked.

     "You're already engaged to me, you can't do that," Akane
said.  "It's not right."

     "With any luck, Mousse scrambled your data before he heard
that," Gosunkugi said.  "Still, I think we might be looking at a
fully armed battalion in the lobby."

     "HUH?"

     "Don't let ANYBODY know this, and I mean that," Gosunkugi
said, "But Mousse kinda... umm... wants Shampoo.  If it looks
like you want her, he's going to want you dead.  I bet he's on
the phone with Kodachi now.  No... scratch that."

     "We're safe?"

     "No, he's probably already made the call.  Look down there,
lots and lots of nice red battle vehicles pulling up to the lobby
doors.  Man, Kodachi doesn't kid around..."

     "We're doomed.  Great," Akane grumped.  "We're doomed and
you have another fiancee, all because you're too clumsy to step
OVER a cable instead of under it.  She'll be the world's fastest
widow, at least."

     "I couldn't see!" Ranma protested.  "If I had known it was
there I never would have tripped, obviously.  You can't blame me
for poor lighting."

     "I can for poor eyesight."

     "Can you two PLEASE not do this now?" Gosunkugi asked.  "I'm
having a hard time preparing to meet my maker with you two
arguing!"

     "Why is this happening to me?" Ranma asked the ceiling. 
"Why?  What did I do?  Three hours ago I was a perfectly happy
wanna-be historian and excellent butt-kicker, and now I'm a
fugitive from justice that's going to get one of my best friends
and a perfectly nice girl killed!"

     "Perfectly nice?" Akane asked, surprised.  It wasn't a mean
surprised, but a confused surprised.

     "It's all happening and I haven't the foggiest idea why,"
Ranma continued.  "Just once, I'd like to rip by that ridiculous
veil of government secrets and propaganda and see what's going
on.  WHY any of this is happening, why I'm being hunted by all
the Ministries, why the MoS is cleaning up crime instead of
trash, why anything is happening.  At least I could die for a
reason."

     "Best of luck," Gosunkugi scowled.  "I've been working for
this government all my life and I still only know 90% of the
picture.  You'll never find out in five floor's time, trust me."

     "If I had it to do again, I'd pay more attention to figuring
out the why the world works this way instead of bitching about
how it's not working right," Ranma said, kicking the elevator
wall.  "Looks like I'm not gonna get that chance.  Akane, look,
I'm sorry this happened... I only wanted to keep you from getting
hurt..."

     "Don't be sorry," Akane said.  "You tried your best.  If we
do die... Ranma... thanks for that try.  It meant a lot."

     "Aw, man, I can see the tanks!" Gosunkugi said, pointing out
of the glass elevator to the incoming swarm of red vehicles. 
"Look at the bastards, they're not even shooting us, despite
being easy targets.  They're waiting until we land so it'll be
especially messy.  GOD, I hate the Ministries."

     "You think they'll really kill us?" Akane asked.

     "I wouldn't doubt it," Gosunkugi nodded.  "That's Ministry
of Peace down there.  They want you dead, Ranma.  They don't care
about live capture, like the Ministry of Economics would for
their precious data.  They want to smear you across the landscape
and keep Nabiki from completing her work.  That's politics in
action for you."

     "Chairwoman Nabiki's work?" Ranma asked.  "What work? 
Dammit, Gosunkugi, you said you *didn't* know what was going on!"

     "Well, I do, surprise," Gosunkugi said, sharing Ranma's
disgust.  "Bottom floor, sayonara Saotome.  It's been real."

     Ding!

     The elevator doors snapped open.

                         End of File
                         Ministry of Data record GH.3704.7734.3
                         Private use only


                 Ranma 1/2 : Ministry of Confusion
                              Part 4

           A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne

     (Most characters copyright Rumiko Takahashi, obviously.  If
     I ever even considered claiming that these were my own
     characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where
     I'd be forced to eat my own lungs to live.)

-=-

     Ding!

     The elevator doors snapped open.

     "Think fast!" a voice called, as the grey object zipped
through the air towards Ranma.  He caught it instinctively before
realizing it was in fact a large rifle.

     "MY GOD!  HE'S GOT A GUN!" a nearby bystander called,
reading from a script.  "How's that?"

     "Perfect.  Okay, boys, open fire!" the Ministry of Peace
officer said, sitting back to watch the splatterfest.

     Ranma grabbed both Akane and Gosunkugi and hit the deck,
trying to keep them covered as screaming hot lead ripped through
the air above them, reducing the glass elevator's walls to fine
powder.  Bullets went zipping into the street, embedding
themselves into the road, into the walls, into bystanders.  Glass
tinkled like wind chimes when it was given a chance, and simply
fell to the ground with a poof otherwise.  Ranma saw a flash of
red shortly before blacking out...

     After half a minute of firing, the soldiers ran out of ammo. 
The captain stared at the elevator, wondering why where weren't
any suspicious bloodstains or bodies.

     "How could you MISS?!" he asked, scolding his soldiers.  A
few shuffled their boots, embarrassed.  "Hurry up and retarget,
you morons!  They're--"

     The officer turned back to the elevator, which was now
devoid of people.  Unoccupied.  His heart sank, fear rising and
adrenaline pumping.  Kodachi was NOT going to like this.  With
luck, he might not be brought to her for debriefing in the usual
way.

     Unless...

     "YOU!" he said, pointing to the nearest officer.  "Weren't
you in charge of gun calibration?  How could you not notice that
ALL of the guns were maligned?"

     "B... but I wasn't told to do any calibration..." the
soldier stammered, unprepared for the accusation.

     "Yes you were, and these men here will back me up on this,
right?" the officer asked, turning to the other men.  They nodded
vigorously, recognizing a proven Ministry of Peace Pain Evasion
Tactic.  "You've failed in your duty to your country.  Gentlemen,
arrest that man and have him delivered the usual way."

     "No!  Please!" the solider begged, before the nearest six
guys tackled him to the ground.

     The officer let out a sigh of relief.  When it doubt, pass
the blame.  It was the only way to stay alive in this Ministry
for more than a month.

     "And will someone go grab that umbrella?" the soldier asked,
pointing to the only object left in the elevator.  "We might need
it for evidence."

                              *

     Ryouga wheezed, dumping his load of bodies in the alley. 
Even for a man of his strength, three people was quite a
burden... especially one that was awake and protesting.

     "About TIME you put me down," Gosunkugi grumbled.  "Who are
you, anyway?  Ministry of Data?"

     "Freelance now," Ryouga said.  "You're VERY lucky I managed
to open my umbrella and toss it in there before they hit you. 
You and Akane would be dead otherwise."

     "You mean to tell me that you have a bulletproof umbrella? 
What are you, James Bond?"

     "HAD a bulletproof umbrella.  I had to leave it behind to
get you three out," Ryouga said.  "That took me years to make,
you know."

     "I feel your loss.  Can I go home now?" Gosunkugi said.

     "Depends.  Which one of you is the human that Akane was seen
with earlier?" Ryouga asked.

     "That would be him," Gosunkugi said, pointing to the
fitfully sleeping Ranma.  "Ranma Saotome."

     "Ranma Saotome?" Ryouga asked.  "Okay, then, I don't need
you.  Go away."

     Gosunkugi didn't need much more coercion than that.  He bid
a silent farewell to Akane and took off running.

     Ryouga watched him leave to make sure he wouldn't be
followed, scooped up the snoozing pair and hiked off into the
night.

                              *

     "AAUAUUGUUAUAUAUUUHHHH NO NO AAUUU--" the scapegoat soldier
screamed, voice cut short as Kodachi closed the door to the
chamber behind her.

     "I can explain, Commander of the Peace," the humiliated
commanding officer said, in his most grovelling tone.  "See, umm,
we THOUGHT we hit them, but I guess the fool in there had
sabotaged our weapons or something--"

     "Relax, corporal, I know the story," Kodachi said, toying
with the pockmarked umbrella in her hand.  "For your own ego,
don't worry, you hit them square on the mark.  Something was in
the way, though."

     "What, that umbrella?" the officer asked.  "Don't be silly,
we've got the strongest ammo allowed by law.  How could a bamboo
umbrella stop a few dozen guns?"

     "It's not a normal umbrella," she said.  "It belongs to a
particular Ryouga extender, one without a real name.  You've done
well, corporal."

     "B... but they got away!"

     "Are you arguing with my review of your performance?"
Kodachi asked.  "Would you rather I say you're disgraced this
Ministry and have you debriefed like your friend?

     Kodachi opened the door a crack, letting the previously
soundproofed wails out for a mere moment to let the point sink
in.

     "No!  No.  Thank you for your approval," the officer begged. 
"But still... if you don't mind me asking... if they've escaped,
how is it good?"

     "They haven't escaped," Kodachi said, closing the door. 
"Our Ryouga Hibiki will take care of the rest."

     "Your judgement, as usual, is flawless, ma'am," the officer
nodded.  "Umm.  But if you know that it wasn't a problem of aim,
why continue... debriefing the munitions officer?"

     "Why not?" Kodachi shrugged, letting a smile play across her
mouth.  She popped the umbrella open and set it over her shoulder
like a parasol, wandering down the hall.  The officer tried to
ignore her trademarked insane laugh as she faded from view.

                              *

     Somewhere, deep in the subterranean levels of Tokyo, a room
was being redecorated.

     The boys in charge of the painting couldn't help but laugh. 
The mural was perfect; in traditional manga-art style, it was
easy to make out the form of Kodachi Kunou getting ready to stuff
a pie in Nabiki's face, while Kasumi sits slumped against her
with a dripping cream pie already planted on the top of her head.

     And below it, in perfect english lettering, the words : THE
THREE STOOGES OF TOKYO, NYUK NYUK NYUK.

     "That's rich, man," one boy laughed, slapping the other on
the back.  "It's PERFECT.  When do you want to launch the thing?"

     "Tonight sounds fine here," the slapped boy said, recovering
from the laughs.  "Good art must be shared with the masses. 
Chao, please stop trying to set the wall on fire."

     "I'm just trying to see if you used flammable paint," the
boy with the lighter grumbled, pocketing it.

     "Of course I did.  And I'd rather not have to break out the
extinguisher again, thank you.  Hey, Ryouga, how fares our
guests?"

     "They're still out," Ryouga said, standing by the table they
had laid Akane and Ranma out on to recover.  "I hope they weren't
hurt..."

     "I can call in a Tofu if you want," the first boy said. 
"We've got a good deal with George Tofu, half off the normal
going rate.  He sympathizes with The Cause(tm)."

     "Thank you, Jodan, but I wouldn't want to impose..."

     "No imposing!" Jodan said, waving the notion away.  "You're
good for the Ministry of Chaos, Ryouga.  You can lift the heavy
stuff.  We're all total wuss-bags compared to you."

     "It's a knack," Ryouga said.  "I think they're coming
around.  Akane, talk to me... are you hurt?"

     Akane's head lolled back and forth uncomfortably on the
cheap table, trying to bring itself back to life.  Ryouga leaned
in close to see if she was breathing correctly, and was rewarded
with a slap across the cheek.

     "THAT'S for kidnapping us," Akane said, eyes popping open.  
"Where are we?  Where's Ranma?"

     Ryouga knelt where he was, stunned by the blow.  Akane
rolled over, poking the sleeping Ranma a few times.  "Wake up,
baka."

     "Mrprpmhh... wha... wha?" Ranma asked, looking up.  "Am I
dead?"

     "No," Jodan said, walking forward to greet the boy.  "Ryouga
here saved you at the last minute.  Either that our you'd be
swiss cheese city.  Welcome to our home of homes."

     "Where are we?" Ranma asked, trying to see in the dim light
of a single lightbulb.  He pulled himself off the table,
regaining his land legs.

     "Subway station 110a," Jodan said.  "You're safe, don't
panic.  We're the good guys.  Gentlemen, let us continue our work
and let these three sort things out.  Ryouga, you explain the
situation to 'em, take it away."

     "Thanks, Jodan.  I'm glad I've found you again, Akane,"
Ryouga said.  "And to think I almost lost you..."

     "Huh?" Akane asked, sitting up and getting off the table.

     "I don't think you know yet," Ryouga explained.  "But I'm
the one who helped you gain your independence.  I gave you my
immunity to the inhibitors."

     "The what?"

     "Inhibitors," Ryouga said.  "Sort of like mental patches the
Ministry of Data puts in all extenders.  They prevent clones from
breaking the law, they cover over the clone's normal personality
and memory.  Essentially, it keeps us in line."

     "But I'm not an extender," Akane said.  "I'm Akane Tendo."

     "It's normal to feel a bit disoriented," Ryouga nodded.  "I
call myself Ryouga Hibiki, because I'm close enough to him to
match.  My legal name is worthless.  But I'm still an extender,
and so are you."

     "Wait," Ranma said.  "You mean to tell me you're the one
responsible for this mess??"

     "Indirectly, yeah," Ryouga nodded.  "Believe me, I had no
idea this would happen, or that you would get dragged into it,
Ranma.  Don't worry, I'll take over from here for you."

     "Take over?"

     "I'm the one who freed Akane from her mental bonds so we
could start a new race of free extenders," Ryouga said.  "I'll
keep you safe, Akane.  The Ministries will never find us down
here."

     "S'cuze me, jack, but Akane happens to be engaged to ME,"
Ranma said.

     "ENGAGED?" Ryouga asked.  "How... how did this happen?"

     "It was that baka's dad who set it up," Akane said,
pointing.  "I certainly don't want to get married to a hentai
like him."

     "Hey!"

     "Ryouga, look, I know you mean well," Akane said,  "But I
can't be the Akane you're looking for.  I'm the original.  I
remember the Tendo Dojo, I remember my sisters, I even remember
my mother from before she died..."

     "It's a side effect.  It'll fade away eventually."

     "I don't WANT it to fade away!" Akane said.  "I'm not a
clone, you nitwit, I'm a human!  A HUMAN!"

     "Okay, I think everybody here needs to calm down," Ranma
said.  "Ryouga, quit it with this nonsense about her being a
clone, it's upsetting her."

     "I'm not upset," Akane said in an upset tone.

     "But it's the truth!" Ryouga said.  "How can she deny the
truth?  It'd be like denying that two plus two is four."

     "We don't have anything to go on but your say," Ranma said. 
"I'd hardly call that conclusive.  From what I've learned, you
need to get more information than that before you can run around
proclaiming truth."

     "What else COULD she be?" Ryouga asked.  "She came to you in
a crate, right?  Foam peanuts?  She's an extender, then.  The
real Akane died in a car bomb years ago.  How could she get from
there to here, a freak wormhole?  Come on, Akane, listen to
reason!"

     "I'm human!" Akane protested.  "I can't be a clone!"

     "Bub, back off," Ranma warned.  "You're really pushing it
here."

     "What do you care?" Ryouga asked.  "She said she didn't want
to marry you.  Do you want to marry her?"

     "What?  No!  Of course not!"

     "Then the matter is settled and she's mine," Ryouga said,
holding an outstretched hand to Akane.  "You've got no right to
her, Ranma.  Come on, Akane, let's go."

     Akane's eyes flashed red in anger, as she grabbed the table
one handed and smashed it directly over Ryouga's head.  Ryouga
crumpled like an origami bird, crashing to the ground with the
table over him.  All eyes in the room focused on the impact,
feeling a bit of mutual pain.

     "Nobody OWNS me.  Got it?" Akane said, sternly.  "I'm going
to bed.  It's been a HARD DAY and I don't want to hear anything
more about this.  You!  Jodan.  Where can I sleep?"

     "Uhh..." Jodan said, "Well, umm... I keep a crash room off
to the left here--"

     Akane wordlessly marched out of the room, and slammed the
makeshift door to the guest room behind her.  The surviving males
of the room looked at the door, wondering if it would explode
from the forceful closing.

     "I... I think I'd better make sure she's okay," Ranma
muttered, and carefully opened the door again.

     "Chao?  Raph?  Am I wrong, or did I just see someone clock
the world's strongest teenager with our imitation stone table?"
Jodan asked.

     "You're not wrong," Chao said.  "Wow, man.  Good follow
through on that swing.  She'd be good at a riot."

     Jodan picked his way across the room to the table, and
lifted up a corner.  "Ryouga-kun?  You alive under there?"

     "Mmph," Ryouga replied.

     "He's okay!" Jodan cheered, dropping the table corner again
to an accompanying yelp.  "Come on, guys, let's get this thing
off of him."

                              *

     "He's out of his mind," Akane concluded, pacing around the
room at a rapid pace as Ranma watched from the cot.  "Completely
out of his mind.  A clone?  HA!  Do I look like a clone to you?"

     "Well--"

     "DO I?"

     "Yaah!  Look, Akane, I don't know yet," Ranma said.  "I'm
not saying you are, I'm not saying you aren't, but we don't know
enough to decide on either."

     "I wasn't very sure at first... since I WAS in a crate...
but I remember it all!" Akane said.  "Dad's overreacting to
everything, Kasumi's cooking, Nabiki always getting the house out
of debt... how could a clone know any of that?"

     "I don't honestly know."

     "This is so annoying.  I wish the Ministry of Data would
have made extenders something... more," Akane said.  "Or
something less.  Just something identifying.  Maybe a four year
lifespan, or a metal endoskeleton, or no need for food and
rest... extenders are too human to identify from the rest of the
population.  YOU could be an extender for all I know."

     "Yeah, right," Ranma laughed.  "I've got birth records to
prove otherwise."

     "Birth records!" Akane said.  "That's it.  If I can find my
birth record, I'll be in the clear!"

     "It wouldn't work," Ranma said, shaking his head.  "The
closest an extender would have would be a purchase order.  The
only birth record you'd find would be for the original Akane
Tendo, which doesn't prove it one way or another."

     "ARGH!" Akane growled in frustration.  "This is the most
confusing night of my life!  I'd hate to be an extender and have
the only night I've been alive be so perplexing."

     "I wish I could help, really," Ranma said.  "I'm just as
puzzled as you are.  I'm almost willing to turn myself into the
Ministry of Peace.  I might be horribly tortured and maimed, but
at least I'd know WHY."

     Akane looked horrified.  "Ranma, don't SAY things like
that."

     "Relax, I'm not going to," Ranma smirked.  "Besides, why
would you care?"

     "Well... I wouldn't," Akane said.  "I mean, I wouldn't for
you as a person, but to have any hu... living thing to die is
awful, right?  Right."

     "Thought so," Ranma said.  "In that case, I'd hate for you
as a person to get caught, but you yourself can go off with
Ryouga for all I care."

     "Hmph.  Whatever.  I'm going to bed," Akane said, stretching
out.  She sat down on a nearby cot.  "Extender or not, I need
some sleep."

     "Err, Akane?"

     "What?"

     "You're on my cot," Ranma said, pointing.

     "It's the only cot, baka.  Oh, wait... it's the only cot?"
Akane asked, looking around.  "We can't exactly both sleep on the
same cot... it'd be... I'll take the floor."

     "No, don't bother," Ranma said, getting up.  "I'll take the
floor, you can have the cot.  It's more restful, and you could
use your rest.  It's traditional for the guy to ride the carpet
anyway."

     "What, just because I'm a girl I can't sleep on the floor?"
Akane asked.  "I'll sleep there anyway!"

     "Suit yourself," Ranma said, lying down carefully.  "I'm too
tired to argue.  I don't want to argue anymore..."

     "Me either..." Akane said, relaxing on the floor.  Within
moments, both were fast asleep.

                              *

     "All set," Jodan said, kicking the small robot in its
metallic rear.  "Once put into action, this little baby'll slap
your cartoon all over the city until someone blows it up.  The
miracle of modern technology!"

     "And if someone does wreck it?" Chao asked.

     "Paintbomb," Jodan grinned.  "Splooey!  And with Raphael's
famous t-shirt paint, they'll have to wash it a few thousand
times to get the gunk out.  I loaded it with a lovely vomit
color."

     "I still say it should explode into a wall of flame," Chao
said.  "The little graffiti-bot looks like a bomb as is."

     "Chao, EVERYTHING looks like a bomb to you," Raph laughed. 
"Bombs are seventy five percent of your personality.  You're
practically a fire otaku."

     "I think the bastards deserve a little hot foot," Chao said. 
"Only YOU never let me."

     "We're not trying to get arrested, Chao, we're trying to
play with the minds of man and have some yuks.  That's what
Ministry of Confusion is about."

     "And the news reports of bombs and mayhem?" Chao asked. 
"Who's doing THAT in our name if we're not?  That's what we
should be doing."

     "Don't ask me who's using our name in vain, I just work
here," Jodan said.  "Alright, Raph, Chao, you two deploy our
mechanical paintbrush here.  Use the number six stairwell,
they've been poking around number three lately."

     "Check, boss.  Come on, firebug, let's go," Raph said. 
"Start pushing.  I thought we got Ryouga to carry the heavy
stuff."

     "Go easy on him, huh?  He's had a hard day," Jodan said. 
"Ryouga, you feeling any better?"

     Nothing but silence from the Hibiki sitting in the corner. 
Raph and Chao paused for a moment, shrugged, and started the long
process of carrying the robot to the subway exit.  Jodan crept
over to Ryouga, taking a seat next to him.

     "Bad day?" he asked lamely.

     "Bad life," Ryouga said.  "I can't believe I was so
insensitive... 'She's Mine'.  What was I thinking, Jodan?"

     "Ryouga, you yourself said the point of being a inhibitor-
free extender was to be able to pick your own destiny," Jodan
reminded him.  "You can't expect Akane to go along with
everything you say because you helped her into independence. 
Maybe with a normal inhibited Akane you could... all the Akane
extenders I've seen are extra-nice and inoffensive."

     "I know why, too," Ryouga said.  "The inhibitors we put in
Akanes cover up her original personality.  Her clone base had an
incredibly strong personality, we needed Ryouga model plugs to
keep it in check."

     "I can see why you're so pissed off about the whole extender
situation.  You've had to deal with it on a daily basis."

     "Tell me about it.  My job is to butcher people.  We're
turning out a hundred clones a year, and going out of our way to
make them different in an identical way.  It's awful.  What're
they trying to do?"

     "Me, I don't worry," Jodan said.  "Government is as
government does.  The Ministry of Economics will start a strike
force to eliminate theft one day and the janitors will handle
murder cases the next.  Maybe tomorrow the Ministry of Data will
start selling ice cream.  It's one big-ass Ministry of Confusion. 
I gotta thank whoever coined that term; it's made a wonderful
rallying cry against everything that sucks in Tokyo."

     "But you don't DO any rallying against it!" Ryouga said. 
"You paint stupid drawings on the walls, you run propaganda
flyers, you egg the Ministry of Peace.  None of that is making a
difference."

     "Ryouga, we're punks," Jodan said.  "Jokers.  We're not the
terrorists the news claims we are and never wanted to be.  We're
just trying to have fun at some higher-ups expense.  We could
never change the situation even if we wanted to, so we're just
enjoying it.  Now lighten up a little, eh?  We're housing and
feeding you, you know."

     "I know, I know.  I'm sorry."

     "It's okay.  Now, you've got more pressing needs.  What're
you going to do about Akane?  You made the situation, you need to
handle it.  It's obvious she's attached to Ranma already."

     "No she isn't.  She said she wasn't," Ryouga stated.

     "Read between the lines, man.  Why would Ranma insist that
you stop badgering her?  If they didn't care one iota for each
other Ranma wouldn't even BE here.  We're not talking bodice-
ripping rip your heart out romance of the century, but we're not
taking the bitter hatred it looks like either."

     "Jodan, you're a wise man, a wiseguy in a way, but you're
wrong," Ryouga said.  "Akane is NOT in love with Ranma.  It's
just... stupid.  The problem is that she's not in love with me,
either."

     "Was she supposed to be?"

     "Yes!"

     "What, you engineered a personality plug for it?"

     "Ye... NO!" Ryouga yelled.  "God, Jodan, how can you ACCUSE
me of something like that?  You know I hate those damn things."

     "Okay, okay, okay, I'm sorry, I take it back.  Why would you
expect her to love you, though?"

     "I don't know.  Maybe because I love her?" Ryouga asked.  "I
can't help it.  It's weird, I've worked with Akane extenders all
my life, but I never thought one particular one would stick out
from the bunch and send me spinning like this..."

     "My suggestion is to tell her that," Jodan said.

     "I'll go wake her up."

     "No!  No, Ryouga, you fool, TIMING.  Timing is the key to
any joke," Jodan said.  "Not now.  Wait until the moment presents
itself.  Make sure Ranma's not around, too.  If you're lucky, and
she feels the same way deep down, you'll be okay."

     "And if I'm unlucky?"

     "Don't think about the unlucky.  Just roll with it," Jodan
suggested, making a little wave motion with his hand.  "Rock on
and see how things turn out.  Passive is the only way to go."

     "Alright.  I'll give it a shot... later.  For now, Akane's
right, it has been a long day.  Where can I crash?"

     "Use Chao's room," Jodan offered.  "Down the tunnel there
and to the right.  Mind the ashes, they're slippery.  Boy's got a
rather one dimensional personality, bless his soul."

                              *

     So, the late hours of night descended upon Tokyo.

     Far below the surface, the members of the Ministry of
Confusion practical joke club slept soundly, Chao snoozing on the
living room table as a result of room displacement.  Nothing
stirred; the ancient trains in the tunnels beyond made no sounds. 
Even the rats were asleep.

     A lone figure was not stirring, but he wasn't asleep either. 
Moving with a gliding step that rivaled the wind, the man made
his way to the crash room, to Akane.  His intentions were not the
purest.

     Specifically, he was going to kill her.

     His intentions were clear; Tomboy Akane Saotome was to die,
as well as Ranma Saotome.  He knew what he had to do.

     Turning the knob slowly, as not to scrape the metals
together enough to make a sound, he opened the door to the crash
room.  In the bad lighting, he made out the two sleeping victims. 
He decided on Akane first.

     The killer took the pillow from the unused cot, and knelt
down to push it over her face.  A few minutes would be all it
took, if he wanted to.

     Didn't he want to?

     The killer paused, pillow mere inches from Akane's sleeping
form.  He was going to, of course, in the end, but the matter of
want was questionable.  Did he genuinely want this?  It didn't
matter of course, since he was supposed to do it anyway, but he
didn't know he didn't want to.

     He didn't want to.  The killer thought about this, trying to
hear some far off sound that was screaming no to him.  He
considered ignoring it, but they hadn't killed his curiosity;
nothing said he couldn't examine this noise before killing them.

     The man walked out of the crash room, pillow in hand, trying
to trace the noise.  It was distant, but he couldn't pinpoint the
direction.  He turned his head experimentally to track the
panning, but there was no change.  Perhaps it was directly above
him?  Directly below?

     No, it's inside you.

     The man reeled, trying to figure out where that sudden,
crisp voice can from.  He didn't notice the figure creeping up on
him until it was too late; the killer was pushed to the ground,
grabbed from inside and crushed until dead...

     Ryouga gasped for breath, sweating.  He couldn't believe
what almost happened; he almost KILLED AKANE.  What made him
think he had to do that?  He was damn lucky he noticed what he
was doing and stopped himself before it could have happened... a
strange stopping power, just like... the time he overrode his
inhibitors.

     Damn.  Kodachi.  Kodachi let him go, but put something in
his head while he was out to make him into the perfect assassin! 
Ryouga managed to destroy that new inhibitor, since had gotten
used to the practice of stomping out mental bugfixes, but
still... he had nearly...

     Ryouga dropped the pillow.  What if there were more plugs in
his head?  What if Kodachi did something else to him?  She more
than likely would, since he'd easily override the first one.  He
would be a danger to his beloved Akane...

     It wasn't safe to be around her, but he couldn't just LEAVE
her with that Ranma moron.  What could he do?

     Not much.  Kodachi had forced his hand; if he wanted to
ensure her safety, he had to stay away.  Ryouga muttered a silent
curse against the Commander of the Peace and ran off.  Hopefully,
Ranma would keep her safe... until he could again.

     Ryouga charged out of the underground complex, in a
completely random direction.  He kept running, occasionally
through a wall or two; he wanted to keep his distance between
himself and Akane.

     Sometime soon, he promised himself, when I'm sure she'll be
safe from me, I'll come back.  Then she'll know he loved her and
that would be that.

     It was only a matter of time.  Ryouga lost her once and
found her again; he could lose her once more and find her a third
time.

     Now if only he could find his way out of these lousy subway
tunnels...

                         End of File
                         Ministry of Data record GH.3704.7734.4
                         Private use only


                 Ranma 1/2 : Ministry of Confusion
                              Part 5

           A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne

     (Most characters copyright Rumiko Takahashi, obviously.  If
     I ever even considered claiming that these were my own
     characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where
     I'd be forced to eat my own lungs to live.)

     (Author's note : I've got the MoC web page up right now at
     Spatula City.  To get there direct, use :

     http://www.wam.umd.edu/~twoflowr/ministry.htm

     Note HTM, not HTML.  Thankee and on with the show.)

-=-

     "What a bummer," Raph grumbled, kicking a rock out of the
way of his progress down the subway tunnels.

     "I TOLD Jodan we should have stuck some bombs in it," Chao
said.  "I can't believe the Ministry of Sanitation found and
blasted the bejeezus out of our paint bot that fast."

     "They're getting sharper at the crime game," Raph shrugged. 
"I mean, used to be we could get a few walls decorated before
anybody noticed... this time, turn it on, it rounds a corner, and
BOOM, blown up.  How lucky for us to have two janitors standing
nearby when we turned it on.  I wish I was there so I could have
at least seen it go, but hey, nature called..."

     "Oh, they weren't nearby," Chao said.  "They must have been
hiding or something; I didn't even know they were there."

     Raph paused.  "Hiding?  The janitors don't hide..."

     "Wiry little red suited bastards," Chao said.  "Did you see
the looks on their face when they blasted the bot?  They jumped
out of the alley, unloaded some rounds, and exchanged high fives
with that stupid smile plastered across their mugs all the way...
Well, of course you didn't see it, number two does take priority. 
At least the 'bot looked cool going BOOM!  BLAM!  KABOOM!"  Chao
made lots of wild arm gestures.

     "Hiding and red.  Chao, pop quiz.  Which color does the
Ministry of Sanitation use?"

     "Red, why?"

     "Because you're wrong.  That's Peace.  Sanitation is blue."

     "Who cares?  It's all government and ample gunfodder.  The
element of fire doesn't care what colors you wear."

     "I care, because very likely they started looking for the
owner of that 'bot moments after terminating it.  Chao, very
slowly, turn your head and see if anybody's following us." Raph
suggested, in a perfectly calm voice.  "Don't make it look like
you're looking for--"

     "Hey, whoa!" Chao said cheerily, spinning around and walking
backwards.  "We've got visitors!"

     Raph cursed Chao's naturally dense nature and grabbed his
arm, bolting for the nearest hiding place.

     "Huh?" Chao asked, letting himself get tugged along.

     "You nitwit, they were SOLDIERS!" Raph cursed.  "They
probably trailed us all the way here.  We've lead them right to
HQ!  I thought you were playing scout this time around."

     "Weren't you?"

     "Down there!" Raph pointed, diving off the platform and
landing on the tracks.  He rolled off, under the alcove and out
of sight from the trailing soldiers, Chao scrambling behind him.

     "Crawl along this way," Chao pointed, "There's an access
tube that'll lead us back to the hideout.  We'll lose 'em for
sure that way, and be able to warn Jodan they're coming."

                              *

     "Excuse me, where's the subway exit?" Ryouga asked.

     "Subway?  You're in the sewer!" the sanitation worker said,
looking at the boy with interest.

     "SEWER?... nevermind.  Sorry to bother you," Ryouga
apologized, setting off in the wrong direction again.

                              *

     "Just our luck to bump into soldiers," Raph said, inching
his way along the air duct.  "Jodan's not gonna be happy that our
gag messed up, or that we may have to change locations again."

     "Jodan will get over it," Chao offered.  "He always does,
and then bam, it's on to the next gag.  Raph, don't you get sick
of the jokes sometimes?"

     "How so?"

     "We're not really doing anything for The Cause(tm)," Chao
said, creeping along the dark tunnel.  "No massive sweeping
uprisings, no riots, no uncovering dark truths that will forever
stain the image of the Ministries.  Nothing COOL."

     "Chao, we're just punks.  What were you expecting?"

     "Now, when the Tendos took over, there were some really
righteous uprisings.  Fire and protest and lots of nightsticks. 
Remember the riots?"

     "Yeah.  They ended a month later when we realized we were
better off with the Tendos than we were before."

     "Watch it, Raph.  That sounded vaguely positive."

     "Sorry, sorry.  Yeah, I know the Ministries are starting to
botch things up, but remember back when the Tendo administration
was new?  Back when Akane was running the MoP, not that whacked
Kunou girl."

     "Yeah, I remember."

     "Things were going great then.  We didn't have extenders, we
weren't at war and the economy was quite prosperous," Raph said. 
"Heck, I even had some government mural jobs lined up!  Where'd
it all go wrong?"

     "Things fall apart," Chao suggested.  "The center does not
hold."

     "Whoa.  That's really deep, man."

     "Thanks.  I wrote it myself," Chao boasted.

     "I never really liked the extender project.  Maybe that's
what kicked this whole mess off, since it was the first time a
Ministry did something it wasn't originally zoned to do," Raph
mused.  "Or maybe it was when Kodachi took the late Akane's slot
and decided to invade Asia.  Or maybe it was just time
deterioration.  Are you SURE you wrote that, Chao?"

     "Would I lie?" Chao asked.  "Me, I think everything was
screwed up from the start.  Like, when man crawled out of the
oceans kind of start.  What does Jodan think?"

     "He doesn't think anything's screwed up," Raph said.  "He
just thinks everything's gotten sillier and much more amusing."

     "Sounds like something fearless leader would say.  Speaking
of which, can we please crawl faster?  I'm getting
claustrophobic."

     "Don't panic, the opening's just ahead," Raph said,
pointing.  "Oh, YUCK!"

     "What?  What?"

     "Chao, did you just cut one?  Don't light a match!"

     "No, I didn't!" Chao protested.  "I swear!  Where IS that
smell coming fro... ahhh..."

     "I think I may be violently sick," Raph said, his vision
starting to go.  He groped for the air tunnel exit, a few feet
ahead, but couldn't reach it from his position and couldn't crawl
anymore...

     "Hey, cool!" Chao gurgled.  "Knockout gas C-16, MoP patent
#3526!  Nonflammable, but hey WHOOOAO.... the colors..."

     Chao's head hit the metal airshaft floor with a thunk,
dreaming happy little dreams of destruction and mayhem.

                              *

     "Looky looky what we found!" Henry Tuttle Wataru grinned,
pulling an arm out of the sliced-open ventilation duct.  "Larry,
get a torch over here."

     An identical Tuttle looked up from his paperwork, and passed
Henry a flashlight with an underhand toss.  Henry aimed the beam
into the shaft.

     "Whooo!  Live ones!  Madam Kodachi, we've got a few more
urchins here!"

     "Now you understand I want this one brought in separately
and NOT in the usual way," Kodachi said, nudging Jodan's sleeping
form with a bamboo umbrella.  The solider she was talking to
nodded, and hauled the boy away.  Kodachi walked delicately
through the Ministry of Confusion living room to the air grate.

     "Have you found something?" she asked.

     "Check it, miss," Henry beamed, beaming the light into the
shaft.  "Not one, but TWO terrorist yokels.  These must be the
two our lads spotted earlier.  They must've been crawling home
when we flooded the air vents with gas... didn't get real far,
did they?"

     "Two more Ministry of Confusion punks.  That accounts for
all of them.  Have a few of the stronger soldiers pull them out
of there and file them up with the other one."

     "Usual, ma'am?"

     "No, not the usual," Kodachi said.  "Tag them for chamber
one."

     "A form 45737/a then, yes?"

     "Whatever suits your fancy, just make sure they're placed in
chamber one."

     "Wot about the other two?" Henry said, pointing his
clipboard to the curled up figures of Ranma and Akane, dragged
out of the crash room by MoP soldiers.  "Never woke up, those
two.  Won't they be surprised to recover in one of the chambers? 
Rude awakening, I must say--"

     "Ranma is to be hand-delivered to my office.  Hand-delivered
CAREFULLY.  Import a table for the occasion.  I'll decide what
fun to have with him afterwards, once Nabiki is done with her
silly experiment.  He could prove to be quite enjoyable!"

     "Pardon, miss?"

     "You heard me, Tuttle.  Send Ranma Saotome to my office,"
Kodachi said.  "As for Tomboy Akane Saotome, I've already filed
the forms for her fate.  You'll find them upon arrival; put her
in chamber five and have her read and sign them."

     "Miss, I was under the impression we sort of wanted those
two dead..."

     "You had the wrong impression," Kodachi said.  "First of
all, the Ministry of Peace does not kill wantonly.  Second, we
couldn't cover this up safely anyway, there aren't any witnesses
around to confirm our story.  Third, I could never damage a human
as perfect as my dear Saotome-kun here.  Who'd have known I'd
bump into my mister right in a terrorist hideout?"

     "Odd behavior for you, miss."

     "Nonsense, and any further thought along those lines is
hazardous to your health," Kodachi warned.

     "Right as always, miss," Henry nodded.  "Alright, boys, tag
'em and bag 'em.  We've got some prisoners to ship."

     "I had hoped our little Ryouga clone would have taken care
of the messy business for us," Kodachi said, contemplating the
umbrella she was carrying around.  "Oh well.  I suppose it was
worth the one-time shot at it.  In the end, though, when you want
to have something done right, you've got to do it yourself."

     Kodachi cast the useless umbrella aside, and followed her
troops out of the subway, leaving the former headquarters of
Tokyo's greatest terrorist threat empty.  Empty save for one
person watching from a grate in the ceiling, bandanna around his
mouth to filter out the fumes.

     A few moments later, the grate crashed to the ground, a
sizeable fist indentation in it, bending the unbendable metal. 
Ryouga Hibiki jumped out of the ceiling duct, grabbed his
umbrella, and charged out the door blindly.

                              *

     Akane recognized the faint strain of elevator music as she
slowly woke up.  It was very much like being in a dental office.

     She wasn't in the floor of the subterranean hideout anymore. 
In fact, she wasn't on the floor at all, but strapped onto a
large red table.  Completely restrained, unable to escape...

     "Ah, yer awake," a familiar face said, peering down at her. 
"Greets.  Tuttle, Henry Tuttle Wataru.  Ministry of Peace. 
You're listening to some nice synthesized Bach, and I'll be your
torturer tonight.  Any special requests before we begin?"

     "M... Mi... Peace?" Akane asked, trying to wake her vocal
cords up.

     "I think I know wot you're thinking," Henry said, sitting
back on his office stool, pulling out his clipboard again to take
some notes.  "Here I am, fugitive from the law, trapped in a
debriefing room at the Ministry of Peace, most likely about to be
tortured to death.  It's quite common actually, most of the
people we drag in here think that!  Ha ha!"

     "Is it right?" Akane asked, deathly afraid.

     "Yup!" Henry grinned.  "Don't worry, you're not scheduled
for death for another three hours.  Until then, it'll just be
torture."

     Akane screamed inwardly, and pulled at the single-strap
velcro bonds.  The snakelike restraint didn't budge a bit, and
scraped against her skin in the process.

     "Calm down, miss, it's quite normal for living things to
die.  You might say we were born for it," Henry joked.  "I hope I
can make it nice 'n easy for you though.  Is my slap-happy,
cheerful disposition helping?"

     "No!"

     "Well, I tried.  'course, miss, there are OTHER options than
death.  You're quite the gal, you know, a real survivor," Henry
said, pulling a few forms off of his clipboard.  "The Ministry of
Peace is taking a special interest in you.  I've got some
downright strange orders here, you know.  I'm supposed to ask how
badly you don't want to kick the bucket, miss."

     "VERY BADLY!" Akane yelled.  "What did you THINK I'd say?"

     "Oh, I don't know.  Some of these rebel types are perfectly
willing to go down for the cause.  It's the people you meet at
this job which really make it enjoyable," Henry said, sifting
through forms.  "Okay, you've got an option plan here.  Just sign
here, please, and we'll continue from there.  You can read the
papers after you sign."  Henry placed a pen in Akane's restrained
hand, and shuffled the clipboard around under the pen tip,
signing her name for her.

     "What do I have to do?" Akane asked.

     "Don't know," Henry said.  "The forms are for your eyes
only.  Here you go, tell me when to turn pages."

     Akane nodded, and started to read.

                              *

     Ranma recognized the faint strain of elevator music as he
slowly woke up.  It was very much like being in a doctor's
office.

     He blinked a few times, trying to get the glaze that had
formed over his eyes to go away.  He could make out a series of
blobs, but nothing better than that.

     "Your experiment is so handsome, Nabiki!  Can I keep him
once you're done?  I promise to feed him and keep him warm and
safe."

     "Are you nuts?" a blob with a voice very similar to Mousse
yelped, enraged.  "Shampoo's productivity output has been halved
since she bumped into him!  She's too busy thinking happy little
thoughts to work.  She's also constantly telling me what a nicer,
stronger, better man he is than I am and how she's gonna marry
him.  I thought I was going to get some revenge on Saotome once
we're done."

     "Neither of you two are getting him," Nabiki concluded. 
"This is MY experiment, not yours, and I'm releasing him back to
his father once we're done.  It's only fair, considering the mess
he's been put through.  Kasumi backs me up on this."

     "That's right.  It's bad enough he's had to be a test
subject, but to leave him to a fate that horrible would be
unforgivable," Kasumi nodded.

     "Yeah, well, I don't back you up on this and neither does
Kodachi," Mousse said.  "Two way split.  He'll have to be kept
here until we decide what to do.  Easy target that way, sadly."

     "Oh boy!" Kodachi grinned evilly.  "Ohohohoho!  This could
be fun!  Ranma-kun, do you like fine leathers?"

     "Mousse, if you let Kodachi get him, you'll NEVER have a
chance at revenge," Nabiki reasoned.  "You think she'd let you
hurt him?"

     Mousse paused.  "Damn.  Alright, release him, I'll deal with
it later.  Sorry, Kodachi.  Ranma, are you awake yet?"

     "Yeah," Ranma gurgled.

     "Ranma darling!" Kodachi smiled, bounding over to his side. 
"Tell me, how did a cute little thing like you get mixed up with
this horrible, horrible little accountant girl?  Marry me and get
away from all this nonsense about going home."

     "I think she likes you, Ranma," Kasumi smiled softly. 
"She's been talking about you ever since she brought you back to
us!  And to think I always figured Kodachi to be a cold,
heartless girl."

     "I was just waiting for mister right," Kodachi said, making
a face at the elder Tendo.

     "Is that why you've taken me here?" Ranma asked.  "Because
I'm mister right?  I wouldn't doubt it, I've experienced weirder
tonight."

     "No, just completing an experiment," Nabiki said, "Hold
still, I'm not done yet."

     "What's that thing you're waving at me?" Ranma asked,
focusing on the beeping whirring box.

     "It's just a medical scanner, Ranma, relax."

     "I thought those things were the size of a room!"

     "When you run the Ministry of Economics, you tend to want to
travel light.  Okay, girls--"

     "Ahem," Mousse ahemed.

     "--and guy.  I can now declare Experiment-R a total failure. 
Oh well.  You can go now, Ranma, sorry about the mixup," Nabiki
said, pulling a lever next to Ranma's examination table.  The
restraint whipped back into place, letting Ranma slide down the
table and onto his feet, much to his own surprise.

     "What's Experiment-R?" he asked, turning to face Nabiki.

     "I was hoping something would be salvageable, but I guess
I'll just have to try again with someone else," Nabiki said. 
"I'll let you three know what I'm talking about later on in the
meeting.  Ranma, go, please."

     "I don't think so, not until you let me know why you've
captured me," Ranma said.  "I think it's reasonable to expect an
explanation."

     "It's classified, Saotome.  If you don't mind, we have a
meeting to run here.  Please exit or we'll have you escorted."

     "What's so special about me?" Ranma demanded.  "What's going
on?  Where'd you take Akane?  Where'd you take the others, for
that matter?  WHAT'S GOING ON?"

     "I'd like to tell you, Saotome-kun, but I can't.  Security?"
Nabiki called to thin air, prompting a small buzzing noise as
part of the wall slid away.

     Three large guards in red battle armor stomped out.  Ranma
cast a quick glance at them, annoyed, and turned back to Nabiki.

     "I'm not leaving until I get some answers.  My entire life
has been turned upside-down for no reason, and I want that
reason," Ranma said, pausing only to smash his elbow into an
exposed space in the armor of a guard that was about to tackle
him.  The guard collapsed, nerve-hit sending his mind spinning. 
"I thought you wanted Akane!"

     "Her?" Kodachi laughed.  "She's just an extender, Ranma,
nothing more.  It's you we wanted.  And now that you're no longer
useful, you can leave and return to your dull little life. 
Unless you'd like to stay on as my partner..."

     "I don't think so," Ranma denied, jumping over another guard
and kicking him in the back of the neck on the way down.  "Don't
you think I deserve the truth, Nabiki?  After all that's
happened?"

     "No," Nabiki said evenly.  "Not yet, no.  Maybe later.  For
now, beat it."

     "Why, you--" Ranma started, running towards Nabiki.  She
pulled out a small spray bottle and shot Ranma in the face, mists
swirling around his head.  Ranma choked and wheezed, and
collapsed, sleeping once more.

     "Oh my," Kasumi gasped.

     "Relax, I wasn't in any real danger," Nabiki said, toying
with the spray bottle.  "Ranma Saotome doesn't hit girls.  Still,
this is a pretty useful gadget.  You might want to market the
sleep gas sprayer for self defense, Kodachi.  I could do the
advertising for you."

     "Sounds good," Kodachi said.  "And very much in the spirit
of the new inter-Ministry trust we've formed!"

     "I'm so glad we've decided to not keep any more secrets,"
Kasumi nodded.  "It's better this way, you'll see.  I'll have
some men escort Ranma and Akane out so they can go home.  Nabiki,
if you will continue with the meeting?"

     "Got it, sis," Nabiki nodded, reaching for the light switch. 
A slide projector snapped on, casting an image of the boy who now
was sleeping on the floor, the image bouncing off Kodachi (who
was in the way).  Kodachi mumbled a quick apology and stepped out
of the light beam.

     "Ladies and gents, I present : Experiment-R," Nabiki said. 
"Here's exactly what I was doing with Ranma, and why."

                                   *

     "Poor bastard," Gentry Tuttle Akuyawa mumbled, wheeling the
unconscious form of Ranma Saotome down the hall.  "Kodachi ever
say what they did to him?"

     "You know better than to ask Kodachi about anything she
does, brother," Henry Tuttle Wataru warned, walking alongside his
own clone.  "Commander of the Peace orders me to ship him
upstairs, I ship him upstairs.  I finish up my work thirty
minutes later and she orders me to ship him back downstairs."

     "Mad world, eh?" Gentry grinned.

     "Mad world and I for one am glad I'm at the Ministry of
Peace to observe it," Henry nodded.  "We're safe here under her
rule, at least.  Looks like they worked over this one something
awful."

     "Really?  I can't see any bruises, lacerations or scars. 
Not the usual stuff."

     "Exactly, but he's sleeping deader than dead," Henry
commented, testing this by lifting one of Ranma's arms off the
wheelchair arm.  It flopped back down once he let go.  "Out like
a light.  Poor sop."

     "As usual, fellow Tuttle, you're always right," Gentry
nodded, sharing the camaraderie of cloneship.  He stopped the
wheelchair by the elevator and pushed the DOWN button.  "Didj'ya
hear, by the way?"

     "No, wot?"

     "New government policy.  They've pulled all the boys off the
streets they put there a few hours back and APOLOGIZED."

     "Smeg off!  You don't say.  Apologized for what?"

     "'said there woz a mixup," Gentry continued, as the elevator
doors opened and he pushed his load inside.  "Big government
confusion.  The news report even SAID it was a Ministry of
Confusion situation!  On authorization from Nabiki herself!"

     "I thought the Ministries hated that term.  It's demeaning."

     "Guess they're learning to lighten up.  Anyway, to prevent
future MoCs, the news guy said, they're adopting a new policy of
Trust and Truth.  It's a new day, my friend.  We're not going to
need to worry about one Ministry taking over anymore, they're
reaffirmed their stance towards helping the people and have
pledged to stop infighting."

     "Kudos to that.  Does your heart good to know that your
world leaders are getting along, eh?  Still, what a mess.  Did
they mention anything else about tonight's events?"

     "Something like a secret operation," Gentry continued. 
"They obviously couldn't say WHAT exactly just yet, but they
confirmed that it's over and all Ministries are up to date on it. 
Maybe they were testing some new combat robot and it got loose?"

     "Wot about this guy?" Henry asked, poking Ranma.  "I mean, I
thought he was the reason we were scrambling!"

     "Must have been a mistake," Gentry suggested.  "Look at it
this way.  Kodachi gets what she wants.  If this chap was really
a bother, he wouldn't be going home now, would he?  NOBODY leaves
the Ministry of Peace unless the Ministry of Peace wants them to
leave."

     "As usual, Tuttle, correctamundo.  Must've been a mixup."

     "Wot about the other one, the girl?  Mixup too?"

     "Oh, Kodachi had me process some forms with her," Henry
said.  "I wasn't allowed to look at them, of course, standard
signing-privacy rules.  I suppose it was a tax evasion deal or
something of that nature.  The girl seemed to understand, though. 
Calmed down quite a bit.  She's waiting for us in the lobby."

     "Who is she, anyway?"

     "Tomboy Akane Saotome," Henry said.  "This chap's wife."

     "Wot a strange name," Gentry said, as the elevator doors
dinged once more.  He pushed on the wheelchair, and ushered into
the lobby.

     Akane looked up from the endtable magazine she was nervously
thumbing through, with a worried look on her face as she saw
Ranma pushed clumsily along in the chair.  "My g... what did you
do to him?"

     "Don't know, miss," Henry said, as Gentry let the chair
coast to a stop.  "If I did, I wouldn't be authorized to say
anyway.  You can handle it from here, right?"

     "Yeah, I can," Akane said in a small voice.

     "And remember, those forms you signed are binding," Henry
said.  "Wouldn't want to see you in here again for going against
the law, right?  Nice gel like you shouldn't have to visit the
Ministry more times than she has to.  It's not right."

     "I... I promise I won't go back on them," Akane said,
uneasily taking Ranma's wheelchair by the handles.

     "Keep the chair," Gentry smiled.  "Our gift to you.  MoP
wouldn't want you throwing your back out carrying the guy.  Have
a nice day, miss."

     "I'll try," Akane nodded, and pushed the wheelchair ahead of
her towards the doors, hoping never to return again.

                              *

     "Nooobody knoooows... the trooubblleee I've SEEEEEN..."
Jodan sang badly, rattling an imaginary cup against imaginary
bars.

     "I'm just glad they didn't tie us up to that," Raph said,
pointing to the horribly uncomfortable-looking table.  "That's a
good sign.  I'm still worried, though.  Are they going to kill
us, Jodan?"

     "I think they shall treat us to a nice dinner, a movie, and
send us home with some lovely parting gifts," Jodan smiled,
staring at the ceiling.

     "You're nuts, Jodan.  We're deader than doornails," Chao
grumped.  "They're gonna make us burn away into nothing.  I've
heard they do that, they take you out of the picture completely,
without even a trace that you ever existed.  We're a thorn in
their side."

     "But we never did anything!" Raph protested.  "We painted
silly pictures on walls.  They want those jerks who are
impersonating us, the REAL terrorists.  Do you think we can
convince them we're not responsible for that stuff?"

     "No," Chao said.  "They'll probably shoot us the minute they
walk in.  Notice the red carpet; it's terrific for hiding
stains..."

     "Chao, man, you're really bringing me down," Jodan said. 
"Look at it this way.  The Ministry isn't holding us captive
beyond that locked door.  If they wanted to have fun with us,
we'd be on tables with flaming bamboo under our fingernails by
now.  Maybe they want to talk, congratulate us for our artistic
vision and send us packing.  Or they'll kill us.  Hard to say."

     "How can you be so jovial about this?" Raph asked.

     "Oh, it was bound to happen one day," Jodan said.  "Let's
face it, we're annoying little twerps.  We're not really
dangerous, but the government is great at removing annoyances
anyway.  You can't stop them, you know.  If we didn't go around
spraypainting walls, they'd find us guilty for something else. 
These dictatorships are all the same, they always get you in the
end.  There's no two ways around it, so why not take the one way
that'll provide a few yuks on the way out?"

     "Now you're bringing ME down," Raph muttered, leaning
against a wall.  "It's the waiting that's driving me nuts.  Would
they just leave us trapped in here to starve?"

     "I claim dibs on eating Chao in that case!" Jodan smirked.

     "That's awful!" Raph said, horrified.

     "Ain't it?" Jodan laughed.  "My bologna has a first name,
and it's J-O-D-A-N--"

     The door opened.

     Jodan lost his song partway through, but kept the smile.  He
backed away from the door, as did the other members of the
Ministry of Confusion, awaiting the inevitable.

     "You're free," Kodachi said, leaning in from the doorframe. 
"Go home."

     Jodan's smile fell.  "Excuse me?"

     "You heard me, go away," Kodachi said.  "I hadn't intended
on arresting you just yet anyway, but you WERE around when I
didn't need you to be.  You boys go play your little paint by
numbers games and I'll see you again soon, okay?"

     "Go home?  Wait, I don't get this," Jodan said, walking
forward.  "We're the Ministry of Confusion!  The evil plague that
threatens the city!  Aren't you the least bit angry about that?"

     "Of course not," Kodachi laughed.  "You're downright useful. 
Without a danger in the city, there's no way I'll be able to
wrestle crime rights away from the Ministry of Sanitation.  While
the threat is present, I'm on my way back to restoring this
Ministry's power.  Thanks for all your help."

     "We didn't do any of those things!" Raph said, getting the
nerve to speak.  "Interrogate us if you have to.  All I do is
paint stuff.  I'm not a terrorist threat."

     "Don't be silly, paint boy, I know that," Kodachi said,
losing her humorous tone.  "I know you're being impersonated,
too.  But you're the only ones I can drag in whenever I feel
like, and via truth test, PROVE to be the real Ministry of
Confusion.  I need evidence to prove I'm the protector of the
peace, you know, frame jobs look very bad indeed.  So, I need you
alive until I decide to pull you in."

     "But... that's..." Jodan started.  "EVIL!"

     "Observant!" Kodachi said.  "Ohohoho!  This HAS been a good
day.  I learn Nabiki's little scheme, find my ideal man, and even
assure my future as the enforcer of law and order.  I think I
shall have a nice dinner and turn in for the night.  Farewell." 
With that, she leaned out of view and bounded down the hallway,
giggling evilly all the way.

     "GET BACK HERE!" Jodan yelled, running out of the door.  He
turned left and right, looking for the Commander of the Peace. 
She was gone, vanished literally into thin air.

     "They left the door open," Raph noted, walking out of the
chamber.  "I guess we can go home now."

     "I can't believe this," Jodan snorted, kicking the wall. 
"They were going to kill us.  That's acceptable and in line with
the way governments are supposed to work.  How could they do this
to us, though?  Just let us walk?"

     "This is bad?" Raph asked, confused.

     "Yeah, it's bad!  We've worked so hard to get some respect,
and they treat us like some common punks!"

     "We ARE common punks, Jodan," Chao said, joining his
friends.  "You've said it yourself."

     "But we were nasty little punks!  Punks nobody in the
government liked.  We filled a need..."

     "I don't know about you, but as of today I'm not going to be
a punk," Raph said.  "It sounds dangerous.  If she's not lying,
we could be looking at trouble down the line.  We're the perfect
pawns for her power game."

     "Pawns," Jodan repeated.  "They are using us like pawns,
aren't they?"

     "Kinda," Raph shrugged.

     "Alright.  Let's prove them wrong.  Chao, you're getting
your wish."

     "I have a wish?" Chao asked.

     "Of course you do.  You know, your dream about taking the
Ministries and just burning everything down to the foundations? 
Destroying all of it?"

     "Yeah..." Chao said, briefly dreamy.  "You getting serious
now?  You ready to be the terrorist you claim to be?"

     "Damn ready," Jodan said.  "Maybe in the end we won't be
able to do anything about the Ministries, but I'm not going to
sit around and wait for them to pick us up again to die for THEIR
cause.  Chao, I want you researching ways we can damage these
ridiculous fireproof buildings.  Raph, we've got some planning to
do."

     "Now you're talking!" Chao grinned.  "Umm.  Should we be
talking about this INSIDE the Ministry of Peace?"

     "They never took us seriously," Jodan said.  "I doubt
they'll start now.  It'll be the last mistake they make."

                         End of File
                         Ministry of Data record GH.3704.7734.5
                         Private use only


                 Ranma 1/2 : Ministry of Confusion
                              Part 6

           A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne

     (Most characters copyright Rumiko Takahashi, obviously.  If
     I ever even considered claiming that these were my own
     characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where
     I'd be forced to eat my own lungs to live.)

-=-

     Ranma woke up for the umpteenth time, his body trying hard
to filter out the chemicals it had been bombarded with. 
Eventually his bloodstream had cleansed itself to the point where
he could regain consciousness.

     He opened his eyes slowly, half expecting to be in the
bowels of some other Ministry this time.  However, he was greeted
with an unusual sight; his own room.

     Ranma got up from his floor cot, surprised.  He turned his
head this way and that, identifying all the little trademarks of
his room; the lack of decorations, the tiny pile of books in the
corner, the overhead lamp with a tendency to flicker in humid
weather.  He was home.

     What a horrible dream he had...

     He checked his clock.  8:15 PM.  He must've taken a nap
after getting home from the library... his book was here, fairly
beat up, but still in the battered backpack he must have set next
to the cot.  He pulled it out of the nylon sack and perused a few
color-copied pages.

     "Ranma!" Akane gasped, pausing as she walked by his door. 
"You're awake!!"

     "A.. Akane?" Ranma asked.  "ARGH.  Oh well, I guess it was
too much to hope someone had pulled a Dallas on me... how long
was I out?"

     "Two days," Akane said.  Ranma facefaulted into the floor. 
"Something wrong, Ranma?"

     "Last thing I remember was Nabiki pulling out a bottle of
Windex and blasting me," Ranma said, peeling himself from the
floor.  "Guess it wasn't Windex.  What happened, Akane?  How'd I
get here?"

     "They let us go," Akane shrugged.  "Not much else to it than
that.  I wheeled you home in a chair and we've been checking on
you occasionally.  I hate to think of all the horrible things
they did to you..."

     "Actually, they didn't do anything," Ranma said, getting up
and stretching from his Rip Van Winkle impersonation.  "I woke
up, Nabiki Tendo scanned me with something and they told me to
leave.  Something about an Experiment-R.  I asked more about it
and they gassed me AGAIN."

     "Since when does Nabiki do experiments?" Akane asked.  "From
what I recall back home, she only did finances... no interest in
science."

     "You're not kidding, huh?  How much do you remember about
your life and/or your clone base's life?" Ranma asked.

     "Everything," Akane said.  "That's what I've been doing the
last two days waiting for you to recover, trying to remember it
all.  I even remember when we established the government after
the old one collapsed... but not much beyond that."

     "How's dad doing?"

     "Your father is fine," Genma said, walking over to Ranma's
door as well.  "Although he was worried SICK about you, Ranma. 
Still, it's good to have you back, son."

     "By all rights, I SHOULDN'T be back," Ranma grumbled. 
"Neither should Akane.  What did they want from us?  Why'd they
let us go?"

     "I don't think we'll ever know," Akane sighed.  "Me, I'm
glad it's over.  I haven't heard a peep out of the Ministry of
Peace about it either, which is GOOD."

     "Give me an update here, Akane.  What's been happening in
the world while I was out?"

                              *

     "I still don't buy it," Nabiki complained, pacing around her
posh office at the Ministry of Economics.  "I don't buy it one
bit.  I mean, yes, we all signed declarations not to hold any
more secrets, but pen and paper doesn't mean anything to Kodachi. 
She's still hiding something.  Found anything yet?"

     The covert agent in her office shrugged.  "I have a few
leads, but not much," the agent said sadly.  "I don't have any
way to explore them, either, at least not any safe way."

     "What about our guards?" Nabiki asked.  "They're not
commandos, but they should be good enough for some side work."

     "We can't risk it.  They would HAVE to be covert to follow
the leads I've found.  I've done as much tracing as I can through
untraceable channels.  To go farther means risk, and if we take
that risk and lose, Kodachi'll know in an instant who's
responsible.  This Truth and Trust policy would put us in a very
bad position if Kodachi made her discovery public."

     "Alright... then we need an operative who's separate, out of
the loop," Nabiki said.  "Someone who won't know what he's
working for or why, but would be willing to do it and have the
skills needed.  People like that don't grow on trees, DT."

     "Begging your pardon, miss, but I think I may have one," DT
said.  "I hazard to bring it up, because it's probably a bad idea
to use someone who so recently was in the spotlight... it's a
half baked notion, but..."

     "Spit it out, who?"

     "Ranma?" DT shrugged.  "Okay, okay, it's a wild idea. 
According to the reports he was ranting and foaming at the mouth,
wondering what the Ministries were up to.  We could give him the
chance to uncover some information for himself and us.  He's the
only person I can think of that could do it properly."

     "He wouldn't cooperate," Nabiki said.  "My little
Experiment-R failure is very, very suspicious after the ordeal
he's been put through."

     "I never said we'd give him a choice, ma'am."

     "Good point.  Still, it would be very hard to coerce him."

     "We could catch his Akane..." DT suggested.  "I could hold
her downstairs for you while Ranma investigates the leads."

     Nabiki narrowed her eyes.  "DT, you know I disapprove of
kidnapping, especially an Akane.  Have some respect for the
children of my dear departed sister."

     "Sorry, sorry," DT apologized.  "Sorry.  I shouldn't have
mentioned it.  Still, what else can we do?  Ranma's in an ideal
position for black ops.  He'll be kept from knowing who he works
for, he'll have the curiosity to go for it, and certainly he'll
have the strength and speed to provide his own backup."

     Nabiki considered this, turning to her window to observe the
Tokyo skyline.  As usual, it was nearly as bright now as it was
during the day, thanks to the holograms and neon and halogen
lights.  Fortunately Nabiki's office had one way mirrors for
windows; she wouldn't want anybody finding out who DT was.

     "How many leads do you have about Kodachi's operations?"
Nabiki asked, breaking the silence.

     "A few.  Some more threatening than others, but at least two
extremely dangerous ones.  I can only speculate about that, of
course, we won't know until we check them out."

     "Can't we just special order an extender?" Nabiki asked. 
"Or make one of our own.  We have the equipment from Experiment-
R, even if I claimed it was destroyed in the name of Truth and
Trust."

     "We could, but the only way to truly ensure cooperation was
with inhibitors, which would also decrease the clone's
performance," DT said.  "I know it's a long shot, but my advice
is to use Ranma.  You don't have many options here, Nabiki. 
Trust and Truth or none of the above, the Ministry of Economics
is in danger."

     "But how would we convince him to do it?" Nabiki asked. 
"Curiosity isn't enough, DT.  We'd need a toehold on him somehow. 
Could we offer to tell him about Experiment-R?  I don't think it
would hurt much."

     "I can offer that as an opener, but it may not be enough,"
DT said.  "He'd very likely beat the tar out of me for not saying
more.  He's unstable at the moment, Nabiki.  Three nights ago his
life got very, very complicated for no reason and he'd do
anything to figure out why, as long as that anything is on his
own terms.  Experiment-R might be enough, but if it isn't, we'll
have blown our chance."

     "Does he have any weaknesses?" Nabiki asked.  "Anything we
can use?  Phobias?  Complexes?  Traditions?  You know him better
than I do, DT.  To me he's just an experiment gone wrong and a
bunch of genetic data."

     "Hrm.  I think he's afraid of cats."

     "Not enough."

     "Well, you KNOW he doesn't hit girls," DT said.  "A girl
would be perfectly safe around him, just like bulletproof armor."

     "A girl... you know... that's gives me an idea," Nabiki
said, a slow grin spreading off her face.  She turned to face her
operative, who shuffled around uncomfortably under her gaze. 
"Call down to the basement and see if they still have the results
of the failed Experiment-J."

     "I thought that goop never worked."

     "SOME of it did, DT.  Just not any of the useful varieties. 
I think the kind we need might still be available, however.  Go
see to it.  One last question; have we finally figured out where
Akane went in the mayhem?"

     "You're going to have to be more specific, ma'am.  There's
been a LOT of mayhem recently."

     "The mayhem in the Ministry of Data warehouse.  You know, we
were shipping Akane down there for secret storage, and Kodachi's
goons opened fire?"

     "Oh, yes, data.  Umm.  Nabiki, I hate to say it, but she's
more than likely dead," DT said in a quiet voice.  "From what
I've been able to tell through the records and security tapes,
the real Akane got mixed in with the other crates... some Akanes
died who were on cold storage when the fight began... some got
shipped... everything went nuts."

     "Could she have been shipped?"

     "I picked through the file mess with a fine tooth comb,
ma'am.  Every shipped Akane had a clone's trademark.  None of
them were humans.  None of them were in a coma, and none of them
were the real Akane Tendo that we brought down there."

     "How about the one that got shipped to Ranma?" Nabiki asked,
pulling at straws.

     "Trademarked.  She's a clone."

     "Damn," Nabiki cursed, biting her lip.  "I was so close
there, DT.  If I could have gotten her out of that coma, I could
prove that Kodachi planted the car bomb.  It would have taken
mere two hours with Ministry of Data equipment to revive her... I
guess she's lost for good now.  If daddy were around he'd be
flooding the room by now."

     "If you want, I could send out some further inquiries--"

     "No," Nabiki denied.  "The time for mourning is later.  See
to getting Ranma on our side, we'll investigate Kodachi's little
hobbies.  Akane would have wanted us to take the stupid
megalomaniac down."

                              *

     "Truth, huh," Ranma said flatly.

     "Truth and Trust, yeah.  It's the big catch phrase,
overshadowing 'Ministry of Confusion' in buzzword popularity,"
Akane said.  "That's everything.  Not a peep out of the
Ministries otherwise.  Things are back to normal again in Tokyo,
Ranma.  I, for one, am glad."

     "I don't buy it," Ranma said.  "No way everything's nice and
happy and out in the open.  For one thing, what's Experiment-R? 
I can OBVIOUSLY tell what the R is, but what did they mean?"

     "Ranma, just let it slide," Akane suggested, in calm tones. 
"I don't want you tangling up with the MoP again.  We were VERY
lucky to get out of that intact, with a blank check for our
future safety.  No strings attached."

     "You know, this puts us right back at square one," Ranma
said.  "It's practically like we never left the house.  I mean,
the crate's even there, right in the middle of the room.  HEY,
POP!  Don't you ever clean up around here?!"

     Genma was too far away to hear, even with Ranma's healthy
lungs.  He gave up the yell fest and turned back to the room he
was in.

     "So what're you going to do now?" Ranma asked.

     "Huh?  What do you mean?"

     "Well, obviously you don't want this engagement," Ranma
reminded her.  "Remember, the ORIGINAL reason for the mess?  We
don't own you, you know.  You can do whatever you'd like to do
with your life."

     "I... haven't decided yet," Akane said.  "But until I do, I
don't have anywhere I can stay.  Do you mind putting up with a
violent tomboy in your house for now?"

     "Only if you don't mind having to hang around a perverted
idiot like me," Ranma said, without humor or spite.  "We're still
not getting married, of course."

     "Of course, Ranma.  That much is obvious."

     Silence hung thick in the air as the players tried to figure
out the next line of the script.

     "RANMA!" Genma yelled from across the house, lungs far
superior to Ranma's.  "You've got a visitor."

     "Huh?" Ranma called back.  "Who?"

     "I hope the visitor isn't wearing combat armor," Akane
joked.

     "That's not funny, Akane."

     "Well, excuuuuse me," Akane said, making a nasty face at
him.

     "Oh, THAT'S pleasant looking," Ranma said.  "Bleargh."

     "You want unpleasant, try a mirror," Akane retorted.

     "You never quit, do you?  What a tomboy."

     "You're the one with no sense of humor, baka!"

     "Baka?  Who's the--"

     "Ahem?"

     Ranma and Akane turned to the dojo door, where the visitor
was standing.  The girl at the door knocked lightly on the
doorframe, since it was improper to enter a room before knocking.

     "Have I come at a bad time?" she asked.

     "Who're you?" Ranma asked.

     "What, you don't remember?" the girl asked.  "I'm Yuriko? 
Remember?  From Kirusawa Junior High?  I was in your third period
math class?  We were dating for four weeks?  You took me to the
senior dance?"

     "Nani?" Akane asked.  "Ranma, you have a GIRLFRIEND?"

     "No!  Whoa, I can explain... actually, no, I can't explain,"
Ranma corrected himself.  "Listen, miss... Yuriko?  I'm afraid I
don't remember any of that--"

     "It's okay, it WAS a long time ago.  Ranma, something's come
up.  Can we talk?"

     "Oh, don't mind me," Akane said forcefully.  "I'm just his
tomboy fiancee.  I'll go somewhere so you two can be together."

     "Akane--"

     Ranma was too late; she had already exited the dojo through
the back door and slammed several doors shut behind her in
progress towards the farthest point in the house from Ranma. 
Ranma gulped.

     "Okay, good, she's gone," Yuriko said, dropping the nervous
voice.  "Come on, you, we'll be safe talking in the garage across
the street."

     "Who are you?" Ranma asked.  "What's your beef, charging in
here and pissing Akane off like that?  I'll never hear the end of
this now!  I'm lucky she forgot about Shampoo in the mess."

     "I needed to cover your ass so we could discuss, and this
seemed like a good idea at the time," Yuriko said.  "Oh well if
it wasn't to your liking.  Come on, you, it's not safe to talk
here."

     "Give me ONE good reason why I should," Ranma said, crossing
his arms defiantly.

     "Experiment-R.  Ring a bell?" Yuriko asked, poking Ranma in
the forehead.  He teetered backwards in surprise, but regained
his balance.

     "You know what it was?" he asked, losing his defensive tone.

     "I know EVERYTHING about it," Yuriko said.  "If you want to
know everything too, follow me."

     Yuriko marched off for the front porch.  Ranma jogged after
her, not wanting to lose the girl.  He waved to Genma on the way
out the door, ignoring the alarmed look his father was giving
him.

                              *

     "We'll be fine in here," Yuriko said, setting up a small gas
lantern in the center of the parking space.  She already had a
number of items here; a VCR, a television, a small hot plate and
a kettle.  Was she making tea or watching soaps or something?  "I
scanned this place for bugs before showing up.  Your house was
clean, but I didn't want to take any chances."

     Ranma nodded, examining Yuriko in the pale light.  He hadn't
gotten a good look at her yet, and the garage wasn't an ideal
get-to-know-you spot.  She seemed kind of thin, unhealthily so,
with large eyes and stringy black hair.  Very gothic looking, but
Ranma was never afraid of vampires.

     "Experiment-R," Ranma said.  "Spill it."

     "There is a price," Yuriko said.

     "What's the fee?"

     "I get to splash you with this," Yuriko said, pulling a
small flask of water out of her coat.

     "What's that, acid?"

     "No, it's water," Yurkio said, uncorking it and taking a
sip.  "Just normal water.  It was in my orders, okay?  You can
taste some if you want, just not too much."

     "I'll pass," Ranma said.  "Now tell me why the Ministries
wanted me."

     "Not all of them did," Yuriko started, corking the container
again.  "At first, just the Ministry of Economics.  Ranma, brace
yourself for this, okay?"

     "Braced."

     "You're not human.  You're a research project into extender
biogen."

     "Ha.  No, really, what should I brace for?"

     "That," Yuriko said.  "Ranma, I wouldn't drag you out here
to lie to you.  You're not human, man, you're a clone."

     "You're not serious!"

     "I am.  You were an experiment.  Nabiki wanted to see if it
was possible to make a clone that didn't need extenders, but
still have it fall in line and be a responsible member of
society," Yuriko said.  "She built a small lab in the basement of
the MoE, and picked an ideal guinea pig; you.  You WERE human,
until she got you, cloned you and put your clone back in your
place."

     "That's nuts.  Why would she do that?" Ranma asked.

     "Clones are very, very expensive.  Half the cost is the
cloning process, and the other half is the delicate surgery
needed to install inhibitors.  Nabiki hoped she could stop using
inhibitors if she could give humans reasons not to break the
law."

     "I could have broken the law any time I wanted!"

     "But you didn't.  Promise to your dad, remember?  Nabiki put
that in you.  A small memory patch, not nearly as costly as a
full tilt personality cover and behavior modification.  Your dad
was informed by the MoE that his son was dead, and they were
sending a clone in his place.  He was given orders to move and
keep you from harm.  It was either that or he'd get no son,
period."

     "Was the MoE telling the truth?"

     "Of course," Yuriko nodded.  "Your clone base was killed
before you were activated.  Lab accident."

     "You KILLED ME?!" Ranma screamed.

     "Whoa!  Calm down, please, not me.  I'm not MoE."

     "What are you, then?  Tell me!"

     "Freelance," Yuriko said.  "I'm just like you, Ranma.  I
want to know the truth behind all things.  The truth is out
there, if you look hard enough for it.  Now do you want me to
continue, or do you want to keep contradicting everything I say?"

     "Continue.  THEN I'll contradict when you're done."

     "Good.  Anyway, it hit the fan when your dad decided to
fulfill a promise to your mom, despite you not really being his
son.  He bought you a fiancee.  The MoE was monitoring your
home -- relax, they've taken the cameras out by now -- to observe
the experiment and see if it was working.  You started arguing
with her and they got worried that Genma had introduced an
agitator into the experiment.  You remember what happened next?"

     "A Ministry of Economics officer showed up to take Akane
away," Ranma nodded.

     "Nabiki wanted her out of there before the experiment was
ruined.  You failed, Ranma.  You punched the guy and ran.  You
broke the law, and broke your honor-bound promise we gave you.  
Nabiki sent out teams to bring you in, hoping she could get you
out before the corruption was complete.  The other three
Ministries noticed and started combing the streets for you and
Akane, curious as to why we wanted one or both of you.  Once
Kodachi finally got you, a quick scan showed that your patch
wasn't strong enough.  You'd never be 100% lawful again.  The
experiment was declared a failure and Nabiki decided to let you
go, since you didn't know enough to prove a threat to her."

     Ranma paused, soaking this in.  Yuriko lit up a cigarette,
flicker briefly illuminating her tired face.

     "That's it?" Ranma asked.

     "Yeah, that's it.  Like sands through the hourglass, so are
the days of your lives and all."

     "You don't have any hard evidence other than that?" Ranma
asked.  "How can you expect me to believe--"

     "Here you go," Yuriko said, passing Ranma some papers and
objects from her coat.  "Official death certificate, Ranma
Saotome, dated two days before your shipment.  Some stolen
reports from Experiment-R on your clone's growth.  Pirated office
memo from Nabiki to the basement... sorry for the blur at the
top, copier's on the fritz.  Finally, if you want it, video tape
of your dad accepting your shipment and explaining to you how you
had hit your head and were in a coma for several days, waking up
just then."

     "I don't have a VCR," Ranma replied, ignoring the papers.

     "I do, right here.  I also have housing permits for TWO
Saotome dojos," Yurkio said, flashing them at Ranma.  "One where
you used to live, and the one you're in now that the MoE built. 
They felt that Nerima would be safer for you.  Less past contacts
from your life to get into the mix and upset the balance."

     "Any of this could have been doctored," Ranma said.

     "Ranma, that's the whole story," Yuriko said.  "Whether you
believe it or not, according to my investigations, that's the
truth.  Go on believing what you want.  Now, you have to pay the
price for this information."

     "Oh yeah, water," Ranma nodded.  "Go ahead.  Can't be any
weirder than any of this other junk you've laid on me."

     Yuriko uncorked the vial and splashed Ranma with the water.

     "Now if you want the cure for that, you'll have to pay
ANOTHER small fee," Yuriko said, tossing the empty vial away.  It
shattered on the garage floor.

     "Cure for what?" Ranma asked, surprised at the sound of her
own voice.

     "Cure for the Jusenkyo mutating agent I just doused you
with," Yuriko smiled.  "Congratulations, it's a girl!"

     Ranma blinked, and looked down.

     "GYAAAAAH!" she yelled, seeing mammaries where there weren't
any before.  She tried to pull them off, unsuccessfully-- they
were the real thing.  A quick peek into her pants proved the
rest.

     "Nice hair," Yuriko said, pointing to Ranma's new do.  It
was the same as before, actually; but a cheery fire engine red. 
"Hair color tends to be random when Jusenkyo mutation agent takes
effect.  One of the problems with the formula, you see."

     "What did you DO?!" Ranma asked, poking at herself a few
times.

     "Nothing permanent, Ranma, relax.  Here's what's going to
happen.  You want the truth, I want the truth.  I need someone
who's strong enough, clever enough and lucky enough to find it
out for me.  You're it.  You will do what I say and go where I
tell you in your new 'disguise'.  In return, once you're done
with the few jobs I have for you, I'll give you the reversing
agent for your new mutation, and you'll know all there is to know
about the black ops of the Ministry of Peace.  Got it?"

     "Why, you little--" Ranma growled, charging at the girl.

     "You don't hit girls, remember?" Yuriko said, smiling. 
"Don't think I didn't research you, Ranma.  I know you better
than you know yourself."

     "If you weren't a girl, I'd rip your head off," Ranma said.

     "I'm sorry you feel that way.  You've got the chance of a
lifetime here, Ranma.  You're going to singlehandedly uncover all
there is to hide in this town.  Together, we're going to take
down the Ministry of Peace and put this city in working order."

     "What if I walk away now and ignore your stupid idea?" Ranma
asked.

     "Go ahead.  Have fun trying to get your father to recognize
you," Yuriko said in a not entirely friendly way.

     "I thought you said you weren't going to give me the cure
until I was done whatever it is you want!"

     "There are cures and there are cures," Yuriko said.  "Here's
the key, Ranma.  Your curse is permanent until I get you the male
mutagen.  You can toggle between your male and female mutations
with a good dousing of water; cold for female, hot for male. 
Simple, easy to understand.  A powerful, POWERFUL tool when used
for your own benefit.  Also a very embarrassing, if not dangerous
one.  If you walk on me, you'll never have a shot at permanent
reversal of the curse."

     "Why did you do this?" Ranma asked.  "Why not just tell me
what you wanted?  I can run errands, or whatever.  You didn't
have to change my GENDER!"

     "We needed to be assured you'd cooperate," Yuriko said.

     "AHA!  We.  You said we.  Who else is involved here?"

     "Uhherr?" Yuriko sounded, taken aback.  "We?  What we?"

     Ranma recognized an opening when she saw it and dove for it. 
"We.  Yuriko, who else is involved?  Who else wants to know the
truth about the Ministry of Peace?  Is someone else directing
you?"

     "Okay, there's a we," Yuriko admitted.  "But I can't tell
you who that we is, even if I wanted to.  It's just not going to
happen, Saotome."

     "Ministry of Economics.  It HAS to be.  How else could you
get all that proof?  Who else would know so much about me?  Did
Nabiki put you up to this?"

     "You'll never know," Yuriko said.  "If you get caught, my
employer doesn't want you to have anything more than speculation. 
Ranma, if you physically obtain proof as to who I am, we're going
to have to eliminate you.  You'd be too dangerous.  Got that?"

     "Got it," Ranma said, clenching her teeth.  "Alright, what
do you want me to do?  Let's get this over with."

     "Nothing for now," Yuriko said, turning away from Ranma. 
She reached over for the kettle and walked up to Ranma, who
backed off.  "Hold still, Ranma.  Hot water, remember?  You want
to go home like this?"

     Ranma held still.  Yuriko slowly poured the water on her,
and Ranma's body shivered from the heat.  He felt himself in
several key locations, and sure enough, was a he.

     "Temporary," Yuriko reminded him, setting the kettle down. 
"I'll contact you later for your first assignment.  You'll
recognize me if I show up as 'your good childhood friend Yuriko'
or if I refer to you by your code name on the phone."

     "Code name?"

     "Ranko," Yuriko said.  "Anybody who calls you Ranko is on
our side."

     "Whoever said I was on your side?"

     "Ranma, I don't like this anymore than you do," Yuriko said. 
"I've got no choice here.  You're our only hope, and as much as I
hate seeing that blasted mutagen used, we need a way to keep you
from running off on us.  It won't be long, then you can go back
to your life.  When we're in public, you should refer to me as
Yuriko, but my code name is Deep Thought.  If anybody mentions me
by name, trust them.  Got all that?"

     "Got it, yeah," Ranma said.  "You know, I think having run
off with an old girlfriend would have been preferable to this. 
Akane'll never believe me."

     "That's good.  For her safety, you shouldn't tell her,"
Yuriko said.  "I don't want Akane getting hurt.  Got it?  Keep
her out of this.  Don't take her on missions, don't tell her
where you're going, and for god's sakes quit picking on her! 
You're such a little toad, Saotome.  No respect at all."

     "Is that all, or did you want to insult me some more?" Ranma
asked.  "Maybe turn me into a frog too?"

     "Get out of here," Yuriko said.  "I'll contact you soon."

                         End of File
                         Ministry of Data record GH.3704.7734.6
                         Private use only


                 Ranma 1/2 : Ministry of Confusion
                              Part 7

           A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne

     (Most characters copyright Rumiko Takahashi, obviously.  If
     I ever even considered claiming that these were my own
     characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where
     I'd be forced to eat my own lungs to live.)

     (Author's Note : I've been tacking all sorts of neat things
     onto the MoC webpage, including character-based plot
     synopses.  Be sure to check it out, but beware spoilers. 
     Hopefully more audio/video junk will be added in soon.)

     URL : http://www.wam.umd.edu/~twoflowr/ministry.htm

     (Finally, KUDOS to Mike Finn for the excellent Ranma.c)

-=-

     Daily life continued uninterrupted for several days at the
Saotome Dojo.  The hours clicked by, the hazy light of day
swapping itself with the dim light of night just as it should.

     Genma, for one, was happy life was back to normal.  All was
right in the world; he had his son back, at least someone he
considered to be his son, his son finally had a fiancee and no
large men with guns were breaking his door down on a regular
basis.  Life was peaceful, life was good.

     CRASH!

     Well, good anyway.

     "BAKA!  Watch where you're going!"

     "What're you doing breaking cinder blocks in the dojo, you
tomboy?  I almost broke my leg on this junk!  Look at the
shrapnel!" Ranma yelled back.  Genma winced at the volume, trying
to block the sound of the two lovebirds arguing out of his head.

     "I'm training.  What does it LOOK like I'm doing?"

     "Don't you at least clean up after yourself?  It looks like
someone's been strip mining in here!"

     "You're one to talk.  Have you seen your room?  Paper
clippings scattered all over it.  What're you making, pinatas?"

     "At least what I'm doing is constructive."

     "Oh yeah?  What ARE you doing?"

     "I... not much," Ranma said.  "Look, please, Akane.  Just
make sure you clear up the rubble when you're done.  It's not
safe in here wading ankle deep in gravel."

     "You sound like one of Kasumi's commercials," Akane laughed.

     Genma relaxed.  He recognized the program, set in after days
of the two being kept in close quarters :

#include <stdio.h>                                                
#include <stdlib.h>
 
extern int   causeofinitialdisturbance(extender person);
extern int forcedinteraction(extender person1, extender person2);
extern int   calm   (extender person);
extern void  docalm (extender wife);
extern void  Argue  (void);
extern void  Insult (void);
extern int   freezeover (Location place);
 
int mealtime;
Location HELL;
 
static
void fianceefight (extender wife, extender husband)
{
        if (causeofinitialdisturbance(wife)) {
                while (!calm(husband)) {
                        Argue();
                        Insult();
                }
                docalm(wife);
        }
        if (causeofinitialdisturbance(husband)) {
                while (!calm(wife)) {
                        Argue();
                        Insult();
                }
                docalm(husband);
        }
}
 
int
main (int argc, char **argv)
{
        extender Akane;
        extender Ranma;
 
        while (!freezeover(HELL)) {
                fianceefight(Akane, Ranma);
                if (mealtime || forcedinteraction(Akane, Ranma))
                        sleep (rand()*MINUTES);
                else
                        sleep (rand()*HOURS);
        }
}

-- Error 201 : Genma doesn't know C.  (Core dumped)

     Yup yup yup, they were getting along just fine, Genma
thought, thinking along similar but less structured lines.  As
long as Akane doesn't beat Ranma to death during a particularly
unpleasant exchange, all will work out in the end.

                                   *

     Ranma rearranged the newspaper clippings, trying to find a
pattern.  Nothing was 'jumping off the page' at him, but that
didn't mean there wasn't a pattern somewhere below the surface.

     Part of the problem was that he only had the Tokyo Times to
butcher in order to locate his information.  The TT was Ministry
of Data controlled, and was rather tight with what they would and
would not say.  Most of the articles he clipped out and arranged
on the wall were useless; the few good ones he kept over by his
bed, unpegged so he could juggle them around.

     TWO UNKNOWN GROUPS ENGAGE IN SHOOTOUT AT MINISTRY OF DATA. 
Dated and timestamped a few hours before Akane showed up.  It
didn't say who was involved or why, but it did mention that the
resulting destruction didn't hamper Ministry of Data output in
the least (see also : all hell broke loose and the MoD scrambled
to fix the situation).  If Akane was real, this could be how she
ended up in a shipping crate... although what would she be doing
there in the first place?

     MINISTRY OFFICIALS SCOUR CITY FOR FUGITIVES FROM JUSTICE,
complete with some really horribly drawn pictures of Ranma and
Akane.  Why they'd bother including a picture of Akane was
strange; she looked like any other Akane on the street.  Again,
nothing is mentioned beyond the most obvious facts.

     DISASTER AVERTED!  TRUTH AND TRUST PREVAIL.  This was the
big one, the one he didn't buy at all.  According to it, the
government troops mentioned in the previous article were a result
of a big misunderstanding, and now that it has been cleared up a
new policy of anti-secrecy was established and the Ministries
would fight against each other no longer.

     Deep Thought said specifically that Kodachi had a few toys
in hiding, ones that Ranma would be ordered to look for very
soon.  He didn't like the ludicrous situation Deep Thought had
put him in, but he did admit one thing : it would be the best way
to fill the gaps in his mini-library.  He just wished he was
doing it on his own terms, without this silly secrecy and
mutation curse.

     Among the clippings he also had a copy of Akane's purchase
order (which didn't match her personality or even size one iota),
whatever he could find about the original Ryouga Hibiki, his
precious history text and a number of recipes he hadn't fobbed
off on Gosunkugi yet.  A small copy of the Laws of the
Joketsuzoku Tribe (japanese ed.) lurked in the corner, in case
that crazy chick Shampoo showed up at his front door and he
needed to find a way out of THAT situation.

     Still, none of this junk helped him figure out who Yuriko /
Deep Thought was or why they wanted to investigate Kodachi.  He
assumed Ministry of Economics at first, but didn't have much to
go on for that.  Nothing he could found would prove it.  Or
should he even BE trying to prove it?  Would Yuriko really kill
him in that case, or was that a bluff?

     Ranma had tried to push the door on his curiosity closed,
but this situation was far beyond curiosity.  It was a NEED for
answers.  He was constantly asking himself questions he couldn't
answer, knowing that he might never know the full picture of what
was going on in Tokyo.  Why did he bother?  Why was he trying to
discover all that was hidden, why was he trying to question the
unquestionable?

     Clearly, he was obsessed.  Obsessed with the finding out the
truth behind the government.  He could drop that like a hot
potato if he wanted to; accept everything they did as strange and
just move on with his life.  He could make daddy dearest happy by
marrying Akane and live out his days happy and peaceful and
ignorant.

     Yuriko had forced his hand, and made him an agent of truth. 
Before he just had an interest; now his gender depended on it. 
No, the time for letting it drop was over.  He was stuck on the
path towards... whatever it was going to be.  There would be no
turning back.

     Besides, it helped him get his mind off of his other
problem.  Ranma had been good at dodging cold water over the last
few days, but he didn't know how long that would last--

     "RANMA!" Akane called from the dojo.  "Your Yuriko-chan is
here again!"

     Ranma looked up from his news reports.  If Yuriko saw this
newspaper scrap pile... he quickly dashed out of his room and
slid the door shut behind him, just as Yuriko entered the hall,
followed by an annoyed Akane.

     "Something wrong?" Yuriko asked, cocking her head
quizzically.

     "No," Ranma said, blocking his door.  "I've been working
out.  Hi, ...Yuriko."

     "So, where're you two lovebirds off to now?" Akane asked,
folding her arms.

     "We're NOT lovebirds, Akane," Ranma said.

     "Ranma promised to take me out on a date!" Yuriko beamed,
sliding over to Ranma's side and glomping onto him.  Ranma's eyes
snapped open in surprise.  "Dinner and a movie!"

     "Thought so," Akane said, in a flat tone.  "Whatever. 
Ranma, you go have fun with your little friend.  I'll just be
strip mining in the dojo."

     "But--" Ranma started, but as usual, Akane had no intentions
of sticking around to hear him explain.  Yuriko waited until
Akane was out of earshot, and unglomped.

     "You've got a small mission," Yuriko said.  "Minor lead,
something easy to start out with.  It could be enough to prove
Kodachi's working under the table, though."

     "Do you mind not hanging all over me in my own house?" Ranma
asked.  "I've had enough trouble dealing with that uncute maniac,
I don't need any MORE cause for argument."

     "Sahib wants a cover story, sahib gets one.  Quit
complaining.  Would you rather we tell her we're plotting against
the Ministry of Peace?"

     "Actually, yes," Ranma said.  "I don't think she'd mind. 
Maybe you could even get some real female help so I can be
cured."

     "That's not part of the plan, Saotome.  Trust no one.  Come
on, off to the garage, you need a briefing."

                              *

     "We'll have to pick a new meeting place next time, but for
now, this'll do," Yuriko said, gesturing to the familiar parking
space.  "Alright.  To business."

     "It's not just a job, it's an adventure," Ranma joked.

     "Over the next few days I'll have you investigating a number
of leads," Yuriko said.  "We think that some of Kodachi's failed
projects have come out in public in the form of human byproducts. 
Here's one of them," Yuriko said, passing Ranma a color copy of a
Ministry of Data file.

     Ranma opened it up, paging through the endless series of
words and letters, looking for a picture.

     "Hinako Ninomiya.  Typically referred to as Miss Hinako,
teacher and disciplinarian at Furinkan High.  That was your old
school, before you got transplanted."

     "Cute little girl," Ranma said, tapping the photo.  Miss
Hinako couldn't be more than twelve; her eyes were nice and
large, like a little girl who had just spotted a lollipop for
sale.  Either that or someone had taken a photo of a really
lifelike UFO Catcher doll.  "So what is she, some Ministry of
Peace superweapon of death?"

     "Exactly," Yuriko nodded.

     "I was kidding, Yuriko."

     "It's Deep Thought, Saotome.  Yuriko is my cover, not my
real name," Yuriko said.

     "You want me to do what you want, I get to call you whatever
I want," Ranma said.  "Yuriko's easier to remember.  Plus, I
somehow doubt your real name is Deep Thought either.  Unless
you'd care to tell me what your name really is?"

     "Yeah, right," Yuriko snorted, very unladylike.  "Here's the
deal.  Miss Hinako used to work at the Ministry of Peace as a
combat theory instructor.  When she hit age twenty four, however,
she changed."

     "She's twenty four?" Ranma asked, doublechecking the image.

     "That's right.  She's legally an adult, but looks like she's
twelve.  We think the Ministry of Peace found a way to reverse
the aging process, and used her as a test subject.  For one
reason or another, she was released into Tokyo after
modifications."

     "Why would they do that?" Ranma asked.

     "No idea," Yuriko said, shaking her head.  "Here's the deal. 
You'll pose as a transfer student to Furinkan, under your Ranko
disguise.  Instead of going to school normally, go there.   
You'll be enrolled most of the day in Hinako-sensei's classes;
find out why the MoP let her go, and what they did to her."

     "I thought you already knew that they de-aged her."

     "This photo was taken shortly after the one you have,"
Yuriko said, passing Ranma another cheap copy.  Ranma examined
it, and saw more... woman than there was in the previous picture.

     "Somehow, she's toggling between the two states," Yuriko
said.  "All I can confirm is that it's not related to the
Jusenkyo mutagen we used on you.  Now, Ministry of Peace had her
classified as a bio-weapon before she left.  As far as we know,
there's nothing threatening about her, at least nothing obviously
strange other than this age switch.  You have two acceptable
outcomes for this mission.  Befriend her and get her to me for a
quick medical examination, or disable whatever weapon she has and
call me for an extraction."

     "How is any of this going to help you?" Ranma asked.

     "Simple.  If we can get her, we can probably get genetic
evidence of unapproved MoP work.  It'll be scandal city when it
hits the airwaves, since according to Truth and Trust, Kodachi
has already disclosed all of her plans.  We need direct
examination for this to work, of course."

     "Alright.  So, from the top," Ranma summarized.  "I go to
this school.  I try to befriend her and figure out how she left
MoP.  If I can get her to cooperate, have her contact you,
otherwise disable the switch and have you take her physically. 
Either way, you get your data and I get to become a full man
again.  Right?"

     "Only if you're successful," Yuriko warned.  "Use tact,
Ranma.  Hint -- it's not what you dish out to Akane on a daily
basis.  Try to get Miss Hinako on our side without actually
saying what our side is."

     "Gee, is that all," Ranma scowled.

     "Failing that, render her 'bio-weapon' null and we'll have
to do this by brute force.  If we try now without any attempt to
disable her and we get caught it would be Bad.  So once we get
this evidence, you're off the hook."

     "What if she doesn't like me AND I can't disable it?  I'm no
expert in genetics, you know.  Bio-weapons don't have big red off
switches."

     "Then we follow another lead," Yuriko said, snatching the
photos back and stuffing them into her coat.  "This is a minor
one, like I mentioned.  It's not a life or death deal, we're
simply testing you out, as well as the MoP's reaction to you. 
Hopefully we can stop here and not need to follow the riskier
leads.  Here's a map to Nerima; use it to find Furinkan High and
go there tomorrow.  You ready?"

     "I'm ready," Ranma said, snatching up the map.

     "And DON'T forget your cold water," Yuriko warned.  "We
don't want Ranma suddenly showing HIS face in Furinkan.  Someone
might recognize you."

     "I've never been there."

     "Yes you have," Yuriko said.  "You just don't remember
because the Ministry of Economics didn't want you to when they
cloned you off.  It's a dead man's homecoming day for you,
Saotome.  Try not to get all nostalgic about it, okay?"

                                   *

     Akane and Ranma ate breakfast silently.

     Akane was very surprised about this.  After all, Ranma had
managed to start the morning argument without fail every day; why
wasn't there a peep out of him this morning?  Was something
wrong?

     "You know, you could have been quieter in the bathroom this
morning," Akane said, testing the waters.  "The plumbing in this
house is loud enough as is, without you taking a bunch of hot
baths.  What were you DOING in there, sterilizing yourself?"

     "Nothing," Ranma said, and kept munching away at his toast.

     Akane tried another strategy.  "No, really, what were you
doing?  I'm interested."

     "Just washing up," Ranma said, setting his half eaten toast
down.  "I'd better get going to school."

     "Relax, Ranma, we've got another ten minutes before we have
to leave."

     Ranma ignored her, grabbing his overloaded backpack and
making his way towards the front door.  Akane grunted after him,
not liking being ignored.  She finished up her current bite,
grabbed her books and ran after him.

     "Yo!  Earth to Ranma," Akane said.  "What's wrong?"

     "Ah, nothing," Ranma said, shrugging under the weight of his
pack.  "Look, Akane, you go ahead.  I've got some things to do
today, I'll meet up with you later."

     "What, we're not going to walk to school together today?"
Akane asked.

     "I wouldn't want to be seen with a tomboy like you, anyway,"
Ranma said, without his usual enthusiasm for such an insult.  He
turned a sharp left and headed off, in some unknown direction.

     Akane fumed.  What was WITH him?  He wasn't being mean, but
he was being... mean.  Yelling at her was one thing, but simply
walking away without so much as a raised voice was another. 
Humph.  The baka.  Well, if he didn't want her around, that was
just FINE!

     Akane kicked a nearby rock into the stratosphere and marched
her way to school, alone for the first time on her morning walk.

     Once Akane was out of sight, Ranma unzipped his backpack,
pulling one of the massive thermoses out.  He doublechecked the
poorly-scrawled word COLD on the cap and doused himself with it.

     The feeling was there, but hard to detect.  One would think
that total sex change and a slight shrinkage in height would hurt
to high heaven, but Ranma wouldn't even have noticed it if she
wasn't waiting for the shift.  It wasn't very comforting to know
that such a radical change didn't mean much to her senses.  The
sooner she could get that cure, the better, in her opinion... she
capped the thermos and pulled out a towel to dry off with, then
set off for Furinkan.

                              *

     All schools in Tokyo look exactly alike.

     This is a well known phenomenon, but Ranma had just figured
it out as she approached the wrought iron gates of Furinkan High. 
Yuriko / Deep Thought said Ranma used to go here, before this
nonsense about being a clone; Ranma did find the school familiar,
but only because it matched every other school she had ever seen.

     It was rectangular in shape, with a central section that was
raised out, away and above the normal building chunk.  A nice
clock was embedded in the top of the overhanging school-bit,
currently telling the incorrect time.  The students wore
uniforms, which was normal, the same uniforms every student in
Tokyo wore.  Ranma never bothered with uniforms; anybody who had
a problem with this could try to take her... his... Ranma's
casual outfit from hir and fail painfully.

     Ranma shrugged.  If this was supposed to be evoking
memories, it wasn't working.  It evoked a sense of boredom, which
school always did; they never taught any INTERESTING stuff.

     She walked right through the gate with little difficulty. 
Class had already started, and Ranma was late; this couldn't be
helped, though.  Nerima was quite a hike from the dojo, and if
she left early enough to make it on time, Akane would be
suspicious.  The hall monitor didn't give her any grief, however;
quite to the contrary.

     "Greetings, Ranko," the monitor said, nodding to Ranma.  "DT
says you left this behind back at the house."

     The monitor palmed a small slip of paper to Ranma.  She
unfolded it, and a student ID tumbled out.  The wrapping was her
schedule.

     "You're late, you know," the monitor said joylessly.

     "I had to cover my tracks," Ranma replied, pocketing the ID.

     "Miss Hinako may not approve.  You know the plan.  Kiss up
or we could be in trouble."

     "Yeah, whatever," Ranma dismissed, memorizing the schedule
and marching off to her first class.

                              *

     Miss Hinako was very surprised to see Ranma walking in ten
minutes late.  She paused in her lesson to look unhappy at the
tardy student.

     She looked exactly like the photo; deadly kawaii, short and
adorable, in a simple yellow dress that reached to her knees
which could quite possibly BE a plastic tube.  She had to reach
up above her head to write on the board.  How did this l'il girl
end up getting a tenure, anyway?

     The class looked far worse, however.  Two thirds of them at
least were stick thin, looking malnourished; skin hung in bags
under their eyes, and the eyes themselves had a pleading,
desperate look about them.  It was kind of like walking into
Classroom of the Living Dead.  Was some kind of flu bug going
around this school?

     "You're the new transfer student, right?" Miss Hinako asked,
sneaking a quick peek at her attendance sheets.  "Ranko Ayukawa?"

     "That's me," Ranma nodded.

     "You're late," Miss Hinako said, pointing an accusatory bit
of chalk at the girl.  Ranma half expected to find out why Hinako
Ninomiya was a bio-weapon first hand with some kind of chalk-
death-ray, but the superdeformed teacher lowered the chalk just
as quickly as it had been raised.  "It's not a good idea for
kiddies to be late to their first day of school!  First
impressions are VERY important, and you don't want to look like a
delinquent, do you?"

     Most of the kids in the classroom shuffled around
uncomfortably in the one-piece plastic desks as the teacher
chewed Ranma out.  Ranma didn't particularly mind, however.

     "Bucket?  Hall?" Ranma suggested.

     "No, I'll allow you one strike," Miss Hinako said.  "Take
your seat, miss.  History is WAY WAY WAY too important to have
you lose out because of tardiness.  At least not first time
tardiness."

     Ranma nodded, and took the nearest empty seat.  Let's see,
would this be revisionist history or the real thing?

     "Who can tell me who the first three models of extenders
were?" Miss Hinako asked.

     Revisionist.  Ranma slumped in her chair and waited it out.

     "Uhh... Nabiki, Kasumi and Akane Tendo," a female voice near
the back recited.

     "Very good!  As you know, due to the population loss after
the earthquake, the extender project was founded to find ways to
supplement the work force until it could naturally replenish
itself.  Our leaders allowed themselves to be the first clone
bases as an act of faith in the project.  The plan worked very
well, up to the point where extenders were graciously accepted
into society as full humans, with all the rights and liberties
guaranteed to the master race.  There was one potential problem
with the three models, however.  Gichi-kun!  Do you know what it
was?"

     "Me?" a nearby student choked.  "Uhh... six?"

     Miss Hinako frowned cutely.  "Gichi-kun, honestly!  Were you
failing to pay attention in class again?"

     "No!  Honest!  I was wide awake and alert!" Gichi protested,
breaking out into a visible sweat.

     "What's that you and Wakai-kun are passing back and forth? 
Notes?" Miss Hinako asked, sliding over to Gichi's seat and
snapping the paper triangle from his hands in one swift motion. 
"Hmm.  'Gang fight at four.'  Thank you for the information,
Gichi-kun.  See me after class, 'kay?" Miss Hinako demanded
politely.  Gichi stared at the teacher, unbelieving, and Miss
Hinako continued the lesson.

     "The problem was this," the teacher continued.  "Since the
first three clone bases were the leaders of government, how could
we be guaranteed that a clone wouldn't be accidentally slipped
into the office?" Miss Hinako asked.  "This was solved easily,
via the concept of trademarks.  Trademarks, as you know, are
small genetic prints on all extenders marking them as clones, and
not the original.  They are stamped on the extender after
production and last for the extender's life.  If there was a
question as to the real identity of, say, Chairwoman Nabiki, a
simple check for trademarks would cure it."

     "Couldn't they just make an extender without a trademark?"
Ranma asked, curious.

     "Ministry of Data Biogen equipment is incapable of that,"
Miss Hinako said.  "Most of the growth process is robot
controlled.  Any fully grown extenders that are accidentally not
trademarked by the robots are corrected before shipment.  The
system is perfectly fail safe."

     "Uh-huh," Ranma agreed, not convinced.

     "I see that you understand!" Miss Hinako beamed.  "Good
girl!"

     Good BOY, Ranma thought.

                                   *

     Ranma busily scratched out doodles on her notebook, waiting
for the class to be over with.  This wasn't really history, it
was more of an advertising pitch; curriculum laid out to say
nothing negative about the Ministries.  Certainly there were
negative things to say about them.  Ranma was living proof of
that, according to Yuriko.

     Of course, Ranma didn't really believe she was an extender. 
It was ridiculous; kidnapped, cloned, killed off and reinserted
in some other town?  It sounded like a bad soap opera.  Ranma
didn't have any proof of her own humanity, which she knew was the
only way to be sure, but... somehow, it just seemed WRONG. 
There's no physically way it could be right, right?

     One fact of the story that bugged her was how Genma had
known about her 'true' status and didn't say anything.  Ranma
knew her father to be something a coward when faced with REAL
danger, but this was a little too important to shut up again, ne? 
Genma had apparently accepted this 'extender' as his son.  No
father would do that to a clone, right?  She had to be human. 
She just HAD to be.

     Whatever, WHATEVER.  Concentrate, Ranma-san.  She had a
mission to do here; suck up to the teech and get her in contact
with Yuriko.  (Lord knows Yuriko couldn't just ring the yellow
suited moppet up herself and ASK...)

     "Ranko Ayukawa!" a voice scraped across Ranma's spine.  She
jittered her pen to a halt and looked up.

     "Er, hai, sensei?" Ranma said.

     "The answer?" Miss Hinako asked, tapping her tiny foot.

     "Six?" Ranma guessed lamely.

     "Very good!" Miss Hinako grinned.  "In fact, there WERE
originally six ministries proposed; Data, Peace, Economics,
Sanitation, Communications and Law.  The last two were dropped,
distributing the communications to Data and the law enforcement
to Peace.  Sanitation recently obtained the right to carry out
the law, which is good, because the Ministry of Peace is busy
enough on the Russian war front."

     "They're not technically Russians," Ranma piped in with.

     "You didn't raise your hand, Ranko-chan."

     "Gomen," Ranma apologized, and turned back to her doodles.

     "What's that you're writing?" Miss Hinako asked, a tone of
happy suspicion creeping into her voice.

     "Huh?" Ranma asked, covering the cartoons.  "Oh, nothing."

     Miss Hinako bounced over like a rubber ball to Ranma's desk,
and peeked under her arm.  "Doodles?  This is not art class,
Ranko-chan!  Naughty naughty.  See me after class."

     "Okay," Ranma shrugged.

     All thirty students inhaled sharply.  Ranma turned to look
at them, as if to say 'What?', and thirty heads quickly looked
away.

     The school bell rang, an identical ring to school bells all
over Tokyo.  The students got up and quickly filed out of the
classroom, eager to leave.

     "Gichi, Ranko, I need to talk with you two," Miss Hinako
said, interrupting the two on their way out the door.  "Gichi,
you first."

     "Miss Hinako, please, have pity!" Gichi begged.  "I'm not a
delinquent!  I haven't done anything wrong!  Talk to Ranko first,
SHE was doodling in class!  She's a delinquent!  Talk to RANKO!"

     "Honestly, Gichi, pull yourself together!" Miss Hinako
asked.  "I just need to discuss a matter that alarms me, not
execute you.  Honestly!  You need to learn to control your
emotions."

     "Y... you mean it?" Gichi asked.  "No... FWOOSH ZAP Argh?"

     "Ranko, please, wait in the hall," Miss Hinako asked.  Ranma
nodded, and stepped outside, leaving the door open a crack so she
could hear what was going on inside.

     The hallway was empty now; the students that had fled
earlier were already in class.  Those one minute class breaks
were quite a strain on the feet, but did enhance classroom
efficiency with more minutes to work.  Ranma leaned against a
wall and waited, trying to make out what the two kids inside were
saying.

     Gichi was very begging and pathetic in tone, but Ranma
couldn't understand a word the guy was blubbering.  Miss Hinako
was sharper, more direct than she was in class; something about a
tendency to fall asleep in class... delinquency...

     "Called after class, huh?" a voice said, next to his elbow.

     "Huh?" Ranma asked, turning around, face to face with one of
the students from the class.  "Oh, yeah.  I was doodling."

     "You've gotten one strike already, right?" the girl asked,
hiking her backpack up a little tighter in her arms.  "I saw you
walk into class late."

     "Yup."

     "That's bad.  Take my advice; see Doctor Larry Tofu at the
school health room once you're done," the girl suggested.  "He
has treatments that'll bring you back to normal in no time.  He's
had to specialize in cleaning up after Hinako-sensei... Miss
Hinako means well, really, she's just a little... dangerous."

     "What, she's going to beat me up?" Ranma asked, not out of
fear.

     "What?  Heavens, no!  She doesn't hit people.  It's the
other thing that's worse.  You know, fwoosh, zap, argh?  All the
teachers are scared of her, but you know how eccentric the
principal is, and his little fancies about the staff..."

     "Not really, actually," Ranma said.  "I just transferred in
today, remember?  Ranko Ayukawa."

     "Pleased to meet you," the girl smiled, bowing slightly.  "I
hope you do okay.  I've got to get to class, I'm late already."

     "You made yourself late to talk to me?  Why?"

     "I'd hate to let a new girl bump into Miss Hinako
uninformed," the girl said.  "'sides, you seem to be a nice
enough girl.  Kind of like someone I knew.  For now, I gotta
run -- remember, go see Tofu!"

     "Whoa!  Who are you?"

     "Can't talk!  Bye!" the girl said, waving.  She jogged
briskly down the hall, leaving a confused Ranma behind.  Who was
that?  And what on earth was that huge metal slab she had
strapped to her back, some kind of spine supporter?

     The door slammed shut, an inrush of air pulling the wooden
monolith against the frame.  Ranma jumped back as the smoked
glass window flooded with a horrible yellow light, casting her
own pigtailed shadow against the far wall.  Eventually the light
faded.

     A horrible zombie/skeleton barged out of the door,
collapsing at Ranma's feet.  Ranma jumped onto the nearby water
fountain in shock, as the thing struggled to get up to its feet;
clearly it was having trouble, as if all the strength and
vitality had been tapped from the horribly wretched creature...

     "Your turn," the zombie Gichi sputtered, wobbling around on
its feet.  The thing lurched carefully down the hallway,
stumbling into a locker every few feet.

     Ranma stared, wild eyed.  So THAT'S why the class looked so
unhealthy.  What was Miss Hinako doing to them?  Was this why she
was filed as a bio-weapon?

     "Ranko Ayukawa?" Miss Hinako asked, in surprisingly deep
tones.

     Ranma looked up.  And up.

     Now, the teacher resembled the second picture Yuriko had
shown her; a tall, slender, curvaceous figure of a woman in her
mid twenties.  Ranma almost didn't recognize her, but it was
impossible to miss the yellow tube dress (which now was
considerably more, well, stretched.)

     "Hi... Hinako-sensei?" Ranma asked, not sure.

     "Inside, please," Miss Hinako stated in a voice so husky it
could have pulled a sled over the icy tundra.  Ranma nodded
quickly, and cautiously stepped into the classroom after the
teacher.

                         End of File
                         Ministry of Data record GH.3704.7734.7
                         Private use only


                 Ranma 1/2 : Ministry of Confusion
                              Part 8

           A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne

     (Most characters copyright Rumiko Takahashi, obviously.  If
     I ever even considered claiming that these were my own
     characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where
     I'd be forced to eat my own lungs to live.)

-=-

     "Have a seat, Ranko," Miss Hinako said without emotion,
pointing to a nearby plastic chunk of educational seating.  Ranma
nodded and squeezed herself into the chair.

     "I apologize for doodling in class," Ranma said.

     "Ranko, not only were you late, but your attention was
shifted elsewhere.  You have not started your career here at
Furinkan out well," she said, plopping her more, umm, adjective
rear on the teacher's chair.  "I run a tight ship in my history
class.  History is an important subject, you know."

     "I know, I know," Ranma nodded.

     "I do NOT approve of delinquents who would detract from
their own learning and the learning of others.  Anything that
interferes in the educational process must be removed, or
rendered unable to interfere.  Gichi, for instance, has a habit
of passing notes in class, which distracts the mind.  Hopefully
now he'll stop doing that."

     "What did you DO to him, anyway?"

     "A tool of the trade," Miss Hinako said.  "I have a method
of dealing with delinquents, which the principal of this school
approves of.  It's a simple combination of a calming effect and
aggression remover; it is very good for breaking up fights, which
I am called upon to do quite frequently and will probably have to
do this afternoon... now, you've shown no fighting spirit, so all
I need to do is have a chat with you about your cartoons.  Keep
in mind that I may have to take added measures if you prove to be
a threat to your own education."

     "Err, yeah," Ranma agreed.  A threat to her own education? 
Sheesh, she thought, squirming in the desk, what is WITH this
teacher?  The last time Ranma saw someone this obsessed with
something was... was probably Kodachi, actually.

     "You may go," Miss Hinako said.

     Ranma paused.  Maybe it wasn't the best moment to try and
get on her good side, but the sooner the better... she had a cure
to find.

     "Miss Hinako, if you don't mind me asking, how'd you get
that 'tool of the trade'?" Ranma asked.  "And what exactly is
it?"

     "I do mind you asking.  You may go," Miss Hinako said,
turning to her daily attendance reports.

     "Please, Miss Hinako, it's a simple question," Ranma said. 
"Don't worry, I'm your trusted student.  You can tell me."

     "Trusted?  You're tardy and ill-attentioned.  Borderline
delinquency."

     "It was the Ministry of Peace, right?  They're the ones that
gave you the fwoosh zap argh."

     Ranma had said the wrong thing.

     Miss Hinako's head snapped up as if she had been hit to the
jaw with an uppercut.  "What do you know about that?"

     "Err, nothing," Ranma said, trying to cover her tracks.  "I
was just guessing... I mean, we all know they probably do some,
you know, experiments, which probably wouldn't look good if--"

     "I knew it," Miss Hinako said, slamming the attendance
folder shut.  "They sent you, didn't they?  Delinquents, all of
them!  Go tell those brats I'm not going back, you hear?  They
can send any number of people to try and bring me back, but they
can't make me go back!"

     "Whoa!  Ma'am, I'm not from the MoP!  Really!" Ranma
pleaded, squeezing her way out of the desk.

     "That's just what the rest of them said," Miss Hinako
replied, eyes narrowing.  She reached for her purse, and pulled a
tiny five yen coin out of it.  She slipped it between two fingers
and aimed the hole right between Ranma's eyes.  "And this is what
I did to them, too!  HAPPO FIVE YEN SAT-SU!"

     Ranma peered at the coin oddly, wondering if she was
supposed to be scared of pocket change.  Now, oddly glowing
pocket change was another matter, which this was; yellow glow
expanding outward until it wrapped itself around Ranma, winds
fwooshing by her head, like the winds of an atmospheric whirlpool
sucking her in...

     The not-always-a-girl staggered, as if gravity had doubled
in strength.  Miss Hinako was fwoosh zap arghing her!  Ranma
lurched for the door, grabbing the knob and twisting it as her
strength was pulled away...

     Coasting on the inertia of the door, Ranma yanked herself
out of the coin's light.  A new wave of strength, Ranma's second
wind, presented itself; Ranma shut the door behind herself.

     "Get back here, DELINQUENT!" Miss Hinako shouted, as the
window refracted a burst of yellow energy.  However, as she
charged out of the door and flashed the coin around, it targeted
nothing; Ranma was out of sight.

     Miss Hinako grumbled something unprintable and tossed the
coin in the air, catching it in her fist.  The teacher stomped
back into the office, shutting the door behind her.

     Ranma peeled herself off of a ceiling light fixture, and
dropped noiselessly to the ground below.  Exhaling a sigh of
relief, she set off down the hall.

     Okay; befriending her is now officially out.  Disable it is.

                              *

     Akane sat in the lunchroom, bored.

     Now, she thought.  Now was the time when Ranma would usually
crack the first cooking insult of the day.  Then Akane would
return fire with a few comments about good taste, and they would
eat a little, then argue, then eat...

     Not that she LIKED to argue with Ranma.  He was a pigheaded,
stubborn fool who never knew when to shut up.  But until now,
Akane never noticed exactly how friendless she was.  Yelling at
her baka fiancee wasn't much of a friendship, but at least it
gave her something to do, someone to talk to.

     All Akane could do now for her hour of lunchtime was pick
through a prepackaged school bento and listen to all the
conversation around her she wasn't involved in.

     She almost considered counting every grain of rice in her
lunch for something to do when another Akane sat down next to
her.

     "Hi there," the new Akane waved.

     "Oh, hello," Akane said.

     "Mind if I eat lunch here?" Akane #2 asked, pointing to her
still-wrapped mystery meat and rice.  Akane #1 shook her head and
continued poking at her food.  "Thanks.  It's nice to see a
familiar face, if you don't mind the old joke."

     "There must be fifteen other Akanes in this room," Akane
Tendo said, taking a quick survey of the students around her. 
"Doesn't that ever bug you?"

     "Heck no!  Why should it?" new Akane asked, unboxing her
lunch.

     "I guess it's supposedly normal... but it's still a bit
weird, seeing yourself copied off like that..."

     "We're all a little different," the new Akane said.  "None
of us are really the original Akane, though I really hope I can
be as great as she was one day.  Didn't you read about it?"

     "About what?"

     "Coping with Clonehood.  It was one of the booklets you got
when they shipped you."

     "Oh, that.  No... I was kind of mixed up at the factory, you
might say," Akane admitted.  "It was during that incident awhile
back."

     "Hey, me too!" the other Akane said.  "I got shipped out
then as well.  They screwed up the order and I was delivered to a
pizza takeout service."

     "That's... weird."

     "It's turned out okay.  I deliver pizzas to pay my way, and
I get free room and board.  I tend to get lost a lot on
deliveries, but the manager didn't think it was right to dump me
on the street before I figured out who ordered me.  See the Akane
over there?  The one by the water fountain?  She was delivered
that night too.  Someone ordered a Kasumi to act as a hotel
restaurant chef, but got her instead.  A few meals later she was
fired.  We can't cook, apparently."

     "I noticed," Akane nodded.  "I feel like I should be part of
some big ethnic group.  A thundering horde of Akanes."

     "I don't know, I haven't really felt like that," the other
girl said.  "It's like, yeah, it's cool and all to have so many
people around you like you, but I don't FEEL like I'm like them."

     "You too?" Akane asked.  "Maybe it's culture shock..."

     "Maybe.  I don't even have a proper name, since my purchase
order wasn't in the box.  For now, the manager just calls me
Wrong Way Tendo."

     "What should I call you?"

     "WW would be okay," Wrong Way suggested.  "Hey, you want
some dessert?  I've got a little extra change on me and I'm going
back for some yogurt."

     Akane examined the line for the dessert cart, which
stretched around the cafeteria nearly 3/4ths of the way.  "Isn't
the line a little long?"

     "It's okay, I'll just cut in," the other girl said.  "Sure,
it's against the lunch rules, but good yogurt waits for no one."

     Akane nodded, smiling.  She could get to like her.  Herself. 
Whoever.

                              *

     "Excuse me, is Doctor Tofu in?" Ranma asked the health room
nurse.

     "The Doctor is treating a sprained ankle in his office," the
Nabiki extender replied.  "If you'd like, you can wait here. 
What is the nature of your problem?"

     "Umm... upset stomach," Ranma said, forgetting that you
needed a REASON to show up at the health room.

     "Uh-huh.  Have you eaten lunch yet?"

     "No, not really..."

     "Since the health room is usually very busy, we recommend
having students with 'upset stomachs' each lunch first and return
later if the stomach is still ill," the nurse said, with a hint
of contempt.  "As you can see, we're rather packed."

     Ranma nodded.  It was hard to miss the skinny, exhausted
figures what were slumped against the row of plastic chairs. 
More delinquents Miss Hinako had to deal with, Ranma suspected. 
All of them shared a few things in common; zombielike moans and a
tendency to drool.  It kind of reminded Ranma of a scene out of
The Stand.

     "It's really bad," Ranma faked, grabbing at her stomach.  "I
may have to unload my breakfast right here..."

     The Nabiki didn't panic, and quickly stuffed Ranma's face
into a nearby wastebasket.  Ranma wiggled away, and stepped back
several paces, a small banana peel stuck to her hair.  "It's not
THAT bad," Ranma corrected, scraping the trash off.

     "Suit yourself.  All the chairs are occupied," the nurse
said.  "You can stand and wait, however.  Since your illness is
less common than the rest of these students, I'll let you see the
doctor next."

     "Weren't they here first?"

     "It cuts down on overhead and risk factor to let special
cases in first.  We get Hinako victims in here daily," the Nabiki
said.  "It's too common to rate it higher than other illnesses. 
When you heal the kids in THIS school, you need to manage time
against risk or else nobody gets treated.  You know how it is. 
Although we'd simply HATE to waste our good Doctor Tofu's time
with fakers..."

     "Faking.  Yeah, I can see how that'd be a problem."

     "Stomach any better?" Nabiki asked, poking at it with a pen. 
"You sound a lot calmer."

     "What?  Oh... aargrhhhh... oooohhh... no.  I'll go stand
over there," Ranma said, pointing to a point in the room furthest
from the nurse's desk.

     "Fine by me.  You're number 034," Nurse Nabiki said, passing
Ranma a ticket stub.  Ranma took it and faked a limp over to the
corner of the room.

     To avoid the stares of the Hinakoed students in the room,
Ranma read anything she could lay eyes on.  Various health and
safety posters were tacked up, scripted in cheery Ministry of
Sanitation blue; there was a poster of Kasumi Tendo on the wall
as well, with the slogan A SAFE SCHOOL IS A FUN SCHOOL.  Most of
this poster, at least the face, was obstructed by an oddly placed
plant, as if someone wanted people to keep from seeing it.

     In particular, Ranma noticed the doctor's union permit;
Larry Tofu, Member #36 of the Loyal Order of Tofus.  The Tofus
were the only extenders to recognize the benefits they could get
by forming a small ethnic group and unionizing; as a united
front, they pushed the law so Tofu extenders could use Tofu as a
last name instead of a middle.  Of course, Ministry of Data
stopped making them the moment the Loyal Order of Tofus was
developed, but that didn't stop the existing ones from pushing
the law in regards to extenders further and further.

     It couldn't be denied that the unionization of Tofu clones
was a good thing.  Tofu-established monthly meetings, checks and
balances, and a less paperwork oriented system meant you'd get
quick, effective treatment.  Most families knew at least one
Tofu, and relied on him for minor scrapes and injuries, since
Ministry of Sanitation medical centers were notoriously slow and
ineffective.  Some Nabiki extenders were imported to speed things
up, but for first and second aid, you just can't beat Tofu.

     "Now serving number 034," Nabiki called.

     Ranma chucked the ticket stub and walked over to the office
door, letting the football player on crutches hobble past him. 
Ranma slipped through the doorframe and closed it behind him.

     "You may have a seat," Larry Tofu said, finishing up a Loyal
Order of Tofu Treatment Postdiagnosis Form (one page, big print,
and very streamlined).  "Well now, what seems to be the problem?"

     "Actually, Doctor Tofu, I faked," Ranma admitted.  "Sorry. 
But I really, really need to talk to you."

     "Talk?" the doctor asked, looking up.  "I don't really have
enough time... can I fit you in tomorrow?  I really wish I had
more opportunity for interaction with the students, but Miss
Hinako really keeps my hands full..."

     "It's about that, actually," Ranma said.  "I came THIS close
to being... whatevered by her today.  I was wondering, is there a
way to turn off whatever power she has?"

     "Oh, certainly," the Doctor said.  "It's a very simple
procedure."

     "So why hasn't anybody done it?" Ranma asked.

     Larry considered the question. "I may have SOME time to
talk... if you're offering to try and stop her powers, that is."

     "Maybe.  I'm hoping I can, but I'd need to know how."

     "I would appreciate it if you did," Larry said.  "She's been
my largest epidemic for months now.  Other students have tried
and failed to stop her, but it doesn't mean that shutting the
power off is impossible."

     "So why haven't you done it yourself?" Ranma asked.

     "How long have you been at this school?" Larry asked.

     "Just today.  I transferred in."

     "Ah, so you don't know the whole story.  See, the principal
hired her specifically for her powers," Larry said.  "She has the
ability to suck the endurance out of a human being, tiring them
out and preventing them from engaging in strenuous activity.  A
positive side effect of this is an increased attention span;
unable to do anything physically, the victim has no choice but to
grab onto the other senses and amplify them to keep from falling
unconscious.  Since she's shown up, we've had a dramatic decrease
in school crime and an increase in grades.  That's good for the
school."

     "So you can't cancel the power because the principal would
disapprove of losing these benefits and fire you?" Ranma asked.

     "Not exactly.  While the Loyal Order of Tofus could land me
another job, my reputation could be in danger."

     "From the firing?"

     "No, from the power cancellation.  Let me give you some
background here.  The only thing that could give her those powers
would be a modified metabolism... very simple to do with pressure
points, actually, but it has to be applied in a very exacting
way, and has some bad side effects..."

     "You know what's up with her?" Ranma asked, surprised.

     "I told you I've been researching this," Larry said, getting
up to root through a filing cabinet.  "It's a very ancient
process, and was used in the old days until those who practiced
it realized it could drive the human mind to obsessive insanity. 
Apparently, someone recovered those shihatzu manuscripts and
tried them again.  The results haven't been easy on this school. 
What I've been trying to get done is a negation her ability to do
a power transfer, so she'd be a normal teacher and not a walking
vacuum cleaner... it's simply a series of pressure points to undo
the treatment... ah, got it.  Here's a printout of my file on the
cancellation procedure..."

     Larry Tofu unrolled a dogeared computer printout, and placed
it on his desk.  Ranma leaned over and examined it.  There was a
crude diagram of the human body, along with several techie
medical notes in the margins.  Five points were highlighted in
red; three on her left breast surrounding the nipple, and two on
her right buttock.

     "As you can see," Larry said, "If I was to apply pressure to
these points, I would be looking at extensive sexual harassment
charges.  My career as a healer would be in severe jeopardy. 
Hence, I'm not really eligible for this task."

     "I see," Ranma nodded.

     "Sometimes I wonder if it's worth throwing that career away
for the benefit of the students at this school," Larry said. 
"Still, if that were to happen, I would not be able to practice
medicine again, which would be less beneficial to society.  Now
you know why I secretly try to get students to do it."

     "Nobody minds this?"

     "The principal minds.  Miss Hinako obviously minds.  She
hasn't zapped me because she knows the school needs a physically
able doctor.  The teachers wish me well in my endeavors, but
don't want to help for the same reasons I have.  The kids like
the idea, since it means they don't need to fear her.  However,
some of the volunteers are a little TOO enthusiastic about the
job... you may have heard of the teacher-groping stories in the
news?"

     "Yes," Ranma lied.

     "That would be my fault for selecting inappropriate
volunteers.  If anybody asks me for the pressure points to do the
job, I try to predict the future outcome of such an endeavor. 
Typically I only pick strong students, and female ones."

     "Hey, I'm both!" Ranma bragged.  "Brawn and breasts."

     "Ahh... yeah," Tofu said, a bit embarrassed by Ranma's
casual tone about the b-word.  "Anyway, you can borrow the
printout if you'd like and try it.  But first, I need to ask you
what I ask most of my volunteers : Why do you want to cancel her
power?"

     "Huh?  Oh, you know, sick of what she's doing to the
students," Ranma rambled.  "Truth and justice and all of that
mess, you know?"

     "Funny, that's the same answer most volunteers give.  I can
only hope your intentions are pure," Tofu said, rolling up the
printout.  "Well, good luck, miss...?"

     "Ran-- ko," Ranma said.  "Ranko Ayukawa."

                              *

     Ranma peeked through the classroom window, scoping out the
territory for Miss Hinako.

     A perfect situation.   Ranma counted ten countertops, ten
students, and one room next to the front blackboard for
equipment.  It was Miss Hinako's Home Economics 101, her most
underpopulated class, where she'd be the most vulnerable.  Miss
Hinako stood at the front of the class in l'il girl form, the
power of age amplification having worn off.  All Ranma would have
to do is somehow get Miss Hinako in the equipment room, and while
she wasn't suspecting it, touch all five points and that would be
that.  It would look a little strange, but as a girl, the
confusion would be enough to let Ranma get away in time.  Yuriko
could send in a team to collect the powerless Hinako and Ranma
could become a man again.

     Ranma took a deep breath, and opened the classroom door.

     "...heat the water to boiling level, and get your noodles
ready," Miss Hinako said, going through the steps of today's
recipe.  "Put the noodles in and wait for it to bubble..."

     "Miss Hinako?" Ranma called, in a soft voice.

     "...let that simmer..."

     "Miss Hinako?"

     "...if it starts to turn brown..."

     "MISS HINAKO?!" Ranma emitted into the air at a higher
volume.  The class paused, all eyes turning to him, only 1/3rd of
which were zombified.  (Home Ec isn't typically a haven for
delinquents, just bad cooks.)

     "One moment, students.  Continue cooking, please!" Miss
Hinako said, and bounded over to Ranma in a single motion. 
"Ranko-chan, I happen to be in the middle of an important class
here!  Why have you interrupted me?"

     "I wanted to apologize for my behavior earlier," Ranma said,
in the best Sad Puppy Dog voice she could manage.  "Could we talk
in that back room there?  I really feel bad about what I did..."

     "WEEEEELL... okee, but only for ONE minute," Miss Hinako
said, tapping her Lum watch.  "Come along.  And no funny
business."

     Ranma nodded, and followed the shorter girl to the door she
had scoped out earlier.  No window on the door; nobody would know
it had happened until it was too late, and Ranma had a clear
escape path to the class door.  Flee the building and never show
up again, that's all she'd have to do to be in the clear.

     Ranma was spending so much mental power to memorizing and
concentrating on her plan that she almost missed a familiar
voice.

     "Hi, Ranko!" a happy tone from the third counter bounced,
waving a kitchen implement at Ranma in greetings.  Ranma
recognized it as the girl who talked to her in the hall earlier,
and gave a quick wave before entering the door to the back room
and closing it behind herself.

     "Very well, Ranko-chan, what is it you wanted to say?" Miss
Hinako said, turning to face her.

     Ranma put her fingers in preset positions, inhaled, and
charged across the room.  Miss Hinako, not expecting the attack,
was easily scooped up in Ranma's arms as the larger girl made for
the five pressure points and hit them each on the dot.  The
printout said she'd have to hold it for three seconds... one...
two... quit squirming... THREE and still holding!

     DONE!

     The plan worked perfectly.  Ranma had to restrain herself
from breaking out into evil laughter right there and then--

     "Hinako-sensei, I think something went wrong with my
noodles," the familiar voice said, as the door clicked open. 
"They... AIEEE!"

     Ranma freaked, losing her grip as the hallway girl dropped
her soup in surprise, dousing everybody in the room.  With HOT
water.

     The now boy didn't feel anything, but KNEW what had just
happened; the plan's blueprint changed from the confusing scene
of a transfer student grabbing her teacher to some unknown
perverted bozo groping a defenseless little girl.

     "AIIEEE!" Miss Hinako shrieked, in that perfect way little
girls can shriek, jumping away from the offending Ranma.  "YOU
HENTAI!  YOU MANIAC!"

     Ranma bolted for the door, carefully pushing the hallway
girl aside.  She bounced off the classroom wall, large metal
object on her back CLANGGGing like a church bell as Ranma raced
by like the wind for the class door.  A success or not, he was in
serious trouble and had to leave.  NOW.

     "HAPPO FIVE YEN SAT-SU!" Miss Hinako yelled, charging by
with a coin already in hand.  Ranma ducked and slid diagonally
across the school hallway, rebounding off the lockers for
momentum and changing direction in time not to get hit by the
yellow blast of light.  Several students in the classroom weren't
as lucky, thuds of exhausted bodies echoing as Miss Hinako
rounded the corner and was into the hall.

     HOW was she still doing that?! Ranma asked himself mentally. 
He was sure he hit the right points, and for the right amount of
time; according to the cheap color copy, that should have turned
her yellow death blasts off!  What went wrong?  WHAT WENT WRONG?

     He rounded corners with lightning speed, seeking only an
exit.  Now was not the time for wondering what went wrong; now
was the time for escaping ground zero.

     The girl with the huge spatula on her back watched the two
run far and fast out of sight from the class window, not sure
what to make of the situation.  The other students crowded around
the window, wanting to catch the last visible moments of the
fight.

     "Hey, Ukyou, wasn't that--"

     "I don't know," the spatula girl said.  "It LOOKED a lot
like him..."

     "Man, you must feel awful, him going after your own teacher
like that!  That's LOW."

     "I'll feel awful later," Ukyou dismissed.  "For now, I want
to find out what's going on.  Watch my noodles, I'm going
outside."

                              *

     Ranma ducked through the cafeteria crowd, weaving in and out
of student clusters.  Yuriko was going to be pissed, he grumbled
to himself.  How could he have botched a simple detective job
like this so bad?

     Well, he was only human.  Humans make mistakes sometimes. 
"It's not life or death deal," Yuriko had said... he could put up
with another attempt to get his manhood back.

     For now, he had to make sure he didn't lose it to an
enraged, coin-carrying muppet.

     Yellow arcs of energy soared over his head as Miss Hinako
accidentally hit the students he deliberately sought cover
behind.  A wide, sweeping arc of lunchers collapsed in their own
Mystery Meat as Ranma hunted around the massive cafeteria for
exits.

     "GET BACK HERE, DELINQUENT!  CROSS-DRESSER!  HENTAI!  HAPPO
FIVE YEN SAT-SU!" Miss Hinako shouted, mowing down everything in
her path.  Ranma slid under a table to duck the wide-angled beam,
ignoring the groans of the people he put in Hinako's crosshairs.

     There!  A small door, just about man-sized, marked WAY OUT. 
It had a fire alarm attached to it, but frankly, Ranma had
already raised hell.  Raising it a little more wasn't going to
hurt matters that much.  Ranma crashed into the door elbow-first,
pushing the door open and triggering the alarm.

     Bursting into the new day dimness of light, Ranma staggered
wildly across the sidewalk.  The door swung shut behind him; that
wouldn't stop her for more than a second, though--

     With a high pitched whine, a grey blur zipped past Ranma's
vision, panning the noise from his left ear to his right ear. 
The blur made a tight U-turn, and halted right in front of him,
tires squealing against the pavement.

     "Get on!  Quick!" Ukyou said, pointing to the back of her
scooter seat.  Ranma hopped on, resisting the urge to ask 'Who
are you?' or any other potentially time consuming questions. 
Ukyou twisted the throttle and zipped away.

     Ranma turned his head, watching Miss Hinako shrink out of
sight as the moped sputtered along at unsafe speeds.  There was a
bit of yellow light, but Ranma was out of range already, leaving
his botch job far behind him.

     The moped pulled into traffic, the light traffic of taxis
and bicycles that roamed the daytime streets.  He was safe.

     "Who are you?" Ranma asked, now that he had the time.

     "Don't you know?" Ukyou asked.  "It's me."

     "I can see it's you.  Who you are is still in question.  Do
I know you?"

     "Of course you do, silly, I... oh," Ukyou said, cutting off
her own sentence.  "Uh oh."

     "Uh oh?  What's uh oh?  What's going on?  Why're you helping
me?  Where are we--"

     "Zip it for now, please?" Ukyou asked.  "I'll explain later. 
I think I might know what's going on, and if I'm right, I've got
to get you out of sight before anybody spots us."

                              *

     The moped kicked up sparks as Ukyou jumped the street curb,
parking it against the side of a building.

     "Okay, we're home," Ukyou said, hopping off the bike. 
Ranma, who was still clinging to her for balance, was pulled off
the bike as well.  "You can let go now."

     "How can you RIDE that thing?" Ranma asked, stepping back. 
"It wobbles around like gelatin and barely takes corners without
tipping over!"

     "It was the best I could buy for transportation, considering
my profit margin," Ukyou shrugged.  "Just a failed attempt at
food delivery.  Here, inside.  I think someone you want to meet
is in there."

     "Can I ask who you are first?" Ranma asked.

     "Sorry, I forgot," Ukyou apologized.  "Ukyou Kuonji.  This
is my restaurant of sorts, Ucchan's... don't you remember it?"

     "Lady, I've never been here before in my life," Ranma
replied.

     "That's what we suspected they'd do.  Come on inside," Ukyou
motioned, pushing the door curtain aside for Ranma to enter. 
With apprehension, Ranma tested a step into the building... not
seeing anything explode or jump at him, he dared another few
steps, until he was inside.

     "RANMA!" Ukyou called to the back of the restaurant.  "We've
got company!"

     "Customers?" Ranma said, without saying it.  He felt his own
mouth, wondering how it could make the sound without actually
open, and position it across the room...

     "Not quite," Ukyou said.  "Come on out and meet him."

     Another Ranma stepped out of the kitchen.

                         End of File
                         Ministry of Data record GH.3704.7734.8
                         Private use only


                 Ranma 1/2 : Ministry of Confusion
                              Part 9

           A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne

     (Most characters copyright Rumiko Takahashi, obviously.  If
     I ever even considered claiming that these were my own
     characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where
     I'd be forced to eat my own lungs to live.)

-=-

     Ranma looked at Ranma who looked right back at Ranma.

     "Who're you?" they asked each other.

     "You first," they added.

     "Stop that!" they demanded.

     "Maybe I should handle the introductions," Ukyou suggested. 
"Ranma with the pigtail, what's your name?"

     "I'm Ranma Saotome," Ranma said.

     "I'm Ranma Kuonji," the other Ranma said.  "I'm you too."

     Ranma gave the boy a lookover.  He didn't look a THING like
him!  His hair was a tacky blonde, obviously bleached, and he
didn't have Ranma's favorite haircut; the braided pigtail.  He
wasn't wearing the latest Chinese fashions, ether, just a simple
apron and work clothes.  Okay, so maybe the face, eyes, stature,
mannerisms and voice were the same, but that didn't mean
anything.

     "I figured this would happen eventually," Ranma K. said. 
"How much do you know about this?"

     "About what?" Ranma asked.

     "About... well, what you are," Ranma K. said.  "If you don't
know anything, good for you."

     "But... I'm... you're..." Ranma started, at a loss for
words.  "Huh?"

     The blonde Ranma hung his head, frustrated.  "You shouldn't
have brought him here, Ucchan.  Talk about your kettle of worms. 
We could sell live bait at this point."

     "I had to do SOMETHING, Ran-chan!" Ukyou said, stepping
forward to argue with Ranma K.  "He was being chased by Miss
Hinako.  You didn't see her; she was enraged!  I had to bail him
out of there.  I would have done it for anybody else."

     "Yeah, but anybody else wouldn't have had culture shock upon
entering the restaurant," Ranma K. retorted.  "Next thing you
know you'll be dragging Ministry of Economics guys in to meet
your faithful husband."

     "Husband?" Ranma Saotome asked weakly.  "What's going on?"

     "Ranma, you're having a horrible nightmare," Ranma K. said. 
"You hit your head at school and you're hallucinating in your
sleep.  It's an awful nightmare and you want to get out of it. 
Walk away from the restaurant, pinch yourself and forget it ever
happened.  Go home.  It's better that way."

     "Whoa.  I am NOT dreaming," Ranma said.  "And unless you
explain pretty damn pronto who you are and why you look exactly
like me, I'm going to have to hurt you."

     "Was I that violent?" Ranma K. asked the girl.

     "Pronto is almost up," Ranma warned.

     "Okay, okay!  Sheesh.  You're just as pushy as I used to be. 
If you want to know so badly... Ucchan, can you talk it over with
him?  I'll go make us some tea," Ranma K. said.

     Ukyou nodded, and turned to the dark haired Ranma.  The
other one slipped through the curtain and into the kitchen area. 
"Have a seat, Ranma.  This could take awhile.  You'll have to
pardon Ra... him, he doesn't like trouble."

     Ranma nodded, not out of comprehension but out of instinct,
and took a seat at a nearby table.

     "Do you know about, whatsit, Experiment-R?" Ukyou asked.

     "I've heard about it," Ranma nodded.  "I didn't believe it,
though."

     "Why?"

     "It was ridiculous, that's why!  Yeah, right, me : a clone."

     "But you are," Ukyou said.  "That boy there is the person
they cloned you off of.  He's the original Ranma Saotome, the
human one."

     "And the hair?"

     "He changed it so nobody could immediately recognize him
after escaping from the Ministry of Economics," Ukyou said.  "I
had a new record, a Ranma Kuonji, added to the MoD data files so
we'd be safe.  He keeps a low profile and nobody notices or
cares.  We're doing okay."

     "Who're you, then?" Ranma asked.

     "I guess they made you forget," Ukyou frowned slightly. 
"Ranma suggested that they'd remove most of your childhood links
to people here in Nerima before you woke up... notably your
fiancee."

     "I've never had a fiancee."

     "Actually, you did.  Or rather, he did... it's very
complicated..."

     "No it isn't," Ranma K. said, walking out of the kitchen
with a tray of teacups and okonomiyaki.  He set it down on the
center of the table and had a seat.  "It's very simple.  I grew
up, I went to school, I got engaged and three days later MoE
kidnaps me for some experiment.  I manage to escape when some
idiot causes an explosion in the lab and I hightail it for home. 
End of my story.  Yours begins there, and since you know that
part already--"

     "You have any proof to back that up?"

     "I don't need any," Ranma K. said.  "It should be plainly
obvious.  You know about Experiment-R, right?"

     "Supposedly."

     "Okay.  It's all true.  The pieces snap together, right?  It
explains how you and I can both be here."

     "How about if YOU'RE the clone and I'm the human?"

     "Memory," Ranma K. said.  "Do you remember Ucchan?"

     "Who?" Ranma asked.

     "That would be me," Ukyou said, sliding over to Ranma K.'s
side.  "Pet name."

     "I take it that's a no," Ranma K. said, joining Ukyou.  "You
remember Furinkan?  Your old home?  Your old friends?  Anybody?"

     "I've never LIVED here," Ranma testified.

     "Well, Ukyou here can swear that you did, as can a lot of
other people," Ranma K. said.  "When you left, I arrived.  To the
public and to the Ministry of Data we're different people, but in
other respects we're the same."

     "So we're both human?"

     "Err, not the same that way," Ranma K. corrected himself. 
"Okay, enough facts for you.  Now my turn to ask a question. 
What are you doing here?"

     "I'm... doing stuff," Ranma said.

     "He was groping Miss Hinako," Ukyou stated flatly.

     "You trying to give my old life a hentai rep, Ranma?" the
other boy asked, annoyed.

     "NO!" Ranma said.  "I was trying to cancel her power.  I was
aiming for pressure points, that's all.  It just didn't work for
some reason.  See, I have this printout Doctor Tofu gave me..."

     Ranma fished the printout from his backpack, pulling it out
of the slot between two thermoses.  He smoothed out the crumpled
paper and placed it on the table.

     The other two examined it curiously.  "Hmm," Ukyou hummed. 
"It says here you need to apply pressure once a day for a month
to cancel the power."

     Ranma paused.  "It does?  Where?"

     "Small print," Ukyou said, tapping the paper.  "Didn't you
read it?"

     "I thought... I mean... Doctor..."

     "So you came to town to do that?  Why do you care?" Ranma #2
asked.  "This neck of the woods doesn't belong to you anymore."

     "What's your problem?" Ranma asked.

     "I'd rather you not be here, that's what," Ranma K. stated. 
"The Ministry of Economics stripped away my family and my dojo
and my name and gave them all to you, free of charge.  Thanks to
you, I can't get my life back."

     "If you were so eager to get your identity back, why'd you
crawl into this hole as Ranma Kuonji, get a bad haircut and
pretend you weren't yourself?" Ranma asked.  "Why not fight back,
and show the truth?  You know what they did.  You could put the
MoE in a lot of hot water by letting the public know about the
experiment."

     Ranma K. considered this for .0008 seconds.  "No thanks."

     "No thanks?  What kind of Ranma Saotome gives up that
easily?"

     "I'm not Ranma Saotome anymore," John K. said.  "I'm Ranma
Kuonji, happy husband and restaurant manager.  Given the choice
between a safe life with Ucchan or a chance at getting myself
killed for exposing government scandal, I'll take the first
option.  I don't want the truth bad enough to die for it.  Ranma
Saotome doesn't take stupid risks."

     "Yes you do!"

     "No I don't!"

     "Yes you do!"

     "No I don't," Ranma K. repeated.  "Look, you don't remember
that lab.  They killed me in there, removing my soul bit by bit
and transplanting it into YOU.  They've got 'experiments' down
there that you'd go white at the mere mention of, that's how evil
the place is.  I have no intentions of going back there in the
name of my name.  If it means chopping my hair up, so be it."

     Ranma took this in.  "So that's how you feel, huh?"

     Ranma K. nodded.  "If you were wise, Ranma, you'd do what I
did.  Turn back.  Quit looking for answers in the dark.  If you
had left when you arrived you wouldn't be in the mental mess
you're in now.  Look where your stubbornness got you; you found
proof that you were a clone.  At least if you never insisted on
finding out who I was you could deny it.  Now you can't.  Don't
you see?  The truth hurts too much to let it into your system."

     "You know, I'm glad you decided not to take your old life
back," Ranma said.  "I don't think you deserve it.  Now if you'll
excuse me, I'm going to go be Ranma Saotome, extender or not. 
Thank you for the tea, Ukyou.  Ja ne."

     With that, Ranma got up and walked for the door, leaving the
restaurant without so much as a backward glance.

     "You shouldn't have dumped on him like that," Ukyou said. 
"Poor boy..."

     "He asked for it," Ranma said.  "Asked very directly.  It's
his own fault.  Come on, we've got to get the place clean for the
dinner crowd."

     "I'd better go talk to him," Ukyou said, getting up from the
table.

     "What about the restaurant?"

     "You know full well nobody comes for dinner," Ukyou said. 
"I'll be right back, Ranma."

                              *

     "Ranma, wait!" Ukyou called, running at top speed to catch
up with the boy, who was sluggishly proceeding down the sidewalk
away from Ucchan's.  "Wait up!"

     "Why?" Ranma asked, turning around.  "Mr. Real Ranma doesn't
want me around.  I've got work to do, anyway."

     "I'm sorry if he was a bit rude," Ukyou said.  "He's... he's
still got a bit of resentment for what happened to him, even if
he claims he's moved on.  I didn't think that you'd make him so
angry... I hoped maybe if he saw that his old life was in good
hands he'd be relieved..."

     "Didn't seem to work," Ranma noted.

     "He is you, you know.  He's the human you were based on."

     "I know, I know.  He's right; I have the proof now.  I guess
I can't deny it anymore, I'm a clone.  He's the one who should be
Ranma Saotome, not me.  I'm just a mutation of him."

     "He can't go back to that life now.  It's yours for the
taking," Ukyou said.  "And... well, frankly, you're wrong."

     "Nani?"

     "Ranma... my Ranma... really has changed," Ukyou said. 
"He's more of a mutation of you than the other way around.  The
boy I grew up with was a clever, lively person.  A rebel of
sorts.  He LOVED to ask questions, even to the point of getting
kicked out of a number of history classes..."

     "That happens to me too," Ranma nodded.

     "See, that's the difference," Ukyou said.  "He's changed.  I
don't know what the Ministry of Economics specifically did to
him, but the Ranma I got back wasn't the same.  He was...
quieter.  A bit more passive.  He was still the same loving,
caring soul, but with a bitter edge to it.  He didn't mean you
any ill..."

     "He didn't?"

     "Okay, he did a little," Ukyou admitted.  "Look, I just want
to make sure you're cool with this situation I accidentally
dumped you into.  I couldn't just let you walk away after I
thrust a personality crisis at you.  You're not a *complete*
stranger to me, you know..."

     "I'll be fine," Ranma said shakily.  "It'll.. It'll just
take a little while to deal with the fact that I'm a clone."

     "It's not all that bad, is it?" Ukyou asked.  "From what
little my Ran-chan told me, it sounded like they didn't do too
much to you.  You're effectively human, extender trademark or
not."

     "Effectively doesn't make you human," Ranma said.

     "It makes you close enough for me."

     "Not enough for me.  Ukyou, I've grown up trying to round
things off to all or nothing.  Like, a picture can't be a picture
until you can see all of it or none of it.  Either I have to be a
human or an extender, I can't pretend I'm some kind of half mix. 
If I'm human, great.  If I'm an extender..."

     "If you're an extender... ?"

     "I don't know.  Maybe it's the same, maybe it's different. 
For right now I really need to concentrate on being Ranma
Saotome, pure and simple..  Any other titles are secondary."

     "You are Ranma Saotome, alright," Ukyou nodded.  "A spitting
image of who you used to be back in the day."

     "Were you really in love with me... him... us... Ranma
Saotome back in the day?" Ranma asked.  "I wish I could remember,
really I do.  I honestly don't feel a thing about you."

     Ukyou nodded.  "Ranma and I we were friends from the very
start... without anybody else to turn to, we kind of turned to
each other.  We bought that restaurant back there after scrimping
and saving, and wanted to raise a family there... plans haven't
worked out very well."

     "Because he became a wuss?" Ranma smirked.

     "Ranma!  My Ran-chan is NOT a wuss!" Ukyou said sternly. 
"No, it's nothing like that.  We've got other problems... in
fact... what time is it?"

     "Around three, why?"

     "Three?  Uhoh... I gotta go."

     "Huh?  What's wrong?" Ranma asked.

     "I can't talk right now.  I forgot how late it was.  They'll
be here any second..."

     "Who's they?" Ranma asked.  "Ukyou, if you claim to know
whoever I am well enough, you KNOW I won't walk away from such a
blatant setup as that!"

     "Don't worry, Ranma, I'll handle it," Ukyou said.  "Look,
you go home.  Enjoy your life.  I shouldn't be a part of it
anymore.  Goodbye."

     With that, Ukyou turned around and ran back to the
restaurant.

     Ranma watched her go.  Hmm.  Maybe he should just pack it in
for the day.  He had no intentions of coming down to Furinkan for
a whole month just to fight Miss Hinako... declare the day a
failure and go home.  Argue with Akane, eat dinner, go to bed.

     Yeah, right, Ranma thought, breaking out into a run after
Ukyou.  Not until I find out what's troubling Ukyou.  I'd be
tossing and turning all night if I left the blank spots of the
picture unfilled.

                              *

     Meanwhile, across town, Akane was eating a pizza.

     School was done for her, and her new friend was treating her
to a free slice at the Burn The Roof Of Your Mouth Pizzeria. 
Normally she'd just go home with Ranma, but today was
suspiciously devoid of Saotomes.

     "So where is he, anyway?" Wrong Way asked.

     "Hmm?" Akane mumbled through some extra cheese.  She chewed
a bit and swallowed.  "I don't know.  He said he had some
errands... he's just skipping school, I guess.  He was pretty
mean about it, too."

     "What, did he yell at you for asking?"

     "No, he didn't!" Akane said angrily.  "That baka!"

     "Whoa, calm down, Akane--"

     "No, don't panic, I'm not mad at you," Akane corrected,
lowering her tone.  "See, we argue all the time.  It's almost
expected of us now.  Anything else is just... weird.  Today he
barely would talk to me, like he was ignoring me.  I wish he'd at
least tell me what's wrong."

     "That is mean," Wrong Way nodded.  "Still, it must be nice
to have a fiancee.  I don't have ANY ties to other people, much
less such romantic ones..."

     "There is nothing romantic about it," Akane said.  "Ranma
wouldn't know romance if it bit him on the--"

     "Still, at least you have someone," WW mused, cutting Akane
off in mid sentence.  "I'm still looking for Mr. Right.  He's out
there somewhere, I can feel it..."

     "WW, you've only been alive for a couple days," Akane
laughed.  "I don't think your ideal man is going to just barge
into the restaurant.  Give it some time.  I'm sure you'll find
someone you like."

     "I have someone I like!" WW brightened.  "I... I just don't
know who he is."

     *Break time's over, Wrong Way Tendo!* the PA speakers
crackled, stopping the cheesy italian music momentarily.  *I've
got a delivery here for you.  Come on back to the kitchen.*

     "Foo.  That's my cue," WW said, getting up from the checker-
clothed table.  "Gotta run.  If you ever need some dinner, stop
by.  Bring Ranma if you want."

     "Will do.  Umm, WW?"

     "Yeah?" WW asked, hand already on the doorknob.

     "That's the door to the bathroom," Akane said, pointing to
the WOMEN sign.  WW blinked, and released her grip on the
doorknob.  She gave an embarrassed little smile and walked off to
the kitchen.

     Akane munched on her foreign treat in silence.  It was nice
to find a friend at her school, especially... well, she'd have to
admit it, a clone of herself.  Akane read somewhere that hell was
being trapped for eternity with a copy of yourself, but trouble
hadn't even hinted at arising between the two girls.  Either one
Akane was too different from the clone norm or the other was, or
both of them.  'Cloning' an extender didn't mean a carbon copy. 
It was simply a matter of two different people sharing the same
face.

     Of course, Akane knew that she was the original.  Ryouga had
claimed she was a clone, but Akane simply didn't feel like one...
she had a past, complete with emotional links to her background. 
She could remember the taste of Kasumi's dishes.  She remembered
how angry she was when Nabiki sold photos of herself to the local
Kendo champion.  She even remembered her mother, and all the
emotional reactions she had when mom passed on.

     Akane didn't care about genetic makeup.  Ryouga had it
right.  Clone or not, Akane was close enough to the original to
be considered Akane Tendo in full.  Human in all respects despite
any labels she might be carrying.  Now if only she could ditch
the silly 'Tomboy' first name label she had gotten
accidentally...

     WHAM!  The door slammed open at full force, wobbling around
on its hinges after hitting a nearby table.  Akane looked up from
her pepperoni.

     "Where is the Saotome Dojo?!" the boy at the door demanded.

     "R... Ryouga?" Akane asked.

                                   *

     Ranma opened the door twenty seconds after Ukyou closed it,
and strode into the restaurant.

     Mr. Kuonji looked up from his mopping.  "What're you doing
back, Saotome?"

     "Where'd Ukyou go?" Ranma asked, walking through the
restaurant towards the kitchen.  Ranma K. blocked his path.

     "Beat it, Saotome," Ranma K. requested.  "You've gotten what
you've come for.  We don't need you around here."

     "Ukyou said something was wrong.  Something about a THEY,"
Ranma said.  "Who's 'they'?"

     "What do you care?" Ranma K. asked.  "They don't concern you
one iota.  You've got no stake in this restaurant."

     "So call me a freelance do-gooder.  Who's they?"

     "If I let you know, will you go away?"

     "Probably not, but I won't be leaving period until I know."

     "I'll give you one thing, Saotome," Ranma K. said, almost
cracking a smile.  "You're persistent.  Okay.  Go to the window
and peek out, but try not to be obvious."

     Ranma nodded, and walked over to one of the restaurant's
windows.  He pulled the venetian blinds apart slightly, and
surveyed the land.

     "Nobody's out here," he concluded.

     "Check out the signs."

     "You mean the Turn Left signs?" Ranma asked, looking away
from the blinds to respond.  "What about them?  They're all over
the city."

     "Since when do ten of them form a perfect line in the road
like that?" Ranma K. asked.

     "There aren't ten, just nine," Ranma said.

     "Nine?" Ranma K. asked.  "You sure?"

     "I can count, and so can you," Ranma said.

     "Damn.  One of them got in," Ranma K. said.  "Walk around
poking things.  He could be anything in here."

     "'Poking'?"

     Ranma K. was already pacing around the room, jabbing at bits
of furniture and potted plants.  Ranma shrugged and did the same,
poking at chairs, light fixtures, menus, tables that yelped--

     Ranma jumped back from the talking table, surprised.  The
table somehow sprouted a head from its cloth, and started
skittering like a crab across the room.

     "What the--?" Ranma started.  Ranma K. pushed him out of the
way and jumped on the table, trying to pin it to the ground.

     "UKYOU-SAMA!  We're heeeere!" the table shouted with glee,
bucking around in an attempt to throw the lighter haired Ranma
off.  Ranma Saotome dove in for the table legs, adding to the
weight dragging it down.

     A small girl popped out from under the table, causing the
cheap furniture disguise to crumple behind her.  Both Ranmas hit
the floor as the girl bounced across the restaurant like a
superball, making a beeline for the order counter.

     The girl jumped over the counter, and into the kitchen.

     "It's inside the perimeter!" Ranma Kuonji shouted.  "After
it!"

     Ranma nodded, putting the 'What are we trying to kill?'
question on the backburner for now.  The two jammed themselves
through the entrance to the kitchen at the same time, popping out
into the cooking area.

     "I got him," Ukyou said, one foot propped up on a four foot
spatula, which had the girl pinned to the ground.

     "OW!" the girl yelped.  "Ukyou-sama, please, not so hard! 
Please let go of us and we'll go out on a date."

     Ukyou's eyes flashed pure anger, as she scooped the girl up
into the air, and tee-balled her with the Spatula back into the
main restaurant area.

     "Incoming," Ranma K. said, examining the unusual number of
potted plants that had just appeared in the restaurant.  "The
Horde approacheth.  Ranma, if you don't mind, give us a hand
here."

     "What do you want me to do?" Ranma asked.

     "It's very simple.  See those plants?  Get them out of our
restaurant!"

                              *

     "A... Akane?" Ryouga asked, peering through the dim light of
the restaurant.

     "Ryouga!  Hi!  Come on inside, I was just finishing up an
early dinner," Akane waved, motioning for the boy to enter. 
"Where've you been?  We lost track of you that night..."

     "I was out looking for you!" Ryouga said, darting to Akane's
side and pulling up a chair too close for Akane's comfort.  She
nudged her chair away slightly.  "I saw the Ministry of Peace
take you away... oh god, the horrors they must have put you
through!  I tried to rescue you, but I got lost..."

     "It's okay, Ryouga-kun," Akane comforted.  "They let us go."

     "They... let you go?  No horrors?"

     "N... no, no horrors," Akane said unconvincingly.

     "That's not normal for them.  I thought they let me go too,
and they had put some kind of bug in my head... I hope they
didn't do anything like that to you--"

     "Ryouga, please, I'd rather not talk about it," Akane said. 
"It wasn't a fun night, even if I did survive through it.  So...
how have you been?"

     "Worried sick!" Ryouga exclaimed.  "I'm glad to see you're
okay, Akane.  How've you been holding up?"

     "Oh, okay," Akane said.  "I'm staying over at Ranma's.  We
argue a bit, but it's nothing really awful.  Life isn't bad."

     "You're staying with RANMA?!"

     "Well, he IS my fiancee-of-sorts," Akane said.

     "But Akane, now that I'm back, you don't need to live under
the roof of someone that hates you!" Ryouga joyfully stated.  "We
can go off and leave this horrible country behind us.  I think I
know the way to America or China or something..."

     "Umm... Ryouga-kun, I don't know how to break this to you,
but I'm not that extender you modified," Akane said.

     "But... but it IS you.  I traced the work order myself and
linked it to you.  You are an extender, after all, and you
exhibit behavior that proves you had your inhibitors removed--"

     "I know it LOOKS that way, but I'm not a clone," Akane said. 
"I can't do much to prove that, but I know it's the truth. 
You're just going to have to accept it."

     "Did Ranma put you up to this silliness?" Ryouga asked
suspiciously.

     "Of course not!"

     "Did the Ministry of Peace make you say this just so two
free extenders couldn't be together?"

     "NO!"

     "Alright, then if you're not the Akane I'm looking for, who
is?" Ryouga asked.  "What other Akane has the same non-subdued
personality you do?  What other Akane is allowed to break the law
or talk back to people?  Akane, I've wandered around Tokyo for
days looking for you.  Every time I saw an Akane extender, I
thought : could that be her?  But each time it was one of the
empty clones, lacking your spirit.  I've talked to over fifty
Akanes trying to find you, and found nothing but robotic drones."

     "Even if I am your Akane, I'm not just going to run off with
you!" Akane said, getting a bit angry.  "For crying out loud,
Ryouga, I'm not going to ditch my life here."

     "What's holding you here?  Is it that idiot Saotome?"

     "Of course not!  It's..." Akane started.  "It's a LOT of
things.  I'm sorry things didn't turn out the way you wanted them
to, but hey, life sucks that way sometimes.  I simply can't be
the Akane you're looking for."

     "There aren't any other Akanes like you in this city,"
Ryouga said.  "I've checked.  And my Akane isn't just going to
barge through the door and into my life--"

     KNOCK KNOCK, went the door.  Ryouga paused.

     "Hold that thought," Akane said, and went for the door.

                              *

     "And STAY OUT!!!!" Ranma Kuonji shouted, hurling the last of
the chairs out of the restaurant.  It cried out in pain as it hit
the pavement, and scurried away, half its disguise lying in
broken bits on the street.  The other girls scrambled away, each
in varying costumes with varying degrees of damage to them.

     "HONESTLY!" Ukyou exclaimed, flopping backwards into a
nearby chair.  "You'd think he would have given up by now."

     "That's the weirdest battle I've ever been in," Ranma
Saotome said.  "We spot one of the disguised loons, toss her out,
and somehow she sneaks back in and hides again.  These little
street rats put up quite a fight too; look at these scratches and
bruises!  Do you know hard it is to get good skin with this
pollution?"

     "Those street rats are 'he's, actually," Ranma K. said.  "A
bunch of Tsubasa model extenders.  Ever hear of them?"

     "Can't say I have."

     "Only ten were made, thank goodness," Ukyou sighed. 
"Unfortunately, the clone base Tsubasa used to go to school with
me.  He's a bit... odd."

     "How odd is odd?"

     "Very odd," Ukyou said.  "First of all, he's a cross
dresser.  Second, he's a disguise expert and loves to sneak in as
a plant or bit of furniture.  Third, he's madly obsessed with me
and will stop at nothing to try and get me on a date.  Once they
realized that most of the original personality was leaking
through, they stopped production."

     "The original Tsubasa got married to someone else and
skipped town," Ranma K. said.  "I used to know him.  YOU used to
know him.  These clones are different, though; Tsubasa
volunteered to be cloned before he lost his Ukyou fetish... now
we have to deal with them each and every day.  They always show
up at three, and it typically takes an hour or two to make them
scurry off to regroup and plan for the next day."

     "I wish they'd give it a rest!" Ukyou scowled.  "I've GOT a
husband, thank you very much..."

     "You mean you have to beat them off with a stick EVERY DAY?"
Ranma gasped.  "That's... awful."

     "Nobody comes to our restaurant anymore," Ranma K. said,
hanging his head.  "The critics noticed the problem and labelled
the place a safety hazard.  We've also had to keep the Ministry
of Sanitation from closing us down.  It's doesn't matter if they
do, those hentai loons would chase Ucchan to the end of the
earth."

     "They only attack once a day, but it's a grueling once a
day," Ukyou added.  "Man, I'm beat.  I'm going to go in the back
and rest a little while.  Thanks for helping out, Ran-chan."

     "I always help out, Ucchan, I live here," Ranma K. smirked.

     "I meant him," Ukyou said, pointing to Saotome.  "I gotta go
rest.  That spatula's murder on your back and arms... Wake me for
the evening close up."

     With that, Ukyou headed off for the kitchen, and to the
living rooms behind it.  Ranma K. waited for the sound of her
closing the door.

     "Ran-chan?" Ranma K. asked.  "I thought she only called me
that..."

     "We're technically the same person," Ranma offered
helpfully.  "You keep saying that."

     "Whoa.  Draw the line, Saotome," Ranma K. said.  "You and I
are NOT alike.  I don't take chances like you do and you aren't
married to Ucchan.  We lead two different lives.  Why would she
call YOU Ran-chan?"

     "Hey, I don't know.  Ask her."

     "No.  You're the one who asks questions all the time, let's
see you answer one," Ranma K. stated.  "What was she telling you
when she ran out of here earlier?"

     "Not much, just apologizing for your behavior," Ranma said
flatly.

     "What do I have to apologize for?"

     "You didn't exactly roll out the welcome mat for me, Other
Ranma," Ranma said.  "Instead of an easy transition I got a
sledgehammer to the head."

     "What were you expecting, flowers and candy?  I didn't want
you here, you know that."

     "That's no reason to be mean about it.  What threat am I to
you, anyway?  I don't want anything you have."

     "I don't know that for sure," Ranma Kuonji said.  "I THOUGHT
the Ministry of Economics just wanted to see me for a tax audit,
then the next thing I know I'm in a basement cell.  I THOUGHT
they just wanted me to admit I was cheating on my taxes, but I
found out what was really going on; they were cloning me off
while I slept.  Have you ever seen some hideous half-grown THING
carrying your face, Saotome?  You ever been told by someone that
you didn't matter anymore, and everything you held dear was going
to be given to someone else who looked just like you?"

     "Umm... no?"

     "I have.  It hurts, Saotome.  I don't want to get involved
in that mess again.  I don't want the Ministries in my life. 
I've scavenged my own past for a few things I could still hold
onto, and found Ucchan.  Don't think for a minute I'm going to
just hand her over to you because you're more Ranma than I am."

     "Since when have I said I wanted Ucchan?" Ranma asked.

     "You haven't.  They never told me I was going to be cloned,
either.  I'm not taking that risk, Saotome.  I'm Ran-chan, not
you.  I want you to leave this restaurant and never come back. 
I've got my life and you've got mine and it's going to stay that
way.  I don't want the truth from you, I don't want to know why
you're here, I just want you to leave."

     "Hey, fine by me," Ranma said.  "I--"

     A scream ripped through the air, straight through the
noncombustible walls that separated the restaurant from the rest
of the building.  Both Ranmas straightened up and took notice at
the sounds of fighting coming from...

     "U... Ucchan?" Ranma K. stammered.

     Neither Ranma needed more prompting.  Ranma let his clone
base run ahead of him, plowing through door after door to reach--

     "UCCHAN!" Ranma K. screamed.

     The room was empty.

     There were signs of a scuffle; several broken Turn Left sign
parts notably, as well as large spatula indentations on the
walls.  The large bedroom window was wide open, curtains blowing
in the thick Tokyo air.

     Ukyou was gone.

                         End of File
                         Ministry of Data record GH.3704.7734.9
                         Private use only


                 Ranma 1/2 : Ministry of Confusion
                              Part 10

           A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne

     (Most characters copyright Rumiko Takahashi, obviously.  If
     I ever even considered claiming that these were my own
     characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where
     I'd be forced to eat my own lungs to live.)

-=-

     "Not again, no, no, not again..." Ranma Kuonji mumbled,
visibly shaking.  "They couldn't have... they didn't..."

     "They didn't," Ranma Saotome agreed, crouching down to
examine the debris.  "The Ministries had nothing to do with this. 
Look at the costume chunks here.  The charge of the Turn Left
brigade did this."

     "How?" Ranma K. asked.  "Why?  Until now they've just begged
Ucchan for dates... tried to sneak in and bug her... but they
never wanted to hurt her.  They're annoying, but not evil."

     "Something must have changed that behavior," Ranma said.

     "I hope she comes back okay," Ranma K. said, worried.

     Ranma paused, shredded plastic in hand.  "What do you mean
comes back?  Aren't we going after them?"

     Ranma K. stared at the open window, watching the curtains
flop back and forth in the night breeze.  "We could... but I
think Ucchan can take care of herself... plus there's the chance
of someone spotting me.  I'm not supposed to be alive, Saotome. 
It's dangerous for me to go out."

     "I can't believe you!" Ranma exclaimed, pulling himself to a
full standing position.  "You would let those THINGS haul off
your wife and not do anything other than stand around and
whimper?  You're RANMA, man!  You're supposed to go out there and
rescue the ones you love.  It's part of the job description."

     "What can I do?" Ranma K. asked.  "The Ministries have to be
behind this, they're behind everything.  When they want
something, they get it.  You can't stop them.  Why should I fight
a pointless war?  HOW can I fight a pointless war?  They've taken
Ucchan just like they took my identity, and now I'm never going
to get her back, not ever--"

     "You're certainly not going to get her back if you stand
around and whine," Ranma said.  "Come on, we've got to go after
them.  Who knows what they're doing to Ukyou?"

     "But... I... if..." Ranma K. started.  "No.  I can't."

     Ranma reared back a fist and slammed it across his
ancestor's jaw.  Ranma K. reeled around, more out of surprise
than pain, and slammed against a wall face first.

     "I don't care if you are still using my first name, you're
no Ranma," Ranma Saotome said.  "Ranma wouldn't just sit back and
LET people walk over him.  Now quit your whining, quit your
bitching about how bad your life is and FIGHT BACK, for crying
out loud.  You're a disgrace to my gene pool."

     "You've got no right talking down to me," Ranma K. spat,
some blood flowing out of his mouth in the process.  "You're not
even human, you stupid clone."

     "So I'm a clone," Ranma shrugged.  "Big deal.  I don't care
about that anymore.  I'm twice the Ranma you are.  If you don't
want to go rescue Ucchan, I will.  Go ahead and retreat into your
hole and give your life away, I for one don't give a damn
anymore."

     "What do you mean, 'give'?  It was TAKEN from me!"

     "Only because you made no efforts to get it back," Ranma
said.  "You submitted to them by letting the Ministry of
Economics ruin you without so much as a raised voice on your
part.  Now you're giving your wife over.  I hope you can live
with yourself after this.  I know I couldn't if I were in your
shoes, which I am."

     "What can I do about it?" Ranma K. said.  "What can I do to
get it all back?  It's too late for that."

     "You can't get it all, nitwit.  You had your chance at that
and blew it.  Deal.  You can still get Ukyou back, though," Ranma
said.  "A horde of ten wimpy Turn Left signs can't carry a
kicking and screaming martial artist chef very far or very fast. 
If we left right now, we could get them before she ends up
wherever she's going."

     "How would we find them?" Ranma K. asked.  "Tokyo's a huge
place, and impossible to cross without directions.  We'd need to
know where they were going to take her.  Simply stumbling through
the streets yelling 'UCCHAN!' isn't going to cut it."

     "Simple," Ranma grinned, delivering a savage kick to the
endtable behind him, which yelled out in pain.  "We ask him."

     Ranma K. blinked.  The endtable sprouted a head from under
the lampshade of the light atop it, and an arm from one of the
drawers.  "That hurt," it complained.

     "Where'd the others take Ukyou?" Ranma asked, grabbing
Tsubasa by the chin.

     "How'd you know...?" Ranma K. asked, pointing to the
endtable.

     "I followed the trail of costumes," Ranma replied, not
tearing his eyes away from Tsubasa's.  "It looked like one of
them was hiding over here, so it was just an accurate guess."

     "We took her where we were supposed to take her," Tsubasa
replied, unemotionally.

     "Which is?"

     "We're not supposed to say," Tsubasa said.

     "We could beat it out of him," Ranma K. suggested, cracking
his knuckles for sheer dramatic effect.

     "I have a better idea," Ranma said.  "Tsubasa, Ukyou-sama is
in DANGER."

     "Nonsense!" Tsubasa exclaimed, wrenching himself free of
Ranma's grip and crawling out of the bottom drawer.  Underneath
the silly furniture outfit, he had a basic schoolgirl's uniform
on, with a nice big hair bow.  "We aren't supposed to HURT Ukyou-
sama.  Just fetch her.  The Ribbon hasn't said anything about
hurting her."

     "'The Ribbon'?" Ranma K. asked.  "What's the Ribbon?"

     "Ribbon... Ribbon... I think I may know," Ranma said.  "I
need to make a call.  Can you handle our guest here for a minute
while I use your phone?"

     "I thought we were going to go look for Ucchan!"

     "We will.  I need to get more information about this first,
though," Ranma said.  "I might be able to figure out exactly
where she is.  Hold him... her... it for a second and I'll be
right back."

                              *

     Ranma pulled the crumpled slip of paper out of his backpack. 
He noticed the phone number on his Furinkan class schedule
earlier, but didn't think much of it; now he knew what it was
for.  He quickly dialed the number.

     "Basement," a voice replied on the other end of the line.

     "Put Yuriko on," Ranma demanded.

     "Excuse me?"

     "Sorry, I meant Deep Thought," Ranma replied.  The voice on
the other end nodded (invisibly to Ranma), and the line fell
silent for a few moments.

     "Status, Mr. Saotome?" Yuriko replied, coming in loud and
unclear.

     "Hinako's a bust," Ranma replied.  "I'd have to wrestle her
to the ground every day for a month to make her safe.  I think
you can color this mission a screw up."

     "I was afraid of that," Yuriko sighed.  "Alright.  Go back
home, you're already late coming home from 'school'."

     "I can't.  I need some information from you," Ranma said. 
"Are you aware of the Ministry of Peace doing any strange things
with Tsubasa extenders?"

     "You got a Tsubasa?" Yuriko asked.

     "One prisoner, nine escaped."

     "Where are you?"

     "A restaurant called Ucchan's on--"

     "I'm coming over," Yuriko said.  The line cut before Ranma
could object.  He shrugged, hung up the phone, and rejoined his
clonemate in the bedroom.

                                   *

     Halfway across town/country/totalitarian state, a delivery
girl was lost.

     Wrong Way Tendo had wandered around Tokyo for several
minutes before deciding she was lost.  The problem with this
town, she thought, was that it all looked the same.  Lots of
different buildings, lots of different signs, lots of different
streets, but the pattern was always the same.  Perhaps, she
thought, I could bring some paint and mark my trail.  Yeah, that
might work.

     For now, however, she had to ask for directions.  The clock
was ticking on her thirty minute delivery.

     She walked up to the nearest door, and knocked twice.  She
was sure she wasn't very far from 1102 Fuji Avenue, and would
just need a pointer in the right direction to complete this
delivery...

     An Akane extender answered the door.

     "Where is 1102 Fuji Avenue?" Wrong Way asked.

     "WW?" Akane replied.  "What're you doing back here?"

     "Akane?  What're you doing on Fuji Avenue?"

     "This is the pizzeria," Akane said, pointing to the clearly
marked sign reading BURN THE ROOF OF YOUR MOUTH.  "Did you just
wander around in a circle?"

     "I... I think I did," WW mumbled.  "Sorry to bother you..."

     "No bother," Akane smiled.  "Keep trying, you'll find it
eventually..."

     "Who's at the door?" a voice in the back asked.

     "Just a friend of mine, Ryouga," Akane called back.  "Got a
minute, WW?"

     "One, yeah," WW said, stepping into the restaurant.

     "Okay.  Wrong Way Tendo, this is Ryouga Hibiki.  Ryouga,
this is WW," Akane greeted.

     "Wrong... way?" Ryouga asked, turning the name over in his
mind several times.

     "I get lost a lot... Ryouga, right?" WW asked.  "I gotta get
back to my delivery and find Fuji Avenue.  Sorry I can't talk
more, Ryouga.  Will you be here when I get back?"

     "Actually, I know the way to Fuji Avenue!" Ryouga exclaimed,
grabbing his pack and umbrella from his chair.  "I'll take you
there."

     WW blinked.  "Really?  You mean that?"

     "Of course!" Ryouga smiled.  "Come on, follow me."

     With that, the two left the restaurant without so much as a
backward glance.  Odd, Akane thought, and went back to the table
to finish her cold pizza slice.  She hoped Ryouga didn't make WW
TWICE as lost in the process.  The two were quite similar that
way.

                              *

     "We're not telling you where Ukyou-sama is," Tsubasa
humphed, slumping back in his chair.  "That's final."

     "May I hit him?  Please?" Ranma K. asked.

     "Private party, or can anybody join in?" Yuriko asked,
walking in through the open door.  Ranma K. twisted around in
alarm, facing off with the shorter, skinnier girl.

     "Relax, Original Ranma, it's just one of my friends," Ranma
said.

     "Your door wasn't locked in any serious manner, real Ranma,"
Yuriko said to Kuonji.  "Yeah, I know who you are.  I guess
you've realized I wasn't lying to you, eh Saotome?"

     "Realized," Ranma nodded.

     "Alright, where is it?" Yuriko asked, despite the obvious.

     "It's right there," Ranma said, pointing.

     "You Tsubasa?" Yuriko asked, stepping over to the chair.

     "We are Tsubasa, yes," the boy replied, nodding with a
bounce of the hair bow.

     "Why does he keep referring to himself as a 'we'?" Ranma K.
asked.

     "Simple," Yuriko replied, grabbing Tsubasa's hair bow and
ripping it off.  The shorter boy yelped, grabbing at the air
where Yuriko held it above his head.  A wire antenna, previously
folded down with the ribbon, sprung to full length and wobbled
around.

     "What the--?"

     "Collective consciousness," Yuriko said, playing with the
antenna.  "Another of Kodachi's discarded toys.  I've known about
these guys for quite some time, but I've never been able to grab
one for questioning.  Looks like you boys have saved me the
effort.  I'll drag him down to the labs and we'll get some proof
out of the little freak."

     "We are NOT a freak!" Tsubasa pouted.

     "You can't do that," Ranma K. stated.  "We need this little
thing to lead us to a missing person.  The other nine Tsubasas
made off with her."

     "What a shame," Yuriko said.  "Ranma, you grab the
crossdresser and meet me outside, I've got a van waiting."

     "I'm going to have to agree," Ranma said, blocking the path
between Yuriko and Tsubasa.  "We need him to help us first.  Then
you can do whatever you'd like with him.  I called you down here
to see if there was any way we could make him talk... he sounded
like an MoP project, and you seem to know more about this than we
do."

     "Not really," Yuriko said.  "I know the history behind it. 
The few Tsubasa extenders that were made simultaneously decided
to work for the Ministry of Peace one day.  Despite being genetic
copies of each other, clones usually don't do things in chorus. 
These ten were doing EVERYTHING together, moving like one unit."

     "We are one unit," Tsubasa replied.

     "Anyway, I heard about these guys wearing little antennas on
the back of their heads, and got the picture," Yuriko said.  "No
proof, of course, just a theory.  For proof we'd need to get him
back to the lab."

     "We're not supposed to go off with anybody to a lab,"
Tsubasa said.  "We're also not supposed to tell you where Ukyou
is.  The Ribbon doesn't want us to."

     "The Ribbon?" Yuriko asked.

     "Ten to one says that's Kodachi," Ranma replied.  "I think
those antennas are making Tsubasa operate by remote control as
well.  Is there any way to override that?  Interrupt the signal
or something?"

     "You can't!" Tsubasa spoke out, frightened.  "If we're cut
off from the collective, we'll die!  Please, don't fiddle with
our antenna."

     "I am resisting the urge to yank the thing out by the
roots," Ranma K. said.  "Really, I am."

     "Why do you people hate us?" Tsubasa asked.  "We just want
to be with our dear Ukyou-sama."

     "Your 'dear Ukyou-sama' is married already, pal," Ranma K.
said, confronting the boy.  "She will NOT date you, no matter how
much you plead.  If you think you can kidnap her and get her that
way--"

     "Oh, we didn't want to kidnap her," Tsubasa said.  "We were
told to so we did it.  We're not dating her right now.  Ukyou-
sama is very safe with us."

     "How does he know that?" Ranma asked.

     "Collective mind," Yuriko stated.  "Probably what one
Tsubasa hears and sees is transmitted to all of them."

     "You mean they know everything we just said?!" Ranma asked. 
"They'll know we're coming!  Would Kodachi hear it too?"

     "No way," Yuriko concluded.  "If they kept constant contact
with the Ribbon, it would allow enemy agents to trace the signal. 
Single incoming bursts for orders are hard to find, but a single
beam of audio or video would be too obvious.  Still, the Tsubasas
will know.  What should we do?"

     "We could knock him out..." Ranma K. suggested.

     "We could take him back to the lab," Yuriko suggested.

     "No to both of those," Ranma said.  "We need a way to make
him... THEM cooperate and get Ukyou back.  Extenders can override
their programming if they want to, they just need to be given a
reason to fight it.  Take Ryougas for an example.  They overcome
inhibitors all the time.  What would make Tsubasa help us despite
what Kodachi's programmed him to do?"

     The three stood there, thinking.  Tsubasa grabbed his hair
bow back and readjusted it, covering the silly antenna up.

     "Tsubasa," Ranma K. said, crouching down to meet his eye
level.  "This person, the Ribbon, we know who it is.  She's a
very, very dangerous person.  She might want Ukyou to be killed."

     "The Ribbon would never do that!" Tsubasa said.  "The Ribbon
helped us achieve our harmony.  The Ribbon wouldn't betray us."

     "Does the Ribbon ask you do to things you don't want to do?"

     "Well... yes.  Occasionally.  We didn't want to jump in here
with tasers and take Ukyou-sama.  It's not nice.  We always were
hoping she'd come with us because she loved us..."

     "So what makes you think that you can trust the Ribbon?"
Ranma K. asked.

     Tsubasa thought about this.  "Hmm.  You may be right.  We're
consulting ourselves now about it.  Please wait."

     "Make sure you guys don't say anything aloud, at least not
the other nine," Yuriko requested.  "If the Ribbon picked Ukyou's
holding place, she's probably got it bugged.  Tell yourself to
act casual."

     The others stood around the room, waiting, as Tsubasa simply
sat in his chair and stared into space.

     "I don't know if this trick will work," Yuriko commented.

     "It's not a trick," Ranma K. said without joy.  "What do you
think Kodachi uses these guys for?"

     "Well..." Yuriko thought.  "They're the most efficient team
ever made.  They're masters of disguise.  I'd say covert
operations."

     "She wouldn't be ORDERING them to attack the restaurant
every day, then," Ranma K. said.  "The Ministry of Peace doesn't
care about this place.  Odds are the Tsubasas do that on their
own, and it eats up time Kodachi could use having them do
something else.  The easiest way to remove their pursuit of
Ucchan is to remove Ucchan."

     "REMOVE UCCHAN?!" Tsubasa yelped, breaking his silence. 
"But... the Ribbon... your logic is sound, we can see how that
might be.  We don't like that one bit.  But you don't understand,
we can't tell you where she is!  The Ribbon specifically said,
'Do not tell anybody where you have put Ukyou'.  We're INCAPABLE
of telling you, and if we tried, we might burn out our minds! 
What can we do?  We don't want Ukyou-sama dead!"

     "She might not kill Ucchan," Ranma K. theorized.  "She might
just hold her hostage and torture her to force you guys to
cooperate."

     "That's horrible!"

     "So's Kodachi.  Now if you want to save her, you've got to
tell us where she is!" Ranma Saotome demanded.

     "We have an idea!" Tsubasa said, smiling.  "We shall protect
Ukyou-sama.  We won't let anybody into the place we're keeping
her."

     "Can you do that?" Ranma asked.  "You said you had to do
anything the Ribbon told you to do.  She could ask you to go home
or stand aside as her own troops moved in."

     Tsubasa broke into a sweat.  "That won't work?  But... if
that won't work... ARGH!  We don't know what else we can do!"

     "Idea," Yuriko stated.  "Note.  Dynamic mental orders aren't
an exact science.  Dormant implants can cover almost any
ambiguity, but in order to give the Tsubasa horde commands in
real time, the software must not be very flexible.  It can't
interpret beyond the obvious interpretation.  What we need,
gentlemen, are holes in the Ribbon's orders that we can slip
through."

     "The Ribbon's exact words were 'Do not tell anybody where
you have put Ukyou'," Tsubasa said.  "We don't see any holes in
that."

     "Tell.  Keyword," Yuriko said, snapping her fingers. 
"Tsubasa, you don't have to TELL us.  Write it down."

     "Is writing the same thing as telling?" Tsubasa asked the
Ranmas.  They shook their heads.

     "We will write it down for you," Tsubasa nodded.  He grabbed
a pen and paper out of his collapsed endtable disguise, and
scribbled off some words.  "We will come with you to help you
protect Ukyou-sama."

     "Gentlemen, I've got a van outside," Yuriko said, snatching
the paper away once Tsubasa was done with it.  "Let's get
moving."

                              *

     "Are you SURE this is Fuji Avenue?" Wrong Way Tendo asked,
hiking up the pizza boxes in her grip.

     "Positive," Ryouga said.

     "Good.  We've got two minutes left before this pizza's
free," Wrong Way said.  "I've never delivered a pizza in less
than a half hour in my short life... I'd love to get one in on
time, just once."

     "Here's house 1102!" Ryouga said, pointing to the numbers on
the door.  "Ta da!"

     WW grinned happily and skipped up to the door, knocking
twice.  Ryouga hung back and sat on the curb, waiting for her to
finish the delivery.

     She seemed like a nice girl, Ryouga thought.  She had more
spunk than most Akane extenders Ryouga knew, at least...

     He thought about Akane's claims from earlier.  He didn't
believe she was the original Akane Tendo, of course.  That was
ridiculous.  The real Akane died in a bomb explosion.  However,
it could be that someone else had removed her inhibitors... did
he really have his Akanes mixed up?  He had traced the work order
over an extensive path, but was confident he had the right one in
the end...

     WW loped over to curb, and slumped down against it, still
carrying the pizza box.  "It's the wrong street."

     "What?" Ryouga asked, shocked.  "I thought..."

     "It's too late," WW said, flashing her Sailor Moon watch at
Ryouga.  "The pizza's free.  I guess I screwed up again."

     "It was my fault, not yours," Ryouga said.  "I thought I
knew where Fuji Avenue was.  I guess I was wrong.  Damn my sense
of direction!"

     "I would never have been able to find it either," Wrong Way
said.  "My sense of direction is kaput too.  I guess two wrongs
don't make a right, huh?  I feel like such a putz."

     "Come on, getting lost doesn't make you a putz," Ryouga
said.  "It's a problem, sure, but like all problems it can be
overcome so you can get on with your life."

     "I wonder if I got shipped to the wrong location because my
aura of lostness enveloped my packing crate," WW mused.  "Since
then I've had no real name, no real home, no real boyfriend, and
probably soon I'm not going to have a job either.  This is
awful."

     Ryouga patted the girl on the back, trying to comfort her. 
"It's not THAT bad.  Do what I do.  Break something.  You'll feel
a lot be... oh."

     "Oh what?"

     "You can't," Ryouga said.  "I forgot.  Inhibitors."

     "What's an inhibitor?"

     "The public doesn't know about them," Ryouga replied. 
"They're plugs put in every extender that keep them from breaking
the law.  Haven't you ever noticed that extenders are fairly
docile?"

     "Yeah, I have," WW said.  "But I've never had that problem."

     "Huh?"

     "I bend the law all the time," Wrong Way said.  "Come on,
half of them are just silly.  The other half are important but
can be slipped by occasionally without too much harm."

     "But it's impossible," Ryouga said.  "Extenders just can't
break the law."

     "Here, I'll prove it," Wrong Way said, getting up and
walking across the street.  She stopped at the other side, and
turned around.  "I just jaywalked."

     "Big deal," Ryouga said.  "That's minor."

     WW hmphed, and casually ripped a nearby mailbox out of the
ground.  She tried a few warm up swings and casually slammed it
against the asphalt, denting the metal severely.

     Ryouga gaped.  "How..."

     "Hey, don't ask me, you're the guy who knows what an
inhibitor is," WW said, tossing the mailbox aside and jaywalking
across the street to join Ryouga again.  "Pulling mailboxes is
easy.  Akanes are rather strong, you know.  Supposedly we can do
martial arts as well.  Runs in the family.  I remember the time
when Nabiki kicked this guy in the groin--"

     "You know Chairwoman Nabiki?" Ryouga asked, shocked.

     WW paused.  "No, I don't.  Funny.  Where'd that thought come
from, anyway?"

     Ryouga fell over.

     Wrong Way yelped and quickly helped the boy back up to his
feet.  "Whoa, Ryouga-kun, what's wrong?"

     "Nothing," Ryouga smiled dreamily.  "Absolutely nothing."

                              *

     The van rumbled along the streets, Yuriko swerving madly
around the waves of taxis and bicycles.

     "Share the road, you pigs!" she shouted to the drivers as
the van careened.  "Honestly, some drivers are so RUDE."

     "Let's go over it one more time," Ranma K. said.  "Tsubasa,
what were the EXACT orders the Ribbon gave tonight?"

     "First the Ribbon said 'Go to the Ucchan's.  There are
tasers behind the restaurant.  Use them to stun Ukyou and bring
her to (can't say) as fast as you can.'  'Do not tell anybody
where you have put Ukyou.'  Then once we arrived she said 'Hold
Ukyou and wait.'  There haven't been any other messages.  The
Ribbon probably doesn't know we're coming."

     "She will once we get there," Ranma Saotome said.  "If she
picked the location, she's likely got the place kinked for audio
or video.  We're going to have to get inside, grab Ukyou and
run."

     "But we were told to hold her and wait!"

     "Look at it this way.  She didn't say HOW LONG to wait,"
Ranma K. said.  "Maybe that time period is up."

     "Great!" Tsubasa cheered.  "This might work.  We wish we
didn't have to listen to the Ribbon.  At least now we know we can
look around the commands."

     "You know, you could interpret that as 'hold Ukyou' and just
have them carry her out," Ranma smirked.  "Save us the trouble."

     "I don't want them pawing her," Ranma K. said.  "We'll go
with interpreting 'wait'."

     "We wouldn't 'paw' Ukyou-sama," Tsubasa said, insulted. 
"We're not perverts.  We love Ukyou-sama."

     "No, you love an icon.  It's like you're Ucchan groupies or
fanboys," Ranma K. said.  "Hanging around like little puppy dogs,
ignoring the wishes of the person you're revering as a living
god.  What do you know about Ucchan, anyway?"

     "She's cute and caring and cooks well."

     "Hey, you just described me," Yuriko laughed, honking the
horn at some pesky pedestrians.

     "In other words, jack," Ranma K. said.  "Tsubasa, you're not
in love, you're obsessed.  It's not going to get you anywhere and
it's ruining her life and business."

     "She'll realize sooner or later that we're the right ones
for her," Tsubasa said, words heavy like stone writing.  "It's
just a matter of time."

     "Can we argue about this later?" Ranma Saotome suggested. 
"We need to get her out of there first, wherever there is. 
Yuriko, where're we going?"

     "Here," Yuriko replied, twisting the wheel sharply to the
left.  The van shuddered to a halt outside the large four-
charactered sign of Ikea, tires scraping against the cheap
pavement.

     "Jeez, Yuriko, where'd you learn to drive?" Ranma asked,
picking himself off the van's floor.

     "Learn?" Yuriko asked.  "They have classes?"

     "The others are in here," Tsubasa said.  "There are cameras
all over the place.  Normal security on the store, really, but
the Ribbon is patched into them.  We know because she told us to
move Ukyou to a specific part of the store."

     "Where?" Ranma asked.

     "We can't say," Tsubasa reminded.  "Come on.  We're ready."

     "What kind of a store is this?" Ranma asked.

                              *

     "Furniture," Ranma K. grumbled.

     Packed from floor to roof and all over the layout of the
cavernous outlet store was furniture.  Chairs, tables, chest of
drawers, lamps, dressers, beds.  All sorts of furniture from
metal to plastic to fireproofed wood.

     "We like it here," Tsubasa said.  "We can practice."

     "Can you point in the direction Ukyou's in?" Ranma K. asked.

     "No," Tsubasa replied.

     "Eh?  Why not?"

     "We just got a new order," Tsubasa said, fear creeping into
his voice.  "I'm sorry."

     Tsubasa scampered off down the aisles and aisles of living
room ornaments, as fast as his feet would carry him inside the
silly outfit.

     "Damn.  After him!  Don't let him get away!" Ranma K.
demanded, charging across the store after him.

     It was too late.  Tsubasa dived behind a sofa, and as the
others approached it, they found nothing but love seats.  The boy
had melded with the display with unnerving accuracy.

     "Ukyou-sama is in trouble!" a Tsubasa voice called from
fifteen feet away.  The trio span around, trying to track the
source, until another piped in from nine o'clock.  "We can't say
where she is, and we're supposed to attack you." "The Ribbon is
sending people over to hurt Ukyou-sama!" "Find Ukyou-sama,
please!" "Hide from us!  We can't stop ourselves!" "HELP!"

     "Where the hell are they?" Ranma K. asked, whirling around,
trying to find the voices.

     "All around us," Yuriko replied.  "Embedded in the displays. 
As anything.  I think my chance of bagging one for evidence just
went out the window..."

     "We've got to find Ucchan," Ranma K. said.  "Where could she
be?"

     "It'd take DAYS to search this place, man," Ranma said. 
"We'd never find her."

     "I don't care how long it takes, we're gonna find her,"
Ranma K. said.  "I'm not giving up that easily, not when I've
come this far.  Start looking around.  Look under, over, and
inside anything that can be looked under, over and inside."

     "I'm out of here," Yuriko said, starting for the door.

     "Hold it, missy, you're not going anywhere," Ranma K.
ordered.

     "Bud, if I get caught by the Ministry of Peace, heads will
roll," Yuriko said.  "I've got orders.  I'll be out by the van. 
If you chaps aren't done in here in ten minutes or if I spot
anything red and gun-laden I peel.  Try to bring back one of the
little rugrats for me as well as this Ucchan person, okay?"

     "Why, I oughtta--" Ranma K. started, before Ranma stuck an
arm in his path.

     "Skip it," Ranma said.  "We don't hit girls."

     "Yeah, yeah, I know," Ranma K. said.  "Alright.  If I was a
crazed pervert in a chair disguise, where would I put Ucchan?"

     "We're NOT perverts!" a voice from above called.  Ranma K.
looked up just in time to spot a barcalounger hitting him on the
head.

     The disguise splintered away, the impact being absorbed by
RK's forehead.  The other Ranma reeled around, as the Tsubasa
inside jumped out and dove for the nearest mirror display.

     "That little bastard..." Ranma K. cursed, wiping blood from
his nose.

     "INCOMING!" Ranma shouted, as a desk lamp shot through the
air at head level.  The two boys ducked, and it crashed into the
mirrors, shattering them; a Tsubasa screamed in pain, cursed at
himself, and scampered across the aisle into a dresser setup.

     "You little punks!" Ranma K. shouted after the escaping
Tsubasa.  "You claim you love my Ucchan and you screw with us
like this?  Give us a clue!  Her life's on the line!"

     "A clue?" a bed asked, rolling along at 20 MPH.  Ranma K.
pulled Ranma S. out of the way, and it crashed harmlessly into a
lamp section with a minimal amount of shattered light bulbs.

     "A clue!  Yes!  Anything!"

     "Ukyou's in her natural habitat!" an endtable shouted,
swinging by on a power cable.  The endtable clipped Ranma Saotome
on the back of the shoulder, but he managed to regain his balance
to avoid the after swing.

     "That's not much of a clue!" Ranma yelled back as the
endtable fell to the ground, a Tsubasa bouncing from it like a
rabbit in the grass.

     "Actually, it's a great clue," Ranma K. grinned evilly. 
"Come on, I know where she is."

                              *

     Yuriko tapped the wheel, perusing her magazine while the
radio cranked out some generic pop song.  Cute voice, bouncy
tone, the word 'heart' inserted in sixteen places.  Certainly
number one material.

     She was busy circling the recipes when she noticed the red
van pull up, three Ministry of Peace officers spilling out and
taking defensive positions around the vehicle.

     That was her cue to hightail it.  Yuriko started to go for
the gas... but... oh, come on, RANMA was in there.  She couldn't
exactly let the little moron get himself killed like that.  He
was too useful.

     So, instead, she grabbed a Ministry of Economics issue
rocket launcher out of the back seat, leaned out of the van
window, and blew the MoP transport to hell.

     She tossed the smoking launcher in the back seat and resumed
picking out recipes.  That's another one you owe me, Saotome. 
She skipped over the dessert section; she'd already tried those.

                              *

     They found her in Kitchenware and Barbecue.

     "Holy..." Ranma gaped.

     Ukyou was dangling from a ceiling-mounted crane, the kind
typically used to lift furniture buys from heavily congested
areas.  She was out cold, her spatula handle hanging from her
back like a third leg as her limp form spun silently on the
hook's chain.

     The whole assembly was poised over an open fire, roaring in
an expensive Safety Approved Backyard Barbecue Pit.  Ukyou
sweated in her sleep, fire well below her, but nevertheless below
her.  The controls for the hook hung against the far wall, across
the pit, across the Turn Left brigade.

     "You bastards!" Ranma K. insulted the various chairs, tables
and information signs poised around the pit, guarding it.  "I
thought you weren't going to hurt Ucchan!"

     "We don't want to!" one said.  "We can't stop ourselves! 
The Ribbon knows you've made it this far, and that someone
outside stopped her soldiers... oh god..."

     "What?  WHAT?!"

     The Tsubasas shifted around uncomfortably.  "No!  We don't
want to kill Ukyou-sama!  Ribbon-san, don't make us!"

     Ranma K. freaked.  He charged headlong for the pit, but was
intercepted by a dresser which scooted in his way.  He ducked
around, trying to swerve his way over to Ukyou, but the Tsubasas
were running on full remote now; they couldn't let him pass.

     "LEMME THROUGH!" Ranma K. yelled.  A Tsubasa near the back,
dressed in a basic schoolgirl's uniform, jumped for the hanging
control box, and pushed the button for UP, raising himself and
Ukyou out of reach.

     The other Tsubasas fell over, one by one, grunting and
groaning from the pain of trying to disobey their orders.  The
clone on the control box clung to it for dear life, kicking his
legs and trying to avoid going near the RELEASE button.

     Ranma's mind, reeling from the scene before him, surged back
with useful information.  "TSUBASA!  All of you!  They're just
inhibitors, like any others!  You can fight them!  Ryougas do it,
Akanes do it, any extender can.  Fight back!"

     "HURTS!" one of the Tsubasas yelled.

     "It's either that or Ukyou-sama dies," Ranma reasoned.  "You
have to choose."

     Ranma K. paused in trying to jump and reach Ukyou, as he
noticed the Tsubasas begin to smoke.  One by one, tiny wisps of
frying circuits floated from their heads, antennas sparking.  The
noise was horrible; not from the antennas, but from the Tsubasas,
who were writhing in agony mortal man couldn't comprehend.  Each
Tsubasa, each member of the group, feeding to the collective pain
of sheer willpower...

     Finally, the antennas gave a sick yellow spark and died out. 
The air hung thick with the smell of melted brainpan and toasting
Ucchan.  The Tsubasa on the control box fell off, inadvertently
hitting the RELEASE button on his way down.

     "UCCHAN!" Ranma K. screamed, diving for the fire pit.  He
impacted against Ukyou's dead weight, pushing her to safety.

     Ranma K. landed on the other side of the pit, but not all of
him.  His pants caught on fire instantly.

     Ranma Saotome was at his side in an instant, trying to pat
out the fires.  Ranma K. made no noise; he was too busy trying to
put the flames out to worry about the pain.  Quickly, the black
haired Ranma pulled one of his remaining thermoses out and doused
the other down, putting out the inferno long enough to squelch it
for good.

     The store was unreasonably quiet after that.

     "Ucchan," Ranma K. muttered, reaching weakly for the
unharmed girl.

     "Can you walk?" Ranma asked.

     "I... I somehow doubt it," Ranma K. grunted.  "We've got to
get out of here--"

     "I know, I know," Ranma said.  "Hang on, I've got an idea."

                              *

     Yuriko hummed the last notes of the song incorrectly and
finished her magazine.  Those ones might work, she reasoned,
pocketing the magazine.  She'd have to worry about translating
them later.

     A flurry of pounding directed her attention to the rear door
of the van.  She grabbed a pistol from underneath the dash, and
approached the doors cautiously, picking her way around the
seats.

     She kicked the doors open, and waved the gun around, ready
to shoot anything red she saw.

     "Whoa!" Ranma said.  "Calm down, Yuriko.  We gotta get out
of here."

     With a grunt of effort, Ranma hefted the tiny twin bed into
the van, wheeling the two unconscious spouses in with it, pushed
in close to keep them from falling off.

     "Gee, it's just what I've always wanted," Yuriko said,
tossing the gun away.  "What about Tsubasa?  We need one of him."

     "Yuriko, in one minute, this store is gonna be SWARMING with
bad people toting guns," Ranma reminded her.  "Let's call it a
day and get the hell out of here, okay?"

     "Couldn't have said it better myself," she grinned, hopping
back to the driver's seat and flooring it.  Ranma was pressed
against the wall as Yuriko spun a full U-turn in the narrow
street.  The two on the bed wobbled around, but stayed put.

     "Lucky buggers," Yuriko laughed.  "Even after that whole
affair they find time for a roll in the hay."

     "Wow, Yuriko the Hentai!" Ranma smirked, moving himself over
to the passenger seat.  "Who'd have known?  Jealous of her?"

     Yuriko went pale.  "Gods, no.  Most CERTAINLY not.  Just
trying to make a little humor, Saotome."

     "He'll be okay," Ranma commented.  "I think he's finally got
it through his head that there are some things worth fighting
for.  Can you see to it that no Ministry twerps come looking for
them?"

     "I'll see what I can do," Yuriko said.  "Ministry of Data
contacts are terrif about keeping certain people out of the
limelight.  So, Saotome, what was it like?  Meeting yourself?"

     "Not what I'd expected," Ranma commented.  "But on the
whole, it could have been worse."

     The van roared away into the night, turning geometry on its
ear as it progressed through the Nerima cityscape.

                         End of File
                         Ministry of Data record GH.3704.7734.10
                         Private use only


                 Ranma 1/2 : Ministry of Confusion
                              Part 11

           A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne

     (Most characters copyright Rumiko Takahashi, obviously.  If
     I ever even considered claiming that these were my own
     characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where
     I'd be forced to eat my own lungs to live.)

-=-

     Kodachi looked up through the rain at the towering painting.

     Not a bad likeness, Kodachi thought.  She was more surprised
at her officer's reaction, which although expected, was in the
extremes.

     "Don't stare like that," she ordered.  "You could get a
bloody nose."

     "H... Hai, ma'am," the officer said, averting his eyes from
the thing.

     Kodachi was actually very amused.  Towering into the three
story range, drawn carefully around the windows, was a full body
picture of herself, with a cartoony talk balloon reading 'I've
got nothing to hide!'.  Which was correct; the picture depicted
her completely naked.

     "I have a MUCH better figure than that," she joked.

     "Ma'am?  What do you want us to do about this?" he asked. 
"You just give the word and I'll have the boys go track down
these Ministry of Confusion perverts faster than you can say--"

     "No thanks," she dismissed.  "They're no threat."

     "But... the text at the bottom?" the officer asked, pointing
without looking.

     Kodachi reread it.  The words 'YEAH, RIGHT!' were scrawled
in blood red letters near her knees, with a smaller, more legible
paragraph next to that :

               We're looking for a few good freaks of nature!  If
               you're a rejected experiment into biogenetics of
               Kodachi's and you're looking to get a little
               disgruntled at your ex-employer, contact us at
               an935@anon.serv2.mx.  Friends and family of freaks
               are invited in the fun too!  We're ready to
               believe you.

     Kodachi frowned.  "Have the boys infiltrate... what's the mx
stand for again?  I'm not much on computers."

     "Mexico, ma'am."

     "Have the boys infiltrate Mexico and shut the server down,"
Kodachi suggested.

     "Ma'am, I only see two failings of logic in that.  One, we
can't invade Mexico.  Two, wouldn't it just be easier to find
these guys and bring them in for questioning?  I mean, this
painting isn't the FIRST one we've found--"

     "I'm fully aware of the situation," Kodachi nodded.  "At
least sixteen of these things... still, it is little more than a
prank, typical of the Ministry of Confusion."

     "What about the bomb they set off yesterday at the shopping
mall?"

     "What about it?  You have your orders, soldier.  Erase this
painting and the others and consider the matter settled.  When
the time is right, we'll punish these terrorists.  Not one minute
before."

     "Umm, ma'am, we tried erasing them... the paintings won't
come off."

     "Very well, then demolish the building!" Kodachi said.  "Do
I have to think of everything myself?  Honestly, what do I pay
you for?"

     "Hai, ma'am!  We'll see to demolishing all... sixteen...
buildings," the soldier said.

     "And according to your files, you're late for a standard
dental checkup," Kodachi said, examining the clipboard she was
carrying.  "See to it that you see the staff dentist."

     "Ma'am, I just had a cavity drilled."

     "That's not a standard dental checkup, now, is it?"

     "No, I guess not.  I'll go get a wrecking crew.  Don't you
worry, ma'am, we'll get these paintings down."

     "Glad to hear it," Kodachi nodded.

                              *

     Ranma sat back on the rear porch of the dojo, observing the
wall.

     The wall wasn't much to look at.  Once, he thought, maybe
you would have been able to see the sky without bending your neck
backwards like a PEZ dispenser... now there were stories upon
stories of housing, business, commerce, stacked up beyond Tokyo's
normal stackness.

     Even the Dojo had fallen prey to this... when it was built,
several layers of apartments were installed on top of it.  More
efficient, apparently.  Ranma never knew who lived up there; they
hopped on the rickety elevator and went up without a second
glance at the dojo.

     He still, however, had the backyard.  It was littered with
trash that the people towering above him would toss out rather
than schlep down to a MoS depot, particularly the fish pond;
which hadn't had a live fish in it in years.  The water was still
there, though, an everpresent reminder of his new curse.

     He was risking falling in simply by sitting on the porch,
but this was the quietest point in the house.  He'd been avoiding
Akane, trying to keep his new Secret Agent Man job away from her,
as well as his curse.

     Ranma sipped his root beer and watched the wall do
absolutely nothing of interest.

     "Ranma?  Are you okay?" Akane's voice called from the dining
room, beyond the closed door panel.

     "Yeah, fine," Ranma shrugged off, taking another sip.  Akane
ignored his response and opened the door, walking out to meet
him.

     "So where were you today?" Akane asked.

     "Doing stuff," Ranma said.

     "Stuff with Yuriko?" Akane asked.

     "In a way," Ranma said.  "Lemme guess.  You're rather
unhappy about her hanging around me."

     "Why should I be?" Akane asked, a hint of bitterness in her
voice.  "It's not like we'll be getting married.  Go out and have
fun.  Be the millionaire playboy with the bat suit in the
closet."

     Ranma cringed at how close that hit to home.  "Akane, you're
probably not going to believe this, but nothing's going on with
Yuriko.  She's just a friend.  Possibly not even that."

     "You're right, I don't believe it," she said.  "Whatever.  I
met a new friend today myself, actually.  She works at a
pizzeria... Want to hear something interesting?"

     "Yeah?"

     "In hindsight, I think I know who she was," Akane said,
grabbing a root beer out of the cooler next to Ranma's battered
lawn chair.  "Remember Ryouga saying he modified an Akane
extender?  She acted just like it.  Some memory flashes, able to
break the law, and she gets lost a lot."

     "Akane--"

     "I know, I know, 'it's not good evidence and doesn't prove
you're human since it's not 100% fact', right?"

     "Actually, sounds like a viable theory to me," Ranma said. 
"Either that or someone modified ANOTHER Akane in a similar way."

     "Which is unlikely."

     "Right.  I'm beginning to wonder if it matters if someone's
human or not.  Sure, there are inhibitor thingys, but they're
alien to the organic system of the body.  So are trademarks.  So
once you remove all the add-ons, really, what does it matter?"

     "So you think I am human?" Akane asked.

     "Maybe," Ranma said, taking a tug at the aluminum can.  "I
do know one thing, though.  I'm not."

     "Nani?" Akane blinked.

     "I can't exactly explain how I found out," Ranma said, "But
I found out what Experiment-R was."

     The first raindrops of the evening fell.  Ranma cursed
silently, folded up his lawn chair, and dragged Akane inside
where it was nice and dry.

                              *

     "That was really, really dumb, DT," Nabiki said, watching
the storm through her one way glass.  "You had orders to get out
of there if Kodachi sent the goon squad in.  Why didn't you?"

     "Come on, NT, I couldn't exactly let them get caught," Deep
Thought shrugged.

     "Why not?  You told me yourself that there would be no way
for Kodachi to trace them back to us."

     "That's no excuse to let them suffer and/or die at her
hands!" DT said.  "Call it a judgement call, maybe it was bad,
but I made it.  Not much came of it."

     "Using a Ministry of Economics rocket launcher to take the
van out.  I'd call that something.  Plus, you didn't manage to
bring back a Tsubasa for examination.  You're running out of
leads and I'm running out of time.  Time is money, and my money
is running out on this expedition.  So is my time."

     "I thought you said time was--"

     "The point," Nabiki interrupted, "Is that you've only got
two more shots for Ranma to uncover something we can use.  I
thought you assured me the Experiment-J water would get him to
aid us.  He let Hinako get away and he let Tsubasa get away."

     "He didn't exactly have a choice," DT said.  "If we wanted
Hinako, we'd be waiting a month.  If we wanted Tsubasa we'd stand
a good chance of getting caught.  Lord knows where those things
are now... I ran through the entire place with a heat tracker
looking for them, but they weren't hiding there anymore."

     "Then there goes half your leads out the window.  Put Ranma
on the Happousai case and let's put an end to this."

     "Nabiki, please, he's only been at it for a day," DT said. 
"Give the boy a chance to adjust here."

     "I thought that's why we put off calling him until today."

     "If we pile stress on him like this he'll snap.  You've got
a lot riding on this gamble, and you shouldn't take risks."

     "Risk is the only way to get anywhere in business and
government," Nabiki said.  "However, I see your point.  Alright. 
I'll permit your boy wonder a few days to recover.  Then I want
you getting him on the Happousai case.  Got it?"

     "Sheesh, pushy pushy," DT grumbled.

     "I put up with your snide comments because you're the best
operative I've got," Nabiki warned.  "Keep that in mind.  You're
dismissed.  Bring the results of Experiment-P up from the
Basement for auditing."

                              *

     "That's... weird."

     "I've heard weirder," Ranma shrugged.  "I know it's still
not 100%, but I think it's close enough to consider true.  I've
been finding lately that getting those last three percents are
incredibly hard..."

     "No reason you shouldn't pursue them," Akane suggested. 
"There's still a chance this other Ranma was lying... that he's
the clone and not you.  What were you doing down there, anyway?"

     "I got lost," Ranma said.  "But that doesn't change the
matter : I'm a clone."

     "How do you feel about it?"

     "I don't know," Ranma shrugged.  "I suppose I'm supposed to
be beating at the walls and shouting half mad rants to some
supreme being about the horror of my life, but I don't feel like
it.  I don't want to go commit suicide, or whip out an Uzi at the
post office, or any number of other expected behaviors during a
life crisis.  Do I really NEED to feel anything about it?"

     "I guess not," Akane said.

     "I think I like this idea, then.  It's not denial, it's not
acceptance, it's just failing to care about the situation.  It's
quite easy and relaxing once you get the hang of it.  You might
want to consider it too."

     "Huh?"

     "Well, your status as a species is in doubt too," Ranma
said.  "If it doesn't really matter for me, it shouldn't be a
problem for you either."

     "Hey, these are two completely different situations," Akane
said.  "I can remember my entire family life.  Not little
flashes, a continuous stream.  Just because I've got a little gap
where I was supposed to be dead doesn't make me a clone."

     "I remember everything too, at least what they wanted me to
remember," Ranma said.  "So it is the same situation."

     "But it's... it's... weird," Akane said.  "I can't
physically see myself as being some sort of cloned THING."

     "It's not so much a 'thing' as it is an ordinary person
divided off at a certain point in time," Ranma said.  "With you
being a continuation from there, which, via chaos theory, changes
considerably away from the original.  That bunk about twins
leading identical lives far apart from each other is just that,
bunk."

     "Where'd you hear something silly like that?"

     "I found a copy of this handbook, 'Coping with Cloning'. 
It's quite entertaining.  You want to borrow it?"

     "I don't need any stupid pamphlets!"

     "Hey, I'm just trying to help," Ranma grumbled.  "Sheesh. 
Do a girl a favor..."

     "I don't need your favors, okay?" Akane said.  "I'm
perfectly alright by myself, as a HUMAN, thank you very much."

     "There's no need to get mad at ME," Ranma protested.  "I'm
not the one that cloned you off.  Why'd you decide to volunteer
for this ridiculous technology with your sisters if you didn't
like the idea of walking xeroxes?"

     "I don't know!" Akane said.  "I wish Nabiki never came up
with this ridiculous idea.  Maybe I'd be back at the Ministry of
Peace, keeping the country safe instead of stuck in some
pervert's dojo without knowing who I should be."

     "Again with the pervert crack, always with the pervert
crack," Ranma said, groaning.  "For crying out loud, Akane, I'm
not a PERVERT.  I couldn't HELP but to look at you when you fell
out of that crate.  You can't stick me with a label like that
just for one incident!"

     "I can if I want!" Akane said, sticking out her tongue.

     "And THAT," Ranma said, tapping the outstretched pink thing,
"Is why you're legally Tomboy Akane Saotome.  You're so uncute
you could crack a mirror.  Why would I want to gape at something
like that?"

     "My name is Akane Tendo, you moron!"

     "I say it's Tomboy!"

     "Akane!"

     "TOMBOY!"

     "AKANE!!" Akane finished with, jumping to her feet.  "I'M
AKANE!  AKANE!  Why can't you understand!?!"

     With that, she ran out of the dining room, stomping down the
hall for her bedroom.  The entire dojo and apartment complex atop
it shook with the force of her door closing.

     Genma clicked his stopwatch, leaning in the doorframe. 
"That's a new record for you, son.  I think you're starting to
warm up to her."

     Ranma calmly tossed his empty can at his father, without
looking.  It bounced neatly off the elder Saotome's forehead.

     "That's rude, boy," Genma commented.

     "Whatever," Ranma said.  "If that kawaiikune little tomboy
wants me to shut up so bad, I'll shut up.  I don't see why I even
try talking to her anyway..."

     "Don't quit now!" Genma insisted, walking over to the table
and sitting next to his son.  "You two are just making progress."

     "How on earth do you figure that?"

     "Look at it this way.  In the beginning, the only things
you'd exchange would be insults.  Gradually the insults would
come after a few lines of dialogue.  It's gotten to the point
where you go for entire HOURS before the insults are thrown! 
That's amazing.  You're doing good, boy, keep it up."

     "You really think that, huh?"

     "Really!  Look, I know you're having your problems, but if
the trend I'm observing holds, you two'll be kissing cousins by
the end of the year."

     "That's gross, pop."

     "You get the point," Genma said, pushing up his glasses. 
"Or would you rather argue until the end of time?"

     "Aren't I supposed to?" Ranma asked, without really thinking
about it.

     "Of course not!  You're fiancees.  You're supposed to
support each other, not pay each other's medical bills."

     "Hey, I've tried!" Ranma said.  "She keeps getting mad and
calling me names."

     "And when she tries to be nice, the same thing happens in
reverse," Genma said.  "You're as much at fault as she is, but it
only takes one of you to break that pattern.  Trust me, boy.  Try
this for your father.  Put a hold on your temper and take
whatever she throws at you in stride.  Don't ignore it, don't
counter it, just accept it.  She'll see you're willing to be
sensible and will eventually calm down too."

     "You think that'd do it, huh?" Ranma asked.

     "Positive."

     Ranma thought.  Be... NICE to Akane?  The tomboy?... okay,
MAYBE, and this is a definite maybe, she wasn't that much of a
tomboy.  She was violent, though.  Could that really be cured
just by throwing a little kindness at her and sticking to his
guns?

     It would be nice not to have to yell so much...

     "Alright, I'll try," Ranma said.  "Even if it's just so we
don't get Ministry of Sanitation types bursting in here for
disturbing the peace.  We're not getting married, you know.  We
don't even LIKE each other."

     "One step at a time, son, one step at a time," Genma nodded,
with an evil smile.  "Now, there is one other thing I'd like to
mention."

     "Yeah, pop?"

     "Your training," Genma said, dropping the smile faster than
the speed of sound.  "I haven't seen you train ONCE in days. 
You've been too busy gallivanting around with that creepy looking
Yuriko person or arguing with your fiancee.  You've got a backlog
of training time to catch up on."

     "Hey, I'm still fit," Ranma said, flexing a bicep.  "Just
try me."

     Genma reached behind himself and slid the door open to the
backyard, which was already a muddy wasteland from the rains
raging outside.

     "Sorry boy, but to knock yourself into shape, you must train
solo," Genma said, grabbing Ranma by the shirt.  "OUT YOU GO!"

     Ranma tried to protest, but was soaring through the air
before he could wriggle himself free.  Please please god don't
let me land in the pond please please don't

     Splash.

     Either Neitzche was right or Ranma's guardian angel wore a
propeller beanie.

     Ranma pulled herself out of the swamp muck that had formed
in the backyard pond, rising slowly out of the slop and gruel of
mother nature and father industrial waste.  Muck dripped from her
hair in unpleasantly recognizable shapes.

     "You can come back inside when you're done!" Genma said.  "I
want you practicing your attacks for the next three hours, then
you go talk kindly with your fiancee.  GOT IT, BOY?"

     "I got it, I got it," Ranma whined, before remembering about
the voice change.

     "Your lack of training shows, Ranma!" Genma laughed. 
"You're starting to sound like a GIRL!  Ha ha ha ha ha..."

     With that, Genma slid the door shut, and locked it.

     Ranma cursed and cursed and cursed and cursed, scraping mud
off of her clothing.  The rain poured down, letting a better part
of the filth wash off, but she'd still look like bride of swamp
thing upon entering the house.  Swamp thing could be dealt with;
bride couldn't.

     How to change back, how to change back without anybody
noticing...

                              *

     Kodachi paced around her office, waiting.

     Someone was trying to find out her secrets.  She didn't
appreciate this; the very nature of a secret was that nobody knew
it beyond the person who held it, after all.  If a secret was
turned over to the public, it stopped being secret.  Kodachi
never, ever lost a secret.

     Perhaps it was Miss Hinako.  Kodachi had been trying to reel
the little muppet of destruction in for weeks now,
unsuccessfully... thirty teams she had sent out, only three
bringing the girl back; and of those three times, she'd escape
again.  However, Hinako didn't seem to have a warlike spirit, nor
did she seem to want to get involved with Kodachi again.  No,
Hinako was simply annoying, not deadly.

     The so-called Ministry of Confusion couldn't be doing it,
either.  Kodachi had seen the expert system projections of their
behavior; the painting was a surprise, but once this new data was
fed in, it projected no threat.  They'd probably find new ways to
annoy the city, but it didn't matter much to Kodachi.  Let the
Ministry of Sanitation deal with scraping off the paint,
rewelding the mailboxes carved up to resemble Nabiki, etc.

     Hmm.  Nabiki had to be behind this.  And in all probability,
Nabiki had set the situation up in such a way to prevent her from
being affected.  She had done it before, certainly -- Kodachi
could count on two hands the suspected Ministry of Economics
covert ops people she had dragged in that had no evidence of
Nabiki's involvement -- but the girl had to slip SOMETIME.  And
Kodachi would be waiting for that day, at least as long as she
had the patience for this godforsaken town.

     "Ma'am?" her intercom buzzed.  "We've got the enhanced video
from the furniture warehouse ready for your perusal.  We even
have a positive ID lock on one of perpetrators."

     Kodachi brightened, at least as far as was physically
possible for her.  "Namely?"

     "One Ranma Saotome, heir to some kind of dojo.  We have him
on file as being pulled in once before--"

     "Ranma darling!" Kodachi laughed, clasping her hands to her
heart.  "Ah, such bittersweet treachery.  That wicked Nabiki, to
use the one man I could never harm... much... as her agent!"

     "Uhhh... eh?" the voice mumbled, confused.  "Should we pull
him in again for questioning?"

     "No thanks," Kodachi smiled, slapping the OFF button on the
intercom.  Her computer displayed the digital footage, scanned
off videotape... bad quality, but her photo editing and
manipulation experts at the propaganda department could do
wonders with showing truth on film, whether it was there or not.

     Sure enough, Ranma was there, along with some other blonde
haired boy.  The crew hadn't been able to do much with the other
boy, since he had the luck not to be caught dead-face by any
cameras.  He looked a bit like Ranma, actually... perhaps someone
in a cheap disguise.

     Still... Ranma!  Nabiki simply didn't know when to give up
her discarded toys, did she?  That took balls, utilizing your own
secret project to further your cause.  It was what Kodachi had
done with the Tsubasa horde, of course, but that's what they were
designed to do in the first place.  At least until they went
brain-dead.  Poor things... such good camouflage troops they
made!  The near-perfect warrior.

     That was the problem, wasn't it?  Kodachi never managed to
make the perfect warrior species.  Hinako had been a fairly cheap
conversion, shihatzu process simply lying in the open, waiting to
be picked up by someone who could use it... but she proved too
unstable, and untrustworthy.  The Tsubasas were excellent, but
had a little problem with ignoring her orders when three o'clock
rolled around.  Perhaps ordering them to remove the strange
person they chased was a bit much, but she had little choice; her
other troops were blown to kingdom come.  Nobody else in the
vicinity could do it.

     Who shot that missile?  THAT was a threat, certainly.  It
was a direct attack upon her Ministry, one that could not be
ignored.  The time index on the tape had Ranma inside the
warehouse, as well as the blonde boy, so it couldn't have been
them.  Did Ranma darling have a third little friend accompanying
him tonight?

     There.

     A mere ghost of a shadow, standing behind the boys during
the early moments of the tape.  The photo crew must not have
noticed this third party... before her van exploded, this person
had left the camera range.

     Kodachi rolled over the brief segment of tape, back and
forth, watching the dark blob on the screen.  She tapped her
nails against the table, fourth and fifth fingers making no sound
as they tapped the ribbon dumped in a pile with her forms and
statistic files.

     She tapped the intercom on again, and pushed the button for
propaganda.

     "Propaganda," the gruff voice replied.

     "I want an enhancement on the upper left corner of tape
seven... time index 0:00 to 2:00," Kodachi said.  "I think I've
found someone I can truly let out my anger on."

     "Roger.  Do you want an ID lock and pull once we clear the
image up?"

     "Negative, Propaganda.  Too obvious.  I think I may use the
specialist on this one."

     "Ma'am, I thought the specialist died months ago..."

     "I made sure to train a new one, anticipating such a need,"
Kodachi said, eyeing a duplicate form lying on her desk.

                              *

     KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.

     "Go away, Ranma!" Akane ordered, throwing a pillow at her
door.  She returned to what she was doing.

     "It's your father in law," Genma replied, slightly muffled
from behind the door.

     "Oh!" Akane gasped, wiping her face off.  "Okay.  One
second."

     She regained her dignity, straightened out her clothing and
went for the door.  Genma filled the doorway, not seething with
rage at being treated rude.

     "Gomen, Mr. Saotome," Akane apologized.  "I just assumed..."

     "It's okay, I can understand why," Genma nodded, walking in
and closing the door.  "Ranma means well, you know.  It's just
that he's not very good with words, especially not ones to the
opposite gender."

     "Such a baka... what right does he have claiming I'm not
human?" Akane asked.  "It's like he WANTS to make me angry."

     "Actually, Akane, it's more like you want him to make you
angry," Genma grinned.

     "..." Akane started.

     "I've been observing you two," Genma noted, waving his
stopwatch around.  "You like to fight.  Shows you care."

     "I don't care for that baka!"

     "Then why have you been crying?" Genma asked.

     "I have not!" Akane sniffled.

     "Uh-huh.  I can see the riverbeds.  Don't worry, Akane, I'm
not here to insult you.  I'd just like to ask that you give my
son a chance.  If both of you can keep your tempers in check long
enough and ignore the urge to argue, maybe the dojo'll be a more
peaceful place because of it."

     "There's no way I could get along with him," Akane denied. 
"Never, ever, ever.  He's just so... SO... I don't know.  So
something that I can't explain."

     "I know you're having a problem expressing it," Genma said,
"But give it a shot.  Be nice to him for awhile.  Try for me. 
Please?"

     Akane thought.  NOT argue with that baka?  The one who calls
her names, sticks his tongue out at her, what have you... but it
would be nice, just a bit nice for a change not to need to
argue...

     "I'll try," Akane nodded, wiping her nose with a hankie. 
"Ugh, I'm a mess.  I think I'm going to go take a bath.  Mr.
Saotome?... thanks."

     Genma nodded, smiling, and headed out of the room.

                              *

     While the two children were contemplating their future,
Genma was celebrating his.

     Hah.  And that ridiculous Psychology 101 teacher said he was
no better than a D+.  Genma was busy basking in the glow of his
own ego, Genma the Relationship Doctor, Genma the Healer of
Broken Homes, Genma the Wise.  Maybe he could get a radio show!

     "Hello, you're live with Dr. Saotome... I'm listening," he
said to the air, chuckling and kicking back some beer.

     Well, okay, maybe that was pushing it.  But still... WHOA! 
Single handedly got his kids back on the path of true happiness. 
Nothing could stop the wedding now; Abigail Nodoka would be so
proud.  What could possibly go wrong?

                              *

     Ranma wiped the water out of her eyes for the fourth time.

     She couldn't believe it.  She had tried climbing the
building to no avail.  The trees snapped easily with her weight. 
The door was locked, and to rip through the paper covering was
simply unthinkable.  There was no way around to the front of the
dojo... but the bathroom window was open.  WIDE OPEN.

     How could she not notice the PERFECT escape route?!  Just
slip in there, run a hot bath, scrub up and go inside.  Sure, pop
would be mad she didn't train, but Ranma did NOT want to catch a
cold in this horrible weather.  She's go talk to Akane, see what
comes of it, and finally put an end to this weird day with a good
night's rest.  Maybe tomorrow would be a better day.

     Ranma eased herself up to the window, which was at head-
height, and pulled herself inside, expecting to land in the empty
bathtub.

     Funny, she thought on the way in, how there was steam rising
from the tub...

     Ranma plopped into the hot water, causing the tub to
overflow and water to run down the drain.  His muscles rearranged
themselves to their original positions, with little or no
reaction; Ranma was too busy reacting to the other person in the
tub, who had just reacted his presence.

     Akane squirmed away from the muddy, eye-popping Ranma,
trying to cover whatever she could.  "AIEEEEEEE!" she stated.

     "Aaaa... AKANE?!" Ranma gasped.

     "YOU HENTAI!!!" Akane screamed.  "And after I almost
considered... OOOOHHH!"

     "Whoa, hold up, Akane, I can expl--"

     " R A N M A   N O   B A K A ! " Akane thundered, rearing
back for a swing.

                              *

     Genma choked violently on his beverage as an explosion
rocked the dojo, and the housing above.  Dogs barked.  Neighbors
screamed incoherently.

     He dropped the half empty can and charged down the hall,
towards the source of the disturbance, only to see Ranma embedded
three inches into the wall, with Akane (wrapped in a towel)
trying to pull him out.

     "HENTAI!  HENTAI!" Akane shouted, slapping the dazed boy
around.  Genma quickly slid to a halt, and grabbed Akane to pull
her away.

     "Whoa!" he wheezed, using all his strength to peel the girl
away from his son.  "What happened?"

     "I was taking a bath and this peeping tom fell in from the
window!" Akane shouted, pointing to Ranma, whose eyes were
rolling around independently.  "I should have never listened to
you.  He IS a pervert, and an IDIOT!"

     "Uuurggh..." Ranma groaned, stumbling out of his impression
in the wall.  "If YOU would sit still for a minute and listen to
my explanations before getting violent, you'd KNOW what that was
all about."

     "I don't want your excuses!  I had you pegged as a weirdo
from the start, and it looks like I'm right," Akane said,
wrestling out of Genma's grip.  "I HATE YOU!"

     "That's mutual!" Ranma yelled back.  "How could ANYBODY
marry a violent maniac like you?  I'd be murdered before my
wedding day over choice of dinnerware pattern!"

     "You're the meanest... no, meanest is too POSITIVE for what
you are!" Akane said.  "Ranma, you're meaner than mean.  You're
just evil!"

     "Ehhhh... ummmm..." Genma started, not quite sure where his
mystical powers over the human psyche went.  "Can I say
something?"

     "NO!!" both kids shouted, air currents physically knocking
Genma over.

     "Look, Akane, you're can't go exploding over every little
thing I do!" Ranma said.  "Honestly, you've got to calm down once
in awhile!  You're practically wired to explode twenty four hours
a day!"

     "You're one to speak, always calling me -- and even NAMING
me -- a Tomboy," Akane reminded.  "I don't have to sit here and
take this abuse from you."

     "Neither do I, for that matter!" Ranma said.  "If I didn't
live here I'd be out the door like THAT."

     "What, so you're saying you want me to leave?" Akane asked,
snarling.

     "What?  No, but--"

     "Then fine, I'm out of here!" Akane proclaimed, stomping off
to her room.  Ranma groaned, muttered something about cuteness
and followed.

     "I just wanted to say..." Genma started, before realizing
there was nobody left to talk to.

                              *

     "Akane, you can't be serious," Ranma said, watching the
whirling ball of annoyed girl toss whatever possessions she had
into a shopping back.  "You can't move out.  Where would you go? 
You don't have a job, you don't have anywhere to stay, you don't
have any friends--"

     "I do too have friends," Akane said, grabbing her schoolbag
off the floor.  "Lots of friends.  A list.  You're not on that
list, of course."

     "I'm not surprised.  Alright, if you want to jump to
conclusions about me, storm out of here and get killed on the
streets, fine by me.  Serves you right."

     Akane paused to smack Ranma one across the cheek, and was
right back into her angry stomp towards the door.

     "TOMBOY!" Ranma called to her, rubbing his face.

     "PERVERT!" she shouted, without a backwards glance.  The
door opened, the door slammed, the building shook and that was
that.

     Hmph.  Well, it's probably better this way, Ranma reasoned. 
Clearly she didn't like life here and I clearly didn't like
having her around, yelling at me and beating me up.  Maybe now
that she's gone my life will settle down a little--

     Ranma felt himself being lifted off the ground.  He derailed
his train of thought and looked up, directly into Genma's eyes. 
If it was possible, they would have been burning red with the
very fires of hell.

     "YOU FOOL!" Genma insulted, tossing Ranma against the
nearest wall.  "What happened to calming down?  What happened to
your promise to get along with Akane?"

     "It's not my fault," Ranma objected, sliding up against the
wall.  "If she would have shut up and listened--"

     "It was BOTH of your faults," Genma said.  "And if she's
leaving this house, so are you!"

     "I wish she'd... eh?" Ranma stopped.

     "Pack and get out," Genma said, pointing to the door.  "And
you're not coming back until you've got Akane with you!"

                              *

     Akane charged blindly through the rain, not particularly
caring where the currents took her.  The water was leaking into
her open shopping bag, probably drenching her only material
possessions in life, but she didn't care about that either.

     "Ranma no baka," the muttered to herself, picking up her
running pace a little more.  Anything to get her away from that
dojo.

     She realized this was probably a mistake, but there wasn't
any turning back now.  It was expected of her to leave now and
not come back... to come running and crying after a scene like
that was simply, well, stupid.  No.  She had to keep going. 
Maybe she could get Wrong Way to put her up, or maybe go see
Gosunkugi--

     Her forward momentum resulted in a very nasty bounce as the
red-suited officer stepped out from a nearby alley.  Akane lost
her balance, and landed rear first on the wet concrete.

     Henry Tuttle Wataru stepped out after the massive trooper.

     "Out for a bit of a stroll, miss?" he asked, grinning.

                         End of File
                         Ministry of Data record GH.3704.7734.11
                         Private use only


                 Ranma 1/2 : Ministry of Confusion
                              Part 12

           A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne

     (Most characters copyright Rumiko Takahashi, obviously.  If
     I ever even considered claiming that these were my own
     characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where
     I'd be forced to eat my own lungs to live.)

-=-

     Ranma trudged along the rainy streets, her waterproofproof
shoes leaking nicely.

     Already changed into a female, insult was added to injury as
the cold rains prompted another spasm of sneezing.  Ranma reeled
from blow after blow, until finally her nose calmed down and
resumed freezing to death.

     Gee, tonight had taken a turn for the worse.  She makes a
perfectly ordinary mistake of falling into an occupied bathtub
and now she's homeless, fianceeless, and probably disowned from
the family.  Ranma had gone beyond 'angry' and was in new and
exciting levels of bitterness.

     She could see how Akane could misinterpret her actions,
though.  If Ranma was hentai enough she could have been peeking
on the tomboy, leering in far enough to fall in.  Certainly would
be normal behavior for a pervert, which Ranma wasn't.  Akane
didn't have to explode like that, though... Ranma played along
with Akane's anger, without much of an option... and now this. 
She hadn't wanted this to happen, but it had.

     As for what to do now...  she was just going to have to find
the silly tomboy.  Find her before someone else does.

     "Ah, Ranma," Yuriko waved from underneath a black umbrella. 
"Greetings.  I was just on my way down there.  What's up?"

     "Go away, Yuriko," Ranma politely requested.

     "Someone's copping an attitude.  Cheer up!  We've managed to
locate a new lead.  It's a bit earlier than I'd have liked, since
you just got off the last one, but I don't get to set the
schedule myself..."

     "Akane ran away," Ranma said, hands in her pockets.

     "...he's over at what did you say?" Yuriko halted.

     "Akane left.  We had an argument... she hit me... I yelled
at her... and she left.  That's why I'm out here instead of home
and dry and male."

     Yuriko's eyes practically popped out of their sockets.  "SHE
WHAT?  Damn!  Damn damn damn damn... DAMN.  This is bad, Saotome. 
Bad timing, bad karma.  Listen, I'll go look for her for you,
you've got a job to do.  Take this and read it."

     Yuriko reached inside her trenchcoat and pulled out a
manilla folder.  Ranma caught the underhand pass, and tucked the
file under an arm.  "What're you so hyped up about, Yuriko?  You
look like someone died.  You're paler than usual."

     "What do you think?  Akane's alone on the streets.  This is
BAD, Saotome!  BAD!  Do you know of anybody she might contact?  I
can look there first."

     "Don't panic, Yuriko.  She'll be okay and I'll find her
eventually.  She's not the kind of person that cowers in fear and
lets people walk all over her, you know, she's strong willed. 
Nobody'll mess with her."

     "I don't take chances.  Contacts?  Any?"

     "She said she met someone at a pizzeria," Ranma shrugged. 
"That's about all I know.  She might go see Gosunkugi or hole up
with Ryouga, wherever he is..."

     "I'll check local pizzerias.  You get cracking on that file. 
You know my number if you manage to catch the pervert in
question.  I'll go fire up the van and go on AkaneWatch(tm) while
you work.  I'm parked down the road," Yuriko said, fishing
through her pockets for car keys.  "I'll scan with the van and
keep the cellular line open for your call."

     "I told you, Yuriko, I'm gonna look for her.  There isn't a
problem."

     "Not now," Yuriko said.  "You've got work to do.  Get
cracking on that case, catch the guy, and call me.  You want the
truth, remember?  Don't even pretend you care more about Akane,
Saotome.  She hates you, you hate her.  You two just weren't
meant to be.  I'm headed off... remember, ring when you've got
him!"

     "Why, you..." Ranma started, but Yuriko was already several
meters down the road and accelerating, trenchcoat flapping behind
her.

     He did NOT hate her.  And she hopefully didn't hate him.

                              *

     "Akane, I'm running out of napkins," Wrong Way said, pulling