Part 1 Submitted on 10/20/96, Gary Kleppe, kleppe@lbbs.org Gary Kleppe kleppe@lbbs.org Uninvited commercial solicitations will be charged a Downloading Fee of $5000. ****************************************** * * * THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD! * * * * a Triple Takahashi Crossover * * by * * Gary Kleppe * * * ****************************************** This is a Ranma 1/2 / Maison Ikkoku crossover, with some elements of the Mermaid saga thrown in. I am not using any characters from the Mermaid books, just the existence of the mermaid flesh and its various possible effects. If you're not familiar with Ranma and/or MI, you should probably look over some of the web pages for these series for information on the characters. Don't worry if you don't know the Mermaid series, everything you need to know is explained in this story eventually. The characters and backstory of Ranma 1/2, Maison Ikkoku, and the Mermaid series are the creations of and rightful property of Rumiko Takahashi. (The same goes for the characters from other Takahashi series and one-shots who make cameo appearances herein.) This fanfic may be copied and redistributed freely, but it is not to be substantially altered or used for profit in any way. Only Takahashi-Sama has a right to make money off of these characters, and she already has enough. This is my first fanfic. Please write and let me know what you think. E-mail me (I'm currently kleppe@lbbs.org) or post to rec.arts.anime.fandom . Comment, compliment, criticize, even flame if you must (but absolutely NO bulk commercial solicitation junk E-mail! This means you!!) Key: Words in angle brackets e.g. represent unspoken thoughts. Words in curly brackets e.g. {Hey Moe! Nyuk nyuk} represent dialog translated from Chinese. Words with no brackets are translated from the Japanese. PROLOGUE (The scene is somewhere in rural China. It is a desolate, mountainous area. A caption reads "Rural China, several months ago". A young man, somewhat thin in shabby peasant clothes, is standing as if waiting for something. He spots it, namely an ordinary-looking young woman. They run toward each other as if about to embrace each other. They have lovesick expressions on their faces.) Man: Chu Mai! Woman: Yu Ren! (They embrace and kiss each other.) {You came![*]} Man: {Of course I did, darling. For you I'd go anywhere! You managed to get away from your parents?} Woman: {It wasn't easy, darling.} Man: {Your father never liked me. He said I was unstable and unreliable.} Woman: {He'll never find us after we run away to Japan. Did you get it?} (Yu Ren, the man, holds out a handful of a fishy substance.) Yu Ren: {Here it is. Mermaid flesh! Eating this will make us immortal! It's genuine, I killed the mermaid myself.} (Chu Mai, the woman, picks up a large rock while Yu Ren isn't looking her way.) {We'll be together for all eternity! Just think of it! Our love will... } OOF! (Yu Ren is hit forcefully with the rock from behind. He looks knocked out. Chu Mai's expression changes to a nasty smile.) Chu Mai: {Nothing personal, "darling". I needed you to get the mermaid flesh, but I don't think I could stand being with you another hour, much less an eternity.} (While munching on the mermaid meat, she ties the rock to Yu Ren) {Now I'm going to Japan ALONE to live forever, while you're going to drown and die!} (She drags him off to somewhere. He is obviously too dazed to resist. Our view leaves the two and pans over to see a nondescript looking man who is speaking to someone who we don't see.) Man: Well, you just missed the prologue, and I'm afraid that's the only scene of this fanfic that's going to take place here. The rest of it will be back in Japan. (We look over and see that it is Ryoga Hibiki with whom the man is speaking.) Ryoga: You mean I walked all the way here for nothing? Man: Sorry, all I can suggest is that you get back to Japan as quickly as possible. There are ten parts coming up, even you should be able to get there before the end. Or you could settle for this cameo. Ryoga: Cameo? Man: The one you're doing now. Ryoga: No way! This is Kleppe's first fanfic, I'm going to be in it no matter what it takes! Which way back to Japan? (The man points in a direction. Ryoga walks off in a perpendicular direction...) ******************** [*] - No, she didn't mean it like that... ******************** Part 1: STRANGE VISITORS (We see the familiar interior of Maison Ikkoku. We see the usual smiling face of Kyoko Otonashi. A caption reads "Maison Ikkoku. The present.") Kyoko: I just spoke to my father-in-law. Someone has arranged to rent room 2. A young woman who recently came over from China. Her name is Liang Ye Ma. She'll be attending the University in the fall, and needs a place to stay until then. (We see that it is Akemi, Yotsuya, and Mrs. Ichinose that she is talking to.) Akemi: Let's hope Yusaku can keep his hot little hands off her. Yotsuya: Indeed. A man who has been deprived for as long as he has might feel the need to take advantage of any opportunity that presents itself. Mrs. Ichinose: A poor foriegn girl might not be able to defend herself against a guy like him. Kyoko (visibly annoyed): Yusaku isn't like that! Anyway, this girl is supposed to be a martial artist. She can take care of herself. Mrs. Ichinose: Okay, but she still might not be as good at saying NO as SOME people around here... Kyoko: WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? Akemi (to Yotsuya): Touchy, ain't she? Why does she take everything so seriously? Mrs. Ichinose: It's not easy being the jealous type. Kyoko: Why would I be jealous over Yusaku? I'm a married woman. What he does is none of my business. Yusaku: (from out of shot) Hey, Kyoko! (sticks his head in through the door) That girl you're expecting? She's here. (Two women walk up carrying luggage and such. We see that they are Ranma Saotome [in girl form] and Akane Tendo. Ranma is in his formal dress, his 1970's style Chinese "people's jacket" and cap with star.) Kyoko (to Ranma): Welcome to Maison Ikkoku! I'm the resident manager, Kyoko Otonashi. You must be Ms. Liang, the martial artist? Ranma: Uh huh, pleased to meetcha. This is my friend and ... um ... sparring partner, Akane Tendo. She's helping me move. Akane: Hello! Kyoko: These are the other residents. Akemi: I'm Akemi, from room 6. Mrs. Ichinose: Ichinose, room 1. Yotsuya: Yotsuya, room 4. Yusaku: Yusaku Godai, room 5. (Ranma notices how Akemi is dressed [or rather, undressed]. Akane notices him staring and discretely but noticably elbows him.) Ranma: Tits (elbow jab!) uh, IT'S a pleasure to meet you all. Yotsuya: We are preparing a welcome celebration in your honor this evening. Ranma: Twat (another elbow jab!) uh, WHAT time? Yotsuya: It will commence at six. Ranma: Great! See you all then. (The residents head back to their respective rooms.) Akemi: D'you think those two are ... y'know, SPECIAL friends? I saw the way the one was staring at me, and the other looked jealous. Yotsuya: What else would you imagine "Sparring Partner" refers to? Mrs. Ichinose: Who knows? But if they are, it'll be more fun if we don't tell Kyoko. (Ranma and Akane are now in room 2 by themselves.) Ramna: Interesting group. Heh, think of all the people we know who would go nuts if they knew the two of us were alone together like this. Akane: Just remember why you're here, Ranma. (The scene fades into a flashback at the Tendo Dojo. A middle-aged man in a nice suit walks in. Ranma and Genma-Panda are being chased by Akane, who is carrying a pot of disgusting-looking food. Kasumi walks up to greet the man.) Kasumi: Hello! You must be Mr. Qian who phoned earlier. Qian: Yes, how do you do. Akane: Come back! You haven't even tried it! Kasumi: Father, this is Mr. Qian. He is vice-president of the Guke Pianqian company in China. Soun: (Looking at the 50-60 year old man) Kasumi, I know that you are attracted to older men, but really... Kasumi: Mr. Qian is not here because of me, father. Soun: Nabiki, then. What that girl won't do for money. Qian: Perhaps I'd better explain. I've come to ask for your help... (The Saotomes and Tendos assemble [Genma now in human form] to speak with Qian. Qian: Recently a serial killer has been striking in the Tokyo area. Five women so far, all Chinese women living alone, have lost their lives to this madman. The latest was my daughter, Li. She had been attending the University in Tokyo. Soun: I'm sorry to hear that. (similar reactions from others) Qian: Thank you. This is no ordinary killer. Take a look at these photos of some of the victims that I got from the police. (shows some photos; we do not actually see them, as the excessive blood and gore is better left to the imagination.) Soun: My god! Ranma: Whoa! (Similar reactions from the others.) Qian: As you can see, the killer used some sort of blade to cut up his victims, continuing to cut them up long after they would have been dead. Some parts of their bodies also appear to have been pulverized by sheer physical force. The killer obviously had inhuman strength. The killer was also able to slip in and out of the victims'apartments, during broad daylight. There was not one report of anybody unusual seen before any of the bodies were found. Kasumi: How dreadful! Who could have done such a thing? Qian: This is clearly not the work of anything human. The police won't say so for the record, but they think it's some sort of monster. In fact they even found traces of some unknown organic substance at the murder scenes. Something like a cross between human body cells and fish cells, they said. They've even theorized that it might be living in the sewers and that it enters the victims' rooms through the plumbing. This is beyond my experience. I came to you because I know you have fought the supernatural before. Ranma: No problem. I can take care of this thing right now. (He grabs the food that Akane had been trying to force on him earlier.) Akane: Where are you going with that? Ranma: To flush it down the toilet. If there's a creature in the sewers, this'll kill it for sure. (Akane is about to throttle him, but Genma gets to him first) Genma: Foolish boy! Have you any idea what you're saying?!? You would pour your own fiance's cooking down the toilet? To try to kill a monster?? Ranma: Uh... Genma: Think about it! If there is a monster in the sewers, where do you think it came from? It's obviously an accumulation from all the other times we've flushed her cooking! (Akane throws him into the pond; he gets up in panda form, surprising Qian) Qian (Speaking out of shot while we see the others listening sympathetically): Please defeat this monster that took the life of my little girl so horribly before her time! (We hear intense crying and sobbing after this. The view pans around and we see it is not Qian who is crying, but Soun Tendo, who was sitting next to him.) Ranma: Like I said, no problem. I mean, it's not like we haven't faced worse than this guy before. We'll beat the crap out of him, right Pop? Nabiki: Easier said than done, Ranma. Just how do you propose to find this killer? Ranma: Uh, well, I dunno. Genma: (While pouring hot water over himself; somehow he still has his clothes on) There's only one way. We'll set up a decoy. Someone who will pose as a Chinese girl and draw the killer out, giving us the chance to strike. Ranma: Pop's favorite kind of strategy. The kind that puts somebody else in danger, not him. Genma: I suppose you've got a better idea? Ranma: Well, no... I guess it's the best chance we've got. Akane: Right. You've got yourself a volunteer. Ranma: WHAT? Are you nuts? You'll get yourself killed! Akane: I'm not good enough, is that it Ranma? Ranma: Akane, you can't even boil water without causing a nuclear meltdown. (sticks out tongue) Nyaaaah! Akane: (sticks out tongue) Bleeaaah! Kasumi: What about your friend Shampoo? She really is Chinese. Couldn't she be a possible target? Nabiki: Yes, but think about what she'd want from Ranma in return for playing decoy for us. Ranma: Oh yeah. Soun: No, whoever goes has to be one of us. For the honor of the school of indiscriminate grappling style martial arts. Besides, we can't afford to share the money Mr. Qian is paying us. Our property damage insurance rates went up again last month for some reason. Ranma: Yeah, well I feel sorry for the poor sucker who has to... (Turns into a girl as Genma hits him with cold water unexpectedly) Hey! Genma: Thank you son, we knew we could count on you. Qian: "Son"? Akane: WHAT? You'll let him go but not me? Ranma (forgetting any objections he may have had): Well, of course. You'd only get in the way. I mean, not only am I a better fighter... but if looks matter anything to this killer, I'll be a MUCH more attractive target! (Akane starts chasing Ranma around the room with her Bokken.) Akane: Come back here, you jerk! Ranma: Aaaaahh! Cut it out, you uncute macho chick! Qian: Is it usually this bad around here? Kasumi: Oh my, no! Usually it's much worse. Soun: They get the job done, though. ******************** TO BE CONTINUED... Part 2: PARTY CRASHER (Back at Ikkoku, Ranma and Akane are in Ranma's room. Ranma's furnishings [what little he has] have been put in their appropriate places. Ranma and Akane are looking at a small device with a speaker on a table in the room. Ranma has already switched to informal dressing mode, still in girl form.) Ranma: Is this the two-way radio thing that Mr. Qian paid for? Akane: Yup. It broadcasts to another one in a nearby building. Our dads and I will take shifts sitting at the other end. If the killer comes, just yell into it and we'll be on our way. Ranma: Akane, you've seen what this killer does to women. If he shows up, I don't want you anywhere near him until he's beaten. Akane: So you don't trust me to take care of myself? Ranma: Not against this thing, I don't! Akane: I can take care of myself just as well as you can, Ranma. Ranma: Akane, I told you, you can't even boil water. Akane: Oh yeah? You can't touch boiling water without blowing your cover! How are you going to explain it if they see a male version of you walking around? Ranma: Hey, I got it covered. You'll see. (Leaves the room) Akane: Ooooohhh... Men! (she picks up the radio device and puts it right up to her mouth, like a microphone. Then she shouts very loudly) Men are ALL JERKS!!!!!!!!!! (Cut to a small, bare room. Soun Tendo is sitting at a desk. He is wearing a pair of headphones. His eyes are wide, and he is holding his ears in pain.) ******************** (Cut to commercial: We see a studio separated into several sets. The director's voice is heard:) Director: Anti-teen smoking commercial, take one. Cue voice-over. Voice-Over: The following is a public service announcement from the Tobacco Institute. We at the Tobacco Institute are concerned about raising the rate of teen smoking... Director: Try again, bonehead. Voice-Over: Oh, sorry. ahem We at the Tobacco Institute are concerned about the rising rate of teen smoking. Some of our friends from the world of Japanese manga are here to talk about it. Director: Cue set one! (Camera pans over to where we see a room set up like a child's playpen. Ten, from Urusei Yatsura, is there, with his girlfriend-wannabe Mako.) Voice-Over: This is Ten. He's a little boy. Like all good little kids, he doesn't smoke. Ten: I'm a good boy. I don't smoke. I do breathe fire, though. Director: Can we edit out that last remark... good, cue set two. (We now pan over to a tennis court set, where Coach Mitaka is holding his tennis racket. There are several pretty young girls with him.) Voice-Over: This is Shun Mitaka, tennis coach. He is not a kid, he is a mature adult. Just ask those girls. Mitaka: Kids shouldn't smoke before they're old enough. Take my advice. It's okay for me to smoke because I'm mature... Actually, I don't smoke myself. Director: Stick to the script, please. Cue set three! (We see a high-school type classroom set. Hikaru Gosunkugi and Akane Tendo are there in their school uniforms, at opposite ends of the room.) Voice-Over: This is Hikaru Gosunkugi; a student considered a loser or "geek" by many. The kind of kid girls like class sweetheart Akane Tendo wouldn't give a second look to. Hikaru has one thing going for him though, he has never smoked.) Gosunkugi: (very nervously) That's right, um, if you don't smoke, you can, you can, uh, be like me... Akane: (pissed off) That is IT!! (storms off set) Voice-Over: So you see kids, smoking is not for little kids. Smoking: It's the mature thing to do -- Aagh! You're not supposed to be in the control booth! Akane: All right, you! You told us this was going to be to convince teenagers NOT to smoke! (grabs director) Mitaka: You mean... Gosunkugi: ... it isn't? Akane: Oh, SHUT UP!! Gosunkugi: Akane spoke to me! (The scene breaks into general chaos, then ends abrubtly as Ten breathes fire directly into the camera. There is a brief pause, and...) ******************** (We're back to our main feature. We see a party scene, typical for MI except that [female] Ranma and Akane are present. Mrs. Ichinose is doing a fan dance amidst several empty bottles of saki. Akane is drinking and already seems a little drunk.] Yusaku: Why do we have to have the welcome party in MY room? Yotsuya: Tradition. Akemi: Your room just has good vibes for partying, y'know? Mrs. Ichinose: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Ranma: Hey, Akane, haven't you had enough? Akane: Mind your own bishiness! (She takes an empty Saki bottle and swings back as if to hit Ranma with it. Yusaku stops her.) Ranma: (He shows a photo of himself in male form.) Ranma: Take a look at this picture. This is Ranma Saotome. He'll probably be around here now and again. He's my, uh, my fiance. So if you see him around my room at odd times or anything, it's OK. Akane: Yotsuya: Akemi: Yusaku: (Yusaku starts fantasizing. In his fantasy he is close to Kyoko and putting a ring on her finger.) Yusaku (dream): Kyoko, I want you to be my fiance. Kyoko (dream): Oh, yes, darling, yes! (they embrace) I want to love you for the rest of our lives! Yusaku (dream): Oh Kyoko! (Back to reality: Yusaku has actually hugged Akane. She is none too pleased.) Akane: WHAT are you DOING? Yusaku: GYAH!! Akemi: Hey, c'mon, the kid is dead drunk. He could'a grabbed anybody. Kyoko: Mrs Ichinose: Shape up, kid. Soichiro never would've done that! Kyoko: Leave him out of this! Ranma: Who's Soichiro? Yotsuya: He was the manager's husband, until he met with a tragic accident. Ranma: Oh, that's too bad. Akane (to Akemi): Sho you're a chemical engineer? Akemi: Huh? Who told you a thing like that? I'm a waitress. Akane: You did. You said you were a Chem-E[*]. Do you always walk around dreshed like this? Akemi: Honey, I figure if you've got it, you might as well show it. After all, you never know when some rich attractive stud might come along. Akane: I'm not interested in "studs". Akemi: Yeah, we figured that might be the case. Akane: Huh? Ranma (to Yotsuya): So, um, what kind of work do you do? Yotsuya: That is a secret. Ranma: Hey, c'mon, it's not like I'm gonna tell anybody or nothin'. Yotsuya: It would be bad enough if you were to know. Kyoko: Yusaku: Akemi (to Ranma): Hey, you know, the guy in this picture looks just like you. Ranma (smiles and tries to show a look of feminine modesty): Oh, heh, you really think so? Yotsuya: It is said that married couples eventually come to look alike after many years of marriage. Ranma: I ain't married yet, y'know. Yotsuya: Perhaps one day our lovely manager may come to resemble her dear Soichiro. Yusaku: That's not funny! Mrs. Ichinose: You mean she's gonna grow fur and go woof woof all the time? Yusaku: Cut it out, will you? Ranma: Huh? Akemi: So how's about showing us some of your martial arts? Yusaku: HEY! This is my room! I don't want any rough stuff here! Yotsuya: Do not fear, young Godai. I will bring a pair of concrete blocks from my room. The young ladies may demonstrate their skill by demolishing them. Yusaku: I just know that I'm gonna regret agreeing to anything... but I guess that would be safe. And just WHY do you have concrete blocks in your room anyway? Yotsuya: That is none of your concern. (Akane sets up to break a block.) Ranma: Akane, I think you've had enough to drink. Let's call your dad and get you home. Akane: SHTOP treating me like some kind of INVALID! (Akane mentally flashes back to what Ranma said before:) Ranma (flashback): You'd only get in the way... You can't even boil water. Akane: (Akane strikes, there is a large CRASH!) Akane: JERK!! (We see the MI people looking into some sort of hole.) Kyoko: Um... are you two OK? Yotsuya: Shall we summon medical assistance? Yusaku: I knew it... (We see the block sitting where it was, undamaged. We then see Akane and Ranma, sprawled on the floor of the room below [Ranma's room]. Akane has missed the block entirely and instead broken through the floor of Yusaku's room, taking Ranma with her. There is now a big hole in Yusaku's floor/Ranma's ceiling.) Akane: So I mished the block. Sho what? (Immediately passes out on Ranma's floor) Ranma: I think we better call it a night. Yusaku: Why me? ******************** [*] - "Akemi". "A Chem-E". Get it? ******************** Part 3: GOING TO THE DOGS (Yusaku is in his apartment, obviously trying to sleep but not able to because of very loud snoring noises coming from the new hole in his floor. He has his pillow over his ears but it doesn't seem to help. Light begins to peek through the window.) Yusaku: Geez... how long is this going to go on? (Down below, we see that sleeping girl-Ranma is the cause of the snoring. He is suddenly hit with hot water and awakes with a start in male form. We see Shampoo standing over him with a kettle of water.) Shampoo: Ni hao! Ranma: Shampoo! What the heck are you doing here? Shampoo: Shampoo bring breakfast! Hot dumplings and tea! (notices Akane sleeping on the floor) Aiyaa! Akane spend night here with you? Ranma: She got drunk and passed out on the floor. Though I dunno why I should have to explain anything to you. Don't mention this to anybody. I mean Akane getting drunk. What are you doing here anyway? How'd you know where I was? Shampoo: Nabiki Tendo tell where you are. For 7500 Yen. Also make me promise not to give away secret. I tell manager I Liang Xiaojie's[*] friend from back in China. Please enjoy food! (He starts eating) (Akane quietly gets up. Shampoo watches Ranma finish the food. She smiles as if expecting something to happen. It doesn't. She smiles at Ranma. Ranma awkwardly smiles back, not knowing what's going on. Then she throws down a small box in anger.) Shampoo: Stupid thing! Why no work? (Ranma picks up the box. It is labeled in six different languages, and contains a number of tea bags. He finds the Japanese labeling and reads.) Ranma (reading): "AMAZON BRAND MAGICAL APHRODISIAC HERBAL TEA. USE ONLY AS DIRECTED" Shampoo: You drink this, you should sweep Shampoo away on winds of passion! What go wrong? Aiyou. (Ranma turns the box around and reads the fine print:) Ranma (reading, with difficulty as the type is pretty small): "WARNING! INDIVIDUALS WHO HAVE UNDERGONE SPIRITUAL TRAINING, SUCH AS MEDITATION OR MARTIAL ARTS, ARE UNLIKELY TO BE AFFECTED BY THIS PRODUCT DUE TO INCREASED WILLPOWER. FOR THESE INDIVIDUALS, PLEASE BUY NEW EXTRA-STRENGTH AMAZON BRAND MAGICAL APHRODISIAC HERBAL TEA, AVAILABLE AT STORES NEAR YOU." Shampoo: So that why. Ranma: Wait, there's more. "THIS PRODUCT IS INTENDED FOR USE BETWEEN CONSENTING ADULTS. USE ON AN UNWILLING OR UNKNOWING TARGET IS ILLEGAL AND IMMORAL IN MOST COUNTRIES. SUCH AN ACT IS THE MARK OF A PERSON WHO IS OBVIOUSLY UTTERLY DESPERATE BECAUSE SHE CAN'T TRAP HERSELF A HUSBAND ANY OTHER WAY." Shampoo: It say that? Ranma: Uh, yeah. That last part is written in Swahili, though. I had to translate it. Shampoo: You so clever, Ranma. You are... what we call in China a {smartass}. Ranma: (having not understood) uh... yeah, I guess I am at that. Shampoo: Shampoo go to work now. Great-grandmother out of town, Mousse and I very busy. You come to restaurant tonight, Shampoo give you dinner. But not bring Akane. She too violent... (At this point she and Ranma turn to see Akane, just as she throws water on both of them.) (Cut to up on the balcony, where Akemi, Yotsuya, and Mrs. Ichinose sit enjoying the early summer weather. They hear a noise from below and look down toward the building entrance. They see a cat [neko-Shampoo] fly out from the entrance at incredible speed, shooting across the street and slamming into a building. The cat is followed by Shampoo's clothes and the other stuff she had with her. Akane's voice from below yells "And STAY OUT!". They watch with mild interest. Mousse then bounds down out of the sky. He grabs the cat and bounds off with it, yelling "Shampoo! I love you!" A moment later he comes back, grabs the clothes and other items that he evidently forgot the first time, and departs again.) Ichinose: There's something you don't see every day. Akemi: That guy said "I love you" to a cat. Yotsuya: Perhaps a dead cat. It seems unlikely that an animal could have survived such an impact. Ichinose: Another case of neko-philia.[**] Akemi: Sad, ain't it. (Meanwhile, Yusaku is now happy because the noise has stopped.) Yusaku: Ah, finally. Now I can get some sleep. (He snoozes peacefully for a moment. There is a banging on his door. He is jarred out of bed. Opening the door, Yusaku sees his buddy Sakamoto, carrying his cat "Kyoko baby". Yusaku is very bleary-eyed.) Yusaku: Sakamoto. Sakamoto: Hey, Yusaku. How's it going? I have to go out of town on a family emergency. I was wondering if you would let Kyoko share your bed while I'm gone. This Kyoko, I mean. Yusaku: I really wouldn't mind but... as you can see... my room isn't a good place for animals at the moment! (points out large hole in floor) Sakamoto: I see what you mean. (Meanwhile downstairs, Kyoko comes in with a bag of groceries. Mrs. Ichinose is there.) Mrs. Ichinose: Hey Kyoko! Coach Mitaka will be here soon to pick us up for tennis! Kyoko: I'll be ready in a minute! I need to feed Mr. Soichiro! (Meanwhile outside, Ranma is exercising, doing katas and such. Mrs. Chigusa [Kyoko's mother] walks up, headed for Ikkoku when she spots Ranma. She is carrying a magazine.) Mrs. Chigusa: Ranma: Hi... how's it goin'? Mrs. Chigusa: HELLO! DO... YOU... SPEAK... JAPANESE? Ranma (imitating Mrs. Chigusa's manner): YES... HOW... ABOUT... YOU? Mrs. Chigusa: I... AM... PLEASED... TO... MEET... YOU! Ranma: THANK... YOU... I'M... FEELING... VERY... PATRONIZED... MYSELF! Mrs. Chigusa: (She goes inside and into Kyoko's room.) Kyoko: Hello, mother. What brings you here today? Mrs. Chigusa: Don't sound so suspicious! Can't a mother just visit because she enjoys being with her own daughter? Kyoko: You've come to get me to start dating again, haven't you. I've told you, I need to deal with Soichiro's death at my own pace. Mrs. Chigusa: Now what reason have I given you to think that? Here I show up just to spend a little time with my only child, and all you can do is be suspicious? Kyoko: I'm sorry, mother. You're right. I see you have a magazine. Mrs. Chigusa: This? Oh... it's nothing... Kyoko: "Koushokupolitan Magazine special edition: Guide to meeting and seducing rich eligible men". Picked this up for me, did you? Mrs. Chigusa: Why, um, however did this get here? I must have bought the wrong magazine at the store! Well, since this is of no use to me I'll just leave it here... Kyoko: Uh huh. See you later, mother. (Meanwhile, Yusaku & Sakamoto come out of Yusaku's room, still talking. Mrs. Ichinose is listening from below the stairs.) Yusaku: Sorry Kyoko, you cute little pussycat. Mrs. Ichinose: Sakamoto: That's okay, Kyoko can find somebody else's place to sleep at. Ichinose: Sakamoto: Hey, you look pretty terrible this morning. Yusaku: Yeah, like I said that girl downstairs kept me up all night. Mrs. Ichinose: (notices a couple of tea bags on the floor, where Kyoko just came in) (this she does; Kyoko is occupied with her mother and pays no attention) (Meanwhile outside, Kentaro comes out the door and pets the dog.) Kentaro: Hi, Doggy! Ranma: Hi, kid. Mrs. Ichinose (from inside): Kentaro! Why aren't you in school? Kentaro: Today's Saturday, Mom! (to Ranma) Hi! You're that new lady who does martial arts! Ranma: That's right. Mrs. Ichinose: KENTARO! I thought I told you to get to SCHOOL! Kentaro: It's summer vacation, mom! (to Ranma) Can I learn to do that stuff too? Ranma: Well, it takes a lot of practice. But if you really want to try it, talk to Mr. Tendo or Mr. Saotome at this address. (writes down address) Ichinose: KENTARO! Get to school NOW!! Kentaro: I'm going, mom! Bye, Ms. Liang! Bye, Mr. Soichiro! Ranma (looking at dog): THIS... is Soichiro? Mrs. Ichinose: Uh huh. Ranma: So that's what you meant last night?!? I know what to do! 'Scuse me a sec! (runs inside) (Meanwhile back in Kyoko's room,) Mrs. Chigusa: I can't believe you rented a room to that Chinese girl. She can barely speak the language! Kyoko: Nonsense, she speaks perfectly well. Mrs. Chigusa: Those people are all barbarians. What will happen to the property values? I've seen it happen before. Let one of these people move in, and soon you're up to your ears in all sorts of strange people. There goes the neighborhood! Kyoko: This is already a poor neighborhood. Mrs. Chigusa: Well, you'd better keep an eye on your dog out there. I hear those people still eat them. Don't be surprised if that girl tries to make dog stew! Kyoko: Mother, you really will believe anything. (Mrs. Chigusa leaves. Kyoko notices tea left by Mrs. Ichinose.) (She makes a cup of tea. Meanwhile, Ranma comes out of his room carrying a big pot of boiling water.) Ranma: (As Kyoko is about to drink her tea, Ranma runs by outside her door carrying his pot of water.) Ranma: Here I come, Soichiro, your dog days are over! Kyoko: Dog stew... ? (Face-faults and spills all tea on floor; runs out in front of Ranma, who stops with a jerk and narrowly avoids spilling some hot water on himself) WHAT are you trying to do to my DOG?!? Ranma: Lemme show you... Kyoko: No! Stay away from my dog! Do you understand me!? (Dumps Ranma's water on the ground. Again he manages to dodge the water.) (Ranma goes back to practicing. Coach Mitaka walks up.) Mitaka: Nice moves! Ranma: Thanks! Mitaka (teeth sparkling): I'm Shun Mitaka, Kyoko's tennis instructor. Ranma: Oh, hi. She'll be right back out, I think. In fact, I think this is Kyoko now. (Ranma turns around and is face to face with the other Kyoko [the cat], being carried by Sakamoto. Ranma screams.) Ranma: Gyaaaaaa! Sakamoto: ? (Meanwhile, Kyoko [the person] is coming back out, carrying dog food.) Kyoko: OK, I'm ready! Let me feed the dog and we'll get -- (Kyoko sees that Ranma has jumped into Mitaka's arms.) Kyoko: -- going. Mitaka: No! Kyoko! It's not what it looks like! (Mitaka seems about to blow up at Ranma, but he recovers his cool in time. He sets Ranma down.) Mitaka: Miss, would you please not EVER jump on me like that! Ranma: Hey, I can't help it! I'm afraid of cats! Anytime I get that close to one, I go crazy! Yusaku (just now walking out): Hi, Kyoko. Kyoko (feeding dog, not looking at Ranma & Mitaka at the moment): Mitaka: I don't know how they do things in your country, but by our standards jumping at somebody like that is just not something that's done! Ranma: I couldn't help it! Kyoko (from out of shot): Hey! No! Come back here! (We see Kyoko next to the doghouse which is now empty.) Kyoko: Mr. Soichiro! DON'T YOU CHASE THAT CAT! (Kyoko turns around to see a reverse of what she just saw: Mitaka has jumped into Ranma's arms because of the dog. Yusaku laughs.) Kyoko: ... ! Mitaka: Dogs... Ranma: Hypocrite! Mrs. Ichinose: ******************** [*] - "Xiaojie" = "Miss" [**] - I found out after I wrote this that somebody else has already beaten me to this joke. Oh well, can't win 'em all... ******************** Part 4: WHO ARE YOU? (Ranma [still in girl form] and Yusaku are eating lunch at a cafe. It's raining outside.) Ranma: Thanks for showing me this place to eat! Yusaku: No problem. I'm only too glad to see you make a fool of that asshole Mitaka in front of Kyoko! Ranma: You and this guy are both interested in her? Yusaku: Yeah. Ever since I moved into Ikkoku, I've been in love with Kyoko. All I can think about is how I want to graduate, then marry her and start a family. Ranma: Sounds like you've got your future all planned out. Yusaku: I guess so. How about you? What will you be doing ten years from now? Ranma: (thinks for a moment) No idea. Yusaku: Really? Ranma: Right now I have enough trouble trying to deal with the present. Waitress: Tea, sir? Yusaku: Yes, please. Ranma: (The waitress accidentally spills hot tea on Ranma, who goes back to male form.) Ranma: YAaaaahh!! Waitress: Oh! I'm terribly sorry ma'am .. I mean, sir! (Goes to get something to clean it with) Yusaku: ... Ranma: ... Yusaku: Who are you? (We see an exterior shot, representing "compressed time by editing" as Ranma relates what we all already know.) Yusaku: "Cursed springs of Jusenkyo"? If I hadn't seen it myself... Ranma: The girl Akane who made the hole in your floor yesterday is my real fiance. Sometimes she can be such an uncute tomboy. But other times... (Another exterior shot representing time passing) Ranma: ... So Soichiro the dog is really just a dog! Yusaku: Yeah, named after the original Soichiro who was Kyoko's husband. He passed away about six months after they got married. Ranma: Well I feel stupid! With all the weirdness I have to put up with every day, I forget to look for the simplest explanation. I guess hot water isn't gonna bring him back then. Yusaku: Nothing is. I've got to say, changing form when you get splashed with water is pretty weird! Ranma: That ain't the half of it. I have to deal with a crowd of people every day who make Yotsuya look like a nice normal guy by comparison. Well, maybe I shouldn't go THAT far... Yusaku: He is a strange one. No one's ever even found out what he does for a living, although plenty have tried. Ranma: I wonder if I could find out. Yusaku: It would be a pretty big challenge for anybody to do that. Yotsuya is pretty clever when he tries to be. Ranma: Yeah. But at least here I'm dealing with a brand new jerk. None of the people who usually cause trouble for me are going to find me here. (Ranma hears a low voice behind him "Some water, sir?" He absent-mindedly responds "uh huh". He gets splashed with water from that direction, turning female.) Ranma: WHAT'S THE IDEA, PAL? (He turns around to see that it was Happosai who threw the water. Happosai jumps up and starts fondling Ranma's breasts. Ranma is about to pull Happosai off when Yusaku says:) Yusaku: Hey! Aren't you Happosai the martial arts master? (Happosai and Ranma look surprised.) Ranma: You know this old fart? Yusaku: My grandmother's told me about him. They knew each other a long time ago. From her description I knew this had to be him. Happosai: Ha ha! And just who is your grandmother? Yusaku: Yukari Godai. (Happosai takes off, running out of the restaurant at top speed.) Yusaku: Well, Grandma is kind of unusual. Ranma: Maybe we should have her over at the dojo sometime. Yusaku: You do and it might take you a while to get rid of her. Come to think of it, Grandma gave me something that she said she got from Happosai. I never figured out exactly what it was. Maybe you'd have some idea. I'll show it to you later. Waitress: Your check sir... I mean, ma'am. (Scene fades. We see Kyoko and Mrs. Ichinose talking in Kyoko's room.) Mrs. Ichinose: So you're not upset about Yusaku's dumping you for the new Chinese girl? Kyoko: In the first place, Yusaku never had me, so he can't be "dumping" me. In the second place, I don't see any reason to believe that Yusaku and Ms. Liang are... involved. Mrs. Ichinose: How blind can you be? It's obvious. And it was gonna happen eventually the way you treat Yusaku. Leading him on but never letting him get anywhere. Kyoko: I wish you wouldn't talk that way. I have NEVER led Yusaku on! Mrs. Ichinose: Anyway, a kid like him naturally goes for a younger girl. He's probably learned all kind of weird sex practices from his college buddies. He needs a girl who'd be able to do them with him. Kyoko: Mrs. Ichinose! Really! I think you say these things just to embarass me! Mrs. Ichinose: (exits) (Meanwhile, Ranma and Yusaku are arriving back at Ikkoku.) Yusaku: So what would happen if you splashed cold water on part of your body and hot water on another part at the same time? Ranma: I haven't tried it. Yusaku: How about if you used some other liquid, like fruit juice? Ranma: I don't know, OK? Yusaku: What if you were covered with something that blocked water. Could you change your... (They enter the building. Cut back to Kyoko in her room, with the door ajar.) Kyoko: Yusaku (voice from outside room): ... sex with your body coated in grease? Ranma (voice from outside room): Maybe we'll try it later. (Kyoko face faults as the two voices recede.) Kyoko: ******************** (INTERLUDE: The scene is somewhere in suburban Japan. An attractive 17-year old girl in a school uniform is walking, holding the hand of a 5 or 6 year old boy in a striped T-shirt. There are several huge tanks of natural gas in the background. Nearby is another girl who looks identical to the first. She is locked in an embrace with a teenage boy. The boy has a pony tail, and is dressed as a warrior from sixteenth century Japan. His face has several band-aids on it. Suddenly the gas tanks explode. The four people disappear an instant before the explosion would have killed them. We pan back to see a familiar figure. It looks like he was caught by the edge of the blast, but was only knocked down and lightly singed. He is: ) Ryoga: Damn! I was going to ask those people for directions! (Ryoga gets up and starts walking...) ******************** (Later back at Maison Ikkoku, Ranma is sitting around his room in girl form, looking bored.) Ranma: (There is a knock on the door. Ranma opens it. Kasumi is on the other side with some food.) Ranma: Kasumi! Hey! Glad to see you! Kasumi: Here's your dinner, Ranma! Ranma: Want to hang around a while? Kasumi: Oh no, I'm afraid I have to get back home. Goodbye now! (Ranma closes the door. He notices a shadowy figure looking through the hole above. We see that it is Yotsuya.) Yotsuya: Greetings. Ranma: What the heck do YOU want? Yotsuya: I was merely admiring the culinary delights which your young friend has just brought you. Ranma: Don't think you're gettin' any of this! You wouldn't even tell me what kind of work you do! Yotsuya: That is for only me to know. (Ranma remembers what Yusaku said at lunch.) Yusaku (memory): Finding out what he does would be a big challenge! Ranma: I hate losing a big challenge! Yotsuya: Pardon me? Ranma: Look, you know that I could find out eventually... even if I have to keep following you around for weeks or something... Yotsuya: Perhaps. Ranma: And you know that I could hurt you pretty bad if I wanted to... so why don't you just tell me now... OR I'M GONNA GET MAD! Yotsuya (still looking blase as ever): It seems I have no choice. Allow me to partake of your evening repast, and I will tell you my story. Ranma: Sure! Yotsuya: You must promise not to divulge this information to anyone. Ranma: OK, I won't tell! Yotsuya: I work for Japanese Government Intelligence. The Domestic Surveillance division. They have assigned me to watch this establishment. Ranma: Really? What for? Yotsuya: They believe that young Mr. Godai might be a spy. Ranma: Yusaku? No way! Yotsuya: Indeed, the very idea is ludicrous. However, tracking down actual spies is a dangerous profession. I have kept up the pretense in order not to be reassigned. Many thanks. (leaves through hole) Ranma: HEY! I didn't say you could eat ALL of it! (to self) A spy. Is that really what this guy is? Yotsuya (voice from above): Don't be ridiculous. I only said I would tell you a story. I never specified that it would be a true one. Ranma: You big jerk! Yusaku (voice from above): What are you doing in my room, Yotsuya? Yotsuya (voice from above): Merely soaking up the ambiance. Ranma: ******************** Part 5: AFTER-DINNER ENTERTAINMENT (We see (female) Ranma at the MI public phone, stomach grumbling.) Ranma: Yo, Shampoo! Send me over something to eat, willya? HUH? Why not? (Now we see Ranma bounding around town. We also see an image of Shampoo in the background, indicating Ranma's memory of what she just told her.) Shampoo (memory): Great-grandmother out of town now. Mousse and I have to stay here to run restaurant. If you want food you need to come here to get it! Ranma (memory): OK, but no little surprises this time like you tried this morning. Nothing weird in the food. Promise? Shampoo (memory): OK. Ranma: (Ranma, now outside the Cat Cafe, sees a mental image of Kuno, Kodachi, Happosai, Cologne, and Ryoga. As he makes the following observation, the image changes to Mitaka, Mrs. Ichinose, Yotsuya, Akemi, and Yusaku:) Ranma: Although compared to some of the jerks I usually have to deal with, those Ikkoku people aren't so weird I guess. (Ranma does a classic face-fault as he notices that the people in the latter mental image are actually present.) Yotsuya: How nice to be appreciated. Mrs. Ichinose: Makes you feel warm all over, don't it. Akemi: Lucky we decided to head over here to keep you company. (Ranma glares at Yotsuya.) Ranma: And eating all of MY food didn't fill you up? Yotsuya: Most assuredly it did. But this establishment serves alcoholic drinks as well.[*] (They walk in to the restaurant where they are greeted by Mousse [who for once is wearing his glasses].) Mousse: Welcome! You must be the young lady from China, Liang Ye Ma! Ranma: Yeah, uh, hi. Mousse: {So of course you speak Chinese, you disgusting sack of shit!} Ranma: (Mouthes off random syllables to try to sound as if he's speaking Chinese) Mousse: Ha ha! (big smile as if making some friendly joke) {You are a womanizing cad who breaks the hearts of poor young women for his own amusement! You should have your genetalia cut off!} Ranma: (more random syllables, big smile) Ha ha ha!! (Shampoo comes up behind Mousse and whacks him upside the head. Mousse is dazed.) Shampoo: Mousse! Shampoo not let you talk that way about her future husband! Mousse (feebly): ... won't you be seated ... (A little later, Mousse is bringing out food. The MI crowd is already boozing it up.) Mousse: Large deluxe ramen. Mitaka: I had the large deluxe ramen! Mousse: I have it written down here: "Man in short-sleeve shirt: large deluxe ramen". Mitaka: Yes, but I'M the man in the short-sleeve shirt! Akemi: Don't see too well without your glasses, do you hon. Ichinose (who looks a little queasy, but is not letting it slow down her drinking): So these people are friends of yours? Ranma: Yeah. Their names are Xian Pu and Mu Cu, but everybody pronounces them "Shampoo" and "Mousse". They're both from some out-of-the-way place in China. Mousse has been in love with Shampoo since they were kids, but she won't marry the guy until he proves himself by combat. Yotsuya: Is not the idea of determining marriage rights by combat considered primitive by modern-day standards? Ranma: Yeah, well, you'd be surprised how many times I, uh, I mean my finance Ranma has gotten a challenge like this from some jerk or other. (Mousse has overheard this last remark. He calls Ranma "loser" in Chinese. Ranma does not understand and nods in assent. Mousse is happy until he turns around in time to see Shampoo klonk him over the head with a pot.) Ranma: So anyway, I really get sick of it. Mrs. Ichinose: Urp. Don't say "sick". Akemi: What's with you tonight? I thought you could hold your liquor better than any of us! Mitaka: The three bottles she had on the tennis court probably didn't help. Ichinose (looking queasy): I'll have you know that I don't get sick no matter how much I drink, and never will! Yotsuya: Then how do you explain your current discomfort? Ichinose: I've got a touch of the stomach flu. Ranma: So won't drinking aggrivate it? Ichinose: I'm not the type to let a little pain boss me around. I am a dedicated drinker. A little thing like this isn't gonna stop me. I'm willing to put up with terrible agony for the sake of being able to have a good time! Akemi: Is that so? Ichinose: Yeah. The only time I ever stopped drinking was for the nine months I was carrying Kentaro. After that, I REALLY needed a drink. Now can we talk about something else? Ranma: Yeah, like I was saying, no matter where I go, there's always somebody who wants to hurl a challenge... Ichinose: Don't say "hurl". Urp. 'scuze me, be right back. (Goes off toward bathroom) Akemi: Actually the challenge thing sounds kinda romantic. Let's have a challenge, Shun honey. If I win, you have to go out with me. If you win, I have to go out with you. (Mitaka is not amused.) Ranma: Hey, there's a guy at Furinkan who keeps trying that strategy on me and Akane. Hasn't worked for him, though. Never will either. Mitaka: There's a lesson there, I think. Yotsuya: It occurs to me that we do have two young men here who are vying for the affections of the same woman. Perhaps a challenge should be arranged to settle the matter. Yusaku: Are you saying that Mitaka and I should fight over Kyoko? Yotsuya: Well, it would provide a great deal of entertainment to some of us. Mitaka: There's other kinds of challenges, you know. Godai and I could compete in some sort of game of skill... Yusaku: Like tennis? How dumb do you think I am, Mitaka? Mitaka: Well, I guess it would be unfair of me, considering that I'm obviously the best athlete here. Ranma: Is that so? Why don't you and I have a little fighting match tomorrow? Just for fun. Mitaka: Sorry, I don't fight with pretty girls. Ranma: Who's a g... oh yeah. OK, you can fight against Ranma then. Ranma Saotome happens to be ten times the athlete you are, pal, and he'll take you on anytime no matter what your game is! Mitaka: Are you saying that he could beat me at tennis? Ranma: You got it, jerk! Mitaka: Have him meet me at the courts tomorrow at two in the afternoon. We'll see. Yotsuya: It is settled, then. Competition through a surrogate. Ms. Liang's fiance Ranma will compete on Mr. Godai's behalf against Mr. Mitaka for the right to court our manager. Ranma: Huh? Yotsuya: Is that acceptable, Godai? Yusaku: Yeah, sure, why not? (At this point Mrs. Ichinose staggers back from the bathroom. We also see that Shampoo has been listening.) Ranma: Now wait just a minute here... Mitaka: If you don't think this Ranma can measure up... Ranma: Shut up, jerk! Ranma'll wipe the floor with your butt! Yotsuya: The schools in China must be teaching a very colloquial version of Japanese. Shampoo: Oh, Liang Xiaojie been in Japan long time. Not like Shampoo. Shampoo only come here a few months ago. Yotsuya: And you, on the other hand, were taught to refer to yourself in the third person? Shampoo: Yes. Shampoo take speaking lessons from American politician Bob Dole. (Everybody says "Who?", "Never heard of him", etc.) Ichinose: What's going on? Akemi: There's gonna be a grudge match. Our little love triangle is gonna be settled by a tennis match between Shun and Ranma. Yotsuya: The outcome will determine who will have to give up on their mutual love interest. Ichinose: Those two? I didn't think... Yusaku: Oh, by the way. Remember at lunch, when I told you about the thing my grandmother gave me but I don't know what it is? [**] This is it. (Yusaku produces from his coat pocket a small reddish crystal. There is a strange glow from inside the crystal. Ranma and Shampoo look at it.) Ranma: I've never seen anything like this before. Shampoo: Aiya! Shampoo think this maybe special item. Show to great grandmother when she get back. Ranma: Yeah, that old ghoul knows all about stuff like this. Shampoo: Great grandmother is not ghoul! Yusaku: What do you think about this tennis match tomorrow, Shampoo? Shampoo: Ranma is good athlete, but he no can beat professional. Ranma: Oh yeah? We'll see! Shampoo: Shampoo think Ranma not win any sets at all tomorrow. Ranma: Well then, why don't we have a little bet of our own? For every set I win, you owe me a free dinner. Without any of your funny stuff in it this time. Yusaku: Funny stuff? Have we been eating "funny stuff"? Yotsuya: I have not been particularly amused by it. Shampoo: And if Ranma lose? Ranma: If I... if Ranma loses the match, Ranma will give his shampoo a great big kiss! (Shampoo's eyes light up on hearing this.) Shampoo: I so happy!! After Ranma kiss Shampoo, he toss aside Akane for good! Ichinose: Urp... Don't say "toss". (Cut to the group making their way home, most of them are obviously quite inebriated. Mrs. Ichinose seems to have recovered, and is BWAHAHAHAHAing most of the way. Yusaku is aside with Ranma:) Yusaku: You better not lose. Ranma: Don't worry. But there is something you can do for me before then. I need to get back at that jerk Yotsuya for eating my dinner tonight. Yusaku: Whatever it is, I love it. That guy's been a pain in my rear since I met him. (They all get back to MI. After they go up the steps, Kyoko locks the door, shuts off the hallway lights, and goes back to her room.) Kyoko: (She starts to fix said cup of tea.) (The teapot starts whistling, indicating that the water is boiling. Kyoko seems unaware of this.) Kyoko: (Yusaku is in his room, ready to sleep. He is wearing earmuffs.) Yusaku: (Cut back to Kyoko. Her water is boiling rapidly, but she apparently hasn't noticed.) Kyoko: How can they possibly say I could be jealous of Yusaku. I'm a married woman! What he does with that girl is his own affair! I mean... (She finally looks at her water, much of which has by now boiled away.) Kyoko: That's funny, I thought I put in more water than that. (Cut away to Yusaku in his room.) Yusaku: (Kyoko slurps down a cup of tea. Suddenly, she looks like she's in a trance.) (Back to Yusaku in his room.) Yusaku: (Kyoko moves up the darkened stairs.) Kyoko (melodically): Yu- sak- u... (Yusaku's door creeps open. He is not aware of it. Kyoko moves over to him and starts caressing him. He sleepily goes along with it until he realizes what's happening.) Yusaku: Wha -- This isn't a dream!?! Oh, Kyoko! (Yusaku starts to return Kyoko's advance. Abruptly, she comes out of her trance and is quite surprised at where she is. She pulls away and gives Yusaku a good slap.) Kyoko: Yusaku!! What are you doing!?! (She runs out of the room leaving Yusaku too bewildered for words, and knowing that he will never get to sleep tonight after this.) ******************** [*] - I don't know if the Nekohanten actually serves alcoholic drinks, but for purposes of this fanfic, it does. [**] - Yusaku's been playing the Hitchhiker's Guide computer game. ******************** Part 6: FAULT (After getting home quite late at night, Ranma is trying to sleep.) Ranma: (He drifts off, until loud banging sounds from above wake him up. He looks above to see that repairmen are working on the hole between Yusaku's room and his. We also see that Yusaku is sitting up, still in shock from what happened last night.) Repairman (to his assistant): Hand me my saw. No, not that, that's a hammer. Ranma: Can't you do that later, or something? Repairman: 'fraid not. We got two other jobs to get to today after this. (to Yusaku) Hope you don't mind, pal. (to assistant) No, a saw! A saw! That's a flashlight. Yusaku: No dream. Slap! Married woman. Hello. Repairman: Rough night last night, pal? Yusaku: Kiss. No kiss. Who knew? No knew. Slap! (staggers out of room) Repairman: (looking at Yusaku) That guy's got to be the most out-of-it person in the world. No! That's a screwdriver! Well maybe second most... (The sleepy-eyed Ranma goes into the bathroom, where Yusaku and Akemi are brushing their teeth. Ranma starts to do same. Yusaku looks at Ranma and spits out the rinse water he had in his mouth in shock. Ranma suddenly realizes that it's because he's shirtless and in girl form.) Yusaku: Uh... your chest... Ranma: Akemi: Actually, it IS kind of hot today... (Akemi suddenly removes her top so that she is bare-chested as well. Ranma spits out his toothpaste in surprise. Then Kyoko walks in. Ranma grabs a towel to cover up his breasts.) Kyoko: Mrs. Ichinose told me about the little contest you all agreed to last night. Honestly, I can't believe people would do such a thing in this day and age. It's barbaric! It's... it's caveman behavior! Yusaku: Well, it really wasn't my idea. I was pretty drunk at the time... Kyoko (to Ranma): I can't believe YOU are going along with this! Ranma: Well, I am a martial artist, and I have actually seen people try to do this kind of thing lots of times before... Yusaku: Actually, I'm quite sure that it was Mitaka's idea... Kyoko: I am surprised. Well, if this is what Mr. Mitaka wants, far be it from me to stand in his way. Yusaku: Huh? You mean that if he wins, you'll... Kyoko: As far as I'm concerned, if Mr. Mitaka wins his little caveman battle, he can take his prize and do what he wants with it. (She walks out, grumbling, followed by Akemi) Yusaku (to Ranma): You better win, pal. My whole life is now riding on this. Ranma: Hey, no sweat. How good can that guy be? And besides, this whole thing is just going to make Mitaka look like a jerk. Kyoko must be able to see what a jerk that guy is. She's pretty perceptive, isn't she? (pause while Yusaku considers this) Kyoko (voice from out of shot): Akemi! You're bare-chested! Put some clothes on! Yusaku: ... I'm doomed ... (Cut to Tendo dojo.) Kasumi: Father, you asked for a meeting of all of your martial arts students here this morning? Soun: I did. Kasumi: He's here. (Kentaro enters) Nabiki: You sure you're cut out for this, kid? Kentaro: How hard can it be? I'm just going to start with the basics. Kasumi: Really, Nabiki. Kentaro here is going to do just fine. Stop trying to scare him. He'll be a fine young martial artist. Nabiki: A "martial artist", is he. You have no idea. Why, I bet I won't be outside five minutes before I hear the sound of a martial artist boo-hooing and crying his eyes out. Kentaro: No way. It couldn't be that bad. I'll bet you 200 Yen you're wrong. Nabiki: You're on. (Nabiki and Kasumi exit the practice area. Kentaro goes over to Soun.) Soun: So, young man. I'm Soun Tendo. You want to learn some martial arts. Kentaro: Yeah. I don't know what you charge, but as long as it's not too much my mom will pay it to get me out of the house. I'm gonna try to get Ikuko to sign up too. Soun: Let's start with a few basic exercises. (He goes through some simple movements, and Kentaro does his best to follow along.) A young person ought to be able to protect himself and the ones he cares about, in this day and age especially. You may have heard that there's a killer on the loose who's already killed four young ladies. Kentaro: Yeah, I read about that in the paper. That's scary. Soun: It is. I have three daughters. Every time I hear about an insane killer like this, I have to worry about my girls. Kentaro: Isn't one of your girls the one who punched a hole all the way through Mr. Godai's floor? Soun: Well, yes, but Akane is a special case. I don't worry too much over her getting killed. I worry over her killing someone else. But Kasumi and Nabiki might not be able to protect themselves against this killer. The thought of him getting his hands on one of them is just too horrible for words. Poor little Kasumi and Nabiki! In the hands of an insane killer... SOB boo hoo hoo I can't stand to think about it boo hoo hoo... Kentaro: Geez, c'mon Mr. Tendo, get a grip. (Nabiki re-enters, followed by Kasumi.) Nabiki: Pay up, kid. Kentaro: But... hey, that's not fair! Kasumi: It's really not right to take advantage of Kentaro this way, Nabiki! Nabiki: This too is part of training. (Kentaro gives her the 200 Yen. Soun faints.) (Cut to Cat Cafe. Shampoo is cleaning up after breakfast. There are only one or two customers left. She pauses as she senses that someone is watching her from the shadows.) Shampoo: You! What you doing? (She slowly inches over to the counter and picks up a frying pan without looking, keeping her eye on the shadowy figure. She expertly swings the pan around and smacks the figure in the head. We see that the figure is Mousse.) Mousse: Ah... just checking back here to see if anything needs repair work. Shampoo: You lie! Shampoo told you not to spy on her! Mousse: I just wanted to watch you while you work. I love you, Shampoo! I'm loyal to you, not like that womanizer Saotome! Why, I'd never even look at another woman! (Shampoo turns him around to face her instead of the female customer he just said all that to). Shampoo: Mousse, I tell you before not to insult Ranma. You do again, I have to hurt you. Set up for lunch crowd, I go meet Ranma on tennis court. If Ranma lose, Shampoo get kiss from Ranma! Mousse: Shampoo, please stay here with me. I can make you happy. Saotome will only break your heart. He'll take your love, break your heart, then cast you aside as he goes on to his next conquest. He's no good for you, Shampoo! He's an unprincipled lecherous... (Mousse realizes he's done what he was told not to do. He backs up, expecting to get pounded. But Shampoo is calm.) Shampoo: Mousse, side wall needs repair. Call repairmen to get fixed before Great Grandmother back. Mousse: The side wall? What's wrong with it. Shampoo: There big hole in it need to be fixed. Mousse (puts glasses on, looks to where Shampoo was pointing): Huh? I don't see any hole. (Shampoo punches Mousse through the side wall, making a hole.) Mousse (feebly): ... I'll get right on it ... (Back to Tendo dojo. Dr. Tofu is having a look at Soun. Nabiki stands nearby, embarrassed. Kasumi and Kentaro are at the dining table (where Kasumi is not in Tofu's line of sight, lucky for Soun). Kentaro is eating some food and drinking lemonade.) Tofu: He'll be all right. He's just had a little too much stress. Nabiki: Stress. Yeah right. You're pathetic, daddy. Kentaro: Thank you for the food, Miss Kasumi! Kasumi: You're welcome. Would you like something from the fruit bowl to finish with? Kentaro: Sure! Let's see, you've got oranges, apples, grapes... is this a lemon? Kasumi: Goodness, no. Just an ordinary fanfic. Tofu: I'm going to use a new shiatsu technique to help you relax. (Rolls Soun up on his side) This is a new point called the Placebo Point. (He pokes Soun's back in some random spot, and Soun seems to relax) There you are, I told you it would help. Kasumi: I'd better walk you to the train station. Your mother will be getting worried. Kentaro: She'll be on her second bottle around now. Do you have any children, Miss Kasumi? Kasumi: Heavens, no. But I do want to have some someday, and I'm sure I will sooner or later... (Tofu gets a look at Kasumi. His glasses fog up. Nabiki, knowing what is going to happen, jerks her father out of Tofu's way, not bothering to be delicate.) Tofu: Why, Kasumi! Fancy meeting you here! (to Nabiki) Betty, get Kasumi a cup of tea, would you please? (to Kentaro) Now, what seems to be the problem, Mr. Tendo? You've lost a lot of weight! (He wanders out of the dojo, continuing on in this manner) Kasumi: ... of course, it may be a while yet... (Cut to tennis court. Ranma [in male form] and Akane are practicing. Yusaku is watching from Ranma's side of the court.) Akane: Okay, since neither of us has scored any points yet, we say the score is love. Got it? Ranma: Right. I've got love but I haven't scored yet. Yusaku: I know the feeling. Akane: Will you be serious?!? Pay attention, Ranma. You may be faster than this Mitaka guy, but you need to know the rules or you can't win. Ranma: I never bothered with this dumb stuff in school. If it comes down in front of this line, it's in, otherwise it's out. Right? Akane: Not that line, the other line! If you don't know where it's in or out, you won't know where to hit it! (Akane gets ready to serve the ball. Shampoo's bicycle lands directly on Yusaku's head just as Akane is serving, distracting her and causing her to miss the ball.) Shampoo: Ni hao! Shampoo come to watch husband! Akane: He is NOT your husband!! (She moves over to Shampoo, and they stare down each other) Shampoo: Why you so jealous? Akane: Who's jealous?!? Yusaku: ... uh, excuse me... (Shampoo and Akane notice that they are standing on top of Yusaku. They move, and he drags himself up) Akane: Hmph! (Goes back to her side of court) Shampoo: Shampoo come today to watch game. (Akane prepares to serve) When husband lose, Shampoo get kiss from him! (Akane gets really mad. She hits the ball. It goes a lot higher and farther than it should. Everybody's eyes look up as the ball is going, going, gone...) Ranma: That was out, right? Akane: Shut up! Just give me another ball! Ranma: I was supposed to bring more than one ball? Yusaku: Here you go. (we see Mitaka has just shown up) Mitaka: Sure you've got enough balls? Yusaku: Don't put me to the test. Shampoo: Now my turn. I serve to Ranma. (She goes over to where Akane was. Akane goes over to Ranma's side of the net) Ranma: By the way, Akane, I was wondering if you would cook lunch for me today at Ikkoku. Akane: What? Is this a joke? Ranma: No, no joke. I mean, you're always saying how I don't give your cooking a chance, so I figured now would be a good time to try it. But if you don't want to... Akane: Really? OK, Ranma, I'd be happy to. Shampoo: Here come serve! (Shampoo hits the ball. It bounces off Yusaku's forehead and comes down in Ranma's court. Ranma is surprised and is not able to return the serve. Ranma leaps over the net as Yusaku holds his head in pain.) Shampoo: Hooray! Point for Shampoo! Ranma: You can NOT bounce a serve off someone's head!! Shampoo: Where it say that in rules? This not baseball! Ranma: OK, that's it. Now I'm gonna show you my special slow ball technique. (Ranma hits a ball straight up. WAY up. Before it comes down he jumps over to the other side of the net and gets into position to return his own serve.) Akane: He's playing both sides? Shampoo: Maybe he learn from Bill Clinton.[*] (Ranma returns his serve.) Ranma: How about that, pretty good, huh? Mitaka: Too bad it was an illegal serve. Ranma: WHAT? Akane: He's right, Ranma. I told you before, you have to serve from behind that line there. You foot-faulted and it cost you the point. Ranma: AAARRRRGGH!!!! Akane: Now you've just face-faulted. That's another point. Ranma: (Throws down racket) Who made up this dumb game anyway!! ******************** [*] - This is equal time for the Dole joke in part 5. ******************** Part 7: DOOMED (Back at Ikkoku, Akane is cooking while Ranma, now in girl form, looks on. Akane seems contented.) Akane: There, it's finished! Just let it simmer for a moment. Ranma: (Above, Yusaku is in his room with Yotsuya. The hole in the floor has been covered by a piece of plywood, the repair job obviously unfinished.) Yotsuya: Should you not be at the tennis courts, cheering your stalwart champion to victory? Yusaku: The match isn't until 2. Shouldn't you be in your own room? Yotsuya: Until 2, you say. And in the meantime, the lovely young ladies seem to be fixing an elegant repast. Yusaku: Don't even think about it. Liang told me she was going to make sure that this time you weren't going to get any of her meal. I need to go make a phone call. When I get back I want you out of my room! (Yusaku goes downstairs to Kyoko's room.) Yusaku: Mind if I use your phone? Liang is expecting a call on the house phone. Kyoko: OK, help yourself. I need to run down to the laundromat. Yusaku: Thanks. (He goes into her room and dials. The house phone starts ringing. Mrs. Ichinose comes out and answers it.) Ichinose: Hello, Maison Ikkoku. Yusaku: Ahem... (disguising his voice) I would like to speak with Ms. Liang, please. Ichinose (shouting): MS. LIANG! TELEPHONE! (Ranma comes out of his room, pulling Akane along.) Ranma: Come on, Akane, this might be somebody who spotted the killer! Ichinose: I think it's Yusaku. Ranma: Don't be ridiculous. (picking up phone) Hello? Yes... Yes... Yes... (Meanwhile Yotsuya moves the plywood on Yusaku's floor and notices the empty apartment and unguarded food below.) Ranma: ... yes ... yes ... Akane: Hurry up! The food is going to get cold! Ranma: ... yes ... yes ... no ... no, I'm sorry, sir, but I'm just not interested in renter's insurance. Akane: Couldn't you have told him that five minutes ago?!? Ichinose: I could have sworn that was Yusaku's voice. Ranma: Yes ... no ... no, I'm sorry, goodbye. (Akane and Ranma get back to Ranma's apartment just in time to see Yotsuya coming out the door.) Ranma: Why, Mr. Yotsuya! You didn't sneak into my room when I was on the phone and eat our food, did you? Yotsuya: I will have my revenge for this. (Walks away.) Akane: You steal MY food and YOU talk about revenge? (Looks for something to throw at him, but finds nothing) Ooooooooohhh!! (Yusaku comes from Kyoko's room and almost runs into Akane steaming with rage. This makes him pretty nervous, but he slips past.) Ranma: Chill out, Akane. There's nothing we can do about it now. Let me wash the dishes, then I'll take you out to lunch. (A little later, Ranma and Akane are headed out, when Yusaku comes down the stairs.) Ranma: I'm taking my bath stuff. I'll need to use the bathhouse after the game. Akane: You were going to try my cooking. Thank you. Ranma: Don't mention it. I mean, it's the least I could do. Yusaku: Hey, your plan worked. Akane: Plan? (Ranma, behind Akane, tries to signal Yusaku to keep quiet, but Yusaku doesn't get it) Yusaku: Yotsuya is in a lot of pain. I don't know what you put in that food, but tricking him into eating it like that was a great way to pay him back for last night. Akane: So THAT's why you wanted me to cook today! (Gets really angry) (Outside, Kyoko is coming in carrying a laundry basket full of clothes. Girl- Ranma runs out followed by angry Akane with mallet in hand.) Kyoko: Off to the tennis courts? Ranma: I wasn't planning to get there this quickly! ... (Later, Ranma [male] is playing against Mitaka on the tennis courts. The bartender from the Chachamaru [Akemi's boss] is refereeing the game.[*]) Referee: Set point! (Ranma serves, hitting the ball easily around Mitaka to score the point.) Referee: Set to Ranma! That ties it up, folks. The next set will be the tiebreaker. (The combatants take a rest and drink water. Akane, Shampoo, Yusaku, Kyoko, and Mrs. Ichinose watch from the sidelines.) Akane: You see? Ranma isn't going to lose! Now that he's used to the game, Mitaka can't beat him. He may have started slow, but that was because he hadn't played much tennis before. Yusaku: And your beating the crap out of him before the game didn't help. Akane: Who asked you?? Shampoo: Aiyaa, it's true, Mitaka going to lose. (She goes over to the court.) Shampoo have question. What happen if one of competitors get injured so no can keep playing? Referee: Well, I guess he would lose, although maybe somebody else could take his place. Shampoo: OK, just in case, Shampoo volunteer to replace Mr. Mitaka in game if he get injured. Referee: Fine, but I don't think that's all that likely to happen. Serious injuries in tennis are relatively uncommon, and ... (Shampoo grabs Mitaka by the legs and slams him into the court hard.) Shampoo: He injured. I take over. Ranma: Hey! Whattaya call this! Me and this jerk were supposed to finish this game! Shampoo: Mitaka no can win against Ranma. Shampoo win, then you have to give kiss! Ranma: You, win against me? No way! Kyoko: I hope Shun isn't hurt. Referee: Let's just finish this before there are any more injuries, shall we? (The game starts again between Ranma and Shampoo, as Mitaka is carried off.) (Meanwhile, we cut back to Ikkoku, where Kentaro is just arriving.) Kentaro: Mom! I'm home! Akemi: Hi, kid. Your mom's not here. She went with the manager to watch the tennis game. Mr. Yotsuya's headed down there pretty soon, you can go with him if you want. Kentaro: Nah. Hey, as long as you're here and my mom isn't, maybe I can ask you something. You might think this is pretty weird, but I hope you won't laugh or tell anyone. Akemi: Would I do that? What's on your mind, kiddo? Kentaro: Do you know anything about adoption? Akemi: You mean getting a kid without going through the fun part first? Why would I wanna do that? Kentaro: Not for you, I'm talking about me! Akemi: You're already a kid! What're you gonna adopt, an embryo? Kentaro: No, not like that. I want to do it the other way around. I want to change mothers. Akemi: HA HA! That's the craziest thing I ever heard! HA! Hey, Yotsuya! Listen to this! (runs off) Kentaro: ...I hate her... (Later, Yotsuya has arrived at the tennis courts.) Yusaku: Ah, Yotsuya. I was beginning to think you wouldn't make it here at all. Yotsuya: It was difficult, after being nearly poisoned to death. Akane: Did I ASK you to steal my food?!? Shampoo: Ranma, I have secret to tell you. Shampoo pregnant with your child. Ranma (poker-faced): Forget it. You're not gonna make me face-fault again! Yotsuya: The waitress from the cat cafe has taken Mr. Mitaka's position in the competition? Ichinose: Yeah, and she's doing pretty well so far. The match is tied, but one more point will win it for her. 'course, two more points and that guy Ranma is the winner. At least that's what Kyoko said. Not like I know anything about this game. Yusaku: Don't you go to tennis class every week? What do you do there, just gossip? Ichinose: I involve myself in a meaningful exchange of information. Yusaku: Gossip. Shampoo: Mr. Yotsuya! Shampoo want talk with you. Ranma: We're in the middle of a game! Serve already! Shampoo: This just take second. (Speaks with Yotsuya in a low whisper) Shampoo need you help her win. Yotsuya: My dear lady, I am at your disposal... provided that there will be a free meal in it for me later, of course. (More whispering goes on that we can't hear.) Ranma: C'mon! (Drinks from his water bottle) (Mitaka returns, looking bruised. Shampoo gets ready to serve.) Shampoo: This MY special slow ball technique. (She hits the ball WAY up in the air) Ranma: Hey, that's gonna be EASY to return. (He gets to the right spot and waits. Yotsuya comes up with a water bottle in hand and screws the top off. Ranma notices this.) HEY! You pour that on me and I'll make you regret it, pal. Anywhere but on me, got it? Yotsuya: As you wish. (He pours it on Shampoo instead, who goes into cat form. Ranma panics, as the ball bounces in his court.) Referee: Ahem, there is no rule which forbids a player turning into a cat on the court. Match point for Shampoo. Shampoo is the winner! (Mitaka looks happy. Yusaku doesn't.) Ranma: Hey! You cheated! Yotsuya: (pondering the girl-to-cat transformation he just saw) Most remarkable. And this hot water should reverse it...? (Pours hot water on cat) Yusaku: Mitaka: According to the terms of the bet, this means a certain rival of mine will have to call it quits. Shampoo (now back in human form): Now Ranma, you kiss your Shampoo like you promise! Ranma: OK, a promise is a promise. Akane: What?!? Kyoko: Shun, is this really what you want? Mitaka: It sure is. (Ranma goes over to his bath things. He takes out his bottle of shampoo, and plants a big kiss on the bottle.) Ranma: I promised to kiss my shampoo, right? Shampoo: Oooohh... YOU TRICK ME, RANMA!! Kyoko: I had no idea. I always thought... well, if this is what you want, I wish you the best. I hope that Ranma isn't too disappointed, but he probably deserves this for being in this kind of barbaric competition in the first place. Mitaka: Huh? What do you mean? Ranma (from out of shot): Hey, wait a minute! What are you doing? No, stop! (there is the sound of water splashing) Kyoko: Now that you've won the woman you really want, I hope the two of you will be happy together. Mitaka: The two of ... ? (Ranma is screaming from out of shot.) Kyoko: You and Ms. Liang! I had thought that you were interested in me, but... Mitaka: But... that's not... I mean... (Ranma runs by. Shampoo in cat form is hanging on him.) Ranma: Get offa me! HELP!!!!!!! Yusaku: Hey, congratulations! I guess this means you're giving up on Kyoko, doesn't it? Of course, she would never want a guy who would fight over a woman like a caveman would, would she? Mitaka: I... I... Ichinose: He's starting to stutter. Yotsuya: Perhaps he has sustained a head injury? Mitaka: ******************** [*] - Why him? Because I can't think of anybody better, that's why. ******************** Part 8: MERMAID'S HEART (At the Cat Cafe, Shampoo is cleaning up the kitchen. She sees a figure watching her from the shadows...) Shampoo: MOUSSE! You keep sneaking around Shampoo, she have to hurt you! (The figure suddenly steps out of the shadows. It's not Mousse. It is a muscular humanoid figure, about 8 feet tall with a hunched back. Its flesh is grey colored and covered with visible blood vessels. It has very large bulging eyes, and a reptilian mouth with finely spaced pointy teeth. It has three clawed fingers on each hand. The left hand holds a nasty looking knife. It makes a hissing sound like a snake. Naturally, Shampoo is surprised. The monster grabs her and moves its knife in for the kill.) Monster: {CHU MAI... YOU MUST DIE!} Shampoo: {Shampoo won't be killed so easily, you foul demon!} (Shampoo reaches her arm back and picks up a big cutting knife, the kind found in most every Chinese kitchen. In one quick motion, she swings it around and plants it in the monster's heart with a force that could have stopped a truck. The monster stops moving. Shampoo pulls back to catch her breath. Just then, the monster unexpectedly comes back to life, using both hands to grab Shampoo by the neck and knife hand. Its incredible strength forces Shampoo to drop the knife. Just then Mousse comes in the room.) Mousse: Shampoo? NO!!! (Mousse goes berserk and fires a flurry of weapons at the monster. It throws Shampoo at Mousse, who is forced to retract its weapons in order not to hit Shampoo. This gives the monster a chance to run into another room. Later, Dr. Tofu, Genma, Akane, and Soun are at the cafe. Tofu is examining Shampoo. The police are also there and are examining the scene. Mousse is talking to a police sketch artist.) Artist: What was the attacker's most distinguishing feature? Mousse: um... Artist: How tall was the attacker? Mousse: uh... Artist: Can you just give me a general description? Mousse: well... um... (Girl-Ranma runs in with Yusaku.) Ranma: I came as soon as I heard. Is she gonna be OK, Doc? Tofu: She'll be fine, it doesn't look too serious. I would like to take her over for some X-rays, though. Artist: We've finished the picture. (He shows a drawing which is of a young pointy-eared woman in a tiger-striped bikini.) Ranma: You're dealing with Mr. Blind-as-a-Bat here. Why don't you talk to Shampoo instead. Artist: That is a relief. If the girl in this picture were the real killer then we'd all be in big trouble. Shampoo: (Taking the drawing materials) Here, creature look like this. (Draws) Soun: I've called her great grandmother and notified her. She should be here any time now. Akane: Who could have done this to HER? (Shampoo shows a picture which is a pretty good likeness of the attacker.) Genma: A lost soul! Akane: Huh? What's that? Genma: I've heard tales of such creatures. They are the ill result of man's attempts to defy his own mortality. Ranma: What the hell does that mean, Pop? Genma: Listen, boy! There is a legend of a species of mermaid which has been long sought after by man. Eat of the flesh of the mermaid, it is said, and you will gain eternal life. Ranma: Never die? That's crazy! Everybody's gotta die sometime! (Cologne walks in) Of course, some take longer than others... Cologne: Your father is correct, groom. Ranma: Hey, you sure got here quick all the way from China. Cologne: When my great-granddaughter needs me, I am not slow. Besides, I was only in Yokohama meeting with the restaurant supply company. Anyway, it is true that the mermaid flesh can give immortality. But only to a few rare individuals. To most people, it acts as a terrible poison. Those who are not killed outright are transformed into horrible creatures like the one that attacked Shampoo. They are called lost souls, or poisoned ones. Shampoo: It talk like it think I somebody else... it call me Chu Mai. You know this name, Great grandmother? Cologne: No, child. Soun: I see. But according to this book (he is reading a manga entitled "Mermaid's Private Parts"[*]), these lost souls are mindless creatures. Cologne: Yes, that has always been the case as far as I know. This must be an unusual variant type of creature. (Yusaku starts daydreaming about being with Kyoko. In the dream he gives her something.) Kyoko (dream): What's this, Yusaku? Yusaku (dream): It's mermaid flesh. Your beauty should be allowed to last forever. Kyoko (dream): Oh, Yusaku... (She eats it, and immediately transforms into the creature in the picture. Yusaku screams and backs up. Fortunately, it's only a dream. He realizes that he was really looking at Cologne.) Ranma: A lot of people act like that when they see her face. (Cologne bops Ranma on the head with her staff for this remark) (Now it's Ranma's turn to start daydreaming. He imagines himself on a barren world, where a sign reads "The End Of Time". He is being chased by Akane, who is carrying a big mallet.) Akane (dream): Come back here, Ranma! Ranma (dream): No way! Akane (dream): You said that you would eat my cooking if we were the last two people on Earth! Ranma (dream): I lied! Akane (dream): Insensitive jerk! Idiotic pervert! Ranma (dream): Macho chick! Uncute tomboy! ... ... (Back to reality...) Ranma: Y'know, I bet that eternal life stuff ain't all it's cracked up to be. Others: Huh? Akane: So how did this creature get away? Mousse: It ran into the bathroom, over here. (They go into the bathroom. The police are examining the area.) Police: We've found traces of the same organic material we found at the other murder sites. Mousse: This one is not a murder site! It's an "attempted murder site"! Police: Whatever. This supports our theory that this creature can travel through the plumbing, maybe by dissolving itself. Cologne: I've never heard of a lost soul able to do that. But then I've never heard of one fighting intelligently either. Akane: What about this window here? Couldn't it have climbed out that? Shampoo: Window too small for huge creature to get through without breaking. Akane: And you think it would be EASIER for it to fit through the WATER PIPES? Police: The creature's traces don't lead to the window. They go straight to the sink. There are traces on the hot water faucet here, but none anywhere near the window. Akane: The hot water faucet? Cologne: We can't be sure of anything at this point. Mousse and I will be here in case the creature strikes here again. The rest of you continue your decoy operation. Between our two groups, we might be able to catch this thing next time it shows up. Yusaku (to Cologne): Ma'am, could I talk with you a second? Shampoo: Forget it! Shampoo already engaged to Ranma! (She is taken off by paramedics; the others leave) Yusaku: WHAT DO YOU THINK I... Cologne: What is it, young man? Yusaku: It's this. (He shows her the crystal he had previously) Cologne: Hmmm... where did you get this? Yusaku: From my grandmother. Cologne: The aura is unmistakeable. What you have here is extremely rare. It is the heart of a mermaid[**], compressed and fused into crystalline form. (Yusaku is staring at Cologne in amazement.) You look startled, young man. (He continues staring) What is on your mind? Yusaku: It's just... I never imagined... I never thought I'd ever meet anyone uglier that Grandma! (Cologne bops him painfully on the head with her staff) Cologne: You heard us say that the mermaid flesh can give a person the power to return from the dead? The heart of the mermaid can be used to bring someone back from the dead, without the danger of that person becoming a lost soul. Yusaku: Return a dead person to life? Cologne: Yes. It can be used only once every hundred years or so. The glow from inside means that it is ready to be used. It must only be used on a person who died before his or her time. Someone who died of natural causes will just die again and you will have wasted your one chance. There's something else about it but I can't remember right now what it is. Yusaku: Something I'll find out about at the worst possible moment? Cologne: You catch on quickly, young man. Yusaku: I need to talk to Kyoko right away. (rushes out of the restaurant) Cologne: Hmph. Didn't even say "thank you". I guess impertinence is a characteristic of young people. He'll grow out of it, they all do. (Just then Happosai enters) Happosai: Hey there, cutie! Where's that gorgeous little Shampoo of yours? I'm looking for some fun! (Cologne smacks him into the next time zone) Cologne: ... most of them, anyway ... ******************** (INTERLUDE: We see a three-story building that looks like an apartment house. A young man wearing a warmup suit is outside. A very pretty young nun slides open a window on the top floor.) Man: Sister! Young nun: What are you doing here? Man: Sister, if I win my next fight, will you be my girlfriend? (The young nun face-faults and staggers back. An old, somewhat heavy-set nun comes to the window.) Old nun: (to man) You should not be here! Man: Oh, it's you, Sister Angela's nanny. Hi, nanny! (The old nun steps back. At this time, Ryoga comes up behind the man.) Ryoga: Excuse me, could you tell me how to get to... (The old nun reappears in the window with a bucket of water. She throws the water at the man.) Old nun: I have told you before to address me as Mother Abbess! (The now wet man turns to where Ryoga was.) Man: Sorry, what were you saying... huh? Where'd he go? He left his clothes? And was he carrying this little pig? P-Chan: Bwee! Bu-kee! (The man runs off as several broom-wielding nuns chase after him. Benny Hill music plays. Scene fades...) ******************** [*] - Parts of the body #152: The naughty bits of a mermaid. You don't wanna try and guess what the magical powers of THOSE are... ;-) [**] - For the record, the Mermaid's Heart Crystal is something I made up for this story. It is not a part of Takahashi's mermaid lore. ******************** Part 9: TO MAKE YOU HAPPY (Kasumi and Kentaro are walking.) Kasumi: I'm sorry you couldn't get your martial arts lesson today, Kentaro. Father and Mr. Saotome were called away on an emergency. Kentaro: That's okay. Thanks for walking me to the train station, Miss Kasumi. Kasumi: You're welcome. Kentaro: You don't drink, do you, Miss Kasumi? Kasumi: Of course I do. Everyone should drink at least four glasses a day. Kentaro: No, I mean alcohol. Beer, saki, stuff like that. Kasumi: Oh my, no. Kentaro: You'd make a great mother. My mom drinks all the time. You don't know what it's like to have a mother like that. Kasumi: I'm afraid you're right. My mother passed away when I was still a little girl. Kentaro: Oh, that's too bad. Kasumi: Yes, it's sad. Since then, I've been the one who does all the things that mother used to do. The cooking, the cleaning, handling father's nervous breakdowns, ... Kentaro: Don't you get tired of all that stuff? Kasumi: Oh no. I'm happy to do it. Everyone in my family depends on me. It's a wonderful feeling knowing that you can be there when the people you love need you. It's the most wonderful feeling in the world. Do you ever feel like that, Kentaro? Kentaro: I did once. A couple of years ago mom and dad drank some bad whiskey. I had to take care of them both. I guess it did feel pretty good at the time... Kasumi: See, aren't you lucky to have a family that needs you. Here's your train now. (Now over to Ikkoku, where Yusaku is just arriving. Yotsuya intercepts him as he heads inside.) Yotsuya: Ah, Godai. I must humbly request a favor of you. Yusaku: Get out of my way. I don't have time for this. Yotsuya: The workmen will be returning shortly to finish repairing the hole in your floor. Yusaku: So? Yotsuya: I ask you to delay them somehow. Tell them this is the wrong address. Yusaku: Now why would I want to do that? The sooner that hole is fixed, the better. I might even ask them to fix the hole between our two rooms. Yotsuya: But I have yet to witness our lovely Ms. Liang and her fiance carrying out any acts of passion. Yusaku: Huh? Forget it. Even if that hole does stay there, you are never gonna see Ranma and Liang together, I promise you that. Yotsuya: Obviously you know something about our two friends that I do not. Yusaku: I know that I need to talk to Kyoko. Now get lost! Yotsuya: Perhaps I can get a clue by looking through a certain collection of .GIF files that were found on your computer account.[*] Yusaku: You broke into my University computer account?!? Yotsuya: "Kyoko" as your password was not the last thing I'd have guessed. I noticed your use of the picture editor to alter the faces of some of the ladies in the pictures. The new face seems familiar. Perhaps I should post these pictures to alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.orientals? Someone there might be able to identify the face. Yusaku: All right! I'll tell you what I know! But you didn't hear it from me! (Cut over to Kyoko's room, where she is talking with girl-Ranma and Akane.) Kyoko: So you weren't serious about being the prize in the tennis match? Ranma: Heck, no! It was just a joke. We were talking about the old days when people would do stuff like this, and we thought it would be neat to sort of pretend. I guess Mrs. Ichinose got the wrong idea. Kyoko: Well, she has been known to do that. Ranma: Believe me, Mitaka is NOT my type. Akane: Are you sure? He's rich and handsome, you know! Ranma: If you like him so much, YOU go out with him! (There is a knock on the door. It is the repairmen. Yotsuya and Yusaku are right behind them.) Repairman: We've come to finish fixing the hole in the floor of room five. Kyoko: Oh, good. Go right on up please. Yusaku, would you take them up there? Yotsuya: Yes, I assure you it should be quite safe. Kyoko: ? Yotsuya: The doctor said the contamination in the room is by now at least ninety percent gone. Yusaku: What are you talking... Kyoko: He's just trying to scare you. Yusaku, Ms. Liang was just explaining about the tennis match. Yusaku: The what? Kyoko: Tennis match. The one you spent yestersay afternoon watching, remember? Yusaku: Oh, that. I'd forgotten about it. Ranma: By the way, you don't need to keep being formal and calling me "Ms. Liang". Kyoko: Oh, right. Your given name is Ye Ma, right? Ranma: Well, yeah. But my Chinese friends call me by a sort of nickname. They call me Chu Mai. Let everyone know, OK? (Everybody files out of Kyoko's room. Ranma and Akane go toward Ranma's room, Yotsuya somewhere off by himself, the others up to Yusaku's room.) Akane: Ranma, should you be using that name? That's the name that the monster called Shampoo when it tried to kill her! Ranma: That's the whole idea. I've gotta get it to come after me somehow. (Meanwhile upstairs, Kyoko and Yusaku let the workers into Yusaku's room, then talk as they walk downstairs.) Yusaku: Kyoko, I need to ask you something. I hope you won't think it's weird. Kyoko: What is it? Yusaku: You still love Soichiro, don't you? What if you could bring him back? Would that make you happy? Kyoko: Oh, Yusaku. Soichiro is gone. I've accepted that, even if I sometimes act as if I haven't. Yusaku: But just suppose he could come back. Kyoko: Of course it would make me happy. Yusaku: That's what I wanted to know. Listen, why don't we go out to dinner tonight? Kyoko: All right. Yusaku: I'll meet you here at six. I might have a surprise guest to bring along. (He leaves out the front door, as Kentaro enters) Kentaro: Hi, Ms. manager, what's going on? Kyoko: Yusaku is getting weird. Kentaro: (Entering his family's room) I'm home, mom! (He notices his mom just vomited into the sink) It's the flu again, isn't it. Mrs. Ichinose: It's OK... a few bugs ain't anything to worry about. Kentaro: Come on, mom, you need to rest. (Helps her over to lie down) You rest and I'll make dinner. Mrs. Ichinose: You, make dinner? Kentaro: Hey, I've seen you do it enough times. You took care of me when I got sick, why shouldn't I do the same for you? You are my mom, y'know. ******************** CUT TO COMMERCIAL: A pudgy man with small, timid features is sitting at a desk. He is obviously reading from a piece of paper on the desk. Man: Hello. I'm Mr. Ichinose. Regular readers of Maison Ikkoku will recognize me as the quiet husband of Ikkoku's loveable loudmouthed drunk. I'm here today to speak to you on behalf of the Society for Corporate Unemployment Maximization. This new organization is concerned about the possible reaction the general public might have when faced with widespread corporate downsizing. As you may know, in the Maison Ikkoku series, I myself was downsized from a corporate job. In the United States, downsizing is occuring more and more. Many people are critical of corporations for doing this. They say that this is just a way for companies to move already profitable industries out of the country to take advantage of what is virtually slave labor. I am here to tell you today that contrary to what you may have been told, corporate downsizings are absolutely necessary. Our companies must continue to have bigger and bigger profits. This is the only way to insure that money continues to be available for investment, so that new companies will be formed that can then in turn downsize their jobs. What should you do if you are downsized? First of all, remain calm. Turn over keys and other company property and leave the premises in an orderly fashion. If you experience severe emotional distress, ask your former supervisor to recommend a counseling service or perhaps a doctor to prescribe some medication. Think of the experience as a gateway to new opportunity. Consider a new career in the exciting rapid-service comestables industry. Or consider turning to one of the many job opportunities in extra-legal fields such as drug sales or prostitution. These can lead to further opportunities in the U.S.'s fastest growing industry, the field of prison inmate. Whatever your future career move, consider taking out a loan of as much money as your credit rating will allow. Spend this money on any consumer products that are available. This will ease the burden on companies like yours which are struggling trying to find customers who still have money to buy their products. Now here is what not to do: Do not attempt revenge or other violent action against your former supervisor or other company personnel. They are just doing their jobs. Above all, do not start or join any mass political movements whose purpose is to take power away from corporations or to force corporations to take responsibility for their actions. If everyone -- (Suddenly Kentaro enters.) Kentaro: DAD! What are you doing! Come on home! Mr. Ichinose: Wait, I have to finish here. They're paying me 10000 Yen to do this announcement. Kentaro: It's not worth it. Forget it! Mr. Ichinose: We need the money to survive. I don't want to end up turning to prostitution myself! Kentaro: Too late, dad. Why does a fanfic have to have commercials anyway. (Drags him off. Scene fades...) ******************** (We're back to girl-Ranma and Akane in Ranma's room. We hear repair work going on from above.) Akane: I need to go and take over for your father at the other apartment. Ranma: Akane, wait... before you go... When I heard about that mermaid stuff, that you eat and then you never get old, you just stay young forever, it made me think of something. I don't wanna get old. Akane: Nobody does. Ranma: I've kinda been jerking you and everybody else around on the fiance thing. See, I always thought that getting married was something that people do before they get old, and that maybe if I never decided what to do after I stopped being young, I'd just stay young. If that makes any sense. I guess I've been kind of a jerk. Akane: Yes, you have. Ranma: Hey, you don't have to agree so fast! Akane: But I can understand how you feel. I haven't really been in a hurry to face the future either. Ranma: Yeah, well, y'know, if I have to get old, which I do, I think you might not be a very bad person to get old with. Maybe. Akane: You sure know how to give a compliment, don't you. Ranma: Yeah? Well maybe if you knew how to take one... (The voice of Genma comes over the radio unit.) Genma (voice from radio): Don't stop now, son. Be a man and show her your true feelings. Ranma: POP!?! Have you been listening to all this? Akane: (Her voice tries to sound a little sultry) Wait a minute, Ranma... (The scene switches over to Genma, listening on the radio unit.) Ranma (voice from radio): Akane? What are you doing? We're both girls! Akane (voice from radio): I've waited for this for a long time... (We see Yotsuya looking down through the hole, then cut back to Genma, who is wide-eyed and listening intently.) Ranma (voice from radio): Ulp... are you sure you want to do this... Akane (voice from radio): Oh, Ranma... mmmmmmmm.... (We see that the head repairman has joined Yotsuya looking through the hole. We look down at Ranma and Akane and see that they're not really doing anything, just voice-acting in order to fool Genma.) Ranma: Akane... (Whispers) There's something I've always wanted to tell you. (Genma increases volume on the radio unit to hear.) Akane: (Whispers) What is it? Ranma: (Shouts into the radio at the top of his lungs) MY POP IS A JERK!!!!!! Akane: (normal voice) Guess I'll be going then. (to radio) I'll be right there, Mr. Saotome. Genma (voice from radio): What? What did you say? (We now see Yusaku walking purposefully down the street. He comes to a stop at a cemetary, at the familiar grave of Soichiro Otonashi. He is carrying the Mermaid's Heart crystal.) Yusaku: (Back at MI, somebody is skulking around the corridors. We can't see who this figure is, but it clearly looks human and not like the lost soul that attacked Shampoo.) Figure: Chu Mai... I've found you at last... This is the day you die! ******************** [*] - Maison Ikkoku, updated for the 90's. ******************** TO BE CONCLUDED ...Part 10: RESURRECTION (Ryoga gets to the entrance to Maison Ikkoku.) Ryoga: I actually made it! I'm here! ... Now which room is Ranma in? (Cut to Yusaku at Soichiro's grave, holding the Mermaid's Heart crystal.) Yusaku: That old lady said to concentrate on the crystal and it would work. Okay, Soichiro, old buddy. Looks like you win after all. Funny losing out to a dead guy. I finally get to see what you look like. You better take good care of Kyoko, or I'll come and put you back where I found you, hear me? OK, come on, get out of there... (some passers-by stare at Yusaku as if he were crazy. Yusaku concentrates, but nothing happens) GET OUT HERE, YOU JERK! DO I HAVE TO DIG YOU UP MYSELF?!? (By some enormous coincidence, Cologne shows up at this moment. Yusaku gets a look at her and jumps back.) Yusaku: Aaaaah! Soichiro, you're an ugly dried-up old mummy! I guess being buried for years did that to you? Or did you always... (Cologne hits him on the head with her staff) Ow! Cologne: I'm not Soichiro, you idiot! I came because I remembered what I forgot to tell you about the crystal. Yusaku: And that was? Cologne: The crystal is powered by the love of the one who holds it for the one he is trying to bring back. You cannot bring someone back using this crystal unless you truly love the person. Yusaku: That wasn't a good thing to leave out! Anything else I should have known? Cologne: No, that's it. I need to get back. (leaves) Yusaku: Yeah, thanks a lot... old witch. (Cologne zips back, bops him on the head, then leaves again) I need to give this crystal to Kyoko, then. It comes down to who she really loves. If it's this guy, the crystal'll work for her. Or maybe it doesn't work at all, and I'm being made a fool of. Well, it won't be the first time... (passers-by give him funny looks again) (Back at Maison Ikkoku, Akemi is lying on her futon, reading an issue of Koushokupolitan magazine.) Akemi: Let's see what's in this month's issue... (Her door opens, and Ryoga steps forward.) Ryoga: Ranma! I... (He realizes he's in the wrong place. He notices Akemi's state of [un]dress and gets very nervous.) Uh, ha ha! I guess I'm in the wrong room... you haven't seen a guy around here, have you? Or might be a girl? With a pigtail? Akemi: Room two downstairs, handsome. (Ryoga exits clumsily) Come again. (Meanwhile Kyoko is fixing herself a cup of tea.) Kyoko: Now what should I wear for dinner? (She takes out some clothes. She starts to change clothes as she drinks her tea...) (Back in Akemi's room, Akemi is looking through her magazine.) Akemi: Lets see... Living within your budget, by Chojo Maris... Azusa Shiga's beauty secrets... What that man of yours really wants, by Ataru Moroboshi... this magazine's really gone downhill lately! (Ryoga comes up to her doorway again) Ryoga: Uh... heh heh... how do I get downstairs? Akemi: Go down the stairs at the end of the corridor that way. (points) No, the other way. That's it! Ryoga: Thanks. Akemi: Any time. (to herself) Cute kid. About fifteen years too young, though. (Yusaku returns to MI and heads into Kyoko's room, finding the door ajar. He notices that she was in the middle of changing clothes and is currently in her underwear. He cringes, expecting to get something thrown at him for barging in like this. But Kyoko has that trance-like look in her eyes...) Kyoko: Come here, Yusaku... Yusaku: Huh? (Not bothering to cover herself up, Kyoko moves over to Yusaku. She grabs him and kisses him.) Yusaku: (Kyoko comes out of the trance and is surprised to see Yusaku here.) Kyoko: Yusaku? How dare you barge in here when I'm changing clothes! Get out!! (She looks for something to cover herself with and/or to throw at Yusaku, but he runs out first) What does he think he's doing? Is he on drugs? (Back to Ranma's room. He's sitting around when he sees somebody watching from above.) Ranma: Yotsuya? (The figure jumps down at him. It looks like the lost soul that attacked Shampoo. It is carrying a big knife, which it swings at Ranma. Ranma dodges, using the creature's momentum to flip it into a wall.) Ranma: (toward radio) Akane! It's here!! Call everyone down here! Lost soul: CHU MAI... FINALLY I'VE FOUND YOU... NOW I WILL KILL YOU... Ranma: Your killing days are over, pal! (Ranma launches a series of rapid fire kick attacks against various well-chosen spots. The impact knocks the lost soul into the room's door, knocking it off its hinges. The lost soul moves out of the doorway out of Ranma's view.) Ranma: Come back here! (Ranma steps outside but does not see the lost soul. It is above him, on the ceiling. It jumps down, grabbing him by surprise and by the neck. Its knife moves toward Ranma's neck. Yusaku comes down the corridor at this moment. He sees what's going on.) Yusaku: Oh my god... that's the... (He looks around for something to fight with, and sees the fire extinguisher. In desperation, he sprays fire foam on the lost soul. It doesn't seem to be harmed, but it is distracted enough for Ranma to kick free of its grip. Ranma launches another flurry of kick attacks, as Ryoga comes up behind the lost soul.) Ryoga: Ranma? What are you doing here? Ranma: Ryoga? This thing is a killer! It's already killed four women! Help me stop it! Ryoga: Huh? (The lost soul grabs Ryoga in his moment of confusion, and throws him into Ranma. They tumble down the corridor and land at the building entrance.) Ranma: Ryoga, watch the entrance in case the thing tries to escape. Don't let anyone leave the building. I'm going after it. Ryoga: Right. But where is the entrance? Ranma: Right here, you moron!! (Ranma runs back inside. Akane arrives, carrying a big knife, and runs past Ryoga after Ranma. Yusaku is there.) Yusaku: He went up the stairs. Follow the trail of fire foam. Ranma: Akane, please go out and wait for the others. Akane: No way! You're wasting time, come on! (They go upstairs to find Yusaku's door open. They go in. Yusaku is looking around in the corridor below when the lost soul bursts out of Ranma's room, grabs him, and throws him against a wall. Ranma and Akane see that the creature is not in Yusaku's room, and that the trail leads to the hole in the floor. They go down the hole to find a dazed Yusaku, along with Genma-panda and Soun who have just shown up. They've brought knives as well.) Yusaku: It doubled back this way... Soun: According to the books, the way to kill this monster is to cut off its head. Ranma: Split up and search. He's gotta be here somewhere. (Soun and Genma- panda go out of the room) Akane, wait here with Yusaku. Please. Akane: I'd only get in the way, is that what you're saying? Ranma: No! I... It's just... if something happened to you... if you got hurt or... (Akane is touched by Ranma's caring, but angry at his lack of confidence in her ability to take care of herself.) Akane: Ranma... (Her emotions fight for a moment, then anger is the winner.) Akane: YOU'RE the one who's going to get HURT if you don't MOVE!! (Suddenly hot water drips down from above onto Ranma. He goes male.) Ranma: Ow! HOT! (They look to see Yotsuya through the hole.) Yotsuya: I surmised that you would be better able to fight this creature in your male form. I noticed this kettle that Mr. Godai had been heating up, presumably for this purpose. I wished to observe for myself the transformation. (Ranma runs out. Akane seems to be getting an idea.) Akane: Yusaku, you weren't the one who prepared that hot water, were you? Yusaku: Huh? No, I don't know anything about it... Oh my god! Kyoko's in her room! (grabs one of the knives, runs out and down the corridor) If that thing gets its hands on her... (Yusaku runs into Kyoko's room. The creature is there, with its hands around Kyoko's neck.) Lost Soul: DIE, CHU MAI! (Back in Ranma's room, Akane finds a bowl and fills it with water.) Akane: ... That has to be the answer! (She sticks the bowl in the microwave and turns it on.) Akane: Can't boil water, can I, Ranma? We'll see... (In Akemi's room, she's still reading her magazine.) Akemi: Hey! Kosuku Hatanaka's "eat all you want and still lose weight" plan! That's more like it! (Genma-panda looks in the room. Seeing her, he holds up a sign saying "Pardon me!" and nervously exits.) Akemi: It won't be the same around here when that girl leaves... (Yusaku goes into a berserk frenzy, charging at the lost soul with his knife. His knife connects with the creature's neck, but it twists to avoid taking the full damage. It grabs Yusaku and throws him against the wall. Despite the impact, he is still able to get up. He prepares to attack again, but Ranma comes in first.) Ranma: (yells) He's here! Everybody, quick! (Akane hears this just as the microwave bell rings.) Akane: (Ranma launches a couple of thousand rapid-fire punches and kicks at the lost soul. It staggers back and collapses. Yusaku looks at Kyoko and notices she's not moving.) Yusaku: You KILLED KYOKO, you BASTARD!!! (Yusaku comes at the lost soul with his knife. Unfortunately, the creature recovers at this instant, and Yusaku's skill and strength do not match his determination. A moment later it is the creature who has the knife, and it is up against Yusaku's throat.) Lost soul: STAY BACK... OR HE DIES. (It starts backing toward the door, with Yusaku as a hostage) Yusaku: Kill it! What are you waiting for! (Akane is heard approaching through the corridor.) Akane: Ranma! (The lost soul turns to look. Instantly, Ranma grabs Yusaku away from the creature. But this gives it an opening at Ranma's throat. The creature tries to strangle Ranma, while he tries to pull its incredibly strong arms away from his neck. Akane comes up with her bowl of steaming water.) Ranma: Akane, what are you doing? I'm already a guy! Akane: And WHO said this was for YOU?!? (Akane tosses the water. Genma-panda and Soun show up. Looking in the room, they see Ranma grappling with a somewhat skinny-looking naked man. We recognise him as Yu Ren from the Prologue; he was also the repairman's assistant who we never really saw too well. Ranma easily pulls the now weak man off of him.) Yu Ren: ... you're not Chu Mei, are you... (Soun Tendo notices the fallen Kyoko and examines her. Yusaku goes to her.) Yusaku: Kyoko! Is she... Soun: Son, I'm sorry, there's nothing anyone can do. There's no pulse. The killer has claimed his final victim. Yusaku: No!!! (He takes out the Mermaid's Heart crystal) I'm not going to let her die! (He concentrates on the crystal. The red glow inside the crystal expands, enveloping Yusaku and Kyoko. It shortly fades, at which point Kyoko sits up. Yusaku is overjoyed, and collapses onto Kyoko. Everyone else is amazed.) Kyoko: Yusaku!? What are you doing? (notices everyone else) What are all you people doing here? Akane: You were attacked by a serial killer. We caught him. (Indicates Yu Ren) Ranma: So what's your story? Why did you do what you did? Yu Ren: I was in love with Chu Mai... we were supposed to elope together, to run away from China to Japan. I brought her some mermaid meat that I had managed to get. (We see flashback scenes showing what he is describing) She was just using me... She took the meat, tied me to a rock, and dropped me in a spring to drown. But then I started to change... I turned into that thing. Akane: A Jusenkyo spring. Spring of drowned lost soul... Genma: (now back in human form) Probably not drowned. A lost soul wouldn't need to breathe. It having been in the spring for a time would be enough. Yu Ren: After that I couldn't think too clearly. I had to find Chu Mai and kill her for what she did. Ranma: If she ate that mermaid junk she probably died right then and there. (By this time, Ryoga has heard the excitement and makes his way toward Kyoko's room.) Ranma: Akane, you figured out that he had a Jusenkyo curse? Ryoga: (Listening outside room) Akane: Hey, it was obvious! I mean, there were enough clues. Ryoga: Ranma: So, what the heck are we gonna do with the guy? Akane: We ought to kill him, as far as I'm concerned! (Outside, Ryoga face- faults) Soun: It's not up to us to be judge and jury. We'll turn him over to the police. They're already on their way. Ryoga: (He bursts in frantically) Akane! Please don't hate me, I was going to tell you!! (He faints) Akane: What's HIS problem?? Yu Ren: It's true, isn't it... she was dead all the time. All those people... Yusaku: You sick murderous psycho bastard... (picks up a knife) you're not killing anyone else, I'm gonna see to that. Kyoko: Yusaku! NO! Soun: Put the knife down, son. Don't do something you'll regret. Yusaku: (advances toward Yu Ren) He killed Kyoko!! Kyoko: He couldn't have! Yusaku: (advances) Why not? Kyoko: Because I'm still alive! (This makes Yusaku hesitate. Ranma grabs him and makes him drop the knife. The knife lands on the floor right next to Yu Ren, who picks it up. At this time Nabiki enters with several Police officers.) Ranma: Just drop it, pal. There's a lot more of us than you, and you can't turn into that monster now! Yu Ren: All those people I killed... they were just innocent women! Police: Put down the knife and come with us, sir. Yu Ren: NO! (He stabs the knife right into his own heart and dies. Everyone is taken by surprise at this, but Nabiki is the first to recover.) Nabiki: Well, that does simplify things. Officers, you heard this man admit to being the serial killer we were hired to catch. Do please forward a copy of your report on this case to the Tendo Dojo so we can collect our fee. I've got to be going! Police: Well, she sure is unflappable. Kyoko: Living among these people, it's not surprising. Police: We've a few questions for the rest of you. This shouldn't take more than a few hours... (Much later, Yu Ren is being buried by the local coroner. Ranma, Genma, and Ryoga look on.) Ranma: ... and that's this guy's story. Ryoga: So she doesn't know after all. Ranma: Akane is gonna figure out who P-Chan is sooner or later you know, and she's not gonna be happy with either of us when she does. Ryoga: Shut up Ranma! It's your fault I change into P-Chan in the first place! Ranma: Yeah, whatever... I hope they bury this guy deep. Hey, won't that mermaid stuff just bring him back to life? Genma: He never actually ate any mermaid flesh, boy. His transformation was only due to the spring he was put into. He won't be able to regenerate in human form. Ryoga: Spending his whole life out for revenge just because some girl dumped him into a cursed spring... what a waste. What an idiot. (Ranma and Genma look at Ryoga until he realizes what he's just said. They then walk off. We pan down, getting an x-ray view of the ground, way down to where Yu Ren is buried. Suddenly, he moves.) Yu Ren: (struggles to move himself, but his human form is too weak to move the hard ground) ******************** EPILOGUE (Back at Ikkoku, Kyoko and Yusaku are in Kyoko's room. They are relaxing and sipping beverages.) Kyoko: ... so Ms. Liang was really Ranma all along? Yusaku: Yeah, using a fake name to catch the killer. Kyoko: So I guess she, I mean he, will be leaving. Mermaid flesh, cursed springs, I never dreamed such things existed! I guess I'll be glad to see things get back to normal around here. (She notices Yotsuya peeping in through the door, which had been left ajar. She slams it shut on him.) Well, as normal as they ever GET around here... Yusaku: I got off pretty lucky. Only a few bruises. Kyoko: The doctor said I didn't have a scratch. Isn't that strange? I thought that murderer had almost finished me. Yusaku, were you really going to kill him? (takes a drink) Yusaku: I don't know. It was like I lost control of myself. I've never wanted to kill anybody. But when I thought about you dying... nothing else seemed to matter. What was it like when you were... almost dead? Kyoko: I don't remember it too well, but it was the oddest thing. I was headed toward this bright light. It gave me such a warm feeling, I felt sure I was coming home. Soichiro was there, I think. Then I remember somebody pulling me away, back away from the warmth, back into the cold. I think it was you, Yusaku! You pulled me away from the warmth! Yusaku: Geez, you make it sound like I did a terrible thing! Kyoko: It was only a dream. But I remember in the dream, feeling a warmth between the two of us. It made me want to come back. Yusaku: Kyoko, I... Kyoko: (inches closer to Yusaku) Yusaku... (Kyoko starts to kiss Yusaku. Yusaku notices the cup of hot liquid she had been drinking from.) Yusaku: (He pulls Kyoko's face away and shakes her) It's the tea. Snap out of it, Kyoko. I'm going to get some rest, see you tomorrow. (He leaves, bumping into Yotsuya who was trying to listen on the other side of the door.) Kyoko: (A little later, Ranma returns to Ikkoku, finding Yotsuya and Akemi in his room. They are eating some kind of fishy food.) Ranma: "Akane, I was wrong. You were the one who beat that guy, so thanks..." No, maybe I should say it a different way. "Akane..." (Notices Akemi and Yotsuya) Shouldn't you guys be up in Yusaku's room or something? Akemi: Nah, we can bother him anytime. Yotsuya: Would you care for some? (indicating the fishy food) I believe you are recently familiar with the various possible effects of this substance. Ranma: You mean... that's the mermaid stuff? No way! You couldn't eat that junk. Anyone who did might turn into one of those monsters! Yotsuya: Unless one already knew what effect the substance would have on oneself because one had ingested it many years ago. Akemi: Hey, get some water. I wanna see him do that sex change thing. Ranma: You're telling me that the two of you... ate that stuff a long time ago? That you're those kind of people who can't die? You're puttin' me on! Maybe I should find out by cutting you and seeing if you heal! Yotsuya: Your code of honor would not allow you to attack a defenseless foe. Besides, there is a simple way for you to prove that this is not mermaid flesh. Eat some of it. Ranma: (Taking some of the fish but hesitating) (he puts the food to his mouth but before he can eat it he faints. Akemi eats the piece Ranma was about to. Shampoo enters the room with Mrs. Ichinose.) Shampoo: (To Mrs. I.) Not worry. Amazon flu remedy work every time. (notices others) Aiyaa, you not leave any fish for Ranma! I bring deluxe fish dinner for Ranma like I promise because he win second set of tennis match. Why you eat it all? Akemi: We offered it to him, he wouldn't eat any. Yotsuya: I believe he lost his appetite. He has been under considerable stress. Akemi: Maybe he'll wake up if we splash water in his face. Mrs. Ichinose: Can't let him lie around all day like some kinda bum. This is a good neighborhood. (Up in Yusaku's room, he is looking at the mermaid's heart crystal which has lost its glow.) Yusaku: Sorry, Soichiro, old buddy. It looks like you aren't coming back after all. You can't say I didn't try. Kyoko, someday you'll kiss me like that and it won't be because of some drug in your tea. You'll do it because you really want to. Someday. ******************** * * * THE END * * * ******************** AUTHOR'S NOTES: Thanks go to Rumiko Takahashi, of course, for creating the characters and the universe(s) that I'm doing unauthorized things with. Thanks also to the many great fanfic authors whose works are collected in the archives. The enjoyment I got from all of your work motivated me to try one of my own. Thanks to people who E-mailed me after seeing earlier parts of the story, especially Ronald Chan for his useful comments. My intent here was to do a crossover that was as faithful to the original flavor of the three series as possible. As such I wanted it to end without destroying or changing the status quo of any of the series. It seemed more of a challenge and more in the tradition of Takahashi-sama to ALMOST wreck the status quo, hence the near-miss ending with Kyoko and Yusaku (not to mention Soichiro almost being brought back -- but not quite). An explanation of the Chinese names: "Liang" means two (of something); it's an MI tradition that residents' names have something to do with their room numbers. "Ye ma" with the right intonation is "wild horse", which is what Ranma meens in Japanese. "Qian" means "money". "Yu Ren" means "fool" (and sounds a little like "urine" as an added bonus). "Chu Mai" means "betrayal". I do need to make a disclaimer here: I've been friends with some very nice Chinese women in the past. On the small chance that any of them should ever read this, let me make it quite clear that THE CHARACTER CHU MAI DOES *NOT* REPRESENT ANY OF THE REAL CHINESE WOMEN I HAVE KNOWN (OR ANY OTHER REAL PERSON FOR THAT MATTER). I just needed to make up somebody really rotten to send our unbalanced friend Yu Ren off on his killing spree. I am not trying to end the mystery of what Yotsuya's job is. I thought the "domestic surveilance" idea was intriguing enough to be worth mentioning, but I don't really believe it. Personally I agree with Ranma's final conclusion, that he was lying and doesn't really have a job, he just wanders out with his briefcase now and then to keep everybody guessing. But only Takahashi-sama knows for sure. I've heard tell that there is some prejudice in Japan against Chinese. How widespread this is I'm not sure. I decided to make Kyoko's mother prejudiced in this manner, to ridiculous extremes in fact, mainly because it didn't make any sense at all for any of the other regulars. The two Ryoga interludes are scenes from The Fire Tripper (a Takahashi one-shot) and One-Pound Gospel (a Takahashi series). I hope you'll let me know what you thought of this fanfic. Gary Kleppe (kleppe@lbbs.org, kleppe@execpc.com)