gagne@locust.cic.net (Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne) -=- Ranma 1/2 : March of the Pigs Part 1 A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne (All characters copyright Rumiko-san, obviously. If I ever even considered claiming that these were my own characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where I'd be forced to eat my own legs to live.) -=- A few background notes before we begin. Recently, me and the fine folks down at the Bijou Saxon have been getting addicted to Viz's lovely dubbed Ranma 1/2 series. (I will NOT start talking about dub vs. sub, don't worry) We all agree on a few points : 1. Mousse kicks ass. 2. Happosai must die. 3. Cobain had NOTHING on Ryouga in the teen angst department. Originally this story was going to be a 'Ryouga Wanders Into Seattle' story, but I got a better idea while perusing my CD stacks and rocked with that instead. Read on and enjoy. Commentary is always welcome at gagne@locust.cic.net, and you can ftp to etext.archive.umich.edu is you want to peruse my cyberpunk humor series, A Future We'd Like to See. Depending on how well this story does, I might write more Ranma fanfic or do a FWLS/Ranma crossrip episode. (Help was slightly inspired by Ryouga, after all. Gotta dig umbrella warriors.) I will certainly be completing March of the Pigs, regardless of response. Don't worry folks; parts 2 and onward are on the way. Since I've just seen the Vizzies and read synopses (and read two, count 'em, two manga... anybody wanna donate me a few more?) some characters will be a tad OOC. Nothing worse than has been seen before in fanfic, though. I tried script format, but I'm not used to writing that way, so it'll be paragraph. Despite the nin-spin, this probably won't be very dark. I mostly liked the pun apparent in the word 'pig' which matches Mr. Reznor's lovely pork fetish. :) Plus, some songs made delightfully surreal openers, which I did in script format anyway because I liked the effect... This series is dedicated to all otakus who can't afford to pay thirty bucks for two episodes of Ranma, and to any aspiring fanfiction writers who think about stuff like replacing Kilgore in Apocalypse Now with Kunou. You are the hope of the future. -=- +-------------------------------------------+ | Mastered for optimal performance | |in readability and character recognition...| +-------------------------------------------+ +------------------------------------+ | The audience is reading | | | | #### ##### ##### ###### ###### | | ## ## ## ## ## ## | | ###### #### ## ## ## | | ## ## ## ## ## ## | | ## ## ##### ##### ###### ###### | +------------------------------------+ Night fell over Tokyo. The neon turned on downtown, as the streetlamps in the more suburban districts lit up. Nerima was as placid as usual that evening, which is to say not very placid at all. Akane was screaming. Akane backed up, bumping into the bathroom sink. She gazed on in terror as Ryouga sheepishly tried to cover himself up by sinking into the hot bath further. "Ryouga... you're... you're..." she stammered. "Err... I can explain, Akane--" "P-CHAN!!!" she screamed, in horrifying conclusion. "Kinda," Ryouga offered. The sink impacted against Ryouga's forehead, knocking him backwards into the bath with a splash. Akane yelled again. "But I've even had P-Chan in BED with me... and to think all this time it was YOU!" Akane screamed, pulling a large transdimensional wooden mallet out from thin air. "Now... let's not be too hasty," Ryouga pleaded just before impact. Ryouga was knocked through the door, slammed through a solid wall and arced across the Tendo back yard, landing in the tiny pond with a wet THUNK, dojo-bits raining down in the water with him. He crawled out, 1/8th the man he used to be, sputtering and wheezing. "I HATE YOU!" Akane shouted through the Ryouga-shaped hole in the wall. "I don't want to see you around here again! I love Ranma, not you!!" P-Chan squealed, his squeals carried off by the winds to the uncaring ears of the Tokyo evening. REC.ARTS.ANIME.STORIES PRESENTS (musical insert : Help me I am in Hell (NIN Halo 5 track 4)) P-Chan tumbled in the water, swirling around his own curse and misery, away from Akane's face in the window, towards the bottom of it all... IN ASSOCIATION WITH FANFICTION WE'D LIKE TO SEE AND NOTHING/TVT The toilet of life flushed him down, his hopes and dreams swirling by as grey afterimages, spiraling down... RANMA 1/2 : Nothing was left for P-Chan, except for his own piggy exterior and mangled wishes... MARCH OF THE PIGS "NOOOOOO!" Ryouga screamed, sitting bolt upright in his sleeping back, coated in a thin layer of sweat. He panted, looking around the makeshift forest camp site. He climbed out and stumbled to the river, splashing water on his face to chase away the nightmare... only to look back at his new reflection, and realize the nightmare would never end. A pair of eyes watched him from the trees, around ankle height. "Bwee," the eyes muttered to themselves, intrigued. A pair of blood-red eyes snapped open next to them, narrowing on Ryouga... PART 1 : ALL THE PIGS LINED UP Dawn soaked itself over the forest in its own good time. Ryouga grumbled, pulling his shirt on. It was maddening, trying to get his cooking pot boiling while in pig form... at least Ranma had opposable thumbs and could cure himself in a few minutes. Ryouga, on the other hand, was doomed to spend a lot of his life looking for heated liquids. It just wasn't fair. He had been wandering Japan for weeks now, after finally succeeding in asking Akane out on a date. She accepted... mostly because she was annoyed at another of Ranma's recent cracks about her tomboyish nature. Ranma just didn't get it. Akane was certainly no tomboy, she was a goddess to the entire male population of Furikan, Ryouga inclusive. To them, though, she was just the hottest date of the century... nobody appreciated her like Ryouga did. Only to have them separated by his own directional sense, for three weeks now... she'd probably never speak to him again for breaking the date. She'd talk to P-CHAN, of course, probably tell him what a jerk that Ryouga is, and he'd have to take it. It was the only way he could be closer to her. The curse. The curse was truly a curse of curses... if she ever were to find out who her pet piggy was, Ryouga's chances would be down the abyss faster than nine point eight meters per second per second. The curse of his own guidance as well, keeping them apart in time and space. Finally, the curse of RANMA, the ultimate reason for his agony and the constant stumbling block in his attempts to win the heart of the fair Akane... "RANMA SAOTOME!" Ryouga called to the winds, which were always very receptive to his war cries, "TODAY IS THE DAY I WILL CRUSH YOU!" The wind responded with a high pitched whine, that of an incoming object, and a soccer ball bounced off Ryouga's head, throwing him off balance. He quickly recovered, and looked around to check the source of the offending sports equipment. "Ryouga?" Ukyou asked, walking in from between the trees, in her school gym uniform. "What're you doing here?" "Ukyou?" Ryouga asked, confused. "What are you doing in Okinawa?" "Okinawa? You're in the woods behind the school, silly. Where'd the ball go?" Ryouga pointed weakly, and Ukyou quickly grabbed the ball. "By the way," she said, pausing in her exit, "I couldn't help but overhear you there. Could you do me a favor and crush Ran-chan tomorrow? I've got this new recipe of okonomiyaki I want to try on him, since Akane is supposedly cooking dinner for them tonight." "Revenge has no set times," Ryouga said testily, crossing his arms. "That's great! So you'll crush him tomorrow instead. Thanks! Drop by Ucchan's for a free lunch sometime," she said, waving and heading back towards the athletic field. "Er..." Ryouga started, but the chef was already gone. Great. He was tricked into promising not to pound Ranma today. He could wait, though; he had waited so long already, he could certainly wait another day. "I'll just count the minutes until tomorrow, then go find Ranma and destroy him," Ryouga concluded, pulling an old stopwatch from his backpack. Time passed. "One," he counted. "Bwee," a voice near his ankle offered. Ryouga looked down. Nudging his foot was a small white piglet, freshly groomed with a cute bow tied around its neck. "Hey there," he said, scratching it behind the ears. "You lost? Sorry I can't be of much help. I'm too busy counting. One point three." "Bweee!" it pleaded. "Not now. One point four." The piglet helpfully bit Ryouga's leg. Ryouga yelped, jumping away from the piglet. It glared at him, desiring attention. Ryouga backed off, palming his stopwatch. The piglet advanced, and began chasing him around the campsite, bweeing all the way. "I don't have time for this!" Ryouga complained, and squatted down to scoop up the piglet. He carried it, squealing, to a nearby tree and in a yellow-and-black blur had it tied to the trunk and gagged. "That's better. Now I need to start over. Zero point--" The ground shook as a bass-loaded growl of anger floated out of the trees. Ryouga turned slowly, and was greeted by a pair of red eyes, glowing fire-red in malevolence. The eyes charged, a brown blur that whipped by Ryouga at near sonic speeds. The blur skidded to a halt, turning around to make another pass. "A boar?" Ryouga asked, intrigued. The mohawked boar growled at him, tusks gleaming, as it charged. Ryouga was trampled, leaving a perfectly straight line of hoofprints up his frontside. The boar slid to a halt, quite pleased with itself. It began banging on the tree Ryouga had tied the piglet to, trying to knock it over. "Alright..." Ryouga growled, getting back to his feet and bearing his poor dental work at the boar. "If it's a fight you want..." Ryouga slowly and deliberately pulled out his depleted uranium umbrella, holding it ahead of him like the most majestic of swords. The umbrella clearly WANTED to glint light and make a pingggg noise, if it could. This wasn't an umbrella for keeping the rain and shine away, it was an umbrella for bashing heads in a graceful yet devastating manner. The boar snorted, and reared back for another charge, legs spinning into a blur as it bolted forward. Ryouga was ready for it, and deflected the charging animal with a simple flick of the wrist, sending it sprawling into his cooking pot. Hot water splashed over the area, putting the fire out. "Hmph. Weak attack, pig," Ryouga gloated before two meaty hands wrapped around his neck and lifted him two feet off the ground. "Pig?" a mohawked man laughed, keeping Ryouga aloft with his grip. "You're one to talk, pal." Ryouga regained his wits and pried the man's fingers apart. The man stood there, naked and unalarmed. "You wanna fight, I don't. Just talk. You go get water and start boiling it for us," he motioned, pointing to the river. "I gotta go get our pack." Ryouga, enraged already, was in no mood to play fetch for this man. The man shrugged, picked him up and tossed him in the river. P-Chan scrambled up the banks as the man finished changing into his clothes, donning a cowboy hat and a t-shirt reading HOW'S YOUR PORK?. The man blinked at the sopping wet piglet. "Crap. Sorry, forgot. I'll get the water myself," he said, taking Ryouga's cooking pot and filling it at the river, avoiding P-Chan's claws and teeth. He plunked it on the fire and calmly waited for it to boil. P-Chan walked up beside the man, dejected, and sat down. Not much else he could do, until the water was done. The man tested the water with his pinky finger. "Hot enough," he grunted, and poured a little on Ryouga, turning around to allow Ryouga to get dressed. "It's a good pot. Boils quick. Beats my canteen by far." "Who are you, anyway?" Ryouga asked, grabbing his umbrella off the ground. "Just wandering," the man said, starting to go through Ryouga's campsite. "You got any smokes? Food? Something other than hot water?" "Hey! That's my stuff!" Ryouga protested. The man held him at arms length. "Lesse... instant ramen... some postcards... beef jerky! Jackpot!" he said, pulling out a ziplock baggie. "Here, take the water. I'd advise ducking after you do it." "Do what?" Ryouga asked, grasping the warm pot. "Change her back," the man said, pointing to the piglet tied to the tree. "I don't think she'll be in a rather good mood--" Ryouga had already started dousing the pet-show piglet with water. The piglet grew in less than a second, breaking the weak knots in the bandannas. She reached out and throttled Ryouga. "I came here to have a simple conversation and you TIE ME TO A TREE?!" she exclaimed, ratting the boy around. "Sheesh, Charlotte, go put your dress on," the man said, reaching into his pack and tossing a blue garment at the girl. "You'll either strangle the boy or embarrass him to death." "Hmm? Oh," she said, looking down at herself. "One second." She pounced for the trees, grabbing the gown on her way there, leaping like a jaguar and vanishing into the underbrush. She emerged a second later, clad in a simple long dress that matched the color of the blue bow in her hair. "Sorry about that," she said. "Jusenkyo side effect. You'd think whoever designed those pools would at least include your outfit in the transformation... that's how it's done in cartoons, at least... not proper magic by any standard..." "J... jusenkyo?" Ryouga stammered. "You two are cursed?" "Just as much as you," Charlotte said, grinning. "Hey, *I*'m not cursed," Ryouga protested. "Hardly. We saw your little problem this morning," Charlotte smiled. Ryouga slumped down, head in his hands. "Okay, I'm cursed. I admit it. It's the horror of my existence. The one thing that keeps me away from my only love in life..." "Beef jerky?" the man suggested. "Don't be crass, Buford," Charlotte scolded. "He means the girl he mentioned earlier. Akane, right?" "You have no idea," Ryouga said. "It's awful. She thinks I'm her pet pig. It's the only time I get to spend with her, because of that stupid fiancee of hers knowing about me. I'm supposed to be out on a date with her... three weeks ago. I've been lost since." "Ooch," the girl admitted. "It's so depressing... I just... want to... ARGH! ROARING LION BULLET!!!" Ryouga screamed, casting a ki-blast off in a random direction. The yellow sphere of power carved its way through the trees before fading away a hundred feet into the woods. Buford sat there, bits of beef jerky not yet in his mouth and hat singed. "Yaaah," he managed. "Sorry," Ryouga apologized. "Lately, that's been the only way I can let off steam. It's hopeless." "Hmmmm," Charlotte hummed, leaning on a palm. "I have an idea..." "Whoa. Hold, time out. Charlotte, may I speak to you a minute?" Buford said, leading the young girl aside. "Something wrong?" she asked, batting her eyelashes and pouting. "Don't give me that kawaii deal, you know it doesn't work on me. We don't got TIME to play Story Meddler here. I know you just love to make stops every now and then and play matchmaker, but we're on a tight schedule here. Being chased? Hunted? Pursued? Any of this ringing a bell?" "Come on, Buford. Victor's a day or two behind us at least." "Probably laying a trap as we speak," Buford warned. "You know how he is. We can't afford to have you play roaming fair godmother this time." "Alright, alright. We came to this guy looking for a quick food stop, right?" Charlotte said. "You heard what that girl said, he has a free meal coming. Let's cash in on that and run." "You're not going to goof off and play storyteller?" "I solemnly swear that I will not fail to attempt to ignore any nonexistent obligations to help out this boy," she swore. "Umm... okay," Buford said. "A promise is a promise. Hey, boy!" "It's Ryouga Hibiki," Ryouga corrected. "Yeah. We're starving, Hibiki. You got a coupon for this Ucchan's place?" "I guess so... I can't do anything today anyway, now that I promised," Ryouga said, a hint of bitterness in his tone. "I can show you the way..." * "It's just around this corner, really," Ryouga insisted. Buford's stomach growled in protest. He grabbed it, trying to quell the noise. "That's what you said six corners around, Ryouga. I know Tokyo's pretty cryptic, but this is nuts." "Nothing wrong with a stroll in the open air," Charlotte insisted. "So tell me, Ryouga, this Ranma fellow... he has *three* fiancees?" "Four, if you count self-appointed ones," Ryouga noted. "The hentai fool seems to be a woman magnet. The only one that doesn't really like him is Akane, but she's stuck in it thanks to Mr. Tendo and Mr. Saotome." "How'd you manage to ask an engaged person out on a date?" "It's fairly loose. Neither Akane or Ranma like it. Why they don't just break it off I don't know... and why Ranma keeps interfering when I try to talk to Akane, I don't know. It's like he wants to keep her in complete misery, alone and friendless, just as he's managed to do to me!" "Food," Buford insisted. "Ucchan's is right around the corner," Ryouga said, turning the corner and facing a dead end. The trio paused. "Where'd it go?" Ryouga wondered, looking around. "Forget this," Buford said, pulling a map out of his backpack. "I wanna eat. Alright. What's the address again?" * Ucchan's wasn't terribly packed, leaving them quite a selection of tables. Charlotte immediately homed in on one in the corner, overlooking the restaurant but hidden by a large plant. The two men shrugged and followed. "What do they serve here?" Charlotte asked. "I wanna burger," Buford whined. "Some good american food." "Okonomiyaki. I'm guessing you don't get that in america," Ryouga said. "It's quite good. One of the few treats I have left in life. Ukyou!" A spatula poked up from behind the counter, followed by Ukyou. She blinked. "Ryouga! Here to claim that free meal, I see. Umm. Ryouga, I meant food for one person..." "It's okay, these are... friends from out of town," Ryouga grinned, putting his best lying face on (which wasn't very convincing). "Alright. I suppose it won't hurt too much. Three okonomiyakis coming up!" she beamed, and ducked back behind the counter. "She's one of the fiancees, right?" Charlotte asked. "Yeah. Her and someone at a chinese restaurant down the street. It's simply absurd, the number of people chasing him..." "Hope this is fast food," Buford said, looking around the restaurant anxiously. "We're in a bit of a hurry." "Tosh, Buford. We can have some idle conversation." "Idle conversation? You've been giving him the third degree!" "Third what?" Ryouga asked. "Alright, I'll make it fair. Ryouga, you can ask me anything you want about me and my partner here," Charlotte offered, resting her chin on her palms. "Fire away." "Ummm..." Ryouga started, not sure what to ask. "Well... you're cursed too, right?" "Correct. I fell in the... well, my chinese is really awful. It was a spring where an escaped high class piglet drowned three weeks ago." "Three weeks?" Ryouga asked. "Not all of the pools are ancient, you know," she said. "I was on vacation with my family... we're from France, own a very nice vineyard and attend a lot of posh parties. Frightfully dull. Anyway, my stupid little brother somehow talked me into jumping in." "It must be awful." "Not really. It's quite fun. You can sneak around and spy on people and generally learn a lot as a pig," she grinned. "Your curse isn't THAT bad, Ryouga, just the situation it got you into. Problems have solutions, though. For instance, your--" "And me, I was on exchange from Austin University and fell into a boar drowning pool," Buford interrupted. "Question and answer session is over. Where's that food?" Three plates flopped down on the table, spinning to a halt after coasting through the air towards the table and impacting in such a way as not to disturb the food on them. "Three okonomiyaki," Ukyou replied, bowing. "If there's anything else you need, just call." Buford salivated, and quickly started wolfing his down. Charlotte shrugged, and began to eat hers bit by bit. "You must be pretty hungry," Ryouga commented. "Mmmph. Haven't had a good meal in awhile," Buford said between bites. "We've been travelling, just as you have been," Charlotte added. "We're being hunted." Buford choked on his food, but Charlotte pretended not to notice. "I ran away from home, you see. They want me back before anybody finds out that--" Several tables near the door overturned, as chaos entered via the front door. Buford resumed choking, as all heads (all four of them) in Ucchan's turned to see what the racket was. "Get back here, ya little squirt!" Ranma yelled, chasing... something through the restaurant. Akane darted in after him, looking worried. "What's wrong, Akane?" Ryouga asked, quickly getting out of his chair to be by her side. "Well... he's been gone for weeks... and when we finally found him, he ran off again. We're lucky we cornered him here," Akane said. "Umm... who?" "P-Chan," Akane said. "Did you get him, Ranma?" "Right here," Ranma said, grip wavering as the tiny black piglet in his hands tried to wiggle away. He turned to face Akane. "I... RYOUGA??!" "What? What?" Ryouga asked. "But... P-Chan... you..." Ranma stammered, confused. Ryouga's gaze fell on the tiny piglet. It WAS P-Chan... right down to the wide eyes and the pink snout and the look of terror on its face. "P-Chan!" Akane cheered, running forward to hug her piggy. "P-Chan?" Ranma repeated. "P-Chan," Ryouga nodded, grinning. "Victor," Charlotte grumbled. END - Part 1 (Closing Theme : Don't Mind Lay-Lay Boy (Opal)) All characters copyright Shonen, created by Rumiko Takahashi. Music citations copyright Nothing/TVT. Charlotte and Buford and Victor by Stefan Gagne. Ranma 1/2 : March of the Pigs Part 2 A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne (All characters copyright Rumiko-san, obviously. If I ever even considered claiming that these were my own characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where I'd be forced to eat my own legs to live.) -=- On with part 2. To recap : Ryouga gets down again, and two pigs show up, who turn out to be a Jusekyoed pair named Buford and Charlotte. Ryouga describes his life's problems as they head to Ucchan's, where they bump into a rather unusual situation... -=- Nobody said anything. Two present were confused beyond speech capability... Ryouga and Ranma, notably, seeing two Ryougas in the same room. One in human form, and the other as P- Chan. Akane didn't seem to care, snuggling her piggy (which was trying to escape). Ukyou was too busy cooking to notice. Buford was steaming, however. He snaked out a arm and grabbed P-Chan away from Akane, and shook the piglet around a little. "Still trying to sneak up on us, huh Victor?" he scolded. "I oughtta make chop suey outta you--" Buford collapsed to the floor, Akane's mallet pounding his skull into his ribcage. The piglet soared through the air, and was caught by Ryouga. "Quit picking on P-Chan!" Akane demanded of the groaning gaijin, who was on the ground holding his head in pain. "Thanks, Ryouga." "Err... no problem," Ryouga said, handing the black piglet back. "Well, come on Ranma, let's get home," Akane said. "Don't just stand there." "But... P-Chan... and Ryouga? Two places? Same time?" Ranma puzzled, gaze swapping back and forth from the two. "Let's go already," Akane grumped, grabbing Ranma's hand and storming out of the restaurant, while Ranma grappled with his logic skills. "She's right, he does look kinda like you," Charlotte said. "Poor guy." "What... who... WAS that?" Ryouga asked, pointing to the door. "Victor," Charlotte sighed. "My brother." * REC.ARTS.ANIME.STORIES PRESENTS (musical insert : Pinion (NIN Halo 5 track 1)) Two blobs race around the docks of Tokyo bay in the moonlight. Briefly lit by streetlamps they pass under, they can be identified as one white piglet with a blue bow, and a larger brown boar with a mohawk. IN ASSOCIATION WITH FANFICTION WE'D LIKE TO SEE AND NOTHING/TVT The two dash along the piers, looking for a good place to hide. Turning a corner, however, they bump into a pair of men with nets, and a small boy in black who points a finger and cries out... RANMA 1/2 : The men pounce, tangling up the two pigs in nets. The boy acts relieved, as the men pack up the two in a van. MARCH OF THE PIGS A wave washes over the dock, and the two men look back; to find another piglet. They shrug, and toss it in with the other two, despite squealing protests. PART 2 : GET WHAT PIGS DESERVE * "I figured the little runt couldn't track us if we stowed away on a commercial cargo liner," Buford explained, as the trio finished their meals. "Don't know how he found out. When we got off, there were two guys from animal control and Victor, saying there they are, my lost pigs." "The uncouths tossed a net on me and threw me in a van," Charlotte complained. "Luckily, a wave washed up and there was... heh, V-Chan. The guys, being a bit slow witted, tossed him in there too. He had no choice but to help all of us escape." "But... he fell into the same pool I did?" Ryouga asked. "The heituenniichuan?" "If that's the word, yes. Drowning black piglet spring. Looks kind of like you in pig form, but without the cute bandanna," Charlotte said. "Well, he ain't gonna be a problem no more," Buford grinned. "In fact, looks like this solves your problem. Akane's got her little V-Chan now, and you don't need to pose anymore, PLUS Victor's out of our hair for good. I'd call that a happy ending. Now, Charlotte, we ought to get moving--" "We're not leaving him there," Charlotte stated. "Oh yes we are. Far as I'm concerned, that's a fitting end to your brother's little manhunt." "He's my BROTHER, Buford!" Charlotte exclaimed, angry. "Sure, he's a pain in the ass. Sure, he's manipulative and plotting. He is, however, a member of my family and I can't leave him behind like that." "With him outta the way, we wouldn't have to run and hide all the time," Buford argued, getting to his feet. "Maybe we could settle down and start lookin' for a cure, you think?" "Half the fun of this trip is escaping Victor's little plots," Charlotte rebutted. "Life would be boring again if we lost that." "BORING!? Maybe you'd like me to quit now and let you handle lugging your gear around, huh? Remember how I found you in Austin? Penniless, clothingless and homeless?" "I was not penniless. I still have the family charge card," Charlotte said, slipping it out from under her hair ribbon. It was solid gold, or at least looked like it. "Don't leave France without it." "Which isn't exactly valid if you can't get any hot water," Buford said. "I want outta this curse, and the only way is to shake Victor and get some serious detective work goin'." "We've been managing fine even with him around!" "Umm, may I get a word in here?" Ryouga asked? "NO!" they shouted in unison. * Ranma was beginning to suspect something. P-Chan hadn't tried to attack him once. In fact, it almost seemed like his anger was directed in the opposite direction... three times today he had managed to wriggle away from Akane and try to escape, each time with a grumpy Ranma having to track him down so Akane wouldn't be upset. P-Chan even refused to be dressed up funny. No baby bib, for example, when it came time to eat (and he attempted to escape again). There was something else strange, something he couldn't quite put a finger on... "What happened to P-Chan's cute little bandanna?" Akane wondered, scratching his neck while he wiggled around. "That's it!" Ranma gasped, snapping his fingers. "What's it?" "Nothing," Ranma said, keeping it to himself. Ryouga never, EVER loses his bandanna. It was a part of him, kind of like his bad dental work and daydreaming. Why would he ditch it now? "I think I'll head around to the corner market and try to pick him up a new one," Akane said, getting up from the couch where she and Ranma were watching TV. "Here, you take care of him while I'm out. He's been so jumpy today." "What? Me?" Ranma asked, as the protesting pig was thrust into his hands. "Yeah, you. You remember how Nabiki tried to sell him to that gourmet meat market last time I left him with someone else," Akane said. "I don't want him getting lost, anyway. You had better take care of him this time, Ranma, I don't want a repeat of what happened three weeks ago!" Lost. Hmmm, Ranma thought. "I'll be right back," Akane said, heading out the door. "Keep him out of trouble," she added, before shutting the door behind her. Ranma tucked P-Chan under an arm, and headed for the stairs. * The Tendo basement was rarely used; at the time, it only housed a few barrels of ceremonial wine, some broken dojo equipment and a growing civilization of cockroaches which were very near developing a kind of writing. Ranma stepped in the intricate dust patterns on his way down the stairs, setting them back five years. Ranma ignored the enraged chittering from behind him, and picked a likely spot in the basement to set the pig down. "Alright, here goes," he said, and released the piglet. The pig zipped straight and true like an arrow for the stairs, bounding up them two at a time and crashing through the door. Not THROUGH the door, but pushing it open first. Not normal for Ryouga-on-a-rampage. Ranma trailed it, following the frantic hoof marks in the floor. A nice, straight line, up the stairs and to the bedroom area. It was working. He walked up the stairs, taking his own good time. The path was leading him right where he figured it would go; the bathroom. He ignored the KNOCK FIRST sign and walked in, pulling the shower panel aside. "Alright, who are you and what have you done with P-Chan?" he demanded of the strange boy in the tub. * "See, my parents are a bit snobby," Charlotte explained, holding her marshmallow over Ryouga's cooking fire. Buford was already snoring away, his hat lifting up slightly with each exhale, but Charlotte managed to talk over the noise without waking him. "I heard that about french people," Ryouga commented. "Not all french people, silly. My family's just REALLY old fashioned. They're hanging onto this old, dried up vineyard as if it was worth something, leeching off stored up family fortune," she clarified. "It's incredibly dull. I mean, the wardrobe and the cash flow are nice, but life is awful. Especially with this curse; mom and dad don't want anybody to know someone from 'such an important family' is cursed, so they kept me locked in my room until they could find a cure." "What about Victor?" Ryouga asked. "I mean, did they lock him up too?" "Certainly. It didn't stop us, though. Pigs can sneak around quite well," she smiled. "I had fun sneaking out and... well, arranging things." "Arranging?" "Little things. Encouraging romances I had seen budding in the kitchen staff. Causing simple, silly misunderstandings that people would remember in years to come and look back on in nostalgia. Having fun and snooping. Victor was a brat then too, though, doing his best to screw up my plans and get the house staff to backstab each other at every turn just so he could have fun watching it happen." "Isn't that what you were doing?" Ryouga asked. "Of course not! I wanted to help them out. He wanted to screw them up. It got annoying and I ran away from home with daddy's MasterCard. I figured a life of travel would be fun, but then they decided to let Victor hunt me down and bring me back, so nobody would know that the daughter of 'such an important family' had run away." She turned her marshmallow a little. Ryouga turned his, noticing that it had started blackening already. He sighed. "I've been thinking," Charlotte said. "Since it looks like Victor's a little... occupied, how about if I help you out? We'll go spring him before I leave, but this does give me time to have a little fun." "Help me?" Ryouga asked, not sure how to take that. "Of course! With you and Akane. It's what I do best. Buford here will complain, of course, but as long as Victor's at bay he has no excuse. We're both the same, after all, you and I." "We're both... well... pigs," Ryouga admitted. "True. Pigs help pigs out. So, what do you say? Your muscle, some of my brain power, and we'll have you in the arms of the one you love in no time!" "It probably won't work," Ryouga grumbled. "I've tried everything. Siding with some of the local magic gurus, trying to beat Saotome senseless, even just flat out asking Akane out... somehow, nothing works." "You haven't tried me yet," she said, winking. "Trust me. Give me a week and you won't have to go on prozac, you'll have a surplus of natural joy." Charlotte pulled her marshmallow out of the fire, only to discover it had melted over Ryouga's, congealing both into a blackened lump. "Hmm," she mused. "Oh well, I hate marshmallows anyway. Anyway, I need details about everybody you know. Never know when another pawn could be helpful in the game." "It's a pretty complicated list." "Try me." * "You've got no fashion sense, Saotome," Victor said, browsing Ranma's closet. "I mean, honestly, beige button ups with bow ties? Chinese fashions? And those godawful little black shoes." "You still haven't answered my question," Ranma said, tapping his foot. "Yes I did. I have no idea who this P-Chan fellow is," Victor said. "Finally, something suited for me. Mind if I borrow this? I'd hate to see the reaction of the Tendos if I was walking around naked. I think you would as well." "Where're your own clothes?" Ranma asked. "Lost them at the docks. My nice shirt with the mesh sleeves, my dyed jeans, everything. Awful. I'll have to see if your local stores have my taste. Until then, I suppose this black outfit of yours will do. Lucky we're the same size." Ranma nodded. The boy was around his height, even with the same hair color. His hair wasn't combed, just a matted mess that hung down to his shoulders. His eyes were blank and wild like Gosunkugi, but with a more malevolent edge to them. He clearly wasn't afraid of Ranma the way Gosunkugi was either, but he didn't look like he'd be able put up much of a fight if it came to that. "If you were trying to masquerade as P-Chan, you were doing a lousy job," Ranma noted, crossing his arms. "Not only did you try to flee from Akane, but you made a beeline for the bathroom. The REAL P-Chan would wander around the house for hours before finding it." "I was never a good actor," he said, pulling Ranma's black t-shirt over his head. "Now, if you don't mind, I'm off. I've got a few people to look up." "Hold it," Ranma said, laying a hand on Victor's shoulder. "I don't think so. Akane ordered me to keep you here, and that's what I'm doing until I can find the REAL P-Chan. She pounded me three times a few weeks ago for losing P-Chan, and even considered going out with Ryouga to get back at me. That ain't gonna happen again." "I don't think that'll work, Saotome," Victor said. "You want to get out of this house, you gotta go through me," Ranma said, dropping into a fighting stance. "You look silly," Victor smirked. "I have no intention of going through you. I was thinking AROUND. I've got a few missing persons to make un-missing, and I don't need some piglet- crushing female maniac or her overly violent fiancee keeping me away from that." Ranma stood there, waiting for Victor to try to go around him. Victor just stood there, taking in the many varied sights of Ranma's room. "Your room sucks," he concluded. "Aren't you forgetting something?" Ranma asked. "Hmm? No, foolish boy, I'm not going to try to escape NOW. That would be idiotic. No, I figure I'll just wait until nobody's expecting it. A watched pot never boils, you know. In fact--" Victor paused, an evil smile creeping over his face. "Say, I have a novel idea. Would you like to hear what it is?" "Try me," Ranma dared. "Okay. Akane's obviously had this P-Chan mammal for quite some time. How would she feel if I were to 'uncover' P-Chan as some hentai loon who had a Jusenkyo curse, and tell her that YOU KNEW all along and didn't tell her?" Ranma's jaw dropped. "I imagine she'd be less than pleased. You in fact TOLD me she beat the snot out of you less than a few weeks ago the last time you displeased her, and this would be quite a displeasure. I figure I could get around you THEN, while your vertebrae are snapping just like when she crushes me. It would be amusing to watch, though, so maybe I'd hang around while she proceeds to tear you limb from limb--" "Enough!" Ranma blurted. "Alright, I'll let you go. I'll have to hide from that kawaiikune tomboy for a few days, but I suppose it'll blow over--" "Go? I have no intentions of going! Saotome old bean, you're going to be of INVALUABLE assistance to me," Victor laughed. "No, I think I'll stay put for awhile. It'll mean more love attacks from that insane woman, but it'll be worthwhile. And you'll keep your mouth shut and help me with whatever I need help with, unless you'd like your mouth opened for you and jaw dislocated by Akane." Ranma considered pounding this boy and tossing him out the window. It would be the easy solution, but would mean losing 'P- Chan'. Either way, he was to wit, screwed. Maybe he could play along, find Ryouga, put him back in pet-place and pound this guy to make the exchange... but that would take time. "Alright," he said. "But the MINUTE I'm done whatever this is you need help with, you're OUT of here, bucko." "Sounds fine with me. Once completed, I'll be winging my way back home to celebrations and parties. Maybe I'll drop you an invitation," he grinned evilly, narrowing his eyes at his new token. "Here's what I need done." * Akane walked up stairs, her newly purchased bandanna in one hand, and the other hand pigless but longing to hug her pig again. She had looked around the house, but didn't find them; Ranma probably just took P-Chan upstairs for a bath, and then back to his room. "Nabiki?" Akane asked, as Nabiki quickly hid the plastic cup she was holding behind her back. "Is Ranma here?" "Right in there," Nabiki gestured to the door she was standing next to. "I'd suggest knocking first." Akane nodded, and knocked. There was a quick splashing noise, and Ranma called, "Come in!" Nabiki walked off to her room, put the plastic cup back on her shelf. Things were certainly going to be interesting, she thought to herself... especially if this new fellow was rich. END - Part 2 (Closing theme : Equal Romance (Extended Gristle Remix)) All characters copyright Shonen, created by Rumiko Takahashi. Music citations copyright Nothing/TVT. Charlotte and Buford and Victor by Stefan Gagne. Ranma 1/2 : March of the Pigs Part 3 A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne (All characters copyright Rumiko-san, obviously. If I ever even considered claiming that these were my own characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where I'd be forced to eat my own legs to live.) -=- On with the show. In our last episode, Victor (who fell in the same pool Ryouga did) is mistaken for P-Chan and dragged to the Tendo household. Victor blackmailed Ranma into helping Victor out by threatening to show Akane that P-Chan is just a Jusenkyo-cursed hentai, and that Ranma knew for years without telling her. Ranma reluctantly agrees, but silently vows to swap Victor for the real P-Chan as soon as he can. Nabiki overhears the exchange and smiles evilly. Charlotte decides that with Victor out of the way, she'll have time to help Ryouga win the heart of Akane. (Note : I'm running out of NIN puns, so I suspect my titles won't be as cool from here on. :) -=- The evening turned into daytime, sun rising over Furinkan high school and the small clearing in the woods behind it. The three people sleeping there were nearly mauled and eaten by the local wildlife, but fortunately there was a far more frightening noise in the woods that night; Buford's snoring. Ryouga woke to that snoring, wondering if someone was cutting firewood with a rusty chainsaw. He rubbed his eyes, scanning the campsite for the source of the noise. Buford was in the same position he had been in near midnight, flopped on his back. The cowboy hat had fallen off his face, removing the only muffler the noise previously had. Ryouga quietly slipped over and put the hat back, cutting down the decibel level. "Don't know why I didn't think of that," Charlotte said, from the cooking fire. "Morning, Ryouga." "Morning," he returned, packing up his sleeping bag. "How long have you been up?" "Just an hour or three. I couldn't find any food other than some instant ramen in your pack, so breakfast is going to be light," she said, shifting the cooking pot around to get the water to boil faster. "I've got a few plans." "Plans?" "For you, silly. Getting you together with Akane," she reminded him. "You're more experienced, so tell me if these aren't going to work. Okay. We kidnap Ranma and stash him somewhere so he won't interfere." "Kidnap Ranma?" Ryouga mused. "I don't think it'll work. The little weasel is very good at escaping. Plus, it's not just him; if word gets out, then Kunou and Gosunkugi and probably the entire subset of the Y chromosome at Furinkan would get in the way." "Okay, then we get you two together somewhere secret," she suggested. "Not the usual restaurants or streets, but somewhere nobody'd look." "The Kunou family has ears everywhere," Ryouga said. "Or at least two ears. Sasuke, his ninja, is very observant and will often keep tabs on Akane and the pig-tailed girl." "Pig-tailed girl?" Charlotte asked. "Never mind. Do you have a third plan?" "Yes, but it's a bit more complex," she said. "We pull a Victor on everybody you know except Akane." "A what?" "Basically, we get your friends so busy attacking or spying on each other that they completely ignore you and Akane," she said. "That way, no problems. Of course, this requires getting you two together in the first place. She doesn't know, does she?" "Well... not really," Ryouga said, sitting down next to Charlotte. "I've never gotten many chances at telling her, and the few that I had... I guess I chickened out." "Bad luck all around, I suppose," she said. "Don't worry, Ryouga, that luck's going to change. I'll get you two together if it's the last thing I do!" "What?" Buford asked, confused. He lifted his hat up. "Oh, Buford. Morning. We thought you were asleep," Charlotte said. "Hold it, take two, I thought we agreed NOT to go playing around with people's lives this time," Buford said, pulling himself up to sitting position. "I want to go find a cure, thank you, not play fairy godmother." "Victor's trapped, Buford," Charlotte argued. "While the brat's away, we can play. Come on, don't be such a stick in the mud. We can go find that silly cure anytime." "Ryouga... no offense... but I don't give a damn about you. You can rot away in your own self pity for all I care. I've got more important things to worry about. Come on, Charlotte, let's get out of here," Buford demanded, grabbing the girl by her wrist and walking off. There was a high-pitched whine as a bandanna sliced through the air, whizzing by Buford's ear and embedding itself in a nearby tree. Part of Buford's hat brim fell off, severed with a cut finer than a ginsu knife. "Unhand her," Ryouga demanded, umbrella ready. "NOW." "Oh alright," Buford complained, letting Charlotte's wrist fall. "Sit around and pay your playground games if you want to. I get to say 'I told you so' when Victor's got all our hides on the next flight back to France and Ryouga 'n I are in jail for aiding you in your runaway, Charlotte." "It won't come to that," Charlotte decreed. "Let's hope so," Buford said. "I--" Buford's ears perked, as he cut himself off in mid sentence. He turned around and charged into the woods, sniffing the air. "Trouble?" Charlotte asked. "Thought I heard someone," he said. "Someone hidin' out here. Wasn't Victor." "Buford, we're behind a school. Of COURSE you're going to be hearing people," Charlotte laughed. "Now if you two will excuse me, I've got some plotting to do." Buford checked the area a bit further. Fortunately for Sasuke, he didn't look up. Sasuke breathed a silent sigh of relief and swing by the treetops towards the school. * REC.ARTS.ANIME.STORIES PRESENTS (musical insert : March of the F**kheads (NIN Halo 9 track 7)) Sasuke swang from branch to branch in traditional ninja style. Master Kunou would not be pleased at this news... displeased to the point where Sasuke did NOT look forward to reporting it. IN ASSOCIATION WITH FANFICTION WE'D LIKE TO SEE AND NOTHING/TVT Buford plowed through the forest, following the strange noise. He was CERTAIN he had heard someone nearby, not near the school... he could hear the leaves rustling and wood creaking. Someone was sneaking around. Buford was NOT amused. RANMA 1/2 : Sasuke glanced down at his pursuer, nervous. The man was pushing tree after tree aside as if they were twigs... perhaps if he held still and made no noise, the man would go away. MARCH OF THE PIGS Buford paused, as the sounds stopped. He sniffed, trying to pick up the trail, to no avail. He shrugged, adjusted his hat, and headed back to camp. Sasuke's heartbeat slowed down to normal rate, and he dropped to the ground, dashing for homeroom 2-E. He darted onto the athletic field... and was promptly trampled by the Furinkan Cross-Country Team. Looks like his report was going to be delayed a little, he thought before collapsing. PART 3 : PLANS TO BE MADE * "You lead a life that borders on the surreal, Saotome," Victor commented,adjusting his reclaimed (and prized) mesh t- shirt. "I thought I had a strange home life. Yours takes the cake, platter, silverware and tablecloth." "Just remember the deal," Ranma warned. "You get these people you're after and you get out of here." "I'm a man of my word," Victor said, giving a boy scout salute in front of his chest (and crossing his fingers behind his back). "You stick to your side of the bargain as well. "This is the place," Ranma said. "Same restaurant we chased you to yesterday." "Good. And you say you're on good terms with the owner?" Victor asked. Ranma thought about it. "You could say that," she smirked. The two entered Ucchan's, looking around for Ukyou. The restaurant wasn't particularly crowded, being between the breakfast and lunch rushes. "Uc-chan!" Ranma called out. "You here?" "Ran-chan!" Ukyou cheered from the table she was washing behind them. "Hello! Hungry?" "Well, not--" Ukyou quickly dished out two okonomiyaki and pulled chairs behind Victor and Ranma, sliding a table in place. She lit a candle on the table and pulled up a chair for herself. "--really," Ranma finished. "Don't worry, okonomiyaki makes a great between meal snack too," she said. "Nutritious and delicious." Victor poked his. "What is this stuff? Roach parts?" "Anyway, Uc-chan," Ranma interjected, before the conversation turned violent, "I was wondering, do you have any idea where those two people who were with Ryouga went yesterday?" "Not sure," Ukyou said, thinking back. "I think the one had a french name, because she used her credit card to give me a tip that was worth three times the meal. Charlotte somebody or other." "Aha!" Victor smirked. "Confirmation." "See, my friend, umm... Victor here has been looking for them," Ranma said. "Oh really? Why?" Ukyou asked. "He's supposed to--" "I own a restaurant up near Okinawa," Victor interrupted. "Those two hooligans charged an incredible amount of food to the same credit card you mentioned. I couldn't believe how much... they ate like pigs. Scared my other customers. Anyway, the credit card was reported as stolen, but wasn't canceled for some reason, and now I had a sizeable bill that was unpaid. So, I decided to go find them. Ranma here agreed to help, since he truly does appreciate the troubles chefs like us go through." "That he does," Ukyou beamed. "You do appreciate good cooking, Ran-chan, even if you do have to suffer through Akane's dinners occasionally." "Nothing worse than an insult to the palette," Victor joked. "So, do you have any idea where they might have gone? Perhaps to this Ryouga person's house?" "I don't think Ryouga's been home in years," Ranma said, looking crestfallen. "He gets lost a lot. He could be anywhere from Tombiki to Lake Tahoe by now. I don't think we'll be able to find him." "Actually, I think he's camping out behind Furinkan," Ukyou said. "At least he was last morning." "Terrific!" Victor said. "Thanks for your time, miss. If I'm ever in town again, I'll have to sample some of your art." Victor reached out and picked up Ukyou's hand, bowing to kiss it. She blushed. Ranma rolled his eyes. "Now," Victor said, letting the hand down, "Saotome and I must be off. Ta ta!" "But your food--" "No time!" Victor said, pulling Ranma away by the arm, heading out the door and around the corner. "Ugh," Victor said. "What repulsive swill. Was that ugly girl cooking small puddles of vomit, or did it just smell like it?" "Take that back about Uc-chan, Victor," Ranma demanded. "Or I'll--" "What? Knock me silly like you absurd little martial artists do?" he grinned. "I'll be on your doorstep the next day as cute little P-Chan, just DYING to let Akane in on a little secret, if you know what I mean. Or better yet, a P-Chan that has been beaten up. Who do you think she'll guess did it? Hint, his name rhymes with Zanma." Soon, Ranma thought. Once I get my hands on Ryouga, you're going DOWN, pal. * "He's WHAT?!?" Kunou screamed, standing bolt upright. "Planning to ask Akane out," Sasuke mumbled. "Please, master Kunou, don't be angry! I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding--" "If that swine Ryouga Hibiki wants to win the heart of the fair Akane, he'll have to get through ME!" Kunou proclaimed. "I, Tatewaki Kunou, will allow nothing el--" An eraser bopped off Kunou's forehead. "In the hall, Kunou!" his teacher demanded, pointing his chalk accusingly. "Yes sir," Kunou seethed through a clenched jaw. "Come, Sasuke." "But what of Ryouga, master?" Sasuke asked, leading Kunou out the classroom door. "He's currently behind the school in the woods by the river, but there's a track and field meet going on... I don't think we can get to him." "There is ALWAYS a way, Sasuke. Go to the mansion and fire up the Lady Binsen II," Kunou said. "If you'll excuse me, I need to find a bucket." * "Roller derby?" Victor asked, confused. "It's one of the events," Ranma shrugged. "Mikado suggested it, mostly because he figured he'd win. Shame he's out with a cold today. That's why I hate skating, it's too cold." "I don't relish crossing the athletic field with those folks out on parade," Victor said, pointing to the thundering herd of roller-skating students. "Do you know anybody who could get them to stop?" "No," Ranma said. "There's the principal, but he'd freak out at your hairdo if we went to see him." "Something wrong with my beautiful locks?" Victor asked. "Yeah. It's called shampoo. Use it occasionally," Ranma said. "Alright, how to get across..." "RANMA!" a high pitched voice called out from the crowd. Several skaters went down, crashing to the oval track as an object made a beeline for the two boys. Azusa popped out of the fray, knocking several lesser skaters aside as she coasted up on inlines. "Ranma, have you seen Charlotte?" Azusa asked, skating in lazy circles around the pair. "No, that's the point," Victor said. "Not THAT Charlotte," Ranma corrected. "Actually... Azusa, we're looking for her right now. See, Akane knows how much you ADORE her little pig, and is offering to let you take care of her for awhile, but we can't seem to find her." "Charlotte's been missing for weeks!" Azusa pouted. "What can I do to help?" "Get me and Victor here to the other side of the track," Ranma said. "To the forest." "Okee!" Azusa beamed, grabbing each boy by the arm and jerking them forward. "OUTTA MY WAY!" The trio ran directly into the skaters at an acute angle, pushing people aside as they proved the theorem about the shortest distance between two points. Skaters flopped down left and right, sometimes knocked down by Azusa, sometimes impacting against Ranma and Victor. Chaos theory was put into action as skaters swerved every imaginable direction to avoid the crazed girl. Azusa flung Ranma and Victor ten feet to the grasses on the other side of the track. "Can't stay! Tell me when you find my darling Charlotte! Byeeeee!" With that, she skated back into the fray. Victor coughed and wheezed, trying to avoid touching any body parts on him that hurt. "What was that wheeled demon?" "Azusa," Ranma said. "Alright, we made it. Now what?" * "...and that should do it," Charlotte said. "The trick, I'd say, is to get everybody doing what they're supposed to be doing at the correct point in time. It should be pretty fun to pull off." Ryouga stared blankly. "Hello? Ryouga? Earth to Hibiki?" Charlotte said, snapping her fingers. "Hmm? Oh, sorry, must have been daydreaming..." "Stay on the planet for the next few days, lover boy, you've got just as much work to do as Buford and I if we're going to do this right," Charlotte smirked. "Okay. Let's go over it again. When you see Ranma, what do you do?" "HURT him for maltreating the lovely Akane!" Ryouga exclaimed, pounding a fist into his open hand and bearing his fangs. "No! Were you paying attention? That's NOT what we want to do. First of all, it won't work. Second of all, we can get others to do that for us. The trick, I'd say, would be--" The sun dimmed. Charlotte paused, looking up. Was it normal for the clouds to be dark brown and in a sort of grid-like pattern? The net flopped down over the campsite, covering the french girl, her yellow clad partner and their bored friend in less than a second. Buford snapped his head up in alarm and tried to claw his way out, only to get tangled further in the net. "Gotcha!" Victor shouted, jumping out from behind the bushes. Ranma jumped down from the tree the net was dropped from, looking particularly eager. "Thought you could get away, eh sis? Never underestimate the power of brotherly love. Now, Saotome, if you'd be so good as to get me some water--" Ranma slammed his elbow into Victor's stomach, doubling him over in both surprise and agony. Victor glared up at Ranma in disbelief, the evil sneer gone from his face. "THAT'S for Ukyou," Ranma said. Ranma reared back and SLAMMED one across Victor's cheek, sending him flying into a tree head-first. Victor's eyes rolled into his head and he slept soundly. "And THAT'S for Akane." "Bravo!" Charlotte called. "Good boy. Now, if you could get us untangled--" "I just want Ryouga," Ranma said. "You've got some unfinished business back home with Akane." Ryouga's eyes went dreamy. "Not that," Ranma said, noticing the look. "If I don't get P-Chan back home before school ends, heads will roll. Come on out of there." "Hey, what about us?" Charlotte demanded. "I suppose when Victor here wakes up, he'll take you guys off wherever he's going and get out of my hair once and for all," Ranma said. "Have fun." "Beat it, Ranma!" Ryouga demanded, trying to reach for his backpack. "I'm not going back just yet, and I'm NOT going to let that guy take Charlotte away. You're not going to ruin my plans again!" "Have it your way," Ranma shrugged. "Now, I just need some water so I can get you home without much of a fight--" "RRRGHHH!" Ryouga growled, exploding into full standing position in a flurry of rope shavings and flying bandannas. He cast off the yellow fabric and brown net-bits, enraged beyond the state of simple rage. "DIE, RANMA!" Ranma quickly assumed a fighting stance, as Ryouga pulled his umbrella out. The fight was going to be brutal, bloody beyond bloody, a man to man match until the end. With a CRASH, a motor yacht grounded itself onto the shores of the river, sending a cascading wave of river water over the campsite. Kunou jumped down from the deck, bokken drawn and ready. "Today is the day you visit hell, Hibiki!" Kunou sneered, advancing on the soggy wreck of Ryouga's campsite. Kunou blinked. Ryouga Hibiki was nowhere in sight. All he could see were a number of small pigs in a net, and... "PIG-TAILED GIRL!" Kunou exclaimed, overjoyed. He dropped his sword and immediately ran forward, embracing Ranma-chan in a crushing hug. "Urggh!" Ranma-chan grunted, trying to escape Kunou's loving caress of doom. "Come, let me take you away from all this madness!" Kunou said, leaping back aboard the Lady Binsen II. Sasuke fired up the motor, and the yacht scraped its way back into the waters, accompanied by the sound of a fistfight below decks. Victor, now reverted to his V-Chanesque form, slept beneath the tree, dreaming little pig dreams of slop and the warm sun and flaming, intense death upon Saotome for doublecrossing him. P- Chan bit at the ropes of the net, trying to free Charlotte. Buford did likewise, but his tusks were meant for ramming, not cutting. Well, P-Chan thought, it could have been worse. "CHARLOTTE!" a happy voice called out from the trees. Azusa bounded into the room, skates dangling from her neck, and scooped up P-Chan, hugging him to the point of blood circulation clotting. "BWEEE!" P-Chan protested. "Hmm? What's this?" Azusa asked, examining the two captive piggies and the one snoozing one. "Lisette! Cosette! Janette! MORE cute piggies!" Azusa hoisted the net over her shoulder, picking up V-Chan and dropping him in with the other two. "More for my collection! I couldn't be happier!" Azusa leapt off into the forest, newly found pigs in tow. High in the tokyo skies, Kunou had peaked in his punch-induced arc and was headed back down the ground, fast. * "Hello, welcome to-- oh, Nabiki. Hello," Ukyou waved from the counter. "Can I help you?" "Yes... did someone come by with Ranma earlier?" Nabiki asked. "Yup. I directed them to Ryouga's camp behind the school. Why, did something happen to Ran-chan?" "Could be. He hasn't been home all day," Nabiki said. "Akane was getting worried. She thought he was hiding because he lost P-Chan again. I figured I'd go look for his friend. And him, of course." "Hmmm. Here, let me close up shop and come with you," Ukyou said, untying her apron. She reached over and grabbed her Ukyou Special spatula, the one hanging on a massive wall peg, and slung it behind her back. "Alright, let's go." END - Part 3 (Closing theme : The Ballad of Ranma and Akane (Darth Vader Version)) All characters copyright Shonen, created by Rumiko Takahashi. Music citations copyright Nothing/TVT. Charlotte and Buford and Victor by Stefan Gagne. Ranma 1/2 : March of the Pigs Part 4 A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne (All characters copyright Rumiko-san, obviously. If I ever even considered claiming that these were my own characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where I'd be forced to eat my own legs to live.) -=- Plot to date : Ryouga meets Charlotte, Buford and Charlotte's snotty little bro Victor (who is determined to drag Charlotte back home). Victor looks like P-Chan and is accidentally pignapped by Akane, but gets away by blackmailing Ranma into helping him. Ranma and Victor ambush the other three, but Kunou shows up and ruins everything. Azusa spots all four piggies and runs home with them. (ten animals I slam in a net?) Meanwhile, Nabiki (who knows quite a bit of what's going on) is looking for Ranma and Victor, and Ukyou decides to help her search so she can make sure Ran-chan isn't in trouble. Ranma- chan is on Kunou's boat and Kunou is at five hundred feet and falling. One quick author note : Since the Azusa 'eps aren't available, I'm going on manga synopses and speculation. I'm guessing that she's two parts Elmyra and three parts C-Ko, and that seems to be the case... please forgive any other errors (such as where she lives). -=- The athletic field of Furinkan was not a pretty sight. Azusa had won the annual roller derby, obviously. Skating hobbyists lie in deformed piles around the oval track, silent and unmoving with numerous bruises and scrapes. The principal had escaped the chaos of his poorly-planned-out sporting event, only to be flattened by an out of control skater that was trying to avoid the onslaught. Nobody was left to call the ambulances. "I'm glad I skipped gym today," Ukyou said, taking in the carnage with frightened eyes. "The trail leads here," Nabiki said. "You said Ryouga's camp was on the other side of the woods there, right?" "Yeah. I hope Ran-chan wasn't hurt in this fight. Where'd Azusa go, anyway?" * REC.ARTS.ANIME.STORIES PRESENTS (musical insert : Why? (Meat Puppets 'Too High to Die', track 11) (Ed. - NIN doesn't have any 'happy' songs that'd work here.) Azusa was a happy camper. Not only did she find her beloved l'il Charlotte again, but her piggy friends Janette, Cosette and Lisette! The entire piggy family. Cosette didn't seem real happy and was trying to chew through the net and Lisette was asleep, but a haul was a haul... IN ASSOCIATION WITH FANFICTION WE'D LIKE TO SEE AND NOTHING/TVT Azusa skated on home, sack of piggies slung over her shoulder as she raced the setting sun. It was always a nice day around Azusa's neighborhood; she had a habit of attacking anybody that was gloomy. RANMA 1/2 : Her skates slid along the pavement as blade on ice, slick, fast and efficient. She wanted so much to try out her new Pet Room... she had been on an organizational kick lately, putting dolls in one room, pets in another, and miscellaneous bright shiny objects in the other. Sure, she had to kick her brother out of the house to make the room, but that wasn't important. MARCH OF THE PIGS Azusa coasted into the house and up the stairs (which she had flattened out into a nice slope, which was great to accelerate on), skidding to a halt in front of her Pet Room. She opened the door, tossed the net in, and shut it. Wouldn't her piggies just LOVE their new hog heaven? PART 4 : HAPPINESS IN SLAVERY * Ranma-chan steered the bulky cruiser as well as he could. Ugh, what a lousy day. First she's being blackmailed by some pale gaijin, then he's being groped by Kunou... AGAIN... and now he's playing Ranma the Sailor Man. Sasuke didn't put up much of a fight after she knocked Kunou into the stratosphere, mostly because he was shocked that his master was currently orbiting Mars. In hindsight, Ranma-chan wished she hadn't done that; she didn't know the first thing about boats. She managed to aim the motor yacht at the shore, towards Ryouga's campsite. All she had to do was pull up, grab P-Chan and go home and all would be forgiven. The boat was approaching rather fast though... which lever slowed it down? Luckily, Ranma-chan picked the right lever. She picked the wrong direction, however. * "Another battleground?" Ukyou wondered, as the two girls walked over to the wrecked camp from the forest. "Looks like it," Nabiki said. "Let's see... lots of footprints... some scrapes of rope on the dirt, probably a net... and a boat ramming into the shore. The ground's wet, which means it caused a wave." "How do you know all that?" "You get to be pretty observant in my chosen career," Nabiki said. "What's that?" "Underhanded business." "Oh. So where'd Ran-chan go? He was last reported here, after all..." "You might want to stand back," Nabiki warned. "Why?" Ukyou asked, before the Lady Binsen II rammed into the shore for a second time, impaling itself on a nearby tree stump. A high pitched scream arced over Ukyou's head, landing in a tree with a WHUMPH. "Ran-chan!" Ukyou brightened, looking at the figure tangled in branches above her. "Hmmm. You don't look particularly good today, Ran-chan." "Mpphhgh," Ranma-chan offered. Ukyou climbed up the tree, and used a sharpened spatula to start cutting off branches. She carried Ranma-chan down, draped over a shoulder. "Feeling better?" she asked, setting the dazed ex-sailor down. "Just lovely, thank you," Ranma-chan groaned. "Everything's broken." "We don't have time to go to Doctor Tofu's," Nabiki said. "Where's that Victor guy?" "Huh? You know about him? How?" "I have my ways," Nabiki said. "It looks like everybody who was here got dragged off." "Let's see..." Ranma-chan said, thinking back. "A crash... lots of pigs around... Kunou had the nerve to kidnap me... that's that. There was a net. Someone probably used it to drag everybody off." "Who, though?" Nabiki asked. "Everybody nearby is currently beaten to a pulp." "Azusa," Ranma-chan moaned, dejected. "Great. Azusa got them. I should have known better than to get HER help." "Azusa?" Ukyou asked. "Martial arts figure skater," Ranma-chan said. "She and that hentai partner of hers challenged me and Akane to a duel a long time before you got here. She's nasty, brutal, sinister and cute." "Hey!" Ukyou complained. "No! I don't mean it that way," Ranma-chan defended. "It's like this..." * "I'm gonna be sick," Buford said, trying to avoid looking at the bunny-and-duckie wallpaper. "What sick, twisted person could possibly LIKE a room like this?" "Well, it is a bit garish," Charlotte said, checking the top of the toy cabinet for dust, "But she does have an eye for texture. Victor, quit trying the door, we KNOW it's locked." "Damn that Saotome..." Victor grumbled, trying to use his weak muscles to force the door open. "Has the nerve to double- cross ME and leave me as a pig to be caught by some kawaii- demon... just WAIT till I get out of here. His cover is SHOT!" "Ranma doesn't have any cover," Ryouga said, growing annoyed with Victor's rambling. "The only person who doesn't know about his gender switcheroo is Kunou, and the guy's so dense that he'll never figure it out." "His what?" Victor asked. "No, I mean his fiancee's stupid little pig. I bet that insane girl will be real happy when I show her that her pig is actually me in disguiseURK." "Take that back," Ryouga requested, pinning Victor against the door with his umbrella. "Take back what you said about Akane!" "Ryouga, calm down. There's no need to beat each other up when we have Miss Azusa to do that for us," Charlotte said. "I don't think she'll be very happy when she walks in here and finds no piglets." "Bite me," Buford cheerfully suggested. "I wanted to change back, and she had managed to drag our gear in that net. I'm just glad I had my thermos filled." Ryouga ignored the other two. "If you so much as CONSIDER telling Akane anything like that," he said, "They'll be flying you back to France in a body cast." "What's your beef?" Victor asked, trying to get his toes in contact with the ground. "It's just a pig. It's not like I'd be telling the truth if I was to say it was a boy in disguise. Besides, what do you care about Akane? She's just this kawaiikuneURUGHHH" "Ryouga, put him down already," Charlotte said. "There is no need for hostility." "Alright," Ryouga agreed, pulling the umbrella away from Victor's chest. Victor slumped down against the door. "But the threat stands, Victor. Stay away from Ranma and Akane." "Okay, okay. Ranma's a sucky pawn anyway. I'm sure I can find better ones," he theorized. "You might have a shortage, Victor," Charlotte said, adjusting her bow and grinning evilly. "I'm afraid my current plan is rather extensive. Possibly even beyond your meddling abilities." "I've ruined your stories before, big sister, and I can do it again," Victor said. "I think I'm gonna puke," Buford said, peering down into Azusa's toybox. "Take a look at this, guys." The other three crept up to the toybox, and peered inside. Victor turned pale. Well, paler. Inside were a few dozen stuffed pigs, no longer stuffed. Hugged to death, puffy innards spilling out. "We've gotta get out of here," Buford said, slowly closing the lid of the plushie crypt. The sound of wheels rolling against carpet was heard outside the door, as well as a key turning in a lock. "Oh, friends! Azusa's here to shower you with love and affection!" "Hit the deck!" Buford suggested, as the door opened. The four jumped for cover. "Got a nice sponge bath ready for you--" Azusa started, wheeling into the room and tripping over a prone Ryouga. The pan soared up in the air, dousing the entire room in water. Azusa gurgled, and pulled herself back up on her skates. "Oops! I got my piggies wet! Don't worry, I'll get you nice 'n dry!" The pigs scrambled, trying to make a break for the door, but Azusa had a wheeled advantage. In less than a second, she had all four pigs snuggled up in a towel, and was happily crushing them with love. * "Are you sure this is her house?" Ranma asked, pointing at the pink and yellow home, standing out among the basic browns and whites of the other suburban buildings. "Positive. I checked my resources extensively," Nabiki said. "We need to apply discretion on entering. If we can sneak the pigs out quietly, we can avoid having to fight her." "Good. I don't like to hit girls, even ones as insane as Azusa," Ranma said. "I don't mind at all," Ukyou said, readying her Ukyou Special spatula. "If little miss eight wheels wants a fight--" "DISCRETION," Nabiki reminded. "Ranma, you try first. Ukyou, let's get out of sight." Ranma ran the bell as the two girls scurried for cover. There was a pause, and the sound of wheels rolling down a 45' incline, and the door shook with an impact. Azusa opened the door, rubbing her forehead. "Ow," she greeted. "Can I help you-- Ranma?" "Hello," he said. "Say, I was wondering, have you seen any pigs around?" "You mean cute 'n adorable little piggies that you just love to hug and snug forever and ever?!" Azusa said, lost on happiness. "Yeah!" "NO!" Azusa screamed, and slammed the door in Ranma's face. "Real discrete," Ukyou said. "Alright, my turn. Get away from the door, Ranma." Ukyou rang the bell, and the door promptly opened. "Ranm... oh, you're not Ranma." "Greetings!" Ukyou said. "I've come to cheerfully extend to you an opportunity to visit Ucchan's, Nerima's premiere Okonomiyaki eatery for a free meal! Do you have the time?" "Sorry, I already ate," Azusa said, closing the door again. "Amateurs," Nabiki claimed, rolling her eyes. "Alright, wait right here. I'll be right back." * "What took?" Ranma asked, sitting on Azusa's doorstep. "I had to get something at the arts and crafts store around the corner," Nabiki said. "I just need a target object... that'll do." "Hey!" Ukyou exclaimed, as Nabiki plucked a spatula from her bandolier. "That's mine!" "I'll pay you for the replacement," Nabiki said, applying some items from a paper bag to it. "Alright. Sit back and watch a master at work." She rang the doorbell. "Hello?" Azusa said, peeking out the door. "A gift for you," Nabiki said, presenting her with the spatula. It wasn't just a spatula now... it had a cute yellow ribbon tied around the handle, and two 'google-eyes' stuck to the flat part, wobbling around like Cookie Monster. "Sylvie!" Azusa yelped, happily grabbing at the kawaiified spatula. "Sylvie!" Nabiki paused there, revelling in her success. "If you'll notice, in a fit of joy, Azusa has left her front door open. Now, I suggest a quick search of the house." * "Sylvie, Sylvie, Sylvie!" Azusa giggled, rolling around her Misc. Bright Shiny Object Room. In there were a variety of lights, balls, and cans that gleamed in the kaleidoscope light she had installed. Now, she had a little spatula-friend to add to her collection! Life didn't get much better than this! She reluctantly set Sylvie down in her Kitchenware display, and skated out of the room. Funny, why is the door to her Pet Room open? She skated down the hall, sliding to a stop. "AIEEEEE!" she screamed in terror. "Whoops," Ranma said, caught in the act of swiping P-Chan. "GET AWAY FROM CHARLOTTE!" Azusa demanded, skating by and slapping Ranma's arm, knocking P-Chan to the floor. "OUT! OUT OF MY ROOM, YOU KAWAIIKUNE--" GONGGGGG went Azusa against Ukyou's outstretched mega- spatula. The skater went down like an expensive silk doll, dreaming happy little dreams. Ukyou smiled. "WHO'S kawaiikune? Hmm?" "We got P-Chan!" Ranma cheered. "Let's get out of here and back home before Akane notices." "Right behind you, Ran-chan!" Ukyou said, holstering the spatula and bounding out of the room behind him. Nabiki examined the black, squirming piglet in her grip with amusement. "You and I have quite a bit to talk about," she mused, stepping over Azusa's body and exiting. Buford and Charlotte exchanged a few words in Bweese, and tagged along after Nabiki, making sure to stay out of sight. * The sun had already set by the time Ranma was home. Ukyou had already headed home, after noting the time. It was just him and the pig. He quietly slipped through the door, making a total absence of noise. He kept one hand clamped over P-Chan's snout, to keep him from squealing and waking Akane up. He just hoped that Akane hadn't noticed P-Chan being absent all day... "Alright," he whispered to P-Chan. "We're here. You want to be with Akane so bad, go to her." P-Chan nodded, and took the opportunity to bite Ranma's hand before jumping out of his grip. "YOW!" Ranma yelled, grabbing at his finger. Down came the wooden mallet, and down went Ranma. The lights flipped on, and Akane, mallet in hand, looked on in horror. "Ranma! I'm sorry. I thought there was a prowler in the house." "D... don't mention it," Ranma said, trying to get up. A second mallet clobber put him back down. "What was THAT for?!" Ranma asked, grabbing his aching head. "You lost P-Chan again, that's what it was for," Akane said. "He wasn't here all day, AFTER I told you to keep an eye on him!" "He's right there!!" Ranma said, pointing to a sheepish P- Chan, who had already started to head upstairs. "P-CHAN!" Akane yelled, dropping her mallet and rushing forward to grab her pig. "Okay, Ranma. I'm sorry. I take it back." "Kind of LATE to do that now," Ranma said, rubbing the two lumps on the back of his head. He lurched off to bed, grumbling something about tomboys. Two small pigs nudged open the door that Ranma had left open, and peeked in. The way clear, they entered, nosing the door shut behind them. END - Part 4 (Closing theme : Down In It (Ya Pa Pa Mix)) All characters copyright Shonen, created by Rumiko Takahashi. Music citations copyright Nothing/TVT. Charlotte and Buford and Victor by Stefan Gagne. Ranma 1/2 : March of the Pigs Part 5 A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne (All characters copyright Rumiko-san, obviously. If I ever even considered claiming that these were my own characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where I'd be forced to eat my own legs to live.) -=- Plot update, just like before. Ryouga meets Charlotte and Buford, two Jusenkyo-pig cursed types and also Charlotte's brother Victor (who is on a sister- hunt at the moment.) However, Victor looks like P-Chan when dropped in water and is turned over to Akane, giving Charlotte some free time to help out Ryouga's crush on Akane. The usual mayhem, etc, and somehow Azusa ends up pig-napping all four of the pigs. Ukyou, Nabiki and Ranma manage to break them out of Azusa's house/prison, and they split up, Ranma to give P-Chan back to Akane, Nabiki to have a chat with Victor and the other two following Nabiki quietly. -=- Nabiki tucked the black piglet under one arm, and slid open the door to the bathroom. A little hot water should do the trick, she figured... V-Chan had submitted to his fate. After all, things could be worse; he could be sleeping crushed under Akane again. That would be a fate worse than death, the pig noted, shivering. "Calm down, I'll have you back to normal in a minute," Nabiki said, running some hot water under the tap. "Here, I dug out some of Ranma's clothes before leaving. Figured they'd come in handy. I'll wait outside while you change." V-Chan bweed in agreement, and hopped to the ground. Nabiki put the cup next to him, and left. Strange girl. Unlike most of the people he had been meeting lately, she wasn't violent, constantly confused or overly affectionate. Just sort of... there. A straight poker face. Could the Tendos actually have a NORMAL offspring in their midst? Perhaps she could make a worthy pawn in his quest to bring Charlotte back home... V-Chan knocked the cup over, springing into full human form. He towelled off, slipped on some more of Saotome's hideous clothing, and walked out whistling. "A sprinkle a day," he joked. "Thanks for the water. I regret I can't stay very long--" "Hold it," she said. "I'd like to talk with you for a little while." "No time," Victor said. "Terribly sorry." "Okay," Nabiki said. "I tried. I bet all my friends at school will be disappointed to hear that I had such an influential and wealthy person such as yourself and just let him walk away... him AND his sister. I bet they'd tell some of their friends where you are, and some of their friends..." Victor paused. "You wouldn't." "Try me," Nabiki smiled. "But... it would disgrace my family name if anybody was to find out Charlotte had run away!" "And that she had dad's credit card, AND that she and you were cursed and turned into... gads, I hate to say it, common farm animals." Victor's usually smug face dropped to pure amazement. "Nice trick you pulled on Ranma, but I'm afraid you have nothing on me and I have everything on you. Now, in here, please," Nabiki motioned, gesturing to her open door. "We have financial matters to discuss." Victor nodded slowly, loping off to Nabiki's room under the heavy burden of his own shame. Nabiki, who didn't seem to give a care, skipped inside and shut the door. The two pigs who were watching from around the corner grinned. * REC.ARTS.ANIME.STORIES PRESENTS (musical insert : A Warm Place, Halo 8, track 11) Ryouga and Akane sat on the beach. A private beach; complete with crystal blue water and foam that lapped against the shoreline with the lightest of touches. The sun was soft against the warm sand, gazing down upon the cool breezes that made the trees sway to and fro. IN ASSOCIATION WITH FANFICTION WE'D LIKE TO SEE AND NOTHING/TVT Akane, snoozing him her deck chair, leaned over, snuggling against Ryouga's shoulder. Ryouga looked up from his Grisham novel, and smiled. All was well. RANMA 1/2 : He returned to his book, but couldn't concentrate. The contact of Akane's sleeping form on his arm was just too much. He set the book down, and brushed some sand out of her hair. MARCH OF THE PIGS Then Ranma briskly stepped in, knocked Ryouga into the stratosphere and snatched Akane, diving into the ocean, never to be seen again. P-Chan woke instantly from his nightmare, ready to bwee his heart out... but Akane was still here, in her yellow cat pajamas. P-Chan calmed down, and went back to sleep. PART 5 : SOMETHING I CAN NEVER HAVE * Buford-boar nudged the pack over to Charlotte, who zippered it open and pulled out her dress. "I STILL say those silly springs should let you keep your clothes," Charlotte complained. "It's such a bother to have to lug all this baggage around." "Who's doing the lugging? You?" Buford asked, wiping freshly-splashed warm water out of his face. "You've got no right to complain, little girl." "Someone's testy today," Charlotte said, retying her bow to accommodate her larger head size. "I can't believe you're helping out this Ryouga character," Buford said. "With you, it's always whatever seems like a good idea at a time. Want to go to the caribbean? Get Buford to haul your bag there. Victor sets a private detective on us? Buford, pound him for me. Naturally, I couldn't smack Victor around a little, even if he was standing right there and asking for it." "That's not the point of the game," Charlotte said. "We're matching plots and plans, not fists." "Then why was *I* happily wiping the mat with some wimpy private dick?" Buford asked. "It's part of the plan. Victor has to get new allies in every city. You I always have. You're a formidable pawn." "PAWN?!" Buford blurted. "Girl, I do practically everything for you, and you don't regard me higher than a stupid little painted chess piece? Ah, forget it. Carry your own bags form now on. I'm outta here." "Wh... wait!" Charlotte spoke, reaching after the exiting cowboy. "Where are you going?" "China," he said. "I'm going to track down that cure and keep it up until... well, until I find it. You may not want to be cured, but *I* do. Hasta la vista!" "Not so loud!" Charlotte insisted. "You'll wake the Tendos." "All the better. You've got plotting and planning skills; plot and plan your way out of here," Buford said, donning his hat and striding out the door, floorboards creaking. Charlotte dashed for the door, but the man was gone. Fast walker, she noted. It has been of invaluable help, when we needed to get away from a Victor-assisted lynch mob... "Bwee?" bweed a voice near her ankle. P-Chan tugged at her dress. "Oh, it's you," Charlotte said, downfallen. "Alright. Let's get you a little hot water." * "Ugh," Ryouga groaned, looking at his ruined campsite. Repeated boat crashes and net-scuffs and tidal waves had not been kind to the site. Still, a clearing was a clearing. "It'll have to do. I can't wait any longer, I need to be with Akane. I need to know your plan!" "Plan. Right," Charlotte said. "Okay." "Something wrong?" Ryouga asked. "No... yes. Buford left," Charlotte said. "He said I was treating him like a chess piece." "Weren't you?" Ryouga asked before being slapped. He spin a full three hundred and sixty degrees before falling over. "I WASN'T!" Charlotte yelled. "He was a good man, and always there to keep me out of trouble, even when we were in serious danger... he never asked to follow me around, he just started to after fishing me out of that fountain in Austin... just like a big brother... and now he's gone." "Sorry," Ryouga apologized. "No, it's okay," Charlotte said, helping Ryouga to his feet. "I was being pretty insensitive lately, ordering him around more and saying please less... I guess I drove him away. I feel like pond scum." "You're NOT pond scum," Ryouga stated. "You're one of the nicest people I've ever met, Charlotte. You like me even though I'm cursed, and even want to help me. Nobody's ever helped me before without asking for something in return. Making deals. You're the first person who hasn't tried to use me for their own agenda." "Yes I have," Charlotte said. "I mean, I'm just doing this because I love toying with people. Meddling. You could be anybody, even Ranma, or Ukyou." "You really believe that?" Ryouga asked. "I thought you liked me." "I do, Ryouga, just that... well..." The two paused, not sure what words were supposed to follow. They KNEW the words, but pretended not to. "Plan," Ryouga managed. "Plan. Yes, the plan," Charlotte said, pulling a rolled up sheet of paper out of her dress sleeve. "The plan." "How'd you fit that up there?" "Woman's secret. Okay, I took what you've been telling me the last few days and plotted it up in diagram format," she said, unrolling the paper on the driest portion of dirt she could find. Ryouga squinted at the paper. It resembled a fifty pound bag of ramen noodles in two dimensions. Circles with names in them had dozens of arrows, all point off in various directions, with various colors. "I'll translate," Charlotte said, fetching a stick to use as a pointer. "Okay. The main relationship here is Ryouga to Akane, which is in the form of not-yet-expressed love. Plus we have a back-arrow from Akane to the P-Chan circle attached to yours, of Motherly Love. In turn, we have Ranma reluctantly engaged to Akane, and vice versa, with extra fiancees that love Ranma under the circles with Shampoo, Ukyou, and Kodachi, and 'enemy' lines between all three and Akane, plus the various seekers of Akane such as Kunou, Gosunkugi, and Mikado. Azusa wants to hug P-Chan to bits and the pig-tailed girl is chased by Kunou and Mikado. Mouse loves Shampoo and is an enemy of Ranma for that. Cologne schemes with Shampoo and Happosai's a jerk and three quarters. I have a feeling Nabiki is also twisting Victor's arm at the moment. Did I forget anything?" "Ummm... Tsubasa shows up occasionally calling in Ukyou..." Ryouga thought, trying to puzzle out the links and dialog boxes on the paper. "Ranma's mother will kill him and his father if she finds out about the curses, and Mr. Tendo and Mr. Saotome want Akane and Ranma together and I think Sasuke has a thing for Azusa." Charlotte perked an eyebrow. "Or so I'm told," Ryouga shrugged. "Okay. So we need to keep everybody that has an Akane-love- link or a Ryouga-hate-link away from you. Hmm. This is going to take some work." "What are these circles off to the side?" Ryouga asked, tapping the paper. "Victor, Buford and I," Charlotte said. "Extra players. Victor we can probably keep out of the picture... notice the fear link to Akane and the slave link to Nabiki. That one's speculation, of course." "I think you can assume that one," Ryouga said. "Nabiki wouldn't have singled him out if she didn't have a plan of her own." "That could be a problem. Hmm. Okay, the biggest threats here are Ranma, Nabiki, Victor and Kunou. We can use the rest of these guys to keep those four away, and that'll be that. Are you sure you can win Akane over, if you're given a clear shot?" "I don't know," Ryouga said. "I mean, I've never been given the opportunity. Whenever I'm around her... not as P-Chan, that is, she's sort of indifferent. Doesn't show any malice, but nothing beyond friend-of-Ranma's either. What if you go through all this trouble, and I screw it up? I'd have lost my one shot at this, and let you down..." Charlotte thought. "Okay, I have a solution. We'll do a rehearsal date. Nothing fancy, just a quick troubleshooting run to make sure you don't act like a male pig... err... no pun intended... or say the wrong thing. Plus, you need to be taught how to stay AWAY from water." "How can we do a rehearsal date with the rest of them around, looking after Akane?" "Not with HER, silly. That's the final mission. We'll go out tonight and do a quick run-through." "What, with you?" Ryouga asked, confused. "Of course," Charlotte said. "What, you got a problem with me?" "No!" Ryouga blurted. "Anything. I need to be prepared. Yes, preparation is good. Lead the way." "We'll stick to the basics. Food, movie, trip home. That'll cover it," Charlotte said. "Don't worry, I'm an expert. Daddums would constantly parade me for other rich brats. I know what doesn't work. Boy, do I know what doesn't work." * Ryouga sat outside the toy store, wondering what was going on. Charlotte had agreed to go on a rehearsal date... well, more like suggested it in the first place. First stop was going to be dinner, but why were they at a toy store? "Wait here," she had ordered. So Ryouga did. Anything to make sure this worked. "Alright," Charlotte said, bounding out of the store with a multicolored plastic tube slung onto her back. "What's that?" Ryouga asked. "This?" Charlotte said, sliding the tube down her shoulder and into her waiting hands. "SuperSoaker. Just a fifty, I'm afraid, but I have some refill tubes handy." "Wh... what's that for?" Ryouga asked, alarmed. "Our purpose tonight is twofold. One, to make you into Prince Charming. Two, to make sure Akane doesn't find out your little secret by training you to avoid water," she said, pumping the front barrel of the gun. "Let's see how well you dance." The stream of water shot out, Ryouga hopping on one foot to avoid it. "Hey, cut that out!" "What, are you kidding? We'll be doing this all the way to the restaurant. Heads up." Ryouga ducked as another stream shot over his head. "Argh! Get that stuff away from me!" "I've still got a hundred shots to go! Now, let's move. Ucchan's is that way," she said, pointing. A stream approached his back, edging him on. Innocent bystanders giggled to themselves at the sight of a boy in yellow being chased by a watergun-wielding girl in a blue dress. It was just like being in a wacky cartoon comedy! One bystander detached from the crowd and slinked along after the pair. He wasn't laughing. He had a job to do. END - Part 5 (Closing theme : Little Date (the no-mix mix)) All characters copyright Shonen, created by Rumiko Takahashi. Music citations copyright Nothing/TVT. Charlotte and Buford and Victor by Stefan Gagne. Ranma 1/2 : March of the Pigs Part 6 A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne (All characters copyright Rumiko-san, obviously. If I ever even considered claiming that these were my own characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where I'd be forced to eat my own legs to live.) -=- I'll assume you've read up to part four. (Part five was rather short; it was either a short part five and a normal part six, or a long but condensed part five.) Nabiki blackmails Victor, for a change. She hasn't set any terms yet, but will reveal that his family's children are MIA if he decides to displease her. Charlotte manages to tick Buford off to the extremes, and he leaves her. She gets very depressed about this, and is cheered up a bit by Ryouga, who comforts her. The two then go over her planning sheet, which details all the possible problems in getting Akane on a date safe and sound. Charlotte decides to personally handle Ryouga's training in dating and water dodging, to ensure success. Someone in the crowd near them follows (Gosh, could that be a SPY?! I don't know!...) -=- "You want money?" Victor asked. "Money for starters," Nabiki said. "Certainly you can afford my price for keeping quiet." "What else is there beyond keeping quiet?" Victor asked. "There's hiring fees," Nabiki said. "I know the people in the area better than you do, and could probably provide unparalleled assistance in your quest to recapture your sister. For a bit more yen, that is." "Here," Victor said, pulling a wad of yen out of his sleeve. "You're lucky I'm good at hiding things, or that stash would have been found in your bathroom. Never know when you'll need stored funds." "This was in my bathroom all the time?" Nabiki asked, eyes growing wide as she counted the stack in her mind. "Of course. I knew I'd probably bump into a little water, and since I had a willing player here, I thought it would be good to keep my credit card and a little spare change available for when I change back. This was before Saotome double-crossed me." "Consider my mouth shut," Nabiki said, snapping up the money. "Not so fast. I'd like that in writing," Victor said. "Ranma taught me one important thing; always get it in writing." "Alright, alright," Nabiki said, pulling out a pen and paper set. "I, Nabiki Tendo, promise not to tell anybody who Victor really is and why he's here. Signed Nabiki Tendo. Take it." "Make a copy for yourself," Victor said. "Double-binding. I'll sign that one. Victor signed the second copy, making sure he swirled the 'o' like he usually did on checks and bank statements. There. Now he wouldn't have to worry about another backstabber. "Let's start working," Nabiki said, filing away her copy of the contract. "I figure we could trick Shampoo into thinking your sister has her eyes set on Ranma, which would--" "Gotta go," Victor said, reaching for the doorknob. "Ta ta." "Ta ta? But we haven't started." "I don't work with amateurs," Victor said. "Sorry. I need witless fools to make my plans work, not mercenaries. See you around sometime." "You're refusing my offer?" "No. Think of it more like painful rejection," Victor said, grinning from ear to ear as he ducked out the door and walked off. "You'll regret it," Nabiki called after him. "I doubt it," his voice floated up the stairs. "After all, I've got it in writing." Nabiki heard the front door shut shortly afterwards. * REC.ARTS.ANIME.STORIES PRESENTS (musical insert : Kinda I Want To, Halo 3 Track 6) Sidewalk-walkers jumped out of the way as the boy with the umbrella ran by, trying to fend off a barrage of water from the girl chasing him. He held the umbrella behind him, skipping backwards, boinging off the passers-by like a pinball. IN ASSOCIATION WITH FANFICTION WE'D LIKE TO SEE AND NOTHING/TVT Charlotte took careful aim, trying to arc her water over the protective umbrella. Ryouga was learning fast; he remembered the umbrella about one minute into the chase. A few more minutes of this and he'd practically be hydrophobic. RANMA 1/2 : Ryouga noticed the high-arcing water, and held the umbrella up. It splattered against the red paper, but left his back completely unguarded... a stream of water impacted on the small of his back. He braced for the change... MARCH OF THE PIGS Charlotte slid the carrying strap of the watergun over her shoulder. "Sheesh, Ryouga, a sleepwalker could have dodged that shot. Well, you're improving, at least. Here, I brought a thermos... let's go get you back to normal." She plucked the pig off the ground and ducked into an alley. PART 6 : TERRIBLE LIE * Smoke filled Tatewaki Kunou's room, as Sasuke appeared out of thick air. Kunou wished he would stop that; the smoke was very bad for his numerous posters of Akane and the pig-tailed girl. Each blown-up from photos Nabiki provided. The girl had a good eye, Kunou admitted. "Master Kuno!" Sasuke called, whiskers twitching. "I have excellent news!" "You have found the location of the one who dares claim Akane to his own, Ryouga Hibiki?" Kunou asked, readying his bokken. "Even better! I have evidence that he may NOT be planning to date Akane," Sasuke said, fumbling some polaroids he had been taking that evening. "As you can see by these photos, he seems to be dating someone else this evening. Mind you, she's chasing him with a watergun for some reason, but several eyewitnesses claim that she was yelling something about not being late for their date..." Kunou took a polaroid and examined it. There was that filth Hibiki, and someone else. "...the lighting level wasn't that great, and you know I'm no good with a camera, but I hope the shots turned out okay... err... Master Kunou? Are you feeling alright?" "Tell me, Sasuke... who is this vision of beauty that chases the chased with a cannon of fluid?" "Excuse me?" "Who's the girl with the gun?" Kunou corrected. Curse the proletariat and its failure to grasp the language. "I don't know," Sasuke said. "I do," a voice on the other side of the room said. A head peeked in through the window. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything, Mr. Kunou?" "How did you get up here?" Kunou demanded, turning to the intruder. "We're on the third floor of the Kunou mansion!" "A little rope does wonders," Victor said, pulling himself through the window frame. "I noticed your associate here taking photographs in town, and recognizing him as a fellow information- gatherer, I figured I'd tail him. I believe you were inquiring as to the other person in the picture?" "I shall forgive your insolence this time, stranger," Kunou said. "If you can identify the female in question." "Quite simple. She's my sister," Victor said. "We're currently on R&R here in Japan. Seeing the sights and such, hob- nobbing with the commoners... staying home can be quite boorish. You must know how it is, being from a wealthy family yourself." "The Kunou family doth have fortunes, yes," Kunou nodded. "So we figured a vacation would do a world of good. Get out of the house, see the world, mix with other superior cultures... however, we've hit a snag. It seems that one Ryouga Hibiki has enchanted her under some kind of spell and kidnapped her!" "Hibiki?!" Kunou said, sitting bolt upright in his ornate chair. "A delicate rose such as her in the hands of a cur like that?" "I concur, no pun intended," Victor nodded gravely. "Please, Kunou, I beg of thee. Free my sister from that fool Hibiki. I would normally fight the knave myself, but I am not a warrior. You, on the other hand, have the blood of samurai in you, and could easily crush this Ryouga character and save my sister." "I should have realized Hibiki was up to no good when Sasuke overheard him proclaiming love to Akane," Kunou stated. "Very well. It shall be done!" "Great. We'd better hurry, I've booked us a flight back home to France tonight. You'll have to make sure she gets on that plane, no matter what Ryouga tries to do, no matter what she claims. Not in her right head, what with those strange noodles Ryouga enchanted her with." "Yes, magic does seem to flow freely with the students of Furinkan. I would not doubt that Hibiki has resorted to black arts in order to find female accompaniment." "A spell which I can break, once we're back home," Victor said. "I shall make preparations for our flight. Thank you, Kunou. Mind if I use the front door this time?" "Be my guest," Kunou said. Victor nodded, and gracefully exited, choking down a laugh. * "I'd call that a fair success," Charlotte said, walking through the doors of Ucchan's. "Make sure you have all sides guarded, and you shouldn't have any problems." "Do we have to do that again?" Ryouga asked, wet and exhausted. "Naah. You've got enough of it down pat. Let's just enjoy the rest of the night." "Have I done anything wrong yet?" Ryouga asked, selecting a table. "Hmm? Oh, the test. I'll let you know if you mess up," Charlotte said, sitting down. "Just use a little common sense. That should do you. Hmm. Okonomiyaki, okonomiyaki, and more okonomiyaki. Quite a diverse menu. You might want to consider taking Akane somewhere else." "Don't worry," Ryouga said. "This place and Nekohanten are out. Fiancee confliction, thanks to Ranma's general greediness." "I thought the other fiancees were either forced or misunderstandings." "Same deal," Ryouga said. "After this, we'll go to a movie, head back to camp, and start preparing for tomorrow's plan," Charlotte said, closing the menu. "I've got it all charted out, and exactly who we need to distract. It'll be easier than I thought." "Do you think it'll work?" Ryouga asked. "Of course. And if it doesn't, I have a backup plan," she said. "Family heirloom. I salvaged it out of the pack of gear Buford was carrying for me. It's not much compared to the heaps of magic in an average day around Furinkan, but it's enough." Charlotte pulled a plastic disc, and snapped it open, revealing a powder puff on one half of the circle and a mirror on the other. "I didn't know you wore makeup," Ryouga noted. "I don't. Backup plan," she said, closing the mirror again. "Alright, let's order. I think I'm beginning to develop a taste for okonomiyaki." * Nabiki peeked around from her protective tree. Normally she'd leave intelligence gathering to the girls at school, but it was too late to go calling on them now. Ryouga's old site was deserted. It had been repaired to an extent; the campfire was rebuilt, albeit extinguished at the moment. The wreckage of trees and boat parts had been cleared, and a piece of paper laid out in the clearing. Hmmm. Nabiki glanced around, to make sure that she wasn't being watched, and examined the paper. SOMEONE had been researching the area... they had managed to get about ninety percent of the relationships between everybody she knew correct. First step was to fill in the gaps, the few parts to Victor's story that he didn't tell Ranma. She traced the arrows between Victor and the others... he's afraid of Akane? Hmm. That could be used... she couldn't make out the color of the arrow between Charlotte and Ryouga, the only arrow Charlotte's circle had going outwards. One odd thing was an arrow from Ryouga to Akane... this was news to Nabiki. Why was there a circle reading P-Chan above Ryouga? Not enough room to fit it in elsewhere? Most likely. Unless... naah. That couldn't be it. So what was the point of this chart? Some links were circled, as if they'd be important... particularly the ones involving herself, Kunou, Victor and Ranma. Those arrows were redrawn, circled, with little notes in french. What was Ryouga up to, and what did it have to do with her? * "...and he dressed up as your fiancee?" Charlotte asked, walking alongside Ryouga. "Yeah. I can't believe I fell for it. I thought someone actually loved me, despite the curse... then it turned out to just be Ranma in disguise." "Ouch. Poor guy," Charlotte said. "You just haven't had much luck, Ranma or no Ranma. This way, Ryouga," she said for the tenth time that night, pulling Ryouga along before he made a wrong turn. "At least with you helping me, I'll finally get my revenge on Saotome," Ryouga said. "Then, at last... I'll be able to be with Akane. Without the meddling of the rest of Ranma's friends." "You really love her, don't you?" Charlotte asked. "It's... hard to explain. I thought she loved me at first, since she treated me nice when nobody else would, but I realized that was just because I was a cute little pig. But when I'm human, she's still pretty friendly with me... she's the only girl who's given me a fair shake. I just wish I could express that to her without something getting in the way." "Come on, Ryouga, certainly a nice guy like you has had girls other than Akane pay attention to you," Charlotte said. "You're kind, you're witty, you do the right thing and have a neat umbrella." "And I get lost all the time, I turn into a pig when wet and I have an enemy that screws up my life at every step," Ryouga countered. "Being a pig isn't so bad," Charlotte said. "You get used to it." The conversation lulled, looking for a new topic. They kept walking, theater in sight a block away. "You've having fun tonight, right?" she asked, smiling. "Yeah, it's nice," Ryouga said. "I mean, I really never get a chance to talk with a friend." "Friend," Charlotte repeated, smile falling. "We're here," Ryouga said. "Okay... looks like 'True Lies' will be starting in a few minutes, or if you're interested in some animation, they've got 'Fist of the North Star'." "Any non-action movies? They have 'Sleepless in Seattle'." "That's a girl's film," Ryouga scowled. "Well, *I* happen to adore it," Charlotte humphed. "It's a sweet story." "It's boring." "What, you'd rather watch animated behemoths lose six times their body weight in blood?" "Beats mushy stuff," Ryouga said. * "I knew it!" Kunou said, grimacing behind his binoculars. "Look at them fight. She must secretly detest the fact that she is with someone the likes of Hibiki, yet cannot break the spell." "It's awful, I know," Victor said, feigning sadness. "The truth hurts. It's up to YOU, Kunou. Only you can keep her last night in Japan from being a total disaster. After all... lord knows what that Ryouga character was planning to do with her before the night was over..." "He wouldn't!" Kunou gaped. "You never know. Look at the way he's looking at her!" Kunou looked. "They're just arguing." "That's the first step. Don't you ever watch those police shows with domestic disputes? Arguing leads to... other things. Do you want such an object of beauty marred by Hibiki's poor dental work and arcane practices?" Kunou stood up, shaking with rage. "I, Blue Thunder shall liberate the golden haired one and crush Hibiki, in the name of good dates everywhere!" he shouted, holding his bokken high. Lightning crashed, backlighting him dramatically. "Yeah, you go do that. I'll be up on the roof watching," Victor said. "Best of luck." Kunou stomped off, a determined gate keeping him at constant velocity. Victor finally let out that laugh he had been holding in all night. The MORON! He bought the entire story, hook line and SINKER. Charlotte'd be on the first plane out of here tommorow, with good 'ol Kunou making sure she doesn't get away because 'she's enchanted'. The lie worked. This was gonna be Fun with a capital F. Victor grabbed a drainpipe, and scaled the nearest building. Chaos was best observed from high altitudes, where you couldn't get hurt. * "...but how did they manage to light up the building like that in the end?" Ryouga asked. "I mean, that's just silly. Almost a plot device." "It's not supposed to be logical, it's supposed to be romantic," Charlotte said. "By the way, you can officially call this conversation a mistake, Ryouga. You'd better watch your mouth more if you want to succeed with your DEAR Akane." Charlotte spun around, angry. So much for Ryouga the hopeless romantic. Jerk. Hmph. "I..." Ryouga started, realizing where this was going. "Charlotte... I'm sorry. Really. It's just not my kind of movie, really... if I made you mad--" Charlotte turned around to continue arguing, only to have a kendo-shaped blur speed its way between the two of them. Kunou stopped, bokken drawn and ready. "Curse you, Hibiki!" he growled, fire burning in his eyes. "How DARE you violate an innocent maiden such as the golden haired one? I shall strike you down and rescue her!" Charlotte blinked. Did she miss an arrow on her chart? "What are you TALKING about, Kunou?" Ryouga asked, getting angry. "I was about to ask the same thing," Charlotte said. "I don't need to be rescued." "Hah! Her brother told me the whole story, about how you have enslaved her with some magical power," Kunou said. "How dare you take advantage of her like that? This is unforgivable, Hibiki!" Ryouga paused, midway through the motions of reaching for his umbrella. He reconsidered, eyes un-narrowing. "Ah, forget it. Charlotte, let's get inside before the movie's over. I'm not going to ruin our date by fighting this ignorant fool. I've had that happen too many times in the past to let it happen again." "Okay," Charlotte said, walking around from behind Kunou. "Any movie's fine with me. You pick." "If you want to see 'Sleepless in Seattle', we'll see it," Ryouga said. "I don't mind. It'll be fun." "'Fist' isn't THAT bad," she said. "If you'd rather see that..." Kunou trembled in anger. Not only was Hibiki continuing to hold power over the golden haired one, he was IGNORING him! Tatewaki Kunou, the rising star of Furinkan High! Very well, if he dost wish to ignore me, I shall ignore him. Kunou grabbed Charlotte's arm, scooped her up and ran for it. Let's see how the rouge enjoys losing his night's quarry! "?" Charlotte said, as Kunou started to make a run for it, 'rescuing' her from Ryouga. Ryouga blinked, as Kunou rapidly vanished. Vanished, with Charlotte. With his date. With HIS CHARLOTTE. His eyes flashed red, his teeth ground in anger. HOW DARE HE?!!? Ryouga broke into a flat-out run, trailing the kendo champion through the nighttime streets. * Hrm, Victor worried from his rooftop hiding place. Perhaps he went a little to far in Kunou's programming. He was running away with his sister in an attempt to keep Ryouga away from her! Not good. After all, Victor needed her before tonight's flight to France departed from the gate. Victor backed up, and launched into a run, skipping from rooftop to rooftop, trailing the two combatants. Best not let them get away. * "Kunou, what do you think you're doing?" Charlotte asked, skipping along the ground to keep up with his run. "I'm saving you from a fate worse than death, golden haired one." "My brother lied to you, Kunou. He's just using you to get back at me and bring me home!" "Fear not, golden haired one. I know your true wishes. Your brother said that you might claim something like that. Denial can be an ugly thing." Charlotte tried to twist around to see where Ryouga was. Certainly he didn't decide to abandon her? Or what if he did try to chase, and got lost... he could be gone for days... That ride to France is looking awfully assured, she thought in horror. I don't want to go home now! Not when my plans are almost ready to go! I can't leave Ryouga like this... "Do you have her?!" a voice called down from the rooftop. Charlotte looked up... brother dear. Always hiding up high, as usual, where you can't be touched. "Yes! We are victorious against Hibiki!" Kunou replied, continuing his jog. "Yeah, whatever, just remember the deal! Tokyo airport, tonight at ten. Make SURE she's there!!" "A deal is a deal! I believe we can stop running now." Kunou slowed to a stop, turning around to make sure Ryouga wasn't there. He was missing, lost somewhere in the chase. Lost forever, Charlotte thought, crestfallen. Kunou set Charlotte back on her feet. "There. I believe Ryouga has gotten himself lost, much to our benefit." "Exactly. You guys lost him a few blocks back," Victor called down, leaning on the rooftop edge. "I saw him turn and slam right through a building. Boom, collapse, and that was that. Nobody can run through solid brick and live. The airport's this way... I've prepurchased tickets--" "EXPLODING POINT TECHNIQUE!!!!" boomed a voice from inside the building Victor stood on, as the front collapsed in a massive explosion, roof caving in. Victor yelped and fell backwards into the rubble, as the dustcloud rose. Kunou quickly jumped in front of Charlotte to shield her from any debris. Kunou swiped at the dust cloud, bokken swinging wildly. "Who is the coward that hides behind dust? Show thyself!" The dust cleared. Ryouga stood in the center of the damage, unharmed, finger out in the exploding point technique position. He slowly, very slowly lowered his hand. "Hibiki," Kunou identified, adopting to a fighting stance. "Will you never give up? First Akane, and now the golden haired one? I could forgive you for being blinded by Akane's beauty, but for you to lust after one of high lineage is improper!" "Tatewaki Kunou," Ryouga addressed, in a steady tone. "YOU HAVE RUINED MY DATE..." A yellow glow formed around Ryouga, crawling around his skin and balling up between his now outstretched hands. The glow formed a perfect sphere, underlighting the face of Ryouga, a face beyond mere annoyance and all the way into the other side of depression. "Why won't everybody just GO AWAY, and LEAVE US ALONE? ROARING LION BULLET!!!!!" The yellow sphere exploded outward, slamming into Kunou with the force of a speeding New York taxi cab. Kunou was thrown backwards across the street, tumbling in the ki-winds. When the yellow beam finally faded away, a smoking path had been carved in the road, leading all the way to the Tatewaki-shaped hole in the wall. "Much better," Ryouga said, drained and limp. "Now... I think we still might be able to catch the movie..." He collapsed. "Ryouga!" Charlotte called, dashing over to catch him. Ryouga fell into her arms awkwardly, energy spent by the blast. Charlotte smiled. Well, one thing's for sure; he did know how to show a girl a good time. She propped him up, putting an arm around her, and started the long drag back to camp. END - Part 6 (Closing theme : Lambada Ranma (acid burn mix)) All characters copyright Shonen, created by Rumiko Takahashi. Music citations copyright Nothing/TVT. Charlotte and Buford and Victor by Stefan Gagne. Ranma 1/2 : March of the Pigs Part 7 A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne (All characters copyright Rumiko-san, obviously. If I ever even considered claiming that these were my own characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where I'd be forced to eat my own legs to live.) -=- Plot update. Charlotte is about to start The Plan(tm). Nabiki found the campsite and The Plan(tm), but couldn't read french and couldn't figure out what was going to happen. Charlotte and Ryouga's test-date goes sour when Kunou (tricked into believing Ryouga had enchanted Charlotte) shows up looking for a fight. Ryouga tries to ignore him, but gets into a chase and finally manages to blast Kunou with a roaring lion bullet, ruining Victor's plan to get Charlotte out of Japan that night. He collapses, and Charlotte drags him back to camp. BTW, in case you're reading this out of a file, my address is gagne@locust.cic.net for commentary or questions. I'm archiving March of the Pigs at my web site, Spatula City. http://www.wam.umd.edu/~twoflowr/index.html under Aisle Two / March of the Pigs. Check out the Reznor 1/2 picture. :) -=- Ryouga awoke to the sound of boiling water. He gazed up... who took away the stars? What happened to the city? He sat up, eyes meeting the sights of his battered campsite. Charlotte glanced over from the instant ramen she was preparing. "Morning!" she beamed. "You passed out after toasting Kunou's rear, so I dragged you back here to sleep it off." "Ugh," Ryouga said. "That blast... that could possibly be the biggest one I've ever thrown. I hope you weren't hurt..." "I was fine," she said, shifting the noodles around to keep them from getting burned. "When your date starts glowing yellow, it's time to get out of the way, I always say." "Sorry I ruined the date..." "Nonsense. I'd say success with the Akane-date was vacuously proven true. If Kunou hadn't shown up, things would have worked out... and Kunou WON'T be showing up this time." Charlotte flashed several envelopes at Ryouga, pulled from up her sleeve in one swift motion. "Letters of challenge. Most of them, anyway. It varies according to person... to Ranma, it's an invitation to fight Victor, complete with enough insults to make sure he goes along with it. For Nabiki, it's a letter from Victor saying that he needs to meet with her, and has some yen enclosed as a sample. Kunou will be heading for a date with the pig-tailed girl and Victor himself will be going to meet Kunou, who supposedly has me ready to leave." "Where are they all going?" "Happy Fun World. Little down-at-the-heels amusement park. I picked it by location, really; it's miles away from here. Even if they realize it's a trap, it'll probably be too late to come back and stop you. Plus, I've gotten letters already delivered to Kodachi, Shampoo, Ukyou, and even Mousse to go there for similar reasons. I predict one massive slugfest, a lot of confusion, and absolutely nothing to stand in the way of you and Akane." "Wow," Ryouga said. "You've got it planned to a T, don't you?" "It's my art," she said. "Here, eat up. I have some last minute letters to deliver. I'll be by at nine AM sharp to guide you over to the Tendos, which should be surprisingly empty. Just ask Akane if she'd like to go get some food on this fine Sunday morning... nothing special. Take it from there. Be nice and courteous and show her you've got what it takes. And remember to TELL her you love her this time! Nobody'll interfere." "Okay... got it," Ryouga said, committing the instructions to memory. "And Charlotte?... thanks." "No problem," Charlotte said. She hopped over, gave him a quick peck on the cheek and dashed off into the woods, clutching her letters. Funny, what was that for? Ryouga wondered. He pulled his watch out of his pack, and counted the minutes until nine. * REC.ARTS.ANIME.STORIES PRESENTS (musical insert : no music. Morning noises mostly) Ranma slept soundly, in his usual sprawled-out-all-over-the- place position on the floor. A window nearby slid open quietly, and an envelope drifted in from the morning air, fluttering its way to land in his mouth. He woke with a start, oxygen supply cut off. He yanked it out and opened it... IN ASSOCIATION WITH FANFICTION WE'D LIKE TO SEE AND NOTHING/TVT Nabiki was already awake, doing her weekly ritual of income tracking. A few thousand yen from Kunou for pictures... various bets on fights... hmmm. She glanced over, and noticed an envelope someone had slid under the door. What could this be? She opened it up and read it, kanji sloppy but still readable... complete with Victor's signature and a small roll of yen. RANMA 1/2 : Victor yawned, stretching. He had picked a posh hotel to use as his base of operations, but even a comfy-sleeper mattress couldn't work the kinks out of his back from last night. Damn that Hibiki! Buford was bad enough, but she had to side with someone that could destroy BUILDINGS?! He'd need someone stronger than Kunou if he wanted to get Charlotte back home at this rate. He noticed the red light on his phone blinking... had someone left him a message at the front desk? MARCH OF THE PIGS Charlotte glanced at the final envelope. Kunou wasn't really as big of a risk as the others, but with Sasuke, she'd never be 100% sure that the date would go off with nobody noticing. This letter should finalize it, though. After all, the pig-tailed girl wanted Sasuke along too, and Kunou would do whatever the pig-tailed girl wanted... she slid the note under the door of the Kunou mansion, and was surprised to see it pulled from her hand... the door opened... "Golden haired one!" Kunou gasped. "Quick, in here before Hibiki sees you!" Charlotte was yanked in, and the door shut. PART 7 : CLOSER * Ryouga looked at his watch. It was nine thirty. Charlotte was late. What should he do? If he tried to go to the Tendo dojo by himself, he might never arrive. If he waited too long, Ranma and the others might make it back from the meeting place and interrupt things. He had no choice. He had to try to find the dojo by himself. It was either that or lose his one chance to see Akane. He uttered a silent prayer to whatever gods of lost things found again there were, and took the first step... * Ranma didn't get it. If Victor wanted a rematch, why would he pick such an out of the way location? Ranma had to get a taxi to bring him here, spending quite a bit of his money in the process. He would have let it slide, if it weren't for the various cracks in the letter about not being 'man enough' to face Victor. He was gonna PAY for that. Happy Fun World was barely populated. Ranma counted three tourists, max, plus maybe five ride attendees. It was one of those amusement parks that took the amuse out of amusing, and just concentrated on spinning you around fast enough to encourage projectile vomiting. At least nobody'd be around to get hurt by accident, Ranma thought. Ranma wandered over to the appointed fighting place... right next the cotton candy machine, according to the letter. No Victor. Did he chicken out? Or was he lost, like that cretin Ryouga always was? "Ranma?" Nabiki asked, peeking from the other side of the cotton candy machine. "What're you doing out here?" "Nabiki?" "Me, yes." "I'm supposed to be fighting Victor," he said. "Apparently he wants a rematch after I pounded him a few days ago." "Fight? He's supposed to be meeting me here to discuss some information exchange," Nabiki said. "He was pretty vague in his letter... I guess he changed his mind about hiring me as a consultant." "What is the full story with him, anyway?" Ranma asked. "He's been really vague whenever I saw him too. Just something about catching his sister, for some reason." "He's from a wealthy fr..." Nabiki started. No; wait. He tricked her into signing that contract, she thought, pulling it out of a pocket on her shirt. Best not let Ranma know too much. Wait. Something was wrong. "Ranma, let me see your letter," Nabiki said, plucking the challenge letter from Ranma's hand and examining it. The signature matched the letter she had received today. No problems there. "Maybe I'll hold off annihilating the twerp," Ranma said. "I've got some questions to ask him first." "Something's wrong here..." Nabiki mused, trying to figure out what was striking her as odd about the letters. Odd. "Anybody seen Kunou?" Victor said, approaching the two from the ferris wheel. "We were supposed to be meeting here tACKK--" "Start talking," Ranma said, holding Victor against the candy machine. "What's going on here? Why'd you invite me AND Nabiki out to this place?" "I... ugh... didn't invite either of you," he said. "What's going on?" "Odd... the 'o's don't match," Nabiki said. "The contract signature isn't the same... but I'm here, and Ranma, and Victor, and Kunou's supposed to... the plan!" "What plan?" Ranma asked, keeping Victor from squirming away. "Ranma, I think we'd better--" "THERE YOU ARE!" Mousse shouted, diving down from the top of the ferris wheel. "How dare you claim Shampoo to your own, Ranma?!" "What?!" Ranma blurted, confusion mounting. "I got your letter," Mousse said, pulling out an identical envelope. "You have no right to send out wedding invitations to the marriage of Shampoo and Ranma! Shampoo is MY bride!" "What is the meaning of this, Ranma?" Ukyou said, waving another letter in the air (along with her spatula) as she rushed to join the others. "My letter says the same thing! How could you marry her when you're engaged to me?" "You've got some explaining to do, Ranma," Kodachi said, ribbon whipping around Ranma's arm and pulling him over to her. "I thought you and I were meant for each other, sweetums!" "Hey, wait a minute--" Ranma started, before being knocked aside by the flat of a giant spatula. "He's engaged to ME," Ukyou said, stepping in the space Ranma was occupying. Ding-a-ling-ding! A bicycle fell out of the sky, landing on Ranma's already battered form. "Ranma! I so happy you decide to marry Shampoo!" Shampoo squealed, hopping off her bike. "If he's marrying anyone, it's going to be ME," Ukyou said, grabbing Shampoo's handlebars and lifting the bike off of Ranma. "Ranma already sent letter saying he marrying Shampoo," Shampoo said. "You want him, you fight me!" "Sounds fine with me," Ukyou said, pushing her sleeve up (the traditional tough-guy pose). The brawl started. * Ryouga opened his eyes. He made it! The Tendo dojo! He found it on his own! It could only be the spirit of true love guiding him. Either that or he was lucky, the one moment of luck he'd ever had. He cheerfully opened the door and entered. "Where is Akane Tendo?" he demanded. "I'm right here," Akane said, pulling on her coat. "Have you seen Ranma? Or Nabiki. I was just heading out to look for them." "Ummm... yeah. Nabiki and Ranma. Umm. I think they're on a date," Ryouga lied. UGH! Bad line, he thought. Surely I could have thought of something better than that to tell her?! "A what?" Akane asked. "Ranma's... DATING my sister?" "Well, not re--" "That idiot!" she growled. "Humph. Well, if he wants her, he can have her. Jerk." "Err, Akane..." "WHAT?" "Do you want to go get something to eat?" Ryouga blurted, stepping back to avoid Akane's blows of rage. None were coming. "Alright. I guess I've got nothing else to do right now. Let's go." Akane walked out the door, past Ryouga. Ryouga blinked. It worked! He was finally on a date with his beloved Akane! Skipping with joy, he ambled out the door, towards his destiny. * "I'm not hungry," Charlotte said, pushing the bowl away. "But dear, you must be famished, what with Hibiki treating you to lower-class fast food last night," Kunou said. "For land's sakes, Kunou, I was dating him of my own free will!" Charlotte complained. "There's no need to keep me here, I can make decisions for myself." "I am afraid I cannot let a delicate flower such as you be recaptured by that fool Hibiki," Kunou said. "He has bested me once, but not again. If he wishes to steal you away, he must get through me to do it." "Kunou, I'm late for a VERY IMPORTANT date," Charlotte said. "I've got to get going. Can you please unlock the door?" "It is for the best, golden haired one. Once I get through to your brother, you may return to your home country with him and forget this Ryouga nonsense. Now eat up. Kodachi didn't make it, it's quite healthy and good for you." Charlotte sulked. Well, at least Kunou wouldn't be nagging Ryouga on his date. I've succeeded, she thought. Ryouga, wherever you are... I hope you're happy. Now she'd be lugged back to France, back to boring home life locked in her room while mom and daddums look for a cure to her 'curse'. Exchanging a lifetime of her misery for a lifetime of Ryouga's joy. Well... it was an even trade, all things considered. The door burst open, lock snapping. Kunou whipped around, lit by the beam of light that flooded the dining room from the broken door. A massive man cast his shadow along the room, a shadow topped by a cut, singed and otherwise battered cowboy hat. "You okay, Charlotte?" he asked. "Fine, Buford!" she grinned, applaud. "I'm glad to see you again!" "Who is this that DARES to break into the Kunou mansion?!" Kunou demanded. "Speak thy name!" "S'Buford," he grunted. "I believe you've got a friend of mine there. We'll just be going now." "Hibiki sent you, more likely than not," Kunou said, raising his bokken. "I shall strike you down before you take her! Defend yourself!" Buford charged, the speed of the boar behind him. Kunou picked up velocity as well, covering the long dining room in a matter of moments. It was a game of chicken, each on two legs instead of four wheels. Buford dove under, cutting Kunou off at the knees and sliding to a halt. Kunou skidded fifteen feet on his face, eventually smashing in a ming vase (price : $150,000). "Hoser," Buford said, giving Kunou's form the finger. "Boars don't attack high. Oughtta know that. Alright, let's get moving." "How'd you get here?" she asked, hopping out of her chair. "I've been tailing you for the last few hours," he said. "I dunno, I guess I kinda felt bad about ditching you like that, especially in a town of psychos like HIM. I headed back here to make sure you were okay, and let you know I had come back... 'cept I didn't really want to let you know... pride and all..." "I understand," she said. "And I'm sorry too, Buford. I haven't been treating you fairly lately. You've always been there to make sure I don't get caught. I want to thank you for that..." "Thanks are for later. If I recall, you were trying to get Ryouga going on a date?" "Yeah." "Good. I think he'd be interested in this too. I found a cure for Jusenkyo curses." * Ranma's world was spinning. Let's see... first he was grabbed by Kodachi, twisting his arm, then Ukyou hit him, then he was biked by Shampoo... then the three girls started fighting over him, grabbing and pulling him around... Mousse started pounding him, then Shampoo pounded Mousse for doing it... just black from there on. Life was never easy for Ranma. "You okay, Ranma?" Nabiki asked, waving some cotton candy under his nose. Mmmm... candy... "Sorta," he said, trying not to move. "Did I win?" "No. Actually, the fight's still going on. Victor and I managed to drag you out of it. I'd better warn you, all of those letters were forged." "Sister dear never did master my o's," Victor said, waving a false letter around. "Go figure." "I saw a plan at Ryouga's campsite. It had something to do with keeping us away while Ryouga and Akane did something." "What?" Ranma asked. "Who?" "Ryouga and Akane. Are you sure you're fine?" "Oh no!" Ranma gasped. "He couldn't be..." "What?" "He's dating her!" * "Are you okay, Akane?" Ryouga asked, as Akane wolfed down her third cup of noodles. "I'm fine," she said. "Just... angry at that Ranma." "Don't worry, I'll punish him later. For now, just try to enjoy the afternoon air," Ryouga suggested. "It is a nice day, after all." Akane nodded between mouthfuls. Ryouga was puzzled. The date was going... but it wasn't much of a date. She was eating and they talked a bit, sure, but it wasn't TALKING talking. He shouldn't have goofed that line to explain where Ranma was. Akane was too angry to have fun. Maybe if I stepped things up, she'd have more fun, Ryouga thought. She'd be able to forget about Ranma. "Say, Akane, I hear that 'Sleepless in Seattle' is playing at the theater. Would you like to go?" "Why not?" Akane said. "You lead the way." Ryouga panicked. "On second thought, I'll lead the way," Akane said. "PSST!" pssted a voice from behind Ryouga. "Yoo hoo! It's Charlotte! How's the date going?" "Err... you start heading there, Akane, I'll catch up in a minute," Ryouga said. Akane nodded and walked off, slowly so Ryouga would be sure to find her. "I don't know," Ryouga whispered to the plant behind him. "It's okay, but not really... working." Charlotte nodded from behind the leaves. "Have faith, Ryouga. You're a sweet guy, she'll see that. Buford's back, by the way. He said he found a cure for the curse!" "He did?!" Ryouga asked, jaw slack. "Yeah! This blue soap. It's supposedly waterproof!" Ryouga drooped. "No... we've tried that. It only works once. It--" A taxi pulled up next to the cafe, door opening. Ryouga ignored it. "It wears off, just like all the other cures. I'd better go catch up with Akane." "RYOUGA!" Ranma called, jumping out of the cab and grabbing Ryouga by the shirt. "What do you think you're doing?!" "R..ranma?" Ryouga asked, scared witless. "Yeah, me! What's the deal you and that girl have going? Why'd you lure everybody we knew out of town?" "How did you... how did you know?" "Faked handwriting," Victor said, helping Nabiki out of the cab and settling the bill with the cabbie. "Don't think I can't see you behind that silly bit of greenery, little sister. You can come on out now." Charlotte peeked around the potted plant. "Damn. I knew I should have spent more time practicing your signature... look, I'm sorry I had to trick everybody, but if you could all please move off to the side, I promised Ryouga this date would go off without a hitch--" "So I WAS right," Ranma said, setting Ryouga down. "Well, Ryouga, I've ruined your dates before and I can do it again. If you thought that for one minute I'd let you do this to Akane--" "RANMA!!!" Akane screamed, charging. Ryouga wisely got out of the way as Akane landed a resounding SLAP!!!! across Ranma's face. Ranma reeled under the force of the blow, fighting to stay on his feet. "Ryouga told me how you decided to go out on a date with Nabiki," Akane said, fuming. "If you want to be her fiancee again, be my guest and don't expect me to pay you again." "What?" Ranma asked, rubbing his cheek. "Ryouga! You KNOW I was doing no such thing." Ryouga didn't respond. He was beyond words, watching the carefully planned date collapse around him. How could this happen? So close... so much closer to what he wanted, and once again the rug was yanked out... "Actually, sister, it was her who planned this," Nabiki said, pointing to Charlotte. "She got everybody out of town so that Ryouga could ask you out on a date." "We're not ON a date, Nabiki. He just offered to buy me lunch and a movie." "That's the definition, dear," Victor said. "Don't worry, little sister does infantile stuff like this all the time. You get used to it." Ryouga stood there, hunched over slightly. He couldn't escape it. One way or another, fate did not want him and Akane together. It was obvious that he was doomed to the misery of never, ever being with her... A yellow glow started to form around Ryouga as his depression mounted. Charlotte yeeked and grabbed Ryouga, pulling him behind the plant. "Look, before you reach critical mass, I gotta ask you something," she said, pulling a plastic disc out of her dress pocket. "Do you really love Akane?" "Yes," Ryouga said through the haze of his own feelings. "You want to be with her?" "Yes." "Forever and ever?" "Yes." "You want this with all your heart?" "Yes." "You love her more than me?" "Yes. Huh? I mean--" "Alright," she said. "Then we go with the backup plan." Charlotte stood Ryouga up in front of her, maneuvered around the four arguing kids and took aim. With a mighty shove, she pushed Ryouga into the fray, bumping him against Akane. She popped the mirror open, aiming the silver glass at the two. She looked away, and tapped the back of the mirror. "Goodbye, Ryouga," she said as the white light flooded the cafe. When the light had passed and the spots cleared everybody's eyes, Akane and Ryouga were gone. END - Part 7 (Closing theme : light piano music) All characters copyright Shonen, created by Rumiko Takahashi. Music citations copyright Nothing/TVT. Charlotte and Buford and Victor by Stefan Gagne. Ranma 1/2 : March of the Pigs Part 8 A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne (All characters copyright Rumiko-san, obviously. If I ever even considered claiming that these were my own characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where I'd be forced to eat my own legs to live.) -=- We're near the end, folks! Okay. Here's the deal. Charlotte wrote little invitation letters to try and keep most of the population of Furinkan away from Akane and Ryouga, trusting Ryouga's natural charm to carry it off. However, Kunou grabbed her and kept her hostage before she could tag along on the date. Ryouga somehow finds the dojo, and when Akane asks where Ranma and Nabiki went, he accidentally says they're on a date. Akane is pissed and agrees to go out with Ryouga, although not for the right reasons. Nabiki and Victor drag Ranma away from the unavoidable bar- room-brawl that the meeting spot turns into. Meanwhile, Buford shows up again and kicks Kunou's ass, rescuing Charlotte. He apologizes for ditching her, she apologizes for treating him like a pet, and that's that. Charlotte arrives to see how the date's going just as Ranma arrives... things fall apart. Majorly. Charlotte resorts to her backup plan, using a mirror (a family heirloom) and now, Akane and Ryouga are missing in action... -=- (note : no beefed up action packed credits here, just simple white titles on black background. No music.) Rec.arts.anime.stories Presents In association with Fanfiction We'd Like to See and Nothing/TVT Ranma 1/2 : March of the Pigs Part 8 : Further Away. -=- The crowd in front of the cafe stared in silence. Where Akane and Ryouga were was two wisps of mist, rapidly mixing in with the air and disappearing. Soon they were gone. Charlotte was still standing, pocket mirror outstretched and pointed where the couple used to be. She relaxed, closing the mirror and pocketing it. "It is done," she said. "I feel... better now." "What's done?" Ranma asked. "What did you do? WHAT DID YOU DO WITH AKANE?" "They're gone, obviously," she said. "Ryouga said he wanted to be with her forever. If that's what Ryouga wanted, that's what he got. I'll miss him." "FOREVER?!" Ranma yelled. "Ranma... calm down, we'll get her back..." Nabiki said. "Sister... tell me that's not what I think it is," Victor said. "Tell me you did NOT swipe the ban-nan mirror from mum's dresser. The one that has been in the family for generations..." "Of course I did," she said. "I figured if I couldn't escape you, I'd just slip away with it and not come back. I meant it when I said I wasn't going back home, Victor, one way or another." "A nan-ban mirror?" Ranma asked. "But nobody cried on it..." "A BAN-NAN mirror," Charlotte corrected. "It works differently. If a female from my family touches the back of the mirror, whoever it's aimed at is sent off." "Where?" Ranma asked. "WHERE did they go?" * Ryouga looked up from his Grisham novel, blinded momentarily by the island sun. He looked around. It was... no, it couldn't be. How did he end up in one of his own dreams? What happened? "Akane?" he called, glancing around the beach. "AKANE!" "I'm right here, Ryouga," she said, in the chair next to his. "Although... I have no idea where here is..." "Neither do I," he said. "I remember Charlotte pushing me... and a light... and boom." The waves lapped against the shore, the foam receding back every few seconds. "Ryouga, what's going on?" "It's... complicated," Ryouga said, eyeing the water nervously. "Look, Akane, I really should have said this before... I just never had the guts to, and when I did something always got in the way, but there's nobody here to argue or yell or hit each other, so..." Ryouga took a deep breath. "I love you, Akane." Akane's eyes wobbled. Huh? Why was Ryouga saying this? "I knew it from the day I saw you, back when I was fighting Ranma over that ridiculous bread deal. I tried to tell you before, really, but with all the chaos and mayhem that breaks out on a daily basis at your school, I've never been able to..." "Is that what this was all about?" Akane asked, razor's edge entering her voice. "Is that what you and that blonde girl were planning? Getting everybody out of town just so you could go out on a... DATE with me?" "Yeah. Akane, no, I'm sorry, but you need to realize that I wouldn't have done it if I thought there was any other way! Please, don't hit me!" "How could you be so inconsiderate?" she asked. "Using tricks and lies to be alone with me? Claiming Nabiki was dating Ranma? Luring Ranma, MY fiancee into a trap to be thrashed while you could take me around town?" Ryouga sulked. He was going to get hit, he was going to arc into the water, and that would be that. She may hate me now, but she'll despise me later. Even when given a chance to be with her forever, he screwed things u-- "Oh no!" he exclaimed, eyes growing wide. "It can't be!" "What?" "Charlotte... the blonde girl... she asked me before we got here if I really loved you, and wanted to be with you forever... I said yes... and she said that mirror was magic..." "You mean... we're stuck here? Forever?" "I think so," Ryouga said, sinking in his chair. "I didn't know THIS would happen. Really. I had nothing but good intentions, Akane... I really do love you..." "Good," she said. "Because I HATE YOU!" The fist smashed under his jaw, and Ryouga shot into the sky, up and over the rest of the island behind Akane. She heard a distant splash. "I HATE YOU!" she called again, tumbling out of her chair and sobbing on the sand. * "Alright, all of you back off and give the lady some room here," Buford said, keeping the pack at arm's length. "She's a bit broken up, if you didn't notice, so let's all calm down and talk rational, okay?" "Calm down?" Ranma gagged. "She just banished Akane to another dimension! I am NOT calm about that?" "Get calm or I'll MAKE you calm," Buford said, waving a helpful fist near Ranma's face. "Please, there's no need to get violent," Victor said. "We just need to have little sister ban-nan us over to Ryouga's dream world and get your precious spine-crushing Akane out of there. Very easy. Then I'll head back to France and we'll call it a day." "I'm not sending anyone else there," Charlotte said, crossing her arms. "And you can't activate the mirror. Only a female of our line. Ryouga and Akane are staying put." "Why on earth do you think those two belong together?" Ranma said. "I mean, come ON!" "Ryouga loves her," Charlotte said. "I can see that. He always has. He deserves someone like her. Besides, it's not as if YOU love her." "..." Ranma said, pausing in his accusatory stance. "Come on, I see how you fight and insult each other. Why haven't you two just broken off the engagement if you don't like each other? It's not like arranged marriages are common. You can claim coercion and annul or something like that." "..." Ranma added. "She's only got four major suitors. Kunou's a jerk, so he's not acceptable. Gosunkuji's okay, but is mostly a head over heels type who doesn't know what he's getting into. You call her uncute and abuse her at every turn. Ryouga is a nice, caring person who appreciates Akane for what she is. Process of elimination, you lose." "She's got you there," Nabiki shrugged, finding a good place to enter the conversation. "Well... we do have some problems, granted... but that's no reason to do what you did!" Ranma said, rushing Charlotte. A large hand blocked his way. "I warned you, Saotome," Buford said. "Don't bother, Buford," Charlotte said. "He doesn't hit girls. I'm fine." "You sure about that?" Buford said, keeping his hand upraised. "Positive." "I wasn't going to hit her," Ranma said, backing off. "Look, Mr. Tendo is going to go into conniptions if I come home and say that his daughter has been sent to another universe. Please send me over with the mirror to get her back for him." "Not a good enough reason," Charlotte said. "I'll pay you," Nabiki suggested, knowing full well it wouldn't work. Charlotte shook her head. "I'll drag you back to France if you don't," Victor said. "I'll beat you into the pavement if you try," Buford said, pushing a sleeve up. "I'd go," Charlotte said. "I'd go back home before I'd let anybody interfere with them. Now, does anybody have any other reasons?" "Kunou would be unhappy?" Ranma tried. "Good for him. He deserves a bad turn after the mess he made of our date." "You dated Ryouga?" Nabiki asked. "Of course," Charlotte said. "Had to make sure today's date would work. It would have, if it wasn't for you fellows. Ryouga's a charming, intelligent, kind man who deserves more than the punishment you deal out on him, Saotome. I'm doing this because I care enough about him not to have him live in the hell he exists in now. You know what he was like when I found him? Depressed. Angsty. Nearly suicidal. These last few days have probably been the happiest he's ever had in his life... and I guess the future ones will be just as happy. It would take quite a reason to get me to use this mirror again and disturb him." Ranma considered this. He was backed into a corner. No way out now... "Alright," he said. "You want a reason? I got a reason. I love Akane too. There, I've said it. I hope you're happy." * Akane was on page 11 and finding it harder to concentrate. The novel was an easy read... a novel adaptation of a movie adaptation from a novel. Julia was already on her third hairdo change. Still, she had more pressing things pressing her mind. Ryouga no baka... why'd he have to get her into this mess? Why'd he have to be such a love-starved fool to get her trapped on a desert island with him for eternity... sigh. Well, he does like me, she thought. You can't hate him for that. You can hate him for how he chose to express it, but not for what he is. Unrequited love was a horrible thing... Dr. Tofu, for example. Akane remembered how broken up she was after that. I'd better go talk to him, she thought, setting the pulp novel down on her chair. She calculated where on the island he probably landed, and started walking through the light jungle that comprised the center of the island. * "You serious?" Charlotte asked. "Of course I'm serious! You don't say things like that without being serious. That's my reason. If that's not reason enough, then I can't think of what could be." "I don't get it. If you love her, what's up with the fighting?" "That's just what we do," he said. "It was like that from day one and it'll always be like that. Doesn't mean anything. I don't think I could live with her stuck in some warped figment of Ryouga's imagination. Dad would pound me, Mr. Tendo would crack, everybody would beat me up and I would feel really lousy too without her." "What about her? What does she think about you?" Charlotte asked. "I... I'm not sure. I'm guessing it's mutual, but hard to see through the fighting and the yelling and the bickering," Ranma said. "I know for a fact though that she doesn't give a flying flop about Ryouga." "Ranma!" "I'm serious. She's friends with him, sure, but she's never considered him anything more than that. Sure, she might be touched to hear what he really feels, but I just don't see an eternal love between the two. He's not her type." "You don't know that. They could learn to love each other." "And if they don't?" Ranma asked. "They're eating coconuts for the rest of their lives when they could be looking for other people, or watching movies, or seeing friends or whatever. You don't have any right to take that away from them." "You mind not badgering her?" Buford said. "It's been a hard day--" "Buford. Buddy. I know you're sorry about ditching me and are feeling pretty protective right now," Charlotte said, "But can it, please. I'm talking with Ranma. So what do you want me to do about it, Saotome?" "At least give me a chance to go in there and see how they're doing," Ranma said. "If she's actually happy with Ryouga... we'll leave them there." "Ranma!" Nabiki gasped. "You can't do that!" "I'll face my beatings with a smile if that's the case," Ranma said. "I'm just hoping it's not." "Alright. A chance I can do," Charlotte said. "Buford, stay here and make sure Victor doesn't flee. Nabiki, wait until we're back before telling your dad any of this. We've got a date in someone's imagination." Charlotte slid over to Ranma, and pulled out the ban-nan mirror. "You might want to close your eyes," she said, tapping the mirror. The light flooded the sidewalk... and the two were gone, mists on the breeze. * "Ryouga-kun?" Akane called lightly, through the jungle opening. She walked out, looking around the opposite beach for him. There were some wet footprints... and some animal tracks, for some reason... but no Ryouga. "Sorry I hit you," she offered weakly. "I was just angry, that's all. I won't pound you this time." "Promise?" a quiet voice spoke from somewhere on the beach. "Promise." Ryouga popped out from behind a boulder, wet and a bit foamy from the surf. "Akane..." "Me first. I had no idea, Ryouga, really. If you had told me earlier... preferably without the quaint forced island setting... I probably would have taken it better." "I tried," he said. "Quite a few times. I just never had enough luck. Remember last christmas? When Nabiki managed to sell Ranma to Kodachi, Ukyou and Shampoo?" Akane winced. "Yeah, I remember." "Well, I knew that we were going to be exchanging presents that day... I had picked you out a locket. No, really. It wasn't much, barely gold by any jeweler's opinion, but it was all I could afford. I was going to tell you then..." "...but I just ran past you," Akane remembered. "Umm. Sorry, Ryouga." "It's alright. I've experienced worse," he said. "You really deserve better than Ranma, Akane. He's rude, obnoxious, violent and generally not a nice guy. I love you, Akane, which is better than you can expect from HIM." "Ranma's not THAT bad," Akane said, sitting down on a rock. "Well, he's a pain in the fanny sometimes and can be rude, but that's just because he's a male pig." Ryouga panicked momentarily, but quickly resumed a normal face. "Go on," he urged. "He's okay. Nice, really, when he wants to be. Just that from day one we've argued, and that pattern just stuck... I do like him... a lot..." "Do you like me?" Ryouga asked. "Of course, Ryouga!" she said. "Really?" he asked, eyes widening. "Yes, really. Just not in th--" The beach filled with light, blinding the two. Ryouga fell off his rock and into the sea foam. The light receded, leaving Ranma and Charlotte standing in the dunes. "Akane!" Ranma called. "Are you alright?" "RANMA!" Akane shouted, joyed. She ran over to him, arms out, and stopped as soon as she realized what she was doing. "Umm... how'd you get here?" "I'm giving him a chance," Charlotte said, folding the mirror. "Get to it, loverboy." "Loverboy?" Akane asked. "I just wanted to ask," Ranma said, ignoring the comment, "Are you happy here with Ryouga? Is this want you want?" "Yes she is!" Ryouga said, pulling himself back up on the rock. "I heard her say it. Go on, Akane, tell him." "Well... Ryouga's nice... but... I'm sorry, Ryouga, I just don't love you back in the same way." Ryouga's face fell. "Don't take that the wrong way," Akane weakly offered. "But... you said you liked me..." "I do, Ryouga. Just not like that. You're one of Ranma's only friends, and a nice guy, really--" "Friend?" Ryouga asked. "FRIEND? RANMA'S FRIEND? THE MAN WHO'S TAKEN YOU FROM ME? I DON'T THINK SO!" Ryouga pulled his trusty umbrella out of his pack, eyes blazing with fire. "Err.. Ryouga... you might want to calm down before you prove fusion power is possible again..." Charlotte said. "Ranma, at every turn you've been in the way. First bread, then at Jusenkyo, then with Akane. Revenge will not want a single moment longer!" "Jusenkyo?" Akane asked, confused. "Ryouga, I don't want to fight you, not here," Ranma said. "Let's get back to reality, then we can talk this out--" "I'm through talking!" Ryouga shouted, slamming the umbrella point into the ground, which depressed into a crater six feet across. "Is the sky darkening, or is it just me?" Charlotte asked, growing quite nervous. "She may never love me, but it'll be a cold day in hell before she'll have someone the likes of you! DEFEND YOURSELF!" Ryouga screamed, charging. "Akane! Charlotte! Get out of the way!" Ranma shouted, pushing Akane into the clear as Ryouga charged in, slamming his umbrella against Ranma's jaw. Ranma shot backwards four feet, falling into a spiralling abyss. "Hey, when did that get there?" Charlotte asked, pointing to the hole. Ryouga ignored her and dove in after him. "Where did they go?" Akane asked. "Uh-oh," Charlotte said, examining the hole. "I forgot. This whole island is part of Ryouga's imagination... an imagination which he still has some control over..." "Which means..." "Saotome's in for a lot of trouble," Charlotte concluded. END - Part 8 (Closing theme : March of the Pigs (Intro Only)) All characters copyright Shonen, created by Rumiko Takahashi. Music citations copyright Nothing/TVT. Charlotte and Buford and Victor by Stefan Gagne. In case it's not already mentioned, I welcome commentary and questions at my e-mail address at the bottom of the document. It certainly beats pong kombat mail. :) On with the ending... -=- Ranma 1/2 : March of the Pigs Part 9 (final) A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne (All characters copyright Rumiko-san, obviously. If I ever even considered claiming that these were my own characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where I'd be forced to eat my own legs to live.) -=- And here I was thinking part eight would be the end. This is it, though, folks. See the end of the story for series wrap- up info and thanks. I could extend this to a ten parter and make for a nice round number, but there are only nine halos, and I've been keeping this silly nin pun going so far... To recap; Charlotte banished Ryouga and Akane into a dimension based on Ryouga's imagination so they could be alone together forever. Ranma admits he loves Akane, and Charlotte decides to give him one chance to see if Akane wants to return. Ryouga accepts that Akane doesn't love him, but vows to destroy Saotome to keep him from ending up with her. The two jump into a hole in Ryouga's mind, which leads them somewhere... darker... -=- "This is partly why the family doesn't use the ban-nan mirror anymore," Charlotte explained. "Sure, it makes for good picnics and weekend escapes, but in the wrong hands... say, Victor's... it can be extremely hazardous." "Can Ryouga really kill Ranma here?" Akane asked. "I mean, this is just a dream, right?" Charlotte pinched Akane. "OW!" "There are dreams and then there are dreams," Charlotte said. "I get the feeling that Ranma's really in for it this time. I've seen what Ryouga can do when he's mad or depressed... I hate to think how powerful he's going to be without the restrictions of the physical world." "We've got to do something!" Akane said. "I'm not just going to stand by and let Ranma get killed!" "Ditto. Ryouga could crush his own brain if he overexerts himself. I figure if he tries a roaring lion whatsit in here, it'll toast everything, including him and us." "So what do we do?" Akane asked. Charlotte thought. "Well..." she pointed to the hole. "You mean... go in there?" Akane asked, looking at the downwardly spiraling trench of Ryouga's hatred. Hideous, half formed nightmares lurked there, the thoughts you tried to keep hidden from everybody, including yourself... * (Soundtrack note : Mixes of various songs are needed here to enhance the mood... remove the lyrics and take the hard parts of Burn, Closer to God (coil remix) and Eraser for instance. One particular song won't do it... yet.) RANMA 1/2 : MARCH OF THE PIGS PART 9 (FINAL) : NOTHING CAN STOP ME NOW Ranma tumbled down the abyss, mind reeling. Where was he? Was he in hell? Distorted shapes reached out of the walls, burning with malevolence, colored pus yellow and dark black. "SAOTOME!" cried a voice above him. Ryouga was diving, umbrella point first, directly at him. "YOU WILL DIE HERE!" A thousand arms reached out for Ranma, grabbing him and wrapping around like fresh tar. He was immobilized in the tube, straining against the forces of Ryouga's depression, being pulled apart at the seams... Ryouga swooped down, hovering just above Ranma. His eyes burned red with anger and sadness, tears of pain flowing freely. He pulled out the umbrella, opening it with a SNAP. "If she never has me, she'll never have YOU either," he said, spinning the umbrella in one hand. He made a slicing maneuver with it, but Ranma managed to wiggle away enough for the whirling umbrella edge to only cut his shirt sleeve. "Hold still and let me finish you!" Ryouga demanded, swinging wildly. His umbrella span, silver edge slicing through the rubber arms that held him in place, causing inhuman wails to erupt from the walls. Ryouga covered his ears in pain, letting the umbrella fall... cutting through the last of Ranma's bonds. Ranma rubbed off the remaining tar and free-fell, praying that the bottom wasn't covered in spikes or something like that. The bottom was covered in spikes. Ranma quickly examined the pattern, and twisted his body into an awkward position... landing in such a way as to go around the spikes, but damaging his body in the process. "Arggh," he groaned, pulling himself back up to standing. "RANMA!" Ryouga called, landing on the tip of one of the spikes, standing on it as easily as standing on a pole. "Ryouga, jeez, calm down!" Ranma yelled. "Look, I'm sorry things didn't turn out the way you wanted! Hell, my life hasn't been a bed of roses either!" "SHUT UP! You have no idea the hell I've endured!" "Join the club! I've got three fiancees, several blood enemies, and a sex change problem. Don't even START to think that I'm happy." "At least YOU have Akane," Ryouga said, grabbing a few bandannas from his pack. "Who'd want an uncute tomboy like that?" Ranma reflexively said. The walls ignited on fire. "You take that back about her!" Ryouga demanded, swinging his bandannas in one hand while pointing an accusatory finger. "You take that back NOW!" The bandannas flew, tripling in size to become whirring blades as the skimmed around Ranma. One of them lopped off his ponytail. Ranma blinked. He felt up near his hairline, at the broken stub of hair, still with the string that bound it in place. "You... cut... my... HAIR..." Ranma said, picking up the severed ponytail in his hand. He clenched it in his fist. Ranma charged. * "Boy... Ryouga must have been more depressed than I thought..." Akane called out, as the two girls free-fell down the pit. "I've been with him for the last few days. He's really been down. Poor guy. He really deserves someone like you." "But I don't love him," Akane said. "He's nice, he's sweet, but he's not Ranma." "Eh?" "Sorry. Slip of the tongue... I meant to say, he's not... umm... what's an adjective that rhymes with 'Ranma'?" "Save it, I get the picture," Charlotte smiled, blue bow whipping behind her in the wind of gravity. "Sigh. I guess my plans didn't work. I'm sorry to manipulate you like that, but Ryouga really seemed to like you, and I wanted to make him happy..." "It's okay," Akane said. "I wonder what's at the bottom of this pit, anyway?" * (Soundtrack note : Okay, the moment you've all been waiting for. Take Halo Eight (the downward spiral) and go to March of the Pigs. It's time. This is meant to be played extended and without the piano parts, though, to keep with the pace, but the original should catch some of the mood...) "One of us isn't leaving here alive, Saotome!" Ryouga said. "It comes down to this." "Fine with me," he said, casting the useless fibers of his hair aside. "You're so intent on crushing me, let's see how good you are at backing up your own words." "DIE!" Ryouga shouted, arcing the flames higher, over his head and redirecting them at Ranma. Ranma gritted his teeth and punched through the firewall, praying that they weren't real... ...and emerged on the other side, singed but safe. He reared back and laid a punch on Ryouga, knocking Ryouga off his feet. Ryouga laughed, climbing back up to fighting stance. "You don't stand a chance in here, Saotome! I control this world, and can use it against you!" "Big deal. It's just illusions. It doesn't hurt a bit," he said, shaking some soot off of his shirt. "Come on! Give me your best shot!" Ryouga howled, as a thousand little black objects swarmed in from around his feet, each with glaring white piggy eyes and little bandannas around him. Ranma backed off, as the wave of P- Chans rushed forward, nipping at him, biting, scratching. "The pigs have won tonight, Saotome," Ryouga gloated, as Ranma was buried in wave after wave of enraged black piglets. "Admit defeat. Akane is mine!" Ranma brushed off the pigs, trying to remember they weren't real. "Just a second ago you were saying she was nobody's! Are you losing it, Ryouga?" "SHUT UP!" Ryouga screamed, as the pigs tripled in number. Ranma was quickly trampled, trying to swim through a sea of yellow and black. Illusion, dammit, it's just like that Toma brat from last year... Ranma stood up, ignoring the pigs. Let them flow THROUGH me, he thought. "Illusions can't hurt people, Ryouga," Ranma said. "Perhaps..." Ryouga said. "But they can scare." With a flick of the wrist, the waves of pigs were now cats. Cats. "Cc....cc..c... CCATS!!" Ranma freaked, spasming and trying to avoid the black, meowing, pushing, crushing tidal waves of felines. "AAAUUGUGIEIOEOEEEE!" "S'matter? Cat got your tongue?" Ryouga joked, reveling in his own bad pun. Ranma sat in the cat-sea, unable to move, eyes bulging. His muscles wouldn't respond. "Now to finish it..." Ryouga said, a familiar taste of copper filling his mouth as the yellow aura spread, first over his back, then flooding towards the front and his outstretched hands. "ROARING LION--" "RYOUGA!" Akane yelled, plummeting down. Ryouga stopped, yellow glow bulging and looking for an outlet. "HELP!" "A...akane?" Ryouga said, watching her fall. At that speed, and the ground... "NO!!" he screamed, projecting safety in all directions. The cavern of Ryouga's mind flashed, cats replaced with mattresses, covering all surfaces. Akane and Charlotte bounced several times before coming to a soft, fluffy halt. "Akane? Are you alright?" Ryouga asked, extending a glowing yellow hand towards her. She backed away instinctively. "Ryouga, did you just try to do your lion blast thingamajig?" Charlotte asked. "Yeah... but... I'm much calmer now... I didn't mean to..." "The power's looking for a way out!" Charlotte said, pointing to the cooling fires that swept over Ryouga's body. "You're gonna blow sky high and take Akane, Ranma and me with you!" "No! Quick! How did you get here?" Ryouga asked, trying to pat out the growing sparks and electrical arcs on his skin. "Magic mirror!" "Use it again! Get Akane and Ranma out of here!" Ryouga demanded. "I don't want them hurt!" "Everybody bunch up where the mirror can see you. You too, Ryouga, I'm not leaving you here," Charlotte said, trying to stand on the mattress. Akane dragged Ranma's stunned form over, and Ryouga stood as closely as he could without hurting the others. "Alright, here goes nothing," Charlotte said, tapping the back of the mirror... ...and Ryouga's mind collapsed. * (Soundtrack note : stop the music, fading down quick) Akane BAMFed onto the cafe sidewalk, holding Ranma tight. Charlotte appeared next. Silence filled the cafe, light pouring away to wherever light went during the afternoon sunset. "Where's Ryouga?" Charlotte asked. "Ummm..." Akane said. "He was in front of the mirror..." "I'm going back to find him," Charlotte said, flipping the mirror open again. "It won't work, sis," Victor said. "If the ban-nan space is empty, it'll use your own mind. Unless he's still there, which means you'll end up in his--" The cafe exploded. "--technique," Ryouga said faintly from the center of the shockwave. The building stones were scattered over a one block radius, leaving mysterious gaps where Buford, Charlotte, Akane and Ranma stood. Victor groaned under a large rock. "Sure, leave ME out of your protection," he grumbled, trying to push the rock away. "Snotty little--" "Ryouga!" Charlotte called, rushing over to his side. "How did you..." "..tried to mix the two... to reroute it and get away..." Ryouga said, smiling weakly. "I guess it worked... you're safe. Akane's safe. I'm... quite happy about that." Ryouga's eyes shut, and his breathing slowed. "RYOUGA!" "Get him to Doctor Tofu's," Akane said. "He'll know what to do." "I hope so," Charlotte said, supporting Ryouga's head up. It was bleeding. * Doctor Tofu examined Ryouga, lying peacefully on his bed with a silly smile spread across his face. The doctor scratched his chin and sat down on the other bed, taking care not to sit on Ranma, who had passed out from shock. "I don't get it," Tofu said. "He's fine... better than fine, really. Quite healthy with normal EKG readings. He's just not waking up." "I'll wake him up," Victor sneered, trying to see under the massive bandage wrapped around his head. "Hibiki-san, wake up so I can strangle you--" "Please?" Buford asked, pleading to Charlotte. Charlotte nodded. Buford grinned evilly, and tapped Victor on the shoulder. "I've been wanting to this for awhile," Buford said, and smashed Victor across the jaw. Victor span around, surprised, and collapsed to the ground. "Buford!" Akane said, annoyed. "He had it coming," Buford said, massaging life back into his fist. "Sorry, doc." "I think I know what to do," Charlotte said, pulling the disc out of her pocket. "How do you know it'll work?" Akane asked. "He's really here, he's not in his mind... is he?" "One way to check," Charlotte shrugged, opening the mirror. "Either I'll end up in my own brain or in his. Be right back. Everybody stay away from the mirror." Charlotte tapped the back of the mirror, and was gone in the familiar blast of light. "I wish she'd stop doing that," Buford said, rubbing his eyes. "I'm gonna go blind if this keeps up." * Charlotte appeared on the beach, the very beach she had left. Ryouga was there, basking in the sun and attempting to read a very bad legal thriller. "Ryouga!" "Oh, hello," he said, waving gently to her. "How do you do?" "That's what I was going to ask. Come on, Ryouga, wake up in reality. We're waiting." "I dunno if I want to," he said. "It's nice here. It's quiet. I don't turn into a pig in my own mind. I don't get beaten. I don't have to worry about dating or revenge or even sleeping. It's nice. Very nice." "The OTHER problem of the ban-nan mirror," Charlotte said. "My uncle once used it and never came back. Slipped into a coma and died three years later." Ryouga face-faulted. "Died?" "Yeah, died. Once someone decides they want to stay, their body is ejected but the mind remains. They have to want to leave again, either that or kick the bucket later." Ryouga considered this. "I don't know. It's lousy out there. Nobody likes me, I get lost all the time, and I'm unhappy." "It is possible to be happy in reality, despite the proof to the opposite you've seen," Charlotte said. "You just need to know the right people, be with them. Like... me." "Eh?" "Get off it, Hibiki. You're always wailing 'My life sucks! My life sucks!'. It's people like you that get our generation labelled. You've had happiness right under your nose and have ignored it. What about me, bub? You think I was helping you for my health? I like you, Ryouga. You're a great guy. Come on, let's get back outside. I'll buy us dinner." "But in here, I don't need to worry about not having Akane." "Ryouga, you two weren't meant to be together. Deal," Charlotte said. "You can't wallow in your own warm place here forever when you've got people that care about you on the other side. I want to stick with you, Ryouga. Let's go. The others are getting worried." Ryouga considered this. Sure, living in your own mind meant never needing to feel pain, never needing to take risks... but here, there wasn't anybody else. Nobody but him. Forever, until he died. "Okay," Ryouga said. He promptly vanished, secondary ban- nan urges no longer supporting his need to be here. Charlotte sighed in relief and mirrored out of there. The island of Ryouga's mind vanished, never to be seen again. * "He's gonna be okay," Charlotte said, mirroring back into the room and pocketing the ban-nan for good. "Ryouga, wake up." Ryouga lie there, still with the smile, still breathing shallow. "Come on, quit kidding around. Ryouga? Yoo hoo! Earth to Hibiki!" Ryouga didn't move. "Is he..." "Gotcha," Ryouga said, sticking out his tongue and laughing. Charlotte reached out and strangled him. "You jerk!" she yelled. "Making me think you had... GRRR!" Ryouga wheezed, trying to pry her hands away. Charlotte let go. "Well, you're my jerk at least. Welcome home." "Thanks," Ryouga said, swinging his feet out of bed. Tofu looked alarmed. "Ryouga, you're in no condition to be walking around..." Ryouga ignored him, and walked over to Ranma's bed. "Is Ranma... okay?" "He's going to be fine," Doctor Tofu said. "Just a bit of a shock. Whatever he saw in your mind must have frightened the living daylights out of him." Ryouga nodded, and rested a hand on Ranma's arm. "Sorry, Saotome. Go in peace. Akane?" "Yes, Ryouga?" "Take good care of him," Ryouga said. "If you'll excuse me, I'm starving and need some food." "Hey boss," Buford said, pulling the crumpled form of Victor up to its feet. "What do we do with laughing boy here?" "Send him back to France," Charlotte said. "Attach a note. I'm not coming back. There's nothing for me there now. Come on, Ryouga. I have a yen for some okonomiyaki for some reason." * "Where are we going?" Charlotte asked, stepping over a log as Ryouga led the way. "Well, I've always wanted to visit Tokyo Disneyland," Ryouga said. "With this revenge deal and Akane, I've never really left Nerima without returning. Now's a good opportunity." "What makes you think we're gonna find it?" Buford asked, hefting the trio's gear over one shoulder. "Trust me," Ryouga smiled. "I know the way. It should be right... over..." Ryouga's pointing finger lowered, as he looked up. And up. And up. "Hey, who put this statue here?" he asked, pointing to the green, copper state of a lady carrying a torch. Buford groaned. "Silly," Charlotte said, smiling. END (Closing theme : Down In It) -=- (author's postscript) PHEW. One week of slightly tipsy academic standings, and March of the Pigs is finally done. It's got some problems, but is pretty damn good for my first fanfic. Look for more. (evil grin) Okay, the greets and thanks. Thanks go out to : Andodikion (who boosted my ranma collection so I'd finally see P-Chan), Benjamin and Abigail (faithful readers and good buds), Trent Reznor (for providing the title pun and general scheme I chose to follow and for not suing), Megazone (for providing r.a.a.s to us writers in the first place), Josh (for providing Superior Ranma through his kick-ass movie set), Julio (how's bowie treatin' ya?), Nick (I'll return your call when I finish posting this), Rumiko-san (for draining my money out of the bank by my new anime addiction), Future Crew (just because they always get da greetz), John Biles and all other fanfiction writers (rock on!), the folks over at AnimeMUCK (I'm Tsubasa there, in case nobody knew), PaulS of ETEXT (without whom my account would be vapor and this story wouldn't be out), Ryouga (you kick ass, never give up), Buford (quit whining and I'll make your part bigger), Mikado (maybe next time), and of course the good folks at Frito Lay for nourishing me throughout this writing experience. Ack. Thanks done, now with the postscript. March of the Pigs has every element I've found to be good and proper in fanfiction. Random chaos, silliness, bad puns, character development, someone for Ryouga and the occasionally twisted bit of darkness. I originally set out NOT to end the Ranma series, as most fanfictions do, but I just couldn't see leaving Ryouga friendless and broken in the end... plus, Charlotte was made for him. Originally she was going to be evil and plotting, like Kodachi, but that character rubbed me the wrong way, as did Buford's original cigarette-smoking 'Kill the Lawbreaker' attitude and Victor's 'All people are mindless sheep and must be punished' attitude. They were toned down to fit in the comedic world of Ranma 1/2. The series technically could have skipped the test date and Azusa and other silliness, but that wouldn't have given me enough of a lead in to the concluding battle between Ranma and Ryouga, where the title track for the series is used. As for the music... originally it was just going to be a pun, but when I came up with the neat idea for P-Chan's Nightmare in part1, I liked that header format with chosen score and kept it throughout most of the series. I tried to picture what those scenes would look like... Sasuke's mad dash through the trees to the tune of March of the Fuckheads, P-Chan's spiral into pain with Help Me I Am In Hell, and Ryouga's beach dream with A Warm Place. Azusa's happy music and Pinion don't really fit, but that's minor. The closing songs are mostly just for pun- silliness, except latter parts where I felt that wacky fun didn't fit the closing mood. That's it. If I do another fanfiction series (very likely), it probably won't be an extension of March of the Pigs, since Ryouga would be left out. I'll probably center the next one on Mousse, who also deserves a little justice done... until then, love, luck and lollipops. E-Mail : gagne@locust.cic.net WWW : http://www.wam.umd.edu/~twoflowr/index.html FWLS FTP : etext.archive.umich.edu /pub/Fiction/FWLS MUDs : Twoflower or Tsubasa (Furry, Anime, Aleph) Doesn't it make you feel better? The pigs have won tonight They can all sleep soundly And everything is alright. ---- +--Stefan-"Twoflower"-Gagne,-net.writer-and-all-around-weird-character------+ | Ob.Inside.Jokes : YAPAPA YMMV AB PK I3 FWLS ABM MST3K RD6 TNG T7G MI2 MK | | LQTV DPW VOS KCIDAIDKW NIN STP OVA R1/2 DTP AKO AL TMBG FM AM SAM/MAX DOTT| | Finger for Cyberpunk Humor information and other fun materials. @whee. | +---------------------------------------------------------------------------+