QUOTABLES FROM NBC’S ‘LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O’BRIEN’ November 17 – November 21

“Last night on ‘60 Minutes,’ Barack Obama said that since he won the election he has slept in his own bed every night. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, ‘Man, this guy has a lot to learn.’”

“Earlier today in Chicago, Barack Obama tried to smooth things over by meeting with his former opponent John McCain. Obama congratulated McCain on running a good campaign and McCain congratulated Obama on being ‘a stupid jerkface.’”

“Henry Kissinger says if Barack Obama picks Hillary Clinton to be his Secretary of State it will be a sign of ‘great courage’ on his part. Then Kissinger said, ‘Seriously Barack, protect your nuts.’”

“Barack Obama says that he’s taking his time picking out a dog for his daughters because he’s looking for a pet that won’t shed its hair. Which is the exact same reason he picked Joe Biden.”

“This week 200 Jewish people from India were given permission to move to Israel. The Indian Jews are thrilled that they’re moving to the Promised Land, and the Israelis are thrilled they won’t have to call long-distance when their computers break down.”

“The other night at a Miami nightclub they’re saying actress Kate Hudson tried to seduce Yankee Slugger Alex Rodriguez by dancing in front of him but A-Rod didn’t react. Afterwards A-Rod explained by saying, ‘I often freeze up when there’s potential to score.’”

“Earlier tonight, the pregnant man was a guest on ‘Larry King Live.’ So viewers got to see a man who has defied the laws of God and nature by unnaturally perpetuating human life – and a pregnant guy.”

“According to police, drug dealers have begun using Craig’s List to sell cocaine and ecstasy. Officials say that if this keeps up – soon there will be no place left on Craig’s List for good old-fashioned anonymous gay sex.”

“NASA has installed a machine onboard the space shuttle that allows the astronauts to recycle and drink their own urine. The astronauts’ first words after using the machine were: “That’s one small step for man – one giant leap for oh my god this still tastes like piss!’”

“Yesterday in Chicago, President-elect Obama met with former political rival John McCain. Both men said it was a relief to put their differences aside, sit down, and really make fun of Sarah Palin.”

“Yesterday President Bush awarded a National Medal of the Arts, to Stan Lee, the comic book artist who created Spider-Man. Afterwards, Bush said it was the first thing he’s done as president that ‘felt right.’”

“Political experts say Hillary Clinton may not be given the position Secretary of State because of Bill Clinton’s activities. When he heard this, Bill said, ‘It’s only fair she denies me positions all the time.’”

“This week, MTV aired the final episode of its long-running show ‘TRL.’ MTV made the decision to cancel ‘TRL’ when they realized that it occasionally featured music.”

“The makers of Lean Cuisine have received complaints that some of their diet frozen dinners contain chunks of plastic. The complaints ended once Lean Cuisine told customers to stop eating the box.”

“Earlier today, singer Kanye West was arrested for again punching a photographer. West got angry when the photographer took his picture while he was punching another photographer.”

“In New York, 70 pole dancers are suing the strip club Scores for lost wages. Each dancer is demanding $50,000 in singles.”

“A woman in North Carolina is claiming that Clay Aiken’s bodyguards shoved her, so now she’s suing Aiken for what her lawyer describes as ‘unwanted touching.’ Aiken admits that any touching involving a woman is unwanted.”

“Earlier today the heads of the GM, Ford and Chrysler appeared together in front of Congress to ask for a $25 Billion bailout. When asked what they would do with the money, all three said, ‘Buy a new BMW.’”

“Yesterday, Barack Obama’s daughters Malia and Sasha made their first visit to the White House. The girls were excited to see where they’ll be living and President Bush was excited to finally have someone to play Hide N’Seek with.”

“Today, Bill Clinton said if it will help Hillary become Secretary of State he’d be willing to release his financial records. Meanwhile, Hillary said if it will help her get the job, she’ll release Bill’s testicles.”

“This week John McCain met with his advisers to prepare to run for re-election to the Senate. Apparently McCain’s new campaign slogan is ‘Now 100% Sarah Palin-free.’”

“Earlier this week in Washington D.C., The National Medal of Arts, a very prestigious award, was presented to the songwriters who wrote, ‘ It’s a Small World After All. ‘ And then they were beaten to death.”

“Today is Larry King’s birthday. As a result, we are currently experiencing a worldwide candle shortage.”

“Wal-Mart announced that because of the bad economy it is going to donate food to people who can’t afford it. This means they’ll be donating most of the food to Wal-Mart employees.”

“Taco Bell opened a restaurant in Mexico last year and it’s reportedly not doing very well. Also not doing well: The Pizza Hut in Rome.”

“Brad Pitt said in an interview that being a father has made him impervious to ‘ poo, snot, urine and vomit .’ Coincidentally the same thing happens when you date Amy Winehouse.”

“Executives from the auto industry are being criticized now, because before they asked Congress for billions of dollars – they all flew to Washington in private jets to Washington. In their defense, the executives said: “We would have driven – but our cars only get 3 miles per gallon.”

“Officials in Missouri have finally finished counting the presidential ballots and they say that John McCain won that state. As a result, Sarah Palin now thinks she’s the vice president of Missouri.”

“Oprah Winfrey just announced that she’s planning to attend Barack Obama’s inauguration. Oprah says she’s excited to see Obama become the SECOND most powerful person in the world.”

“Yesterday in Canada, a judge ruled that obese airline passengers have the right to two seats for the price of one. However if they take up more than two seats, the airline has the right to use their ass as the movie screen.”

“In Texas, seven high school cheerleaders were indicted for hazing other cheerleaders by throwing them in a pool. Apparently the jury indicted the cheerleaders for not getting any of this on film.”

“Paris Hilton has officially broken up with boyfriend Benji Madden. Madden’s really upset and said that from now on he’ll probably cry every time he sees a woman having sex with four guys.”

“The Sundance Channel says it plans to shoot a new reality show in Newark, New Jersey. The reality show will be like “Survivor” but without any survivors.”

“A new “Star Trek” movie is coming out and in this one, Captain Kirk has a sex scene with one of his crewmembers. When the DVD comes out there is going to be an audio narration explaining to “Star Trek” fans what Kirk and that lady are doing.”

“Hillary Clinton has reportedly accepted Barack Obama’s offer to become Secretary of State. According to Bill Clinton this is the first time in 20 years that Hillary has said “yes.”"

“The auto companies in the United States are scrambling to come up with a plan - This week Ford unveiled a new hybrid, the Ford Fusion, which will get almost 40 miles to the gallon. When asked how much it would cost, a spokesman for Ford said, “$25 billion dollars.”"

“This week, a New York elementary school became the first school in the country to be named after Barack Obama. Unfortunately no one likes their team’s new nickname, “The Fighting Husseins”.”

“A new “Star Trek” movie is coming out and people are talking about it because in this one Captain Kirk has a steamy sex scene with a crewmember. When they heard this, Star Trek fans said, “It’s amazing what people will be able to do thousands of years in the future.”"

“”Partridge Family” star Danny Bonaduce is getting a new reality show in which women compete to be his wife. Apparently the loser is whoever marries Danny Bonaduce.”

“In a new interview, Prince says that God is against homosexuality because he was tired of seeing people “stick it wherever.” I’m not sure I agree with Prince’s message – but MAN I hope that’s how God really talks.”

“Yesterday Ashlee Simpson gave birth to a baby boy that she named Bronx Mowgli, after the borough in New York City and the boy in the “Jungle Book.” In a related story Ashlee Simpson is an idiot.”

“This morning Paris Hilton confirmed the rumors that she has broken up with her boyfriend Benji Madden. Paris said, “I’ve put Benji behind me, and not in the fun way.”"