QUOTABLES FROM NBC’S ‘LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O’BRIEN’ January 5 – January 8

January 12, 2009 by J!-ENT

QUOTABLES FROM NBC’S ‘LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O’BRIEN’ January 5 – January 8

“Earlier today, Barack Obama’s daughters started at their new school in Washington, D.C.. They are smart kids. Their teachers are really impressed and say that both girls are already reading ‘well above President Bush level.’”

“President Bush’s father, George Bush senior, he was President too, recently said that he’d like his son Jeb to be president, but that right now is a bad time for him to run. When asked what a good time would be, Bush senior said, ‘eight years ago.’”

“Obama had his first day in Washington today – President-elect Barack Obama says that he got a little chocked up as he left his house in Chicago and headed for Washington D.C.. He got emotional. It was especially painful because as soon as he left Governor Blagojevich sold Obama’s house.”

“The U.S. Army just said that it has managed to increase recruitment by allowing fatter people to enlist. Yes. They’re allowing fatter people to enlist. In fact, several new recruits have volunteered for a daring raid on a refrigerator.”

“Plastic surgeons are saying that the bad economy is causing fewer women to get breast implants. So, my fellow Americans, the time for the federal bailout is NOW.”

“The other day, Kevin Bacon told reporters that he was one of the people swindled by Wall Street financier Bernard Madoff. Bacon said, ‘This is the downside of being 6 degrees from everybody.’”

“This weekend a riot and gang fights broke out in a prison in Idaho. Apparently the gang fights in Idaho were between the white supremacists and the really white supremacists.”

“This weekend Las Vegas will be hosting the AVN awards, those are the Oscars of the Porn Industry. If you haven’t seen them, they’re like the real Oscars, except that when somebody’s speech goes on to long, they play THIS music. (needle-drop of porn music.)”

“Yesterday, President-elect Barack Obama talked about the recession and he described the economy as “very sick.” Historians say it was a childish way to describe a complex problem – but still the smartest thing they’ve heard a President say in 8 years.”

“Because of the bad U.S. economy, many Broadway producers have started taking their musicals to China. In a related story: the entire cast of “Cats” has been eaten.”

“Congress was sworn in this morning, and USA Today says that the average age of the members makes it the oldest congress ever. Which explains why today they passed three bills and four gallstones.”

“A plastic surgeon here in the United States has rigged his car so that it runs on fat left over from liposuction. That’s right Middle East – a car that runs on fat – NOW who has the greatest energy reserves in the world?”

“The Social Security Administration has announced that people can now register for their retirement online and it only takes 15 minutes. Or, for senior citizens, a hour and a half.”

“In a new interview, Rocker Tommy Lee says that the only way he’ll open his dressing room door for a groupie is if they take off their shirt or pants. Which is weird, because I have the same rule for the U.P.S. guy.”

“This past Christmas, a woman named Mary gave birth on Christmas Day – and she decided to name her baby Jesus. Then she told him “But hey – no pressure.”"

“In Minnesota, a Long John Silver’s restaurant apologized to a Muslim family for putting notes with Biblical quotations inside the kids meal box. Long John Silver’s also apologized to the family for serving Long John Silver’s food.”

“Disney World announced they’re opening a new attraction in Florida called “The American Idol Experience”. As opposed to the “Ryan Seacrest Experience” which most guys insisted only happened once in college.”

“There’s a picture circulating on the Internet of Star Jones wearing a bikini. Officials haven’t proven it yet, but it sounds like the work of Al Qaida.”

“Paris Hilton’s house was robbed a couple weeks ago and police say they are still looking for the robbers. Police say that Paris was bound and gagged, but that was a week before the robbery.”

“Earlier today, President-elect Barack Obama had lunch at the White House with all the living U.S. Presidents and Obama called the meeting “an extraordinary gathering.” In a related story, John McCain had lunch at Quiznos.”

“That’s true though, President Bush and President-elect Barack Obama did have an historic lunch with the 3 former Presidents. Of course, Bill Clinton was the only one who brought a date.”

“On Inauguration Day, Barack Obama will be riding in a brand new presidential limousine made by General Motors. Because nothing says “hope for the future” like General Motors.”

“The Washington Post reports today that Barack Obama wants to appoint CNN’s Dr. Sanjay Gupta to be Surgeon General. Obama said the CNN doctor must be pretty good since he’s kept Larry King alive all these years.”

“Some political experts were surprised that Obama’s pick for surgeon general is mainly known for talking about health care on television. Apparently Obama got the idea from President Bush, who once tried to appoint the cast of “Scrubs”.”

“Radio Shack is now selling a GPS navigation system based on the NBC series “Knight Rider.” Unfortunately, since it’s based on an NBC show – the GPS only works when you’re driving rapidly downhill.”

“This week, Chinese officials accused Google of spreading pornography throughout China. The Chinese Officials said, the last thing we want is our billion and a half people to get ideas about sex.”

“A man in a small town in Maine wants to open up a restaurant where all the waitresses will be topless. The man says he doesn’t have a name for his restaurant yet – but he’s leaning towards “Captain Jack’s All-Night Boobs ‘n Lobster.”"

“In a recent interview, Paris Hilton said that she’s had sex with only a couple of guys. Later Paris admitted that she meant during the interview.”

“President-elect Obama gave a major economic speech today – In his speech about the economy, President-elect Barack Obama said that Americans will be able to go online and see where the bailout money is being spent. In response, Americans said, ‘Thanks, but we’ll stick to downloading porn.’”

“During his speech, it’s interesting, on the economy, Barack Obama said, “It will be too late to change course if we don’t take dramatic action as soon as possible.” Then Obama said the same thing is true about NBC’s primetime lineup.”

“On Inauguration Day, Barack Obama will be riding in a brand new presidential limousine, did you hear about this, made by General Motors. The parade route is only 5 miles long – so GM says that Obama should only have to stop for gas twice.”

“Marvel Comics announced that President-elect Obama will be featured in an upcoming edition of “Spiderman.” When he heard about it, President Bush said ‘Okay NOW I’m jealous.’”

“It’s kind of cool in Washington, the National Gallery announced that it will display a campaign poster of Barack Obama. In a related story, a campaign poster of Joe Biden will be displayed at the Hair Club for Men.”

“Big football game tonigh. The National Championship in college football between Oklahoma and Florida aired tonight at 8 o’clock. It’s too bad the game aired at 8 because no one in Florida could stay up and watch it.”

“PBS just announced that unlike cable channels they will continue their policy of not showing nudity. A spokesman for PBS said, “Let’s face it, no one wants to see a naked Jim Lehrer.” I beg to differ.”

“Doctors in England have discovered a woman with 2 vaginas, 2 cervixes and 2 wombs. After hearing about it, Angelina Jolie said, ‘Why didn’t I think of that.’”

“Taco Bell has just announced that they are coming out with a new box meal that holds enough food for two people. And when they’re done eating, the two people can use the box as a toilet.”