QUOTABLES FROM ‘LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON’ August 10–August 14
August 17, 2009 by J!-ENT
“This weekend Sonia Sotomayor was sworn in as the 111th Supreme Court Justice and only the third female in history. This is great. Now Ruth Bader Ginsburg will finally have a yoga buddy.”
“President Obama is in Guadalajara, Mexico for his first North American Leaders’ summit. After that, he’s expected to hold his very first “Imodium A-D Summit.”"
“During his weekly radio address, Obama said, “We’ve finally begun to put the brakes on this recession.” Which is good news. Unfortunately, the brakes were built by General Motors.”
“Here’s some optimistic news. Kim Jong Il now says he wants to hold face-to-face talks with the United States. Now all North Korea needs is a big-enough step-ladder.”
“It was big weekend at the box office – “G.I. Joe” made over 56 million dollars and “Julie & Julia,” with Meryl Streep and Amy Adams, made over 20 million. By the way, if you’re a guy who saw Julie and Julia, I just want to say (whip-cracking).”
“Tiger Woods won the Bridgestone Invitational on Sunday. That’s his 70th PGA victory. 70 PGA trophies. Or as Tiger’s kids call them, “Legos.”"
“Congratulations to Cheech Marin – of Cheech & Chong who married his long-time girlfriend over the weekend. Cheech said it was a day he’ll never remember.”
“It was catered by Funyons.”
“His Best Man was Michael Phelps.”
“The ceremony was at 4:20.”
“And… for the record: Dave wasn’t there.”
“A new study from the University of British Columbia found that the average dog is as smart as a 2-year-old child. That doesn’t sound right. I mean I’ve never seen a 2-year-old kid playing poker.”
“Regis Philbin is back in prime time hosting eleven new episodes of “Who Wants to be A Millionaire.” But, because of Obama’s tax plan, it’s been retitled “Who Wants to Win Just Under 250,000?”"
“A woman in Greece set fire to a man’s genitals at a night-club after he tried to hit on her. You know who feels really bad about this? The guy’s friend who told him “Just go talk to her. What’s the worst that could happen?”"
“And finally, after losing 8 straight games to the Boston Red Sox the Yankees swept the Sox in a 4-game series at Yankee Stadium. And after the Yanks swept the Sox, they made the Mets sweep the actual stadium.”
“Over the past week Congressmen holding town hall meetings across the country have been disrupted by angry protesters who are against Obama’s new healthcare plan. Things could have gotten violent but nobody can afford to actually get hurt.”
“The division of bookseller Barnes and Noble is being sold for 596 million dollars. It looks like a done deal, although the buyer may just come in, read a little, use the bathroom and then leave.”
“Big news for American Idol fans. Simon Cowell is going to be re-signed for at least three more seasons. Cowell was so excited – his nipples actually tore through his shirt.”
“Last night was the Teen Choice Awards. 16-Year-old Miley Cyrus danced around a stripper pole on top of an ice-cream cart. To be fair, Miley said it wasn’t a stripper pole, it was a purity abstinence pole.”
“During her performance Miley wore short shorts, a tank top, and biker boots and said, “This represents where I come from.” Apparently, Miley Cyrus comes from Britney Spears’ house.”
“This is crazy…. a Russian woman was arrested after she threw a coffee mug at the Mona Lisa in Paris. Turns out the woman threw the mug because she was upset that she didn’t get French citizenship. Wow, even people who WANT to be French are rude.”
“Saturday began New York City’s: Summer Streets—it’s an event held over 3 Saturdays in August and streets are closed to traffic for 6.9 miles from Brooklyn to Central Park. The event is also known as (New Yorker accent) “What the hell is going on up there? Move it. They closed the bridge? Who closes a frickin’ bridge?!”"
“I read that Illinois just became the 17th state to ban “texting while driving.” So if you’re going out with your friends, make sure you have a designated Tweeter.”
“During his town hall meeting in New Hampshire yesterday, President Obama tried to make a point about private companies and the government providing the same services. He said, “UPS and FedEx are doing just fine… it’s the Post Office that’s always having problems.” That’s probably going to anger some postal workers, but wait, what’s the worst that could happen?”
“At the same meeting, he said twice that the AARP supports his health care plan even though the AARP hasn’t endorsed it. He’s probably thinking of that other senior citizens group, oh yeah, Congress.”
“A new study has found that women are much more choosey about looks during a one-night stand than men are. I guess there’s no such thing as “White Wine Goggles.”"
“Clay Aiken just signed a record deal with Decca records – the same label that represents Sting, Placido Domingo, and Andrea Bocelli. Apparently Decca is Latin for “your moms iPod.”"
“A new study finds that men who have symmetrical faces are much “less likely” to suffer from dementia. That’s bad news for Picasso’s favorite model, Jeff.”
“In Florida – an 87-year-old grandmother was bitten by a rattlesnake – and then she grabbed the snake and killed it with her bare hands. 87! Even PETA was like “make yourself a belt, lady. That’s awesome.”"
“A man from Pennsylvania was found guilty of groping Minnie Mouse at Disney World. Minnie said it was the worst thing to happen to her since the time she was “slipped a Mickey”.”
“In his upcoming memoir, Dick Cheney said that George Bush stopped taking his advice during the second term of their administration. In Bush’s defense, I think it’s pretty natural to lose trust in a guy who shoots his friends in the face.”
“And this happens with every administration. I mean, Obama only listened to Joe Biden for…(Counts on fingers)…NEVER.”
“Cheney he also explained that the “statute of limitations has expired” on remaining silent about the Bush administration. Meanwhile, George Bush said, “I love the statue of limitations. Beautiful lady. Is the torch open?”"
“Just one day after GM’s claimed that its electric car – the Chevy Volt – would get 230 miles per gallon, Nissan announced that its new electric car – the Leaf – can achieve 367 miles per gallon. Meanwhile, Honda says it’s working on a new car – that actually creates gasoline. That’s phenomenal.”
“These electric cars might be great for the environment, but never having to stop for gas on a road trip will totally crush the beef jerky industry.”
“A new study from the University of Massachusetts found that, when we talk to strangers, we lie about 3 times every 10 minutes. Which reminds me, our first guest tonight is Pope Benedict.”
“Sorry, I’m still tight from bench-pressing 300 pounds this morning.”
“Former Cuban President Fidel Castro turned 83 today. Birthdays can be tricky especially when you’re a socialist. He’s gotta’ figure out how to cut his birthday cake into 11 million pieces.”
“Amy Winehouse’s brother, Alex, wants to create a musical about his sister’s life. Apparently, the musical starts out great and then really falls apart.”
“It’s called it Coke-Lahoma.”
“Researchers at Northwestern University have created a new computer program that measures pain. It rates it on a scale from: Holy SHOOT – to Holy SON OF A MOTHER FARKING BATCH!”
“Police in Florida are trying to figure out who left 60 pounds of cocaine, worth 1 million dollars, on the sidewalk. Police are looking for the most frightened human being on Earth.”
“”Oh my God, Oh my God,… OK, remember the last place you saw the cocaine. THINK damn it.”"
“A Muslim woman caused a stir in Paris when she showed up at a pool wearing a “burquini” – that’s a swimsuit that covers the entire body from head-to-toe. She even got her eyebrows removed – or, as I like to call it: “A Brazilian Burquini Wax.”"
“Afterwards the woman and her friends held the least successful charity car wash of all time.”
“Some interesting animal news. A female tortoise in England made a male tortoise wait 15 years before mating with her. 15 years sounds like a long time, but in tortoise-years, she’s practically a whore.”
“Heidi Montag says she looked through Playboy magazine to shop for the perfect breasts when she got implants back in 2007. She also admitted that when she was shopping for a husband, she read – “Douchebag Monthly.”"
“John Edwards finally admitted that he is the father of his mistress’s baby – after denying it for over a year. It’s a pretty classic case of whoever denied it, supplied it.”
“Yeah, Edwards says he’s so ashamed, he can hardly look himself in the mirror. On the bright side, that frees up an extra four hours a day for him.”
“Fortunately, some good news came out of this whole thing. He agreed to join Bristol Palin on the abstinence tour.”
“Big story in the NFL – Michael Vick back from his suspension, he signed a two-year contract with the Philadelphia Eagles. This is even crazier, the Minnesota Vikings just signed Phil Specter.”
“Michael Vick said he’s excited to be back in the NFL and playing for the Eagles. He said, “I love eagles. Especially when you throw two of them in a ring together.”"
“A newspaper in Utah is refusing to publish a gay couple’s wedding announcement, they said they only print legal unions. I guess in Utah, a lot of people believe that marriage should just be between a man and a woman… and a woman and a woman.”
“Jon Gosselin is hosting a pool party at the MGM Grand in Vegas. It’ll be huge. Hundreds of women are already lining up for the chance to drown Jon Gosselin.”
“Word of warning about the Gosselin party in Vegas – if you’re in the pool at the same time Jon is – you WILL get pregnant.”
“A bakery in Detroit will break a record tomorrow when they unveil a 7,000-pound vanilla cupcake. Hey, you know what you call a huge cupcake? A CAKE.”
“Happy Birthday to author Danielle Steele – she turned 61 today. She celebrated by lighting every candle on her cake, one by one. Each flickered as she moved on to the next, her face illuminated from below. As the final wick ignited in a soft hiss, she gently pursed her lips to extinguish the flames.”
“Sarah Palin changed her Twitter name yesterday – she’s now @SarahPalinUSA. The person most affected by this change? Sarah Palinusa.”
“A new study finds that women spend 12,000 hours of their lives crying. While men spend the same amount of time not knowing what they’re apologizing for. “What? I said you look good. What?”"
“And finally, Heidi Montag said in an interview yesterday that she has 20 to 30 orgasms per day with her new husband Spencer Pratt. Then she said, “Orgasms are when you throw up in your mouth a little, right?”"
Tags: American Entertainment News, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, NBC
“Clay Aiken just signed a record deal with Decca records – the same label that represents Sting, Placido Domingo, and Andrea Bocelli. Apparently Decca is Latin for “your moms iPod.””
Your Mom’s iPod? What kind of question is that? It makes no sense at all!